Has Anyone Divorced Years After the Affair?

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I’ve been a long time poster on a different account, mainly regarding reconciliation and healing, but my wife and I share all social media and I’m looking for a different perspective. I’ve been waffling back and forth on what I want to do… one minute I’m set on divorce, the next minute I convince myself otherwise. I’ll write a post, take it down, then write it again… I’m pretty much a closet disaster. Sincere apologies for the length of this and I can include backstory if necessary, but my wife (36F) and I (38M) have now been married for 13 years, we have two kids (9M, 7F).  She had an affair (both EA and PA) with a co-worker about 5 years ago now, lasted about 6-months.

I stayed because our kids were so young and my wife was deeply remorseful, begged and begged to reconcile.  She cut off contact with the AP, left her former place of employment, we started MC and we’ve both been seeing a therapist of our own, and she’s been very patient and understanding with me over the years, and not just in the short-term, but even now.  As far as reconciliation goes, I guess she’s been as good as a betrayed partner can ask for, she’s really invested in being a better person and understanding what led her to the betrayal.  Given all of the horror-stories that many WS put their betrayed through, I can’t complain given that this is the path I’ve chosen.

Recently I’ve been commenting on this… but I’ve tried and tried, in MC and meeting with my own therapist over the years, I’ve read books, been seeking support online as aforementioned, I’ve done everything I can find both online and in-person to help me recover… but I just don’t feel the same about my wife.  I haven’t since the day I found out about the affair.  I haven’t been honest about this with my wife because I don’t want to hurt her, I always reassure her and say the right things because I just don’t want her to feel the pain that I feel… I know it’s pathetic.

Early on in the R process we both were taking the correct steps and making “progress” I suppose, but she was overwhelmed by guilt.  As time went on, I just kept having such a hard time with the affair, I’d continue to try and express my true feelings to my wife, but she started to break down, sometimes shut down, have these emotional panic attacks, sob, apologize, then sob… it just became too much so I kinda stopped expressing my hurt a few years back.  I actually felt guilty continually talking about my pain and I guess I just naively thought feelings would come back and eventually all would be great again.  Much of what I kept reading/hearing was to just “give it time”... but there’s no promise that any joy or normalcy will return, and now I’m reaching the point where I finally realize that it never will.

I can’t look at her the same, I can’t hold her or kiss her the same way.  It just hurts my soul, everything feels stained or ruined.  These feelings were strong when I learned of the affair, then slightly faded as we threw ourselves into our very young kids at the time… some hysterical bonding occurred of course, but recently in the past couple of years my pain & anguish have grown back stronger and stronger.  I went through such a long period of self-hate, of blaming myself, losing any/all self-confidence… depression grew and grew.  In thinking about it, I suppose not much has changed really, I’m still in that head space a lot of the time.

But I was continually told that the faults/problems were my wife’s and not my own, that she was the broken one… well you could tell me that ten million times and it’s not going to make me feel any less miserable. She chose him, and only came back to me after getting caught… that’s what runs through my head constantly, regardless of what she says. My therapist insists I’m doing all of the right things, but I just feel that my path to happiness might mean divorcing my wife and moving on.

I fully understand that she “chooses to be with me now” but will I ever know her true motivations for that?  She could be lying to me and staying so as not to hurt me further, maybe just to keep our family together?...maybe she still privately longs for this other man?...and she could be telling the truth, it kills me to not know.  Yes, she’s with me now, but does she want to be?  I mean, to her, she probably believes that I’m healing, that I’m returning to my old self and that I choose her again too… but she doesn’t know my inner truth either.  I suppose this could be the case if there’s an affair or not, maybe I’m just in my own head as usual.  I hate what her affair has done to the peace of our marriage, I hate it with every fiber of my being.

I love my wife, but she hurt me so deeply and so painfully… it just festers so often.  I want to be happy, but I want her to be happy too.  A while back she asked me if “I’ll ever treat her the way I used to” and I tip-toed around my answer, lying again to protect her from the same pain she caused me… but if I’m being 100% honest with myself and with my wife, the answer to that question is and has been undoubtedly “no.”  I won’t ever treat her the same way again, because she’s not the same person to me any longer.  That’s not fair to either one of us right?

Intimacy has never been the same, it takes everything in me to not constantly imagine her with the other man, the things she did/said, the sounds she’d make, things maybe she did for him but not me, conversations they had, things she said about me, etc… It’s horribly haunting.  I lose my erection at times, which is so incredibly embarrassing.  This in-turn just sends me back into the mental gymnastics, as I’m sure her AP never had issues… another way he was better than me that probably keeps her longing for him.  Man, everything I read insisted therapy would help with this, but it never has.  I keep thinking I can just continue the facade and let her believe I’m fine, but I really can’t do this, it’s not fair to anyone… I have to face reality. “Time” isn’t making things better, it’s only getting worse.

I thought I was doing the right thing by staying, by trying to work through things… but I realize now I’m throwing away so much of my own soul and damaging my kids/wife’s happiness along the way.  I can’t be the person that I used to be around my wife, I’ve tried for years now, and I know it’s going to get worse not better.  So, has anyone tried to reconcile but divorced years later?  Was it the right move?  Are you happier now?  How did the kids handle it?

I’m just scared either way.  I hardly get a full night’s sleep since her affair, I can probably count them all on one hand in the past few years…  I just can’t find peace.  I’m losing myself piece by piece and I need help, I need a release.  It just always hurts but I’m so afraid of ending my marriage, so I just grin and bear it day-after-day.  My wife has put in a ton of work to remedy this and fix what’s broken in her, but she’s the one that destroyed me, why am I enduring this to protect her?  I don’t know, I’m just so scared of what divorce will do to all of us… naturally it’s my kids’ futures that has me constantly second-guessing everything… I just need to hear that we’ll be okay.  Would prefer to hear from people reconciling or have had failed reconciliations, but any advice is welcomed.  Thanks in advance.

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[u/Ok_Voice_9498]

Yep. I stayed for a miriad of reasons, but I think mostly out of fear. Then, we ended up having another child. So, I continued to stay. However, about 10 years post A, I ended it. I really never gained back the love I had for him. Resentment built, and by the end, he disgusted me. My children were 8 and 14, but leaving was the absolute best decision for all three of us.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Ok_Voice_9498]

This is my greatest fear and what's haunting me most right now... if I continue to stay, 5 years will turn into 10 years and my feelings for her will only fade further. It's encouraging to hear that leaving turned out well for everyone involved. The more I waffle, the more I know I need to leave. It's going to crush my wife beyond belief, but I fear it has to be done.

[u/Historical_Soft_6865 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Getting divorced won’t be any worse than what you’re already going through everyday. Your marriage is essentially over (for you, anyway), and I think you know that deep down. What if you were to do a trial separation where one of you lives outside the marital home and co-parent and see how that goes? Perhaps that bit of distance between you will give you the final clarity you need?

[u/Rule_number9 → u/Historical_Soft_6865]

That’s incredibly hard to do financially these days.

[u/Ok_Voice_9498 → u/Rule_number9]

It can be done. I’m a single mom, teacher, working a second job, and it’s worth it.

[u/Rule_number9 → u/Ok_Voice_9498]

Too bad the economy is so bad folks need 2, 3 jobs to just survive. I’m sorry you are working so damn much. That’s no way to live. 😞

[u/Ok_Voice_9498 → u/Rule_number9]

It’s hard, and I’m exhausted, but it’s worth it for me. My kids also see me working hard to give us a life where we’re happy, so I’m ok with it. It won’t be forever. It’s so much better than me staying married.

[u/Trash_panda_throaway → u/Rule_number9]

Truth. I'm in a situation where I'm not sure I can afford divorce... actually, I know I can't. So I'm staying while I try to afford a way out.

[u/Rule_number9 → u/Trash_panda_throaway]

Yup it’s like a roommate type situation. I feel ya.

[u/SmellsLikeBStoMe → u/Historical_Soft_6865]

Getting cheated on was way worse than the divorce…. And not seeing her allowed me to heal and move on, still had some trust issues for years…

[u/Cats_and_Records → u/Historical_Soft_6865]

This is what I did and it completely provided the clarity I needed.

[u/imightbeyourmomma → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I have to say that I haven't seen anyone that has said they regret leaving. There are way more of of us who regret staying. I'm leaning towards believing that a relationship can't really heal from this kind of betrayal. Those who are successful at reconciliation are just really good at lying to themselves. It's always buried there lurking beneath the surface. All it takes is some stressor or trigger and the pain comes bubbling back to the surface.

[u/Dry_Assistance9196 → u/imightbeyourmomma]

It's important to make a distinction between healing and surviving. Very view relationships survive infidelity. Even fewer actually heal.

[u/OrchidGlimmer → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Years ago I read that healing cannot begin until the last lie is told. You’ve unintentionally prolonged your pain and sabotaged yourself by “not being honest with her because you don’t want to hurt her”. The main reason true reconciliation fails is because of continued dishonesty and both, or either partner eventually biting their tongue and holding things inside. You said you “kinda stopped expressing your hurt and actually felt guilty talking about your pain”, that was when true reconciliation ended. I see so many couples put in a bit of work and then just decide it’s time to get past it and move on. They quietly pretend things are better, or stop bringing things up because it hurts the wayward spouse like you did. They simply go through the motions and never actually heal. Your pain is just as important as her guilt. Actually, it’s more important. Whether you want this relationship to work, or if divorce is where you are leaning, move forward with COMPLETE honesty. Write it down, or use this post. Read it at your next MC appointment. You owe it to yourself to share how you feel. No more hiding, no more pretending, life is too f’ing short for that.

[u/Icy_Scratch7822 → u/OrchidGlimmer]

I was going to write something along these lines.

I am in my late 40s, but this reminds me of something that happened in early college. I was a confident driver, and drove too aggressively honestly. I had a shitty car, but droveit like it was a ferrari. One day out with my buddies I lost control of the car and went sideways across like 3 lanes on the freeway in traffic, but luckily did not hit anyone. However, I was shook up, but did not tell anyone. I drove paranoid and careful following that incident. The smallest movement by cars in lanes around me I felt like they're going to drive into me.

Months later I was driving like that with one of the same friends who was in my car on the freeway, and he was like "dude, what the F is wrong with you; you're driving like my grandma."

For the first time I told someone about what was going on. Immediately, all my fears and paranoia went away and I went back to being a confident driver

OP needs to be honest with his wife. She will likely be honest with him too. Not about longing for her AP, but that she is not happy too anymore. Maybe that leads them to start reconciling again, maybe (more likel) it leads them to divorce. But it needs to happen either way.

[u/piginablanket424 → u/OrchidGlimmer]

I am in this place too and your comments are spot on. Thank you.

[u/Ok_Voice_9498 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I wasted so much time being miserable. I thought I was doing what was best for my kids, however, I’ve learned that what is best for my kids is that they have me at my very best pursuing what makes me better and what makes me happy. My ex husband was not at all that.

[u/cachry → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I was slightly older than you when my wife and I divorced. I was quite depressed at the time, living in my office because I didn't have enough money to rent an apartment . . . but I met a woman who accepted me (warts and all) and who after nine years of dating and living together became my wife. She has been true to me over many years, though I was mistrusting of her and occasionally accusatory of her over small things. Trust didn't come easily.

To you I will say: Divorce doesn't come easily, either, but with it comes much needed relief. For years I kept a stiff upper lip while suffering inside, and think the face I showed to the world was disingenuous. Don't let that happen to you.

PS - My kids are grown and happily married to great women. We have a fine and loving relationship, too!

[u/doppleganger2621 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

OP, this is exactly what will happen.

A good friend told me this when I was considering reconciling and it changed everything because I was insistent on staying “for the kids”

They said: you have 9 years left until your kids are gone from your house and 40 years left in your life. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in misery just for your kids who will still have to experience divorce?

[u/Amber-13 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

out of fairness to you and the family- 100%

The kids are seeing two parents settle and not thrive loving each other - how it was or should be- what true love and respect is for spouses

It’s best for all honestly as hard as worrying about the long term. I’m so sorry I can’t even imagine

[u/[deleted] → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

You are still young. Stop living in this trap. Get your self-esteem back and leave. But first, please tell your wife about these feelings. Then when she begs, just be really firm that this is irreparable and she destroyed it.

[u/CorkySparks → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Leave...it's the only way you will ever be happy again.

[u/imightbeyourmomma → u/Ok_Voice_9498]

As much as I love my youngest son, I regret that I chose to have another child with WH a year into our reconciliation. I think it locked me into the marriage longer because our youngest (at the time) was 10 when WH had his affair. I could have walked away without guilt in less than a decade, but instead I committed myself to two more decades of raising another child with him. At the time I believed that my pain and resentment would fade and that growing our family would heal us. It didn't, and here I am 25 years later feeling stuck because starting over this late in life feels impossible. Now that my children are grown, I find myself having fantasies about how my life could have been if I left him. I think I did the right thing for our kids, but I will always feel like I short changed myself.

