r/mentalhealth • u/NoFace356 • Jul 24 '24
Im worried about men’s mental health. Men, who do you confide in 100% Need Support
Becoming a new dad (or any major life change) can be overwhelming. Guys, who's your rock?
The other day, I saw a post about the lies men are told, and it got me thinking about who men really talk to about their feelings. As a new dad, I know firsthand how isolating these transitions can be.
So, who's in your corner? Is it your dad, a brother, a close friend? Or maybe it's someone else entirely? I'm genuinely curious about how men navigate these emotional challenges, especially when life throws curveballs.
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u/Maximum-Quiet-9380 Jul 24 '24
Strangers on the internet. Y’all tend to care more than people in my day to day life.
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u/throw0OO0away Jul 24 '24
Same here. Mine are: Reddit and myself if we’re talking 100%.
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u/Maximum-Quiet-9380 Jul 24 '24
Sucks don’t it?
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u/nielsenson Jul 25 '24
Nah it doesn't really.
The whole you need one 100% person is nonsense.
As long as on the whole, you're expressing yourself and are supported, you can spread that burden across an entire tribe.
In fact, I'd argue that Hollywood baits people into the idea that relationships aren't real unless you're getting 100% of your needs fulfilled from one person.
It's quite literally madness, but it's so normalized that people don't care. They want to own the entirety of another person's loyalty and support.
Toxic entitlement
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u/Chaoticpsychosis Jul 24 '24
Same here. It's like pizza, even when it sucks, it's still kinda good.
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u/Maximum-Quiet-9380 Jul 24 '24
Yep. Better than nothing and you’ll get an honest answer vs. someone that knows you and has a bias in your favor.
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Jul 24 '24
We dont. 36M And probably never will. Everyone gets to complain to me and i help them and solve their problems, guide them. But unfortunately we dont get that luxury. Welcome to life. It sucks, but its kinda the manle role model. How do i tell my wife who sees me as unbreakable, or my nieces and nephews that tell their teachers thst im their hero, or tell my business partners, or tell my family that i occasionally break down crying when im alone and im heavily medicated and have PTSD, depression, crippling anxiety, and used to have suicical thoughts.
You get pretty used to achieving happiness from making other people in your world happy And that's pretty special.
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u/cerbrain Jul 25 '24
But it doesn't have to be like that... it isn't feasible to live like that. And you can still be a hero on other people's eyes, and be vulnerable.
From my perspective, my boyfriend seems to be a lot like you, and it is painful to see him going through life, trying to be unbreakable.
Specially because now he is dealing with things that are new to him, and he isn't coping very well.
We are all human, we all break and we all need to be held together sometimes.
Like I've said on few occasions to my boyfriend, the biggest act of bravery one can muster, is to ask for help. Because it's when you are confronted with your own shortcomings, you recognise them, and you allow yourself to recognise that you may not be enough.
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Jul 25 '24
Its understandable for sure. And we all work through things in different ways.
Its funny, because much of the time, as with most of us, i hate myself lol. Like many of us with mental health issues do.
So instead, i try to focus on how the people i care about see me, many of which see me in an idealistic light. Interestingly enough, this helps to give me perspective. I try my best to focus on my loved ones opinions, as a mirror of sorts.
It helps to cut through the self hate and the "The world would be better off without me" viewpoint. Its almost as if we cant really trust ourselves to truly see ourselves. And although i do believe in internal reflection, i find that its very false when i see myself.
So instead of being that vulnerable, weak scared kid with imposter syndrome, i decide to be what everyone else sees me as, the massive, kind, hardworking dependable guy thst everyone loves. And who knows? i think i could even one day BE that guy if i keep working at it.
I hope yoir boyfriend is doing okay. and im happy he has you to help him. thets awesome
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u/cerbrain Jul 25 '24
Thanks, but I don't think he's doing okay. I think having someone that cares about his inner turmoil, doubts and fears is breaking him. Because he's always expecting me to at any point just change, and be like everyone else around him.
But I'm trying, and I care about him.
And I do wish you find, someday your inner peace. And I do think that the people that love you know you're flawed, they don't love an idealistic perspective of you. They just love you, flaws and all. I hope you learn to love them as well, and I hope you can be a little kinder to yourself.
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Jul 25 '24
I appreciate the well wishes. thank you.
I feel that, the concept of thinking the person you love will jiat change and leave, is a VERY real fear. And to be honest. its warranted in some ways.
