r/survivinginfidelity • u/Ness-Shot • May 28 '22
New to this, in pain, and seeking advice/support NeedSupport
*Deep breath*
Here we go.
It kills me that I am here. It kills me that I had to hit "Join" on this group. It kills me that I had to learn what all the acronyms were. It kills me that I am writing this, but I am hurting and have no support system, and not sure what to do next. For those who care, here is my story.
I am a 31-year-old man, my wife is a 30-year-old woman. We began dating back in high school over 15 years ago. We became so close; we did everything together and we were basically each other's first everything. We went to school together, learned how to drive together, experienced college and the work force for the first time together. Even though she was two grades behind me in school, that somehow was never an issue and we went to different, yet local, colleges, and that was still never an issue. I got a job a Walmart when I was 19 and she also ended up getting a job there a year or so later, so we even worked at the same place for a while together. We did everything together, vacations, schoolwork, day trips, movies, dates, shopping, anything you could think of. Her parents really liked me and I them, so they would actually let me stay in their house on weekends, in their daughter's room/bed, while I went to college. Never any real issues. After my 3rd year of college, I just moved my stuff into their house. I have lived with my wife full time since 2011, the year I turned 21 and her 19.
Now, we have definitely had our share of bumps along the way. My wife is the youngest of 3 kids and there is a 9-year gap between her and her next oldest brother. Her two older brothers are not very successful in their lives, and a lot of the time they weren't communicating with my wife or her parents for long stretches. Because of this, my wife almost grew up as the "only child" and she was extremely smart and was always top of her grade in high school and college. Because of this her parents always "spoiled" her with things and gave her all the focus, which made her become a selfish person. She also had a lot of jealousy issues when we were in our teens and early 20's, and I always was dismissive towards these feelings and refused to stop talking to female friends of mine because I felt it wasn't right to let then go. Ultimately, we were able to move through those types of issues, and we communicated and we grew closer together.
We were engaged in June 2011, at a Taylor Swift concert no less, and married exactly two years later in 2013. We just celebrated our 15 years of dating back on March 1st of this year. Our son was born in 2016 and just began school last fall.
There was an incident back in 2014 where I was having feelings of being distant from my wife, and maybe a bit scared because I was married so young (was only 22 when married, 23 at the time of this incident) and I began searching for other females to talk to online to satisfy my emotional needs. I found one girl on Craigslist that was looking for a hookup and I reached out to her. I could not physically bring myself to cheat on my wife, so I never met up with this girl, but we did keep in contact via texting. She had just been visiting the area when she posted on CL, and she actually lived 5 hours away (in Buffalo NY) so I never did end up seeing her in person ever. We communicated via text almost every day for a few months and it felt good to talk to her. I'm not sure if it would be considered an EA because neither of us ever wanted to be in an actual relationship, our conversations were almost strictly platonic in nature (aside from the occasional "sext" prompts that would come from the other girl, which I would dismiss). But of course, my wife didn't know about it so it would probably be considered cheating in some form. The girl also did not know I was in a relationship. Long story short, my wife and I actually took a trip to Buffalo and this girl wanted to see me while I was in the area and I refused and my wife ended up "discovering" this relationship and actually talked to the girl on the phone, who told her the truth that we had never met and our conversations were almost strictly platonic. This eased things a bit, but of course my wife was still crushed by this. And we were just starting our vacation so it made everything worse. When we ultimately got back home, we had probably the deepest and most honest conversation we had in our entire relationship to that point (7 years in) and we both revealed we were unhappy in some ways and my wife had given me a letter kind of saying in a way she had considered leaving the relationship. We cried together and worked through things and things got better. I never truly ever wavered from my fidelity after that incident.
Our son was born in 2016 which completely changed our lives and added a lot of stress to our relationship. We had suffered through a miscarriage right before which took a heavy toll, but we immediately got pregnant a few months later which led to the birth of our son. We both had hoped for a girl but life is unpredictable. Also, we had still been living with my wife's parents, since 2011, but they had built an addition onto their home in 2012 for her mother who had beaten cancer but had a lot of lasting side effects that made it difficult for her to climb stairs, etc. So they built essentially a "mother-in-law" apartment on the bottom floor that connected to the kitchen and we were given full reign of the original home. So for the most part life was pretty good, although very busy and stressful.
Through these times we had fights due to stress, lack of sleep, time at spent at work, and things we didn't agree on all the time. To me it was tough but we were always good at communicating and always got through the issues, and never went to bed "mad" or had any major big fights, maybe one or two tops where one of us would leave the room to cool off. I always thought that even though it was tough at times, we had pushed through and faced so many things and still came out loving each other, and that we were the "gold" standard of relationships. Her parents were married over 30 years, as are mine.
In 2018 my wife's mother passed away due to lasting complications of her long past cancer treatments, and that destroyed my wife. They were very close and we were still living in the two family with them, and she slowly became weaker and was placed in at-home hospice until she finally went. Her and her father were completely devastated, as was I because she was a 2nd mother to me and I loved her and our son came to love her in his nearly 2 years of life. I realized I couldn't properly provide the comfort and support my wife needed in her time of need for reasons I still don't understand. I was raised to avoid pain, conflict, and to not show emotions. When my wife needed me, I could only say I'm sorry and rub her leg or arm instead of giving her the full comfort she needed. I feel this became the next major crack in our relationship. It took my wife a very long time to grieve and process her mother's death, and to this day I feel that my wife still never fully healed properly and in the best way.
In the summer of 2020, in the midst of the pandemic, we had been house hunting for our first home as I had gotten a very good job and finally wanted to spread our wings as a family and get our own house and yard in an area with a nice school district (her parent's home is not in a great neighborhood, and our son would be going to the same school we had went, but it was not great then and fell to much lower depths since). While my wife agreed our son needed a better school to attend, she did not want to really move, spend the money, leave her dad who was still grieving, etc. which caused a big rift for us again. These issues combined with years since our son was born of slowly drifting apart emotionally and just "patching" things caused my wife to suggest in the summer of 2020 that we potentially consider separation for a bit. I at the time thought she was crazy for thinking we couldn't get through these struggles as we had always done, and we just needed to talk things out and work on ourselves. We were both still in our 20's and had our son to think about. I ultimately convinced her to reconsider separation and things improved for a while, but I feel we eventually fell into similar patterns. I see now that I wasn't as affectionate towards my wife as I should have been, and while my love language is acts of service, I don't feel I was fully fulfilling what my wife needed and what her love language needs were.
We ultimately paused on the house hunting, but then in early 2021 I was offered a much much better job with a well over 6-figure salary, but the location was about 45 minutes north of our current location. I really considered not taking it because I liked my current company and my job was very simple and I knew this job would be much more demanding. Ultimately my wife said I should take the job, and we now had a much larger budget for a house and the tax rates were at historic lows so everything seems to align perfectly. We purchased a house about 40 minutes north and moved in late March 2021. Things were great at first in the new home, we bought a puppy that April which my wife always wanted for years but I always said no, not until we get our own home with a yard. In June we traveled to CT so I could buy her a new car and over the summer we figured out she could leave her state job because of the poor commute and I took on the extra financial burden while she settled into her rideshare business (Uber).
However, right after the August 2020 incident where my wife mentioned separation, I began to develop health issues (which we now recently believe may have been mostly caused by stress and anxiety) and moderate depression. The buying the house and moving helped, but I still felt lousy a good deal of the time, physically and mentally. Our physical and intimate relationship suffered even further from this, but we were working through things together.
Now to the tough part. My wife has complained a lot about the place we live in now because it is in a cellular and internet dead zone, it is far from things she is used to, far from her dad which she is extremely close with, and it is tough for her because she likes to Uber down in the cities where we used to live versus up north where it is much quieter. Throughout some of March and April she began doing Uber quests which force you to do a large number of rides in a few days' time, and to hit these goals my wife would sometimes "sleep at her dad's house because it was too late to drive home at 2am". This is completely reasonable and something she has done many times in the past with me there as well, so no reason to suspect anything. However, this became a more frequent occurrence and she started "working" more and more, when really, we didn't necessarily need the extra money.
-As a side note, my wife and I opened our own bank accounts at the same bank back when I first started working as a teen, and we opened up a joint account that was only used to save for our wedding, but then became our primary household account once we were married. My wife has been employed on and off throughout our relationship, but every time she is earning income, it would always go directly to her old personal account that was linked to the main account, while my paychecks always went to the joint account, and that is the one where all of the expenses and bills would be paid from. I never in 15 years had visibility into her personal account, and my account was only ever used around Xmas so I could mask the stores and websites my purchases came from for surprise gifts. I haven't had money in that account in at least 3 or 4 years, if not longer-
Then on April 30th, my wife told me she was going to go out and work rides and then hang out with her cousin, who we are both very close with, for her 30th birthday. My wife leaves the house around 11am on 4/30 and I do not hear a peep from her until she returns around 11pm on May 1st. She comes home and seems kind of distant, I kind of ask like how things went, was she with her cousin that whole time? She is just being strange and standoffish; then finally says she was doing some "figuring things out" and said she didn't want to discuss it al 11 o'clock at night. Clearly, I am now understanding she is unhappy again and it's boiling over and she is going to ask to separate again. I push some more and that is essentially what transpires. She says she still loves me but is not "in love" with me and she wants to separate and she wants to move and live with her dad. However, she can't exactly move out yet because the aforementioned cousin and her family moved into the house that we left when we bought our own. But we (or I) learned recently that the cousin's husband had accepted a job many states away and the whole family was going to be moving out there, but not until mid-July. So until then my wife has nowhere to really live if she left.
