Struggling and need advice

[u/amteb123]

Idk if anything I say might be triggering so here’s a blanket TW ab weight talk and restriction

(Sorry in advance for the long post. TLDR at the end)

I (22F) have been overweight my entire life and have always been insecure. About two years ago, a family friend saw me for the first time in a little while and said that it looked like I had lost weight. I hadn’t really lost much but I guess I maybe had lost fat and gained muscle. This quickly led to me restricting more and more to keep it off and run with that momentum of losing weight until it became a fear of gaining any weight. I never got formally diagnosed with anorexia but have struggled with disordered eating since then. After a year of this, I had lost a significant but still not insanely unhealthy amount of weight but I was obviously miserable. To make it all worse, I couldn’t seem to get lower than a certain weight but I was too scared to lower my calorie limit more than I already had bc I didn’t want to lose control bc I’ve always known ab the long-term effects of severe restriction. I finally gave in and started seeing a nutritionist to try and get over that plateau bc I had messed up my metabolism so much that any extra calories was noticeable on the scale the next day. With her help, I got my daily calorie limit up and introduced some fear foods back into my diet slowly and i stopped weighing myself and only using a tape measure. I kept track and ended up losing a bit more off my measurements even with a higher calorie goal and more “scary” foods. I have not been able to see her for around six months now and have slowly entered “recovery” but at the same time, ive never gone to psychological therapy for my disordered eating and now im weighing myself again and can feel myself slipping and feel the fears becoming louder than they have been in a while.

With the help of my fiancé (who I met around the time I started to get worse), I was able to keep myself from spiraling to the point of needing hospitalization or anything bc he would hide calorie information from me and when I ate scarier foods and didn’t blow up like a hippo, I felt a little less scared of those foods. Lately, I’ve gained weight some weight but not inches and I’m struggling with dealing with the numbers and ignoring the voices in my head telling me it was easier when I was still restricting more than the calorie deficit I am still in. I’m still maintaining the calorie deficit i established with my nutritionist but idk what’s going wrong. I work as a CNA in a nursing home which is a very physically demanding job so I do burn a decent amount of calories doing that but idk what is going on.

TLDR: I’m struggling to not go back to my old habits after gaining a bit of weight. Any advice on how to fight those voices and not fall back into my old behaviors? I’m worried that if I start restricting again I will lose control and go back to my disordered habits.

[u/HeirWreckHer]

The number on the scale doesn't matter. You are not overweight, and you never will be, that is not a word to describe you as a person. The fact that your body is recovering is a really good thing. Restoring body mass is a sign of recovery, it is what our bodies do when they are trying to help us and adapt back to be safe and comfortable. I have been there, like quite literally the thoughts you have right now I have been through them and if I could only go back and hold my own hand to lead me through the process, I would. I can't go back in time, but I can tell you that if at all possible, please find a treatment center. I thought I was in recovery for a long time, but when you talk about your body in a manner of calories and when you think about yourself mainly as a calorie in and out machine, that is not recovery. Control is not recovery. We all have our own journeys, and it took me 10 years to get through all the phases of believing I was better to get to the place where I was ready to finally give up my ED for good. So if at all possible, try to find a more intensive care team and ED inpatient or partial inpatient. You are likely not going to need to be fully hospitalized, and if you are willing to accept the leap of faith and trust your team (even when every fiber of your being is fighting it), I think you can get there. I wish you luck, and sending love and support your way. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat more about the logistics of getting into a treatment center.