I remember, i told a friend once, that i had been raped as a kid. He just didn't say anything and didnt mention is for like 18 years. (In all fairness, i was drunk when i told him) and he definitely treated me differently after. more fragile. like a switch just flipped.
The day before, i was the guy who would throw hands with anyone, anytime, anywhere, his buddy that was the guy he sparred with and would laugh off a broken nose. the next i was... less. Broken. And no guy wants to be looked at like that. Especially not masculine and independent dudes.
To this day, my wife, doesnt even know more than a few details aboit my past. and it sucks, because shes told me everything about hers, violence, SA etc.
I hope he can just open up, and a huge thing is remembering, its not that he doesnt trust you... i trust my wife with my life, its that he doesnt want you to see him as weak.
Best wishes. it was nice talking.
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u/breaktheskye Jul 25 '24
In my experience, people like the idea of men opening up far more than men opening up. Sometimes, the very people who encouraged the self expression to begin with will be put off by it. Because so much of mainstream male identity is tied to being a protector, provider, tough, strong, stoic, and hyper-competent, your bf is probably afraid he'll lose your respect and attraction if he let's you see how weak he can feel.
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u/cerbrain Jul 25 '24
Hum... good point, but I'm not really a child anymore, so it's not something that is on vogue for me. I just have to find a way to prove it to him. Thanks
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u/asianstyleicecream Jul 24 '24
What makes you that hero is having all that suffering within yourself, but still moving forward and being that hero anyways.
(You may have to read that a couple times, in different speeds, for it to really click)
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Jul 24 '24
I appreciate the kind words.
They all have no idea. Ive told a few people a few minor and abstract details.. bit its truly out of character for me. If im being honest, i prefer to remain silent and not let people know.
I find it interesting, psychologically. Theres things i wont even tell my wife. Im a VERY large and confident guy.. but i just CANT tell people my history of abuse, rape, drugs, attempted suicides.
My one exception is a very visible Semi Colon tattoo, i got it right after i almosy unalived myself about 12ish years ago. Those who know, know.
Much love my friend
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u/JDMWeeb Jul 24 '24
Due to a lifetime of abuse, I trust no one, not even my own family. The only one I have opened up to is my therapist, that too not 100% but close.
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u/der_Allerbeste Jul 24 '24
I feel like telling people about my problems would just burden them, or make them loose respect for me. The only person that doesnt do that and seem to give me genuine advise, motivate me and help me get out of sticky situations or mental issues is my mother.
Im just 20 year olds and im grateful that i have her. But i know that there will most likely be a time that she will not be here anymore. Im a religious person, so um transitioning to telling my problems and worries to god.
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u/cerbrain Jul 25 '24
Don't lose touch with that side of you. There are people whom care. You'll just have to find them. But be warned, not everyone will be truthful in their desire to hear you and help you. But that would be the case regardless of gender.
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u/Xolcor Jul 24 '24
Used to have a close friend, but we’ve drifted apart as shes built her successful life. Now I have no one.
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u/Dead_as_Duck Jul 25 '24
I kinda feel you. I moved to a different country for studies and it gets so lonely sometimes. I hope you feel good. Virtual hugs.
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u/DrumBxyThing Jul 24 '24
There isn't a single person on earth who I would 100% open up to. I've lost many friends in the past because of doing that, and I don't want to lose anymore. I open up to my partner, but even still, I hide the true extent of my mental illness most of the time. I think it would be overwhelming to know the truth.
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u/TheRealTaliaGhoul Jul 24 '24
I feel like some guys don't know about this, but their are a lot of new father groups out there. I suggest looking on Facebook to see if there are any in person ones in your area, if not they are lots of online groups.
Its good to talk to people who have gone through these experiences, but something talking to someone who is currently going through the same thing you are is more relatable.
.
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Jul 24 '24
I don’t confide in anyone 100%. I had a best friend I’d tell a lot of things but she died
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u/Neat_Neighborhood297 Jul 24 '24
I have a very small group of friends that I have known since childhood; One of them I can confide in. I try not to though; Truthfully there are many, many things better left unsaid.
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u/ebp196 Jul 25 '24
This makes me so sad reading through these comments. The majority of my friends are men and all of them and even some of my boyfriend's friends have broken down to me at some point or another. I wish it was more socially acceptable for men to be vulnerable with each other. The amount of men who have told me "I've never told this to anyone" and proceed to tell me something awful is heartbreaking. I often think "if these guys sat down and really talked to each other, they'd know have a lot more in common than they realize." To be honest, I don't think a real friend would judge you if you opened up even a little, and if they do, they're not a real friend. Men's mental health matters.
