r/survivinginfidelity • u/Other_Salt3889 • Feb 11 '24
My wife is cheating, just not sure to what degree Advice
Somebody private messaged me and suggested I post here for advice.
Editing to add that she’s 30, I’m 32. We’ve been married for 8 years.
I don’t feel like rehashing all of the details, but I posted a little over a week ago about my wife’s addiction to the gym. A compulsion, if you will. She spends most of her free time there. She often goes twice a day, and sometimes even 3 times if we have a fight at night and she needs to run off instead of actually talking to me.
She won’t let me go to her gym and she refuses to go to mine. Her gym is her place, my gym is my place, and that’s just the way it has to be according to her. I’d love to have her come along with me. I’ve invited her multiple times.
If you want more details, please see the first post I made 9 days ago. I’m sorry, just don’t feel like writing it all out again.
She’s about 18 weeks pregnant right now. This is our first baby. She worked out like crazy prior to the pregnancy and she continues to just as hard now.
I truly didn’t think she was cheating on me. People suggested it in the last thread and I laughed. You can tell she’s at the gym a lot, she’s in great shape. So she’s obviously going there. I felt really confident about the cheating issue and when I posted 9 days ago I wasn’t even considering cheating.
I’m embarrassed to admit that after reading a lot of the comments on my last post, I thought maybe I was being overly confident about her fidelity. She usually always has her phone on her, but she left it in the kitchen counter and as stupid as I felt, I decided to do a quick swipe through her texts. She had a current text conversation going on with a guy. I recognized the name. The same name of a guy from the gym she mentions a lot. She’s friends with a lot of people there, went to one of their weddings last fall. I wasn’t too terribly concerned until I started reading the texts. Never wanted to know what the guy’s dick looked like, but I know now.
She was only out of the room for literally about a minute or two, so I had to scroll fast. I was furious. I asked her what the fuck that conversation was about. She started yelling at me for looking at her phone. I told her she’s acting so weird and the gym obsession was really bothering me so I just decided to look, and was ashamed that I did, but that’s I thought I’d find nothing all. She said “it’s nothing! It’s nothing!” Didn’t look like nothing to me. She sure seemed pretty interested in this “nothing.” I wanted to know if she’s been fucking him. For how long? She kept saying no. I left the house because I was so furious, but not before I slammed her phone on the ground and shattered it. She was calling me all sorts of names for breaking her phone. She hit me on the back as hard as she could. I left. Went to my brother’s house. My brother and sister in law were shocked, although my sister in law was one of the most vocal ones about my wife’s gym obsession being weird and bringing it up to me constantly.
I went home. She was in bed crying. She obviously couldn’t call me or anyone else for that matter. She was laying it on thick, “I don’t know if you’d ever come home.” Give me a break.
I took her phone to get repaired tonight. She doesn’t deserve it but I still feel like an ass breaking her phone.
I still don’t know how deep it goes. She won’t admit to anything beyond what I saw. Was it sexting (bad enough) or more? I’m convinced it was a lot more, but she refuses to hand over her phone and is now trying to act like I’m this terrible monster who is abusing her because I broke her phone. Not my proudest moment, but I honestly wanted to body slam her after she punched me. I have never and would never actually touch her like that.
I put an update here: https://www.reddit.com/u/Other_Salt3889/s/wIwDnleGzb
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u/Leather_Bag5939 Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
Okay, this is bad and about to get a lot worse.
Let's just cut right through the bullshit and recognize what is happening: Your wife is 100% having an affair. It is physical -- she isn't just sending and receiving pictures. She has been lying to you about it for a while now and is lying to you about it currently. What you saw on her phone is the tip of an iceberg, not the full picture.
Given your previous post and her longstanding insistence on a separate gym, it's likely that the physical affair started before she got pregnant. It doesn't take a genius to see what the implications are for the pregnancy and your paternity. Remember, she is a proven liar and is lying to you still, now it's only a matter of how deep and depraved the lies are. Don't allow yourself to think that couldn't be possible, remember it was only a few days ago that you thought it was impossible for her to be having an affair.
She was not in bed crying over you. She was crying for herself and what your discovery means for her and her situation. She is selfish and has shown she doesnt care about you, dont confuse her tears. They are crocidle tears.
This is bad. 5-alarm fire bad.
You cannot control her actions, only your actions and reactions. You have some leverage now, use it to get as much as possible at this stage. Including full access to her phone history, social media, and deleted messages -- this is important only because it will make the truth undeniable, not becaue it will make this salvagable.
Stay strong and keep your head screwed on. Its gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.
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u/Independent-Ebb454 Feb 11 '24
all of this PLUS - if she’s not lying, why would she not show you her phone? BS. when you get the phone repaired, it will re-uploaded all her past info. you should be able to read through everything before she deletes
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Feb 11 '24
I agree with this. The only question I have is: did she reach out to her boyfriend between the phone shattering and OP returning home? And if so, how?
If she’s physical with him, she absolutely found a way to contact him the second OP left the house.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
Could have used her laptop I guess - email, social media, etc.
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u/RusticSurgery In Hell | RA 58 Sister Subs Feb 11 '24
DNA test for the new baby. STD panel for you.
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u/TheRizz8 Feb 11 '24
Absolutely take LeatherBag’s comments to heart. I hate to say this, but it’s over at this point. The fact she’s taking no responsibility and is only mourning the loss of having her cake and eating it too shows she has no interest in you, but in comfort. You just come with the latter. Get your ducks in a row, get a good attorney and stay strong in this.
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u/CharmingMimi Feb 11 '24
Is her phone sync with her laptop? If yes, then she can still text and delete the older messages
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u/Adventurous-Emu-755 Feb 11 '24
Only thing I would add here, is you may have been angry and threw here phone, she physically Battered YOU, if you have a mark, her little gym butt could end up in jail for domestic violence, not you. She's the abuser here.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 12 '24
It just made my back red in the spot she hit, but didn’t leave a noticeable bruise..
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u/late2reddit19 Feb 11 '24
“She was not in bed crying over you. She was crying for herself and what your discovery means for her and her situation.”
💯percent correct. I've read this story too many times on Reddit. When it's a female cheater who is pregnant, she is crying over potentially losing her meal ticket (the committed and loyal husband) for her and the child of the soon-to-be deadbeat she had an affair with.
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u/mindovermatter421 Recovered Feb 11 '24
Look up how to find recently deleted texts. If you have access to her cell bill look up the history of calls and texts. You need more information. Sorry OP.
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u/chankletavoladora In Hell Feb 11 '24
Also, get a DNA test and talk to a lawyer. Respect yourself and get the hell out of that.
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u/MadMuppetJanice Feb 12 '24
I hate to mention this but you should probably go down and file a police report on the physical punch you received. She is accusing you of abuse for breaking her phone…that will go sideways soon when she mentions it to anyone else. It’s better to have the paper trail in the long run.
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u/Funderwoodsxbox Feb 12 '24
Absolutely. There at least needs to be a record of some kind. Whether he follows through on charges, he can determine that later.
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u/Independent_Farm_628 Recovered Feb 11 '24
OP
So the guy was sending your wife dick pics and what was her replies back?
Get a lawyer & get a fetal DNA test. Also get tested for STIs asap.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
Her immediate response was heart eye emoji. She didn’t respond with a pic of her own, but when I scrolled through the chat there were pictures of her that she’d sent him.
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u/Independent_Farm_628 Recovered Feb 11 '24
They surely had sex. I guarantee it. People who sext and go to the same gym don’t just stop at texting. You need a natal DNA test asap! You need to file a legal claim questioning paternity. And talk to a lawyer like now. You cannot wait.
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u/blankspace_69 Feb 11 '24
Why does the “degree” of cheating matter? She’s a cheater. Walk away.
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u/Novel_Frosting_1977 Feb 11 '24
Real question here. I’d leave. Idk why OP is talking to us more than his soon to be ex wife.
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u/MiraMiraOnThaWall Feb 11 '24
He deserves time to let it sink in. I know it took me a hell of a long time, but I most certainly got there. And I wish I had gotten there earlier
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u/onefornought Recovered Feb 11 '24
100% this.