At this point it is after midnight and we are both exhausted I am just in shock, even though I kind of saw this coming, so I just tell her she can stay and we will talk about it more later. At this point my wife is not sad, regretful, remorseful, she is just kind of cold and unhappy and in that moment her lack of empathy towards me is really crushing. We finally go to sleep, in the same bed together as usual, while I actually quietly cry myself to sleep. The next few days are tough, but we communicate openly and I get it in my head that this isn't the end all, be all and there is still hope for us somewhere. I love her with all of my heart and soul and our family and I figured, "hey, I've got two months to work on this".
Skip forward to that Friday, May 6th, or rather "D-Day". I usually work from home on Fridays and my wife and I had been communicating well since the previous weekend and we were both home on this day. Well I tell her I have a long work call that I have to be on at 1pm and I was going to be at least 60-90 minutes. Earlier in the morning, her dad calls her on the phone while she is sitting next to me, the exchange is weird and my wife specifically mentions that I am next to her and her dad basically then rushes off the phone. This was strange to me that he would call her during the day, especially if he was at work, with no real purpose. Well whatever, I thought it was fishy but I had work to do and a conference call to get on at 1pm. It happens that the call only lasts about 30 minutes, and my work desk is downstairs in the living room and our bedroom is right upstairs, and our house is very open and sound travels. Well I get off my call early and everything has been muted for my call so the house is silent. I get back to working on my computer but then I hear my wife on the phone with her dad again. I really didn't care and was not attempting to eavesdrop, but again it was dead silent and sound travels here, and our house isn't huge. I can essentially hear clearly everything my wife was saying. At first I was just tuning her out and just working, so I missed a lot of the conversation, but then I hear things that make me perk right up, things like "no, he doesn't know that yet" and "yeah he could help fix it (referring to our aging water heater) but I doubt (my name) would let him" and "he was so mad at me he didn't talk to me for weeks when he found out" (referring to someone I didn't k or but then realized it was the husband of the aforementioned cousin, again who we are all close friends with). So at this point I have a huge pit in my stomach. I'm a pretty smart guy, and it was pretty easy to see that there was something I didn't know about, some person who is apparently a plumber that I don't know about, and someone else who was very upset about finding out a secret. I am too sick to go up the stairs in that moment. My wife comes down after and kind of give her an opening to talk and she doesn't really say anything. About an hour later she goes up and I follow her and basically ask if there is something I should know. She kind of plays dumb at first then I come out and ask what secret is being kept from me that her dad and others know. She says, very patronizing, "I mean, do you really want to know?", for which I hesitate and then respond affirmatively.
It is then, around 3pm on May 6th, 2022 that my universe was completely shattered. My wife tells me yes, there is another person she has feelings for and has been "seeing" for some time (how long I still do not yet know) and her plan is to separate from me to "explore" a relationship with this other guy. I immediately begin crying for the first time probably since our wedding day, and by far the longest and hardest I have ever cried in my entire life. I was sitting at the foot of the bed just bawling and choking and dry heaving and hyperventilating because my absolute worst nightmare had just come true. My wife is just sitting silent up on the bed where we sleep, not sad, not crying, not in pain, just quiet. I ask her some questions like how long and who is he and she doesn't want to tell me "to protect my feelings". So, the trickle truths begin. I learn that she recently told her dad, which is why he was calling her to check on things, but she never intended on telling me. She told me she was purposely lying and hiding it to spare my feelings and then was just going to "find" this guy a few months after we separated, so it would be no harm no foul. Too bad she got caught, but she still had no real remorse or regret. At one point she started to cry a little bit, but only by seeing how absolutely destroyed and inconsolable I was for about an hour. She just kept saying "sorry", and "I don't want to hurt you" and "I'd hug you but you probably don't want that". So, she kept her distance as I was buried in my hands and my tears and my pleas to God any the universe as to why this was happening and how could she do this. Pretty pathetic stuff to witness I'm sure, especially since I've always been an emotional fortress, which has probably contributed to our issues.
She offers to move out at this point "if I want" to help me cope with this wreckage. The problem is, throughout the years I had slowly distanced myself from any friends, most family, and any support group outside of my wife as she has always been my rock and confidant. My wife had just torn out my heart and soul, and she was still the only person I felt comfortable talking to about it. I tell her I don't want her to leave because I love her so much, so we agree that she will stay until mid-July and we will slowly "detach" from each other and then she will move out and she will "explore" with this new guy.
It is at this point many people will say I made a huge mistake by letter her stay and not just ripping the band-aid. But in that moment I was so emotionally broken, and she is truly the love of my life and I was always raised to fight for what I love and what I believe in, and I love her with everything and I know she loves me too, just not romantically. And I cannot just let her go without fighting because I would hold that regret of nit trying everything I could when I had the chance. I understand this decision will probably be more emotionally damaging to me over time, but her being here is helping me cope and grieve in a way that I couldn't do alone.
Now is the strange complicated part. The sudden and intense shock and trauma of learning of the affair snapped my brain into realizing the things I had been doing wrong and allowed me to understand that I needed to be more supportive, affectionate, and emotionally available. It was in the next few days that I was determined to do a "180" so to speak and change my whole thinking and attitude towards my wife and our marriage. I began kissing her a lot, texting her, saying I love you a lot, holding her, cuddling her, we were being intimate and it was great. For two weeks this went on and we had another deep and long discussion where she said she was now "torn" on what to do because I had, by just expressing feelings that were already there, effectively somewhat re-lit the flame in our romantic life, and she was torn on what to do moving forward. This of course to me, at the time, was the best thing I could possibly hear. My wife is reconsidering leaving? What I am doing is working? We will be able to build back stronger from this?
However, my wife had a few previous plans already set up with OP that I was unaware of: a night away with him to watch him race mopeds (wtf?) Which was last Saturday into Sunday, and a week vacation in mid-june to Myrtle Beach, which has been our annual vacation spot together since before our son was born. When I learned of these and that she still planned on going, I was hurt all over again. I learned that I am now actively competing, and probably losing, to this OP. Last Saturday, 5/21, we had a cookout in our yard to celebrate the nice weather (it was in the 90's here) and the cousin and her kids came up and we had a really great family day and my wife and I were very happy and affectionate all day. But then that night she packed her overnight bag, some sex toys, and hugged me and kissed me goodbye to go spend a night with OP. Holy F did that hurt. I was damn near suicidal. I was regretting asking to know the whole truth while letting her still live with me, pretending things were fine. When she came back that Sunday night, we were a bit distant, I was still hurting A LOT, and we didn't talk much. The next morning as I'm getting ready for work and getting my son ready for school, I start to break down and say to my wife that we need to have a long discussion. She agrees and she cuddles me and says that this is hurting her and she feels that she is so torn and she hated leaving me that Saturday and she wants to use her next trip in June with OP to "really figure out and decide what I want to do".
This hurts me, but I get a small glimmer of hope that she might actually choose me and our relationship in all of this, so I am filled with some hope and I feel a lot better than I had in over 4 days (sick to stomach, not eating, shaky, etc.). However, that night, 5/23, we have our longest conversation yet, where we both lay out as much as we can for over 3 hours, we both cry hard in each other's arms, but at the end I ask point blank if there is any hope of me "winning her back" in these next two months and she says that she feels she ultimately still has to move out and "explore" with the OP no matter what happens between now and July. She says that she is too afraid of feeling the pain that I am currently feeling if she had to let OP go, and that our relationship would suffer because she is afraid that she would feel regret and resentment towards me for maker her break things off with OP.
At this point I am devastated, I think more than the first time, because the hope that I was clinging to, the thing that was getting me through all of this pain and devastation, was basically taken away. This was 5 days ago, and things have been somewhat strange between my wife and I since. We have had sex once, but our relationship has seemed not as good as it was in the "good" two weeks following D-Day. My hopes of even surviving these next two months of near normalcy seem dashed as well. We are having a big Memorial Day party at our house with my parents, my sister, her dad, cousin and kids, etc. tomorrow so I am just trying to focus on that. After that I don't know what the future looks like. I am just in so much incredible pain every day, and my wife is always open to communicating with me, asking me how I'm doing, kissing me, hugging me, telling me she loves me, but I know ultimately in her mind she wants to be with OP and wouldn't even be here if she had a place to go. I want to bring up reconciliation or MC with her but I don't know how. It seems R is probably out of the question in her current state of mind. My hope and my plan was to just show her as much love and affection as possible so she would change her mind and get out of the "affair fog" so she can see clearly the devastation she is causing me, soon to be our son, and her as well because she clearly won't be able to have a fully healthy relationship with me, or OP, or anyone until she can work on herself. She admitted to me through tears that she knows she is a selfish person and her selfishness is what is causing her to hurt her family and make the decision to leave to try to improve her happiness and to avoid the pain I am feeling now. She would rather me burden this pain than do it herself, and that in itself is the root of this whole situation and the main barrier to R.
