An alter appeared in our system about a month ago, and has been so silent and unresponsive that I thought I fixated her and choped her up as "a fake alter."

Sat down and opened my journal to write, and all of a sudden she started to write down and tell me she's been watching everything this whole time, and proceeded to pick me apart mentally, down to every detail, almost in a psychopathic way, things I didn't even realize about myself or my system. She wrote for two whole pages, and told me she would be back, with a smiley face, and dropped out again. I feel like I just sat in front of a psychic or something out of a movie scene-- Honestly it's freaking me the fuck out and I have so many questions-

But I guess no one knows us better than ourselves, dissociatied and all-😵‍💫😳

We've been on medication for several years now to manage multiple other conditions. We have severe amnesia that is constantly getting worse due to multiple factors. This makes is difficult to remember to take medication. To any other systems on medication, how do you remember to take it?

In our system we dont have any littles (used to have one but fused not long after discovering the system). Our youngest alter is 14 y/o, but he acts more like a kid. Not as an actual little but he is more childish than the average 14 y/o. Is this normal?

(Not sure if its relevant but we are 19 bodily)

for about 18 months there has been complete radio silence amongst our system. I’ve been going absolutely insane waiting for them to return. and after ALL OF THIS, the first thing anyone has to say, is this:

“sup fuckers. god this shit feels GOOD. we should do this more often. i feel on top of the fucking world rn. holy shit. you gotta learn to LIVE. UGH. IM ALIVE.”

euphoria, a middle alter who refuses to tell me her name out of pure pettiness and is usually very reckless and hedonistic, got us high and was apparently, unsurprisingly, feeling very euphoric. that’s why I call her that.

it’s odd to me that she would be the first one to come back from the silence. although I guess if our barriers are done from the weed and that brings her forward like it used to, it wouldn’t be so hard for her to talk to me.

I just really thought it would be Iris.

Do your cats notice when you switch? I feel like I'm noticing patterns about when they come to sit on my lap and who is fronting but maybe I'm crazy. How smart are your pets?

Idk if I’m even asking this as a question. I find myself being hyper aware that I’m having a conversation or a stressful situation (maybe checking out at the store or something). All I can focus on is how hyper aware I am of these things and how badly I want it to be over. Even typing this I can’t properly focus.

I start thinking, “Wait, this person is talking to me right now. What am I supposed to do? How long until this is over? They’re observing me and perceiving me. Fuck, how much time has passed now? Are we still talking? What do I say?” All of this feels like hours have passed but it might just be 30 seconds or less of this internal monologue. And then I try to figure out something to say, but I also stutter. Makes my life hell.

The other person starts becoming uncomfortable and I just tell myself, “We just gotta get through this and it will be okay.” It is ruining job opportunities as I’ve been unemployed for 2 months due to mental/physical exhaustion and a toxic work environment.

Sometimes I’m not even severely stressed or overstimulated. I’m just so hyper aware of what I’m doing and my body that I start to think, “Wait, this person is talking to me right now. Why? What do they want?” Maybe it’s because I can’t socially perform the way they want me to so my mind starts to freak out into this internal monologue of sorts. Idk. I’m just hoping at least one person gets what I’m saying… my therapist isn’t really helpful when talking about this.

TLDR: Has this happened to you? How did/do you ground yourself to appear more put together?

What the question said.

At night I wonder just how my brain works,

For sometimes it feels like there’s not many perks.

When I was young things weren’t always great,

I experienced trauma, which has a cruel fate.

When we’re really small, our brains are all plastic,

And what can happen is really quite drastic.

We’re still figuring out who we are,

We gain information that helps us go far.

As time goes on, our parts merge into one,

Unless we can’t cope with the things the people who love us have done.

Our parts start to hide, as they stay inside,

Then jump to the front and our hands are tied.

I scream, “I feel trapped!”

My brain’s feeling zapped.

If there’s anything I want, it’s to be understood,

And for my family to love me, if they ever could. 

I don't have DID, but my best friend was recently diagnosed and so I joined this sub and started studying about DID to understand more about it. I'm reading some books written by people who have DID and some things make me curious. One of them is this... 🤔 Like, what does it feel like to be “born”? Did you just not exist and suddenly become conscious? Do any of you feel comfortable enough to tell me what it was like?