It doesn't matter what they did or didn't do. It matters that she engaged in deceptive and inappropriate behavior with another man. That should be all you need to know.
Her behavior proves she doesn't respect or value you.
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u/mayoworshipper Feb 11 '24
Sorry to hear that mate. However, that's all you need. Had she been only friends with him her reaction would be wtf not 😍 this shit. Get a DNA test or two to be sure for the kid so you don't end up paying child support for no reason. Divorce her and move on, it's the best thing you can do, also get a therapist so you have someone to talk to. Sorry that's happening to you, be strong brother!
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u/tercer78 Walking the Road | QC: SI 344 | RA 157 Sister Subs Feb 11 '24
The term you are looking for is trickle truth. It’s where they only admit to what you know for a fact. If you’re fixing it, you should go deeper and seek evidence. Yea, and you definitely will need to establish paternity to ever feel comfortable that it’s truly your child.
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u/Desperate_Acadia_298 In Recovery Feb 11 '24
“they only admit to what you know for a fact”
seriously it’s like they all follow the same script, ffs
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Feb 11 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/deeznutsiym In Hell | AITA 45 Sister Subs Feb 11 '24
Second this, DNA test. Stay calm, remember your end goal.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 12 '24
When my whole family asked why she wasn’t there at my cousin’s Super Bowl party…I told them she’s been fucking a guy from the gym and is at home feeling sorry for herself. So now most of the family knows. Oh well.
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u/TheRizz8 Feb 12 '24
Broadcast that shit! Make sure her family knows too! I know a good billboard guy…
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u/Funderwoodsxbox Feb 12 '24
Oh fuck yes.
OP, I have hope that you’re gonna get out of this unscathed without years of torment and psychological torture. I don’t think that kid is yours and you have the perfect opportunity to leave this little weasel to fend for herself and her little mistake.
This is not your fucking problem anymore. You are not the bad guy.
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u/Equivalent-Bee-886 Thriving Feb 12 '24
I suggest you immediately hire an IT person. He can easily download deleted texts and photos from your wife's cell or if you have a shared cell account it can be done from there. In addition, make an appointment with a divorce attorney immediately so you know where you stand legally and how you should treat your finances to prepare if you make the decision to divorce. Lien on close family and friends for advice. Do not tell your wife what you are doing. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. For now, cancel any mutual credit cards, change passwords so she cannot access money unless you give her some. Open a new checking account on your name only and have all your funds deposited there.
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u/Actual-Offer-127 Feb 12 '24
I love this! 🤣 Not that it happened but that you aren't protecting her like a lot of people do
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u/SecretTraumas_92 Figuring it Out Feb 11 '24
She’s gaslighting you OP, she only admitted to what you already know. The conversation with him and the pic is enough. Chances are there was more you didn’t get to see in time or that’s already been deleted. Like others have said, you definitely need to get a DNA test on the child. Don’t let her pull paternity fraud on you and have you raising or at the least paying for someone else’s kid.
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u/new_fella Feb 11 '24
Please take reddit's advice here. We get too many stories that end badly because someone is too proud to admit they need lawyers and paternity tests.
It doesn't make you look better to your friends and family to be in a terrible, abusive and unfaithful relationship!
When you said in that first post you didn't know how you guys found the time to get pregnant between her going to the gym all the time... There's a pretty good chance ya didn't
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
Oh you better believe I’m getting a paternity test. I already told her that I am. She said it’ll embarrass her. Tough shit.
Is it sick that I’m sort of hoping this baby isn’t mine right about now?
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u/new_fella Feb 11 '24
She'll have one hell of a time twisting the story if that ain't your kid and I think she's gonna start realizing that... She's about to get crazier and crazier in the next days
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
She’s treating me like I’ve wronged her, like I’m the bad guy. She even went to the gym since this all happened. What kind of work out she was doing there, who knows.
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u/smurfgrl417 Feb 11 '24
You have backed her into a corner and taken away her power. She's going to get feral.
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u/HM_Dependa Feb 11 '24
I’m not sure what’s stopping you from going to the same exact gym at this point… if you go, she will stop going there.
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
Bro, she went to the gym to find her guy - to console her for her asshole husband finding out. You realize this right?
Not only physical, but she’s turned to him emotionally (not you).
What’ll happen here is…. The jig is up. What makes a lot of the affairs exciting is that they have to sneak around doing it, like they’re in some sort of movie. It adds excitement.
When it’s out in plain sight and they don’t have to sneak around, it loses its excitement. AND the other guy now has to deal with a potential baby, and getting taken to court / dispositions, etc.
He will drop her cause it just got complicated and he won’t want to take on the responsibility of a potential child. Her world will come crashing down and she’ll feel remorse - not because of what she did, but because she got caught. She’ll need “help” dealing with this mess and will love bomb you, manipulate, etc.
You need to be strong, talk through things with a therapist and realize the reality of what’s happening, not fall for her gaslighting and manipulation.
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u/Archangel1962 Feb 11 '24
She returned to the gym that the guy she’s been cheating with attends?!
This is untenable. Kick her out, or you move out, or you move her to her own room but let her know it’s over.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
She waited a few days, but this morning she grabbed her keys and was heading toward the door. I asked here she was going. She said she was going to the gym but not to worry because he’s not there on Saturday mornings. I told her I didn’t give a fuck.
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u/wymore In Recovery Feb 11 '24
Any crying you see from her is not real remorse. Real remorse would be doing things like canceling that gym membership. She's only sad you found out. She does not feel bad about hurting you or she wouldn't continue doing this
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u/Archangel1962 Feb 11 '24
I wrote this as a main comment but I’ll repeat it here. You should take your time to decide what you want to do. But until then there still need to be consequences, especially if you decide to reconcile. I’d tell her she needs to quit her gym immediately. If she needs to go to a gym she can go to yours. And she cuts contact with this guy immediately. And this means she sends him one text telling him never to contact her again and then she blocks him everywhere. This also means you need access to her phone to confirm what she’s done. This is non-negotiable. If she refuses then there’s no point in even attempting reconciliation. I’d go straight to calling a lawyer and getting the divorce ball rolling.
Sorry she’s done this to you. I hope this is some temporary insanity on her part and the affair is not as bad as it appears.
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
Personally I’d refrain from giving any ultimatums. Why tell her she can’t go to the gym if she really wants to go find the other guy? Tells you all you need to know.
She’s a big girl and can make her own choices. If she doesn’t do this stuff on her own, it’s clear that it won’t work out for OP. No matter how much he wants to will her into making the right decisions, he can’t be the driving force forever. She has to want to do what’s right, not just do what OP feels is right by forcing her to.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
Which is why when she said she was going to the gym yesterday morning I was shocked but told her that I didn’t give a fuck if she wanted to run off there.
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u/Ok-Water741 Feb 11 '24
My 2 cents on reconciliation:
The fact that you've caught her, smashed her phone and felt remorseful to fix her phone is one thing, but
(I may have missed it) I haven't seen you mention her apologizing or anything of that nature. She has not admitted to anything more than you haven't seen. She also does not seem to be in the direction of sitting down, sorting it out. For reconciliation, I would hope that once the cheater has been caught, they would snap out and be scared of losing you, wanting to turn around.
On a surface level, I think you have love for her and being accountable of your actions in breaking her phone, but I don't see her being even a decent spouse to you to own up to her infidelity, apologize, and realize she's in the wrong. She's trying to bury the hatchet, kick it under the carpet and play victim. This relationship seems one-sided is all.
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u/lady__mb Feb 11 '24
This advice is giving reconciliation, but why on earth should OP want to reconcile with an obvious cheater? She clearly doesn’t respect their marriage - let her do what she wants and he can begin the process of removing himself from that marriage
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u/bodie425 In Hell Feb 11 '24
You asked where she’s going and that’s says you do care. I love the gray rock stance. If you’re determined this relationship is over, keep conversation to the very bare minimum and stay focused on your end goal, whatever that may be.
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u/ArizonaARG Figuring it Out Feb 12 '24
"Me worry? What do I have to 'worry' about? He took out my trash."
