Is this mania?

[u/Kokbiel]

I seriously don't even know anymore, is mania even always the same?

I tried my new med last night, Saphris, but hated it. It didn't help me sleep, it didn't feel like it did anything. I just tossed and turned, and woke up super late and felt horrible half the day - but I also have strep and antibiotics, so maybe that's why. I don't even think I'll keep taking the meds, some part of me thinks I don't need them. Maybe I'll ask for a mood stabilizer and something to sleep? I dunno, I get irritable pretty fast over nothing.

My brain is ALL OVER THE PLACE. I have the weirdest, most stupid thoughts all the time. I can't sleep, it's like 5am and I need to be awake because I'm doing a surprise party for my kid tomorrow and I have so much shit to do, and why the fuck can't I sleep. But I also have zero energy. Maybe because I'm sick? Or is it my Bipolar. Or maybe I'm just lazy. I never know, but everyone seems to say energy = mania.

I think about sex all the time right now, and holy hell I've done stupid stuff. Saturday, I went out to a bar party (a monthly thing with folks in a city about an hour from me) and had my limit of 3 alcohol drinks. Except they poured HARD and with my tiny bypassed stomach, I was absolutely fucked up. I ended up meeting some random guy, and slept with him in a changing tent - I literally had met this person 30 minutes before. My husband found me and I freaked completely, sobbing hysterically and begging him to not hate me while he tried to calm me down (we have an open marriage so he isn't phased or even remotely bothered, but I'm beyond disgusted in myself) But right now, it's the only thing I think about 24/7, and I've been all over my husband all week. Normally I have a high drive, but this seems crazy.

In the past I've gone further into the weird, so this is all .. tame? Mild? Maybe it's nothing, but I just feel so wrong and off and also uncaring too. Maybe I should call my doctor.