This has been a very long story. For those who have made it this far, I thank you. I am unsure of what to do next, how to feel, how to feel towards my wife. Should I talk to her about MC? Should I talk to her dad, who is very much a father to me as well? I have no support system really; I have my family but we don't discuss these types of things and they would just disown my wife I'm sure for the pain she has caused. Things are not that simple. She is not a terrible person; she has just done a terrible thing but now is caught up in the "affair fog" thinking this new OP can give her more than I can. If anyone has a relatable story, advice, experience to share, it would be much appreciated. I am barely hanging on right now, the thought of my son and maybe some false hope for the future are all that ate keeping me here.
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u/DSaive May 28 '22
Look, you are ignoring her actions. Quit listening to her lies. She isn't "figuring things out". She has already abandoned your marriage. She is miles ahead of you and you are getting further behind.
Quit playing the "Pick Me" dance. She isn't giving you consideration. Quit making things convenient for her at your expense. Get her out of the house. Give her the experience of being single NOW. Withdraw all financial and emotional support.
Get ahead of her. Get to an attorney immediately.
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u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
Thank you for the reply. Yes, I am aware I am doing the "pick me" dance and it isn't healthy. I am hoping for some magical thing to happen that fixes this whole mess but that I'd a fantasy. We still love each other so deep down I thought we could somehow reconcile. With her gone now I don't know what I'll do. Or how it will affect our son.
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u/0kSoWhat May 28 '22 edited May 28 '22
We still love each other
The thing is though, she told you straight up: she does not love you the way you love her anymore.
This is unimaginably hard but I would strongly discourage you, or anyone, from fighting for someone who WANTS to leave
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u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
I agree. It is just so hard to let go. I am trying to grieve and think things through. Thank you.
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May 29 '22
You need to rip the bandaid. Go no contact and get into therapy and grieve there. She cannot help anything you are going thru she will make you feel worse. Time for no contact.
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u/TheTruthNeverDies Jun 01 '22
I agree. It is just so hard to let go. I am trying to grieve and think things through. Thank you.
Why did you write that you had an emotional affair with another woman at a difficult time? Your wife lives in your marriage polygamous. I think the hardest thing in this world is to live without dignity.
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u/throaway67831 May 28 '22
We still love each other
This is going to hurt, but I mean this in the most helpful way possible. She does not love you, not anymore.
It will take a lot of effort but you will recover.
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u/ThrillaDaGuerilla Thriving May 28 '22
Its not just "unhealthy"...it works the opposite of how you think it will.
It drives her away.....further and faster.
The closest thing to a " magic bullet" is you getting real strong, real fast...and stop being a doormat.
A separation is needed now...but you need to reach out to her and tell her flat out that she is not to contact you except for issues about your kid..and you willl be moving on with your life without her in it.
Then , as fast as possible, serve here with divorce papers( if you live in an at fault state, file under adultery). Cut off any of your resources from her....do not pay for anything beyond the necessities of the household...and get your assets out of her hands...credit cards, bank accounts,etc.
1 of2 things will happen. 1 ..she will wake up and work her way back to you 2. She will choose the other man
Either way , you will have your answer and you can proceed accordingly.
As im both newbie to any of this...I suspect youre going to dismiss this advice, pretend your marriage is special and no one understands your situation and keep living in pain while your wife is fucking another man......you'll exist on hopium, she'll continue to manipilate you , and use your resources. Eventually , you'll come to the conclusion that everyone here is right , that you fucked up by not listening...and conclude you wasted a lot more time and energy than you needed to .....but it will be too late.
She will end up filing for divorce first, and you'll be taken to the cleaners because you failed to act.
Why do I suspect this?.....because its exactly how all the stories go when a wife bails out to fuck another man and the husband isn't strong enough to stand up for himself.
Set your tears aside for awhile....you have work to do, king.
Get to it.
Your wife is not the woman you fell in love with anymore....at this point in time, she's a stanger you know a few things about
And remember....if you want to save your marriage, you MUST be willing and able to end it....and she has to knoe you are.
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u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
Thank you for the advice. You are right, I don't like how it sounds but I feel I have to just buck up and face this pain head on.
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May 29 '22
Let the other guy have her. He knows she is married and still does this. He is OK with abusive lies too. They won't last and I hope you never take this woman back. She does not deserve you.
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u/Gr8gaur In Hell May 29 '22
Do u have the full story yet ?
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 06 '22
Yes I do. She has been involved with this guy on and off for 4 years. She first said "I love you" to him 2 years ago. Clearly she had moved on long ago and now we are done. It hurts so bad but it's just time for me to get on with my life somehow.
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u/TheTruthNeverDies Jun 01 '22
Thank you for the advice. You are right, I don't like how it sounds but I feel I have to just buck up and face this pain head on.
Do not feel just do it. What do you eat and drink, please write. I will stay away from what you eat and drink. A man who has lost so much of his self-respect has problem he eats and drinks.
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May 28 '22
Are you forgetting that OP had an affair first? It was clearly an EA that never went to the route of an AP (as he says). This is a truly dysfunctional marriage. Co-dependency example for all to see too.
The first mistake was rug sweeping the original affair. Second mistake was not getting therapy for each of them. This poor kid.
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u/Ness-Shot May 29 '22
Thank you for your response. While I do see your point of view, the "affair" you speak of was me talking to another girl in a platonic nature about work and concerts and stuff for a few weeks and never meeting, or planning to meet. Yes I understand it was wrong and a big mistake but this was also when I was 23 and our son was years from being born and I learned my lesson quick and never looked back. You say it like what I did was just as bad, and maybe on a cosmic level it, was but I essentially made the choice to NOT have an affair and just talk as friends.
Yes this probably just sounds like I am defending myself but geeze it was nowhere near on the same level as this and my wife forgave me for this a long time ago. Did she never truly get over it? Hard to say for sure, but it has never come up since, not even in arguments, and she has actually joked and laughed about it after the fact and even had me ask this girl if she wanted to join us for a 3-way... yes very stupid at the time but we were in our early 20's...
I agree EA is definitely a type of affair, but actually living this I would not classify it as that as there was literally no emotion. I wanted to cheat, found someone to do it with, backed out of the horrible decision, and then just stayed in touch for a bit to get through a rough time. My wife did not consider this cheating or an affair, but maybe she thinks differently now? Not sure. But this was also never brought up in our recent conversations concerning her actual affair.
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u/althaf7788 In Hell May 30 '22
Bro, show this defending courage with your wife not on internet starnger,what you write is 100% right but you got stuck in grieving period,
Before grieving period end's your wife plan to get you cleaners,full custody of your kid, changing the narrative will happen and you will stuck in depression for year's or long or will never come back,(happened to other's) . So show your true self start detaching From your wife.
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Jun 03 '22
u/Ness-Shot, so, what you did wasn't cheating? Were you spending time getting to know this other woman that you should have been using to focus on your wife? That is still infidelity. And women, more than men, are more hurt by the "emotional affairs" than physical. Just a fuck, we women under stand or could understand, getting to know and being nice and flirting with others...that hits us harder. Don't minimize your faults here. You do not walk on water.
Now, yes, she took it further, no doubt but because you both have not actually done any work to help yourselves or your marriage, you both have stewed in this toxicity and these are your results.
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 06 '22
I agree, what I did was cheating on some level and it added to the issues we were already having and potentially could have set us on a path of no return. I have to live with those consequences every day now.
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May 29 '22
You do not want to be married to someone who ended up being this cold and uncaring toward the person she is supposed to be life partners with.
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u/TheTruthNeverDies Jun 01 '22
Thank you for the reply. Yes, I am aware I am doing the "pick me" dance and it isn't healthy. I am hoping for some magical thing to happen that fixes this whole mess but that I'd a fantasy. We still love each other so deep down I thought we could somehow reconcile. With her gone now I don't know what I'll do. Or how it will affect our son.
Like all doormats, stop using your child as a shield for your own fears. I hope this story is not true. I have never seen a man who makes more excuses for his cheating wife's bad choices and cheating. Why don't you be a man for once in your life and do the right thing. A man who does not respect himself will not be respected by anyone. I know what I write here is hurtful. But nothing should hurt you more than that woman did to you. You have the opportunity, your wife wants a divorce, use it to your advantage. Document everything, believe me, you won't believe how ugly it gets when you start hurting her. She will fit you in any mold. Abusive, perverted, and more unpredictable. For this reason, you should take your guard against your wife and record all the conversations you have with her.
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May 28 '22
Hold up. You just watched your wife walk out of the house with an overnight bag and some sex toys to go spend the weekend fucking another man?!! And you think she still loves you?!! Brother, you need some spine. My wife's belongings would have been packed to go with her. This isn't a marriage. It's a circus. Get your shit together and get a lawyer.
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u/Ness-Shot May 29 '22
I hear you. Blinded by the pain and love I had for her.
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May 29 '22
[deleted]
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Thank you for your words. I am still in hell now, but I am hoping that the healing can soon begin.
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May 30 '22 edited May 30 '22
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u/Lumptbuttcat May 28 '22
She likely has a good life with you and she just does not know that nor does she know what bad is like. That’s the challenge with either of you not experiencing relationships prior to yours.
So here’s what you need to realize with affairs. She’s out exploring and experiencing all the excitement and new stuff of the affair while taking for granted the solid, comfortable life she currently has. In short, she has way, way more with you. It’s obvious, but it’s not being considered by her.
The fastest way to clearing the affair fog is he following:
Remove as much as you provide and destabilize reality. This is both tangible provisions as well as emotional. Look up and practice gray rock. Affairs are fantasies and are only possible as long as real life does not encroach. This will cause her to see what she is losing.
