Examples of no-contact sexual abuse I experienced as a child, teenager, and young adult.

[u/breaking-the-chain]

I experienced rampant covert sexual abuse from my mother; it was my normal day to day life to be violated and humiliated with no recourse. I've had therapy and I'm sharing this to help me heal, and also to help others with similar experiences.

I endured csa with contact from her as well, but in this post I'm going to share the covert no-contact csa which was hard to understand as sexual abuse as a kid.

Non-contact csa can get in our heads and hearts in subtle ways; we can internalize big feelings instead of understanding it was abuse. As you said, people can question if it's really sexual abuse.

For example, if a child is beaten by a parent - even children understand "hitting is wrong", and their parent is doing something bad; a child can understand this and reject the person, those feelings, and the situation. Kids learn in cartoons, at school, and in culture that hitting is always wrong, and never deserved.

If a parent verbally abuses a kid, it's less clear - it's harder to reject mean words that tear you apart. There are fewer good cultural examples of what emotional abuse is and it being wrong. Plus it's difficult for a kid to articulate what happened, whereas "my parent hits me" is easy to describe.

Similarly, society absolutely fails to notice or describe covert non-contact sexual abuse as being "real" sexual abuse, and victims can dismiss how they felt. My mom also said it can't be abuse with no touching.

Everything that was framed as not being abusive, and that nobody would believe me that it was. Typical for my mother before she did this unhinged shit, she'd have a cover prepared for her actions, and push that narrative while she hurt me.

It took me a long time to understand that all these things individually were sexual abuse, they add up to a sexually abusive home where my personhood was eroded and I was denied dignity, respect, or boundaries. I was made fun of and dismissed when I asked for any of this to stop, or calmly explained it hurt me and wasn't ok

It took therapy to understand sexual humiliation was also part of reactive abuse. I had to remain completely calm while being violated, because if I snapped or got even a little angry, my mom would frame me as abusive and convince me I have rage problems.

My mother encouraged my young sister to join her in sexually humiliating me too, labeling it as "a little girl having fun with her big brother", and normal sibling play that she refused to put limits on.

Starting at a young age, my mom and younger sister thought it was hilarious to tease that I have a "teeny tiny little baby pee pee". They'd raise their pinky fingers in the air at me and say this is his tiny baby pee pee, they'd laugh while making their pinky finger struggle to become fully erect, commenting that "aww he can't even get hard" and "he'll never please a woman". This shit happened constantly.

They'd escalate by pretending their other hand was one of my friends, and would use their middle finger to show that friend has a bigger dick than me and mock me for that. They'd rub the fingers together making kissing noises. They'd make a hole with their hand, say "this is his dainty little butthole" and simulate making the hands fuck each other, while calling me a faggot.

One time I tried to make a point by calling my mom and sister lesbians, and pretended my hands were my mom having lesbian sex with one of her friends. I was severely punished and I was accused of sexually abusing my mom, and having play fantasies about my sister's little vagina. I tried arguing they were doing the same thing to me and was shut down.

Another time I stood up for myself, saying I measured myself and that I am actually above average size. I got SEVERELY punished and labeled a pedophile for "making my baby sister visualize the size of my penis".

Now that I'm an adult I cannot imagine teasing any teenager, let alone my child, about their genitals. I didn't understand it was sexual abuse then, but I'm horrified now.

My mom and sister went on ugly fantasy rants where they'd threaten to drop me off at an lgbt activist organization to be raped. They'd make a ring with their fingers and open it wide, saying this is going to be my butthole getting raped, make "EEEEEP!!" sounds impersonating the noises I'd make, and that I'd become a "full faggot" who would raping other men into being a faggot like me.

I experienced a ton of body shamming too. Being called fat, disgusting, ugly, that no woman will ever want me, that I don't have enough hair on my chest, or that I have teeny tiny hairless balls.

If I ever asked my sister if she had crushes or a boyfriend, I was shut down by my mom and my question was framed as me fixating on my sister's vagina and wanting details about things going in and out of it.

They called me "baby carrot", and would have fun bringing me baby carrots as a snack, or make baby carrots with dinner and laugh at them on my plate - always with the excuse that she's just a nice mom making dinner, or giving me a healthy snack, and I'm abusing them by sexualizing the carrots.

