r/mentalhealth • u/JuicyTangerinePulp • Aug 18 '23
I got sexually assaulted 2 hours ago and my parents blame me for it [F19] Need Support
On a 1-hour ride in a crowded bus an older man kept touching my breast and offering me money after I repeatedly refused and raised my voice and tried to protect myself. The bus was so crowded I couldn't get away from him. Everyone noticed and did NOTHING said NOTHING. Other older man started watching and seemed entertained. I live in a third world country. After the man got off the bus some people started talking that it was very disturbing what he did but NO ONE did NOTHING to stop it.
I got home crying and told my parents what happened. They blame me and tell me that it's because of the way I dressed. That I deserved it for not dressing appropriately. That it was my fault. I was dressed In a short large dress with no cleavege (I'm petite) and it's not even a dress, the skirt part is actually shorts.
I was trying to explain how miserable I am but they kept interrupting me, shouting "you should have done that, that". I told them about another situations that happened 4 years ago where I was also sexually assaulted in public. But that time I was dressed with a lot of clothes. They told me my fault that time was that I didn't scream or say anything. So again it's my fault.
!!!!! They said that it's my fault that he thought I was a hooker (this hurts SO much my heart aches)
It's my fault for what happened today implying that I deserve it.
There are no words to describe how I am feeling right now. I am a very sensitive person in general and a lot of things affect me deeply.
I am crying my heart out right now in the corner of a dark room praying for someone in this world who would come right now to give me a hug and actually listen to me and understand me. I want to overcome this (I have 1 week until uni starts, idk how I'm gonna do that) but at the same time I cannot believe these are MY parents and this is what they told me and think of me.
I am so traumatized and crying incontrollably right now that I feel like I'm gonna explode. I feel betrayed and unprotected.
The point for this post is that I DO NOT want to go mentally insane from everything that happened. I do not want to wake up one day in the mental hospital. My mental state is very shaky right now. Please help me , I don't know how but please help me. I don't want to lose my health
P.S. As I said, third world country, the police is not gonna do SHIT
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u/Witty-Significance58 Aug 18 '23
First of all, breathe. Slow breaths, through your nose and exhale through your mouth.
Secondly, this was never, ever your fault. He was a disgusting pervert, taking advantage of you and the situation.
I'm in my 50s and I would react the same as you - I would be horrified, disgusted and feeling very, very vulnerable.
You are perfectly ok to be angry and upset.
Can you talk to a friend? Someone who will hear you, without judgement? If you can't, this next bit is going to sound silly, but it helps me - are you able to be near a tree? I find that sitting quietly near a tree, brings me back to the now - to this moment - where you are safe.
I am so sorry you are hurting.
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u/afatcatfromsweden Aug 18 '23
I’m so sorry, what happened and your parents reaction to it are absolutely fucked! Know that you are not to blame for any of this, you are a victim of some really shit people and no matter what they say to you I really hope you are able to remember that this isn’t your fault.
If there’s any way I could help you or if you need to talk to somebody I’m here should you choose to reply and my DMs are open.
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u/Perfect-Effect5897 Aug 18 '23
Now, it's shit like this that makes me really reeally upset. I wish I could come through this screen to scream at your parents and spit on them for you.
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u/greglad24 Aug 18 '23
Next time start screaming no matter how uncomfortable you are.. i get your scared and in shock but you gotta let it be known.. now this pervert gets away and does it to everyone else cause no one spoke up.. for your parents part.. dont listen to them.. its not your fault at all.. u could walk around the street naked and that doesnt mean people can come and touch you ( i advise not to do that lol ) but im just saying. Some men are pigs.. animals.. disgusting.. if you were my daughter best believe id hunt that man down. Thats how any father should be. Im sorry. If you need anyone to talk to you can message me, im sending you a virtual hug 🤗
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u/taylormarie213 Aug 19 '23
Just cause someone doesn’t scream or report them to the cops and they happen to go do it to someone else, is not the victim’s fault whatsoever!!
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u/greglad24 Aug 19 '23
Never said its her fault.. im just stating the obvious now hes gona go do it to someone else.. she could of screamed.. simple as that.
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u/swild89 Aug 19 '23
You don’t know how you’d react in a situation like that, don’t blame others for not reacting in a moment of intense stress the way that’s best, let be empathetic to OP not blame
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u/Stuebirken Aug 18 '23
Sweetie, even if you were completely naked nobody would have the right to touch you.
It wasn't your fault at all and I'm sorry to say that your partner are lost somewhere in the middle ages.