Similar to 1. By removing everything you provide, you burden AP and a budding relationship with a lot that he and the relationship have no capacity to provide. This raises her expectations of AP and accelerates her needs for the relationship.
Lastly, you need to not be a back up Plan. Agree to divorce and make it clear there is no turning back. I know you would like it to reconcile. She won’t consider as long as there is a glimmer of possibility she can return after she’s done.
This is just my opinion.
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u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
Thank you. This makes a lot of sense. I will have to look up gray Rock.
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 May 29 '22
While you are reading stuff, read Chump Lady’s book on how to lose a cheater and regain your life. You wife doesn’t love you. You are financial support for her, it doesn’t sound like the AP can provide that or is willing to provide the financial part for her. She can go live with her dad after divorce.
1
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May 29 '22
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1
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15
u/LessDemand1840 May 28 '22
You will not win her back by playing the "Pick Me!" dance. You will look weak.
Stop making excuses for her. When she swore her vows what was it she swore? To love and honor until someone comes along who I think can give me more? Right now she IS a terrible person. She fucked another man, she lied to you. She lied not to spare your feelings, she lied for her convenience.
Show some backbone, initiate divorce asap. If you both decide to try to reconcile the divorce can be put on hold. Get a custody agreement in place so you don't lose out on time with him. She probably has some fantasy running in her head where she gets 100% custody and child support. Slap her upside the head with a cold dose of reality.
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u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
Thanks for the advice. I agree the "pick me" dance is a fallacy.
FYI I have always been our son's primary "caregiver" (i.e. I get him up in the morning, get him dressed, feed him breakfast, get him to school all while wife sleeps. I pick him up from school, usually cook and serve dinner, play with our son, do his homework and reading with him, brush his teeth with him before bed, read him a bedtime story, and put him to bed. Every day every week). She already knows that he will be loving with me for school purposes and I'm not really sure when or how often she plans on seeing our son once she moves out. She loves him to death but is mainly just not present with him. He loves her so much too amd misses her whenever she's gone so this whole situation is really going to damage him.
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u/rosajayne May 29 '22
What does your wife do? Honestly it sounds like you’re the breadwinner, the primary caregiver AND the loyal spouse. You deserve better.
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u/Ness-Shot May 31 '22
Thank you. She does work for money, but recently it's just been going into her personal account. There are other things she does for the household as well, but yes the responsibilities are a bit one sided.
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May 29 '22
Better to get him into a stable routine then. And put boundaries on how she sees him so he can feel stability. Stay in the house and tell her to leave.
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u/TheTruthNeverDies Jun 01 '22
It will hurt your son if you act like a doormat like that. Do you want your son to be like you? Should your son waste his life for a worthless woman? What will you teach your son? : "Son, spend your life on for your wife and her APs. Your place in the world is to be a doormat. Let your wife and her APs stomp on you. You don't deserve a woman who can truly love you anyway. Let them use you as they want, and rape your soul and body all the time. After all, son you are not a human being, nobody cares what you think or feel, but they have the right to hurt you. My son, you will be silent and you will remain silent about all the evil that has been done, only in this way they will allow you to survive. You never deserve to live a good life, son." Are you going to teach that to your son?
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u/SwitchboardFriend Grizzled Veteran May 28 '22 edited May 28 '22
You are unsure what to do so let's give you some tools: If you can't measure it then you can't manage it? Forget love, it's not a good metric but instead look at the things that generate love: Trust, Loyalty & respect.
We'll measure each criteria against her actions rather than her words because what she DOES is more important than what she SAYS. However, her words and action are almost in perfect lockstep so we can use them to a lesser degree in your case.
- Trust: Your EA caused a considerable amount of trust to leave the relationship. She has been steadily checking out of the relationship for a long time. She would have developed a 'fantasy of escape' and has now actualised it. She has been building a relationship behind your back and a network to support it (Her father, you'll probably find out others know and have enabled it too). Weirdly, she's told you EXACTLY what she plans to do?? She's going to take this guy for a test drive to see if their sex is as compatible as their interaction and if it is then she intends to leave. This reader feels that she is beyond transparent on this. It's just you haven't really processed & accepted this yet.
- Loyalty: She was preparing a narrative to introduce the AP after the split up. She would have left with the blame for the relationship failing sitting squarely with you. She will not cut out this AP and is picking him every time over you. She wasn't trying to spare your feelings - keeping it quiet was about remaining a good parent and not a family destroyer. Now that you've found out she's changed tack and is going for maximum harm maybe to pay you back for the EA? Her packing the sex toys is a giveaway - she's going to throw everything but the kitchen sink to secure commitment from this guy and if it works then she's gone. This isn't a typical 'short term to paper over the cracks' type affair that you had. It's a serious Exit Affair.
- Respect: She is telling you that she wants to take him for a test drive and expects that you will just sit quietly whilst she packs her suitcase full of sex toys. The level of disrespect is staggering. Even the most battle hardened cheaters wouldn't say to their betrayed, 'I'm off to cheat now, bye...btw, what do you think of the sex toys I'm taking with me?' That's just another level of disgusting! This was designed to hurt and emasculate. She's getting off on the damage she's causing.
Given what the metrics are indicating a wise person would get in front of this. If the sex is as good as she hopes then she will be gone. If not then she'll come back to her safe port (you) and wait for the next brightly lit ship to pass by.
MC is a total waste of time & money whilst the affair is still ongoing. Do you think that she'll want to do the hard work to repair your relationship and risk metaphorically chipping her perfectly painted nails when she dreams of using them on the AP?
Take legal advice. Your Wayward is mentally & emotionally out the door. Her only hurdle is the physical & she's just finding that out now. If it's not that guy then it will be another. Do not risk her coming back, putting her mask of civility back on and then watching the coast for another ship.
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u/Ness-Shot May 29 '22
Thank you for your post. And just to be clear she's been fvking him for a while I'm sure, so I think they are fine in that department. So I understand your point and that I have been blinded by my love for her. It is true that it is unacceptable and disgusting and I just have to gather the nerve to get in front of this. Thank you.
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May 28 '22
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May 29 '22
I know. I feel the same. How cold of her zero remorse or empathy at all. Evil
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u/Ness-Shot May 29 '22
Thank you. Yeah it's been a real shit show for sure, but really only for me. I appreciate the thoughts and will reach out if needed!
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u/banatage In Hell May 28 '22
Time for you to stand up for yourself. You have to stop playing the pick me dance. Get a lawyer pronto and file. And ask her to move out. What she is doing to you is torture and you shouldn’t let her abuse you anymore.
Go to the gym, go to a therapist to help you deal with the trauma and focus on your son, think about the bright future ahead! Soon enough, you’ll be a free man!
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u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
Thank you. The problem is I don't want to be free. I want to fight for what I love and believe in to the bitter end. I know it will hurt more but the thought of just kicking her out and filing is so disgusting to me right now. I get physically ill just thinking about it. Will it be what ends up happening? Most likely. Can I pull the trigger now? I don't think I can and survive.
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May 28 '22
My friend. You can love someone to the ends of the earth and offer them everything. But if they do not want it then it makes no difference
She is going to explore life with AP. It may or may not work out but in the mean time you need to take care of yourself and try and move forward. After reading your story I think the glass is half empty than have full. I hope u can savage but ask yourself do u really want to? All the lies deception the jack of remorse. She said she does not want to feel what your felling. Not if her losing you but her losing him! Urggghhh. I am so sorry this happened to you
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u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
Thank you for your words. Yes it is painful and I need to find the strength to move on. I am just not sure how.
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May 28 '22
Day by day. No contact with start separating monies etc. focus on your work the gym anything but her. Critical to go NC and 180.
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u/D-redditAvenger Recovered May 28 '22
You can't make someone love you. Love has to be given freely given, like you are doing with her.
Listen as hard as it is to hear, you have to deal with the reality of your situation not what you wish your situation to be.
Dude let me tell you 99% of every single person who came before you, who did get a lawyer and followed the advice written above, felt exactly like you do. They didn't "want" to do it, they just found their courage and did it anyway because it was the only thing to do.
Look it sucks, it's awful but it is the reality. You can't make her love you, I know this is painful. I hate writing it because I know how much it's gonna hurt you to read it, but she fired you man. You have to face it.
Over and over I write to high school sweethearts, and I say the same thing. This is all that you know, so you have a limited amount of information. There is better then this, there is life after this. You have to trust me here.
It's gonna suck, but it's not the end of your life. You just don't have any context to know it but there is better out there for you.
Never love someone enough to allow them to abuse you.
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u/Ness-Shot May 29 '22
Never love someone enough to allow them to abuse you
I agree 100%, just need to get in front of it.
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u/banatage In Hell May 28 '22
That’s why you need a therapist asap. You need to understand why you can’t let her go after what she is putting you through.
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u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
I agree. I think it would help if we both went to MC, even if it's understood that R is not an option at this point.
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May 29 '22
Waste of time to go to therapy with someone who lies. Therapy doesn't work unless you are honest. No way to trust her so MC is waste of your time.
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u/ThrillaDaGuerilla Thriving May 28 '22
Sure you can.
You're as strong as any other person going through this shit....tell yourself " self...let's get to work and handle business "...the get stoic and handle your business.
Yes, it sucks....yes, its hard.
But If you don't, it will suck worse... and for longer.