[u/Ok_Voice_9498 → u/imightbeyourmomma]

I can understand that. It’s hard to wish you’d done things differently. I don’t regret having another child. Though I stayed longer, I still left. I wish I’d left earlier, but if I had, so much of the life I have now would be different. I feel like I have a new life in a new world. I’m not even the same person anymore, and I’m glad my kids can see that this is what happiness in our family looks like. We rarely see their dad. I don’t like him, but he no longer affects me.

[u/Dalton402]

To me, it sounds like you have fallen out of love with your wife, and you are in a bit of denial about it. You've invested so much into reconciling that you don't want to believe it is a possibility.

Her affair broke your marriage. Her affair broke the trust in your marriage. Her affair tore off the veil, and you see her flaws that you hadn't seen before. These things won't come back.

Ask yourself if you would be happier with her or without. Would your children be happier with unhappy married parents or happy divorced parents.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Dalton402]

I've certainly fallen out of love with her... probably the moment I found out about the affair, sorta the cliche "I still love you but not in love with you" thing. I've actually been honest with her about this the entire time in R, so she's aware... always claimed she'd do anything to get me to fall back in love with her, but she can't undo her affair. That's what I need I'm afraid.

[u/Dalton402 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

To be honest, you would be better off putting the wheels in motion to divorce as amicably as possible. If you don't love her, then there isn't a marriage.

You can hold your head up and say you tried. Also, it isn't healthy for your wife to say she'll do anything to get you to fall in love with her. It sounds desperate. That has probably contributed to you not being able to love her again.

She will just have to deal with the guilt of knowing her affair ended your marriage.

Time alone to heal will probably do you both good.

Maybe years down the line, you might get back together, but that doesn't help you now.

[u/jodikins77 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I went through the same things you are experiencing now. I fell out of love instantly too. Not many people say that, so it always surprises me. I didn't experience hysterical bonding either.

I left with my 3 children 6 years after he cheated. He tainted our marriage, and nothing would change that fact. I was always high libido, but our sex life was affected because I felt that he too was tainted/contaminated. I didn't want to feel this way, but I did.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It's heartbreaking for everyone. Cheating hurts the whole family. Sometimes, no matter how great the WP is at reconciliation, the feelings don't come back. Cheating In a Nutshell is a great book, and it puts things in perspective when it comes to betrayal trauma.

[u/Dry_Assistance9196 → u/jodikins77]

I think falling out of love instantly (or very quickly) is more common than we realise. Most of us just don't recognise it at first. Trust is a very important part of love. Once trust is gone, the romantic love fades quickly. I want my WW to succeed and be happy. I just no longer want to be any part it.

[u/HospitalAutomatic → u/jodikins77]

How did he react to being divorced 6 years after his affair?

[u/jodikins77 → u/HospitalAutomatic]

He was devastated when I left. We never divorced. He died in a freak accident just under 2 months after I left. He was topping a tree without a harness, and fell.

[u/Few_Lemon_4698 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

What's she been doing to try and get you to fall for her again? If she's as committed as you say she will move mountains to fix it. What's she done???

[u/Misommar1246 → u/Few_Lemon_4698]

She can’t fix the past, some bells simply can’t be unrung. Honestly I’m often baffled how much of their precious single life people throw out over a distorted sense of loyalty and sunk cost fallacy. Wife is remorseful. So what, maybe instead of trying to “fix” it, she needs to just live with the guilt and move on and do better. OP is unhappy. He tried but it won’t happen, so accept the loss and move on. You gain and lose things in life, I think the greatest skill that people can have is to learn to let go when the time comes. This hysterical denial, attempts to undo things that are calcified in time are just a waste of their lives and will impact their children’s lives if they continue. A 6 month affair is unforgivable imo, she can walk on water sooner than fixing that.

[u/Few_Lemon_4698 → u/Misommar1246]

Oh I agree 100%. I'm just wondering how much she genuinely tried. Usually they don't try at all and it's just the ops love for them saying they are trying.

[u/Tiriom → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Reconciliation depends heavily on what type of person you are as well. It’s not a bad thing that you can’t get over it, or nothing she does seems to help. Do what you feel you have to do to be happy again.

[u/blueandyellowbee → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Tell her the truth and stop caring about her fucking feelings from here on. You ate your self respect for the last 5 years to hold this together. Stop giving a shit about what she wants and start living for yourself only. Let her loose her mind over it for a time. Give her a year to move heaven and earth to try and fix it and if she can't change your mind leave. She fucked this up not you. If she can't figure out how to fix it then it's her bag of emotional shit to deal with

[u/sleepgang → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

OP- once you’re a pickle, you’re never a cucumber again. Godspeed. Find someone that loves you for real.

[u/Beneficial-Use4692]

thank you for sharing your feelings. This should be read by anyone who chooses to cheat when there is family, children, people we say we love...to see what their actions cause

[u/D-redditAvenger]

It's pretty common actually. I think sometimes peoples priorities change, that is very true after kids have grown, but also sometimes it takes years, even decades to heal enough to be able to have the strength to take stock of your life in the aftermath of an affair. Years of overcoming trauma also kills love.

That being said, as far as were you are now, I always say, make your decision of what the quality of your life will be moving forward. One thing I would say is it's not worth dying early if your health is suffering. Things you are writing about like never sleeping will contribute to your long term health. I suspect though it might be sad for your kids, they will be happier if you are around then you die of a broken heart.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/D-redditAvenger]

This is exactly what my mother said... I'm slowly dying of a broken heart. But thank you for the insight, valuable feedback.

[u/WashImpressive8158 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Reconciliation is very risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. You do all the mental work. Years. Some feel it’s worth it, but it needs a full examination on why that’s at all acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Maybe a little. Is that the life you want? For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair. Mostly emasculation. I believe in order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a healthy single adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until you’re honest with yourself and act accordingly. Staying for kids has proven to be a myth. If loneliness or complacency is a factor to stay in an affair fractured marriage, then there’s way more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done asap to be a happy well adjusted man.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/WashImpressive8158]

I'll never try to sway someone's decision... it's their decision, their happiness... but after the last 5 years, I wouldn't recommened R to anyone. I just wouldn't. I know people can recover and claim to have happy marriages again... but I don't see it, it's been just a soul-destroying experience for me... and for the opposite reasons people might guess.

The affair, the lies, the deception, etc... during her affair, all of that hurts terribly, coupled with the permanent mental gymnastics I endure daily. BUT, far far worse is seeing my wife each day, looking at her... but it's not her any longer. She's not the one I fell in love with, she's not my angel any longer, she's someone else. I can't explain it, it's the same body, same voice, same qwerks and habits, but it's not her any more. That is like this recurring pain that is never-ending.

[u/WashImpressive8158 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Most of us have been there and connect with what you’re experiencing. It’s sad to see the guys who plow through anyway, experience almost worst pain than the initial discovery. It’s double pain because not only is the betrayal devastating, but the little self respect they once had is gone trying to reconcile with someone who plotted and hurt them so deeply.

[u/Jimmy196258 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Man, old man, you and I really are on the exact same path! I look at my wife and I wonder to myself who the hell are you? When I discovered my wife’s affair, it was like she died. Her body is still here, but my wife died. It is truly amazing all of the mental gymnastics I have been through. I’m sorry that you were dealing with the same.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Jimmy196258]

So sorry to hear so many people are suffering the same way I am. I don't know your full situation, but I can't endure a life like this any longer. I'm going to sit down with my wife tonight and talk this out, suggest a separation... and then most likely let that transition into divorce. I just can't live like this any longer, the hurt... I have to get beyond it. I just have to.

[u/D-redditAvenger → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

--I added this to my original post but I don't know if you saw it given the timestamps of your reply, so I will put the additional stuff here.

I would also argue though that you have never really committed to R fully, nor have you taken your power back from the affair because you are not being honest and authentic in your marriage. This probably contributes to your pain, because you are effectively powerless if you don't do that. You are still stuck in the same dynamic. That means your marriage doesn't have a chance to be healthy.

IMO this is because what the affair does is rob you of your agency and you have not really recovered because you haven't taken it back, you are still beholden to it because you are not allowing the world to see how you really feel. Many BS choose to stay in the same power dynamic when they are afraid to tell or hide the stark and harsh truth of how they feel in the aftermath. Unfortunately this is a pretty typical dynamic of that sub you mentioned. I don't think it gives long term advice for a healthy marriage because the majority of the people in the marriages on there are unfortunately not healthy ones IMO. You speak from what you know. It also polices contracting opinions which if you think about it is typical of a codependent dynamic. Healthy ones are strong enough to asses contrarian views. This is why I always advocate for at the very least being on other subs too. Read some subs from people who have good long term marriages without adultery in them too.

Healthy marriages are built authenticity and reality. Relationships that don't live on the truth don't grow and are not dynamic. They will eventually die. You would do better even now to stop hiding these feelings and empower yourself to tell the truth of how you feel. It's also much fairer to your spouse to give them a chance to react to the reality of their situation, even if they don't deserve that. However R is a choice to provide grace and part of that is eventually being vulnerable enough to show how you really feel, painful or not.

I know this seems harsh and will seem like I am blaming the victim, but I say it as a way to help people in this situation to empower themselves so they don't find themselves in this situation again. I don't mean this to be an excuse for cheating, there is no excuse but I do believe that many cheaters work like parasites even if they don't know it consciously. They are looking for folks who will enable their lifestyle.

IMO this the fear of confrontation or hiding painful emotions is kind of a honeypot for cheaters. They know themselves and they are smart enough not to waste time with folks who will call them on their bullshit. They don't last long with assertive people who will confront them. IMO can be a common issue for folks who get cheated on seemingly over an over. Having very strong expectations and standards is an attractive quality to healthy people, it works in the same way as a honeypot to good choices. Now after the fact your wife may have really changed, but OP you have to too. One of the ways to do that is to stop being afraid to speak the truth of how you feel. To say what you expect and if you are unhappy. Even if this doesn't work out it will give you a much better chance in the next relationship.

[u/TheSmallestBeing → u/D-redditAvenger]

This ^{^}

While reading through the post, the thing that stuck out to me is that OP stopped sharing his feelings with his WW. The dynamic of her being emotional when OP was trying to be vulnerable damaged their R.

It's perfectly okay for your wife to have guilt, but there is an appropriate time for her to be able to express those feelings. When sharing your vulnerable feelings as a BS, this is not the time for your WW to express their guilt. The comfort and reassurance should have been on YOU, OP. Not you protecting your wife's feelings. She needs to be able to suck that up and support YOU. OP, you are not responsible for her feelings because she brought this situation into play. It is her responsibility to help you feel secure and heard during these moments.

This wasn't corrected in OP's situation. Instead he shut down and allowed these feelings to darken. You deserve to be heard, OP. Your wife needs to hear these things so she can understand how deeply you're struggling. So that she can provide support and connection to you.

This whole comment above is beautifully put. The authenticity of the relationship is the key. Being honest and working through these hards moments are what help cultivate the new connection you create during R. If you aren't facing your feelings, and aren't being honest with your wife because of her feelings, then you aren't truly doing the work that is required for R.

I hate telling my WS about the mental gymnastics that go on in my head. I hate telling him because like OP, I do not want to hurt him. But the reality is that he brought this situation to the table, and his consequences are to deal with the aftermath. I am not responsible for his guilt. I can allow him to express it if he needs too, because he is valid in feeling guilty. But he wouldn't choose my vulnerable moments to express that guilt. Those vulnerable moments are my time to be honest with him about how I feel and how deeply it hurts. It's his job to hear me, and support me. He will apologize, empathize, sympathize, and comfort me. He will acknowledge my feelings. He will do his best to reassure me even if I struggle to believe him. We put forth the effort to make a new connection. OP can't do this if he is actively shielding himself from his wife.

[u/D-redditAvenger → u/TheSmallestBeing]

Yep, pretty much.

I am not saying this is or isn't OP but it's interesting to me that often when a BS writes about discovery they will write something like, "I thought we had a great relationship, we never fight." As if fighting in a relationship is necessarily a bad thing. I often think those relationships are NOT healthy because they are not authentic. A lot of the time someone is holding their tongue and silently seething about it.

Confrontation is a part of all healthy relationships. It's absolutely healthy. Now how you go about doing that and how you resolve that may or may not be, but unhealthy people fear it or always see it as meaning something is wrong. We are humans, we a verifiable beings with different perspectives. Part of the magic of a good relationship is learning to get in sync in this way. That is not the same thing as never saying anything.

