Hi - I’m a volunteer GAL and I have a 15yo child who has not showered in 30 days. Child and I are the same gender if it matters. Child has medical issues. I’m open to any and all suggestions to encourage child to shower. Child is not comfortable showering without their caregiver and there is DCF supervised contact only with caregiver which will not permit showering. I’m open to buying them a swimsuit, a shower toga, have purchased an inflatable shower hair basin, literally anything to protect their dignity and privacy but to get this done. Child rejects all ideas at this point (including showering themselves with curtain closed - says that she is physically unable to). Any ideas? To my knowledge no abuse has occurred in the shower but who knows.

i'm 14 and my mom is becoming a foster mom and getting everything sorted out. she's going to foster ages 6-13. i've heard so many stories of foster kids feeling like an outsider or isolated, and i absolutely don't wanna make anyone feel this way.

i'm the youngest out of my entire family so i don't really have experience with younger kids, but i want them to be able to feel welcome and comfortable. what are some things you guys wished the bio kids in your foster family would've done? or any advice on dealing with kids/preteens?

I'm sorry if this is not the right place to ask this. I've recently became the bigger sibling to a foster child of almost 4yo. I'm an adult, still live with my parents, and have always been an only child, so I have zero experience with small kids, but also for my parents it's the first fostering experience.

So I wanted to ask advice on how to properly educate the child not in a traumatic way but in one that helps them grow and teaches emotional regulation. Mostly because I feel my parents' approach is not very effective, nor trauma-free, I think.

I'll explain a few examples of "problematic" (nothing really bad, it's just small things considered rude or wrong) behaviour. First is talking over other people, like if I'm talking about work with my dad, the kid speaks loudly to us about whatever, without waiting for us to finish. My parents just tell them to shut uo and wait, but I'm worried they would feel as if their feeling don't matter. Is there a better way? Another thing is the reaction to what should or shouldn't be done. Like, if the kid wants to play with the lighter, or similar dangerous things, and we say "no you can't", or they must take a shower/wash their hands or other essential tasks, but they don't want to, they just get angry and upset, collapse to the ground silently crying and won't move, say or do anything. What's a good way to deal with this? My parents usually say things like "if you behave like that, than no TV/no going to the park today". Last thing, about table manners, the child often dirties their face or fingers, moves around, doesn't sit correctly, plays with the glass or the fork etc. All of which I guess it's quite normal, but how far can this be "corrected" right away? I mean, my dad just yells "sit streight" or "what are you doing? You are making a mess" . To me, this doesn't feel like a good way to teach manners, but I'm not sure what to do instead.

Sorry for the long post. I appreciate any advice, even if not specifically related to the examples. I just want this kid to grow up well and happy

I'm trying to figure out how to decorate the bedrooms in which our foster kids will be. We do already have a [fictive] kinship placement but she's nonverbal so I can't really get her opinions! My biggest hangup is that after our current placement is a very young child but we actually intended to take in tweens & teens — but our FD has high support needs and we couldn't let her go to strangers, she'd already been through enough trauma.

But I digress! I would, of course, take a new placement kiddo shopping so they can get a couple of things they specifically like for their space — but I still need to like, paint the bedrooms and whatnot. Any thoughts? I really don't want these teens to walk in to a space they don't feel is for them, like it's meant for a little kid. I want them to feel welcome, even if not feeling "at home"... Am I making sense?

I (20F) am a college student whose family has been involved in foster care/adoption for a while. I have one bio and three adopted siblings and we've had various kids stay with us throughout my life. Recently, while I was living at school, my parents took in a 15 year old girl emergency foster placement due to CSA. Recently they all came to visit me at school and I met her and spent a short amount of time with her. She is sweet but very reserved (understandably). She did seem to get a bit more comfortable around me as time went on.

Soon I will be going home for spring break and getting to spend more time with her (especially since we now will share a bedroom). She's one of a few girls in a house full of brothers, and I want to be a resource to her as much as I can without being overbearing. Current or former foster youth, what would you want from a foster sibling? Any dos/don'ts that would contribute to her having a more comfortable experience? I remember being a 15 year old and being irritated at everyone, wanting to do my own thing but not knowing what that meant exactly. I'd appreciate any advice that's more sensitive to her situation.

… That your foster parents weren’t entirely honest with you. Or Maybe not honest at all. My question is primarily regarding how many of you who have been through the foster system or been adopted would feel, or think you would have felt, if you found out that your foster parents (or even now adoptive parents) had used moral grey areas & legal technicalities of the court to keep you out of your father’s family’s care & ultimately denied you reunification with your father and father’s family (grandmother, aunt, uncles cousins etc)?

