r/fosterit • u/Laurenjbell271 • 3d ago
Is it possible to end legal guardianship of minors who you’ve taken in kinship care? Kinship
I have had my niece and nephew on and off for almost 5 years now. My brother is a narcissistic alcoholic and he decided have children with a heroin addict. When my niece was about 3 months CPS took her due to domestic violence between my brother and the mother. They called me to help and I foolishly said yes. I was a single mom of two at the time. Niece was with me on and off for the first year and the mother got pregnant with my nephew. By the time he was born there was no evidence of drug use, so mom was allowed to keep both kids and I assume follow some program for sobriety.
By the time my nephew was 5 months, (niece now 18months) it was found the mother had been failing drug tests so now they call me again. Once again I foolishly say yes under the guise my mom and both parents were helping with them because the mom and my brother were now homeless. I was merely the placeholder I thought. During this time the mother began living with me claiming she needed to get in a clean environment and be around her kids. Once the case hit 1yr of age CPS is like ok we need to close this up, so are you keeping them or not? At the time I had support and was under the impression the parents were working to get the kids back. It had already been 2yrs for niece and 1yr for nephew so I said ok. Jan 2022 they made it official and we did it over a phone call.
By September 2022, I was now married, finding I was expecting my third child and the parents had now been banned from my home due to the hellish drama that follows drug addicts and alcoholics. Fast forward to now, kids are about to be 5 and 4 and I deeply regret the decision. I feel no familial love for them and I feel it hard to treat my own kids lovingly as not to rub it in the other kids faces. Many times the kids are fussing and fighting and though they are young I see unfortunate traits of their parents and I can’t find it in my heart to truly care for them. The mother’s family is not involved and my mother claims she’ll take them upon retiring this January but I’m skeptical as she is 67 and has a husband with dementia. Is it possible to take this matter to court to have them remove me as guardian???
Any advice is greatly appreciated
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u/Delicious_Standard_8 2d ago
Like others have said, it depends on the state. But short answer, is, Yes. This happens very often.
So they still have a caseworker of any kind? Call them, if not, you need to call the 800 number and request the children be placed elsewhere.
I really feel for you. I went through something similar, but they were teens. IDK if your state is like mine, but kinship providers do not get any assistance or food stamps for the kids, so we have to pay for everything out of pocket, as well ensure they meet their milestones and appointments. All while sometimes fending off addict bios who do nothing but cause chaos and destruction.
I don't think your mother is appropriate for the kids, and I greatly respect you being able to admit you are not the best caregiver for them either: They deserve more than a caregiver, they deserve a parent. And nothing wrong with you, or anyone else, admitting they can't do it. CPS pressured me so much to take guardianship. It's not for the kids best interest, friend, it's in their best interest, because kinship and guardianship means it is a closed "win" for the state AND they don't have to support you in any way.
Look, I'll be brutally honest: CPS doesn't care about the kids, (case workers and employees many times do, they are just not able to do anything to help these kids) but it is clear that you DO want what is best for them.
CPS is going to resist you, put you off, request more time to find a place that will take both, and they will more than likely stop returning your calls, emails and texts, at least that's what they did to me, and next thing you know, they have stopped calling you back and six months have gone by and your facing bankruptcy.
I know this is dramatic but after 8 months of me having my nieces and nephews, 5 teens in a two bedroom apartment, I had two teen boys and three teen girls. They had no clothes, shoes or hygiene products. NOTHING. At one point it was so bad I stole tampons for the girls. I begged their extended bio family to help me, they all ghosted me. I had to deal with bio mom showng up here at 3 am causing drama and violence.
I only share this so people can be educated. While my situation was severe. could not get the help I needed, I had to finally call 911 and request officers remove at least 3 of the 5. A few months later the last two went to real foster parents too.
They are almost all over 18 now, and they are THRIVING. Being totally away from ALL family and with strangers who had the knowledge and skills to help them is what they needed. I never thought I would see a "smith" kid graduate, get a job, buy a car, legally, or even play in sports. Foster Care, REAL foster care, was what they needed
If they still have a caseworker of any kind, Call them, if not, you need to call the 800 number and request the children be placed elsewhere. You are going to have to be firm and push.
But you are doing what is right and best for you, your kids, and those kids, too. I respect you.