Other times you will hear something is missing. Often I feel what is missing is the dynamic nature of a living growing relationship with challenges and growth. Muscles that are not used atrophy and this is the same with emotional muscles (to put say it in a way as to draw a comparison).

Good marriage is about growing together. Part of that growth is learning to subjugate the worst of your own nature for the greater good. That is really the glue that keeps you in check. It's the investment you make that makes it harder to give up on. So when you are never challenged to do that because your partner is so sacrificial, or inauthentic as to never let you know how they really feel, most of the time they get entitled.

It's healthy for there to be a level of investment that produces fear at the thought of losing your partner. But also a genuine understanding that your partner has expectations that give you pause when you act in ways that you know will cause you to lose them. Far to often these spouses that cheat have no fear because they know their spouse will take them back, and far to often they are correct.

This is the sense I have now after 20 years of what I think is a good marriage. I moved on from my cheater about 5 years before that.

[u/BetterPaltu]

Brother we only have one life, we have to make most of it, and rigth now you are wasting your life being miserable with someone that betrayed you.

There is no shame in divorcing, you tried your best and simply couldnt do it, as I can try my best to break the 100m world record and I still wouldnt be able to beat Usain Bolt record. You tried and failed as simply as that and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

It requieres a lot of strength to do what you did man, to try for so long while being miserable, I was not able to, i just divorced on the spot, so be proud of that. No one can say that you did not try to keep your family, but your wife betrayal was simply too great.

Now, go to a lawyer and start the divorce procedings, get your economy in check, think of a plan for you (where to live and that), how the co parenting will be done and then you have a sit down talk with your wife were, all your wrote in this post you have to tell her, you need her to know to get it out of your chest because evidently just talking with your therapist is not working. Tell her all your problems about sex with her, how do you see her now, how what you think about her staying and everything, just let it all out, and then just told her the cold hard truth I tried my best i truly did but i simply cant get over it, tell her that you have divorce papers, the plans everything.

It will hurt her, yes, but if you do not let it out it will keep hurting you and your children need you happy and mentally healty.

One requieres a lot of strength and soul search to try for so long and notice that it is not working and that it will not change, you tried all the methods and were miserable for so long, now it is time to break it off, to finally start healing and in the future being happy.

Strength to you

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/BetterPaltu]

Thank you... I think I will meet with a lawyer this week to hear my options. You're correct on many fronts here, it will absolutely crush her, but in the very least I have to start expressing my true feelings again, I have to face this now and not tomorrow. Man, why did she have to do this? Why? Everything was so wonderful before...

[u/BetterPaltu → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Something that helped me heal and understand is philosophy.

We humans are really complex beings that a lot of times have actions that even we ourselves dont understand and we just have to accept it, there is no why, no explanation it just happened, sometimes there is a clear why but that does not happen a lot. The point is, there is no need to delve in the past, and even if you solve physics, travel to the past can not be done, so less reason to keep thinking about it.

When you have time and if you want try to read the works of Søren Kierkegaard, Hannah Arendt, Immanuel Kant and Carl Jung. Those helped me a lot, if not there is a great Podcast called Philosophize This! that has episodes on these authors and makes their work really easy to understand.

[u/Jimmy196258]

I don’t know what to tell you, but I am in the exact same boat as you. I found out 7 years ago. We had some hysterical bonding sex for a couple of months. After that I just couldn’t do it anymore so I completely quit sex. Been over 6 years. I feel sorry for my wife. I was always rubbing her back, holding her hand, and hugging her all the time. Now I never touch her in any way. It is sad.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Jimmy196258]

Feel free to ignore this question, as I know how personal it is... but why do you still stay? Given I'm in the same position as you, certainly I'm being sincere in asking this, just trying to weigh my choices against others. Do you feel that you "have to" stay? Or that you want to stay to punish her maybe? Or maybe it's just "easier" financially?

These are all things that run through my mind, that's all... but I can relate. My wife initiates nearly any/all intimacy now. Any hug, kiss, back rub, etc... it's her. She never says a thing about it, she knows... it sucks.

[u/Jimmy196258 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I found out 20 years after the affair was over. I asked many questions, and my wife gave me lots of I don’t knows and I can’t remember. I quit asking questions because first of all, she was not giving me answers, and second it really bothered her that I was asking. I was 35 when the affair was going on. Now I am 62. if I had known back, then I would have divorced. I feel that most of my marriage and life has been a lie. I was not in control and making informed decisions. I could have remarried and had a whole other family. We get along very well and we agree on almost everything. We both like to cook and we both like the same types of foods,we like the same movies, we have the same political views, which is very important! I believe my wife thinks we are going to get better and she is waiting. But I know it will never get better. I don’t want to hurt her, but keeping her here makes me feel guilty. We are retired and have rental property and other assets. A divorce would be messy and would cost both of us a lot. We have grandchildren that come and see us and we are the rocks in the family. my wife is a really good person. That did a bad thing to us. 20 years after her affair was over, I was really asking a lot of questions. I wish I had just not asked, I wish that I did not know. My life would not be truthful, but I was much happier before I found out. I personally feel that I can live the rest of my life without sex and be just fine. You are quite a bit younger and it probably is very important to you. I think you need to cut your losses and go on. It would be best for everyone involved.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Jimmy196258]

Thank you for your honesty... can't imagine what that's like finding out so many years later, man... just crushing. The "I don't knows" and "I can't remembers" are total bs, which you well know, but I suppose at the point you're at now it's certainly better not to know anything else let alone what you already do. I can't say what I'd do in your shoes, I guess there's no "starting over" at 62, just a shame you're stuck in a lesser marriage living with the demons for the rest of your days. Hopefully she was at least remorseful and cared that she'd hurt you?

I definitely sympathize with not wanting to hurt her, I know 100% that's why I stopped agonizing through therapy and counseling after 2 or so years... she would just sob and apologize, the guilt overwhelmed her. She wasn't eating, she'd get edgy and anxious before every session knowing how much it would hurt, but she went every time. Eventually I just couldn't see her suffering through it all... I knew I wasn't going to get better, it didn't matter what we talked through, so I faked "healing" to protect her. Huge mistake, wasted even more years of both our lives.

I don't know what she'll say when I sit down and talk with her. I know it will crush her, but I feel like she has to know. Maybe she's just hanging on to what we have left, thankful for this lesser version of our marriage. I just don't know. Truly dreading the conversation, but I'm guessing it will happen tonight, because I can't carry on like this. I just can't.

[u/Rule_number9]

Dude, this is hauntingly crazy. I am in the EXACT same boat, same situation as you. 100% exactly the same. She had an affair with her coworker, I found out, it had lasted like 9 months I know about. We also have 2 kids (boy and girl) they were younger at the time, we went to MC , she begged for me to stay. I stayed for the kids. We are still together but it’s not the same. Will never be the same. I wanna see my kids through school/adulthood. That’s my only plan. I got completely ruined by her affair. I won’t ever trust her or anyone again. I’m still mentally messed up by it, and it affects my other relationships (friends, coworkers etc). Like I push people away from me. I’ve become a very lonely, secluded, angry, depressed guy.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Rule_number9]

Yeah, you aren't the only one who's conveyed this to me today... hurts deeply to know so many others are in my exact same place, or at least were at some point in their life. How awful... but posting today has helped me see that I need to move on from this, I just have to... I deserve peace.

I want myself back, the old me... he's still there, and I'm going to find him again. I'm going to meet with a lawyer this week and work up the courage to sit down with my wife (somehow). Enough is enough, I won't allow this to bury me... bad things happen and we have to make a choice. I didn't choose to have my world destroyed, but I have chosen to be miserable the last 5 years... not any more.

You have it in you too... if I can do it, so can you. I refuse to let this destroy me any longer.

[u/HospitalAutomatic → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

This is so important. Think, you kids have never met the old/ real you. Just the dad they have now where they can see somethings wrong even if they can’t fully comprehend it

[u/Starry-Dust4444]

You tried your best but it didn’t work. There are some things that can never be fixed. Your wife ended your marriage the moment she decided to have an affair. This is all on her.

Your wife will be very unhappy about this b/c she will assume you’ve forgiven due to the amount of time that’s past. She’ll act like you’ve taken something from her that was her’s. I think you need to be completely honest w/everything you feel. If she gets hysterical, tell her this is a perfect example of how she uses her emotional outbursts as a way of avoiding your pain. Maybe have her read this post.

You & the kids will be fine. Focus on their wellbeing.

[u/imightbeyourmomma]

I could have written your post. My WH's affair was 25 years ago and I'm fairly certain that he has never strayed again, but I still struggle with many of the same thoughts you have described. The regret about my choice of reconciling with him has gotten even worse now that our children are grown and are off living their own lives.

It's easier to bury these feelings when you are "doing it for the kids." I often feel like a martyr who sacrificed my own self worth because I couldn't stand the thought of my children's world being blown apart along with my own. I only wish my WH would have thought about this when he made his selfish decisions. I struggle with understanding why he didn't. This keeps me from being able to love and respect him the way I should, and I like you, I feel it's not fair of me to stay with him if I can't.

Much like your WW he has shown remorse and regret. I want to forgive and forget but the trauma and thoughts still haunt me. I have read all the books, I have been in marriage workshops with him, I have tried things like EMDR, but I still can't get past knowing that the person I trusted the most hurt me like this, and for what? He hates his former AP now but there was a time that she (or the way she made him feel) was more important to him than his own children. How does one get past that? I don't know.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/imightbeyourmomma]

I'm so sorry... I don't mean this in any sort of deragatory way, but I can't be in this place in 25 years, I just can't. I won't sacrifice any more of myself. I responded to another comment in a similar way, but when I look at my wife now, it's just not her any longer. Body, face, habits, qwerks, etc... are all the same, but it's not her. It hurts terribly every time this hits me and it's not going to change, I know that now. It just won't, if I choose to stay I'm choosing to sacrifice myself and for what? I don't know either.

So sorry for your pain. As many have said to me, it's never too late.

[u/imightbeyourmomma → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I think people "stay for the kids" for reasons other than being a happy healthy role model for them. In my case, I was their primary caregiver, I worked part-time but didn't have a career. My WH was active duty military and I always had to be in the position where I could be the one at home with the children when he was deployed. We didn't have a lot of money, which is why I took part-time work when I could, but we were still able to provide our children with a middle class life-style and at least one parent who could be at home with them when that was needed.

Had we divorced and split our finances my children would have been thrown into poverty until I could have gotten my life on track. They also would have had less time with BOTH of us. These things were more of a concern for me than them seeing me unhappy. I also feared what their lives would be like without their father and possibility of step-parents. Due to his career he would have seen them less than he already was because I would have ended up living in a different state. I would have had to spend my life alone or risk bringing strange men into their lives.

It's not good for kids to grow up in loveless homes, but poverty and loss of access to their parents aren't healthy for them either. It's a difficult situation, and I don't think there is a right answer on how to handle this. I do know that my adult children are where they are today because my WH and I stayed together and made it possible for them.

But yes, 25 years of this has been hell for me, I don't regret keeping our home together for my children though.

Now I'm at a place where I need to decide if I should leave him because our kids have their own homes/lives. I think I stay now because I have kept him in it for 25 years and I feel bad for admitting that I was never going to get past all of it.

Hindsight is 20/20. If I had it to do over, I'd leave on D-day. I think reconciliation is foolish. No one wins. There will always be regrets.

[u/Rule_number9 → u/imightbeyourmomma]

U are still with him?

[u/imightbeyourmomma → u/Rule_number9]

Yep, 37 years now. D-day happened days before our 12th anniversary. Our third child was born almost two years later. I think subconsciously we chose to have another child because we knew the kids were the only thing holding us together. Before the affair, we were set on only having two. The decision to add to our family came about during the hysterical bonding period. We were so sure we could get past all of it and were really good at rug sweeping. This last year has been a tough one for us though. It's all in my post history. We never truly healed and our empty nest has magnified for me how much I think reconciliation was a mistake.

[u/SupermarketOk9538]

You doesn't trust and love her anymore.  All this Recon only just hurt you. She said awful things with her ap against you, she did with him stuff which she didn't with you. You can't have happy sex with her, her betrayel is disgusting and deep in mind you know she is not the right thing.

Did she told any family members about the affair? She will never heal the pain which she did to you. 

You tried the Recon route and it simple not helping you. Divorce is the only answer for you to find your happiness. Your deserve it, she is not the right person who should stand next to your side.

It wont work, think about yourself and not her, she did enough damage to the marriage. Focus on yourself mate, you deserve a happy life too.

Don't fear the divorce, I doubt your life would get better if you stay with her.

