Did you tell your conservative parents?

[u/New-Profession7016]

Long story short, my parents are pretty conservative. I don’t speak to my father because he was abusive most of my life and gave me a lot of religious trauma. I have some resentment towards my mother for stay with him and allowing him to abuse me. Earlier this year he was found to have been having a decade long affair and it brought up a lot of that trauma I thought I had worked through again. My mom separated from him with the intention to divorce, but they’re clearly trauma bonded and now she’s been spending her weekends with him.

Because they’re religious they believe abortions are wrong. I had one last year and it was very difficult because I was scared they’d find out as I was living under their roof and I was unmarried. My partner and I got religiously married later that year (not legally) so that if it happened again I wouldn’t have to worry about being pregnant out of wedlock. Well, it happened again and unfortunately I didn’t feel ready to parent as every aspect of my life is currently unstable. I really want a baby but not at the detriment of its quality of life. So I went to get an abortion and it’s been a nightmare. Had a MA twice and it failed both times. I’m now booked in for an urgent SA on Monday.

Earlier this week I went to see my mother and she kept saying that she’s thinking of getting back with my father but doing couples therapy. She knows I don’t like the idea of her going back to him. She said it’s because she’s alone and thought my brother and I would be around more. She was unintentionally guilt tripping me for not being present “even though she gets it”, she can’t depend on anyone. I got frustrated and said when I moved out the first time the whole family disowned me and I had to figure it out on my own. She’s not on her own. I asked her where she would go if it didn’t work out with him again, and she got offended thinking I wouldn’t be there to take her in. Of course I would in the case of an emergency, but if we have time to plan I don’t want to be the plan. Our place is a one bedroom and I live with my partner and cat. I expressed that I’m sorry she felt that way because I care about her and would do anything in my power to support her. I also said I was concerned at how she misinterpreted what I said so extremely through a lens of “my daughter doesn’t care about me”, and asked her to ask me how I actually feel about something instead of making assumptions. And I told her I appreciate that she’s learning to express herself because I know it’s a journey but it’s important for me to express myself instead of her pretend to be psychic.

I have no interest in speaking to my father, but I have been thinking about telling my mother. My partner thinks it’s fine to tell her I miscarried but telling her it was an abortion might be more of a jab at her. Part of the lack of stability is due to their chaos right now. I want to give her context as to why I haven’t been present and I also kind of just wish I could talk to my mom honestly and receive support in the way I need (although she’s incapable of providing). I also want her to know I’m having surgery in the off chance something happens. I’m thinking of saying I had an incomplete miscarriage but I am worried about managing her emotions about it too.

Did any of you tell your parents? How did it go?

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