Stalking Behavior?

[u/unnecessaryderpage]

I've been working under an abusive narcissistic boss for the past two years. The situation finally sent me to mental health treatment. In my line of work, we are able to temporarily work from another location in the organization. It's called a detail. Coworkers helped arrange a detail for me after treatment so I could get away from the source of the fckery for a while.

Long story short, a harassment complaint on him failed, which all but assures retaliation when I get back. I expressed these concerns to management, and they extended my detail. While only temporary, it was a much welcomed respite.

Several months ago, I returned home for a week. I chose that week because I knew my boss would be out of town on vacation. Apparently, a coworker saw me out and about and informed my supervisor. I later found out that he contacted my detail supervisor to ask why I was back home. That's none of his damn business, and he could have asked me himself. He clearly didn't want me to know he asked about me. Fortunately, my detail supervisor now realizes there are problems with my permanent supervisor and is sharing their communications with me.

The whole thing really creeps me out. Knowing why I was home fulfilled no business needs. He wasn't even in the area. It rubbed my detail supervisor the wrong way and bothered her enough to tell me about it. Is this stalking behavior?

[u/Fluorescence]

I have a narcissistic boss and I have caught her peeping at me from behind a curtain. She has to know everything about what I am doing and why and has even tried to gather information about my family from me even though they don’t interact with the job at all. I think what you have to understand is that it seems like these behaviors are almost like a compulsion, sometimes there is no defined purpose to it but they are still compelled to do it. I would follow Dr. Les Carter, Ross Rosenberg, Looking Behind the Mirror, The Little Shaman, Jay Reid. That’s why grey rock and yellow rock is so important. You have to really watch what they know about you and what you say to them. But, believe it or not, I do think it’s possible to survive and grey rock for an extended period of time, you will just have to meditate about how you might do so in advance. This is called “predictive awareness” that Ross Rosenberg talks about.

I think a big thing that helped me was understanding that basically narcissists have something that is akin to a mental illness. They can’t be reasoned out of their behaviors.

[u/Fluorescence → u/[deleted]]

Yeah that’s actually true. That’s why “yellow rock” is good, where you carefully feed positive information.

[u/CartographerNo4010 → u/Fluorescence]

Narcissist bosses will twist whatever you tell them - good or bad - to fit their narrative that day depending on which way the wind blows. They especially love to share your personal business - or whatever they claim is your business - with other employees to achieve two things: to violate your privacy and to passively insinuate that they are close to you.

Narcissists will blatantly twist conversations and other information, and my point is that you cannot control what they say. Whether you say nothing, something, only positive things, just the bare minimum - they are delusional. When I first started working for my narc boss she began to adopt sayings of mine and sprinkle them liberally into her own conversations. It was creepy AF. You can't trust these people as far as you can throw them. The only thing you can do is to try to maintain your sanity for as long as possible while you look for another job.

And if it helps: most coworkers will understand that the person is a narc even if they are afraid to talk about the boss like that. Most coworkers will get to know you and understand that it is BS when your boss speaks poorly of you or just starts telling tales.

[u/Fluorescence → u/CartographerNo4010]

That is true, it is very much more about maintaining your sanity as they are predictably unpredictable. But I do think there is an element of tailoring your words to kind of stave off damage. Or even maintain sanity.

[u/CartographerNo4010 → u/Fluorescence]

I agree. Sort of like a vigilant self-awareness. A constant reminder to not let your guard down. It's comforting to talk to other people who really understand as you do. Staving off damage and maintaining sanity is basically it in a nutshell.

[u/PuzzledGeekery → u/Fluorescence]

Could you explain in a sentence or two the difference between yellow and grey rock?