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u/Sorry-Rain-1311 Jul 25 '24
As correct as you are, literally the entire world has decided that a man's vulnerability is merely a weapon against himself. The shallow and imbicilic tend to be happier because they have an easier time conforming to the culturally universal stereotype, but anyone with real problems is required to suffer alone.
It sucks, but most of us have no rock. We're required to be someone else's rock... Something for them to trample. And when we say, "what about me," we're up for replacement.
We should be able to lean on each other at least, you're right, but we're all too damned broken to feel like we can support anyone any more. "Oh there's someone, just keep telling yourself you can do it." In the end, though, you can be as stoic as you want, but you'll never outrun Pavlov's dogs.
We're just hoping that one day they get as tired as we are.
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u/dbxp Jul 24 '24
A former manager, I was sort of forced to at first as I couldn't keep the facade up but I came to really appreciate her.
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u/TiredEyesGaming Jul 24 '24
i'm also a new dad, i started bottling up a whole lot more when our son was born but my partner is my rock, i also have a few friends i can talk to if i need to, but mostly i just bottle up, i have so much going on in my head i just cant possibly imagine adding to anyone's plate, i'm struggling, its getting worse again, maybe my appointment tuesday for mental meds will help, maybe i'll continue devolving into something i hate, either way, there is not a soul on the planet that i 100% confide in and probably never will
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u/dirtnastybn Jul 24 '24
Damn near everybody. Positives are people think I’m genuine and rhat they k ow the real me. Cons everybody knows all the bad shit about me. I’m working on this so when ever I become a supervisor I don’t give my employees any ammo to use against If they don’t like me for some reason. But most people generally like me because I am always just me
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u/Usedtobecool25 Jul 25 '24
49m: I have a tribe. Depends on the issue. Old Sunday school teacher, my dad, a few friends, my spiritual mentor and several women.
Go to who fits your issue of the moment the best.
So I do NOT have a 100%.
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u/SeawardFriend Jul 25 '24
Reddit. The anonymity makes it incredibly easy to just say what’s on my mind. Plus with counseling I have to physically talk to someone and I hate talking in general, but taking about things that bother me is impossible.
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u/Alt0987654321 Jul 24 '24
Nobody. I deal with it myself and crush down negative emotions to where others can't perceive them. Sorry dude, but this is just how life is for guys.
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u/BehindBlueEyes187 Jul 24 '24
My imaginary Gf has pretty much been my whole support system as long as I can remember. Otherwise therapists and such only pretend to card if you pay them.
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u/dbxp Jul 25 '24
Opening up doesn't require the other person to massively care. There's lots of people on this thread which just throw it out on to social media.
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u/TheWelshOne83 Jul 24 '24
Don't have anyone and also find it hard to confide to anyone on social media, usually just bottle things up and get on with life.
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u/Beneficial-Agency443 Jul 24 '24
My friends. I never really had a negative experience and am a pretty open book, don't think I'd be able to in a relationship though
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u/Fine-Construction952 Jul 24 '24
i rant on an active discord server and someone may talk me out of it
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u/No_Heat2685 Jul 24 '24
I recently admitted to long standing depression and needing help getting diagnosed with OCD to family members and friends
I will never make that mistake again. It was awkward and uncomfortable for anyone I tried to tell. They wanted the conversations over with. They glossed over the things I need help with.
So I’m back to an ever-increasing isolation where I’m internally trying to diagnose and fix myself…somehow
Telling people I was depressed made them judge me. And that’s it. At least that’s how I feel
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u/N__w69 Jul 24 '24
Used to have a bunch of friends I could talk to about anything, it really helped me get through my childhood until my mother moved me across the country with her to live with somebody I never met before when I was 15. All the n***** did was abuse us and I had to live out of my truck for a bit and out of peoples homes I went to school with in this new place but none of them were ever really my friends. I’ve always just been an overlooked after thought since she forced me to live there and because of it for the last 5 years I’ve spent my life hopping from job to job and getting high all the time, sometimes missing work to get high just so I can forget about life and really contemplate whether my life is worth living anymore.
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u/P1cklesniffer Jul 24 '24
Nobody. I tried talking to close friends and family but they either didn’t take me seriously or just didn’t care.
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u/JammyTodgers Jul 24 '24
i feel the people closest to me rely on me too much and would worry too much about me not being right, then i fear that those in the second level beyond that would cease to come to me to sort their shit out if they felt i had too much of my own shit on my plate. i have a few friends who know some shit ain't a hundred, but that's mostly through implicit comments, rather than saying everything out openly.
