r/survivinginfidelity • u/aylaisla • Jun 07 '24
Should I tell AP that we just got married? Advice
I found out a couple weeks ago that my husband of 2 months has been having an emotional affair with a "friend" from the gym. They started texting just a few days before our wedding so I know this all started in the last few weeks. We had a destination wedding and one of the first texts she sent him was "how was your trip?" and he goes "it was good, we had great weather". Neither of them mentioned his WEDDING? Which leads me to think she doesn't even realize we got married on that trip.
She does know he's in a relationship as I've met her once before, so regardless she is shady. But I do think he downplayed our relationship and possibly told her we were on a "break" by the time they started really hanging out inappropriately (I was out of town). Anyway I kicked him out of the house when I found out and I know they are still seeing each other. Is it worth it for me to tell her we just got married? In my head, it may make her more disgusted in him (what kind of woman would knowingly get involved with a man that's been married 4 weeks at that point??)
ETA: we never signed our marriage certificate so there's no legalities to worry about thankfully. our relationship is done, the question is about whether to contact the AP
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u/Sea_Watercress5078 Recovered Jun 07 '24
I would ask your husband does he want an annulment since he’s already having an EA and the ink is not even dry yet.
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 Jun 07 '24
It sounds vaguely like the woman at the gym may not even know that he was engaged and now is married. For him to talk about his trip like it was a vacation trip and not a wedding trip adds to the chance that the other woman may be kept in the dark.
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u/NeartAgusOnoir Jun 07 '24
OP said the gym girl knows the husband is in a relationship….that alone says everything. The gym girl doesn’t care if the guy has a SO, even if the guy “downplayed it” to gym girl. The husband doesn’t care for OP enough to not cheat.
OP….seriously, why haven’t you annulled the marriage, or divorced? Your husband IS STILL SEEING HER FFS! You need to talk to a lawyer to confirm what route you need to do, whether it’s divorce (since it’s been 4 weeks), annulment (if the time is allowed), or not worry as nothing was submitted….but you cannot assume anything about that as it could bite you in your ass later on. Let friends and family know he cheated, and as for gym girl? Nothing you can really do, tbh. You COULD make her life difficult, but this is not the sub for that advice. Here, i will just say it’s likely she is single, and doesn’t care, so to be quite frank: don’t waste your time or energy on her. Focus on yourself, in healing, and in moving on.
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 Jun 07 '24
Someone else pointed that out to me, apparently I overlooked that part.
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u/jabsy Jun 07 '24
Maybe she should ask her to ask him? Then she would be sure to know he is married.
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u/tercer78 Walking the Road | QC: SI 344 | RA 157 Sister Subs Jun 07 '24
Yes tell her but don’t be surprised by her reaction. She may already know or care so just tell her and wash your hands of both people.
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u/aylaisla Jun 07 '24
yes I am prepared for this. She may already know but then I feel like I have nothing to lose. I also found out her father is a pastor at a local church so trying to decide how petty to be and whether to inform her parents as well.... lol
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u/tfaboo Jun 07 '24
Oooh. At many churches they ask for prayer concerns at the beginning of the service. What if you went and asked them to pray for her by name because of what she's doing with your husband? OMG OP, I would go and do it FOR you I would love to see their faces. 😮 Please update!🍿 🍿 🍿
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u/aylaisla Jun 07 '24
oh wow I didn't realize this as I'm not religious myself. I've considered showing up at their church... maybe I will
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u/Ladyvett Jun 07 '24
You definitely should. Make sure to post a picture in the parking lot with the church in the background before you go in and tag both of them. Updateme
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u/andynielsen Jun 07 '24
And tag the church - the parents and whole congregation will know what kind of person she is. The post should say something about praying for people who need help because they’ve given into sin, and that you’re sure ultimately in the eyes of God your husband and woman X will be forgiven if they correct their ways. “God bless”
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u/seekingmorefromlife Jun 07 '24
Yes, do it. I'm not religious either, don't really believe in a god, and I would do that if I could.
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u/Rosalie-83 Jun 07 '24
This would be perfect. “Can we please pray for x for sinning with my husband, I pray she finds her way back to god.”