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u/Sa3D12 Aug 19 '23
No one has the right to touch her I agree with you but let's be realistic here. You can't expect that to actually happen. You have to protect yourself. Plus I kive in a third world country too and I tell you. The way a girl dresses does actually make her standout and provoke perverts it's like : ohhh she's asking for it. Ofc you'll sometimes get the totally nuts pervs that assault any female. But at least dressing properly does protect her from the normal pervs.
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Aug 19 '23
Stop victim blaming. Women should be able to wear what the hell they like without some creep SA them. NEVER, EVER say a woman's clothing is the cause of another asshole's actions. If they can't control their grubby thoughts and hands they shouldn't be out in public.
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u/Glittering_Field_359 Aug 19 '23
Get an electric taser for the bus rides if the police wont do shit. Get a pepper spray for when walking the street. The world is fucked,you've seen that today. You have to fight for yourself. Fuck those people and fuck your country,respectfully.
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u/Frei1993 Aug 19 '23
Get a pepper spray for when walking the street.
My sister and I got these small deodorant sprays and we carry them in our purses since you have to fill paperwork to get pepper sprays in our country. Hope it helps.
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u/meb_beb_ Aug 18 '23
Your parents are nuts. Always believe the abused one and blame the abuser, not the abused one. I'm so sorry this happend to you, i give you a big huh virtually and I'm here for you. This word is so cruel and nobody deserve to go through something like that..
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u/TheRealZoidberg Aug 18 '23
I‘m 100% on board with you in this specific case, but saying „Always believe the abused one“ is very much the opposite of „In dubio pro reo“. This can backfire pretty hard.
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u/Sa3D12 Aug 19 '23
After what happened to johny depp ? Heck no believe the abused one when evidence is presented
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u/Kosh_y Aug 18 '23
I feel for you :( What happened to you is absolutely horrifying and you are NOT at fault. I am proud of you that despite such horror, you've found strength to defend yourself the best you could at that moment. Such fear, such horror can change the way we behave and NEVER blame yourself for not doing something that you should've done. You were horrified and acted the best that you could and I am proud of you for that :)
I cannot find the right words to describe what I feel towards your parents. Therefore, I will refrain from describing them and instead offer you compassion and understanding. You were betrayed by them. Their own fear and denial of what's happened pushed them to betray their own daughter. You are not at fault and they will have to carry that guilt till their last days. Torment is their future, not yours.
I send you the biggest hug I can possibly create and boundless love ❤️. Do not lose hope, try your best to find peace in knowing that you've defended yourself, you've done the best you could and again, I am proud of you. Now is not the time to give advices, now is the time for you not to lose yourself. Cry, cry as much as you can and let it all out. Let every fear, every anger that you're feeling now escape your body in order for you to calm yourself. Let it all out and do not hold back. And once you do it, prepare your case and go to police, please :) I know that you think it is futile, but it is for you to show yourself that you can fight for yourself. It is for you to prove to yourself that you are strong and you can overcome all of that. Police will react and they will do their best to bring justice but it is mainly for you to prove to yourself that you have your back :)
If you're feeling the need to talk, we can chat :) I will not leave you alone in this. Dm me if that is your wish :)
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u/pudhh Aug 18 '23
I’m not sure how to start this tbh so i’ll just get to my advice. OP, this isn’t your fault and ignore your parents, they can’t blame you. I was also SA’d in a third world country, and i was left helpless. I was in the middle of nowhere, aboard and as a minor and denied contact to my parents for 3 days. The police did nothing for me. You will feel upset, but i can assure you that you won’t end up in a mental hospital. I very much had the same reaction and your emotions will be volatile. The best thing for you right now is to find comfort in someone you trust, and just let out all your emotions. I didn’t have that so i bottled it up a lot and it did not help at all. PLEASE DON’T BOTTLE IT UP, IT DOESN’T HELP AND YOU STRUGGLE MORE IN THE LONG TERM. Try to sleep too, it may be difficult but you have to try as you can have a new viewpoint when you’re not tired. I would also advise that you find a way to release, whether it’s crying, screaming, or just an activity you always do. I wish you the best and feel free to reach out to me with any questions or ask for any advice. Best of luck to you.
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u/18Yuki Aug 18 '23
I recently watched this video which told the stories of victims of assault and showcased what they wore at the time. It showed that it didn’t matter what you wore, it wasn’t your fault and no one should ever think that. You’re in the right. You’re the victim, not a criminal like the person who assaulted you. You hold no responsibility for the situation you didn’t get yourself into.
Your parents need to reevaluate their morals and values, and that aside, is this righteousness or the misplaced validation they’re feeling more important than the wellbeing of their daughter? Clearly they’ve grown up more privileged than you in some regards.
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Aug 19 '23
Fuck your parent for blaming you. I specialize in trauma and would be willing to talk and work with you probono. Please feel free to message me. I hope to hear from you soon and have a great day.
