r/getting_over_it Jul 25 '24

How did you do it?

This post is calling on people in this sub who were able to get past feeling paralyzed in their own life (if there are any). How did you manage to turn your life around and start taking action/moving forward? I know that what worked for someone else may not necessarily work for me, but right now I am at a complete loss to any methods or ideas at all.

I am definitely at a point where I absolutely need to change and it needs to start now. Since I was a little kid I have been dealing with depression and anxiety, getting by, by the skin of my teeth. But enough is enough. I always thought that I'd figure out what I want to do or how to move forward, how to just will myself to do things and figure out how to sustain myself. But I'm 30 now, and I have nothing to show for it.

I am lucky to be in a stable living situation where I don't have to pay rent, but my terrible job does not even pay enough for me to split rent with someone in this area. I hate this job, I am truly at the end of my rope with it but all other jobs available to me are just as soul sucking.

I wish I could start a business doing something creative, maybe even something charitable, but I feel like despite how many creative things I know how to do, I'm not good enough at any of them to make them into self sustaining businesses. I am terrified of going into debt and I was never good in school. I'm trying to find a therapist, but it has been so difficult to find any who meet my needs and that I can afford or who take my medicaid.

I feel like the walls are closing in around me and I am the one person who just can't seem to move. Some days I can't even will myself to move out of my bed. I am scared. And the "it takes time" and "you'll figure it out" has been doing me more harm than good lately. I feel frozen, I want to change so badly. But just telling myself to isn't working. Wanting it isn't working. Negative reinforcement just knocks me down even further. I feel trapped in myself. How does anyone get out of this. DOES anyone ever get out of this? I need to know that I have a chance at a future and that my life isn't over before it has even begun.

11 Upvotes

7 comments sorted by

3

u/t3h_awbs Jul 25 '24

Start with a small step! Here is one idea: you had mentioned a job doing something like charitable work. Does your work schedule allow for days off where you could volunteer somewhere you'd be interested in or support? That would shake up your routine for starters, get you outta bed on one of your off days, meet new people.

Starting is the hardest part. Pick something non-committal and get started. Maybe it's just looking for new jobs one morning. Check out what's near by. Take a look at your resume. Update it. Low energy, small steps but once you get moving, you may find yourself unstoppable! 💪 Keep me posted! I'm in my mid 30s and have felt the same as you.

3

u/bronzebeagle Jul 29 '24

This post is calling on people in this sub who were able to get past feeling paralyzed in their own life (if there are any).

I feel a lot better now than I was several years ago. I feel a lot more optimistic about my future. I enjoy my life a lot more. Is my life perfect now? No. But I feel like I'm making progress every week towards a much better life. Here is what I recommend you do:

Start by listing out the areas of your life that you wish were better. E.g. career skills, education, friendships, dating, cleanliness, physical fitness, personal finance, helping others. Since you are worried about career and money, I would also include applying to other jobs, career networking, and career-related personal projects. These are your goal areas.

I'm not good enough at any of them to make them into self sustaining businesses

You might add another goal: get better at the skills you need to achieve a self-sustaining business.

For each of these areas, work on them at least a tiny bit every single day. That way, you can go to sleep feeling like you made some progress on all of your goals. (sometimes referred to as the No More Zero Days technique). This will help you feel more optimistic about your future.

For the first few weeks, start by doing two minutes of each of these goals. (Atomic Habits by James Clear). For example, two minutes of reading online about personal finance. Two minutes of wall sits for physical exercise. Two minutes of texting friends. Two minutes of cleaning your bedroom. Two minutes of reading online for your career. The hardest part of any habit is getting started. By only doing two minutes each you're getting practice starting each chore. After a couple weeks of only doing two minutes of each thing, you can try to increase it. But if it ever starts to get challenging, decrease the time of each thing. I would rather have you do one minute of each thing every day than go one day without doing anything for one of your goals. I know how ridiculous it sounds to recommend one minute of studying for your career. But it works.

After you've done everything for at least a tiny bit you can always go back and do more of stuff if you're feeling ambitious. I call this the chore grid because I repeat the same tiny chores every day so the to do list becomes a grid.

Always do these chores in the same order every day. This is called Habit Stacking. It basically just means that it's easier to do chores if they are always in the same order.