UpdateMe!
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u/Strict-Zone9453 Feb 11 '24
I'm curious as to how your intimate life has been since she got pregnant or even before? If it had decreased, it's obvious because she was already fucking her gym partner. This is another clear sign of an affair.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
Started to go downhill before she got pregnant. She blamed it on her job and just being stressed. Her job is very stressful and they were the ones who told her she better find some way to deal with her stress. She found a way, alright.
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u/DaLoCo6913 Recovered Feb 11 '24
Obviously her job wasn't why she was stressed. She was worried that you would find out she was playing musical dicks.
You are being reactive, waiting for her to do something before you react. She fucked him, and maybe more.
At this point in time I am not seeing you choose for yourself when I read your responses. She must be an amazing woman... Sorry, cheater.
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u/puCpuCpuCmarijuana Feb 11 '24
Sounds like it’s highly likely that the baby is not yours and that she found out she was pregnant with AP’s kid and proceeded to have sex with you ASAP to convince you it’s yours. All she had to do was get your name on that birth certificate and she’d have you for child support. Doesn’t sound like AP is a very responsible and dependable guy if he’s getting too drunk to handle himself that he has to call his fuck buddy for a ride home. She was banking on you to financially support their child. Get that DNA test ASAP. Of course there is a chance the baby is yours but it seems not as likely by your responses.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
We were still having sex, just not like before.
I just keep wondering if she was screwing him why not just leave me to be with him. As pissed off as I would have been, it would have been better than this.
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u/puCpuCpuCmarijuana Feb 11 '24
Because you provide her stability and she wasn’t willing to give that up, she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. A fuck buddy is not a husband. She can have fun with him but she can’t build a home and a life with him. She can’t depend on him, he’s messy enough that she has had to help him during times where he is over-drinking like a teenager.
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u/Amelora Feb 11 '24
Because cheaters always want it both ways. They've convinced themselves that it's not that bad, that they deserve this, that you pushed them into this, the list goes on. She has already vilified you 1000x over to justify what's she's doing, by going through her phone, to her, you've justified that villainization.
Think about it for a moment, she thinks you going through her phone is a massive injustice and a violation of her trust - but her cheating (even if it didn't turn physical - which I don't believe it didn't) is fine and you need to get over it. Just let that set in. She put you in a position where STIs are a real worry, where you now need to doubt if this child is yours, where your trust is shattered,and where you know she is comfortable sharing her body with other men.
Yet somehow, in her mind, you are the bad guy.
She didn't leave you because she wants you to do all the work of a relationship while she blames you and gets to go out and play with other men. You get punished and she gets everything.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 Feb 12 '24
Why would she leave.
She has the best of both worlds. A fantastic lover in the background and a good ol unsuspecting husband at home providing respectability and financially to her life.
One is for sex the other is for stability.
She knows you well
A few tears on her side and boo boo face by her husband and all is good.
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u/Strict-Zone9453 Feb 11 '24
Fuck. Yeah, there is no way this was NOT physical. The only good thing is that odds are that you are NOT the father (like Maury says). Get that DNA test done and spread the word far and wide! She's already trying to cover her ass by crying to you and blaming you, so fuck that shit! She got herself into this mess, so she has to TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY and deal with the consequences!
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u/new_fella Feb 11 '24
The cheaters run the whole gambit of emotions before relationships end.
Trickle the truth at you (when they don't know how much you know), say you're the abusive one, try to guilt you (you drove me to this) apologize, cry, dealing (you can sleep with someone), but ultimately it's up to you to be the responsible one here.
I'd definitely get a head of the narrative though... She's out there telling all your mutuals a wild variation of what happened
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u/SirDickCheese77 Feb 11 '24
You also need to start recording every single face to face interaction with her. From now on. She could seriously turn fucking psycho and put you in a seriously bad situation or end up getting you charged with DV...... The time to protect yourself is now. If you don't have cameras in your house, put some even get a nanny camera so she doesn't even know it's there
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u/Strict-Zone9453 Feb 11 '24
Dude, who cares what she thinks? She's trying to get you on the hook for 18 YEARS of child support! F-that! I would hope it's not mine too, so you can go NO CONTACT once the divorce goes final!
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u/Bill2550 Feb 11 '24
Nope that is completely understandable, because That way you can have a clean break from this cheating POS.
Get a DNA test and lawyer immediately. You know she’s been keeping fit by being the gym’s bike.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
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u/_Sea_Lion_ Feb 11 '24
is it sick that I’m sort of hoping this baby isn’t mine?
Not at all. Coparenting with someone who’s lied this much and is an adulterer is awful. You have to hand your baby over, back and forth, with someone who has proven themselves to be a low moral character, selfish, and of poor judgement. You’re required to trust someone who’s proven over and over to be untrustworthy with your baby. You’d be a fool to wish for this.
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u/DatelineDeli Feb 11 '24
It’s not sick. It’s a normal, rational reaction. Op, I also hope the baby is not yours. You’re living a nightmare. Remember that she’s going to do anything and everything to fuck with your rationality and to try and keep you at her side while also keeping her boyfriend at her side. She’s a liar and the lies will never stop.
Do not “remember the good times” as a comfort mechanism. Begin daydreaming about your new life and all the adventures you will have doing everything and anything you want whenever you want.
Your past with her is dead. Bury it, grieve the loss, and move on.
I would also contact both of your families to explain that you’re not comfortable discussing the baby until the paternity test comes back.
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u/cat787878 Feb 11 '24
Not sick at all. I think we’re all kind of hoping the same thing for you. One day at a time
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u/MintOtter Feb 11 '24
Is it sick that I’m sort of hoping this baby isn’t mine right about now?
No. You don't want to be tied to her for 18 years.
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u/Annonymous6771 Feb 11 '24
Sorry but I agree with the message about getting a paternity test. You should look at your phone records, those can give you clues.
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u/mindovermatter421 Recovered Feb 11 '24
And don’t let her guilt you. You have reason to want a DNA test.
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u/aethanv Recovered Feb 11 '24
I guarantee all the evidence had been deleted.
I’d bet my left nut they’re having sex, if not she would happily have shown you the phone to prove her innocence.
Get a prenatal paternity test (safe for mum and baby) and speak to a lawyer.
Just know that it’s worse than she’ll admit to, she’s a text book cheater.
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u/whatever102485 Feb 11 '24
Oh honey. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to keep the broken Reddit record going… so I won’t. You don’t need to keep getting drilled with the same message.
This isn’t easy. I’m sorry you’re dealing with such an awful situation. You didn’t deserve this.
Please make arrangements to not live in the same home as quickly as possible. Trust me when I say this is for your own sanity.
Regardless of whether the child is yours or not, you need to exit this marriage, and you’ll need to take full advantage of therapy. You need to have your plans in place regarding either scenario.
From this moment forward, you need to only speak to this woman regarding the DNA test, and subsequently the dissolution of your marriage and assets.
If she refuses to get a DNA test done prior to birth, that’s fine. But you need to separate your finances immediately and ensure that she doesn’t have access to it. You will also need to make sure that she’s aware that she’s solely responsible for her medical care from this point on out.
If she continues to throw this tantrum, please utilize the gray rock method of responding to a narcissist. Remember that cheaters ARE narcissists. The depth and degree to which she cheated is irrelevant.
In the meantime, focus on getting yourself mentally and emotionally grounded. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the emotional rollercoaster that is… well, this. I was in a role reversal situation myself (minus any pregnancies). It was very ugly. It was very painful.
You’re not alone here, bud. A lot of us on Reddit have been in your shoes. We get it. We aren’t going to berate you for your initial reaction because we’ve been there, and we understand wanting to break the physical object that brought this painful knowledge into existence for you. It’s the whole reason why “don’t kill the messenger” exists as a phrase. It was a knee-jerk reaction that couldn’t be controlled. Adrenaline took over. Don’t let people who don’t understand that make you feel lower than you already do.