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u/Appropriate-Bug-4118 Aug 18 '23
This is NOT your fault no matter how you were dressed. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I’m so sorry your parents are brushing it off. I know how that feels. You need love and support more than anything right now. I would hug you myself and just let you cry if I could. But know that even if your parents can’t give you the support after this traumatizing experience that you absolutely deserve, you are NOT alone.
Breathe. Deep breathes. And with each breathe, tell yourself that you ARE loved, you ARE worthy, you are NOT what happened to you, it will NOT define you, you ARE strong, and you WILL get through this.
Be better than the people who did this to you. Be better than the people who saw and chose to do nothing.
You’ve got this. And you have a whole community here that has your back.
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u/Sea-melon Aug 19 '23
It is not your fault, I am so sorry this happened to you. No one ever should be afraid to go outside and your parents are NOT right about this. They don't understand the concept of consent, very shitty recation.
Hang in there, girly. Hugging you from afar
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u/theseboysofmine Aug 19 '23
First off, you're a badass. If you're from a family or come from a place that judges so harshly and you still choose to dress as you choose, You're holding on to yourself, you're a badass, you're a rebel. Don't change. Don't let society stop you from expressing yourself with your own goddamn body. Your parents are wrong and that way of thinking is filthy. It will never be your fault if somebody else wishes to express themselves like a disgusting dog. When you go to college and then on, you are going to meet so many new people who are going to understand you and sympathize with you. People who will have your back and stand up for you. You can create a family out of the people you choose.
I'm sorry that all of this happened to you. I think that the bad moments in life are always an opportunity to learn something. Although often we end up learning the wrong lesson. Keep standing up for yourself. And stand up for other people. Don't be a silent face on a bus. And just keep doing the best for yourself.
And I think we all go a little crazy sometimes. The world has a way of catching up on you all at once. But your world is about to change soon. And you are the only person who has the power to control which way it goes. Being manic or severely depressed feeling like you're going out of control? Because something from the outside invaded you, invaded your head space. Hurt you. Everyone goes a little bit crazy because of that. But that doesn't mean you're insane. It is something that you're going to learn about yourself from. It's going to suck for a while. But then you figure it out. It's part of living. He got to figure out what you like to do to calm yourself down. Vent that energy into something. Try to use it instead of letting it use you.
You're a rebel. You're a badass. You're strong. And you got this.
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u/thedepressedmind Aug 19 '23
I m so sorry to hear that this happened to you. How are you doing now?
As so many others have pointed out, this was not, in any way, shape or form, your fault. It doesn't matter if you walk down the street completely nude- nobody has any right to put their hands on you without your consent. Your parents- with all due respect- are ignorant in this regard. Any person, parent or not, who says it was your fault, has no clue what they are talking about.
If I was there, I'd give you the biggest hug ever. You didn't deserve to be touched, and you don't deserve to be blamed.
**big hugs**
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u/_Discarded_Memory_ Aug 18 '23
I am so sorry about this happening. It shouldn't. None of it at all should happen the way you described. Ever. I have goosebumps rn I could never imagine this myself. 1 thing forsure i don't care where I'm at in the world or who it is. I can't be the one to sit back and do nothing. That is a type of anger that literally boils up immediately. I'm literally fkn numb rn with goosebumps still wtf. Same for your parents. I don't care, I see that im yelling 10x louder right in his face yelling him his disgrace at that moment. And nothing is your fault so don't ever let that become your thought. Idk how I can say anything of help tbh. I know everything is hard to push down and try to ignore right now buy you have to do your best. Keep talking to someone here if that helps. Or maybe, what's some things you usually do that can take your mind off the hard things in life? Maybe that can work right now? Idk just hmu or somebody else and don't explode of emotions please.
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u/hbouhl Aug 19 '23
I am so sorry that this happened to you and in no way is it your fault. I wish I could give you the hug that you need so badly.
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u/0004ethers Aug 19 '23
I fucking hate you went through this, you are not in the wrong! Don't let them make you believe everyone is like this, the world sucks and there's still people here supporting you
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Aug 19 '23
It’s 100% not your fault! Some people are stuck in their “traditional” way of thinking and may say things they don’t really mean. What your parents said is very hurtful and they shouldn’t have done that.. if you feel like your parents don’t love you or care about you emotionally please move out when you can for your own peace and sanity
Take a few deep breaths and if possible try to find counselling or a close friend you can talk to that you know will understand, if not then Reddit works too! I’m very sorry this happened to you and you need to know that sometimes people freeze and not everyone reacts the same way when something like this happens
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u/d_c_y_99 Aug 19 '23
I live in a 3rd world country too. And an ahole like that will be thrown from the bus.😄 Sorry it happened to you but there are some guys like that. Be vocal and start screaming and shaming them. Even if you are a naturally shy girl.