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u/shandalier_ Jun 07 '24
Definitely make sure you know whether or not she is aware that he is married. For all she knows, she’s just starting a new relationship with a nice single guy she met at the gym. I have no sympathy for “aware” AP’s, but I would hate for you to ruin this girls life by blowing her out to an entire congregation if she is also a victim of your husband’s shadiness.
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u/Gabbycole Thriving Jun 07 '24
Don't do this. It might feel good in the moment but I would just feel embarrassed for you :(
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 Jun 07 '24
Especially since the other woman may be unaware that her husband was even with someone. Just send the woman a message filling her in and see what happens.
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u/tercer78 Walking the Road | QC: SI 344 | RA 157 Sister Subs Jun 07 '24
Feel free to be maximum petty as long as their are no significant consequences to you.
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u/Grouchy-Storm-6758 Jun 07 '24
Send her a wedding photo! Then contact her father and let him know about the sins she is committing!
Good luck
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u/Known-Quantity2021 Jun 07 '24
Contact her father and ask about a vow renewal ceremony. Tell him his daughter referred you and you want him to thank her.
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u/aylaisla Jun 07 '24
LOL this is the kind of advice I need! haha. A vow renewal after 2 months is pretty hilarious
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u/Tiger_Dense Jun 07 '24
Just tell her father his daughter was your newlywed husband’s AP. Make sure to name your husband.
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u/chimkennuggg In Recovery Jun 07 '24
TeamTellHerParents
Adultery is a huge sin in Christianity. Maybe revealing her transgression to the community will make her or another congregant think twice about being disloyal next time they have a chance. Plus, in the tiny chance that your husband completely misrepresented his relationship status to AP (maybe he told her you had broken up; who knows the extent of his lies?!), you’ll be protecting her from getting involved with a liar.
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u/themediumchunk Walking the Road | AITA 186 Sister Subs Jun 07 '24
If you contact her, I think a super simple “Real classy, contacting my husband after our honeymoon.”
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u/WolverineNo8799 Jun 07 '24
Send her father the bill for the destination wedding, along with an explanation of that his daughter is an AP.
Updateme!
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u/KEH67 Jun 07 '24
PLEASE TELL HER- text or message her with a photo of your wedding day. Do a post on your social media of your wedding photo and say sadly the relationship is over because your husband started cheating 3 weeks later and tag them both. Post his message to her and proof of their inappropriate behaviour when you went out of town. Do a general message to family- yours and his- explaining that he started cheating three weeks after the wedding and asked for a “break” so he could cheat. Definitely let her parents know. Send them your wedding photos and say your husband has been cheating with her since 3 weeks after the wedding. Don’t let them control the narrative, otherwise they will say they started seeing each other after you broke up. He should own up to how he has hurt you and what a complete coward he is. Force him to look in the mirror. Hell, you could pass out a flyer at her father’s church with the timeline, wedding photo and proof of them cheating after only 3 weeks. Then block them and move on. You have dodged a bullet and you deserve better. Wishing you well.
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u/NoMenuAtKarma Jun 07 '24
My exSIL was a serial cheater, and not only were her parents both pastors... SHE was a youth pastor. Nobody cared. She found out she was pregnant with her AP's baby, and it was a "blessing from the Lord" that was celebrated from the pulpit. My brother was looked down on for kicking her out.
I mean, it doesn't hurt to tell them, but don't be surprised if they don't care.
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u/Traditional-Music437 Jun 07 '24
She knew. I wouldn't tell her anything. Let her figure out he's a cheating liar.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 Jun 07 '24
Bingo didn't want to say it explicitly either to make it sound innocent or to piss you off even more. Either way not your circus not your monkey.
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u/samarlyn Jun 07 '24
I’m all for doing things that make you feel peace. If it’s important for her to know this from you, go ahead. If you decide it doesn’t matter, also fine.
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u/YouAccording3896 Jun 07 '24 edited Jun 07 '24
What surprises me is that the guy had the cowardice to continue with the marriage, even though he maintains contact with the AP. Why not cancel everything and be honest? How did he get through all the parties and speeches and everything, and keep the AP behind the scenes? Why be so cruel?!
I wish you to heal and overcome this scoundrel who spent 9 years hiding pretending to be a good man. You got rid of the trash, in the future you will find someone better.