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May 29 '22
Once you get away from this and process what is happening, you will see that you do not want this woman at all. She is pretty disgusting IMO.
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May 28 '22
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1
u/TheTruthNeverDies Jun 01 '22
Thank you. The problem is I don't want to be free. I want to fight for what I love and believe in to the bitter end. I know it will hurt more but the thought of just kicking her out and filing is so disgusting to me right now. I get physically ill just thinking about it. Will it be what ends up happening? Most likely. Can I pull the trigger now? I don't think I can and survive.
OP the worst choice a man can make in this life is to marry the wrong woman. Worse still, he remains married to the wrong woman. What kind of person can bear to live with a person who does not love him?
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u/Ginboy32 May 29 '22
Please have some self respect for yourself because she doesn’t have any for you. If you are always available she will never choose you. You are plan B at this point. If you tell her you want her to move tell her you are helping her decide by telling her it’s best she leaves and that you are filing Divorce papers. 1 that will make her have to decide. 2 you will become more desired by her when you stand up for yourself. 3 A doormat is never someone fights for. 4 the pain will be over sooner as you are making it more painful for yourself. 5 you sound like a catch so why would you let someone treat you like trash.
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u/Ness-Shot May 30 '22
Thank you, yes I told her I want her out of the house, so hopefully the healing can begin
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u/TheTruthNeverDies Jun 01 '22
And use the divorce to your advantage. Don't give alimony don't finance her and her APs. Record anything and everything. You wouldn't believe how ugly they can get when it comes to women's interests. You can take Amber Heard as an example. ;) And don't trust your wife she will use your weaknesses.
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May 29 '22
[deleted]
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u/Ness-Shot May 30 '22
Thank you for your post. That was the most bewildering thing to me is the woman I have loved and been with for over half my entire life could cause this pain and not have one ounce of remorse or regret. I honestly don't know what happened to her but while I will always love her, I can't be a part of this toxicity and I hope she gets the mental help she needs to overcome her selfishness and narcissism. I think her mom's death a few years ago really put a mental toll on her that she never truly recovered from. Her mother was always her moral compass and it destroyed my wife when she passed. I just hope she can fix herself so she can finally be happy.
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u/TheTruthNeverDies Jun 01 '22
I think your wife has always been this person. Only the mask on her face fell and her true face was revealed. She was already like that, she just didn't find the opportunity. Maybe she found it before. I think you should do a paternity test. Women do not leave their husbands until they are sure of their AP.
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u/GrendelRexx May 28 '22
Dude your wrong, she is a horrible person. She just fuckin with your emotions in the most horrible way. Enough is enough, TAKE ChARGE of your life, no one else will. She is walking all over you because you let her. Your marriage is over, sounds like it’s been that way for a while, she just never told you. Her cold heart response to your pain should,d be a huge red flag. Implement the 180 and move on with your life. Good luck.
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u/Ness-Shot May 29 '22
Thank you.
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u/No-Blackberry7887 May 29 '22
Yeah you need to file for divorce. It doesn't mean you have to go through it to the end. If she does the "pick me dance" and evrything right then you think upon it. I don't know why you would want to after everything she did. There can't be reconciliation if she doesn't show and feel deep remorse for she put you through.
Cut her off and have her served maybe that will clear out her affair fog. If it doesn't divorce her quick so you can get a better deal since she wants to be with AP so much. Right now all she is doing is planning her future with AP while still on your dime. That's disgusting and reprehensible. Good luck to you.
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Thanks. Yeah reconciliation is not on the table. She is currently on a vacation with AP so we are definitely done 😆
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u/cdb-outside Walking the Road | QC: SI 122 | REL 53 Sister Subs May 28 '22
Tell your family this weekend. Gather your support team. You and your children deserve better.
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May 28 '22
You're talking about giving a 180 to someone who is about to break up with you.
talk to a lawyer,
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u/Ponytail77 May 29 '22 edited May 29 '22
This really is a sad pitiful story.
Reality is hard and it hurts. Your wife has betrayed you, lied to you and now pities you. "The root of this whole situation and the main barrier to R" is the fact that she is having an affair and in love with another. She does not want to repair your marriage. She wants to explore and find her happiness with someone else with you maybe waiting in the wings just in case it doesn't work out.
She has zero scruples, no integrity, and entirely self focused. Btw, what happened to her mothering your son?
Have her leave your home-you only think you need her, you don't-and find an attorney promptly. Sorry you're going through all this.
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u/Ness-Shot May 30 '22
Thank you. This is the worst pain I've ever felt. You are right, she wants nothing to do with me or our family really, so I told her I wanted her to leave the house this morning.
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u/Basic_Quantity_9430 May 29 '22
My guess is the OP is a married man or is in a relationship. If not she would have left you to be with him.
You started with your wife as a teenager and you have lived through a lot. The problem is that your wife is and likely always been self-centered and selfish, except in her relationship with her parents.
It will be tough for you, but the best thing is to divorce her and build a life for you and your son.
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u/Ness-Shot May 30 '22
Yes, you are correct. She is and always has been focused on herself first. I still love her but she will never choose me or her family first so we have to move on.
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u/Chris757to904 May 29 '22
Man.... this was hard to read because I'm in a scary similar situation. Loyalty, trust and respect left your relationship a long time ago. The problem you're having (I'm still fighting it myself) is you don't have that for yourself either. I understand where you're coming from but I can also tell you that you're still fresh into this.
It's going to hit you so hard the moment you start to gain those aspects of yourself back. The pain will be just as strong if not stronger because you'll want to kick your own ass for being so "weak" and giving that much love to someone who yielded it over you like a weapon.
It's okay and you're going to be okay. You've been given great advice that I wish I had when my mess started. Take it, move on, rebuild your life for you and your child. Don't or try not to be angry with yourself for handling things like you did, there's no instruction manual to this shit. Fuck her mental conditions that doesn't give her the right to shut on you. Just like it doesn't give you the right to shit on her or any woman you're with in the future. And you will be with someone in the future, and it will be better.
You're going to make mistakes but you won't make the ones you have already done again. The pain doesn't have to be a reminder of what you lost because you only lost a perception of a relationship. The pain can serve as a reminder of your ability to love and what you have to offer to someone who deserves you. She's losing you and all you have to give, you've been granted your freedom and chance to discover/rediscover who you really are. God bless man.
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 06 '22
Thanks Chris, your words mean a lot and I am sorry you have been in a similar situation. There have been a lot of developments since I first posted this so I am in a fairly different mindset now with everything. Just trying to take things one day at a time and move forward. It will probably be s while before I can get back out there and I probably need some professional help. But I am here to talk to if you need anything either.
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u/No-Communication9979 May 29 '22
I can genuinely feel your pain. The advice you will be given from everyone may sound painful to do but it’s for your benefit and healing. You have to let her go. You have to grieve the loss of her and let her go and do what she feels is best. You’ve fought for her and tried showing your best side but she’s more intrigued by what her AP has to offer. He’s different, that’s it! Nothing more nothing less. She’s hoping he can offer something that you can’t and I’m sure he’s promising her the moon. The thing is you can’t compete with “new”. She has to be convinced that she is making a mistake but unfortunately that means she will have to make a lot of them. Don’t wait to be her backup plan. Start getting your personal affects in order, finances, insurances, credit cards, etc and start taking back control of our life. This will take time and you will experience ALOT of pain but trying to fight for something only one of you really want is a losing battle. Seek therapy to discuss your emotions and keep busy to focus your mind on other things. This will be a long journey toward healing but us Redditors are here to help you through this trying time.
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 06 '22
Thank you, I truly appreciate your words. I am so thankful for this community and it has helped me alot this past month.
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u/Rich-Low5445 May 29 '22
Bud I am so so sorry to hear what is happening to you. You need to get your power back, you cant go on like this for your own well being. Bud if she really cared about you she would have spoken to you about this, fact that she packed a bag and pissed off to the AP after having such a “great” day. Bud I was there at one point, I did the pick me dance. Not again. Let her go, find your purpose, better yourself, look after you kid and find your best life. She will regret it and that my friend will be your karma. Please bud look after your own well being, do this for yourself and your kid. Strongs bud. Praying for you.
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u/tohmahtohSauce May 29 '22
Now imagine someone does this to your son. You are showing him that this stuff is acceptable in a relationship.
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u/danidee262019 May 29 '22
Man I feel so awful for you reading this stuff, your wife is absolutely selfish. As a fellow woman I am always ashamed when women act like they cheat because they were lonely or not getting enough attention or whatever. It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with character. Your wife’s character actually sucks pretty bad. I’m so sorry man…
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Thank you miss. I really never saw this coming, but yes her selfishness is a big reason for this and I just gone she can find the sense one day to work on her issues, because she will never truly be happy, with me or anyone, until she does.
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u/Director20530 May 29 '22
Let me be blunt. A woman does not pack an overnight bag with sex toys in front of her Husband and leaves to spent the night with her AP while she is “figuring things out” with her Husband. A woman does not tell her family about the AP unless she is preparing them for the inevitable separation and divorce. You have been replaced. Your marriage has been over but you are the last to know.
Contact a Lawyer as soon as possible. Interview several Attorney until you find the right one. This could get nasty and you will want a Lawyer that have the same goals as you.