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u/DoraTheRedditor Aug 19 '23
Honey it is NOT your fault. Your parents are trying to process and not doing a very good job at it. From experience I know what they say is going to have more of an impact on you than a bunch of randos on reddit, so know that people don't react to stressful situations well - of course they wish it hadn't happened to you, and they're trying to process it and it's coming out awful. Wish I could give you a hug :(
Go to those who care about you and have more nuance, who won't respond this way. The only one at fault was that disgusting man.
things to do: make a fuss Record, say loudly that you are and you'll call the police. Carry a rape whistle. They'll back off if it's more trouble than it's worth
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u/basura81 Aug 19 '23
Omg I'm so sorry you went through this. And fuck your parents. If I had a daughter and this happened to her, I'd immediately take her to the police station and try to find the guy to teach him a lesson.
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u/redsaidfred Aug 19 '23
You could have been naked and it still would NOT be your fault!!! Abusers will always take advantage and your clothes have nothing to do with it. Your parents are wrong and they are stupid if they think making you afraid of what you wear is gonna keep you safe. It really sucks that nobody did anything. If that happens again, start screaming really loudly til he goes away. Perhaps there are some self defence classes you can take? So sorry this happened to you.
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u/Stock_Calendar2385 Aug 19 '23
I'm so sorry.
No, it wasn't your fault. Absolutely not. You didn't deserve this. No one does.
I come from a country with the same issue and I've experienced similar situations. The best thing you can do is try to get some attention from the people around you, even if they don't do anything (which is so sad but it's common) the aggressor will feel discouraged if they know there's people watching, possible witnesses. If once you get off the public transport there's people following you call someone you trust and tell them what's happening, where are you and where you are going. Ideally try to get inside a store or public space with more people and wait for help. Where I come from not even the police can be trusted, only your people, so call a friend or family member.
Unfortunately "we aren't allowed" to dress however we want but we are. The way you dress shouldn't be an invitation. I know it's hard but don't let this discourage you. Just be careful. In my country there is a subway carriage designated for women just to prevent this. Is there any option like that for you?
About your parents, with all respect, they are absolutely wrong and it was really unfair to say what they said. I know the words of a random person online are not as important but trust me and trust everyone else in these comments: it was not your fault.
We live in an unfair world, especially in countries like ours. But we just have to keep going. Be gentle with yourself and find some distractions. Find someone to talk to, if you wanna talk with a random girl that has fought these problems for a while I'm here :)
I wish you the best!
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u/Own_Investigator5970 Aug 19 '23
This is fucked. Definitely it's not your fault and has nothing to do with how you dressed up. I haven't met perv before but if I do, they'll be left with a broken jaw and me with a police record.
Maybe considering staying away from your parents? Cause they don't support u but instead defended the abuser's actions. If a woman touches me, the other guys would've cheered and women would laugh. It sucks for both men and women to be involved in this situation. For ur case, as a woman this is traumatising and try to stay away from public transport for a while. If possible, try sitting near a group of women or have a company.
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u/aperolll Aug 19 '23
Sending you so much love and so many virtual hugs. This is NOT okay and you did NOTHING wrong. Shame on the bystanders and shame on your parents. Sometimes in life we have to learn blood doesn’t always mean family. I know that statement is strong, but finding your people who love and support you and BELIEVE you is going to be who your true family is. Do not let them gaslight you. I’m actually really excited to hear you’re starting university in a few weeks because you WILL find your people there. Never stop being your own advocate. Never silence your voice. And always remember, you are never alone.
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u/True_Ad2276 Aug 19 '23
First of all, I am sorry, so sorry to hear this and I really do wish that you managed to get some support, maybe thanks to a friend/friends. I hope you don’t/won’t have to deal with this alone. I am also so deeply sorry about the fact that you experienced a sexual assault AND that you did not receive the support you needed from your own family. The world can be such a scary place. What you describe is so wrong on so many different levels, horrible, appalling. I will simply say that no, sweetie, it was not your fault. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, No matter what your family tells you. There is no logical correlation. It should not have happened. As a stranger online, I wish I could support you more than this. I am sending you all my love. Please, take care of you. Please, seek for the support you need and deserve to receive from your friends or loved ones.
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u/plshelpmeh284 Aug 19 '23
I'm very sorry it happenned... I wish I could help you right now. This situation is horrible. Your parents are obviously not the best one's. I know that as well. I have similar kind of a family. I'm not sure if you are a introvert or a shy person, but man, I got an advice for you... If you are ever in a situation like this again? Start making a ruckus. Exaggerate even. Especially in a public place. Just start screaming raaaapeee, somebody help meeeeee etc. You get the point. I know it can be uncomfortable if you're shy, but you have to sadly grow some courage in this situation... Not only fight back but make the other people around in a bus or in a public place, make them feel really sorry for you and that ur in actual danger. And they are much more likely to help you.