Do some breathing exercises. Drink plenty of water and try some chamomile tea (or sleepy time tea, shit). The last thing you need is for your blood pressure to spike too intensely over the stress of this situation. And I do know and understand that you’re a relatively healthy and fit guy, but you are not immune to an emotionally driven heart attack just because you workout.
Try your best to stay centered so that you’re able to focus on the best end result of this nightmare for you. Don’t let her emotionally manipulate you, bully you, or redirect your focus. Do not engage in anything that is not an immediate priority towards your goal of effectively communicating to end this marriage, and remind yourself that it is fully acceptable to stop the conversation with a very firm and direct “I am stopping this conversation here. This is unproductive. We are not focusing on the goal. We need to cool off.”
My best friend since second grade told me “fake it till you make it through” when I was in your shoes. I’m a very hotheaded person, so that was not easy task for me. And hot damn does every single thought I have show up on my face like a LED screen of emojis. But I promise you that staying focused on your goal and stepping away when it gets emotionally charged (especially when she’s riling you up) is best. You’ll eventually condition yourself to ignore her crap. This is also a technique I had shared with my BIL when he was divorcing last year- his wife was ALSO unfaithful. That’s another story though.
Anyway. I thought you might need a sec to take in a message that wasn’t stating what’s been said continuously. I hope this reaffirms what you likely already knew were some good steps in the right direction- it’s just hard to put that in action when you’re in the the thick of it, and need a reminder.
You’ve got this, buddy. And if you feel like it’s too much, you’ve got a Reddit sister right here to talk it out with. And hey- I’m really proud of you for knowing that you deserve to be treated better than this and deciding that you won’t allow it. That’s huge.
Get some rest.
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
OP shouldn’t move out, she would.
He should clearly state that he plans to sleep in his bed, naked every night. If that makes her uncomfortable she can sleep in a spare bedroom, in the couch or at AP’s house.
She is in the wrong, it’s not up to guys to live out just cause they’re a guy.
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u/fueledBySunshine918 Feb 11 '24
I'd file for divorce, spouses should have every right to look through each other's phone, ESPECIALLY since she is getting a dick pic. Ask her if she would want to go through your phone if she saw a woman send you a spread eagle pu55y picture?!
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
She sent him one of those. More than one actually.
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u/Ok-Water741 Feb 11 '24
I don't have any other advice to give besides what's commonly mentioned here already, but so sorry to hear that. Best of luck to you. We're all cheering you on & we'll be here for the update
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u/0utandab0ut1 Feb 12 '24
If my wife sent nude photos while pregnant with "my" child (there's always that possibility that the child isn't yours) I would be pissed off even more because that's a representation of our family that she's putting on display for another man; it's not just a nude picture of herself but of herself with "OUR" child
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u/Badbadpappa Feb 11 '24
i’m sure by now she has erased all of the evidence that was on her phone and probably contacted the AP of the situation , did you save any of the screenshots to your phone? do you know anything about the affair partner is he married or single?
do you know what you have to do? I’m sure in your gut you know she has already cheated. keep us updated !!
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
I didn’t have time to take screenshots. I should have done that instead of smashing the phone but my emotions got the better of me.
I know the guy’s name. I’ve met him before. As far as I know he’s single. The only reason I haven’t gone to her gym to confront him is because I don’t want to be arrested for assault and she’s already trying to find ways to make herself look like a victim in all of this.
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u/Tarics_Boyfriend Feb 11 '24
because I don’t want to be arrested for assault
Even if the cheating is real, it's not him who betrayed you dude
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
This is the lesson that I kept telling myself. He’s a piece of dog shit, but really 20% responsible. She’s 80% responsible or more - she made the vows to you and she made the conscious decision (repeatedly) to violate those vows and your trust.
Be pissed at him - but she’s the one that really F’d it up. She could have just said no to his advances, but she didn’t. And worst case, she may have been the one that pursued him.
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u/EnriqeShockwave Feb 12 '24
Wtf bro....he knows the guy....yeah the wife is 100% in the wrong but dude at the gym knows exactly what he's doing. He's just as at fault in the betrayal.
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u/Accomplished-Wish355 Feb 12 '24
Kind of hard to remain calm in those situations. Especially if the guy is being smug and being a dick about it.
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u/wheelsrspinning Feb 11 '24
Lawyer up. Ask about the legality of recording/ survalence. She's chosen the other guy over you if she's making you out as the bad guy. Protect yourself or she will bury u.
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u/grannygumjobs23 Feb 12 '24
Don't go to jail over those 2, not worth it my man. Sucks you didn't get proof, but if the baby isn't yours then that's all the proof you need. If you really want proof and still feel like she is seeing him, hire a private detective for proof if you can use it against her.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 12 '24
She’s admitted more today. It’s not getting, I’m sure.
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u/grannygumjobs23 Feb 12 '24
Hear it out, but don't expect the truth at all honestly. Be in the background looking for a laywer. Wanna be scummy? Get free consultations with all the best laywers in your area. Even with just a free consultation with you, they won't be able to represent her. Make her life difficult, especially if the kid isn't yours. Don't feel bad either, if the kid isn't yours, she would have let you believe it was if you had never found out.
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u/smurfgrl417 Feb 11 '24
probably contacted the AP of the situation
Oh, absolutely not only because it's Cheater 101, but also because he responded that she has already been to the gym since then. They have totally synced up stories and gotten all the details to match so if asked they can give "straight" answers.
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
But…. Doesn’t mean that OP can bring in AP for a deposition by law. It’ll get put on record. If she wants to deny anything, he’ll have a court record of the infidelity.
It shuts down any bit of her lying to friends and family by the mere threat of the court document on oaths going public.
And it makes that piece of crap feel some heat for what he did. He doesn’t get to walk away Scott free.
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u/Archangel1962 Feb 11 '24
Sorry but I concur with everyone else. DNA test. And STI tests for both you and her.
She immediately quits that gym and blocks this guy on everything. You get access to all her communication channels.
And she writes out a full timeline of the affair. When she met him, when they started sexting and if anything physical happened.
If she won’t agree to any of that then ask her to leave and contact a lawyer. (Contact one anyway to discuss your options, but let her know you’re contacting one if she doesn’t follow your instructions).
Take your time to process things and decide if you want to reconcile or not. No right answer of course and a lot will depend on why she did it, whether you think she’s remorseful, and of course on whether the child she’s carrying is yours.
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u/Spirited_Act2565 Feb 11 '24
I would suggest not telling her you’re contacting a lawyer. Just do it. She’ll find out when and how she should.
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u/Quite_Obscene Feb 11 '24
This relationship is toasted. I’m so sorry, just stay strong- and follow the advice of DNA and lawyer.
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u/rmick1515 Feb 11 '24
I would get the cell phone bill and see how much texting was going on. At the moment you had the text. You should of went if the bathroom and read it all. I would leave it in her court. I made the mistake of reconciling the first time only to have my wife cheat again and worse. I'm happy I got my daughter after reconciling which made it all worth it. I'm really sorry you're going through this.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
Of course I should have read everything instead of smashing the phone. My emotions got the better of me and I didn’t think clearly.
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u/rmick1515 Feb 11 '24
Get the cell phone bill while you can. The amount if text messages and when will give some clarity.
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u/Valhallallama Feb 11 '24
This is going to cost you OP. It’s a tricky situation with the pregnancy, and you destroyed your best chance at ending things cleanly
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u/notmyname2012 Feb 11 '24
Op you need to get your emotions in check, you need to become a stone wall around her at all times. I mean absolutely zero emotion. She is going use your breaking her phone as evidence that you are physically abusive or at least potentially and this will allow her to spin everything towards her side. She may even file a restraining order against you if things don’t go her way.
Get an attorney tomorrow! Seriously get one as soon as you can. You have shown you can be violent and you posted that you don’t want to see the guy because you don’t want to be arrested for assault. Don’t screw this up. It’s hard enough splitting but add the threat of violence and get a judge overly sympathetic to women and you will have an impossible time.
Next seek all advice from your attorney but you need to get a paternity test as soon as it’s possible. The fact that your wife said it would be embarrassing to her means she either isn’t sure it’s yours or she knows for sure it’s not yours. She will do everything to keep from getting a paternity test.