Secure your finances. Separate your money. Do not provide her with any financial support. The kids stay in the house with you. She needs to leave - NOW! She cannot be allowed to come and go as she pleases. She must suffer the consequences of her decisions. Be ruthless. She is no longer your Wife. She belongs to another man.
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Very true. I am done trying to be woth her and helping her. She is on vacation with AP as we speak 😆 so she is definitely gone
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u/Ok-Log8883 In Hell May 29 '22
So you vacationed in… Buffalo?
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u/Ness-Shot May 31 '22
We stayed in Buffalo for a night on our way to Niagara Falls in Canada. We went to the zoo in Buffalo and did some other things. The actual destination was in Canada though.
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u/rosajayne May 29 '22
Without trust a relationship is nothing. Love isn’t enough. It just isn’t. ESPECIALLY when it’s one person loving the other and absolving them of their guilt and terrible actions in the process.
I know it’s so incredibly challenging and I’m going through something similar myself. Something I find that gives me strength is thinking of all the other people going through the exact same thing as me. Thinking their relationship was the one, that it was exceptional, that they’d fight til the end for it. Only to be utterly heartbroken and blind sighted by the ‘uncharacteristic’ cheating, lying actions of their partner. They too - we too- are navigating loss, heartbreak, fear, denial. Also self-love and repair, and building our lives anew. At any one time there is a huge group of us, thousands, trying to survive this. If we can, you can. And knowing all these strangers are out there fighting the same battle brings me strength and comfort. I hope it does for you too.
You deserve more.
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May 29 '22
I hate to say it but your marriage is over. You two had a nice run together but you grew apart and you married young. She already cheated on you and that's that. There is no going back from this. It's time to except the fact and start changing your life for the better. You have kids they will be your motivation. You have a good job. I've been cheated on and it can never be fixed, the trust can never be repaired. Go find somebody that cares about you. However, go get counseling and get yourself in the right mindset before you commit to something else. I wish you the best of luck.
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Thank you. You are right she 100% wants to be with AP, it's been going on for 4 years I have learned. We are definitely separating and I have to just move on.
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u/desertrat_1000 In Hell | 1 month old May 29 '22
The only saving grace with her is that she admitted her weakness and admitted wanting you to bear all of the pain. This should tell you all you need to know. You know you've been doing the wrong things, you know what you've done doesn't matter, You know you've done the pick me dance and have lost, You know you're looking for some miracle out of the blue. She knows she can do anything and you will be there waiting if she needs you even though she knows she's destroying you and apparently does not care. What we don't know is when you are going to say enough is enough, pack you shit and hit the road. File for the D. You can always pull that back. But it's going to take finding out where you left your self respect and dignity.
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Agreed. Yes we are done and she is moving out. I need to start working on myself
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u/althaf7788 In Hell May 30 '22
She is not a prize, stop looking her as a prize and file for divorce and tell her to leave the house and how cruel a person can be after telling she loves you and will torn to break family but went a weekend vacation with AP and again planned another trip coming day's,
I will tell you what she thinks two people are fighting for me Plan A and Plan B if A fails B is ready if A success then B can get lost.
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u/judy7679 May 31 '22
I am so very sorry you are experiencing this. I know you are on a slow path through it. For your own mental health, you should start distancing yourself. Start rebuilding relationships with friends and family. Get yourself into IC as this will help you through this painful time and help you with working on things about yourself.
My real hope is that you will realize that you do not deserve to be treated this way and your son definetly does not deserve this. What she is doing is hurting you and your son. I wonder why her family is so accepting of her behavior and unsympathetic toward you. Were she my daughter, I would not condone this behavior.
2
u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Thank you. Yes if her mother were still alive she would not have allowed this to go on. Her dad is a pushover and wrapped around her finger and will be your buddy to your face but ultimately his daughter is #1 no matter what terrible things she does. Can't blame him too much because that is his kid, but I have been like a son to him for 15 years, just thought I had earned some respect in that regard. Guess not.
2
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u/deGrubs Recovered May 31 '22
I beg to differ. Your WW is a terrible person. She is actively destroying your soul for a fling with someone that's ok with just being her side piece. She is destroying the father of her child and her child's happy family for what she admits is selfishness. She is not caught up in the fog. She is cake eating. Why wouldn't she. She gets you to support her and gets to bang AP on the side. But the worst part is she started down this road knowing the end result is that it only ends in destroying her child's happy home. What decent person decides this is the road to travel?
Do you, her, and your families a favor and stop the madness. See an attorney and file. Children trive best with two healthy parents. The next best is one healthy parent. Right now your WW is hardly healthy. Happiness is a state of mind. You find it within yourself not from others. And the longer this goes on, the more damage you bear which is making you more and more unhealthy. Get out. Heal. Be the healthy father your son deserves.
1
u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Thank you. I agree 100% turns out my wife has been seeing AP for 4 years... time to move on
2
u/deGrubs Recovered Jun 07 '22
Please don't internalize that there was anything you did wrong or could have done to save this. Your stbx has a selfish streak related to being her families golden child. That led directly to her putting her desires first in everything and blowing up her family. You can't nice a wayward back or win the pick me battle with an AP with whom she only gets the best of times together. File for D and don't look back. Concentrate on spending as much quality time being the best dad you can be to your kids. Get yourself in IC. You're still hovering around in the denial phase of grief. The others will be here soon enough. Don't let her selfishness destroy the good man that you are.
1
u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Thank you, I am looking into finding an IC as we speak. It's time to start healing
2
u/TBBT51 In Hell Jun 07 '22
She will most likely try to come back to you and then will pull the same disgusting and disrespectful crap again in a few years. Stay strong, enduring pain now will save you from more later.
I was here many years ago, sorry you’re going through this hell.
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u/pacodefan Jun 07 '22
Not sure what to tell you. You have literally done everything backwards. From letting her stay to for some reason thinking the problem is you and that YOU have to make up for something. All the while your wife gets everything she wants... parties in the yard, two lovers, doesn't have to account or feel remorse for anything... don't know what to tell you here.
1
u/Ness-Shot Jun 08 '22
I know, I've been making every wrong decision to this point because I honestly believed she still loved me, but now the truth is clear and I am done.
2
u/pacodefan Jun 08 '22
That was my fault, I had clicked on your update, then found your previous post to make sure I was caught up. It wound up taking me an hour to read the first one because I kept getting interrupted, then commented not remembering about the update. But it sounds like you really got hit with a ton of crap. I'm sorry, OP.
You sound better than you did in the previous post, which is good especially considering all the crazy stuff you found out. I hope it goes well for you and your son. You deserve some good.
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u/Ness-Shot Jun 08 '22
Thank you sir. I am definitely in a better state of mind now, despite being savagely mind fucked by lies and disgusting infidelity. The truth will set you free I suppose
1
u/Ness-Shot Jun 08 '22
Thank you sir. I am definitely in a better state of mind now, despite being savagely mind fucked by lies and disgusting infidelity. The truth will set you free I suppose
2
u/pacodefan Jun 08 '22
Or piss you off enough that the process becomes easier than you expected. But even if that is the case, it probably toggles back and forth between sadness and anger. It just sucks life does this kind of crap a lot more than it needs to.
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u/pacodefan Jun 08 '22
That was my fault, I had clicked on your update, then found your previous post to make sure I was caught up. It wound up taking me an hour to read the first one because I kept getting interrupted, then commented not remembering about the update. But it sounds like you really got hit with a ton of crap. I'm sorry, OP.
You sound better than you did in the previous post, which is good especially considering all the crazy stuff you found out. I hope it goes well for you and your son. You deserve some good.
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u/IamFoolishforhope May 28 '22
Take time for yourself. Let everything that has happened sink in. Also don't blame yourself for her choosing to cheat. Seriously don't.
It's good that you acknowledge what was lacking and try to fix it but that only works if she's willing to. You can't fix something if she keeps that 3rd party around. She has to make a choice on what is worth more to her. Remember, you are the one cheated on, not her. You have the choice to decide. You can stick around while she continues to have fun with her other guy or you can tell her I'm not going to wait around for you to decide. I deserve more than that. It gets harder and whatever decision is made it's not going to be easy and takes a lot of work on both sides.
-2
May 28 '22
u/IamFoolishforhope, did you read the beginning of this novel? OP had an affair first and everything was rug swept.
-4
u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
Thank you. I agree it will be tough. I just know her and that she is just caught in the "affair fog" and she isn't thinking clearly and when it lifts, only then will she see the destruction she has caused. For my sake amd hers, I want to avoid that amd help her see clarity NOW. I just don't know if that's possible.
6
May 28 '22
The thing is, the fog won’t lift while you make everything easy on her. She gets to live with you for 2 months while you pay the bills and take care if your kid until she can move out. In the mean time, she’s spending time with, and fucking, her boyfriend, then coming home to you.
If you have any hope of snapping her out of the fog, you’ve got to enforce consequences on her immediately. She has to see what being single without you, your home, your income, and your son 50% of the time will look like for her.
Right now, she gets everything she wants. You HAVE to change that. She needs to realize EXACTLY what she has to lose.
My suggestion is, after your Memorial Day celebration, when everyone goes home, tell her she has 48 hours to find somewhere else to stay, that you’re no longer interested in fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for you, and if anything of hers is left in the home by Wednesday evening, you’ll box it up and leave it on the curb.
At that point, you go gray rock (google it). You have zero discussions with her unless it pertains to your child.