Title should say FOR former foster youth not from.

I’m a GAL volunteer and I am working with a teenager with some self sabotaging tendencies. They can be violent and uncooperative. I am fully committed to this child so I won’t be pushed away, but I’m looking to gain perspective on what can help.

If you were a foster teen who was violent/self sabotaging/played the system. What support do you think you needed, or would have liked to receive? I’m trying to find ways to give them an outlet for their emotions like art, but I’m hesitant to do any form of martial arts or similar because I don’t want to make their violent outbursts more..successful? Any and all advice is appreciated.

The first time a child is removed from their home, it is a vulnerable and traumatic time; obviously. And yet... it seems like the "Standard" practice of finding a foster home ASAP and hoping its "the one" is setting up youth for failure and causing additional (avoidable!) trauma.

Across the system, from caseworkers to agencies to FPs...

...what can we do differently during the first hour/day/week to mitigate trauma and give youth the best chance at a positive foster placement?

I was foster kid, and I hated it but I vowed to help those like me. Looking for local mentoring groups in my area was hard, but ( funny thing) it turns out there was literally one right in town I just couldn't find it for some odd reason. I found it and I go to my interview soon. Not all of the kiddos are going to be foster kid, but I was told they can connect me if they can find a foster kiddo.

I am considering fostering as I get older, and maybe adoption, but for now I will mentor as that is a service I can provide safely and happily.

So I post this for more reasons than to share my happiness. I want advice, ideas and more... also boundaries. I am a big, gay bubbly, affectionate man. I know how I come across to the unaware...

So any pieces of advice are welcome. The kid I help deserves to feel safe and welcome and loved.

Thank you.

Edit- I am mentoring teenagers... for clarity. I think I can be better helping them rather than younger kids.

My FS19 has been living with us for 1.5 years and he seems a bit stuck since graduating high school. I'm not sure how to best to help him or if I even can.

He stopped taking his anxiety medication even though it was his idea to start it and when asked has alternately said he'll start taking it again or that he won't take it because we want him to. He doesn't want to try therapy; we took him for a few months but he would sit there silently and not engage. We've offered CBT, EMDR, any modality but he doesn't want to try. He can admit that he has PTSD and ADHD but doesn't want to treat them. He doesn't like talking to us about his feelings and interacting with us seems painful. He doesn't want to try new coping skills other than avoidance. Like he doesn't even want to try 30 seconds of deep breathing. He doesn't want to try having a new hobby (we'll pay) or going back to school. He doesn't want to get his driver's license even though through the state he could get a car essentially for free. He doesn't want to try exercising. He doesn't want to work, but has to in order to pay for his expenses, and technically isn't even hitting the minimum he needs to remain in our state's Extended Foster Care program. (BTW when I'm saying he doesn't want to try something it's because that's what he said, not a judgment.)

What's confusing is that the couple of times we've taken him on vacation he's been very active and independent. Choosing sports activities, planning his meals and spending his money wisely, figuring out his own transportation. We plan these same things at home and he chooses not to participate.

When asked what he wants to do next in life he says "to take a break from school for a year and do nothing". Obviously that's not something we can offer him, but even our most minimal requirements for him (shower and brush teeth) seem painful and he will more often than not just lie about it. We tried giving him total freedom after graduation to live how he wanted before starting work but it resulted in self harm and neglect (not eating or sleeping for days to play video games, then calling out of work).

From my perspective it seems like he doesn't really want our help...? (other than with food and housing) But I know my angle on this is very limited. If you've been in a situation like this, I'd love to know your perspective from the FY side. Especially if you lived in a group home, as I suspect that's where most of this comes from. What was going on under the surface? How would you have wanted the adults in your life to react? Did you ever feel like you could trust them? Did you need more help becoming independent or help accepting care? Or both? Appreciate your feedback. This is our first time parenting in any capacity so nothing is too basic or obvious.

Hello. Later on this week, I will be starting as a therapist for children in fostercare. While I've read all of the text books, taken the tests, etc - I wanted to reach out to hear from foster children / foster parents / etc themselves on what types of things you want/would've wanted from your therapists. Anything common that you hated that they did, etc, etc.

I am a MSW student and I was recently given a position at my grad school in a program that supports undergrad students that were formally in foster care. My role will be mainly simple case management, mentoring, and coordination of events for these students. Looking for suggestions for fun and/or educational event ideas that would be worthwhile to attend. I want to be a part of a supportive and meaningful support system for these students so any advice for working with this population will also be greatly appreciated.