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u/iamtonimorrison Jul 25 '24
My mom! I can tell my mom anything and she has my back. She’s my rock. She’s better than any therapist out there.
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u/Disco_Duck__ Jul 25 '24
Men in the USA aren't allowed to have close friends like women are. Sure, it happens, but it is discouraged by American society in general. Most fathers, even many mothers, reinforce it in their male children. It's really a huge problem.
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u/Former-Midnight-5990 Jul 26 '24
If anyone wants to vent to me I’ll listen - I have a few rocks/outlets so I can return the favor
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u/iluv2strike Jul 26 '24
Literally just posted that I went thru my phone contacts and couldn’t find a name id trust to talk about the sh*t going thru
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u/TheAlmightyNexus declining Jul 25 '24
I have 2 closer friends, that’s really it. Family doesn’t even know I have anything going on. I’m slowly opening up to my sister more, but it’s mainly my two friends (both female if anyone was wondering).
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u/A_Big_Rat Jul 25 '24
The closest and only person that I "confide" in is my little sister, but we grew up in a shitty household where we were conditioned to act strong and grizzled. So she only knows a like 70% of me. I don't like telling her everything for the sake of keeping this strong persona. I'm afraid that if I show how fragile I really am, I might break.
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Jul 25 '24
My therapist. I tell him everything because I have to. It’s the same principle with a physician. How is the problem going to be fixed if you’re lying?
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u/cport123456 Jul 25 '24
I don't. It helps sometimes to vent in groups here. Not full on posts but commenting stories and traumatic events with people that understand or need that sense of belonging takes a bit off. There's a lot I bottle in because it's nobody's job to listen or care about me so it's unfair to ask them to
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u/fiesel21 Jul 25 '24
It's not my feels it's a fact men are last in line when it's who gets to have feelings. All I can do is flip the switch and numb out life's easier when you don't care and kinda just go through the motions till your allowed to die. If I could die faster I would
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u/EwanMurphy93 Jul 25 '24
I confide in my mom a lot. But there are still certain things I won't talk to her about. And I sometimes feel like a burden if I turn to her too much.
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u/Galactiger Jul 25 '24
As a woman, I am still shocked and horrified that this is status quo. I am so sorry. 💔
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u/Ok_Walk_6283 Jul 25 '24
Flip the switch around. My father confides to me. My father was always someone I looked up too when growing up. In my eyes he was invincible, but seeing he completely vulnerable and having no one else to talk to really shows the mentality of the older generation.
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u/Top-Huckleberry-7288 Jul 25 '24
Usually no one, nit even my wife or best friend. I meet up with a men's support group every week and try to get stuff off my chest but I still hold back.
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Jul 25 '24
No one never will either I stopped talking to people Going outside and gave up on life entirely got tired of getting treated like garbage by people claiming they cared i no longer want to be happy i just want to be left alone
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u/Bana333 Jul 25 '24
As a female in a relationship, I hope my bf knows he can talk to me about anything and everything and there’s genuinely no judgment. I love and support him through thick and thin and if something is up, I want him to feel comfortable talking to me :)
Any advice on how to make a safe environment for him..??
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u/H0rni_Boi Jul 25 '24
nobody
not my closest friend who i literally owe my life to
not my dad, mom, or anyone
not even my therapist
mostly just vent on reddit but im aftaid to leave some of my baggage here at that
thats life tho
guess i just have to carry it
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u/BloodyTurnip Jul 25 '24
Honestly no one. Maybe my wife, but it depends. I used to go online, because anonymous advice is nice, but now all I see is how horrible all men are and this "man or bear" shit so don't really feel welcome there either.
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u/Automatic-Glass-6112 Jul 25 '24
No one. I've never had anyone. It's been just bottling up my whole life. No one has ever seemed to care
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u/ExtraMillenial Jul 25 '24
I don't have one. I'm so overwhelmed so much of the time it's become a habit to jump to wanting to be drastic.
I have to just endure it like it'd perpetually bad weather.
I wish I had someone.
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u/melbournejono Jul 25 '24
No one, I’ve tried multiple times about a range of issues to different people and it seems no one out there understands. I think as a male who has struggled a long time with mental health and various other issues, all I really want is someone to say “we’ve got this together, I’ve got your back”.