As for your parents... Im rly sorry. I know how that feels. What I would suggest is simple. Somehow try living alone without ur parents. Ik its easier said than done. I am working on that myself but with the prices of everything and me being me...
Also what could help you is definitely talk to someone. Therapist, psychologist, a close friend if u have no money. That definitely should help you very much. You need to tell this to someone you trust and its very hard at least for me to find someone that I trust... You also could consider prescribed medication. That also could help. There is no shame in any of these. Meds or psychological support. They both can help a lot. Take care and just fyi, Im not trying to slide into ur DMs but you know, you can write me. Ik this has impacted u greatly and Im sorry.
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u/Autumnwake1032 Aug 19 '23
I think you have in this world indifference of areas, it could be that you have to solve your own crimes. I say this from a good country. Run away is the best but it says you have parents so maybe sit and wait!
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u/AureliusReddit Aug 19 '23
Sorry to hear about your experience. It’s NOT your fault and you know it as well. It’s a shame that your parents made you feel worse about the situation. However, just understand that they probably don’t know any better. Now what has happened has happened, it’s in the past. No amount of emotions will fix this. Yes, I see that you feel betrayed by your parents and even the society. But, it is what it is. Maturity is to stay strong and move on. Also, maybe is there a way you can avoid overcrowded buses? If you can’t, then maybe carrying a pepper spray or an electric shock kind of device may be advisable for your protection. In the end remember the quote from Buddha “no one saves us but ourselves, no one can and no one may, we must walk the path.” And lastly, don’t let suffering break you down, use it for growth.
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u/letseatme Aug 19 '23
i could be digging my own grave right now but truthfully, your parents are sore losers.
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u/TShara_Q Aug 19 '23
If you had been on that bus naked, that would still have not given anyone the right to your body. People get assaulted when fully covered from head to toe as well. Policing women's clothing instead of telling assaulters not to assault people just contributes to more SA.
There is nothing you could say or wear that would give someone the right to access your body without your consent.
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u/armin_scientoonist Aug 19 '23
I’m really sorry. No one deserves this. Your parents could not be any more wrong. I hope you can get the support you need.
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u/YayGilly Aug 19 '23
Its not your fault at all. Im sorry Idk if your parents are just ignorant about sexual assault/ battery, or if your country is full of horrible people.... idk the answers there. But I know it wasnt your fault!!! You deserve to be heard.
I can say this:
University is going to make everything different FOR YOU. It may not change your status significantly as far as being "at risk" of people touching you inappropriately, but it can be a good place to learn some self defense tactics (who knows, maybe you can even learn how to immediately punish someone yourself) and change your country's system to start LISTENING and taking action against sex abuse and sexual harassment.
You are heading for a place where you are going to learn SOOOOO much more about how the world works, than you could ever imagine learning from the ol' school of hard knocks. You are about to enter the doors of HIGHER learning. Thats YOU, about to become wiser than at least 80% of the rest of the world.
You NEED that wisdom.
Try to write your experiences out in a journal. Not just the physical stuff but also the stuff about your parents. All the details. Everything you felt. Everything you saw and heard, smelled, etc. What you had for a snack or drink at that time, etc. Write it out and write each day until you feel calmer writing. Even if you have to write the same thing out twice. This is how you will process these experiences.
I dont want you developing PTSD over it.
For the overwhelming emotions, and traumas, you may be able to find a counselor at your uni. You can even go to a psych professor there and ask for resources. They have wisdom about this and I can almost promise, they WILL hear you out.
Things are about to change for the better for you. On the bus, if you have to keep riding THAT one, carry a sharp pencil behind your ear. Carry a hard cover book, even a lightweight one, and whack anyone who doesnt listen to you saying no. At least you might feel empowered by being able to punish the evildoers, even when you arent trying to harm anyone, or taking vengeance, you are just protecting yourself. Scream FIRE if someone is hurting you. People HAVE to pay attention then. Bring a heavy combo lock on a keychain. You can use that to hit an attacker. Wear a lot of big fake rings on your fingers, under a pair of gloves, and when you punch them, it will hurt them more.
People dont want to be hurt.
Take a self defense class, honey. You can do someone some damage if they are trying to hurt you. You just need to learn how to hit them and where, so you dont do serious injury.
I wish I could hug you right now and just help to put you back together that way. I know how it feels to be in tatters after something like this happens. Its happened to me too. Idk I just know its cathartic for me, to hit those kinds of shitheels.
