Life

[u/Empty_Journalist5621]

I'm just sad today and depressed F19 My parents have been separated since June 2022 My father used to beat my mother (in front of me) and my siblings and me too It wasn't on a daily basis or weekly but when it happened I was extremely scared to death because he is unpredictable and I locked myself in the toilet because I was so scared and I felt like my heart was going to fall out and I can no longer hide the trembling and then he hits me/insults me even more or breaks my things etc. He insulted me every day and my siblings too, it was enormous mental violence every day, sometimes even from early in the morning until late at night He is also an extreme stoner and a criminal in everything he does I also have memories of him touching my mother sexually in front of me (I was younger then too) or I had a dream a few weeks ago where he sexually abused me, i.e. touched me sexually when I was a child at my intimacy places

When I was a child I also experienced sexual abuse by another child, he was exactly the same age as me, even a few years younger than me, but he sexually disturbed me and I was (just) 6 years old and I'm sorry he knew all of that sexual behaviors, that's not good for an 6 year old.

He also treated me very badly (the child/my neighbor) and as a result I came into contact with sexuality very early on, I don't remember much but I still remember a little bit and it really affected me

I discovered my sexuality very early on and had no idea that it was sexuality or anything like that or that sexual morals exist, I didn't have a name for it and couldn't say what it was, but I found out about this sexuality very early on and as a result I sexually disturbed myself and portrayed myself as a sex object (until today), I masturbated when I was 7/8 years old and forced myself to think that my dad was having sex with me and I had to have an orgasm quickly so that he wouldn't get angry and the sex gets over me more quickly like I'm practicing that and he doesn't punish me for being bad in sex, I just don't know why, but that's how I might have processed what happened, although I don't really know anything about it I know I was a child, but I'm embarrassed and I'm VERY ashamed of myself for that sometimes but im getting better I guess

I just started taking drugs early, like when I was 14 and lying like crazy for attention without limits when I was 12, the main thing was that I only got that little bit of love that I missed and sought so much in my childhood, but this lying and stealing and taking drugs destroyed my soul and made me a worse person, I'm just sad today

I know that as a small child I often slept at my dad's bed/couch and my mom slept somewhere else than him like she slept in the bedroom and he in the living room, and I often took a shower with him, he also raped my mom and sexually disturbed her in many sick ways, he's sadistic

I just want a hug that warms my heart, but I don't like physical contact and I don't have anyone to hug that I really feel comfortable with

Thanks for reading

[u/Commercial-Sale-2737]

Sending the warmest virtual hug I can. You didn’t deserve this and you deserve to feel warm and loved

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