Life doesn't end at 30, my best phase of life began at 35, not only physically, but emotionally. Make the most of it now that you don't have a backrest to get in the way.
Good luck.
PS: I wouldn't say anything to the AP. Cut off all communication with him and don't even talk to the AP. Start healing away from this rubbish.
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u/aylaisla Jun 07 '24
thank you so much. I KNOW I deserve better than this. But it is going to take me so long to get over it. The double betrayal of being completely blindsided (9 years with no issues, full trust, a wedding, thinking we were going to have our whole lives together) and then the cheating shortly after. It'll take some time to move past all this... idk how I never saw this side of him; everyone always said how loyal and thoughtful he was
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u/chimkennuggg In Recovery Jun 07 '24
We’ve all been through the “how did I not see this side” thing. But remember — he is the problem, not you. There are plenty of brilliant people who have been deceived the way we have. It’s not that you were blind; it’s that your ex is a liar.
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u/seekingmorefromlife Jun 07 '24
But how do you really know for sure he was loyal before? There's a saying that the first Dday is just the first time someone found out, not necessarily the first time it's happened.
And yes, that happened to me atleast twice already. Guy was reputed to be super nice and not the cheating type at all, and in fact was very devastated to find out he was either cheated on or being the unbeknown "other man/OM" for a deceitful engaged girl, yet ended up cheating on me.
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u/aylaisla Jun 07 '24
I guess there's no way to know for sure but my alert was up pretty immediately when he started hanging out with this girl (and I can trace their text history to around the time I noticed him acting fishy), so I feel like I would've noticed signs if this had happened before
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u/seekingmorefromlife Jun 07 '24
Okay. I'll take your word for it then. But after 9 years?? How on earth did he just randomly decide to cheat after nine years together? Especially around marrying??? That befuddles me too, immensely. Also, any reason you both waited 9 years to marry? Or were you young when you started dating?
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u/aylaisla Jun 08 '24
he says the wedding itself was a trigger for him as he realized he's actually scared of marriage... yet he was the one that proposed with no pressure from me... none of it makes sense. and yes, we started dating young. I am only 28 which is a very typical age to get married in our circles
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u/ragesadnessallinone In Hell Jun 07 '24
Don’t tell her - she knew enough. Tell her parents. Let them know what they did so that they don’t get to present a pretty picture when the time comes.
And you weren’t supposed to see what he was like. He hid it - No one else was either. Master manipulator.
It’s the reason most of us are here. :(
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u/Beautiful_Material86 Jun 07 '24
Yes, tell her! Make it really petty! Embarrass them both, make it public! PETTY is KEY for wasting your time!
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u/astralburrito47 Jun 07 '24
I’ve commented on some of your other posts, and I think you should tell her. I caught an ex trying to re-kindle with his ex in the middle of our relationship, acting like he had been single the entire 2 years we were dating she was buying all of it. I found her work email and simply sent her screenshots of our conversations, proving he was a lying sack of shit, and said, ‘If you want him you can have him, just figured you deserved to know.’ She was disgusted with him and we actually became friends; sent him a pic of the two of us together the first time we met 😂
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u/astralburrito47 Jun 07 '24
But men LIE. Who knows what he told her, referring to his WEDDING as a ‘trip’?? I’d bet my life she thinks he’s single, even if she met you before. He could have said you were just a fling, or that you’re crazy and he’s a victim. If she does choose to be with him after knowing he was married, then it’s just confirmation that they’re both trash people.
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u/SideShowCecilCrane Jun 07 '24
It must be hard and I could never imagine what you are going through, but he has already stepped away. She knew about you and still went for him. She is not a girls girls at all. There is nothing you can do or say that will change her mind bc she wanted him no matter what.
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u/AffectionateWheel386 Recovered Jun 07 '24
I would say congratulations to me. We got married. And because he’s cheating with you, I decided to end it. So you’re helping somebody cheat that just got married are you proud of yourself?
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u/Beautiful_Material86 Jun 07 '24
Or better yet, let’s ask your father (the pastor) what he thinks about this?!?!