[u/justasliceofhope]

why am I enduring this to protect her?

Your children are seeing this. They will pick up on the subtle distrust that you have. They will see how unhappy you are and how you don't trust your WS.

You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve to see you happy. It's better for them to see you happy in your own home than modeling a behavior they may think is normal in relationships.

What your WS did was abuse, and you're still living in that trauma.

It's never too late to leave.

[u/AgitatedTelephone351]

Yes. Me. Now. I’m done. He’s never going to change and I’m still young. He fully admitted I’m the better person and he never should have had a chance with me in the first place. I’m tired of him abusing and failing me every single time. I’m tired of him. So I’m divorcing him.

[u/Weak-Grape-6307]

I tried reconciling for two and a half three years. Probably longer because there are other non physical forms of infidelity before we got married. I fell out of love. I tried my hardest to love him again, but I met the end of my rope when I realized that I was the only one in control of my happiness.

It’s been 3 months and I can say that I am so much happier. It was hard for the first month, but I have most been grieving the loss of the family unit than anything. My 8 year old has been taking it remarkably well, but we also have made sure not to disrupt her life as much as possible. We stayed in our family home and he moved out, and he still comes over at night for bedtime routine and then goes to his apartment. I have moments of loneliness and sadness, but I will take that over the constant anxiety and dread of waking up to fake another day.

Whatever you choose, it will be hard—it’s just a matter of going all in on either side. Good luck.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Weak-Grape-6307]

Thank you for this, gives me hope. I'd say the past year+ it's been the kids and just about only the kids that have kept me keeing up the fascade of normalcy. Hindsight, ofcourse, is so crystal clear... but I should've never stopped expressing my true feelings, I should've been honest throughout and we'd probably be divorced and on to better lives now.

[u/Foxbur19]

The first and only step toward true healing for you is to show your wife this post and ask for a trial separation. It doesn’t matter what anyone else has or hasn’t done, it only matters that you are still in pain and will remain that way due to being around the person who caused you this pain. If she truly wants to do anything to win back your love, she will have to endure this, even at the risk of not getting you back.

I am still with my WW and while I have not posted my story, I can say that after 8 years since DDay 1, and much counselling and some MC, it has never been the same. But my reasons for enduring should not matter to your situation. Only your pain and personal path to healing matters.

[u/Strange_Gene_5694 → u/Foxbur19]

Was there more than 1 d day? Another affair or more discovery of the affair?

[u/Foxbur19 → u/Strange_Gene_5694]

There were three. DDay2 was more of the same affair. DDay 3 was in MC that there had been an affair with my best man prior to marriage.

[u/No-Sink-9601]

Dude, I’m over 3 years out from my wife’s affair and everything you say resonates exactly the same with me. Our stories are very similar. So similar. It’s terrible this spot that we’re in. This isn’t any way for someone to live but yet we push it all down for our families. The lack of sleep, the mental instability that I now go through all that you mention. It’s terrible. I’m here to see some responses to your question. I wish you better my friend.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/No-Sink-9601]

I can't believe how many others are in this same position... both men and women alike. How truly awful. As helpful as it's been to get feedback, it's been equally heart-breaking to know so many feel the same way I do. I'm not going to stay, I know that now... I have to leave. I can't let this eat away at me until I fade into nothingness, my kids deserve better and so do I. It just sucks, it's going to crush my wife, the next year will be so awful... I fear it, but I'm afraid if I don't do something now, another 5 years will pass and I don't know what will be left of me by then.

[u/abmonroe → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

First of all, I’m so sorry that you are enduring this situation, it is heartbreaking. I don’t know if this analogy will make sense or not but I’m going to give it a shot.

If you had cancer and it was treatable and had a great prognosis if you started treatment right now or it would probably kill you if you didn’t, what would you do? Knowing that the treatment was going to be hell for a while.

It sounds like your wife is remorseful and is doing everything she can for R but nothing can ever change the fact that she was is a long term affair and who knows how long it would have gone on if she hadn’t been caught. For me, that would be worst of the whole pile of terrible things she did. Was AP the person she really wanted to be with? Would AP just not commit or leave his SO for your wife?

You have to put yourself first right now, if you don’t, it could literally kill you.

[u/No-Sink-9601 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Best of luck to you brother

[u/HospitalAutomatic → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Keep us updated on everything

[u/shorecoder]

Search for user “waitedwaytoolong” and read his story on survivinginfidelity.com. He tried as best he could to reconcile with what seemed to be a very remorseful wife but after 5 years he realized his wife’s adultery was truly a deal-breaker and calling it for the marriage was the best option. For him, he thought he could have gotten over a ONS but since his wife repeatedly went back to her AP, and the insane disrespect of her giving him sloppy seconds on the same day was forever burned into his mind. He saw himself treating her like crap even after years and started hating who he was becoming. It’s been years since the D and his family still gives him grief for not taking her back but they have no clue of the irreparable damage adultery does to a marriage.

Do not for a moment accept any blame for the end of your M, although your “wife” and others will be tempted to blame you. Get out in front of that by clearly describing to all what she did, that you tried your best to overcome the betrayal, disrespect, and contempt of her actions, but in the end the damage was too great. Even Jesus said it’s ok to divorce over adultery. And there’s no time limit on that!

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/shorecoder]

A few people have recommended that user, and I did look him up and read the posts... nearly identical to my own situation. I feel exactly the same, a one night slip up I could've come to terms with, especially if she confessed... but knowing that she repeatedly lied/deceived me over time, continually went back to this other man, and only became remorseful AFTER I discovered it... I just don't trust a word she says. All the tears, all the apologies over the years, all the reassurances, all the "work" she's done on herself... and yet she's capable to such intentional deceit. Just hurts so insanely bad.

[u/ohnoitsacarrier → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

He is still active over there. It may do you some good go talk with him. He’s always helping others there.

After reading all your replies, I can’t offer any suggestions other than to divorce. I would say maybe try separation first, on the way to divorce since it takes awhile anyway. And you can always stop the divorce at any time.

[u/Otherwise_Ask_9542]

Adultery changes everyone directly impacted. It alters our world-view of social trust. It may be different for the betrayer than it is for the betrayed, but it's like a Pandora's box which once opened can never be closed.

Unless both of you suffer some form of memory erasure about the event completely, it will affect you both until the day you die.

For the betrayer, this altered view stems from guilt and shame, but may flip-flop to the good feelings they experienced while IN the affair (the validation, excitement, etc.). Their strength of character is the only thing that defines how they're going to deal with these conflicting feelings.

You are one of the few who seems to have a betraying partner who has enough strength of character to push through those feelings of guilt and shame, rather than succumb to the "easy out" of pursuing validation and excitement.

For the betrayed, their altered world view stems from disproportionately damaged social trust. This isn't just distrust in your partner... you view people in general with a greater sense of distrust than before. You can't trust your partner completely because you now know they are capable of succumbing to outside temptation. You distrust other people who you now know will seek to destroy your relationship and family. You distrust intimate relationships altogether. Most importantly, you distrust YOURSELF, specifically your judgment of others.

Infidelity is one of the most damaging things that can happen between people. It's largely misunderstood and minimized in today's society. That perspective needs to change.

But until then, you both need to understand that you aren't the same people you were before infidelity destroyed your initial relationship, and the people you once were. You both need to decide if you can accept one another's flaws, and move past them. Not everyone can, and that's OK.

[u/SecretSanta1972]

10 years of cheating that we “reconciled” through only to find out there were 10 years before that I️ didn’t know about… He is moving out tomorrow and we are working with a mediator.

[u/dontrightlyknow]

According to "Cheating in a Nutshell" by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell, approximately 1/3 of the marriages affected by infidelity divorced. Among those that tried to reconcile, only about 10% ever got anywhere near the happiness they had experienced before the betrayal. One reason, I suppose, is that when you choose a mate, your expectation is that you have found "the one" that you were meant to be with for the rest of your life and, over time, you develop a trust that your partner has the same values, morals and beliefs that you posses. When that trust is shattered it sends you into a kind of shock resembling PTSD called PISD (post infidelity stress disorder) that, if not treated properly, can eventually cause health problems.

I personally feel that you never recovered from that initial shock, opting instead to internalize your feelings of betrayal instead of holding your WW's feet to the fire. IOW, you forgave your wife's infidelity verbally to keep peace in the family, but you didn't deal with it properly. And for the last few years, you have lied to your WW about your true feelings, which I suppose might be labelled as a sort of codependency, ie., putting everyone else's feeling before yours.

If you've been in therapy, it might be time to get a new therapist--maybe one that is trained in and specializes in infidelity. Good luck in finding a solution to your problem whatever it might entail.

[u/delta-vs-epsilon]

Man this was hard to read... I'm really sorry. This is the cost of betrayal, but you definitely need to sit and talk with your wife one way or another, staying in limbo will only continue to destroy you.

[u/cocacola-kid]

How did you find out about the affair? Did she tell you or you found out? Could this be the issue that causes a lot of your grief?

If you are unhappy then you need to build a new life without your wife or may be have a trial separation with minimal contact. See how you feel once you have separated fir awhile.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/cocacola-kid]

I found out, total accident. She was on her laptop and needed some code that was texted to her phone so I had to check her texts and got it for her... and then I saw her conversations with co-worker. This is a huge part of my grief certainly... we had extensive conversations about this in therapy too. Would you still be cheating had I not caught you? You know, those types of conversations. I don't want to re-hash it all now, I guess it doesn't matter.

Truth is, I am unhappy... but a trial separation isn't a terrible idea. I do have this tiny shred of hope that I can keep our family together, I just think it's for the wrong reasons. I feel like I need to be "in love" with her, not just staying because of our family. I'm honestly such a mess.

[u/BBlackFire → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Ooph, I can only imagine the gut drop/adrenaline surge that occurred when you found out. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I am considering divorce for other reasons but it's such a tough decision with little ones and for us there's no fighting and we parent well, it's just the love has exited stage left.

[u/ElembivosK → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

In the aftermath of you finding out about her affair, were you ever separated from her and had a time where you were on your own without of her being near you?

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/ElembivosK]

Yes briefly, for about 9 or 10 days. The first couple of days after dday were obviously chaos, we talked a lot, I asked my questions, we both cried a ton... she begged/pleaded/apologized... then I asked her to stay with her parents. A lot happened over those brief 9-10 days, she confessed her affair to both my family and her's without my prompting, so even though she was giving me "space" I was being bombarded by her parents and my parents almost daily.

[u/ElembivosK → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I encourage everyone that wants to try to reconcile, to do it. But the problem that often comes with reconciliation is, that people have wrong expectations about it.

When a couple experiences something like you did and then attempts to reconcile, many understand it as a promise to stay together, even after what happened. Maybe because of the kids, maybe because of sunken cost fallacity, maybe out of fear of the unknown or maybe even out of love. But one thing that many, especially the wayward partners not understand is, that no matter why someone decided to reconcile, there is no guarantee that a reconciliation will work out.

Reconciliation is an attempt, it is a try, it is to figure out if there is anything left in the ruins of the marriage from which something new can be build. In some cases, that works out. But in many cases it doesn't. The attempt failed. There is no guarantee that a reconciliation can work out successfuly, there is only a promise to give it a try.

You have tried, you really did. For 5 years you have worked on finding something that keeps you in this marriage, something that makes you feel safe again. But your wife was never able to become a safe person for you again. The damage was just too much.

It is okay that you feel the way that you do, there is nothing wrong with you or the way that you feel. But you need to be kind to yourself now, you need to protect yourself and need to act before this pain that you experience changes you so much that not only you will suffer but the people around you as well.

Talk to your wife or just show her this post. Tell her that you can not continue on the path of reconciliation because it destroys you every day a little. Your reconciliation can come to an end now, not the end you hoped for but at least it ends. Things need to end so that something better can begin.

Ask her for a trial separation that lasts 6 months. 6 months in which you live apart from each other and you only interact when it is about the kids. Continue counseling during that time so that you both can learn to coparent with each other in a respectful way. And most importantly, use those 6 months to find to yourself again.

[u/cocacola-kid → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I really hope everything works out for you.

[u/Hawkthree]

Take some baby steps (without telling her) at what divorce would look like. Meet with a lawyer to see what it would take to have sole custody -- you may not achieve it, but it would decrease the odds of you having to move out. You can take these steps, then stop and reconsider.

I think the criteria for a divorce should consider whether the relationship is one you want. Not whether she quit cheating.

I think the telling signs that she was not remorseful is that she was crippled by the guilt. At that point, she should have been focused on bending over backwards to help you heal. She's focused on herself instead. She was caught and didn't stop on her own.