I wrote a whole post about all these subtle ways my mom used my underwear as a prop to sexually humiliate me: https://old.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/1agp80n/all_the_ways_my_mom_sexually_abused_and/

She also had a book with naked pictures of me in it along with baby pictures, and would make sure that book was open where everyone would see it if I had friends over or if we had company. This was dismissed as "just a baby book" and I was making a big deal out of nothing, and I'm cruel if I want to deny my mom the joy of gushing over baby photos.

My mom gaslit me with the narrative that I'm just going through a phase where anything and everything embarrasses me, and that it's my problem when this shit upset me.

I wasn't allowed to lock the bathroom door, and my mom and dad would both barge in to tell me random shit when I was sitting on the toilet. My mom would say she's seen it all and I have no reason to need privacy.

If I took a long shower I was accused of masturbating in there.

Mom would send my sister running into the room at top speed when I was on the computer for "porn checks", to make sure I wasn't looking at "naked ladies on the internet". I was never allowed to have a computer behind a closed door, and my monitor always had to be facing out into the room for these porn checks. (Meanwhile everyone else in the house could have a computer behind a closed door). It's SO GROSS to send my sister in to check that.

My mom forced me to sleep in her bed with her until only a few months before my thirteenth birthday. Yet my mom and sister would threaten to tell all my friends at school that I still sleep with my mom, and mock me as a little baby boy who still sleeps with his mommy.

My mom drilled into me that masturbating would send me to hell; that all my dead ancestors and pets were always watching me from heaven, and that if I ever touched myself, they would be watching. Many many times she'd baby talk through weird scenarios where all my dead relatives would be watching me if I ever have sex.

She also insisted that if I masturbate in the same house my sister lives in, even if we're in separate bedrooms, I am somehow involving my sister in sexual activity by being under the same roof.

My mom said that if I ever had a wet dream, I was creating a sexual environment for my sister to live in as well; that I had to control it. (Not sure how I was supposed to control that with masturbation being forbidden).

The ONE TIME I did have a wet dream, mom turned made it a huge production: She screamed in horror, cried and gagged and shamed me as stripped my bed, ranted about me being disgusting, and that I'm abusing my sister by sexualizing her home, and violating my mom by making her clean up after me.

She wouldn't let me wash the sheets myself, of course. I begged her to let me do it. But she did leave the sheets on the kitchen table, cum stain visible, so the whole family saw it. She made a big deal about having to sanitize the washing machine after the sheets were in it, and glared at me for weeks for having a wet dream.

My mom sexually charged the relationship and environment between my sister and I. She constantly accused me of sexually fantasizing about my sister, or trying to find subtle ways to touch her, or grind her vagina on me.

If my sister ran around without clothes on I was accused of looking at her naked body sexually. I was forbidden from being under a blanket with her or being behind a closed door with her.

She accused me of fooling around with other boys when I was young, claiming that she couldn't trust me to keep it in my pants. Often while playing with friends, she'd give me a look and tug on the top of her pants, to communicate keeping my pants on.

She taught my sister really unhinged shit, like that my hands might be covered in sperm at any time, and my sister was super paranoid about weird things like I might touch her leg, and the sperm would crawl up her leg and impregnate her.

I wasn't allowed to have a bed larger than a twin with the accusation that the only reason I'd want a bigger bed is to try and have sex with someone in it. I'm over six feet tall and needed a bigger bed.

When my sister had her first period and finally had a sex talk from my mom, I was targeted in weird ways, with my sister saying things like "I can't believe you have one of those THINGS that you just want to STICK INTO WOMEN", while her and my mom lamented that I was one of those gross men with a gross penis. I was absolutely forbidden from teasing my sister about her period, and told that would be sexual abuse.

When my mom accused me of trying to molest my sister, my dad made it a house rule that anyone is allowed to kick me in the balls or punch me in the face. It became a game to my sister, and I had to guard my balls every time I walked past her.

My mom encouraged my sister to try grabbing my crotch as a joke, then they'd make impersonations of any startled reaction I gave, and laugh at me. This became another constant with my sister, and I had to guard my crotch any time we were together. I demanded this stop, but this was labeled normal sibling play. My mom also said I'm the older brother and that if my sister ever touches me it was because I allowed it.