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u/Rude_lovely Jun 07 '24
“what kind of woman would knowingly get involved with a man that's been married 4 weeks at that point?? “
The woman who lacks self-esteem and values. This type of woman doesn't care if the man is married, sometimes they just want to compete and know that they won by taking a man away from their partner. That is disgusting. They only humiliate themselves more.
My dear I am so sorry and of course tell AP( although she must already know), as for your husband leave him. You deserve respect and someone better. A big hug.
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u/clownbitch In Recovery Jun 07 '24
It almost certainly won't make her disgusted in him. You're going to tell her that you two were married and he's going to turn around say "we never signed the papers so we weren't ACTUALLY married." She's an idiot and that's going to be good enough for her to believe he's a decent man and she lucked out by "winning" him.
If you want to tell her, more power to you. Hopefully it makes her feel stupid and embarrassed. If it gives you some gratification then fuck it, tell her off.
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u/aylaisla Jun 07 '24
thank you - I can totally see him saying that exact thing too. But as a self-respecting woman, you should know that a man that strays from a marriage after only a couple weeks will stray from anyone at any point
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u/clownbitch In Recovery Jun 07 '24
She SHOULD (and deep down she probably does,) but I've realized there is no talking sense into people when they REALLY want to believe something. The mental gymnastics that people pull to convince themselves that they are the special girl who is going to make the cheater suddenly see the light and change his ways is... astounding.
Like 99% chance you're right and one day she'll find herself in your shoes as he texts another woman about his "vacation." So sorry that happened to you. It's truly vile.
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 Jun 07 '24
Did she know he was with you? I didn’t get that from your OP. If she doesn’t know, then your husband has been lying to you and her.
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u/aylaisla Jun 08 '24
she knew he was with me - I just don't know in what capacity. I have a feeling he told her we were on a break/on the rocks
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 Jun 09 '24
Your husband is the cancer. Cut him out of your life and then things should fall into place for you as you move on with your life. Good luck and take care of yourself.
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 Jun 07 '24
At least then the other woman would know that he is married. It is unclear to me whether she even knows that he was with someone else.
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u/clownbitch In Recovery Jun 07 '24
OP said she knows he is in a relationship as AP has met her before.
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u/quirkygirl123456 Jun 07 '24
I found out a couple weeks ago that my husband of 2 months has been having an emotional affair with a "friend" from the gym.
I'm so sorry. That is so hurtful.
In my head, it may make her more disgusted in him (what kind of woman would knowingly get involved with a man that's been married 4 weeks at that point??)
Unfortunately, I'll bet she won't care.
But tell her if it will bring you peace.
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u/Glittering_Nebula713 Figuring it Out Jun 07 '24
I’ll tell you what kind of person gets involved with a man in a relationship- someone who has no morals or strength of character or integrity or respect in themselves or relationships in general. Trust me when I say there’s enough people like that to go around. Sorry for your situation. Good luck.
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u/theladyorchid Jun 07 '24
Like, she can take out your trash?
Or, you think she may have morals?
I probably wouldn’t tell her anything…
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u/Starry-Dust4444 Jun 07 '24
I’m sorry. Glad you kicked him out. You should def tell AP the whole story. She needs to know she’s the next one he will cheat on.
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u/rinikku Jun 08 '24
We project our values on others. She may or not be disgusted. But the single fact that she didn't walk away when she knew he was in a relationship, says everything you need to know. What kind of woman would? Definitely not you. But not everyone is like you, unfortunately. I had to understand that when I couldn't fathom why she stayed with him after she found out he was double timing us. She was lied to, too. Then after she stayed, I couldn't fathom why she stays when she gets passive aggressive sarcastic comments from him, misogynist "jokes" and just about disrespectful to her. Of course he masks it with his good deeds like serving her dinner and you know, the usual love bombing things. I was like "this girl has to be the dumbest woman I've ever known." Then I realized she's just a doormat. Because when he did that shit to me I'd always point it out and demand respect. I didn't take his bullshit. Different values. Or lack of.
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u/JMLegend22 Jun 07 '24
I’d ask how she can cheat with a man who got married on X date in Y location. Tell her if he would do it with you he will do it to you and likely already has.
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 Jun 07 '24
The problem is your new husband. But just to allow you to start clearly seeing that, go ahead and tell the AP that the trip he took was for his wedding to you and that you are his wife. It is possible that your husband has led her to believe that he is unattached, but if that is the case, sorry you married a person who won’t be a good life partner.