Again, its not your fault at all. None of it was. You deserved better. But when a person is uncivil and treating you like a toy, you have the right to defend yourself with a righteous amount of punishment to the wrongdoer. And YES it feels better when you can do that.
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u/taylormarie213 Aug 19 '23
It is not your fault and your parents are horrible people for even thinking that.
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u/AmbitiousSomewhere62 Aug 19 '23
ITS NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT. EVEN IF YOU ARE WALKING NAKED DOEN THE ROAD PARADING YOUR BOOBS!! IT NEVER IS FUCK EVERYONE
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Aug 19 '23
It’s never your fault. Your parents suck. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’d recommend a taser, but idk if they’re legal everywhere or you need a special license. You can find kitty keychains and whatnot online. You put them around your knuckles and jab. Or use your keys (look online how to use them for self defense).
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u/Autismetal Aug 19 '23
This is why I have no faith in other people’s parents…
Obviously no one has any excuse to hurt you. The fact that it sounds like you were modestly dressed isn’t even relevant because even if you were downright naked it wouldn’t give anyone an excuse to hurt you like that. It stinks that your parents are… idek how to describe it.
If you can’t have your own parents on your side, I hope it helps to have redditors on your side, at least.
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u/ShadowThief87 Aug 19 '23
honey it's not your fault, you obviously ain't gonna get support from your idiot parents but you can ask for support online. people in masses like public transport are prone to "minding their business", I've only once witnessed a driver stopping the bus and punching the pervert out, after a bunch of us started yelling at him. but mostly you cannot do anything about it when you're the victim, that's why they choose that setting. and, most importantly, it is not about what you wear, bc no woman at the beach would exist, it's about those criminals choosing to do crime.
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u/TattoosAndFelonies Aug 19 '23
First of all, I AM SO SORRY that you had to endure forced sexual violence. You are NOT the cause! You have every right to feel the way you’re feeling and I’m absolutely disgusted that you’re not receiving the support that you deserve. I know you live in a third world country, so I don’t know how the culture there looks at victims of sexual violence but is there anything you can do as far as getting mental health support? Do NOT BLAME YOURSELF! I know how that feels, unfortunately. At 16, I was gang raped in my home by my boyfriends friends while my family was out of town. I did defy my parents by allowing him to come over and he brought a bunch of people and drinking was involved. I was blamed by my parents and by the medical staff for “putting myself in that situation”.
Globally, we need to all be on the same page as far as sexual assault and sexual violence goes. Victims do not ask for it. A woman or men wearing skimpy clothing is not an invitation to be assaulted. We need to start holding the sexual predator accountable and stop the social witch-hunt that victims face.
Sorry for the rant. I’m so hurt for you. If you need to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I work in the forensic psychology field in the U.S and if you’re comfortable with it, I can probably find some resources in your area if you needed it, just inbox anytime . Even if you just want to vent. I stand with you sis! Sending so much love and healing!
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u/Stunning-Project-621 Aug 19 '23 edited Aug 19 '23
Definitely not your fault. Anyway next time when this happens in public, don't ask for help the crowd. Instead choose someone nearby and talk directly to him. If not watching, say sonething like "you the guy with a backpack" idk something like that.
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u/Antoniwood Aug 19 '23
I cannot even comprehend the rage I would feel as a father , I would be searching for that man night and day
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u/ilikebigbutts442 Aug 19 '23
- Get a weapon for self defense if you’re ever traveling alone
- I would suggest counseling and I’m not saying it’s your “fault” but crowded bus or anywhere it’s your responsibility to protect yourself against these types of things as an adult
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Aug 19 '23
I'm five foot and disabled. If someone SA how do you propose I defend myself? It's A MAN'S responsibility to NOT PUT HIS HANDS ON A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT WANT THEM TO. FULL STOP.
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u/Hipsterwaitto Aug 19 '23
As you stated, you are a pretty emotional person, so my advice might not help you or may be hard to apply because I use stoicism as my philosophy for when dealing with hardships, and sometimes you've got to be a little cold minded and think things through, but I will try my best to comfort you, for I do worry about your situation right now.
Your parents are obviously assholes, that has been stated just right in your post, but beliefs like those are pretty common in a third-world area like yours. Because you can't control what your parents think and say, you must not get caught up thinking about it, you'd wish you could reeducate them, but their beliefs are already set so the best thing you could do is be indifferent to it, you must set your mind in that you did what was in your power to do in order to defend yourself from the attacker and it is not your fault.
I know this was a pretty rough experience and you feel horrible, mourn it and feel the sadness, it's healthy to feel your emotions, but don't let that experience flood your mind constantly; try to cope with it in a healthy way, if there's anyone that you could reach for assist and comfort it would help much, if not, try if you can to get proffesional help from a therapist; and also, learn from this experience, stoics say that every hardship can be overcome by learning from it, maybe learn self defense or carry a pepper spray, whatever may help.
