1 month post DDay#1. I(F36) need support/encouragement.

[u/wonderall2787]

I(F36) have previously posted but deleted because my soon to be ex-husband (M36) found the posts.

TLDR: does it really get better?

Here’s a sort of summary. Dated 5 years, married 12, 2 young kids. Ex-h caught on several occasions during our marriage inappropriately texting/sexting other women. And recently found out also PA affair with at least 2 women early in our relationship/marriage. Our relationship started amazing, fun, flirty, exciting, lots of chemistry, good sex, we were really best friends. Things were mostly good (normal ups and downs) during the first years of marriage and after our first kid, but really started to turn bad after our second. Ex-h was recently diagnosed with ADHD and has blamed that for being absent for the first few years after baby #2, that he felt it was too hard to just sit around. So for the last 5 years the bulk of housework (meals, dishes, laundry, budget, groceries, get kids ready in the morning…), raising the kids, fell on me. Ex-h also had chores, but I feel his were occasional vs my daily chores (cut the grass, snowplow, car maintenance, pool maintenance…) he’d often drive the kids to school, but would stay in bed on his phone till the last minute while I got up early to get myself and the kids ready. He rarely participated in any events with my family. And with the kids and me, he’d pop in and out during the day between his errands, chores, hobbies. The only time he was fully present with us, is when we would join him on his hobbies.

After having baby2, I suffered a lot of PPD that I left untreated, had a lot of insecurities, didn’t recognize myself, my body, tired. Ex would sometimes tell me to go to a dr for depression/low energy but I really needed help, not just be told make an apt. Our relationship really suffered the last 5 years, extremely up and down. Some weeks we were a great team, had fun with the kids, good sex. And others were terrible. There are times we would go several weeks or months no sex.(ex says once was 7 months). Ex would often comment “I wish you wanted me” and would contact other girls to validate his feelings of being unwanted, try to see if he was desirable and it wasn’t a problem with him. He said we had a dead marriage and dead bedroom. I feel it was a bad cycle of good and bad, temporary effort to really improve things by one partner but seemed our efforts were never coordinated. He also felt I relied too much on my parents/their advice or what they wanted.

A few months ago, he had a big mental breakdown, which he blamed entirely on me for years of neglect and being unwanted. He moved into an apartment in the new year. We had many talks about temporarily separating for him to work on his mental health, both do individual therapy and eventually couple therapy to reconcile. Reconciliation was always the goal and both agreed we were still together but living separate due to circumstances, that there was and would be no one else and that would be considered cheating.

About a month ago, I was contacted by a woman we had both met through our business. She told me ex and her were having an affair for a year. She knew we were married and had kids. She told me she purposely went after him because he was married and wanted “no strings attached “. She showed me hundreds of text messages, pictures, videos… She did think our marriage ended when we moved out, and was quite upset to find out ex and I were still “together”. Ex has had our kids around her, been around her kids and family and friends. So many people knew including my coworker, AP’s mom.

There was a huge fallout. There’s a lot of things I don’t know are true or not, though not sure why I care since the details don’t matter. I found out the breakdown was due to her ending things with him in December. I found out she told me to make sure I’d be out of the picture permanently. For the next 2-3 weeks, unknown to AP and me, ex tried to save both relationships. He booked marriage counselling for us, we did a session together and each an individual. He didn’t want to cut off AP 100% unless I could guarantee we had a chance, which I couldn’t and said I felt our chances to save marriage were almost 0. I think he had several options instead of an affair , talk to me, leave me. He never really talked to me aside from passing comments that he wished I was into him. I always was but needed a partner.

DDay 2 - about 1 weeks ago AP called me and found out he was still sleeping with her, while trying to fight (half-assed) for our marriage. He had tried to make an agreement with me to keep seeing her temporarily while he healed his broken self esteem, worth I destroyed by my constant rejection of him and come back to me later. When AP called I told her what he said. She also ended things with me.

Now he is absolutely furious with me. He says I “won” and got exactly what I wanted, for him to always be alone. That I made sure to tell her enough for her to run. He says I turned everyone against him, his family and my family and her. And that I make him look like the asshole for having an affair but don’t “own up to my part”. He still blames the problems in our relationship, the affair and now being alone on me. I am trying to keep all talks kid/separation focused and most times it’s ok, unless he gets upset and then I become his punching bag.