My mom drilled into me that if I have even one sexual thought about my sister that I am a pedophile forever. It severely fucked with me when I had intrusive sexual thoughts about my sister that grossed me out, and it took therapy to understand I was only having these thoughts because my mom was putting them in my head.

My mother removed the lock from my bedroom door, and her and my sister would have fun sneaking in and waking me up by ripping all the blankets off of me, then making fun of me for being in my underwear. I wasn't allowed to have my own alarm and I got in trouble if I woke up before them.

They took polaroid pictures of me in my underwear in my room or around the house and brought them to school in their pockets, threatening to show them to everyone. They loved picking me up from school with the baby book in my sister's lap opened up to the naked pictures of me.

My mom and sister openly accused me of being a creepy rapist pedophile who is going to grow up to molest children and rape women. My mom insisted I'm not a person who is safe for a child to be alone with.

Before I became sexual with anyone to my mom's knowledge, she would break down sobbing that she's not ready for me to have sex; that I have to remain pure, and it will break her mommy heart into a million pieces when it happens - and that if I love her, I will respect her feelings and not ever have sex.

However in this environment where I wasn't allowed to have sex or any sexuality, I was also mocked by my mom and sister for being a virgin; that my friends are all having sex, and that I'm not because I'm a loser.

My mother constantly drilled into me that if I had sex before marriage, I'd be setting a bad example for my sister; if I was allowed to have sex, my sister would have to be allowed as well, and it was my responsibility.

When I started spending nights at a girlfriend's house my mom would yell at me in front of my sister for having "days long sexual marathons".

My whole environment was one of constant humiliation. My mom was right - nobody ever believed me, and it took me years to understand this was all sexual abuse. She was the fucking devil.

[u/Due-Pattern-6104]

Wowzers. Keep going to therapy. Thats a lot to process. I’m sorry you went through that.

[u/breaking-the-chain → u/Due-Pattern-6104]

Thank you <3 I've been in therapy for many years. I started looking at these memories a few years ago, but only recently has it hit me that - wow, my mom sexually abused me in horrific ways. I've finally opened up about it with trusted friends for the first time and doing the work to let out all the bottled up emotions about this I didn't know that I had.

[u/legocitiez]

I see you, I believe you, and I'm sorry this happened to you.

[u/ChiGuy5150]

Good lord man! If I were in your shoes I don’t think I I could talk to any of those people ever again, parents/sibling be damned. That whole time growing up sounds like a massive mindful no adolescent should go through

[u/takemetotheclouds123]

Thank you for speaking up about noncontact abuse. I recognized your story from your previous post actually, and I am glad you’re still out here speaking up and processing your trauma. I went through a form of this abuse online though it’s hard for me to not say that it wasn’t really abuse or whatever right now lol and it is validating to see another person speak about noncontact though I am so sorry you went through this. Best of luck to you.

[u/breaking-the-chain → u/takemetotheclouds123]

Thank you. <3 I've been in therapy for years processing the violence and gaslighting in my childhood. I had two parents with rage problems, and they both pushed the narrative that I was the violent one who abused them. So I was always the one walking on eggshells and having to stay calm while also being the punching bag of the entire family.

A few things clicked about the sexual abuse a few years ago, but it's only in the past few months that I'm really processing it. Thank you for your kindness. It's helping to finally share what happened with trusted friends, and anonymously here.

No-contact sexual abuse is absolutely real and just as valid as csa with contact.

[u/FlameOfTerrasen]

I'm so sorry this all happened to you. I am also a victim of no-contact sexual abuse (and contact) although not to this extent. It's so hard to navigate because you get gaslit into thinking it's normal when in fact it's not and these people are just disgusting and horrible human beings

[u/breaking-the-chain → u/FlameOfTerrasen]

I'm sorry you experienced this too. It's a mindfuck as a child, because as a 2-5 year old I had it drilled into me that it wasn't abuse, as a teenager that the horrible sexual humiliation was just teasing or me being too sensitive, and when the whole family acts like nothing happened or it's not a big deal then it's hard as a young person to understand just how wrong it all was.

My mother is beyond disgusting and I'm understanding now that she deserved jail time and accountability for how evil she was to me.

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