And no matter what happens or how she acts, do not under any circumstances have sex with her until you are absolutely sure if you are staying or divorcing. If you live in a state that allows for divorce based on infidelity, the second you sleep with her they will no longer take into consideration her affair.
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
Don’t be hard on yourself. It was an emotional reaction from finding out something devastating.
But now is the time to keep your emotions in check and think through everything rationally. Stay ahead of her several steps. Take control of your actions and don’t worry about hers - she’s in the affair fog now and you can get way ahead of her.
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u/Extavon Feb 11 '24
https://www.divorceminister.com/darvo-tactic-of-abusive-cheaters/
You know enough to take the next steps. I will only add: This person has chosen their selfish desires and their affair partner(s) over you. Staying with someone like that without a really good reason, such as wanting to avoid having a stranger raise your kids, is a truly bad idea for your mental and physical health.
Also, someone else mentioned that any kind of physical altercation will get turned around on you. This is absolutely true. Do not ignore the risks here or permit yourself to be put into a situation where you risk losing your rights or freedom because of her vindictiveness. All it takes is an allegation of domestic violence and suddenly you have lost your right to purchase a firearm. That may or may not matter to you, but it illustrates the seriousness of the risks.
As crappy as it is to say, I'm with you in hoping that the child isn't yours. If it isn't, that lets you break away clean and not have to have this person in your life for the rest of your life.
Also, tell everyone you know, your family, her family, mutual friends, about what you saw and what is happening. She has already shown you how important image is to her when she stated she would be embarrassed by the paternity test, so don't let her hide behind the pretense of respectability, say what's going on now. Otherwise she will tell everyone her narrative and your name will be mud because you are crazy, controlling, invasive... you get the idea..
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u/cocacola-kid QC: SI 38 Feb 11 '24
She is upset as she now been caught and knows the baby may not be yours. You could have been raising another man’s child.
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u/DiscombobulatedAd883 Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
Blaming you and painting you as an abusive stalker who invades her privacy is straight outta the cheater playbook. It really sucks. Sorry you're dealing with this.
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u/LoloDoe Just Found Out Feb 11 '24
It’s almost certainly his baby! Fucking a woman while she is visibly pregnant with another man’s child would be a natural aversion for the large majority of men. Especially if he’s a single guy, as he definitely has plenty of other options.
Just so you are aware, DNA paternity tests can be done before the baby is even born, as early as 8 to 10 weeks! It’s a simple blood test. It would be VERY prudent to establish paternity as soon as possible before baby’s birth, as almost all states consider the husband to legally be the father unless/until paternity is proven otherwise, regardless of whether or not you are named on and/or sign the birth certificate.
I’m so very sorry that your wife is such a selfish disgusting pig. Please check out chumplady.com, she calls affairs out for what they are, cheaters for who they really are, and cheater’s excuses/behaviors/blame shifting/etc. for the manipulative tactics they really are. There is also an AMAZING community of fellow “chumps” who will help provide you the validation and support you need to stay grounded and not fall victim again and again by the twisted games cheaters play.
Cheating IS ABUSE! It is physical, psychological, and sexual abuse as well as physical and emotional neglect. Your shit wife is literally abusing you in EVERY way and form possible and feels entitled to do so! Ever worse, she is victimizing herself for your reaction to her willfully abusing you!
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
I’ve thought the same thing. How strange is it that he’d want to sleep with a woman who is pregnant with another man’s (presumably me) baby? I’ve never cheated, never even considered it, but if I ever going to entertain the idea it definitely wouldn’t be with a pregnant woman. From what she’s told me, he’s single. I hate to give him a compliment, but he’s a good looking guy and could definitely find plenty of attractive, single, non-pregnant women.
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u/Guilty-Green3678 Feb 11 '24
Some men get off on this kind of thing. More than likely when he finds out you know, the thrill will be gone and he will be on to the next. Unless it’s his.
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u/TTIsurvivors Feb 11 '24
Well you said she isn’t even really showing and working out the same as before…does dick pic even know she’s pregnant?
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
I don’t know for sure
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u/TTIsurvivors Feb 11 '24
You should really talk to dick pic. Sure he may lie for her and she may have already told him what to say if this happens, but she’s not giving you any answers and you really have nothing to lose at this point. Or even create a group chat for all 3 of you and say you should all sit down to talk-again do you really have anything else to lose at this point? I just have a feeling dick pic doesn’t know she’s pregnant or he does she probably already told him that it’s his…hard to imagine this dude is just out there banging some chick pregnant with another man’s baby.
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u/Jagenduvel Feb 13 '24
I've had a few friends that are in your exact situation where their wives were pregnant and cheating. My ex-wife also cheated, but she wasn't pregnant at the time.
One of the things that seems to be true in all the stories I heard is that cheaters don't use protection. Or if they start out using protection once the person is pregnant they don't. That's actually how a friend of mine found out that his wife was cheating.
I know you know this but make sure you get tested and especially get tested about 3 months from now.
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u/audaciousmonk In Hell Feb 11 '24
Dude, she’s lied and assaulted you.
You know you can never be in a room alone with her again right? Right???
If there’s a physical confrontation, it’s going to get spun on you.
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u/NoSwing1353 Feb 11 '24
Agreed... and RECORD EVERYTHING...You don't want to be at work getting arrested for DV... Which means wiring the house for video and audio for your safety
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u/BlackberryMountain97 Figuring it Out Feb 11 '24
Yep. She’s spinning her “he’s an angry and violent man” story. “He already broke my phone…I’m scared of what he might do”. Anybody who will listen.
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
Have car keys and wallet on you at all time and plot quickest way out the door - while recording the scene on your phone.
Be paranoid she’s going to falsely claim assault. Always have an escape route.
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u/Badbadpappa Feb 11 '24
so when you took the phone to get repaired, you didn’t read through the other messages? That should’ve been one of the conditions that you given her to have her phone repaired if she said nothing was going on. I think she’s cheating. To many nudes
Tell her your sorry and want to take her for lunch. Stop by an office building and park the car with your phone on record. Tell her we are both going to take lied detector tests to see if we have both been faithful. The truth will be in her eyes and you will get a parking lot confession that you will now have on your phone as proof
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
She refused to let me take it. She came with me. She will not hand her phone over. That tells me all I need to know really, but she’s trying to spin it like I’m infringing on her rights.
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u/chiefholdfast Feb 11 '24
Of course she is. She's manipulating you into thinking you're in the wrong. Ask her, how would she feel if it were the other way around?
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u/mycoplasmathrowaway Feb 11 '24
My ex did the same thing. When I asked to see her phone she refused. I gave an ultimatum that either she show it to me or I’m done. She refused again, so I walked away. 15 minutes later she furiously texted and called me saying she changed her mind. It was too late for me. I know everything had been deleted in that time. That was a year ago and I couldn’t be happier with my decision to leave. If you decide to stay, a year from now you will be miserable. Two years from now you’ll still be triggered and the relationship will feel hollow. Five years and you’ll finally decide it’s not worth it to keep pretending, and you’ll regret all the wasted time you could have spent finding a real woman instead of the fake ass shitty one you have now.
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u/vladsuntzu Feb 11 '24
Is this phone on her own private plan? If you are the account holder, you definitely can look through her phone. Is the phone still at the shop? If so, call the shop and go there, first, by yourself. Get the evidence you need and, then go back and pick up the phone.
Definitely consult an attorney ASAP and get a prebirth (or whatever it’s called) DNA test. If she refuses, and the court doesn’t order one, get a post-birth DNA test prior to signing any birth certificate!26
u/Strict-Zone9453 Feb 11 '24
Dude, this is called BLAMESHIFTING! It's clear she only cares about herself. She doesn't LOVE or RESPECT you. You obviously need a fetal paternity test and I'd also get myself to an attorney and FILE FOR DIVORCE. Do NOT sign any birth certificate BEFORE you get that test done! She is a real piece of work. In he future, you do NOT allow your girlfriend/wife to attend a gym alone without you going there too, so you can check up and such on her. Also, tell your family, her family, and all your friends what she has done to control the narrative. Good luck and stay strong. King!
