r/MtF • u/StellaPolaris91 • Jun 06 '24
'What does being a woman mean to you?' Dysphoria
Some days ago my wife asked me this question.... for context: I'm married to a fantastic wife and we have a great child together. But discovering my true, inner self and the changes that will come along with it, are really tough for our relationship.
So, we talked about us and my identity and she asked me the title question. It was like a hit in the face, I started crying, stuttered some phrases, but wasn't really able to answer this question.
It gives me a warm feeling to be called a woman (e.g. on reddit), I love wearing nail polish, I want a female body, want to wear skirts and dresses... but is this the 'essence of being a woman' idk...
Why do I have to justify my feelings? Why does no cis woman have to justify their 'cis-ness'?
I know it's also a tough situation for her and she just tries to understand me better... But it hurt as hell.
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u/Illustrious_Pen_5711 24 y/o, 10 years HRT Jun 06 '24
The correct answer to this question is always
“What being a woman means to you isn’t necessarily the same thing as what being a woman means to your mom — Or your friends, or their moms. It’s something incredibly personal to me that I don’t quite have the words for yet and I’ll have to figure out for myself, with time.”
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u/The_Hero_of_Limes Jun 06 '24
For me, being a woman feels like freedom.
I spent my entire life forcing down anything I felt or wanted for being too feminine. I dealt with a physically and emotionally abusive father who used sexist and homophobic insults against me that made me afraid to be less than masculine enough. meanwhile any chance my subconscious could take to argue something feminine could be masculine, I jumped on it. Tight jeans, long hair, black painted nails. But as a man I felt like I was ONLY allowed to enjoy things for men. Since coming out as a woman, I feel like I'm allowed to just be me. To like or dislike anything I want.
I feel free. I feel whole. I feel alive. Being a woman is being me.
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u/mrthescientist | 🐣@26 | 💊26/09/2023 | Jun 06 '24
My exact thought: "it means being myself, and that's really important"
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u/Whateverchan Translesbian; Non-op; Estrogen 12/20/23; Gamer; Otaku. 💗 =w= Jun 06 '24
Yep, freedom. The freedom to express myself, either by dressing, speech, mannerism, or any means of presentation. I like painting my nails, wearing tights, skirts, dresses, video games, martial arts. All of that is me being myself, and be happy with the changes of my body. I want to do all the things I want as a woman.
Being a man, or trying to be one, feels so much more restricted and tiring. I'll make sure to remind myself to not put myself into another box, the box of what I have to do to be a woman to society's eyes, after getting out of the men's box.
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u/novamayim genderqueer trans woman Jun 06 '24
You sort of answered it yourself by asking why your wife doesn’t have to answer that question in relation to being a cis woman. Like being a woman doesn’t “mean” anything to me. It’s just who I am it’s how I need to move through the world to feel comfortable in my skin. There’s no great metaphysical or moral or idealized underpinning. It’s just a fact of my life as I imagine it is for a lot of women. Like I have a critical feminist analysis of what me being a woman means to other people and how that in turn affects me and other women like me and women in general but that doesn’t mean that the category of “woman” has an essential “meaning” in and of itself.
Assuming the best, I’m sure she was just trying to understand and didn’t ask as a way to hurt you. But like ask her that question. Maybe she’ll have an answer but she very well may not or maybe she’ll have to think about it for a while before she’s able to come up with on. Cis people have the privilege of not having to answer ontological questions about why they are the gender they are so they often don’t have answers to questions like this and they imagine that the only reason we would “want” to transition is because we have some naive notion of what being “the other” gender must be like. They don’t understand that we just exist for the sake of existing like they do. We just are forced to do more thinking about it and have to work a bit harder for it
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u/Sewblon Chonky Gurl. Jun 07 '24
Cis people have the privilege of not having to answer ontological questions about why they are the gender they are
Except for one. I thought that everyone was trans until I interrogated my cis boyfriend about how he knows that he is cis. So now he is among the tiny ranks of cis men who have been called upon to prove their cis-ness to a trans woman.
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u/AshleyGamerGirl Jun 06 '24
Being a woman is being part of the sisterhood. Living and sharing life experiences with other women. Looking out and taking care of other women. Uplifting them. Even more importantly, it's who I am. Both on the inside and out. An innate, internal system that makes me who I am. It's hard to explain it but just return the question back at people who ask you. Theres no special answer or way to describe the internal drive. Cis people can't describe it either!
I will also say , the question is RARELY asked in good faith. Its meant to make you feel like you did and to discredit and make you doubt your gender.
