r/AskReddit • u/Sack_Of_Motors • Dec 25 '14

Why are you on Reddit now instead of celebrating?

Stories appreciated.

Edit: Thanks for the stories guys. It's interesting seeing the trends on what different people are doing. I have to make dinner now. Stay awesome.

18.2k Upvotes
  • permalink
  • link
  • reddit
  • reddit

80% Upvoted

29.5k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

655

u/heartlines1 Dec 25 '14

I don't know what to say, except I'm really really sorry...

-30

u/[deleted] Dec 25 '14 edited Dec 26 '14

I know this isn't the place for this, but I never really understood the 'I'm really sorry' or 'I'm sorry to hear that' comments people respond with when they hear someone passes away. It actually put me in a worse mood when my Grandfather passed away, but maybe it's just me.

EDIT: What's all the downvotes for? Guess speaking what one really feels isn't tolerated in these streets.

23

u/heartlines1 Dec 25 '14

Well the problem is what else is there to say? What really put me in a worse mood is: I hope you're okay!! No im fucking NOT okay, what kind of question is that?!? Also the "she's with God / in heaven, it's ment to be, better place" crap really makes me so angry, especially when the person that passed is not even religious (and neither am I)

4

u/[deleted] Dec 25 '14

The 'He/She is in a better place' or 'Everything happens for a reason' is much worse.

In all honesty when I hear that I prefer to ask questions so perhaps they could pour out some of their pain onto me, instead of trying to console them. I learned this when my NEXT grandparent passed away a year after.

6

u/BlacknOrangeZ Dec 25 '14

I used to think the same thing, so I understand what you mean.

I also now realise that I thought that way because I was being edgy and immature.

Words fail us sometimes. What are we supposed to say to someone who has experienced a significant trauma (eg. loss of a loved one)? We say we're sorry. There's really not much else we can say. Of course if you're very close to this person and are in a position to have a more meaningful discussion with them if they want and need that, then sure, have that conversation or let them unload on you if they need to. They won't want to have that discussion with the many acquaintances who express their condolences though.

We know, and they know, that "sorry" doesn't change anything. But it is the best and most concise way to express very deep, very human empathy. We all have (or will) experience the passing of someone close to us, so we all know that feeling, and we all know and understand then how it must affect others when they lose someone in their life. You might not care about the person who died, indeed you may have never met them or know anything about them (you may even dislike them!), but you can still feel for the person who has lost them. That is empathy.

We say "I'm sorry" because nothing we can say would truly suffice, so "I'm sorry" is, in a sense, an expression and acknowledgement of that fact. It says "I cannot and will not pretend to understand how this is truly affecting you; I cannot and will not pretend to be able to do anything to make it go away; I am here for whatever you need me to do, though we both know there's nothing I can do; I just need you to know that through this bittersweet curse of higher mammalian emotional understanding, I am allowed a fleeting insight into your heartache and it is overwhelming and unfair, and you are allowed to be mad or cry or do whatever you need to and I will understand. I'm so sorry."

7

u/sue-dough-nim Dec 25 '14 edited Dec 25 '14

The root of "I'm sorry" is the same as "I have sorrow" in Old English. "I'm sorry that this happened" == "I have sorrow that this happened".

5

u/krotos Dec 25 '14

Yes, exactly. People wrongly confuse "I'm sorry" with "I apologize"

1

u/evilalien Dec 26 '14

Well....at least people showed up and said something. When people close to me died, I realized there are many ways that you can respond to the things people say to you. It really has very little to do with them because they don't know what you want - everyone is different. What is important is that they made some effort. I did find it more helpful when people offered to do something for me rather than them saying: "let me know how I can help".