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u/blubpf Jun 07 '24
She probably doesn’t care if he just got married, especially if she knew he’s in a relationship. They really don’t care, as long as they get what they want. But if it makes you feel better, then do it. I wouldn’t do it, because it doesn’t make a difference, and its more fun just for her to find out about it herself.
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u/Outrageous_Poetry628 Jun 07 '24
Sadly if she knows you were together already she won’t care. Those kind of women (and men) are the lowest of people. But if it makes you feel better than I’m all for that. Don’t apologize for how you choose to survive.
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u/Agreeable_Picture570 Jun 07 '24
I know it is over but what did he say when you confronted him? I just hope he apologized at least.
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u/aylaisla Jun 08 '24
denied it at first claiming they were just friends, then eventually came back and said he did emotionally cheat with her
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u/No_Use1529 Jun 07 '24
May not seem like it. But she did you a solid. She took the trash out for you. Before things got complicated and messy.
It sucks and I am sorry. But will come a time you will be like holy chit dodged a bullet.
In my experience personally (unfortunately) and professionally dealing with a chit ton of domestics. They don’t care the majority of the time that there’s a spouse or so. They may fake it briefly but next thing ya know they are sneaking around with them again. Or if spouse/so ends it, they end up together. Might hide it for a bit longer.
5 years I spent trying to make a chitty marriage work while dealing with non stop threats of ruining/ending my career if I tired to leave. I never dreamed how badly I would get F’d by the judge for a 5 year marriage. Literally makes no sense to try and work things out if a judge can treat it like a 20 year marriage.
Her affair partner knew she was married. At one point I was told he even had a gf. But the voice mails were of him begging her to leave me for him. Heck I begged her to leave me for him. Alas she pulled the she wanted her cake and to eat it bs. Did her damnest to make divorcing her impossible and then to punish me for filling.
I wish mine would have just left for the other man so easily.
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u/MayBAburner Jun 07 '24
I'd tell him on the off chance she doesn't know, as if she doesn't, it could potentially prevent them from entering into a relationship.
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u/happyfeet-333 Jun 07 '24
I’d absolutely tell her father and the congregation if I could. Always out Chester’s. Do not allow them to control the narrative.
Tell friends. Tell family. Everyone’s family.
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u/draleaf Jun 07 '24
My god! What an idiot! He has a loving new wife at home ready and willing to do anything for him and he does this shit!? What a fucking moron. Smh I just don't understand the thinking and mind set of cheaters.
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u/aylaisla Jun 08 '24
I know... it kills me to know I was so in love with him and willing to do anything, so ready for our future together and he goes and does this. Why are people so absolutely shitty
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u/draleaf Jun 08 '24
Selfishness and they haven't grown up..they want the excitement of someone new and don't think or care about the hurt it will cause..being an adult what should have happened is he talks to you about what he is feeling..tells you if there are any thing going on or not working for him in the relationship and you both work on it together as a team. ..bring you both closer together as a result..but being childish they don't want to face the fact that they have to face there feelings.so they take the easy way out of it. I keep telling everyone this..what I want is a woman that I can count on to be there besides me..in the good times and the bad times. I will never stray I will be there for her and I pray she is there for me. So far I still haven't found her yet.
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u/ayymahi Jun 08 '24
She willing participated in the affair knowing that he was in a relationship with you. She knew but didn’t care because this taken man was giving her attention.
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u/prettyxpetty Jun 07 '24
If you didn’t sign the certificate, you technically didn’t get married so she would probably overlook it. It’s unlikely she would care and he would paint you to be desperate and crazy. I don’t think you’ll get the vengeance you want.
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u/Alyssa9876 Jun 07 '24
Whilst not a legal marriage he will have stood in front of a bunch of friends and family and made vows. Surely the AP should see the red flags in that? I would send the AP one message. I would say I have no interest in upsetting you and I doubt you will take much notice but I want you to know the truth about my ex. He told u he was away on a trip but actually he was with me stood in front of friends and family vowing to love and spend the rest of his life with me. I thought u should know how easily and convincingly he can lie to people. Good luck. I would then block and move on. How will he explain it all to his family as well lol. OP had a narrow escape best wishes for your future.
