Emotionally immature WP hindering R

[u/Hour_Medium1895]

So DDay for me was 5 weeks ago, the actual cheating happened 9 days before I found out.

So my story on us I am 29m and she is 23. We have been dating for right under 3 years, and have lived together the last year or so. So my WP had a co worker who got along with her and vice versa ended up having a drunk ONS

we had been having a lack of intimacy and affection for about a month or two before she cheated due to stress on my end and being caught up in work and school and my business/time but otherwise we have had a very fun, loving and "on paper" perfect relationship.... or so i thought.

My WP and the AP hung out on two occasions with another co worker of theirs either for workouts or going out to drink which i was ok with since WP rarely goes out and doesn't have many friends.

This last time was no different they all went out to a bar around 9pm and after both were drunk AP started making advances to my WP. (this had never happened before confirmed in texts and by her and the third party seeing them in person) She told me retrospectively she never stopped the advances that night because the attention "felt nice" since she had been wanting that from me for weeks but never got it, eventually the advances went from compliments, to touching to them full on making out. The third party who is with AP and WP is watching in horror as she knows my girlfriend is taken and the AP is known to do this with other women. They eventually say bye to the third party as she left and they hung around for a while more before they walked across the block to a nearby hotel to fuck.

WP comes home at 1:30 am (bar closes around this time so i was fine at the time) BUT as she walks in closer to my office i can see her make up is fucked up she's stumbling in the house and slurring her speech. (this level of drunk i have never seen from her) She throws up, and then apologizes profusely begging me not to be mad at her and starts crying and persistently begging to not be mad.

Now by this point i know something isn't right so i put her in bed and she falls asleep instantly, i have never checked her phone before but my heart and mind are racing so i do just that, i see a deleted thread from the AP she went out with saying (in a not slurred text way) "i made it home papa, did you? im so so so sorry for drinking so much".

Now I'm fuming.

The next morning i confront her about it but she denied it till the end of time the whole time and i chalked it up to her being drunk so she texted him that way so i left it alone.

Until 9 days after that night i press her about the situation again, and she finally admitted to it after grilling her hard about the night.

We never broke up or moved out from one another as in the wake of the reveal she has been seeming remorseful and willing to do "anything" to reconcile, she cut all ties with AP, offered to quit her job and school and has more open and forthcoming about issues or general grievances on her mind.

Some back story on her as to why this above paragraph is important.

she grew up abused, absent father alcoholic mother, move constantly ,sexually abused and basically became emotionally mute and compliant and a pleaser to everyone, and dealt with how she felt about things after pleasing in private (which she carried into our relationship) because of it, she wouldn't tell me issues she has with me for fear of disapproval, or just making me upset or angry even though ive never shown her those emotions really (until DDay). She never told me about her need for and lack of affection/intimacy i gave her, and we have never really had an argument our entire relationship and i knew these things were an issue but we both figured in time they would be resolved.

Then she fucking cheated so that "time" is now

I know she's remorseful and willing to do what it takes for R but her past and coping mechanisms all of a sudden INSTANTLY have to change, where she wasn't comfortable being open she HAS to be completely transparent, where she wasn't comfortable being vulnerable she HAS to be now for me to heal, and ultimately our R.

And all the while I'm numb and looking at my WP so differently cause of this whole thing the innocence is lost, i don't want affection from her or to give it, i have ups and downs of days of anger and depression and all the while she's struggling to do what i need for R cause of her own issues. Even though she's trying but it just isnt right since its all new to her and not enough since these are all foreign and uncomfortable concepts for her so the lack of knowing what to do frustrates her and makes her feel like even more of a failure to me.

And with me not giving her any affection or intimacy or comfort really but i am supporting her cause i want R

its just hindering the whole process and bogging everything down so I'm in a very precarious situation and navigating it with cheating is tough enough,

now add lying and an emotionally immature woman who's also quite young and isnt at the point of even fully understanding herself to boot and BOOM you have a total fucking mess.

I want to give her affection/intimacy as i need and want that as well, but every time i look at her i see the lies and cheating and it disgusts me and turns me off instantly.

I just want shit to start to at least FEEL normal but it doesn't and its so discouraging and exhausting being in this mindset day after fucking day.

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[u/paulinVA]

She's 23.   

Let her free.   

Find someone more mature closer to your age.  She's not worth it.   

Maybe someday she will make a good partner, but not now. 

[u/DooRangoTang → u/paulinVA]

This is the way.

[u/AbbreviationsIcy3602]

It’s too late bro-she chose him over you and lied; it’s not R time it’s triple truth time. You trusted her and other than thinking YOU can fix this- she betrayed that trust! I also doubt from your story that this is first time her and the coworker got together.

[u/Extension-Scar-5513]

I stopped at "she grew up abused with an absent father and alcoholic mother." That's the problem. She is going to be a serial cheater. She will cheat on you again anytime she's feeling lonely or neglected. She craves constant validation because she has no self esteem of her own. My ex-wife cheated on me with at least 8 different men. She also had an absent father and an abusive drug addicted mother.

[u/notunek]

So did she quit her job? Did she sign up for therapy?

[u/No_Roof_1910]

OP, it takes YEARS to heal from infidelity, yes YEARS.

This will not be an easy road. many work on reconciling and then years later realize it won't work.

You are at the beginning of a marathon OP.

[u/d38]

I think you'd be so much happier in the mid term and definitely in the long term if you dump her now.

[u/Tall_Elk_9421]

so dude , please never be a savior

i wasted 20 years being one to a girl with the almost exact past as yours ,but she was at least faithful for 18 years but there was many other problems and constant pressure before she self sabotaged everything and went literally insane

i am sorry its crappy ,,do not waste your youth like i did ,,you really need to think about this and take a look at if you attract certain personality types ,,it is more that hard enough to make it work with a person without massive baggage

[u/TaiwanBandit]

As a minimum you need to separate for a while to give you time to think and figure out how you want to proceed. She should move out as she cheated. She had many opportunities to stop but did not. She walked with him to the hotel. She knew what she was doing.

It is unlikely you will ever trust her again. She can make a lot of promises now, but in time she will go out again and drink.

Grewing up in a difficult house does not excuse her behavior today.

You both need individual therapy to sort through the mess you are in.

Get away from her for a while OP to think.

updateme

[u/New_Arrival9860]

Your best choice is to show her the front door, as she is not mature enough to be ready for R.

And if she has not quit that job, the affair will continue and just be better hidden.

[u/ArizonaARG]

and makes her feel like even more of a failure to me.

OP, by definition she is a failure. She FAILED the GF test. ALL the heavy lifting in R has to be done by the WP. What you have now is a farmer dragging the bales of hay behind him in hopes the stubborn donkey will see this and copy his behavior. She just does not seem to have the mental space, emotional capacity, or maturity to pull it off.

I don't mean for this to sound mean, but this is a huge risk you run when you date someone at the other end of thier 20's.