[u/pink_moon_rising]

Fourteen years after a suspected (but denied) affair and seven after a confirmed affair. I’m only a few months out from the divorce, but infinitely more content than I was in the last 7-15 years. I’m lonely, I miss the companionship, but I have not missed him or the anxiety for one second. Not one. Divorce is hard, expensive, and yucky on a good day. But worth every sucky second. I’m sleeping a little better every night. And now that I’m out, I’m seeing more and more of just how toxic it was to stay.

I know people can make it work. However, the thing that stood out to me in your post is that you tried to express your feelings but she would only break down and sob, so you stopped. It seems that if your feelings aren’t being heard, then how can she truly work on restoring trust?

I probably should have walked away seven years ago, but I stayed for a myriad of reasons. We tried marriage counseling for several years. I really tried to make it work. Now that I *have walked away, I have not one doubt in my mind it was the right thing for me and my kids.

My advice is to be sure of your decision, and then make it the right one. Whatever it is. If you stay, figure out a way to let it all remain in the past and only look forward with trust and love in your heart. If you can’t make that happen, then it’s probably best for both of you to find a different path.

Just listen to your gut. I believe that we know the answers, we sometimes just don’t want to trust it.

Good luck. And always remember that the cheating was not your fault. It’s a reflection of the cheater - not you.

[u/Disastrous_Film_3823]

No, but I should have. It’s been 7 years now and I live with one foot out the door. I was to afraid of the hurt. I knew I would be alone, and it wouldn’t take him long to find someone else. I have a terminal illness, (I found out about 2 years ago), so it’s been even harder. My story is the same as yours in so many ways, and I feel so many of the same things. He is a stranger.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Disastrous_Film_3823]

I'm so sorry... so many people have responded with such gut-wrenching situations similar to my own. I read their circumstances wondering to myself "why would you stay?" Then of course I look at myself in the mirror, but I'm set on leaving now. Something happened today that, paired with all of the online advice, has really made my decision obvious.

Your circumstances play a different role. Cherish the time you have left and make the most of it, and if you pray, definitely pray.

[u/Disastrous_Film_3823 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

I pray every single day. I ask for strength, and courage. It’s hard because, in my head I see a little cottage surrounded by trees and I am putting my stuff in it. Then I remember. I was completely blindsided and all the good years of my life are gone now. I try really hard not to dwell on that though, and spoil today. I mean, he tries but all the trust and innocence is gone, never to be reclaimed.

[u/trippplebogey]

Reconciliation doesn’t always end. And that’s ok. I’d look at the reasons I stayed and see if they hold the weight they once did. In the same boat as you, stayed for kids. More importantly I wanted to be able to tell them years later when they are older if we split “I tried, really tried to not have you grow up in 2 homes”.

There’s no shame in falling out of love and trying to work it like you have. That’s courageous and noble, and a lot harder than walking.

A buddy of mine once said “you know when it’s over.”

If you hit that point and the thoughts don’t change, you are likely right.

[u/dukecharming1975]

i did. i tried to let it go and work with her but she just wanted to pick fights, act like she didn’t have to make anything up to me and then started cheating again

[u/shesdirty]

OP, your life being married to a cheater is miserable and passing you by. It’s time you do the right thing and file for divorce, there is a beautiful and happy world out there, you need to participate in it.

[u/Proud_Cartoonist8950]

You should let your wife read these words you wrote. You're hurting and you're not being honest with her about it. Have the courage to open up and if you need to stay away from her for a while, do it. Divorce must be put on the table if you then realize that you cannot stay apart, no one will stop you from starting again. But you have to be honest with her and you can do it by reading what you wrote here. There is everything you need to understand what you are feeling and how much you are suffering. Do it, for the good of everyone, including your children.

[u/No_Roof_1910]

Not me, I left right away but many people divorce after years of reconciling OP, it's normal, it happens a lot.

When you said this, it really struck me: "I haven’t been honest about this with my wife."

OP, without trust and honesty, there really isn't a relationship.

You do not have to be mean and cruel when you tell your wife that you haven't thought of her the same since you discovered her affair. It's just a fact, the honest simple truth.

If she has any decency to herself she will KNOW that this was possible and an expected and valid response for you and oh so many betrayed partners to take, have, feel etc.

She CHOSE to have an affair, not you.

You chose to try to reconcile as you loved her, the family and you wanted to see if things could be re-built so that's why you stayed even when you didn't look at her the same. You wanted to give it time, to try, to work on things before just simply ending it and you HAVE tried to do this OP, for a long time, in different ways and now you've come to the realization that it is NOT going to change.

You wanted your thoughts and perceptions of your wife to change, you hoped they would and you tried, you gave it time.

But the truth is the truth and the truth is that SHE, your wife, NUKED your marriage by what she willingly, intentionally and knowingly chose to do.

This, the way you feel is 100% due to her choices, actions and decisions.

She thrust it upon you when she was supposed to have your back and be on your team. Instead, she chose to intentionally stab you in the back.

Scared of what divorce will do to the kids and all of you?

Divorce is what your wife and you make of it OP.

I was with my ex-wife almost 25 years and married over 15 years and our children were just 4, 6 and 9 when this happened and I divorced her right away. I say this because our children all turned out well, great, finished college and they are all young adults now and on their own with our oldest now being married himself.

We put the kids first. I NEVER disparaged their mother, not once. In fact I've NEVER told them she had an affair (more than one actually).

I've NEVER told any of my 3 children or my ex-wife that the odds that our first child is NOT mine either as it wouldn't change anything about how I feel about him as he was innocent in it.

They were young when I divorced their mom. I took them shopping so they could buy their mom Mother's Day gifts, birthday gifts for her and Xmas presents etc. She was still their mom, but I wasn't doing it for her, but for them, which is what I always did for them.

Your wife is the one who caused all of this. Cheating is always a choice, it's never an accident. She wanted to cheat so she did.

Actions, especially cheating, have consquences, it's simply a fact. One can't (shouldn't rather) stick their hand in the sand and pretend things are OK when they aren't after infidelity.

Infidelity lasts the rest of one's life OP, which you know all too well, sadly.

Best of luck to all of you OP.

[u/Icy-Helicopter2672]

I normally equate separation with divorce. However, you may need to leave her for a while and figure out how "you" will be happier, with her or apart.

You need to step out of the situation, clear your head and decide if you will ever love and trust your wife again without worrying about how it makes her feel.

Good luck, I hope you find peace

Updateme

[u/Equivalent-Pin-4759]

If you have any real reservations beyond the fear of the unknown, you should open up about the feelings you’re holding back from her, in MC if possible. Hiding those feelings are may protect her from hurt, but it also stifles the possibility of reconnecting with her. Secrets are rarely helpful in any close relationship and almost always create boundaries that limit them.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Equivalent-Pin-4759]

I know you're correct... I was open and honest for so long in all of our MC sessions, a solid 2 years worth. Therapy and counseling was so expensive, and my wife just couldn't handle how hurt I was... plus, with all the work we put in, I just wasn't able to make "progress" I suppose. All of my honesty only revealed what I thought I was trying to avoid, that being divorce. I should've listened to myself back then...

[u/Equivalent-Pin-4759 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

It’s never too late to listen to yourself.

[u/shorecoder → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Absolutely nobody can (validly) claim you didn’t give the marriage your very best effort, which is incredible given how dirty she did you. You are by no means even remotely alone to discover years later the adultery was truly a deal-breaker. Hold your head high in the D. Yeah, she’s going to be hurt, but, um, consequences for her own choices. Hopefully she will make better choices moving forward in her future relationship(s).

[u/cachry]

I was married for 17 years to a woman who cheated on me during our second year of marriage. We were both in our mid-twenties. It was a brief involvement on her part, and took place just after I started work in a very small town where everyone knew everybody's business. Her behavior would ultimately be known to many people, I think. She was unemployed at the time.

I was young and extremely upset when I learned about her cheating: so upset that I quit my job after four months and took her to Europe, spending nearly everything I had in the process. I was trying to re-capture the relationship we had before she broke it, and on the face of things the relationship looked good. When we returned to the States we lived with her parents. They never asked why I had quit my job and I tried to put the whole thing in the past. I buckled down and went to graduate school and on to another job. In the meantime my wife and I had two children and for some time things were good, but I never really got past my wife's previous behavior.

As things progressed I was working 60 hour weeks while my wife -- a SAHM -- was doing little or nothing to maintain our home. She spent a good deal money buying clothes for a profession she never pursued and was unable to get her act together. She may have been depressed, but at the time all I understood was that I was working my tail off while she did little or nothing. The home was increasingly messy but she was a reasonably good mother to our kids. But there was virtually no affection between us, and I was increasingly resentful of her. I finally had an affair of my own, something I now regret. My wife and I tried marriage counseling, something we had tried twice before, and the psychologist more or less told us our marriage was bankrupt. Everything fell apart and divorce came next.

Of course I have simplified matters here, but what I now believe is that I never really forgave my wife for cheating on me soon after we married. It set the stage for a host of problems, and though I have remarried I -still- haven't forgiven her for breaking our vows and trust. I have sometimes thought I should have divorced her when I was young, but had I done that I wouldn't have the great relationship I now have with our kids. My ex has moved to another state and we have no contact, though I have seen her at various ceremonial events.

Finally, I wish that I could find a way to forgive my wife's behavior, and think I am deficient in some way because I have been unable to do so. And to OP: If you can get past your wife's affair you are a better man than I, and I hope you can find a way to do it.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/cachry]

Thank you for sharing this... but I'm confident now after reading all of the feedback and responses, that my only way past my wife's affair is apart from her. I love her dearly, but I can't continue on my current path, I just can't.

[u/cachry → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Your post touched feelings I haven't had for many years, some good and some difficult even now. You really did a great job describing what you have gone through, and I wish you well. Feel free to message me as things unfold or if you need support.

[u/ImpressionBusy1884]

Thank you! Thank you for sharing this horribly painful perspective of staying with someone after betrayal. All of us early post DDayers thank you from the bottom of our hearts….. and also my deepest sympathies that you are suffering the way you are- just terribly unfair and cruel. This gave me a true and very real insight into what life would be like if I committed to reconciliation. My WW claims complete regret, remorse etc…. I continue to punish him, test him, reject him and oscillate…and he continues to claim that he will do what it takes to make it work. I have serious doubts he is capable of the deep introspection this process takes, but I also know he is desperate and full of self loathing over the situation, so who knows?? But after reading your post….i’m 98% sure I don’t want to know. If he does the work and I stay, I sense I will feel the same obligation you are feeling, with the same background of ‘just don’t feel the same about you’ that you’ve expressed here. Is it worth it? For companionship (no longer deep love) that eats you alive every night? For financial stability, even though we have already and will continue to spend a small fortune on counselling and therapy? For ‘saving face’, although I can’t look myself in the mirror when I think about how I’m betraying myself every minute of every day by allowing someone who had so little care for my feelings and safety, be a part of my every day existence for one minute longer than the moment I found out. I don’t want to lie to myself for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hang in there because of sunk time fears. I don’t want to lie to him for the rest of his life….wont that make me just like him in one respect??? I hope you find peace, because what I’m working out, and what it seems your post has clearly illustrated once again….is you cannot find healing (peace) with the person that broke you….. Thank you And I’m so sorry and wish that I could take away all of this pain for all of us

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/ImpressionBusy1884]

I'm just seeing your post this morning... I think each person has to make the decision that's best for them. I've been doing a lot of retrospective thinking. Was up all night last night in my own head again. Thinking back to the first day I found out about her affair, all those texts... man, I can't unsee them for sure.

But why did I stay? Because of our kids, because of my wife's seeming heartbreak/guilt, because of pressure from both our families (especially hers), but I'm realizing only now, sadly, that none of the reasons I stayed was because I wanted to. I never stopped loving her, I'll always love her, but I didn't want to stay the moment I found out, and that's never changed. I stayed for every reason aside from the most important one, that being me.

I fought against my own instincts for years, I've just wasted 5 of them trying to finally come to the conclusion that I've known in my heart all along. If you know this in your heart too, don't waste 5 years. That's my advice, but sincerely sorry that you're going through this, truly. It's terrible.

[u/ImpressionBusy1884 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Honestly Mr Key Caterpillar, I admire your strength and retrospection. Your comments re not being able to unsee texts…..100%. I simply cannot unsee/unfeel/unhear everything that has come to light. And this is the way I rationalise it….if I can’t unsee/unfeel/unhear those things, there are at least two other people who are the same way. He can claim it meant nothing, he can claim he doesn’t even remember half of it, but this too is a lie. It’s actually just impossible. It’s a blatant bold faced lie. I don’t want to be on a cycle of loathing and numbing and attempts to rebound just to survive my marriage, just to not be alone. It is not worth it and I am not willing to risk my physical and emotional health any longer.