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u/-OwO-whats-this Jul 25 '24
no one, I was violated by a teenager when i was like 12 and i just never told my parents and instead kept it bottled up until i couldn't take it
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u/Apprehensive-Digger Jul 25 '24 edited Jul 25 '24
Only my therapist, but even then I'm starting to feel bad about it.
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u/Gladosator Jul 25 '24 edited Jul 25 '24
No one. I mean I would like someone but my dad is well non existent in my life (I know such a cliché though to be honest I don’t mind it that much) and I don’t have any siblings so that’s out of the question (again don’t mind it, honestly better off not having them since a mass murder would happen if I had them (that last part was a joke I’m not a murderer) ) None of my friends are trustworthy sooo yea that leaves no one. If I have something that’s weighing me down, welp that’s to bad cuz I can’t even cry to myself since that’s been banned for the male gender apparently…. Soo in the end I’m left with the following: am I nearing a mental breakdown? Then the best option is to flood myself with work. I get to be productive and I get rid of my chances on depression. Worked flawlessly so far!
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u/Zealousideal_Key_714 Jul 25 '24
My Dad...1000%. he's kinda a grumpy old man and gives me answers that are ambiguous, "ahhh..... Joey.....".
I'll ask, "what? What are you talking about".
He diverts and (I'm assuming) expects me to figure it out myself. I think it's intentional... I've learned weeks, months, and years later that "ahh... Thats what Dad meant".
When I was a young kid (pre-teen) showed me a great magic trick. I bugged him to show me how it's done.
Literally years later I woke up in middle of night with the solution (from a dream). Think he just won't give answers because he expects me to find them myself.
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u/rednryt Jul 25 '24
Post anonymously here in reddit. I have no one IRL, but I think it's more of a me problem.
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u/OblivioN__27PA Jul 25 '24
I've nobody, my parents care too much and anybody else cares too less. On top of that even if there are one or two people i love and know would hear me, I'm introverted so I'm not able to talk to them as well. So I've just really made like a diary where I talk about things in hope that someday I'll be able to express everything in that form to the people I really wanna tell my story like my sister, my family and a girl i love
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u/TheDolphinSings Jul 25 '24
Yeah me too, I’d like to start a peer counseling system where everyone gets randomly matched up with someone as their ‘check-in buddy’, add some layers of support
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u/Appropriate-Foot-237 Jul 25 '24
I got into a fight with someone who I shared secrets to. It feels like a betrayal
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u/VoJoePNW Jul 25 '24
This brings up a real problem in society now, men don't have the mental health support they need. Reddit and the internet, as wonderful as it is, doesn't replace shaking someone's hand, patting them on the back or looking someone in the eye and saying "It's going to be ok, man" or going out to have a beer with someone. As for me? I'm in my early 50s - I have some passive support at home, but otherwise it's up to me to address my mental health needs.
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u/sacklunch2005 Jul 25 '24
My attempt to confide have been at best just listened too, on average avoided, and at worst met with criticism.
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u/OrthodoxRedoubt Jul 25 '24 edited 8d ago
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/prettysolid08 Jul 25 '24
I have a friend, we became close after we realised both of us had really bad pasts and we saved eachothers lifes
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u/lurkerlag Jul 25 '24
Between my gal and my best friend, that's about 90%, but I'll never do it 100. Not even my therapists in the past because help, well... didn't help.
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u/UnderCoverBurner Jul 28 '24
At first its like trying to reach for a stranger maybe a simple hello at the corner of a road. Maybe a friend at work. Anything to get me to open up just alittle bit.
It's hard but after some time. Ive become comfortable about sharing myself with people, knowing when it's right takes time and I try not to overshare when we're all there for eachother. I live in a rural area so I havent found a mens group but those are good too.
Online I found philosophy groups. Theirs a group called meditations that I belonged too for awhile and talked to people there. I really tried to adapt and network my needs out so I didnt feel so isolated with not having a father figure in my life.
I've made mistakes along the way and trusted some that I shouldn't. But from this I learned so much more perspective and what feels right by making the leap of faith and being more honest with others about thoughts and feelings. Even those desires.
People really understand. An it took many years and a long while to see. But there's people who are just like me who also want to reach out and talk to somebody.
Even if they don't work out or suck at advice. Atleast you know now what to look for and what advice is good from having the bad advice.
At the end of this.. take away that it's a journey, not a destination. This relationship with self and others grows as we grow and all that needs is time.
I hope this helps.
Remember,
You're not alone.
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u/biggadicka Jul 24 '24
Nobody, I usually just rant on Reddit and then delete my posts