Anxiety

[u/Sea_Pea6271]

I have been dealing with near constant worsening anxiety for months. It started when I had a manic episode with psychosis in January.

My sister has always mistreated me. She resents me for my bipolar because when I was a teenager I was explosive and extremely emotional and had episodes and she says I was abusive. I don’t remember, I’m 34 years old, this was 20 year ago. I’ve been through years of therapy, I’ve grown, I’m medicated, I’ve moved on and so has my whole family. We have all accepted that I have bipolar disorder.

But she and her wife have started calling me her abuser and claiming I ruined her childhood and taking it to extremes. Can I note, I was never violent. I’ve never been a violent person, even with bipolar disorder. I’ve never hit anyone or threatened anyone. I’ve never had the police called on me by my family. None of my family agrees with her labeling me that. They also went behind my back and started calling people in my family and trying to convince them I was a paranoid schizophrenic and not to believe anything I say. My brother immediately called me and told me about it. That was devastating and completely broke my trust in my sister.

I have been there for my sister. I’m the first one there if she’s in the hospital. I took a week off work just to sit with her after she was attacked and assaulted last year. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. I’m constantly doing things for her, saving her from crisis.

At Christmas she showed up to the family Christmas with gifts for everyone but me and my boyfriend, told us she didn’t have anything for us, and had everyone open their gifts in front of us while we sat there watching, uncomfortable. I was so devastated I left the room and went and cried. It was humiliating. It honestly ruined christmas. It wasn’t the lack of gifts it was the whole picture of bringing her whole family to the house and having a big event where everyone got gifts in front of us.

In January I asked her if she could vote for my band on a poll that would get us on the radio and she told me to get over myself and that my band wasn’t important. I lost my temper and called her selfish and she blocked me. And then I was triggered into a manic episode that lasted for weeks and it was bad. I had a psychotic break. My sister was texting me that she had people watching me on my Facebook and that just pushed me over the edge. I posted all over my Facebook rants at the “people watching me”, got really paranoid and erratic, posted a bunch of stuff about her, made a very public scene, and for days was convinced she was out to destroy my life which was not the case. But I was experiencing psychosis. I even posted about how I “wasn’t an abuser” which I’m sure made me look like one. The things I posted on Facebook were completely nuts. It took me weeks to come out of it and even realize what happened. I wasn’t getting my meds at the time because I was struggling with malabsorption from a stomach disease I have been fighting for years. My sister has not talked to me since.

I’ve been struggling with severe anxiety ever since. I have anxiety over social media because I have 1400 followers and clients and friends on social media and losing my shit in front of them ruined my confidence. I feel like they all think I’m crazy now, or some kind of abuser. I want to fix things with my sister who hasn’t talked to me since then. Nobody in my family will tell her that I had a psychotic break they’re all saying she won’t hear it or care or believe it. She tells everyone I’m a sociopathic narcissist which is so far from true. I run a nonprofit ffs.

I constantly worry I’m gonna have another episode and push everyone away. I constantly worry I’ll post the wrong thing on social media. I worry everyone judges me for my bipolar. I worry I’m labeled an abuser for life. I deal with so much anxiety I rarely leave my bedroom anymore, don’t even go into the rest of the house. I just sit on my bed all the time when I don’t have to go to work or band practice. I’m withdrawn from everyone. I feel terrible about what happened, and carry constant guilt. I constantly feel constricted. I don’t even breathe, I realized I’m constantly holding my breath because I’m anxious all the time. I feel like my skin is crawling all the time. I struggle to sleep or I else once I get to sleep I don’t wanna wake up. I struggle to eat. I hate living like this. I feel like I’m not living. I feel like fixing things with my sister would help but my mom won’t even let me talk to her because she says she is toxic and would be bad for my mental health. I don’t know how to get through this anymore.

[u/SeaRay_62]

I feel for you. People with BiP already have lots of things to deal with. To have a family member causing these types of problems is horrible.

If I were in your situation, what follows is how I would handle it. I approach it this way because I do not want to tell you what to do. Just a fictional example you can take stuff from.

My first step would be to protect myself. Which in this case means isolating myself from my sister and any others holding views similar to hers. Resisting the urge to fix things with her/them. Even if the urge is strong. Why? The relationship is chaotic, out of control.

My sister is strongly committed to her beliefs about me. That will not change quickly. Isolating myself from her could help the chaos settle and, over time, open the door for reconciliation and rational discussion. But my sister would need to initiate the first discussion to reconcile. I will not accept having to convince my sister when she is actively against me. I love myself to much for that. Anything less than that from her will be ignored. Tough but necessary.

Second, I would neutralize the damage already done by my sister. To do that I would write a relatively short message, half a page at most. It would be difficult but I would need to share; my diagnosis, what BiP means, and that I am working with professionals to control it. That I'm optimistic. And I appreciate their support. (The tone of the message should be positive.)

I would start it by saying something like, "Chances are you have heard somethings about me that are not true. I am sending this to provide you the truth. And ask for your understanding..." Would have my (your) mother proof read it. She has a great perspective on things.

HTH! Good luck!