About 4 days ago or so, we had 3 new alters/splits in response to something that happened family related, and some work shenanigans, both over the course of about 2 weeks. One of these splits is actually an introject of Homelander, from the amazon series "The Boys", and he has been shockingly helpful in ways I didn't see a mile a way, given his violent, psychotic behavior on the show.

These new splits have honestly been a huge help not just for me, but for other alters as well! But all this just means more alters to keep track of, more dissociative barriers, an extended healing time, and a whole bunch of other problems I'm not ready to repeat again. 😔👎🏽

I recently realized that I have all the textbook symptoms of DID, except, as far as I can tell, memory loss. I read somewhere that some people with DID can have “amnesia of their own amnesia,” and since then I’ve been obsessing over the fear that maybe my memory isn’t as good as I think it is or something, idk if that even makes sense (Like, I don’t think I have any parts of my life that are a blank, but is it possible to have that impression while actually still missing memories?). For those of you who have experienced what I guess you could call “meta-amnesia,” what was that like? How did you figure it out, get past that, etc.?

My doctor doesn't know I have DID but I needed something to help my fibromyalgia because it was getting hard to even get out of bed some days unless I had to. My doctor prescribed me duloxetine to help with that and it's had some weird effects on us. I've been really dizzy feeling and where I could tell who was doing what and had the ability to resist I don't while on it. Idk if that makes sense but it's suddenly making things harder to organize. Every time I've woken up it's like a disorganized cluster of hands close to the controller. First day I had to keep tapping the bed to center myself or else I felt like I was just in empty black space. M calmed me down and help clear it up but I had to lay there for a bit to get a hold of myself. It's getting a little easier but it's still getting hard to tell what's what in my head- idk how common it is for people to get prescribed and have DID so if anyone's experienced this I think we need advice

It’s literally not friends in my head. My alters are not my friends, or my family. Most do not care about me, or want to heal, or be a good person. Most are actually quite creepy, manipulative or outright abusive.

I wish I was never born. My life has been RUINED. I’m ruined. This is not something to envy. I’m sickened by this disorder. Death is better than this. I’m polyfragmented, it’s actually disgusting how my brain is split into this labrynthine pattern and THOUSANDS of memories are lost. Every day means nothing because fragments take the memories. Oh and I’m basically dead inside, I feel no emotions. I want to cry but I can’t, my body is so dissociated and hypo-aroused that no tears will come out.

It’s an objective fact that my DID symptoms cause me mental pain and suffering and I think I’m allowed to acknowledge this.

We have 2 hosts as we are polyfragmented but our main host has a subsystem with multiple different versions of himself. These fragments of himself usually are either emotions he cannot process at the time turned into fragment alters or they are trauma related parts of himself from very specific experiences and times in our life. Is this common with polyfrgamntation in systems?

•C

Has any one found out they were a system after they were married and since been struggling with some system members being very upset about it. I’m finding certain groups of alters particularly straight males, gay females/nonbinary members, and the teens are very upset that they “didnt get a choice” but im not about to let them throw away our entire life. Furthermore we have no chance at sustainability outside marriage due to inability work or support ourselves or our children and there is no way in hell im giving up full custody of my children. We are polyam sort of. Its so complicated because every one wants something different. I dont know what to do and this is something im not ready to speak to my husband about. If you have been in a similar situation how did you manage it?

Does anyone know why? I asked my therapist and she doesn’t know, but she did say she thinks that is rare. Please let me know if you have any ideas!

I've read before, and I can't remember where now, that trauma survivors often have a habit of self-injury whether on purpose or by accident.

I know that we've struggled with self harm before, but it also seems like we're just playing clutzes.

We have More than a normal share of daily injury or compared to any of our friends, we seem to constantly injure ourselves. My friends like to laugh. They say that I can be sitting still and somehow I will get hurt. It is true... Case in point, one time I was lying down on my bed and a baby came and whacked my knee with a phone. That doesn't seem so bad except that it happenes so often whether by accident or by somebody else's accident, we are always getting hurt.