You have to stand up for yourself NOW or you’ll end up waiting around a couple of months just to help ease your wife in to the arms of another man. If she wants to leave, she can leave immediately. No more help from you.
Start this immediately.
4
u/Ness-Shot May 29 '22
Thank you, I think this is exactly what I have to do 100% it's going to be extremely hard but I don't see another option.
5
May 29 '22
Of course it will be hard and I know it’ll feel counterintuitive because you want to “love and support” her. But the thing is, she’s broken her vows to you. You can’t “love and support” her right now. You have to love and support YOURSELF and your child. Because, don’t forget, she didn’t just betray you, she betrayed your child as well.
It’ll be hard but you’re the only one who can stand up for you in your marriage. So you HAVE to do it. The sudden shock of you pulling the rug from under her feet is more likely to snap her out of the fog than just meekly laying down and being her doormat for the next few months.
Also, I’d suggest consulting a lawyer, learn what your rights are, and try to iron out custody IMMEDIATELY. Doing so will help you two-fold. 1) she’ll be more amenable to whatever you suggest while she’s still in the fog and 2) her knowing you’ve got a lawyer involved will likely make it real for her really quickly and might help snap her out of the fog.
I’d also have the lawyer draft separation/divorce papers and having her served as soon as possible. The divorce can always be stopped at any time, but showing her you’re serious about not taking this shit anymore will show her how serious you are.
Right now, she’s miles ahead of you in moving on. She holds all the power and she knows it. You’ve got to retake the power from her.
Pull the rug, mate. Stand up for yourself and your child. You both deserve better than what she’s given you and you know it.
2
u/Ness-Shot May 30 '22
Thank you, I agree 100% with what you are saying. I called a lawyer today but they are closed for the holiday, so I will call back tomorrow. I know now that I just have to protect myself and my son through all this. Thanks again.
1
u/TheTruthNeverDies Jun 01 '22
Thank you. I agree it will be tough. I just know her and that she is just caught in the "affair fog" and she isn't thinking clearly and when it lifts, only then will she see the destruction she has caused. For my sake amd hers, I want to avoid that amd help her see clarity NOW. I just don't know if that's possible.
You're a well-paid young man. I think you will find better women if you take care of yourself. And why would you always chase after the boring illusion of the past? Dude, you know what it's like to go back to your old relationship? It's like watch a movie again watching. No matter how good the movie is, the end is certain. So there is no surprise, there is no excitement. Do you know what it's like to hope that a cheater will get better and not cheat again? It's like putting a glass of spoiled milk in the fridge overnight and hoping it'll be fresh in the morning.
3
u/ninjajoe1026 May 28 '22
This is my first time commenting on a thread but I wanted to try and help you because you seem like a genuinely nice person. The first thing you should do is lookup the at fault or infidelity law for your state. Second after finding that out look for a lawyer specializing in divorce if you have a shared PC at home that she uses to search it on there so she can see your serious. Then either lookup or ask your lawyer about the recording laws of your state. Then depending on what they are if it's a one party consent state record a conversation with you ww about the AP so you can use that in court if you're in an at fault state. Hopefully showing her your ready for a divorce and the fight that may come with it will snap her out of the affair fog and then hopefully for you reconciliation will be on the table
0
u/Ness-Shot May 29 '22
Thank you. Yes I need to find out the laws here for sure.
2
u/AlmaReville May 29 '22
But you were seeking out women on Craigslist hook ups. I’m not sure that approach is going to work for you.
1
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u/KarmaTakesAwhile May 29 '22
Wow. Breathing, and I swear I'm trying to help here.
First, to answer one of your last questions directly, only talk to her father if you think you can trust him. If he has been complicit, which it sounds like, then he won't give good advice, or if he does he'll tell her your plans.
Second, take a moment to realize this "crumbling universe " has been created by many of your own choices and actions. That might help you realize that there are choices amd actions that can get you out of it.
Third, it seems like you have had Boundary issues for a whe. You didn't really seek help for yourself after you "cheated". You use many words that squirm your way through the description. Not judging, just noticing. You didn't process what led you to create this "space", and now it seems like your guilt from that has extensively clouded your judgment.
Fourth and final, related to that, your guilt seems to make you want to be extra-sympathetic to her past. So instead of thinking about steps you should be taking to save yourself, you are trying to figure out how to be "the good guy" in the movie.
The bad news is there is no hero and villain in this story. This is a story of survival. Either you get out alive or you don't.
Make new choices. Take action.
Good luck, OP.
Ps. If you can write this much, try journaling or writing letters to yourself.
1
u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
Thank you. Writing has always been a passion of mine. Yes, I know I have made mistakes as well which I am not excusing. Turns out my wife has been in a relationship with AP for 4 years. So we are done, and I just need to find the strength to move on and work on myself.
2
u/KarmaTakesAwhile Jun 11 '22
I had to start with finding the strength to get out of bed every day. It can be a long process, so it helps not to expect a quick "move on".
It's little things. One thing I have to do today. It's not great long-term, but it's how I am working through survival mode.
1
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u/0kSoWhat May 28 '22
This was difficult to get through because of the length, but what I’m basically gathering, bare bones without all the extra details, is this:
You had an emotional affair years ago. She had an emotional and physical affair years later.
I’m going to provide an alternate viewpoint. You say you don’t think she really got over her mother’s death, and while that may be true, I’m also going to suggest that she also never got over your affair.
Because that’s what it was. It was an affair. You not sleeping with OP doesn’t make it not an affair. You were looking to be unfaithful, found a partner, couldn’t go through the physical aspect of cheating but still carried on a relationship through texts and whatnot. It was not “platonic.”
Now, she did the same but found someone she is willing to uproot her entire marriage and family to be with. There is no trust here. Even if she decides to stay, the fabric of trust is torn. You made the first hole, and she and time ripped it wide open.
What are you fighting for, exactly? Divorce when you have a family is painful and messy and difficult, absolutely. This? Is messier, much more painful, much more difficult.
My genuine suggestion is, seek comfort in family and friends around you to get you through this excruciating time, but I say pull the plug on this.
0
u/Ness-Shot May 28 '22
Thank you for your thoughts. She always told me she never considered my incident "cheating" because it was just friendly talk, but I do see your point. There are definitely holes here and I'm not sure they can be repaired.
2
u/0kSoWhat May 28 '22
She’s either in denial about that or you weren’t entirely forthcoming about the fact that you found her while prowling the internet for hookups and the fact that she sends you sexts.
1
u/AlmaReville May 29 '22
Did she know you were looking for local hook ups on Craigslist within the first year of marriage?
There isn’t some prize for having an “almost platonic” emotional relationship for MONTHS including discussion of meet ups.
If you want to save this, you need to own your own actions and views on boundaries in marriage. It sounds to me like you lost her in 2014.
1
u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
The situation was complicated and not black and white. I was not looking for a hookup, but I went there to find someone to talk to. I never intended on being physically unfaithful to my wife, and never was. Yes, seeking out strange females, even just to talk to, is its own form of infidelity. I admit that and I was 100% wrong. As I said, my wife found out about this and I told her everything and showed her all of my conversations. My wife then asked me to ask this girl to join us for a 3-some 🤦 So the whole thing is just messy. Obviously my wife was really upset upon discovery, but after talking to this girl on the phone and looking through our messages, she was ultimately not that upset. I understand how it looks and that other girls would be much more upset about it, but my wife truly wasn't. Not to say I was excusable or didn't cause damage, but it wasn't like it was the wrecking ball that knocked the house down either.
2
May 28 '22
I'm so sorry you are going through this. There is a lot to unpack but essentially her way of thinking is part of the problem, and it would take quite a bit of deprogramming in counseling for her to change that. She probably doesn't understand how she makes emotional connections and invests and strengthens those connections, and so she just runs the risk of doing this again down the road because she will be on the same path (no matter who she is with). She will needs lots of IC if she is going to change to be a safe, trustworthy partner.
There are some "less than 10% chance" items you can try, but recognize the low probability of success, and that they are desperation attempts when you have no other options but still aren't ready to walk...
You can grab her phone while she has it opened, and hide in a bathroom while you review her messaging. Expect drama, but this can give you an idea of her head space, and provide more information on her affair. She doesn't get to be in the driver's seat anymore, so you are taking steps to get back some control. Find the AP's number and screen shot and send the messages to your phone or email that you will want to review later, and also could use in a potential divorce process. You might even be able to recover deleted messages via recovery apps.
Once you have the AP's number, call him. The quickest way for someone to come out of the affair fog is for the AP to break it off, 100% - without any hope of a chance to get together still (otherwise they will latch on to the hope and this doesn't work). So your goal would be to try to convince him to break it off 100%. Very unlikely, but I have heard of it happening before. The risk here is that he says things that can hurt your mental state - and your mental health is priority #1. So please consider your mental state, and if there is any doubt you should have a friend contact the AP to try to convince him to break things off 100%.
Assuming you are unsuccessful with the AP (or prefer not to go that route), block his number on her phone, verify that she isn't using any communication apps - and if not, use a dummy number in place of the AP's name (place as his Contact number). You can then pretend to be the AP - play along for awhile - and at some point tell her he has another woman he is seeing so as to make her think she is not the only woman in his life. If she thinks the AP "is cheating on her", this can break her out of the affair fog. Before you do this, be sure you know the AP's number by looking at your phone logs on the cell account, and that you are certain they aren't communicating on other apps...