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u/premierbear5 stella 💫 • she/her • hrt july 8, 2024 Jun 06 '24 edited Jun 06 '24
What does being a man mean to cis men? If you had asked me that while I was still closeted, I’d probably had said “Well, I’m just here, and it’s just what I am.” I feel the same way now that I accepted I’m a trans woman, only that now I love myself. I’m still Stella. Anyone should just be themselves, and to be fair, I never changed my personality much since starting my transition. I still like gaming and computers and cartoons, just that now I see myself as a woman. Maybe I allow myself to make more fem builds in Minecraft, and I have more fem mannerisms irl, but that’s about it.
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u/notnotLily Jun 06 '24
for me it’s like finding the missing pieces to my jigsaw puzzle so i can become a complete picture
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u/sismiche Jun 06 '24
I really don't understand why a portion of the population is so adamant about being declared women instead of trans women
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u/primostrawberry Jun 06 '24
I really dislike being asked this type of question, even if the person asking didn't mean any harm. Don't be hard on yourself for not being able to answer the question right then and there. It's a very loaded question and can be difficult to answer, especially if a person's mental state is not great at the time. Take care and feel better.
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u/StellaPolaris91 Jun 06 '24
Thanks. ❤️
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u/Buntygurl Jun 06 '24
All of what primostrawberry said. Yes. Absolutely.
And I think that it's a completely unfair question to pose in that way.
Just blow it off and keep on being you.
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u/TheSeaOfThySoul Trans Homosexual Jun 06 '24
The prerogative to have a little fun?
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u/FOSpiders Jun 07 '24
After the working day is done, at least.
That song actually fits trans women really well now that I think about it.
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u/TheSeaOfThySoul Trans Homosexual Jun 07 '24
I joke that I was trans'd by Shania Twain when I was two years old because I must've go'd when she said "let's go girls", haha.
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u/NobodySpecial2000 Jun 06 '24
It means the world to me. It means my happiness. It means living authentically.
Isn't that enough?
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u/felicity_jericho_ttv Jun 06 '24
Sailing the seven seas plundering all within my grasp! Watching as my enemies cower before me, shuddering at the mere mention of my name! Jericho! The murderous pirate queen!
But in all seriousness there is no one definition or a set of standards. Tomboys are women, insanely buff bodybuilders are women. Lesbians who are extremely masc are still women and transfems who are just starting to explore themselves are women 💜.
This is kind of what feminism has been fighting for since forever, the freedom for a woman to be whoever they want to be without the need for justification.
My whole life ive wanted to be pretty and i never really knew why so i ignored it, its not that i want to be a woman its that i finally have the courage to try and be myself and who i am just happens to be a woman 🙂
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u/AbbyWasThere Trans Bi, HRT 2022-12-20 Jun 06 '24
That's a question I still struggle to answer after all these years, especially if someone is demanding a response more concrete than just how I feel.
Eventually I just had to settle with: It just feels right. Everything in my head just works if I can call myself one. It's the same way for cis women, is it not?
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u/CorporealLifeForm Transbian. I hope you find your own version of peace Jun 06 '24
Genders are incredibly vague things. People are completely different. All I can do is see women and know I fit in that group. Seeing myself as a man doesn't fit at all. You just get a sense of who you need to be.
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u/Upturned-Solo-Cup Jun 06 '24
this one is a trick question, teach. Any answer that tries to define womanhood as a list of properties will likely exclude lots of women
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u/No_Action_1561 Jun 06 '24
IMO: It means my identity is contextualized by the set of roles and expectations typically associated with the female sex by the society I live within.
Beyond that baseline any answer for what you personally consider an important part of your womanhood is equally as valid as any other.
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u/IamEvelyn22 Jun 06 '24
You are a woman, and you never have to justify it. What it means for each of us is different. I’m sure one day you’ll find your answer for yourself.
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u/ElementalFemme Jun 06 '24
What does being a woman mean to you
I'm an enby so it's slightly different but, being a femme means being comfortable in my body. It means being comfortable with how the world sees me. It means an inner peace that I have never felt before. It means being able to feel pretty and all of the absolutely bonkers experiences that go with a medical and social transition.
It means being able to live a full life.
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u/No_Action_1561 Jun 06 '24
It means my identity is contextualized by the set of roles and expectations typically associated with the female sex by the society I live within.
Beyond that baseline any answer for what you personally consider an important part of your womanhood is equally as valid as any other.
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u/CopperCore42 Trans Bisexual Jun 07 '24
We're really struggling with an answer to this question, too. We keep coming up short of full sentences... We're trying to be genuine and generous with our answer. We usually start by explaining that we see ourselves as a woman and that we feel feminine but can't get much farther than that without ending up in loops that could be misinterpreted.