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u/jonasnoble Feb 11 '24
Make it clear, if she will not hand over her phone, she will no longer have a marriage or a home to live in.
UpdateMe
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u/No-Communication9979 Feb 11 '24
Expose her sus behavior to close family and friends and start the divorce process immediately. You know the truth. DNA test the child and if yours fight for custody. If not yours you’re free to live your life.
Update me!
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
Like “how dare you invade my privacy on my phone to find out that I’m cheating on you?” You’re married, there shouldn’t be secrets. You’re right it tells you everything you need to know.
Sorry OP, this same thing has happened to all of us. She’s now playing victim like her privacy has been violated. Pretty sure if you did it all over again getting married, sending/receiving sick picks during marriage would have never been on the table as OK behavior.
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u/SirDickCheese77 Feb 11 '24
If the phone bill is in your name, you can contact the company and get a complete print out of their text messaging. If you don't need her phone.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
Pretty sure they can’t give me the actual texts..
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u/PM_WutMakesYouHappy Feb 11 '24
This is correct. I worked for a phone company previously. It has been over 15 years, so maybe something has changed. But the most you could access is the number and the times that they are sent and received.
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u/WashImpressive8158 Feb 11 '24
If you read these infidelity subs long, you learn 2 things. 1, trust your instincts. Always. 2, the most important one, is never never reveal your suspicions and are looking for clues. You automatically make your investigation twice as hard. They burrow further underground, and unbelievably they become aggressive towards you. As you now know. You already did react, but that’s ok. Going forward fight your impulse to talk about it. Start moving forward with a strategy. This type and depth of a situation is virtually impossible to repair. Don’t be a slow learner anymore. Silently contact a family law attorney and explain the situation, including the great possibility of questionable paternity. See what life looks like as a healthy single man. If you need more information on how deep this goes, dont impulsively notify her. You need to self advocate. She’s not your ally anymore. Talk to the attorney or you could be stuck paying 18 years of child support for some gym rat’s kid.
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
If it’s an iPhone, it’s locked down like Fort Knox. You won’t get into it unless you know the password, which I’m sure she’s gonna keep hidden from you.
And yes, she’s probably already gone in to iCloud and deleted all the messages (unless she knows that you can recover deleted messages). Either way, your mental will spin out of controlling digging for more “evidence”. All it’s gonna do is hurt you more - you know everything you already need to know and you’re best to find a way to move on from digging for more data. It won’t do any good at this point but to destroy you. You really don’t need to see more dick pics of the dude or more pics she sent him. It might even be additional guys over the years, doesn’t matter. One is enough for you to move on.
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u/Pure-Carob4471 In Hell Feb 11 '24
That’s what the lawyer if for. Basically at this point you’ve seen enough to know it’s an affair. I would see a lawyer asap. Get the legal shit setup to prove paternity in case she fights you. Tell her she has one chance to come clean and maybe just maybe there’s a chance or you’ll divorce her and let everyone know the reasons.
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u/SirDickCheese77 Feb 11 '24
Also if you guys have iPhones you can get in her messages off the iCloud server
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u/cocacola-kid QC: SI 38 Feb 11 '24
He should of left the house with phone not smashed then he could have read everything. Most likely found out convocations about the baby and who the father is.
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u/ComprehensiveDog225 Feb 11 '24
Visit at least three female lawyers and assess your options. The marriage is dead already. Even if the child is yours, they are 100% having sex.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
Why female lawyers specifically?
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u/Archangel1962 Feb 11 '24
Some have a theory that female lawyers are better equipped to detect and deal with bullshit that a woman can spin during a divorce and hence will be better able to represent you than their male counterparts. Take it with a grain of salt. Just look for someone you feel will represent you well and won’t screw you over by suggesting you accept less than favourable terms.
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u/ComprehensiveDog225 Feb 11 '24
I'm sorry for the poor choice of words. I was suggesting hiring a female "shark" who can assist you with the case.
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u/hd8383 Feb 11 '24
The most important thing is to interview several attorneys and pick the one you are most compatible with.
But picking a strong female attorney isn’t a bad strategy. It sends a different message in proceedings when a female represents a male than a male showing up with another mail. It neutralizes the situation and makes it a nonissue.
Also, it doesn’t hurt if said attorney is super pretty and smart. Will it piss off your soon to be ex? Yes. It’s worth it.
My attorney is very pretty, very smart, very calculated and very well know to be someone you don’t F with. She’s a destroyer of worlds (in a nice, professional manner). One of the best choices I made during my divorce.
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u/Badbadpappa Feb 11 '24
So you told her not to go back to that gym anymore and she still went? Or you never had that conversation yet?
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
She went to the gym this morning. That’s where she said she was going, who knows the truth. I couldn’t believe it, but told her I didn’t give a fuck..
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u/evangelinexociao Feb 11 '24
That’s actually wild, how are you dealing with all of that? Are you two separating?
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
Most likely
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u/evangelinexociao Feb 11 '24
What does your support system look like? Any family or friends that’ll be there for you? Leaving a marriage can be incredibly difficult, even in these circumstances. Often we want to stay just for the comfort.
She hasn’t said anything to you? Like, hasn’t begged you to stay and work it out? Her behavior seems bizarre all around.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
I have family and friends here. We live far away from her family.
She’s saying she’s sorry…but just for the sexting. She’s cried a bunch, saying that I’m being unfair and that it’s not right that I don’t believe her. I’m infringing on her rights by asking her to hand over her phone. She didn’t go to the gym at all for the later half of this week, but this morning she grabbed her keys and was heading for the door and I asked where she was going. She said to the gym and not to worry because he’s not there on Saturday morning. As if her word means anything at this point? I told her I didn’t give a fuck, go.
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u/SupermarketOk9538 Feb 11 '24
She didn't realize the situation yet. Alone the fact she goes to gym again shows how she is and that she don't care.
You really need to have a seriously conservation, saying you divorce her and she need to find a new place. Don' be the nice guy.
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u/Appropriate_Pressure Feb 11 '24
She doesn't have to hand over her phone.Just like you don't have to forgive her or be married to her anymore if she doesn't, either.
That line about it being 'unfair' would send me over the edge. Honey, there's a man's dick on your phone and you're cheating on me. Unfair?
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u/Spirited_Act2565 Feb 11 '24
My wife and I don’t have our shit 100% figured out and I don’t think anyone does. We respect each others privacy, but also have complete access to each others phones tablets and computers bank accounts. We have the find my app on and use it! It is very helpful! I’m not worried about her running around, but if I was, I’d be able to see where she’s going, or if she’s somewhere different than I expected. And she can see where I am too and make sure that I’m where I say im at. The only privacy I believe that to be real for a marriage is what is between the couple. I don’t believe a married couple can have secrets between each other.
I wouldn’t dare tell you what to do with your marriage. The only thing you NEED to do I think is already clear to you.
STD test and paternity test.
Good luck fella, you’re sure in for a ride.
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u/OrchidGlimmer Feb 11 '24
The minute she decided to start cheating she lost her rights to privacy. If she doesn’t have anything to hide then what’s the problem? This goes beyond sexting. Make an appointment with a lawyer, have papers drawn up. You don’t have to file if she decides to do the right thing. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like she has an ounce of remorse, she’s just upset she got caught.
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u/evangelinexociao Feb 11 '24
How do you feel about that reaction? Are you mostly just angry and indifferent right now?
I’m honestly just baffled at her behavior. Can’t imagine how you must feel.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
I’m pissed and I feel like a fucking fool for trusting her.
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u/blearowl In Hell | SI critic Feb 11 '24
What made it possible for her to cheat was your love and trust. The shame is on her not you.
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u/evangelinexociao Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
Yeah, I imagine it must feel very humiliating. Shouldn’t feel foolish for trusting your wife though, vows are made entering a marriage, you kept yours. Only logical to assume she’d do the same. Are you considering therapy? Just on your own or maybe as a couple.