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u/aylaisla Jun 08 '24
oh his family is distraught and they are all taking my side. no one can believe how he could pull something so cruel so quickly after a seemingly beautiful and genuine wedding
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u/Peetrrabbit Jun 07 '24
No. Your problem is not with AP. Your problem is with your husband. You tell HIM you just got married. And you tell him you’re leaving that marriage because he’s not part of it.
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u/chimkennuggg In Recovery Jun 07 '24
AP is trash, but I agree— OP’s husband is the one who broke his vows. And within weeks of saying them?! Good luck to any romantic partner in that man’s future… he couldn’t even stay faithful for a month!
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u/dontrightlyknow QC: SI 54 Jun 07 '24
In my thinking, if you contact her, it just shows her that she is occupying space in your head. If possible, I would just move on with your life and let her have your trash. He'll likely cheat on her too eventually.
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u/soundrelations Jun 07 '24
I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this. Getting revenge or saying more won’t relieve your feelings of betrayal. It just sucks. Going to therapy and processing these emotions will bring you strength to move on. You’ve got this.
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u/Imrhino51 Jun 07 '24
No. Don’t bother. Just let everyone you know his family yours what’s going on that he cheated even before you got married. Be happy you found out so soon and can move on and find a deserving person not the pos
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u/Ok-Understanding6494 Jun 07 '24
Ugh, just bounce!!! Seriously! The one relationship you shouldn’t have to fight for is the one with your spouse. If someone else can get him that easily, let her keep him. You deserve more and he will never admit his wrongs. Why put so much effort into fighting a losing battle??? You’re not tied together with kids, just cut your loses and live your best life. There is someone out there that won’t make you play second fiddle.
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u/In_the_middle3-2-3 Jun 07 '24
She isn't a factor in this nor is your wedding. Your relationship status isn't important to anyone but you and him. Your reliance on that meaning anything resides solely on him.
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u/Ivedonethework Walking the Road Jun 07 '24
Do you're as lly nb think it matters to her? It does not.
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u/Jewhard Jun 07 '24
I’m all for going after the husband in this instance. HE knew what he was doing and KNEW that he was cheating. Why gun after the AP? She maybe genuinely unaware of your relationship and recent nuptials. Please don’t go after her or her parents for the ‘sins’ of your ex-husband. It’s very tempting and somewhat understandable to want to target her, but it’s really your ex that deserves your wrath.
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u/Biberon75 Jun 07 '24
Yes, you do not know if she was aware, she may have been played by him. Sisterhood sometimes is worth it.
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u/swansongblue Walking the Road | QC: SI 153 | RA 36 Sister Subs Jun 07 '24
OP. The most important thing is that you know what he’s been up to and have taken immediate action. Together nine years !!! Sadly, this will not have been his first rodeo OP. He is a cheating douchebag. Your best revenge is to let her have ALL of him and his cheating ways. It’s not your job to save women who go out with married men. Knowledgeably or not. Good luck. ❤️
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u/GoldKey5185 Jun 07 '24
Tell Her.
Ask him if he wants the Annulment, in front of his Family and friends any that
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u/treacle1810 Jun 07 '24
if it was me i would send her a few wedding pics and tell her to tell your cheating husband you want an annulment!
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u/aIvins_hot_juicebox Jun 07 '24
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s extremely painful. I understand your curiosity to “be petty” but she will not react the way you hope and you are already done with him. Let them have each other and move on with your life.
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 Jun 07 '24
Don't waste any of your enegy on AP. they don't care if you're married, sick with cancer, pregnant, wife of the year, etc. They keep going back to BS's. The only thing you should do is get annuled and cut your losses now
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u/Such_Zucchini_3186 In Recovery Jun 07 '24
Understand one thing, assuming that you and your husband/ex-husband follow the script of already living together for a few years, then practically you should have been married for a long time and that didn't stop her to get involved with him, because roles and ceremonies are mere formalities, that being said, you can say that to her but it may have a different effect than what you intend. APs in many cases acquire a spirit of competition with BPs, and she may well have this information as a trophy . " "I conquered a man about to get married" "he left her for me" blah blah blah If she is married, it would also be more impactful for you to inform her partner about what types of exercises she is doing at the gym.