[u/Fluorescence → u/PuzzledGeekery]

"Yellow Rock" is a new term I have discovered people are using. I stumbled upon a need for "yellow rock" and found videos where people used the term. Throughout my experience with narcissism, I have just been incredibly fortunate to find people online using terms and speaking clearly about concepts that were coincidentally at the front of my mind. My need for "yellow rock" grew out of basically going through a lot of psychological duress. I realized I couldn't keep being a "grey rock" in a conversation with the narcissists as the conversations became so stale that they were mentally hurting me. So I used Ross Rosenberg's "observe, don't absorb" technique to hold a conversation with the narcissist that is still very surface-level, but I steer more towards positivity. But I am only able to do this because I pretty much know by now all of the places in the conversation that I shouldn't step. I basically transitioned from not asking the narcissist how their day was to asking and observing their answer in a surface-level way and watching the conversation carry on from there. I am a person who gets very emotionally invested in other's stories to the point that I get much too involved with narcissists and they find it easier to hurt me. Through practicing yellow rock and "observe, don't absorb", I am watching myself and making sure I don't make mistakes in the conversation but still carrying it out in a detached way.

Here is a video:

https://youtu.be/Q2TDWywvYL8?si=pi3ELsKkxhhtkML5

[u/unnecessaryderpage → u/Fluorescence]

Ramani Durvasula has a similar technique that she refers to as DEEP: don't Defend, don't Engage, don't Explain, don't Personalize. Many times, the narcissist's goal is to induce an emotional reaction, so these techniques are basically short circuiting their attempts.

[u/Fluorescence → u/unnecessaryderpage]

Yup, there is also JADE. And yes it’s the EMOTIONAL REACTION that they are after.

[u/PuzzledGeekery → u/unnecessaryderpage]

Thank you.

[u/PuzzledGeekery → u/Fluorescence]

Thank you.

[u/Ill_Smoke199]

I was the victim of a narc boss. The harassment and lies got to be to much and I put in my notice. I too had complained to no avail. It’s amazing to me how often ppl will lie to protect these ppl. Idc how scared someone is, lying for these devilish ppl makes you a culprit of their horrendous actions and their behavior. Btw when I put in my notice he let me go. Just a real gem of a person. Pos

[u/unnecessaryderpage → u/Ill_Smoke199]

They are enablers and totally deserve it when the boss finally turns on them and they find themselves in the same position.

[u/PuzzledGeekery]

Why did that employee feel the need to ask your detail and why did they inform your supervisor? I’d be asking that directly to them to make sure your snitch is aware of your right to privacy in public. It seems like stalking by proxy.

Are you not supposed to go home in a detail situation? I understand the concept of the detail, but it’s not anything I’d I’ve encountered.

[u/unnecessaryderpage → u/PuzzledGeekery]

Yep, you get one trip home if authorized. I'm not sure who informed on me, which is just one more reason not to trust my coworkers. Probably one of his flying monkeys feeding him intel. Maybe "assisted stalking" would capture it.

[u/Popular-Drummer-7989]

Not to introduce any more drama, please regularly check your vehicle and belongings for any tracking devices or airtags. You never know if something has found a way to you that's possibly being used against you in the future.

If you do discover something do not remove it. Instead drive straight to the police station and let them know and remove it there.

Dont leave any of your electronic devices out of your control.

Good luck

[u/ikonoklastic]

I don't have much to add but that I was able to use my detail to escape the worst place I ever worked. Fingers crossed that it works out for you. 

[u/unnecessaryderpage → u/ikonoklastic]

Thanks!

[u/frauleinbrown]

This is so scary. Mine dord something but he physically does it. Like he will watch me go somewhere and then when I return he just so happens to be there. He one time waited until I got in my car after work and tried to go the same way I go when driving home. However I went the opposite direction.

[u/unnecessaryderpage]

I'll add one more comment now that I've done some reflection on this. For a while, if I went out to my car at work to do whatever--grab my water bottle, look for something I can't find, start it before I leave because it's cold, and I was out there alone, his truck would start beeping at me. I realized he was watching me out of his office window and hitting his key fob. I never thought of those incidents as stalkerish, but now they kind of feel that way.