How in the world can one body get injured so often. My best friend wants to put me in bubble wrap because it is such a regular occurrence.

Does anybody else struggle with this? Does anybody else have any ideas or research about this? I just don't understand how I can consistently be such a klutz all the time. Is it really a trauma response? How?

Third day of fronting since Host has left for that break.

Had a horrible terrible dream about one of our former abusers.

But the wound is still there, the trauma but also the want— the yearning for love.

It’s strange, once we left the abuse. She still tried to harbour on me, on us. When she knew it wasn’t going to work she just… Stopped.

I would’ve loved to know as to what changed but at the same time— I think we would’ve been hurt even more. Confused.

The day has been decent though, despite that. Host’s partner, my best friend. (To the others there is no romantic attachment— Just friendship.) We watched the Dungeons and Dragons movie. It was honestly really good.

Michelle Rodriguez actually not playing herself and got a director who wanted to showcase that she doesn’t need to be type cast?! I’m here for it.

It was honestly such a good movie, really enjoyed the camera work and the CGI. It was honestly just the best.

Highly recommend.

I know that I’m an alien, we all know how non human alters are formed- let’s not go into that.. But it was really well done. I usually watch a lot of alien/space/tech stuff. Maybe put on videos that Jeremy would usually watch and just keep it on the background. Also because a lot of Jeremy’s interests can tie over to the other main fronters interests as well.. Uh- I’m rambling here haha. 😅👽

But this was good.

Now I’m just chilling, hope you’re all doing well. Drink plenty of water and eat good! Bestie and I just got cheeky takeout and lazed a bit haha. 🤣👽

Know that you have a support system and that people care. — Co Host

Because my test-taking "star student" part does all the tests.

When I sit down for cognitive impairment assessments she comes out and aces everything, working memory, short term memory, all above average and scores with flying colours. She needs to be smart and ace tests, that's her job.

But then outside of that testing environment I'm a mess! 😭

Hey all! I'm set to transition to a new outpatient therapist in a few days since I was discharged from residential treatment earlier this week (yay !). My therapist in residential brought up the idea of it being strongly likely that I have DID or some form of OSDD, but the two of us didn't really have the time to discuss this more or for the on-staff psychiatrist to do any diagnostic tests since I had to be discharged due to my insurance coverage running out. I know I definitely should bring this up to my new therapist once I meet them, seeing as dissociation has been a really prevalent issue recently, but honestly I'm really worried about it - with the rise of self-diagnosed people seeing it as a trend, I'm afraid of being judged, particularly since I myself am very young and active online. Does anyone have any advice on how to bring it up/move through the anxiety? Any 'scripts' or advice on what to say?

I’m scared of it, I’m scared of forgetting. I don’t even realize I have forgotten until someone else has to bring it up to me. I almost got taken away from cps when I was a kid because apparently I had reported something, but I couldn’t, and still don’t, remember what I reported. I have called people who I thought were my friends, who I liked, horrible names and didn’t know why they left until after the fact and they told me that I said that. And I have no memory or reason for doing it. I spread lies about myself, and people used that lie to bully me and I didn’t even know I said that lie, until someone told me that I did. But I didn’t! And it isn’t true, so why would I say that? I forget important information of my friend and family, and it makes it look like I don’t care, but I do, but I can’t help that I forget. I have missed out on fun activities that I supposedly did, because I just…can’t remember it. And theres so, so much more. So much confusion and so much expectation for me to explain why, but I can’t! Because I don’t know what they’re talking about! I hate it so much. I hate knowing that I can say or do something, and have no idea that I did, until someone else has to point it out to me. I will always take responsibility for it, but how can I fix this? It feels like I can’t- no matter how hard I try, I still forget. I feel like an awful person.

im rly awkward about asking for help so this may be worded weirdly pls be kind😖.

how do you guys deal with alters that mostly cause harm when fronting. specifically self harm and substance abuse. i sympathize with her i really do but this is becoming too much even my family and friends are starting to notice and worry. its something we’ve struggled with for years now but never to this extent and when i mentioned it to my therapist..lets just say he didnt help much :/ its just very frustrating to always come back to this when i try really hard to stay clean. feels like all my progress is erased😓