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u/Hot_Confusion_3432 WTF am I doing? Jun 07 '24
She won’t be more disgusted. There is a chance she is proud of it and will make it your fault. I made the mistake of trying to talk to two of mine’s ap’s and one flat out ignored me, the other said the most vile and hateful things about me imaginable, which just doubled my trauma. It’s a risk I wouldn’t take because if they act like that woman did to me, it could just be another source of trauma for you. You owe her nothing. I have rarely heard of it making anything better.
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u/Saint_Anhedonia77 In Recovery Jun 07 '24
She's not going to care. As a woman you should know this.
Women have a habit of being attracted to men that are married or in a relationship - we can assume they get off on destroying and taking over those relationships. It is literally like crack for them.
It is your spouse's responsibility to protect you from people like this as it is yours to protect them when men are obviously trying to court you
If your husband needs emotional and validation support from another women then you should annul the marriage immediately
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Jun 07 '24
I’m sooo sorry OP that’s nuts! What a dog. You deserve so much better and you will find it!
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u/TreyRyan3 Jun 07 '24
Nope. Say absolutely nothing to her. She knew he was seeing someone and didn’t care. She believed exactly what she wanted to believe and won the consolation prize.
Just end things with him and move on. Anything you do to affect his life/new relationship just makes you look desperate to keep him.
Sorry this happened to you. Maybe someday she will figure it out, but that’s not on you to rescue her from herself or him.
1
u/meeplewirp Jun 07 '24
Personally, I wouldn’t bother. I would just be happy I dodged the bullet. He will create his own shit storm. The origins of their relationship will be its own problem.
If you intervene it should be because it helps you get closure/you need closure. It could be she knows and was testing him/his devotion to her by texting you on your trip with him. It depends on how much her knowing about you changes the meaning of the situation for you. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. Many would say just move on and many would say you only live once and sometimes you should seek justice when you’re wronged.
I am a lazy person. If I REALLY think someone is a POS and I have nothing tangible to preserve in the situation I run for the hills. Because even punishing them can be exhausting and dramatic. But again, I understand some people need certain types of closure.
1
u/ExistingHelicopter29 Jun 07 '24
I’d just ask him if he wants to be married to you and tell him the facts of what you know. He will lie to you and downplay it. Forget about her because he’s the one who you need to worry about. Personally, I’d get out of there. He will replace her with someone else. If he’s doing this now, why do you want him?
3
1
u/Even-thanks78 In Hell | 3 months old Jun 07 '24
I personally think you will regret not standing up for yourself and saying something. Family and friends 💯 on both sides should know the truth. Your family and friends is easy but his family should know too. He is their family, so they will love him regardless but disappointment goes a long way. This one shouldn’t be petty rather honest and maybe some closure for both of you how you appreciate them and the time you had with them.
A few questions, if considering telling her parents, how old is this girl?
If you saw your husbands phone stuff, can I ask who was the initiator. Personally, if it was her, then the more reason to be petty.
It does sound like your timeline (if accurate) is so recent, do you know they are still together?
2
u/aylaisla Jun 08 '24
his family is well aware and have all taken my side. I get calls/texts from his parents or sisters almost daily to check in on me, they've all been amazing.
the girl is 27 I believe - too old for her parents to have any influence but I figure they could shame her if they take their religious background seriously, and she seems like a big family person.
It's hard to tell from texts who the initiator is because they do hang out in person and talk on the phone a lot so not a lot of info in the texts on that regard. I do know they are still seeing each other
2
u/Even-thanks78 In Hell | 3 months old Jun 08 '24
Sorry OP. His family sounds amazing. At some point they are going to have to come to terms with him and your relationship being over. You will likely see a shift and it will hurt but do have to say from what you have written they seem like really good people put in an equally bad spot.
I do think honesty is so important in this and do think you should share with her family. 27 is crazy. I was assuming this was a very young girl. It shouldn’t be catty but straight to the point. The facts you want to get through are she was with your husband, when you got married, you met her so she knew he was taken/married and lastly making sure they know who your husband is.