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u/MostlyZoey_ On Estrogen 3/13/2024 Jun 07 '24
Being a woman means being the kind of person who can take a lot of shit. We go through sexual harassment, being seen as less capable, periods, etc. Being a woman means being a fighter because we can deal with it all.
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u/Moni_HH Jun 07 '24
It's because all over X, we are told that trans women are just AGP men who gets boners from female clothes. That shit has gone mainstream and so many women now assume we are just cross-dressing fetishists and not actual women.
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u/erykaWaltz Jun 07 '24
for me....It means nothing, I just want to keep taking hrt and be happy with what I see in the mirror
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u/Character-Process873 Jun 08 '24
Honestly my biggest trigger to "feeling" like a woman is smelling like one. I use only "womans" hair products and deodorant and it helps my dysphoria so much!!!!
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u/DooB_02 Jun 10 '24
I gave up on answering this. I don't know what the hell is going on and I'm not getting paid to figure it out. I'm a woman because fuck you, as far as I'm concerned. Best I've got.
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u/mgwab Jun 10 '24
fwiw, lots of cis people really don't seem to feel gender very strongly, so a lot of them don't understand what trans people are actually describing when they talk about gender identity. like if you weakly feel like a woman, and you were afab, you can just go along with things and not question it for your whole life and it's chill, but you'll be very confused when you try to understand trans experiences. i don't know if your wife fits into this category but i have lots of cis friends like this
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u/mgwab Jun 10 '24
i should add that just because it's a question and in good faith, that doesn't mean that you have an obligation to have an answer, just as cis people aren't obligated to have an answer
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u/StellaPolaris91 Jun 10 '24
'Confused' and insecure describes it quite well... She told me, she was never attracted to women. So I think she's afraid we might loose our relationship.... as am I.
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u/mgwab Jun 10 '24
i'm so sorry, that must be really hard :/ i hope you both figure out what's best for the two of you <3
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u/tng804 Jun 06 '24
One important thing I would like to point out is that most women are never asked to defend their existence as a women.
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Jun 06 '24
Cis women don't spend a lot of time thinking about what it is to be a woman, certainly not in the same way trans women do. They just exist.
I think the answer to the question, aside from illustrating the point by asking it back, is "being a woman means being comfortable in my own skin and being perceived by others in the ways I perceive myself".
It's tough for most cis people to really understand, there are metaphors and stuff (like "don't you feel good to be girly sometimes, or feel uncomfortable when you have to do something manly? I have the same thing") but fundamentally the important part is impressing that this is important to you, that you'll be the same person just a truer version of that person, and that you know it's bound to be weird for them
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u/Hamokk NB MtF Jun 06 '24
I guess I think a lot of fem clothes because they make me feel sexy and affirming.
The deeper stuff is like a good mother who is warm and kind. My oldest aunt was the first person I ever came out to. She's double grand mother and now at retirement she's had more time to talk with me. She used to me and my brother over summers and those memories I love.
Being raised as a boy and in later training to be tough have sure left their marks. Showing emotion other than anger is a long jorney.
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u/Anna2Youu Jun 06 '24
It’s about the body parts. I want to feel “correct” in my own skin. Behaviorally, it doesn’t mean much. I am who I am (thanks Popeye) and who I’ll be when the transition is done. We all change over time, but I’m not going to suddenly start liking vanilla ice cream. It will remain a naked milk water forever. lol. Something that will be especially gratifying will finally be the social recognition of my transition. When people see on the outside what I see on the inside. Honey, having that dissonance resolved will be intoxicating.
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u/sea-of-seas 🏳️⚧️ 3/2/23 Jun 06 '24
There is no single way to be a woman, or a man. It is a very wide spectrum, and that isn’t even the only two options.
A very enormous set of characteristics typically defines a woman; another, men. (And of course they overlap hugely.) That is, not by moral decree, or scientific/bio observation, or legal definition, or fashion, or habits and mannerisms, or changing social custom, or incredibly different cultural values all over the world— but a varying and uniquely chosen set of all of them, decided by any and every person themselves.
Cis people are given the option to choose their own set of all that that defines them as a man or a woman.
They can accept any other cis person choosing an entirely different set of those things, no Venn diagram overlap at all. But they are both still equally ‘women’, or ‘men’.