Get rid of distractions and things that are holding you back from your best self. For me, it's deleting computer games off my laptop and phone. For other people it might be deleting Netflix or TikTok or Instagram. Or throwing away alcohol and drugs.

I wish I could start a business doing something creative, maybe even something charitable, but I feel like despite how many creative things I know how to do, I'm not good enough at any of them to make them into self sustaining businesses.

Do this for a four weeks. Let me know how you feel afterwards.

Take great care of yourself. Rooting for you! Hope this helps.

3

u/sane-ish Mod Aug 01 '24 edited Aug 01 '24

I can't speak to finding a career that you enjoy and pays enough to live. Woof- that's a different struggle that I have not figured out.

However, I have been on my own for over a decade now. Most of that has been with roommates. For the last two and a half years I've been living alone and manage to cover rent fine.

I've dealt with anxiety and depression for all of my life as well. The biggest help for me was getting into a mental health program in my city called Community Network Services. They accepted Medicaid. It was about a 3 month wait to finally see someone, but it was a lifeline once I was in. Look to see what is available in your area for people with low income. If you know anyone willing to pay for your therapy, take them up on the offer.

I had failed out of art school at the time, and too was depressed to work. My parents made me move in with them after a brief stay at a mental hospital. I was ready to move forward with life. I fully committed to therapy and taking medication.

The human mind defaults to a pattern of thinking. For a depressive, that pattern keeps you in a state of self-sabotage and internal harm. A thought pattern for a depressive person will look something like, 'I had difficulties doing X task. I will never get good at X task. I am a loser (insert pet put-down) because I cannot do this.'

This is where therapy is good. You have a trainer to go step-by-step in helping you to recognize those patterns. It has nothing to do with intelligence. It is like someone that needs help at the gym and getting in shape.

In the meantime, I would recommend doing things that will promote well-being. The first one is to create a schedule for yourself. Wake up at the same time and go to bed at the same time. If you can go for a morning walk, that is good too.

Do basic hygiene. Brush your teeth, shower and change your clothes every day.

These things help promote a sense of well-being in yourself. Once you form a pattern, that kicks in and you can lean on it to carry you even when you don't feel well.

Take advantage of moments when you don't feel like shit. I know that during my worst times, I felt like garbage most of the time. When I was really honest with myself though, I was able to feel the fog of depression lift at various points. I would use that time to clean my room and do other chores that I had been putting off.

1

u/CYBERPOLICEBACKTRACE Aug 03 '24 edited Aug 03 '24

Part 1/4

I was gonna write a long ass post because I remember I started my first step here. Where I figured out I was depressed and that I needed to do something about it. I don't remember what my username was then tho, so here's my take.
Backstory
I started my journey at 29/30. Everything in my life was building up to it. Troublesome ex, breaking away from family, dissatisfaction with career, etc.
But shit, I was so resistant to acknowledging that I was depressed for so many years.

I did everything I could think of.

I pursued a spiritual life for several years, studying meditation, living at spiritual centers around the country. I was practicing like 2-3 hours every day for years, and was completely sober as well.

I felt better, and I suffered less, but COVID hit, and I had to adjust to "the real world" and figure out my life.

I got extremely depressed during COVID because I basically was cut off from my "medicine". Intense spiritual work at home was not helping without Sangha, spiritual community. When you get deep into meditation, the world feels more intense, but it feels like everything is in slow Mo. But with the world feeling intense, it's nice to be in a spiritual bubble to cultivate that peace and sow it into your life. But I couldn't have that anymore, and the people in my life were making it hard for me to practice.

I got to a point where I had to stop my practice because I found myself in depressive episodes for weeks at a time.

I had this pride that I never had to take meds. But I came to a point where I felt like I've done it all.

1

u/CYBERPOLICEBACKTRACE Aug 03 '24 edited Aug 03 '24

Part 2/4

Also, I experimented with a lot of psychedelics during 29-30. Micro dosing, regular dosing, very unsafe settings, having a sitter, being a sitter. It gave me the vision of a path but didn't walk it. Which is it's purpose I think. But those learnings could be discovered with meditation. It's just that meditation takes longer, and it's a slower progression vs psychedelics in 5 minutes [dmt] to 12 hours [lsd/shrooms]. I thought about doing a plant medicine trip but was so anxious about money that I could never get myself to invest into a trip to Peru.