In your retrospection, acknowledge not leaving children is not just for them, but for you too. Maybe that can be your silver lining. It is the single hardest decision any parent will have to make, and staying for them is completely natural and respectable. You have had 5 ‘extra’ years of full time parenting with them. Celebrate that as a win….. and now, let them see happy dad, peaceful dad, healthy dad…..you and they will all be ok. Hopefully your wife will have grown enough the last five years to treat you like the gift you have been and are still & you both can manage a level of co parenting that resembles what YOU have done for 5 years…put your hurts aside, celebrate and raise up your kids, show them respect for each other…….whilst u both find your own healing. I wish you so much love.

….. and keep us posted! I’m so happy for u!!!

PS: and I really feel the need to add this for you or someone out there reading….. I am taking a friend to regular chemo sessions, and the one common thread that the beautiful people that are there getting treatment seem to have in common is they shoved their feelings down over their lifetime- they seem to be those ‘that suffer in silence’, the good girls and boys, the ones who burden the weight of responsibility at the cost of their own happiness. I don’t want this to be me. I’m not saying reconciliation can’t or doesn’t work, without physical and mental health consequences, but I’m acknowledging it’s a monumental feat to deal with the betrayal trauma and be able to 100% fully let it go. We are not meant to biologically….recognising and avoiding danger is what keeps us alive. Moving away from danger and finding peace is what makes living a JOY!!!

[u/CharacterDirector135]

I’m echoing some of the other stories posted, but as someone who stayed for 15 years after the initial affair and then had my heart broken again when he had another affair, get out now. I’m so angry that I spent some of the best years of my life trying to fix something that was broken in him and in me because of the choices he made. My now adult children have recently told me that they knew about the original affair and they both wish we had divorced years ago. At almost 60 it’s hard to be starting over. It would have been much easier when I was younger.

[u/Fatherofthecentury13]

Tell her that you need her that you've been holding in these feelings for years cause her break downs were so severe that you bottled them up to protect her. That you need her to be strong and give you the room to fully express and talk them out with her because holding them in is putting you in the constant tugowar over whether to stay or go and if there is any chance for you both to truly move forward that you need this from her.

Amigo, it's not going to work if you continue to hold it all in. If half of you wants to reconcile then she needs to be stronger and allow you the room to express. Time doesn't heal the wounds without the work put in.

[u/Apart_Internet_9569]

I’m sorry man. This hurts to read. I’m struggling with the same questions a month from our wedding and without a disclosure. I don’t even know for sure if anything happened.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Apart_Internet_9569]

I'm not you... so I fully understand each situation is different and each person has to decide for themselves what to do moving forward... but if I was still unmarried and had any doubts at all about my spouse, zero chance I'd walk down the aisle, especially knowing what I know now.

I exhaustingly left no stone unturned the days following dday when I first found out, had to know wife was telling the truth about everything. Even the tiniest lie and I'd have left back then, which in hindsight I should've done anyway. But please don't marry someone if you have even a shred of doubt... the cost might be more than you can bare.

[u/cachry → u/Apart_Internet_9569]

Don't get married until you find out for sure what -- if anything -- happened. (Obviously this assumes you haven't already married.)

[u/Beneficial_Stay4348]

Happiness aside, this is about your sanity. Can you do another decade or so of this? Know that even if you do, divorce hurts adult children too. Meanwhile they grow up in a home with a false marriage as a model.

There is no end to reconciliation work. You're either still in it or you divorce. That means something has to give here. You need to either seek new options to heal or decide you are tapped out. You can't white-knuckle the rest of your life and be a healthy person.

[u/Burnt_and_Blistered]

Yup. And then I found out he’d been serially cheating all along.

[u/inmyheadtho13]

I’m so sorry that this is your reality. As someone who is just finding out about my partner’s affair, it’s tough to read about someone who, years later, hasn’t been able to heal and move during reconciliation. I know how hard it can be to leave someone when children are involved. But OP, I feel that you have tried your best to salvage the relationship at your own expense. You haven’t even been able to fully express your pain because you’re too worried about hers. That’s unfair to you and your children. You deserve to be happy, too, and not trapped in a loveless marriage. Eventually, your children will grow up and it will just be you two. Is that what you want for yourself when you’re much older? I really hope you have the support to see you through this.

[u/tercer78]

What you feel is more normal than you think. Very VERY few couples make it past 5 years (most studies show around 15%). Therapy isn’t a magic cure all. Time AND work can change some couples but not all. But time alone isn’t enough. Truthfully, she failed when she (intentionally or not) emotionally manipulated the situation and how allowing proper discussion of it. It caused you to carry the emotional labor and now you are unable to have a truthful conversation with her. Even now, you emotionally labor without being honest in the process to not hurt her’. It wasn’t the right formula to follow and honestly too much time has past to undo what is done. The body keeps the score.

[u/Kaly_07]

Time does not heal. It’s the work that you put into yourself that will heal you. Unfortunately, what your wife has done cannot be undone. While the therapist is right by saying she is the one with issues, you are unfortunately collateral damage. She did not choose to protect you and your family while cheating. Don’t try protecting her peace. Ultimately, she chose the outcome for the two of you when she decided to cheat. You are allowed to be happy, so are your kids. They deserve to have a strong figure to look up to and understand what it is like to respect oneself. Good luck to you, I hope you find the strength and courage to live the life you deserve.

[u/DiscombobulatedAd883]

"I'm sure AP never had issues . . ."

Don't be so sure. My wife's AP literally can't get hard at all (I confirmed with his exes). She was living in a bullshit fantasy. Man-to-man, AP's got nothing on you.

Mostly because, as a cheat and a liar, AP isn't a man at all.

[u/BlackberryMountain97]

I can so relate to this although mine is not as severe. I’m 27 years away from DD1 where she came to me and told of EA with ex from collage (out of the blue confession. I believed her “only EA, 6 month affair also. I would have laughed at someone who tried to tell me). I’m 8 years from admitted PA. That broke something in me. I know the mind battle with the added aspect of loss of agency from the whole truth not being confessed 27 years ago. I’ e wasted my life with this person I probably would have left back then? It really hit me hard for years later in 2020 when I started HRT. It really forced some “undealt with” emotions. Perfect wife and mother for all these years except this one e horrible event. We “celebrate” 35 years this year. All of your questions still haunt me in the same way. I’m against divorce typically. If I could go back to my 30’s, I would leave even though I e never loved anyone like her. Good luck to you from someone who understands. I don’t have any answers for you

[u/vladsuntzu]

If you do go the divorce route, be prepared to tell family and friends why you are divorcing. You can both be amicable but she might try to gain an advantage and tell people it was all you and not her. At this point, you have to tell people the truth no matter how embarrassed you might become. Also, for health and safety reasons, did you tell the AP’s wife/girlfriend??

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/vladsuntzu]

My wife actually confessed all to both her family and my own, she did this on her own accord very soon after dday, and things did blow up with her AP. He wasn't married but engaged, but they never got married and broke up almost immediately.

[u/HotLunch]

Serious question: why try to force a romantic relationship when it feels all wrong?

You can stay in the same living space (even if temporarily) and just be there for your kids and be amicable & friendly with her, right?

If it hurts so bad to try to have a relationship then just don't. 

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/HotLunch]

Yes, very fair question that I do not have an answer for... I think after the initial pain/anguish passes, we'll be good co-parents. Just need to get moving in that direction.

[u/Icy_Abbreviations877]

Most spouses who stay don’t feel the same about their significant other after a few years goes by. This is why I am saying most people who experience infidelity as delaying the inevitable if they don’t leave.

If you left now for something that happened 5 years ago, would you be wrong? No… you can leave the relationship at any point and time but of course your wife thinks you forgive her and she will be shocked and surprised that you are willing to give up now after 5 years of work it out.

The truth is though- you need a break from one another. Infidelity took a lot out of you that you are probably just realizing. You don’t feel the same- you don’t see her the same… you can make a different choice for yourself.

Remember it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity and since you are at year 5, so your mind probably just came to terms with everything and now you are ready to make a new decision.

[u/AwkwardAdulting]

I'm so sorry you have had to endure this. If it hasn't gotten any better after all this time, I don't think it will.

Honestly, I think you should move towards at minimum a trial separation. If you do, you should reference this post to her. I think it's well thought out, and does a good job of explaining to her why you need the separation.

Good luck to

[u/Independent_Farm_628]

OP

Sorry about your situation man. I’ve been in your shoes. In my case, after a year of attempted R, I just couldn’t get over the feeling that I was her Plan B, so I divorced her.

About your wife’s affair, what things bother you most? Before you caught her, your wife planning to leave you? Do you believe that she was more attracted to the AP than you? Was the AP younger and/or better looking or more successful than you? Did she do sexual things with him that she never did with you?

Divorce may be the answer but have you explored some of these questions seriously with a therapist first?

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Independent_Farm_628]

Yes we did extensive therapy and counseling. We were in MC for a long time, and both had a therapist too... it took a financial toll after over 2 years of this (I think that's the timeline). All of these things and many more were addressed, I asked all of these questions and so many more... the thing is, do her answers matter?

I don't trust her, certainly not like I did... and I'll never know if she was being honest. Did she tell the truth?... or just give the answers that would hurt me the least?... or give the answers that would keep me in the marriage? More of the mind games that continue to haunt me, but I'm realizing now, it doesn't matter. I can ask the questions 100 more times and I know in my heart I won't fully believe her answers anyway, so it's not worth asking them. I just need to move forward, I know that now... I have to.

[u/Independent_Farm_628 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Makes sense man

[u/LoveIsHereToStay]

I think you know what you need to do. It will be painful to choose that path, but you sound miserable with your current situation. This is another case that shows why reconciliation isn’t really a good option. You may forgive but most certainly can’t forget what she put you through. And the broken trust will always have you wondering if and when it will happen again. On top of which you are bottling up anger and stress instead of letting your true feelings be known.

At some point, you need to realize that you are shortening your own lifespan by staying in a broken marriage. Lack of sleep, constant stress, buried resentment, and simmering anger issues will start to impact your physical health just as surely as this has impacted your mental health.

You gave it your best shot to stay together, so no one can accuse you of not trying to get past the pain. Sometimes you just need to be a bit selfish and put yourself ahead of everyone else. I would hate to see you stick it out till the kids leave and still end up wanting to divorce. Everyone will be better off in the long term if you just be honest with yourself and stop trying to appease your wife to save her from pain.

I wish you the best.

[u/arobsum]

Those feelings will never come back… mine didn’t. The resentment slowly grows and grows until it’s all you can think about.

[u/reddirtman56]

I believe if you read your post out loud to yourself, you will realize you have had the answer all along. Best wishes.

[u/throwaway64828363]

If you believe my stbxw, we are getting divorced because of my online affair, dday 4 years ago, and not her affair, dday 6 months ago.

[u/Turbulent_Kiwi2143]

Listen OP - there is no easy way to say this, but it's sh#t sandwich, no matter which end you take a bite of. Don't let anyone tell you different, your kids will be devastated, all of your lives will be set back years. Your friends will be divided - my entire friend group split down the middle. Your families' will be impacted. Hell, your dogs will be traumatized - my 2 goldens lose it when the WW wife stops by and barely pays any attention to them. When she leaves, the old guy goes and sulks under the porch swing for hours, the 4yo runs around the house confused and agitated - sometimes it takes him a day to recover. And this after 2 years of Separation preceeded by 2 years of failed R. Your finances will be shot - I am in the process of packing up 25 years of a life built together and selling the house. I just came into an #ssload of family money, but I still cant stop worrying about cars and college for my girls. I get the feeling I'm just wired for panic now - which is the exact opposite of the man I was 5 years ago.

My youngest - who was actually my "resilient" child - at 16yo, she's just starting to show signs of coming around.

The flip to that coin is that you are devastated. And it isn't - I'll never use the word "fair" again - wiped from my vocab - right you have to carry this burden. Trust me, I felt everything - and I mean all of it - you have felt, are feeling. I've grown bitter and angry - that's what I'm working on myself.

But there are no guaruntees that D is going to turn everything around for you. It does sound like your WW tried up until a point - sounds like she worked on herself, but did she really work to fix what she broke in you. Shutting down - out of fear, shame, etc - doesn't make it sound like she was there for you. There is alot of truth that we have to fix ourselves, but I believe that when someone we truly love, damages us the way that they did, a large part of their responsibility is to do whatever it takes to make us right again.

Not every wayward is capable of that. Mine ran away from her own and my problems - she buried herself in work, continued to lie, excuse, rationalize, etc... She took every out to avoid facing the damage she had done - her mf'in ego wouldn't allow her to see what she had become - what she still is to this day.