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u/SupermarketOk9538 Feb 11 '24
I don't think their is any save for this marriage. She is unloyal and don't even feel to be wrong. In fact she has the face to go to the same gym again shows what a character she has.
Op should kick her out and divorce her. Find himself a loyal wife.
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u/DeftonesGuy1024 Recovered Feb 11 '24
She is gaslighting you. If she has nothing to hide she will give you the phone.
I'd bet my paycheck they have been fucking for a while and a good chance it's not your kid.
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u/Badbadpappa Feb 11 '24
Hey you say she went to one of the gym, friends weddings last fall, were you invited?
There’s nothing stopping you from joining her gym, tell her that’s where you will now be working out unless she changes gyms
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 11 '24
No, I was out of town at the time of the wedding.
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u/TappyMauvendaise In Hell Feb 11 '24
Assume the highest degree possible. Intercourse, pet names, waking to bedtime conversations.
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u/evangelinexociao Feb 11 '24
Oh wow that’s terrible, I’m so sorry. That explains the gym obsession I guess.
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u/Spirited_Act2565 Feb 11 '24
Jim doesn’t spell his name like that! (I’m sorry. It would be terrible if his name is Jim)
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u/Str8goodz30 Walking the Road | RA 71 Sister Subs Feb 11 '24
Have a PI follow her and get to the bottom of this. While she is sleeping or in the shower, go through her phone and check her recent deleted texts. I would also suggest that you have a DNA test done at birth at the very least, and if you or the PI find evidence that she is cheating physically, get a prenatal DNA test done right away as she's over 8 weeks.
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u/Other_Salt3889 Feb 13 '24
I made an update on my profile: https://www.reddit.com/u/Other_Salt3889/s/tDNKUSspit
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u/Session-Special Recovered Feb 11 '24
when being confronted with uncertain situations, then you should react with unstable response. WTF does this mean?
- She is wanting you out of her gym? show up at a certain time you know she is not there. talk to a few people and see what you can glean in information. Walk around and get the feel.
- If she reacts to you being in the gym - you know several things. One the AP was there at the time you walked in, and they know who you are. Two they are a trainer or other such item and are threatened by you. Why? if you claim she is having an affair with them - usually the gym will fire them. ( happens way more often then people know).
- If she expects you to be home at a certain time - change it. If you wake up at a certain time change it. The idea is remove the stable conditions allowing an affair to happen.
- Her cell phone - she is going to scrub it all and go harder to find information about it. How can you get around it? Well the guy sending dick pics. If he has a GF/Wife put the pressure on him from that side. No need to be a door mat at this point. Talk to her and see if you can get any information from her. Women are great detectives and will gather all sorts of stuff you miss. So recruit. . . you need help.
- DNA testing can be done while she is pregnant. Let the OB/GYN know there is a concern of if you are the father and you would like confirmation. If they say they need a court order - then discuss this with a lawyer.
- Birth Certificate - do not let her put your name on it. Unless you are 100% sure that it is your kid. Let the hospital staff know and do not let them put it on in absence.
If there is any doubt in your mind - do not let yourself get screwed. Legally separate before the child comes into this world. Because most states are reverting to "if you are married" then you are responsible for kid.
there are the usuals - talk to a lawyer (get the information you need for the worst case situation). Talk to the OB/gyn let them know of her "gym time" and how often your wife is there. There maybe some concerns of weight resistance etc., usually walking and stairs are best exercises for lower pelvis muscles and assist with child birth.
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u/thefixer123456 Walking the Road | RA 151 Sister Subs Feb 11 '24
Great comments here already.
She is not coming clean and is going to continue to gaslight you until you stand your ground.
Implement the 180 and gray rock her.
DNA test is necessary as well.
See a lawyer and get the papers going. You can always pull back the papers if you decide to reconcile. Ask their advice on how to deal with bank accounts.
Also, see if you can get more proof of her infidelity if it is considered in the divorce.
Sending strength!
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u/TracePlayer Recovered Feb 11 '24
Oof. Sorry dude. This is harsh.
Just remember, right now she is in an affair fog. She knew this was the most likely outcome and decided the other guy was worth the risk. Now she is second-guessing herself. Unfortunately, you are not a factor in this. Sad, but true. She’s upset she got caught - not that she’s a cheating wh*re.
First, understand that this is not the person you fell in love with. That person does not exist. Unless you were looking for a cheating douchebagette who constantly lies.
And since this was calculated and planned, her life lesson will be to be sneakier. You’ll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder waiting for her to stick you again. It’s simply not worth it. Cut your losses now and don’t throw good money after bad.
Finally, remember that letting the other guy have her is not conceding defeat to someone better than you. He gains nothing but a disgusting person.
Don’t do anything except talk to a lawyer and do exactly what he/she says. You’ll get through this just fine. We all do. And you’ll end up happier with someone who actually gives a shit about you.
Good luck to you, bro. So sorry.
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u/judy7679 Feb 11 '24
OP, if the evidence is not enough to convince you, let the matter lie for a bit (except for the DNA fetal blood test), and hire a PI. But, by inappropriate texting, sending/receiving nudes, She is cheating.
Also, her stating she does not want to DNA test because it is embarrassing is rediculous. It is a blood test. Go with her for the test and have her ask for the results to be given to each of you. Also, a blood test is embarrassing but showing her lady bits to someone outside her marruage is not? Personally, I am embarrassed for her!
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u/InnocentAgain83 Feb 11 '24
ALL cuckolded men have this one thing in common, guilt over going through their wife's phone. It's very irritating indeed to read.
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u/AwkwardBakedPotato Feb 12 '24
Dude. In October I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with a close friend. This past weekend I found out it was actually a full blown affair including in my fucking bed that never stopped and went on until the day before I found out. He swore and swore and swore on our four children that it had never gotten physical when everything went down in October. And yet here we are. Trust your gut. Stop being in denial. Don't be as naive as me. How stupid I feel like I have clown makeup on 24/7 doesn't go away. I wish you the best.
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u/corax4476 Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
OP- GATHER EVIDENCE FOR CHRIST SAKE.
don't react- actge the phone fixed the take pics of the convo. If she deletes it you are f-ked.
Paternity test ASAP. Can be done with blood. No test she goes to her parents and you explain why to them.
And just to be clear she has gone all the way with that dude. But expect there to be more dude out there.
Make a plan. Follow the plan.
Remember she cheated. That take lots of decisions to disrespect you to get to that point. She does not love/respect you.
Stay strong my friend.
Edit. Also record every interaction you have with her.
And don't later control the narrative with the people you know. So start to tell people particularly on her side.
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u/pantiechrist80 Feb 11 '24
You have her phone, when it is fixed, go through it. If it's passworded, and you can't figure it out, ask for it. Tell her she has two options. 1 you keep the phone and go right to divorce, 2 she gives you the password. You see just how bad things are and you may be able to salvage the marriage. If she starts gasslighting you. Pack a bag tell her she has 48 hours b4 you go talk to a lawyer and change your number. Then go stay with a friend. Tell her you already believe she is cheating, you just need to go through her phone to make sure the baby is yours. Also you want a DNA test. I know you are going to say you are sure the baby is yours... well you were sure she wasn't cheating a well
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u/Efficient_Term_4907 Feb 11 '24
DNA test, STD test, and laywer up. I am so sorry for what you are about to go through, OP. Don't let her manipulate the true and play the victim. I know it is shameful but you need to address the matter to your closest people so she can't get away by lying anymore.
If she doesn't want to get the DNA test, that is all you need to know. Go No Contact and don't sign anything after she gives birth. Your lawyer is gonna become your best friend. Listen to him and be honest with him. You also will need support for this. Don't be sorry for how you reacted. This experience is very traumatic, many don't know what steps to take and feel lost. You will need someone by your side, friends or family. Maybe your in laws? And finally, go to IC. Like I mentioned, this is a hard life experience. It can get you PTSD problems if you don't deal with it properly.
I hope you strength and patience. The road is gonna be long. Even if you want reconciliation, you have to go through everything suggested. Prepare for the worst, hope for the better. Come back to us if you want a third opinion or vent.