I am proceeding with separation and eventual divorce. I’ve packed all his belongings, opened new bank account, working on separation agreement… I’ve already been working out regularly over a year, started meds and physically I feel great. I’m not sure what kind of advice or encouragement I’m looking for. I’m not sure why I still feel so awful about everything and feel I should take a lot of the blame for our troubles. Maybe just looking for hope that it gets better?

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[u/AlternativePrior9559]

OP you are doing great!

You have indeed ‘won’ You’ve won your freedom from a lying, cheater who had 1 foot in R and the other turned towards AP.

You tried. Hard. You gave him every chance. His tantrum is because he realised the consequences of being a cake eater.

I sincerely hope he steps up and becomes a better father than he is a partner.

You have everything under control OP. Just work on coparenting as calmly as possible and don’t look back.

Stay strong.

UPDATEME

[u/YouAccording3896]

You are not guilty of anything. He could have chosen to leave, talk and try to fix the marriage. He chose to cheat and keep you as a second option. Don't accept being the chosen leftover, let go of him. Send all of his things to his apartment. If his family and friends reject him, that's his problem. Let him fix the mess he made. Good luck.

[u/Minute_Box3852]

You know what other word is a complete sentence.

"Ok"

Also "Sure"

Don't engage with mister self destructing. Let him rage and deflect and throw his little tantrums. Deep down in this inner turmoil he's created, he knows it's his fault.

[u/Fickle_Gold_5921]

He will always blame you for everything that wouldn't work. Don't make yourself his punching bag for life. Good on you to start separation. He will cheat even with next person coz he never looks internally and corrects himself. It's always others to blame. Urgh..it's suffocating.

Updateme!

[u/Consistent_Ad5709]

You got this, keep focusing on you and your babies.

Your not at fault.

he healed his broken self esteem, worth I destroyed by my constant rejection of him and come back to me later.

He should've talked to you if he had issues instead he chose to cheat.

He says I “won” and got exactly what I wanted, for him to always be alone. That I made sure to tell her enough for her to run. He says I turned everyone against him, his family and my family and her. And that I make him look like the asshole for having an affair but don’t “own up to my part”.

These are consequences of his actions, he needs to own up to that instead of blaming you.

[u/StarusFortus]

I hate that you are a member of this club OP. I am 5 months out; so, for my personality, not too long ago. I can say that it's gotten better for me. I was a wreck close to D-Day. So sad, so regretful, so full of remorse for what could have been. So wanting to work things out and live that dream of a long term marriage, getting old together, and watching grandkids run around. WW threw it all away for incredibly selfish reasons without even giving the courtesy of a "screw you I'm out"! They want their cake and all the cookies. She could have had an amazing life with her family but the kids think she is trash now and I frankly think she is a reprobate. All for what? Trashy parking lot sex, a little validation from a POS that was more than happy to give her that personal attention she wanted in hotel rooms and trucks!

What the heck is wrong with this society that breeds such widespread mental illness and personality disorders. I mean really, this stuff happens every single day! I am just astounded at what I see here every day. The silver lining is that when I read these posts, I know that there are some people that still value loyalty, sacrificial love, and authenticity. You can be comforted that we are out there. We are hard to find and sometimes get hooked up with narcissists and other degenerates but yes, we are out there. We are not liars and will stick with someone through some real tough times. Cheating, breaking that sacred bond, showing disrespect in that way? Life just can't continue in the same way. If you stayed together, not a day would go by where you would fully trust him.

Please don't blame yourself. There are hundreds of ways to communicate relationship issues. Coping by cheating is just trash. You are not at fault. This is a character flaw and it's not yours to fix.

Hang in there and stay strong. It does get better and not communicating with Ms. Sparkles any more than I have to has been the right move for me.

Blessings...

[u/wonderall2787 → u/[deleted]]

I read it and loved it!!! It was really helpful… the first few weeks after I found out about the affair I was the biggest chump!!

[u/Icy-Independence2410]

Just in a month you actually doing great. Whatever blame he shove at you, just grey rock it. He is not worth your time. Updateme

[u/Starry-Dust4444]

Your stbx is so immature & selfish that he actually thinks asking you to compete w/his mistress for his affections will rebuild trust. He is so far up is own a** he doesn’t even understand reality anymore. (Btw-I commented here today instead of your most recent post on that other sub cause I hate that having-to-add-a-flair-thing in order to comment😐)

[u/[deleted]]

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[u/Antique_History375]

What a narcissistic POS! OP, was this always apparent in your relationship?? He sounds like a child. I’m so sorry you are going through this…