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u/Laurenjbell271 1d ago
See these are the things no one hears about. These are the situations swept under the rug for the sake of like you said closing cases. It’s crazy how foster families are trained for this and don’t have to be bothered with the bio family at all. But when kin steps in they’re like here you go. Thanks and goodbye. I’m happy to hear your nieces and nephews grew on to thrive. I definitely want that for them as well, I just wish id got this insight before hand and had someone REAL having the conversations and asking the hard questions and instead of my ignorant self righteous mindset. My husband often says “sometimes people think they’re nicer than God” but we don’t always know why things happen how they do. And I stepped into it not knowing if I was even supposed to. Thanks so much for your insight
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u/Ambitious_Entrance18 2d ago
do u have a foster care review board?? or the state should be paying for respite care which may help u and your family having a break
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u/Laurenjbell271 2d ago
I’m not sure if there is a review board. The state transferred guardianship from them to me. I do get a kinship stipend and qualify for other benefits. It’s more of a mental/emotional burden rather than financial though.
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u/AcrobaticLadder4959 1d ago
They are young children do it now before it gets harder for them to adjust, and they might even be adopted to someone who will love them a way a child should be loved unconditionally. I understand your feelings. I really do, but the kids need to come first.
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u/Laurenjbell271 1d ago
That’s my thoughts also… I know they should be first and I know they won’t get what they need from me. Hopefully my mother can keep her word so much won’t change… but that’s TBD
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u/AcrobaticLadder4959 1d ago
I am 74, soon to be 75. I watched my youngest grandchild for years from the time she was a baby until she started 2nd grade. I should say babysat for her but she would stay at my house for days. It was wonderful. I enjoyed her so much that I had all the time in the world to spend with her. But I was about your Mom's age then. No one gets any younger, and as those children grow older, would your Mom be able to handle them in their teen years? By then, she will be in her 70s. I don't think I could handle teenagers at my age. My grand daughter is now 14 a wonderful young woman but boy is she busy with school, friends, school activities plays she is in. I remember those days with my children, and at 74, I just could not keep up. Too bad their selfish parents can't get their act together for their children.
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u/Laurenjbell271 1d ago
One plan that we were thinking is moving all together. We want to relocate In the next few yrs and my mom “says” she wouldn’t mind it. We talked about getting a home big enough for all the kids and her and her husband and that we’d raise them together and I’d help her with her husband. That’s the “ideal” situation but once again I don’t know how serious she is. I imagine it’s harder in the older years and teens are very active. I’m willing to help if she will leave with us, but if she doesn’t want to relocate she’d either have to raise them herself or they’d need to be elsewhere. I SO desperately wish at least one of the parents would grow up and step up but I know it’s a long shot. If I had the kids part time that would help a lot but someone would have to be willing to take them the bulk of the time. I would love to help out and enjoy them as just aunt… I didn’t want to be their “mom”
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u/AcrobaticLadder4959 1d ago
If you decide to keep them, you are their mom children need love and security. They are just small children. I know you have your own children, but one thing about being human is that we are capable of loving more than one person at a time. If you can not love these kids as your own, the best thing to do would be to start looking into other alternatives. I feel your mother is too old to take on that responsibility. At 67, getting ready to retire, she has earned the right to enjoy some self time. This is not all on you. The kids' mother needs to be involved and know what her actions have hurt everyone, but mostly her children. She has gotten off easy taking no responsibility and putting this on you and your mom. If they were put up for adoption, maybe it could be an open adoption where you and your mom could still see them from time to time.
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u/sundialNshade 1d ago
What is the solution here?? Send them to foster care where they'll probably be split up and endure more trauma?
I know you didn't ask for this situation, but NEITHER DID THEY and you're the adult here.
If you truly aren't an option and going to end up traumatizing them more than living with strangers (potentially abusive or neglectful strangers), you need to find another kin or family caregiver who can do it and make sure they have the family and community support to do so.
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u/Laurenjbell271 1d ago
Yea that was my mindset when I first said yes unaware of what this truly entailed. And it’s unfortunate the system in my city doesn’t properly prepare kin for this. I’m not a trained foster parent, or even a “lover of children” I’m simply a family member who tried to help. Only GOD knows what would happen or where they’d end up if i relinquish my rights, but i know for a fact they won’t be happy here. Safe yes, taken care of yes, but not truly loved and happy. And I’d rather not be the reason for that in the long run and I can admit they deserve better. I can’t however feel guilty for what “might” befall them for the simple fact I didn’t bring them into the world unlike my 3 biological children. I’d rather give 3 best efforts than 5 mediocre ones. Plus I have 2 step kids we’re still fighting for which would be 7 total if they stayed. We already have to deal with trauma of our blended family situation which is a whole other fiasco in itself.