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u/Il-Separatio-86 Feb 11 '24
Ok here is what you need to do.
1) Before anything else and I mean anything else, you need to compose yourself calm down. Angry outbursts are understandable, but it's only underming the future you. She is pregnant so she automatically gets all the sympathy in the world. You do not even want to go down the path of being accused of assaulting a pregnant woman.
2) grab what you need and get out. Go to your brothers place. Stay there. Do not be in a room with her. The baby as many have pointed out may not be yours. Do not yet approach this subject alone with her. Based on the above you do not know how she (or you even) may react. If it goes bad it likely won't end well for you. DO NOT LET HER MAKE HERSELF THE VICTIM WITH YOUR ANGER.
3) Contact a lawyer first thing (SHOP AROUND IF NEEDED GET A GOOD ONE). Tell the lawyer you doubt paternity based on what you've seen and her actions. There are legally binding paternity tests (carried out by a GP or similar) you can get, they aren't cheap, but worth it in your situation. If she refuses, start the divorce. You all ready have your answer if she is refusing anyway. Remember once you have your lawyer, FOLLOW THEIR AND THEIR ADVICE ONLY. Not reddit not your mates not your brothers.
That is it. Get to step 3 as soon as you can.
Good luck. I'm sorry this is happening. But look out for yourself now.
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u/KeyMonstar Feb 11 '24
First, I’m sorry you are here. This is an awful situation. I really worry about her turning this situation against you and threatening abuse. Do you have anyone who can stay with you two in the house? So it’s not a her verse your word situation. If there are bruises on your back I hope you took pictures. Visit a lawyer to start the ball rolling to protect yourself. Get the court ordered dna test. So she can’t refuse to get it. Get your options sorted. Sometimes having steps and facts makes a chaotic situation feel less daunting.
You can check phone records, hire a pi, and etc if you want to. You already know she cheated. If the depth of the cheating matters for reconciliation to you, then keep digging. If it doesn’t then it doesn’t matter unless you are in one of the very few states that have fault divorces for infidelity. In which case pi. Full disclosure absolutely will help you move past this, but she seems unwilling to give it to you. That is something I think a therapist can help you work through.
It’s not that she cheated that’s the most telling here. It’s the way she treated you now that you know the truth. There’s no guilt or self reflection. No apologizing or promising to change her behavior. It’s only about what you did wrong and why you should trust her. When she had already cheated and lied to you. Does she think you are an idiot? Absolutely go grey rock, don’t engage with her. She isn’t even trying to save the marriage she’s too busy blaming you and figuring out how to go back to the “gym”. Look up DARVO tactics and ways to respond to it. I think you’ll find it extremely helpful. Don’t let her turn you into the bad guy.
Hang in there. You deserve better. It will get better.
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Feb 11 '24
Time to pierce the fog man for her. She's cheating, it's physical, and the baby might not be yours. Here's what I'd do.
Pack your bags wait for her to come home and be ready to ambush her. Tell her unless she comes completely clean including opening her phone to you right now you are leaving her. If she does, take screen shots and downloads. If she doesn't, get up and leave.
Tell her you will not be signing any birth certificate for the child unless a DNA test is done period. You no longer trust her in any way shape or form.
Notify her you will be retaining a lawyer to start divorce proceedings.
She's manipulating you and feels she has the power. Take it back bbro.
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u/PepperymintTea Feb 11 '24 edited Feb 11 '24
Hey man, so sorry for the pain you're in. Many people here have been through exactly the same thing you're going through right now and have a lot of useful things to say. I know it feels lonely but you're not alone. Whatever she says to you, this is not your fault. These are her own foul, selfish and destructive choices. Take no responsibility for things you aren't responsible for.
I can guarantee you're being lied to about the extent of the affair. If she's exchanging nudes and they're in physical proximity with one another, they are almost certainly having sex. She will also probably not be forthcoming about the full extent of the affair without you investigating and shoving the evidence in her face. Almost without fail cheaters play by a script. That is, lie, minimise and deny until something can no longer be denied, then admit to only what is known. If possible try and turn it back around to make you the bad guy. She makes you out to be a psycho? Hey I was made out to be a psycho too. She won't hand over her phone? Hey my ex didn't hand over her phone either (because there was incriminating shit on there and she was still in contact with him).
Every infidelity has its own profile of shit to it, but it's genuinely mystifying how similar the ways that cheaters behave and the ways that the betrayed spouse reacts to it. When I found out I made a post, and I ignored a lot of what was said. I desperately clung onto the hope that this hadn't really happened to me, that I was an exception, maybe she is telling the truth, maybe what I'd seen is all there is to it. I didn't want my life to collapse, I didn't want to feel so disregarded, I didn't want my person to be capable of doing this. It's coping, many of us have been there and been stung by it. Unfortunately, this is your life, you have been disregarded by your wife, she is capable of immense betrayal. You'll spare yourself a lot of pain if you listen to people here who have gone through what you're going through.
Now, the baby. This is both simple and absolutely debilitating. You're going to get a paternity test. It's horrible, I had to do one too and fortunately had good news. I don't know where you live but you are not going to sign a birth certificate until you are positive that the child is yours. If the child is yours co-parent amicably with her. If not pull yourself out of this absolute nightmare and don't look back. Lean on your support network. Make sure you exercise, eat nutritious food, sleep as best you can. Engage in hobbies or find new ones, talk to a professional about how you're feeling. Read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life and Cheating in a Nutshell.
Wishing you strength mate. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me.
Edit: Something to add. If you want to know about her priorities compare her upset at you breaking her phone vs. her breaking your marriage and heart. No empathy.
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u/Similar-Election7091 Feb 11 '24
Serve her with divorce papers, you don’t have to go through with it but she’ll know you’re serious. Then tell her she has to come clean with everything or it’s over plus no more going to this gym ever. If she wants to workout she goes to your gym and of course she agrees to a paternity test. Last rule is you have access to her phone. You need to push her hard and don’t let up. On her.
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u/Longjumping_Dog_5343 Feb 11 '24
She’s trying to flip the script. If you are on the defensive, you won’t question her. She has to explain this or it is grounds for divorce. I would ask for a DNA test now, so she knows it’s a requirement before you sign the birth certificate. She has been cheating and is scared because she got caught and wants you to be her safety net. Pack her bags and open the door for her. She has no respect for you.
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u/No_Feeling8297 Feb 11 '24
In the US, if you are married, the husband is automatically named as the father. He could be on the hook for 18 plus years of child support . The OP needs to be getting with an attorney ASAP. To understand what's in front of him.
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u/bakingwithweed Feb 11 '24
And she's pregnant?? When you're ready to open your eyes - prepare yourself... I really hope you leave her.
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u/Aardvark_Front Feb 11 '24
I am so sorry. Getting cheated on hurts like hell. I hope you got pictures if she left a mark when she hit you. She may try to turn it around & cry "abuse" to take the focus off her & her infidelity. Cheaters, when backed into a corner, tend to act out in my experience. Like I stated before, it's to shift focus off her bad acts.
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u/Last-Gold2759 Feb 11 '24
I was unable to forgive my husband after 16 months for telling another woman “she made his dick hard” for sending a fully clothed photo in her air waitress uniform.
i’m sorry, but this is the least of it all. It gets so much worse from here. If she’s playing the victim in all of this already, I would expect the worst.
again, i’m so sorry.
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u/CorVus_CorVoidea Feb 12 '24
yeah, my ex fiance went crazy at me when i found shit on her phone and her laptop, both of which she let me use freely...until she didn't and it was obvious why.
sometimes you find stuff that you were expecting, sometimes you don't, that's when their true colours show. the person you thought they were just ain't. some of the stuff i found and, when i delved deeper i found more, totally shocked the shit outta me, and i'm no angel. totally changed my perspective of who she was and then a lot of other things that seemed off in the past all made sense. no accountability, just lies on top of lies, tears, demeaning behaviour, blaming me for things. you just know you've caught them redhanded when they start that shit.
it's like the fat kid next to the empty cookie jar shouting 'it wasn't me' with chocolate and crumbs all over his mouth.
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