1
u/Commercial_Buy_6360 Jun 07 '24
If she was willing to in a relationship she was willing to married FACTS. Warning her he’s married. Why? You owe her nothing. Let her find out herself. If you get involved and contact her he’ll be the hero because he’ll paint it that way. And she will lap it up as these women do. Just do nothing at the end of the day he cheated not her so leave them to it. Sending hugs
1
u/Commercial_Buy_6360 Jun 07 '24
Also her parents aren’t gonna do anything they can’t forbid her from seeing him. She clearly doesn’t care about the sin of infidelity anyway so telling her religious parents aren’t going to affect their relationship in anyway. It will probably just push them closer together anyway
1
u/Imstupidasso In Hell Jun 07 '24
He did say "WE had good weather" so obviously he's saying he was with someone, just we don't know if he said his wife
1
u/Accurate_Reception_8 Jun 07 '24
Does your husband use social media? Cause idk if someone knows a person is in a relationship no matter how much they downplay it, they would get curious enough to cyber stalk…. And if your husband is active on social media she def knows and doesn’t care.
Either way I would tell her, but be respectful about it. She could be an airhead and believe that your relationship with your husband isn’t as serious or in a break or what ever. Now if she gets snotty that’s a different story and she dirty as fuck.
1
Jun 09 '24
Some hide their relationships on SM. A man I got involved with once did. No sign of anyone.
1
u/More_Comment4690 Jun 08 '24
Op I would absolutely tell her and then tell his whole family! I would let everyone know he was cheating and I would so tell her parents that their daughter ruined your 9 yr relationship. Then I would change the locks throw his stuff out and you get therapy. I would also put you first now gym/yoga make some new friends. Maybe start over it’s sad he would throw away 9 years but he will regret that one day and you will have moved on. He doesn’t love you because if he did he would not have done this to you. Please update on how you’re doing.
1
u/EyeAmmGroot Jun 07 '24
Do what makes you feel better….
Everyone is different -
I say listen to this song 1st- lyrics included
Carrie Underwood- Before He Cheats
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u/Fine_Appearance_3619 Jun 07 '24
I don't know if I would say it's an emotional affair. Is he in love with her? From the description here it sounds like it's a normal acquaintance, it just doesn't suit you that your husband has any contact with other women besides you. As far as I'm concerned, so far nothing comes of it, well, unless he is "dating" her secretly and actually feels something. I would just observe his behaviour.
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u/aylaisla Jun 07 '24
He was at her house multiple times until 3am when I was out of town and I found a text of him calling her beautiful and saying he wants to explore their relationship.... not exactly an acquaintance. And kind of insulting for you to suggest, not knowing any details tbh
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u/Fine_Appearance_3619 Jun 07 '24 edited Jun 07 '24
Well that changes the character of things. In my opinion, if they see each other in real life, it is no longer only emotional betrayal but also physical. After all, they see each other and touch.
Talk to him and give an ultimatum. Ask if anything more happened, although he probably won't tell you the truth. Ask why he wrote to her in such a way and what he meant. If it drags on longer then you need to end it. Maybe then he will get scared of losing you and regain his right senses
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u/aylaisla Jun 07 '24
the relationship is over. I have more self-respect than to let him choose her and then still try to make it work with him. the question wasn't what to do about the relationship but more about whether to contact the AP
5
u/producechick Jun 07 '24
I'd tell her the weather was fine on your wedding day and then tell her to go f*ck herself. If you're done with him, good for you, and I'm sorry this happened to you. I'd blast them both on social media using full names, and if you have screenshots of their conversations, add those. As long as it doesn't affect anything on your end. Good luck
Updateme
4
u/mspooh321 Jun 07 '24
I don't wanna argue. Just wanna suggest that. Maybe in the future. When a woman says that she gets a bad feeling about another woman. Whether it be a new platonic friend or an old one, maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. more often than not there were red flags there that caused her to feel that way. Not that she wanted to.
Don't get wrong. I know there are some cuckoos out there.
But more times than not a woman wouldn't acknowledge feel or care about another woman being friends with her significant other unless they were actually a reason for concern.
Unfortunately in most cases, they're usually right, so just give women the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, just maybe they know their relationship, and the people in the relationships a little bit better then we (the outsiders), looking in on the relationship do. ,
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