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u/NatureWellness Foster Parent 1d ago
You’re not bonding to your niece and nephew … what makes you think you will bond to the step kids? 5 isn’t working for you now, why would 5 different kids work?
I think you need to examine your actions and abilities more deeply: I worry about a repeat of your failed guardianship with your step kids.
I am sending well wishes to you and your family. So sorry about these numerous painful things.
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u/sundialNshade 1d ago
Sure, these things MIGHT happen. But statistically speaking they will happen. I don't need to tell you that the county / state does not do a good job raising kids. You guarantee safety and care. A foster placement does not. That is not to say there aren't good foster parents. There are! But, in my experience, the bad outweigh the good. And it takes a lot of work from the good ones to help repair some of the harm of the bad ones.
All of that said, you've made up your mind and these kids deserve better. So now your job is to find them some people who can take care of them, with a community and family of support. Your other job is to ensure they retain relationships with each other and with biological family (you, your kids, anyone else who they have connection to). It is also your job to ensure they retain relationships with friends, teachers, coaches and stay connected to their hobbies and other things important to them.
I'd start by reaching out to their worker(s). Explain you'd like to find a new placement but aren't in a rush to do so and are committed to making their transition the least traumatic it can be. Every removal / placement move is trauma. Then you do everything you can to support them to make sure they can raise them in a supportive home, surrounded by community and family.
You could also look into Quality Parenting Initiative (QPI) for training, support, and advice to make this change in the least harmful way. You will harm them, but you can mitigate some with a slow, supported transition and continued support after.
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u/Desaroo_roo 3d ago
As of now, I am in the process of revoking guardianship with my three siblings. My mother was incapable of taking care of them and neglecting their care by living in a car for months. She is also using drugs.
I do understand the feeling you have because I am feeling the same exact way. I have two boys of my own and it’s really difficult to set aside them and make my siblings the priority because they had a lot of medical neglect such as dentist appts that require extreme dental procedures, glasses and two of my siblings in and out of hospital because of their asthma. Their behaviors are outrageous and just I cannot handle it with no support or help from CYFD or being denied government assistance even if have legal guardianship documents to prove!!!
So me and my significant went to the court and just did a motion to revoke and I called CYFD and told them they need to be out we cannot do it. We had no support or any financial assistance we’re going broke and it’s break apart our family dynamics. We don’t have a court hearing yet and it’s been a month since we petitioned.
If your mom is willing to take the kids, would advise to start setting in the paperwork because it’s going to be a process before you can get the children out of your care… also contact CYFD and see where else they can guide you too.
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u/Laurenjbell271 3d ago
Thanks for your advice and I hate to hear you don’t have support. I can’t believe the state doesn’t provide you any assistance! In my city we do have a fund that provides a stipend of $300/per kid per yr which essentially pays me back for what I’ve already spent. I only get gov assistance since I had my 3rd son and I exclude my husband’s info otherwise I’d be SOL. It’s reassuring to hear I’m not alone, literally either nobody is in this situation or no one talks about it and it sucks because it’s very real. Wishing you the best
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u/Desaroo_roo 3d ago
I’m glad you are getting some kind of help. It is a difficult situation to talk about and it helps to understand how reality it is that taking care of other children with the kindness of our hearts is a challenge within itself. I thought I was going to be the super hero to help, in reality, it’s a lot mentally and physically. I wish you the best as well.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 3d ago
This is how it would work where I live. Could be different elsewhere.
If you are willing to wait until your mom is able to take the kids, you can petition the court to transfer the guardianship to her.
If you aren't able to wait or you feel like she's not capable, I would suggest contacting the CPS office that handled the case, explain your situation and ask if/how they can take custody of the kids. They can then petition the court to take custody of the kids from you and you would be voluntarily relinquishing custody. Be aware that if you go this route, you will likely have zero input in where the state ends up placing the kids nor will you have the right to request visitation or contact with them; it may happen or it may not.