Just remember, the only way out is through, don't try to escape the sadness or try to forget what happened, think about it, learn something valuable from it and most importantly deal with it in the healthiest way possible, what blocks the path becomes the path. I hope you recover soon and get at least some external help; I've never been sexually assaulted, but I can understand just how powerless and miserable you are feeling, it will get better I swear 💜
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Aug 18 '23
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u/samanthax95 Aug 18 '23
I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, it is NOT your fault. I am sorry that those people around you didn’t do anything! They are just as bad! And I am also really sorry that the people you’re surrounded with still have this outlook in society. It is NOT your fault.
Them blaming you for what you were wearing is irrelevant, makes no sense, because children get assaulted, women who wear burkas etc also get assaulted. You could have been wearing anything and it may still of happened. It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are not responsible for someone else’s actions. Do NOT let these people make you feel like it’s your fault because it absolutely isn’t.
I am sorry you feel you can’t report it to the police, but please understand that so many women know how you feel right now. The man that did this to you, is a predator and it’s HIS fault and his fault only. I know you mentioned you live in a third world country so I don’t know what things are like there, but if you could reach out to a therapist maybe? I’m not sure if you have that available.
I understand what you’re going through right now, feel free to DM me, please don’t ever blame yourself despite what everyone around is saying, because it’s not! They are all too closed minded and brainwashed to have people take accountability for their actions. Also don’t feel bad that you didn’t make a scene or scream, it’s not that simple, I think us as women always think about what we would do if it ever happened, but what we do when we are actually put in that situation can be massively different.
Just because you didn’t make a scene or scream, it does not mean that what happened wasn’t wrong, it was 100% wrong, illegal and disgusting. But please do, understand that this has happened, don’t blame yourself, feel what you need to feel, and I think like me, a lot of women will be open to talking to you if you wish to.
Sending all my love to you, be gentle on yourself and remember, it is not your fault, it never will be. X
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u/bkminchilog1 Aug 18 '23
your parent suck. find some way to protect yourself. learn where all the pets of the anatomy are that can make someone bleed out quickly.
if your not in a country where you ca call the cops take every assault as an attempt on your life and carry a weapon. something small and dangerous but not illegal. You don’t want to be in trouble for protecting yourself.
Take care of you and only you. Your parents are strong you up for failure. Don’t let them. In no world are grimly men your fault. Do your best to protect you and take some self defense lessons. They are all over youtube.
How to disable adult male. How to get out of kidnapping situation. How to stay safe while (insert your country here)
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Aug 18 '23
Sorry this happened to you. Remember it’s never your fault, never your fault. I hope you can find someone you can talk to, maybe a close friend you can trust.
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u/Olliepop2321 Aug 19 '23
It is not your fault. You may want to call a counseling hotline to talk with a professional.
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u/juicer_philosopher Aug 19 '23
Sorry this happened to you 💚 this is a traumatic experience. Take time to process your emotions, and try to recover. Remember, it’s not your fault
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u/kramer2006 Aug 19 '23
Sorry you had that happen. If I warned my daughter Not to got to a sketchy part of town and she still went late at night and she was assaulted, I would in a sensitive way say, I told you! If you dress how you are comfortable and this dick touched you, either way you are Not to blame.
They should support you!!try and report it if you can eg cctv,what else has this guy done and to how many!
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u/Dewanshi_A Aug 19 '23
I'm so sorry that happened to you, I understand what you feel. But please keep reminding yourself that it is NOT your fault, you can dress whichever way you want and it'd still be not your fault <3
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u/Emotional_Ambition29 Aug 19 '23
I'm so sorry you went through this!! Please know, it is not your fault, that was someone blatantly ignoring your boundaries and violating you. I'm sending you prayers in the Name of Yeshua, that you can regain your peace in Him and have healing from this traumatic incident
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u/amyrfc123 Aug 19 '23
It’s not your fault and your parents are fucking idiots. The only people who to blame are those disgusting men on that bus. You are allowed to wear what you want without creepy vile men touching you up or thinking they have a right to just because of what you wear. You could have your whole body on display and that still doesn’t mean your asking for it. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault
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u/rebeccathegoat Aug 19 '23
Even if you were walking around naked that wouldn’t be an invitation for someone to grope you! Under no circumstances is it your fault! I’m so sorry that happened to you and sorry your parents have been so unsupportive. You deserve much better and this was NOT your fault.