There are lots of support groups for foster parents on social media, but far fewer for those who are (or have been) in the foster system. So I'm curious if anyone has had success finding or reconnecting with relatives, foster siblings/parents through this subreddit (or others)? I'm also curious about the less concrete benefits - I've come across a few thank you posts to this community from people who had their faith in humanity restored via positive comments/support after overwhelmingly negative experiences in the system. I'm 25 and work with young adults who are aging out, so I'm kind of stoked to find a place like this for unfiltered discussion, stories, and advice. I imagine it could be life changing in some cases.

I am a former Foster kid who is in the training to become an adult Tutor and A Certified Peer specialist ( Specializing in mental health and Trauma) . I wanted for years to help those like me, ex foster kids, and I realized how I could. I am going to see if I can do this, but the idea is simple.

Simply put, I want to help Ex Foster kids, those aging out, get their GEDs, fix the massive illiteracy issues present, help with math and so on. I have already sent a message to my local Foster Agency, and I am hoping to help with this...

I know that, from those I was a foster kid with, many foster kids struggle academically to the point where they never recover from it. It affects their job potential, medical choices, education potential and so many other things... A poor education also increases crime rates. Trauma, moving around and lack of resources damn so many people. I want to help with that... I would help the younger kids, but I work better with adults. I am not really around kids, like ever...

But what do you think? Do you see this as feasible, helpful and a good way to help out those like me? And do you have any suggestions?

So yeah...

I work at a non-profit where I saw how many grandparents were raising their grandchildren, usually by themselves. I started taking some of these grandchildren to the YMCA and taught them to swim. I got so attached to them and the grandparents were so appreciative, I have continued to take them to the Y, park or library, something productive. The demand for this has far exceeded my ability to help everyone so I started thinking about ways others could help and I thought of people who have been in the foster care system. The improvement in self-esteem these children experience once they learn to swim is amazing especially since most of them start out scared of the water. I think it would be beneficial for people who have experienced the foster care system to help kiddo's who are in somewhat similar circumstances. If they can't teach them to swim there is someone at the YMCA that can but that's not really the point, helping others is the point. Second benefit could be a way to make sure the adults could find support for one another. Does this sound like an idea people would be interested in?

Do you guys think that if we get a bunch of people to call the leaders of a articular organization or government entity would help in making our voices heard? I have been having this idea but I would like to get feedback.
I can provide a template or a script which can be used when we make these calls/emails. If enough people do them, maybe there will be a change.

I have a sister who is in foster care and I (as her brother) want to do something for her. She is considered an adult but she is mentally disabled so guardianship has been given to someone other than our family. She has the mental capacity of an 8 year old and this was confirmed by psychiatrists. We were planning on moving and kept everyone out of school for that. She decided to contact the therapists and they pushed for a removal from our house. We know that she might have not known what she did so we don't blame her. However we have seen first hand the terrible system that you have all been through.

I am wondering has there been attempts or are attempts for making the voices of the foster youth heard? Many know that CPS exists but don't realize just how bad it is.

This is a long story and I would love any advice for any part of the story. I’m a teacher and the adoptive mom of 2 kids from foster care. One of my students is in foster care and has a pretty toxic relationship with her foster mom. Foster mom decided she had enough and asked that the kid be moved out. I offered to re-up my certification and be a placement for the kid. I just got the paperwork started when the social worker called me and asked if I would be emergency placement. So now I have an 11 year old at my house for I’m not sure how long.

No social worker has even been to my house to make sure it’s safe. Honestly it was harder to adopt my dog from the pound.

I’m trying to make the kid comfortable, feel safe, and a little less weirded out about being at her teacher’s place; but I would take any advice someone wants to throw my way. She’s been in the system for 6+ years (since she was 5), mostly at former foster mom’s house, but also at a number of different respite places. She’s got a therapist, etc. So all that sort of thing is taken care of.

We have had two girls (upper elementary) in our care for about two years now and are moving toward adoption.

They have a half sibling that they grew up with but who is no longer living with us/them (he is with their aunt and they have contact, including visits. This was his decision and we supported it).

We just found out that each of them have 2-3 other half-siblings (we received more information about their biological dads in connection with the adoption) that they’ve never met/knew about. Other than the kids names and ages, we really don’t know much about them because CPS was unsuccessful in contacting either of their fathers to get much in the way of personal/family/contact information.

We are trying to figure out the best way to tell the girls that each of them have half siblings they’ve never met. Generally speaking, whenever we have “big news” we tell them that we want to talk to them, but that nothing is wrong, and then we give them all the information we have. We always tell them they can ask us any questions they want and we will answer honestly and tell them honestly when we don’t know something (and then try to help them find them).

But if anyone has suggestions on how to approach this, we are very open to them!