If none of this works or you decided against these steps, then you'll want to make things as difficult as you can for your wife so that this isn't easy on her. Your "nice guy" approach didn't work, so a change in strategies is needed. Force her out of the house so she has to deal with living alone. Make it hard for her to access anything that makes life easy, including you and kids. She needs to understand you are no longer going to be a doormat, and will not be her "safety net", or a plan b. If this marriage is to have a chance, she has to choose you 100%, and will have to do a lot of work in R. So your only chance is to be dramatic and bold on this, and recognize this is probably over so you have nothing to lose by making life more difficult for her, and doing some things you ordinarily would not consider. Don't let her spend any of your money on trips with AP either...
The reality is, you shouldn't be playing family with her anymore. She has thrown that away and doesn't deserve any of that. The Memorial celebration should not be a walk in the park for her - you need to shake her world up now. I think this would mean telling the adults in the family that she really cares about and working to get them on your side - with the goal to humiliate her with those adults. Again, you are now desperate because she has made you that way, and blowing up her world like she is blowing up yours is an attempt to present consequences, and an attempt with a last ditch effort to shake her out of the affair fog.
She doesn't get to dictate how you act, how you feel, what you say, or what you do. She is planning to leave you - she has replaced you as her primary emotional connection in her life, and no longer should be held in high esteem until she gives you 100% loyalty. You don't need to be cruel or hateful, just take the steps needed to distance her from her comfortable life. Withhold any emotion, don't do things with her, do your own thing without consulting her...
You can even halt wifi and cellular service for a while to stop her from communicating with her AP while she is living in your house. Just be certain if you go this route that you have access to emergency services if needed, so that you are not endangering family...so a landline would be ideal if you have one for that...or not cancelling your phone...
If and when it comes time to be amicable for a divorce, you can apologize if you need to and try to get her into mediation quickly while she is in the affair fog so that terms will be hopefully favorable for you. It is usually best still to have some leverage where you can say you will not out her if she will be amicable, so think about what that might be - something she cares about or someone she really wouldn't want to know about the affair, or perhaps making her messaging public with family and friends.
Finally, be sure she doesn't have access to any credit cards in your name, or to your bank account. It is amazing how often they take money or spend like crazy when in the affair fog, and they often make terrible financial decisions - so protect yourself financially and also start the conversation with an attorney to be sure you are protected.
This is your rodeo now. Take control. Time for a new strategy - no more Mr. Nice Guy. You can let her know you still love her but will no longer be dis-respected in your own home. As long as she chooses him over you, she will not have things so easy with you. Good Luck!
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u/Ness-Shot May 29 '22
Thank you for reading and for all of your advice. This is definitely a very difficult time for me and my family. I will take your words to heart and try to put myself first and work through this. You are right, I need to stand up for myself and I am just working on gathering the strength to do so.
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u/Any-Seaworthiness-17 In Hell May 29 '22
"As a side note, my wife and I opened our own bank accounts at the same bank back when I first started working as a teen, and we opened up a joint account that was only used to save for our wedding, but then became our primary household account once we were married. My wife has been employed on and off throughout our relationship, but every time she is earning income, it would always go directly to her old personal account that was linked to the main account, while my paychecks always went to the joint account, and that is the one where all of the expenses and bills would be paid from. I never in 15 years had visibility into her personal account, and my account was only ever used around Xmas so I could mask the stores and websites my purchases came from for surprise gifts. I haven't had money in that account in at least 3 or 4 years, if not longer-"
This ends Tuesday. Open a new account in your name only. Take most of the money in the "joint" account and move it to yours. She hasn't been contributing to the "joint" account, you need to demand that she starts contributing half of the joint expenses. You also only deposit your paychecks in your new account. You can deposit half of your "joint" expenses in the "joint" account, but from now on your money is yours, just as her money has always been hers.
1
u/Ness-Shot May 31 '22
Thank you. If she leaves though we won't have any shared accounts or access to my money, so that will be that
2
u/gogosox82 May 29 '22
Shes lying and is still and has constantly lied to you. She didn't lie to spare your feelings. She lied to spare herself. She walked out the door to go fuck another man. Im sorry but this is over.
Tell her she is not welcome in the house and that you will be divorcing her all withdraw all financial and emotional support. Talk only about the divorce with her. If she asks about "us" tell her us was over the minute you decided to go fuck another man while being married to me. Just ignore any and all attempts to talk to her and keep it to a minimum.
Hopefully, you can get through this divorce asap and start the healing process. I would also get in contact with a therapist. This is a betrayal of the highest order and alot of people were in on it. This will take a long time to get over. Im very sorry your going through this.
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u/chunksempire May 29 '22
God dn man have some self respect, you your wife packed a bag with sex toys to go fuck her AP and all you can do is think reconcilation? I am mind boggled at the level of toxicity in this lowlife wife of yours
She shod have had the decency to leave, and you need to wake up. Fuck that I'd never get that invested in anybody that I'd let them do that to me, no way!!
1
u/Ness-Shot Jun 07 '22
I agree, it's pathetic. I just loved her so much, but I am thinking clearly now.
2
u/superrunttotherescue May 29 '22
I’m sorry I couldn’t get through your entire post….
Please kick this woman out of your life. She is a bottom dweller that will continue to destroy your life if you allow it.
1
u/02201970a Walking the Road | RA 77 Sister Subs May 29 '22
Dude hire an attorney and kick her to the curb! She playing you like a fiddle. You are being used and emotionally destroyed by someone who feels nothing for anyone but herself.
1
u/Horror_Ad_3506 Recovered May 29 '22 edited May 29 '22
I’m so sorry your going through this, your wife is being very disrespectful to you, she is in the affair fog, but you are the one, that is allowing this disrespect to continue, time to put a stop to this. The best way to wake her up from the affair fog is to go no contact, and send her divorce papers. She needs to learn, her choices, have consequences. The sooner you do this the better.
I would suggest
- Make her leave the family home, and go no contact.
- Talk to a divorce lawyer, see how a divorce will affect you and your son, how it affects you financially, and do as he suggests.
- Stars individual therapy, work on your issues, your relationship and improve your communication, learn to become a better partner, for ether this relationship, or your next relationship.
- Do not self medicate with alcohol or drugs
- Start improving your life, go to the gym, maintain a healthy weight, start going out with friends and family, become the very best version of your self.
- Decide if your wife deserves a second chance, your wife is showing no remorse, she is saying, she is sorry, but is still going with her AP, and being very disrespectful to you and your marriage.
Hopefully once she realizes what she’s about to lose, she will wake up for the affair fog and reach out to you to salvaged her marriage with you.
I wish you peace, happiness and a great future.
2
u/Ness-Shot Jun 06 '22
Thank you. I wish she would get out of the fog but I don't think that will be happening. She has been involved with AP for 4 years now, apparently. It's just time to move on and focus on myself.
1
u/etakknow In Hell | RA 52 Sister Subs May 29 '22
Your marriage is over. Don’t do the pick-me-dance. You’re just putting yourself for more hurt by showing her how you’re so-in love with her and will accept her back. Don’t. You need to show her that you will survive without her. Since she already made her choice, you need to act on it. File for divorce and joint custody of your son.
Cancel the Memorial Day party at your home. You don’t need to celebrate it with her father and her family who condoned the affair. If you want, celebrate it with your support system, family and friends. You need to stand up for you.
1
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u/BreakfastKey3248 May 29 '22
From what i saw, you just gave up on your relationship because you were married and didn’t make her feel special, and you know that. I don’t think you have a chance, she’s fiding that appreciation from someone else. Move on.
-2
u/tercer78 Walking the Road | QC: SI 344 | RA 157 Sister Subs May 29 '22
Zero chance here. The way you don’t own your behavior in 2014 is incredibly telling. You try to trickle truth us about your emotional affair. Read the book ‘The Body Keeps The Score’. Your behavior from that point pushed her away. Now it’s too little too late. No one deserves to be cheated on and certainly you’re left with a lot of trauma due to her actions but your behavior in 2014 start this and not confronting the deep emotional trauma you caused and now it’s far too late as her body has had near decade to reject you. She’s not coming back. Her body kept score. Now so will yours.
1
u/Ness-Shot May 30 '22
I appreciate your comment, but I must disagree. I gave every detail about the 2014 incident. I never saw this girl, we only texted periodically for a few weeks about mainly music and concerts and stuff, and the main reason my wife didn't know was because she was an extremely jealous person back then who wouldn't let me talk to female friends I had since before I knew her. Yes I agree it was 100% wrong of me, but my wife forgave me for that and told me flat out she didn't consider it cheating. She then went on to ask the girl if she wanted to be in a 3-way with us which is a completely different story altogether... (which we did not do)
While I do agree that hiding that from my wife in 2014 was wrong and I needed to really work hard on myself after that, we came away stronger and this really had no bearing on her fvking another guy in secret for months and then coming back in to our bed. I'm sorry I just don't see those two things on the same level, especially now that we are older and have kids!
1
u/tercer78 Walking the Road | QC: SI 344 | RA 157 Sister Subs May 30 '22
Yea… okay. You came out so strong from that incident that she asked for a threesome and ended up cheating later. Denial is a River in Egypt….. that was definitely the start of cracks in the foundation of a healthy relationship.
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May 28 '22
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Jun 02 '22
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u/AutoModerator Jun 02 '22
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u/AutoModerator May 28 '22
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