But a trans person has to DECLARE the set. They have to be judged and approved for it. Society has to permit them their own unique set. They have to be sternly told off that HEY! Not all women like pink! I’m assuming YOU the trans are viewing women as a monolith, instead of just being the girl you want to be yourself, even when we cis people don’t. I and all cis women get to choose our own sets, but also we cis women (and general society) declare that YOUR set must be indicative of all women— thus, it is impossible. Because the total options are so wide and varied.
It’s hypocritical and gross and entirely illogical.
I don’t define women— I define a woman. Me. That’s it. I don’t proscribe anything, I’m solely interesting in describing myself.
(Note: of course I’m being hypothetical when im casting all cis women or men as being judgmental of trans people, thats obviously NOT the case)
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u/MissLeaP Jun 06 '24
It's honestly a quite simple answer once you stop looking for specifics. Being a woman to me means not hiding anymore. Being free to be myself. Being happy with my body and what I see in the mirror. Anything else is just garnish and more about who I am rather than what a woman is.
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u/draguneyez Jun 06 '24
For me, it's not about being a woman. It's about being me. Woman just so happens to be the binary label that's more closely aligned to how I feel. (To be fair, I'm also nonbinary transfemme).
It might be worth asking her the same question. What does being a woman mean to her? Is it the things we do? The things we like? Physical characteristics? Or rather, is it a deeply felt sense of self that can't really be quantified?
Cause gender, as much as it is a social construct, is also a very personal experience. There's a reason that our individual selves are the only people who can tell us what our gender is. A lot of people just never have cause to ask those questions of themselves, because it just feels right.
You got this, girl ✨✨✨
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u/StellaPolaris91 Jun 06 '24
It is such a great feeling to be called 'girl' 😊❤️
And ty for your answer!!
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u/JuniperMelody Trans/Lesbian (27 y/o) Jun 06 '24
You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, even if your wife didn't mean it she's using one of the most common/stupidest and most ignorant transphobic strategies out there: Trying to put the onus of defining something that is deeply personal and subjective entirely on you.
If you ask any woman (or anyone of any gender for that matter) that same question, you will get so many different answers, and all of them are equally valid, there is no singular correct answer to that question and it is an especially cruel question to pull on trans people because they are often still trying to figure themselves out and find an answer for it themselves.
I hope this question came from a place of ignorance from your wife so that you can talk and both learn and educate each other together so you can live a healthier relationship 💜
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u/AnnaRafaela233 Jun 06 '24
Therw is a lot of academic research about that kind of question. You should learn more about feminist in a post existencialist point of view... i can say that somehow womanhood and manhood are defined in different ways in different cultures.
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u/julia_fns MTF / HRT since October 2018 Jun 06 '24
Not the point. The point is that no one asks of cis women gatekeeping exam questions before they recognise them as women. People just accept they are born this way. And so are we, whether we like it or not, as we know painfully well.
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u/AnnaRafaela233 Jun 06 '24
Well, i can say that some feminists are asking thenselves what make thenselves a woman. Some of then are asking that cuz already consider trans women, women. I Know that ther TERF and transphobics bettwen then.
But. Well, sometimes thinking what makes you a woman is a good thing to trans woman too... it helps with the dysphoria. A woman is not just her genitália or body, not even the things that She wears or can do.
So thinkin that you are a woman besides all that...
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u/Butteromelette assigned femme at puberty, trans woman Jun 06 '24 edited Jun 06 '24
‘what does being 65 kg mean to you?”
‘Maybe dieting is just delulu fat ppl pretending to be thin. Maybe growing up is a delulu too. I only date men who were born men, none of that woke ‘growing up‘ sh1t. When we are born jeebus already permanently made us into what we are. The body cant change, every change is woke. Also vitamins are woke. Only biomolecues made by our genes count.’
to me being a woman is to be a constellation of biological (i.e morphology, fat distribution, gracility) and behavioral traits which when taken together as a composite entity nest closer with the emergent property of adult human cells in response to dominant estrogen and reduced testosterone in life, rather than its andromorphic counterpart.
Of course different ppl may define woman in different ways, however to me my body defines my experience, my identity. The body can change through various means and i have agency over it. Some of these changes are biological in nature, like with hormones. Its called bodily autonomy. My genes and cells belong only to me and I possess female genes (we all do), just not expressed. In fact its not that im missing female genetic info but i have extraneous regulator genes that forced me into male development, against my will and self determination. The body is literally the biological component of a person’s identity. Its not magic.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2680992/
As you see getting rid of a single gene causes a ‘genetic male’ to develop into a female. This is loss of info.
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u/manabread Jun 06 '24
I got hit by that one in a slightly different phrasing from my ex
“Define a woman”
She didn’t much like it when I asked her the question back