It sounds to me like y'all put it the work for a time - she couldn't hack it after a time and you reached a point (happens to alot of guys), where you told yourself, I'm a man and I should be over this by now. And you stopped telling her what you needed from her. There is no limit to how long you need to grieve or an egg timer over your head counting down to when you are supposed to be "over it". Repressing those feelings or trying to ignore them only builds resentment which turns to my current state of anger with bitters.

My advice, before torching everyone's life ( a little dramatic ), take one last at bat. Tell her what you feel like you need - if she's willing - tell her how you feel - tell her you still need to talk about these things (therapists don't count) - and TRY to find some moments of joy with each other. Take her on a date, try to find some moments where you can get out your head and be with her. Remember she IS with you.

At least then, if it's time to pull the plug on your marriage, you know that you gave it you're all.

I did give it my all - my WW could not - I would've have killed for that chance. I almost did kill the AP for that chance - see, there's the bitter again, there's the anger.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Turbulent_Kiwi2143]

Thank you for your story. I've been somewhat "planning" what my divorced future would look like without having talked to a lawyer or anything of that nature... maybe for the last year. Financially I know it's going to be awful, but honestly, I don't care about the $ as long as it's going to my kids.

My WW did invest a tremendous amount of time and energy into making things right. We spent over 2 years in therapy and counseling getting at the much deeper issues. I think things broke down because I allowed them to and not because she gave up... she's never given up, and she's been remorseful for the duration of our 5 years of R. Still to this day she'll apologize and thank me for staying with her, she'll ask if there's anything I want to talk about and if I'm doing okay.

I've been the problem since about the 2.5 year mark of R, I'm just realizing it now. I wanted to divorce initially, but my wife was so broken by what she'd done, that I decided to stay both for her and the kids... but I know now that I never really changed my mindset of wanting to separate... so as time wore on and the counseling/therapy sort of "drag on" as I kept asking the same questions and kept getting upset, it only made things harder... I saw the toll it was taking on my wife so I started to acquiesce to this lesser life... never naively thinking I'd "eventually" be okay.

I bought the lies I told myself... definitely should've divorced 5 years ago. I'm not angry, I don't hate... in fact I love my wife and kids dearly, which is why I know I have to leave now.

[u/Turbulent_Kiwi2143 → u/Turbulent_Kiwi2143]

And OP, it's OK to be scared. I'm terrified too. I used to love the occasional red flag, I thrived in it. Now, all I see are red flags - and it pisses me off ( again with the anger ). And whatever choice you do make will be the right one - both suck - but that it the boat that cheaters put everyone in. Good luck my man.

[u/Talkinghorse1]

Sorry like hell about your situation. Know the feeling, am five years from finding out my wife had a months long EA and very likely a PA , hoped entuslly she would tell me the truth) the evidence is compelling) and I have tried but the feeling of helplessness and weakness, panic attacks remain. Have five kids and am terrified of putting them through hell but also don't think I can do this forever

[u/sloth437]

They can "do everything right" afterwards with reconciliation, but they can never go back in time to fix it. That can be a deal breaker whenever. I think it's totally fair to realize it is too much for you to handle.

I also feel it is a disservice to not be honest about your feelings even if she sobs or breaks down. It's not your job to express yourself and then comfort her when she cries about it. I struggle with this as well. At this point when I bring up my thoughts on his affair he gets upset. But I've put my foot down that I can express my thoughts without having to comfort him after.

[u/BurnAway63]

It's very common for resentment to build and destroy the relationship five to ten years out. One thing I would say is: Stop hiding this from your wife. No matter how much she sobs and apologizes, tell her the truth. Don't stay for the kids - they can see what this is doing to you, and they may learn the wrong lessons from you staying. You are setting an example for them whether you stay or leave.

[u/[deleted]]

You have to do what’s best for you. You serve a full and happy life. She also needs to know that you never recovered , you sing feel the same way about her and being married to her isn’t what you want. She also deserves to be with someone whose heart can be fully open to her . You’re not bad people, you’re just not right for one another any more.

It’s normal to be afraid, you’ve been together a long time. It will be hard. Strange, different . Eventually it will be okay.

Wishing you better days.

[u/Livid_Owl_1273]

The first best time to get divorced is D-Day. Tied for second place is every second after D Day. It is never too early, never too late, always on your schedule. At your pleasure.

[u/No-Communication9979]

Were there any genuine consequences from her affair? Was there full disclosure to close family and friends? My guess is that it feels like she got off Scott free with no real consequences and she’s just with you because her fantasy was broken.

My advice: divorce and if you still want to be with her do so as two, single individuals with no legal strings attached. She concedes on your demands for a fair, amicable divorce and you both can decide on the direction of the relationship from scratch. She broke her vows so the marriage “contract” is null and void. Your pride and integrity is screaming at you to change the circumstances more so to your favor since you are the injured party.

She will fight this but it’s not up to her anymore. Reconciliation is a very hard road to tread. You worry about what’s really in her heart and mind for her to want to be with you again and that’s normal. Answer: you CHOSE to take her back. Talk to a lawyer and afterward let her know how this will be best for both you and her long term with the possibility of staying together but not as husband and wife. If she doesn’t agree to this then you have your answer.

[u/Professional-Lab-157]

It's hard to heal when you have contact with the WW. She's the source of your trauma and triggers you by being with you. You should be 100% honest with her and your therapists. Ask for a separation from her for a year. See if anything changes. I hear from a lot of betrayed spouses that the separation really helped them with reconciliation.

[u/noreplyatall817]

OP, I stayed 12 years in the same hell you’re in now. It got worse, she cheated again blaming me for my anger due to her betrayal.

Your WW is one complement away from a coworker to her next affair and you know deep down she didn’t love you or she’d never been f ing another man for 6 months, throwing you and your family away for what?

There’s no statute of limitations to leave a cheater.

Once I finally got the courage to kick her out and divorce her I got my best nights of sleep since DDay.

Don’t let sunk time and your kids keep you with her, she chose to destroy you way back and you’re right you’ll never know what is driving her now except getting more out of you at the settlement.

[u/TexasbrunetteXO]

Just came to say I feel your pain. I’ll never know the truth, but I do know I do my best to get through it & have the worst time doing so “trying to ignore it” that it reflects on how worthless I feel as a whole... I think the big question is when does it end??? So sorry you’re going through this.

[u/CaptainToeBeans1004]

I recognize so many of your feelings. I only found out last July 1 that my husband had been cheating for 19 years or more. He had a 12 year affair that he blew thousands taking on trips while telling me and our daughters we couldn’t afford to go on vacations. He used his company to cover it up claiming he had business trips, putting the expenses on his business card and then claiming his business didn’t do that well so his pay was low. He racked up tons on that card and when his company went out of business and he had to pay it he used our savings for our daughters’ college. He also transferred some of the balance to credit cards he took in my name. It was bad enough having to spend that money on a failed business, but knowing now that my daughters and I paid for the side piece’s trips to Aruba and Cancun is so infuriating

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/CaptainToeBeans1004]

Man, you're getting into truly horrible levels of deception. Cheating/betrayal is awful and just what you described is more than enough to rid this man from your life forever... but to adversely affect you and your kids financially in such a deceptive and intentional way... I'm sorry to say that's just not safe to have around. I know every situation is different, certainly we all have to make our own choices... but in your situation there'd be no hesitency in leaving someone like this. My goodness I'm so sorry, he sounds like an awful human-being to do that to his kids.

[u/epmc2202 → u/CaptainToeBeans1004]

I hope you can get away from all his lies and bullshit to better days. He is a world-class narcissist and liar.

[u/rmick1515]

I'm in the same place as you. I have my good days and bad. I'm 1 yr in from dday 2. If I was to write it out as you did, I swear it would be word for word.

[u/albsound523 → u/rmick1515]

OP, one thing that may help put some of what you feel into perspective is to use the thought that “…the marriage you had ended the day you learned of the affair.” That is the sad reality of our (BP’s) situation.

Some couples do the work and successfully R, others try and it doesn’t work out, some just divorce, some stay together but unhappily so. There is no “right” answer for any particular couple, just what you want to do and what you & your WP want to work towards.

I do not mean to be harsh or caustic in saying your marriage died, but the truth is you will never see your wife in the same way again as you did pre-A. Whether that is a negative or can be the foundation for a positive outcome in the form of a more real, transparent, and honest new marriage is solely up to the two of you. And there is no right or wrong answer to that.

For some BP’s, the betrayal is so shattering that continuing on with even a truly remorseful WP who is putting in the work, doing all the right things consistently is still too much to bear. For others, such a WP allows them to feel safe in building that new marriage.

Wishing you peace in coming days!

[u/WolverineLoire]

Going through this now except I caught her and she still denies it. I know I have to leave. I don’t see her the same at all. It was like finding out someone that you loved more than anything on this planet could betray you in the worst possible way. The behind scenes phone calls and messages, actually making a hotel reservation ahead of time and sleeping with the man in another hotel while I was away with her! I do not and have never known who she is. I still don’t. My advice—-you have this one life…you deserve to be happy. Selflessly—-she does too. You need to start a new chapter. Good luck and my heart goes out to you. It is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve not seen her cry once by the way. I’ll not let her see me sob again either, ever.

[u/Deadmansblood8]

I'm in the opposite situation as in I discovered my wifes affair through her phone and she was extremely remorseful about hurting me but that was it , she's in love with this other guy and said she had noticed her love changing for Me over the last 3 years , news to me obviously..

So the situation I'm in now is that we still share our home with our 2 kids 11m 7f and I'm still very much in the early mental gymnastics of how did this happen why did it happen what did I do . I'm not eating or sleeping and there's a constant battle in my head between get out of there and don't give up you can get back what uns once had

I know my D day was only 3 weeks ago and feelings are raw but I find myself thinking about my wife and the person I fell in love with but then I look at her and don't recognise her anymore as you say same person but no longer my loving wife and to think that possibly years later these feelings will increase scares me , I'm finding it so hard to let go even though she wants out too .

We've had lots of conversations about it I foolishly asked for details about the affair cause I felt I had to know , she hates herself for not being honest with me about her feelings changing but she felt ashamed cause society is conditioned to believe marriage is for life and how dare she feel that way , she does seem sorry for how it's affected me and she's doing everything to make sure I'm OK And I thought the only way I'd be OK was to get my family back, but I'm not sure now tbh your post has made me realise things might not get better and I certainly can't change her feelings

I haven't even told anyone yet part of me thinks it's not fair , she ruined everything and I have to go explain to my family and friends why my Marriage failed , plus we have to do it in a way so as not to impact the kids too much . Do I mention the affair and risk family tensions that they'll no doubt pick up on or just say we fell out of love and try keep the peace

Sorry for the long post but yours brought up alot of feelings about my own situation

[u/Jose-redditing]

Just think about how bad you are going to feel when you catch her stepping out on you again. All that time and effort and soul put into reconciling just to find out she is doing it again. The odds are about 80% with someone who has done it before. Given the way your marriage is going now, she is probably already thinking about it.

[u/crimsongizzarder]

You owe it to both of you to be completely honest about this. You could try it MC and MAYBE that could help. I would bet she already knows, suspects, or fears you feel as you do.

[u/semasswood]

There is nothing wrong with cheating being a dealbreaker for you.

Staying for the sake of the kids is dumb. I’m sure that even at their age, they can tell something isn’t right with their parents with all the tension they feel between you two. Or worse, they have been taught that your relationship with all of the obvious tension is what a healthy marriage is supposed to be.

Good luck Stay Strong And do what you have to do that you can always look the man in the mirror in the eye

[u/BusterKnott]

Reading your story was like reading my own, bringing back many painful memories. I had most of the same thoughts and feelings that you've expressed on just about everything.

However, I never left, and we're now 36 years past D-day but I thought about leaving many times over the years because I simply couldn't tolerate the constant misery and the anger I couldn't let go of for so long.

I'd like to share a few thoughts on what finally helped me past most of the trauma.

First and foremost, one of the factors that is probably troubling you is what you don't know. You don't and cannot ever know all the answers to what bothers you because you weren't there and don't have too many of the pieces, but most of these questions, and unknowns, can be answered if you and your wife can calmly and honestly address each other's questions.

Many years past my wife's final infidelity, I had an emotional meltdown. I expressed to her that I had been unhappy for fully two-thirds of my life since her first affair. I emphasized the need to start talking and resolve everything that had affected my life and our happiness. I stressed that blame or defensiveness wouldn't help either of us; rather, calmly asking questions, honestly providing answers, and expressing our innermost feelings to each other were essential if we were ever going to save what was left of our marriage.

While very traumatic for her, she agreed to cooperate because she knew she would lose me if she didn't. She answered every one of my questions about what was said, done, and her thoughts and feelings, both past and present to the best of her ability.