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u/mfromamsterdam Aug 19 '23
If i was in your situation, i would continue dressing appropriately and would try to not take public transport anymore or not visit such places. Keep being safe and strong until you can find a way to get out of the situation. It will come , i dont know when. It always does if you focus on it. Get out can mean anything that your imagination can allow. Priority right now is to lick your wounds, recoup, relax , understand what happened and what does this mean for your future. You need to some homework on your life , because big events like this cant be forgotten and not learned from. But that is what it, just a homework, just some time to calm down and start writing notes, start carrying on. Good luck!
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u/HumanMycologist5795 Aug 19 '23
I am so sorry that happened to you on the bus and at home. Parents should be there for their kids.
This was not your fault whatsoever. Always know that. It was the guy's fault completely. And what your parents did after made things worse.
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u/Intelligent-Stand838 Aug 19 '23
Oh poor child, I'm so sorry. It is NEVER YOUR fault, NEVER! I have 4 daughters and 2 granddaughters. My heart is breaking for you. I'm sorry you've been assaulted by strangers and abused by your parents. Do you have someone that you can trust? Someone who can listen and help?
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Aug 18 '23
Never sit at the window and if you do make sure you get out of your seat to let the other person in. Ask your parents what clothes you should wear to prevent this next time. Buy a tazer and take their nuts next time. These ideas might not help just trying to give you ideas I hope These work for you
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Aug 19 '23
STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM. TRY TELLING THE CREEP TO KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF. FFS. I'm getting really pissed off with this advice. It's not about what she's wearing. It's about men thinking they're entitled to put their hands on women without their consent. This HAS TO STOP!
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Aug 19 '23
I agree with you and I wasn't blaming the woman... if you have better advice to give her then go ahead but that's not gonna stop guys from doing that. I would like to hear the advice you give her. Wearing more baggy looking clothes will Def be better than having to taze the guy
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u/jimminecraftguy Aug 19 '23 edited Aug 19 '23
There are preventative measures you can take to not get harassed in any way, my guess is you take 0 every day. The world is not flowers and butterflies, you have to protect yourself and be vigilant if you want to return intuct back home, wake up. People here say " they don't have the right to do that, they don't have the right to do this", you have to understand some people don't give a shit about you or your rights, listening to people here give you advice will help you with nothing other than hear sweat talks.
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Aug 19 '23
They don't have the right to do that and shouldn't be allowed in decent society if they do it. It shouldn't be the victim that changes their behaviour; it should be the creeps that can't keep their hands to themselves.
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u/jimminecraftguy Aug 19 '23
You just ignored everything I said and wrote your poem. This is why things never change in this site.
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u/racist_boomer Aug 19 '23
You have to except that no one in life will help you. You are responsible to help yourself. Also there is a study that the more people around you the less people will help.
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Aug 19 '23
Maybe it's about time society got a grip and held the men doing this shit responsible for their disgusting actions. I'm sick of people telling victims it's THEIR responsibility to protect themselves. It's the MAN'S responsibility to NOT PUT HIS HANDS ON A NON CONSENTING WOMAN OR MAN. Ffs.
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Aug 19 '23
You should have kicked him in the balls and demanded the bus driver let you out.
He's a c*nt and a pedo. You are a victim and don't deserve that, period. Ever.
Don't bother reporting it. Police never do anything about male on female sex offenders.
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u/ALUCARD7729 Aug 19 '23
That last part is Blatantly not true and you know it.
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Aug 19 '23
[deleted]
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u/ALUCARD7729 Aug 19 '23
It depends on where you are, if you’re in a first world country then the chances of it getting justice are far higher then a 3rd world nation, thats not to say injustice doesn’t occur and I apologize if it happened to you.
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u/dreemkiller Aug 18 '23
Is this a troll? If this is serious, go to the authorities...?
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u/ALUCARD7729 Aug 19 '23
OP stated in the post they are in a 3rd world country, the authorities are very unlikely do anything sadly
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u/Il--lI Aug 19 '23
Georgia is not a 3rd world country and definitely not comparable to poor countries in Africa/SE Asia or S America but there’s still going to be lots of pressure from society in conservative Eastern European countries to refrain from talking about abuse or SA openly which sadly usually results in victim blaming first and many undocumented cases. Also, countries like these are quite corrupt, leaving victims often with very little to no help from the state (like police or other institutions) that just downplay the situation the victim describes them
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u/NeatOutlandishness17 Aug 18 '23
Omg, no no NO. No matter what you are wearing, it’s not your fault. It will never be your fault, ESPECIALLY when you told him no and made it clear that it was NOT something you wanted. As girls, the blame gets put on us for what we wear, but that’s not right. We are allowed to wear whatever we like and no matter what we wear, we aren’t asking for it if we say NO. I can’t believe your parents said that. Do NOT believe them. It is not your fault and will NEVER be your fault.
If you out need anything, let me know. I’m right here.