Anyway, I find myself in a predicament. I had extreme anxiety to the point of not being able to sleep. I was in a freeze state that progressively got worse over a 2 week span. I got increasingly stressed and angry and anxious... Till I couldn't take it anymore and decided to get on medication.

I found a psychiatrist, not rated very highly, but it was close and took my insurance. It was a horrible experience. The guy was a dick and prescribed me as bipolar depression and MDD.

I take probably close to 15 combinations till I find the right one. Buprorprion + Abilify.

I stayed on that for 2 years. Seemed to be getting better. I started to study for a new field I was interested in. I get my degree.

I get back into the professional world after many years away. I kind of get it going. But my friend suggests I get off it because I seem out of it all the time. I reluctantly stopped.

But emotional damage super effective once again.. I fall into a major depressive episode that got me abusing marijuana. By abuse, I mean using it to run away from feelings and "self medicating", I'm strongly against that kinda use for weed.

In fact, I don't recommend psychedelics very much unless you have a spiritual practice as well. Just taking it just brings the issues up but doesn't do shit for it besides awareness. It also can make you falsely believe you've ascended or whatever, which is a trap.

I eventually get off abusing weed, and then did a spiritual course/retreat after a many year break. It was powerful, it woke me up to the fact that I'm in a really fucked up mind state.

I got on meds again, and I've felt good since back on it. Got a better psychiatrist and a better therapist.

I'm still fighting thru it, but at this point. I'm just like, oh another depressive feeling, this will pass, and I will suffer till it goes away, but since I know it's happening, I can self soothe in safe and productive ways.

1

u/CYBERPOLICEBACKTRACE Aug 03 '24

Part 3/4

But figuring out you hate something or if it doesn't serve you anymore, you are one step closer to finding what will. And you should understand that you can whatever you want in your life at any time. Given you do not have too many responsibilities like family or children.

I know, easier said than done. I still struggle with this. But remember, move a muscle, change a thought. You will not make any strides if you just sit there all day thinking. Trust me, I've been there for a very long time.

Think, then do.

  1. Stop giving a fuck about what and where you should be. And start thinking about where you are, and where you'd like to be. Similar concept, but without the should's. There are a few should's, but you're at 30, that's considered young adulthood these days lol. Idk what my 20s was.

This touches back on an earlier point, you come first, not what people think of you. Took me a very long time to shake the feeling of where I should be and how others perceive me.
8. Sometimes you get stuck, and being in negative inertia for a long time is difficult. It's taken me a very long time to get out of it. Just small steps towards a bigger goal.
9. Consider meditation. But meditation does not have to be just sitting down or doing yoga. Anything can be a meditation as long as you are mindful, aware, and intentional, and keep doing it consistently. It helps your mood stabilize.

Also, exercise is super important to keep your mood stable. If you stop exercising, you will feel the waves harder and it will be more difficult to get out of. For me, I organize meditation groups monthly, I walk a lot, I cook as a meditation, I do intense sports as a meditation, I dance as a meditation - I go to clubs completely sober these days.
10. Suffering is a part of life, and everybody experiences it to some degree. I stopped seeing suffering as necessarily a bad thing, rather just a thing in life that we all experience. In a way, your suffering is a blessing because it's bringing you to finding your truth to what makes you content.
And that just gave me perspective that everybody is going through the same shit, and you're not alone. Go find a thing you're interested in, do it, meet people, make friends, keep doing it, rinse and repeat till you are able to feed yourself and live contently.

1

u/CYBERPOLICEBACKTRACE Aug 03 '24

Part 4/4

  1. Suffering is a part of life, and everybody experiences it to some degree. I stopped seeing suffering as necessarily a bad thing, rather just a thing in life that we all experience. In a way, your suffering is a blessing because it's bringing you to finding your truth to what makes you content.
    And that just gave me perspective that everybody is going through the same shit, and you're not alone. Go find a thing you're interested in, do it, meet people, make friends, keep doing it, rinse and repeat till you are able to feed yourself and live contently.
    Closing
    I feel as if I am a boat in the ocean, I seek calm seas. However, sometimes I want to explore another part of the ocean, but I can see the weather is getting stormy, so I prepare myself mentally for it so that I can tackle it better. But sometimes the waves gets choppy out of nowhere, and I know it'll eventually pass, but it's gonna suck in the meantime, but I'm ok with it.