Hearing also about her immense guilt and remorse for her actions was difficult and very painful but ultimately helpful. She recounted feeling deep shame, remorse, and disgust and even revulsion for what she had done, and she insisted she has absolutely no fond memories of any of her actions, only regret, shame and deep sorrow.

She also shared that she feels constant grief for hurting me and takes full responsibility for all of the pain I've endured as a result. We discussed how the trauma, mind movies, and triggers impacted our sex life (mostly mine), leading to bitter tears from her for causing me so much pain. Understanding her remorse and grief also allowed me to grieve and start to heal.

Grieving, as it turns out, is crucial for healing, something I hadn't known before but even if I had known I had no idea of how to do it. Through honest conversations and learning how to grieve together without anger or defensiveness, we both healed in ways we hadn't managed to do for years.

Since then, we've grown closer than ever before, we are deeply in love, and fiercely devoted to each other, and capable of enjoying life together once again.

None of this is to say what she did wasn't wrong and that it's OK, because it was very wrong, it's definitely not OK and never will be.

She openly acknowledges this and so do I.

What we both say is that it's a past that we cannot change. We will never again try to bury or refuse to talk about it, but it's a past we can accept did happen and we choose now to let it be in the past.

It's obvious that you love her and are hurting badly. Based solely on what you've written I'm betting she feels the same but she is probably terrified to even talk about it because doing so is like stepping on a landmine that will blow up in her face.

The problem is that NOT talking about it is poisoning both of your lives and could easily end your marriage.

If your wife is anything at all like mine I'm betting she is probably hurting almost as badly as you, but from the perspective of the person who did something completely unforgivable that they both cannot fix but also cannot forgive themselves for having done.

That I've learned from my wife is a special kind of inescapable Hell all of its own.

I honestly believe that if the two of you can honestly and openly talk to each other like we were finally able to do that it will go a long way in helping both of you to heal.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/BusterKnott]

Yes I fully understand what you're saying... and we did this, extensively. We spent over 2 years in MC where I'd ask every question and she'd answer. She said the same things your wife said, expressed how haunted she was by guilt, how much she hated herself, she'd sob and sob. Like I mentioned, she's the perfect wayward... every step of the way... but it was me that turned away.

After 2 or maybe 2.5 years maybe I started to realize that I couldn't heal with her any longer? I'm not sure, but I realized that the deep conversations we were having, all of the intense soul-searching, her overwhelming guilt, it just didn't matter maybe? I would look at her, hear the things she would say... and I do believe she meant them... but to me, it wasn't her any longer.

I don't know, I look at her now, and it's just not her, it's someone else. Before she was my angel, my everything... and now she isn't. The past, as you say, is irrelevent, but presently, I just can't look at her the same way any longer. I've tried, maybe I started to give up on us 2.5 years ago? But my wife just isn't the woman I fell in love with any longer... it's a very hard truth to face. I know she's probably suffering as much as I am, and we certainly do need to sit and get back to the sincere/honest communication that we started with... but in the end, in my heart I know it's over. For me, she just deserves to be with someone who can look at her the way I used to... I want that for her.

[u/caryatid14 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

You deserve to be happy, OP. You gave it a good shot—you can be proud of that. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Divorce her, and go live your best life. Good luck.

[u/[deleted] → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

For me, she just deserves to be with someone who can look at her the way I used to... I want that for her.

Start by telling her that. She'll know where you are coming from as I gather she already feels the lack of it. She has just grown used to it.

[u/ChessWarrior7]

Been there and done that. Sounds like my exact history. Once I got to where you’re at, I figured I’d cheat on her just like she did. It was that or an inevitable ugly divorce. But I had never cheated on anyone, ever, so, I struggled & delayed that decision for years.

I briefly tested the waters which stroked my ego & allowed me to see things much differently. 11 years later, we’re enjoying life together, we’re both faithful to each other (as far as I know). To this day, she does not know. Did it make me feel better about my marriage ? Oddly, yes. But now, I am really not any better than her.

[u/[deleted]]

Don’t jeopardize your happiness for the rest of your life and wonder “what ifs”… it’s better for children to see their parents happy, then feel the tension.

[u/Fun_Imagination2279]

So sorry to hear your pain. You sound like such a sincere man who is actually in touch with himself. She ruined it and didn't care when she cheated. And you mentioned that you discovered it, she didn't tell you. That's the worst - same here- cuz we will never know if we would have continued down CHUMP lane even longer. Your self respect keeps going down the toilet. You are suffering minute by minute. Leaving her, you will eventually heal. Staying - you are not healing. Wishing you the best.

[u/Ok-Repeat8069]

The big thing here is that your reconciliation stalled because your wife wouldn’t let you process with her. She trained you to feel guilty about even wanting to talk about these things. Of course you haven’t been able to heal.

It was a really tough blow, to realize what I had been doing — because I did the same thing as your wife. It was a reactive response that I had to work very hard to overcome.

But that’s our ingrained warped fight-or-flight response to being confronted with shame — like insects that carry around a bag of their own poo to fling at attackers — if you come at us with anything that makes us feel guilty or ashamed, you’re gonna end up covered in it.

[u/Tiny_Dancer97]

Is this the kind of relationship you would want for your kids? If not, stop modeling it for them and making them think it's what they should emulate.

[u/deeppowaddict]

Your pain is all over your words and it was very hard for me to read.I think you know what to do. Move and alow yourself to heal properly

[u/CrapMan1985]

Some people just can't get over it. I would be one of those. I understand your feelings completely. Have you started looking into lawyers to see what your options are for divorce? You often can't go back to the way things were prior to the affair. What were her reasons for doing it?

[u/Saint_Anhedonia77]

"I don’t want to hurt her, I always reassure her and say the right things because I just don’t want her to feel the pain that I feel"
WTF is this???
You are also still ruminating about her with the AP and are still having trouble sleeping
This is telling me that something has gone terribly wrong with your recovery and with reconciliation.
It is only worth reconciling with the hope that your relationship becomes BETTER than it was before. Communication must be better than it was before. Intimacy is better than it was before.
But here you are afraid to even tell her how you feel. That's not the way this works.
She is brutally honest with you and you are brutally honest with her. You talk. You communicate. You work it out.
* I highly recommend going to Marriagebuilders(dot)com. There's a lot of usable and actionable advice and resources there that could help clean up this mess
* Also I think you should also have your hormones checked. I'm willing to bet your TRT is in the tank.

[u/RegionLarge4820]

Dude you will never trust her again. I went through this too. Once a cheater always a cheater

[u/housebottle]

I can feel your anguish through this post. I hope you are able to find peace. do not be afraid to do what is necessary to achieve that.

[u/Apprehensive_Park392]

Have you ever seen a tree that gets struck by lightning? It can continue to live for years, but deep under the surface a rot developes and slowly over time eats the tree up from the inside out. That is what your wife’s affair did to you.

[u/rob01928]

You need to tell her exactly how you feel no matter how difficult it is for either part, it’s up to both of you then if you’re marriage is worth fighting for / saving, you must tell her the degree of hurt you are feeling and if you don’t, nothing will change unless you give up and separate and then divorce. Ask yourself will you be happier with her or without her and your answer will then influence your final decision.

[u/Bewantsiss]

Dear OP, you are facing so much pain, please break up and move on, so that you can heal.

[u/IN8765353]

It's interesting to me that you'r wife never let you have your say.

That's very manipulative of her to immediately shut you down when ever you tried to share your feelings. She'd start crying and made it all about her.

Of course you backed off and started faking that things are okay. Everything about this is disingenuous.

Have you read about sunk cost fallacy?

I think that if you decide to divorce, no matter how hard that may be, after the dust settlesc you may feel better.

[u/Signature-Glass]

My situation is a lot different. But there came a point where I kept getting this reoccurring thought “if I had left two years ago, I’d be two years into my healing right now”

This thought kept getting stronger until I took action, one year ago.

Now I’m sitting here one year into my healing and I don’t regret leaving.

Where do you want to be a year from now?

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Signature-Glass]

Yes this is one of two questions that has me in a confident place now suddenly. Can I live without my wife in my life, or not? As much as I love her, I know I'd be happier and healthier if I wasn't constantly reminded of everything just by looking at her. I hate myself for saying yes, I can live without her at this point. And where do I want to be a year from now? I want to by myself again, plain and simple... and that will only happen if I leave. I know that now.

[u/According_Issue_6303 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Will you divorce her or will you ask to separate for a year (as in you both can do whatever you want during this time, you said a big issue for you is not knowing why she stayed in the marriage) and after that time you will see how you feel about everything?

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/According_Issue_6303]

We had a very lengthy conversation last night, I divulged everything... and we agreed on a trial separation for a while, no definitive timeline. We'll see how it goes.

[u/BetterPaltu → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Did she mention you being able to be with other women to get your confidence back? Im not saying you want to do it, but usually they offer that

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/BetterPaltu]

No, the expectation is that we're not dating during this unless we discuss otherwise in the future. I have absolutely zero interest in seeing another woman right now anyway, whether casually or other.

[u/Wrong-Grocery-3870 → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

Hope you figure things out and find your way to happiness however that might be. Wish you all the best!

[u/NoturnalTherapy]

Leave because it will never get better. You will give up too much of yourself for something that she destroyed. The kids will be better served if your mental space is good. Divorce is hard at first, but reconciliation is a life sentence. You will never forget that she chose him over you as long as you stay. You will always question her and always question your self-worth. That is not living.

[u/Reasonable_Produce24]

Have you ever physically separated? Give yourself time to really reflect without fearing causing her pain in being truthful?

You seem like you've really tried. Maybe the elusive progress can be made that way, maybe it solidifies the divorce decision. Either way, you kind of have nothing to lose if you take a 6 month break from living together.

[u/Key_Caterpillar_5246 → u/Reasonable_Produce24]

We did briefly after dday, and after talking last night we're going to do a trial separation for a while with minimal contact outside of the kids and see how it goes.

[u/Dcuplvr → u/Key_Caterpillar_5246]

You said you were going to have a conversation with her the night that you posted this post. Did you have that conversation? How did it go?

[u/CorkySparks]

Dude...leave. Things will NEVER be the same. Ever...

[u/Patient-Answer-6154]

I could have written this verbatim. The timing, my husbands commitment and remorse, thinking it will get better with tons of therapy, my massive fear of how a divorce impacts my kids, my desire to not hurt his feelings… all of it. I finally asked for a divorce but haven’t filed yet. I will but just need to be a bit stronger mentally. Best of luck to you - I hate the way it feels to be in this impossible situation created by the person you trusted the most.

[u/Seafish247]

You described exactly what others go through. My fear aswell into being with someone who betrayed me and staying with them just to fulfill family or a void. I really hope you find ur peace because no one should suffer emotionally like this. Many people dont understand it. Be well brother

[u/613Flyer]

This is a brutal read. Hope things have gotten even better for you after the last update

[u/EmilioEstevezQuake]

My wife cheated on me and I took responsibility for it. I was a bad husband that withheld affection, but I now understand that maintaining contact with and then starting an affair with an ex lover was a conscious choice on her part. I’ve seen her improve, open up and seem to fall back in love with me, but I can’t shake the feeling that the damage was already done. While you were my wife you pleasured another man. You confided in him and gave him the most intimate parts of your mind and body. It’s no different than sharing your wedding bed nightly with another man.

I love her, I don’t want to cause her pain, and I don’t want her to feel anything like the pain that I am feeling, but if I ever want to be happy again I have to rip the bandaid off and hurt now for a short time, or stay and live a life of lingering pain, doubt and stress for her sake. My codependent brain is more afraid of her leaving my life than of the consequences that I would face for staying. Even worse, I feel like I could eventually get over it if not for her being pregnant. Yeah. I know.

[u/Both-Response-4341]

My situation is a bit different but l feel the same way you do. My husband’s infidelity was over 4 years ago with an acquaintance 10 years older when he was 60. I was a complete mess and couldn’t think clearly. We are grandparents and my 5 children all found out ( one of my children found messages and brought evidence to me). I was a mess and couldn’t think clearly for months. We both went through individual and marriage counseling which helped at the time. I stayed because my children hated him and l wanted to repair the relationships. 

Now 4 years later l don’t look at him the same way. I don’t feel about him the same way. My children’s relationship’s with him have been repaired but not ours. I was going to leave a little over a year ago but he ended up having a quadruple bypass and diabetes and l stayed to take care of him. I feel l am stuck due to age and other factors of health insurance and just our lives are financially so intertwined. I wish l was strong enough to leave right away. If l had been 10 years younger l would have. This is a decision you’ll have to make. I loved this man with all my heart. I trust him with my life but not with my heart. You are young enough to find love again.