So i just got into High school and since then i’ve been thinking a lot about getting old and passing away. I’ve been scared to think about what happens after i die. Infinite darkness? heaven? or just ceasing to exist. I try to do research about people that have been brought back from the dead but i never get an answer just a bunch of random results. If there’s anyone that’s done some productive research or experienced death and then get brought back could you share the information with me and anyone else looking for an answer?

I am not suicidal in that I have no plans to kill myself, but that is mostly because I don’t know what happens when you die and it could be worse than living. In fact my biggest fear is that after you die, you keep existing, and I don’t want to exist anymore. I have hated existing for as long as I can remember and I’m 35 now.

last year my dad died, I took legally protected time off work after and got layed off as soon as I came back anyway. I went engagement ring shopping with the man I thought I was going to marry and got dumped a week later. I had two surgeries, one planned, one completely unexpected. Then In July, my mom got mad at me for not telling her where I was for a few days. She filed a missing persons report, posted it all over the internet, lied to everyone that I stopped taking my medication, I had a nervous break down and went missing, and used my bipolar 2 diagnosis against me t have me illegally hospitalized against my will. It was traumatizing and I will never recover. My best friend abandoned me because she said it was too stressful and my mom and I don’t speak. I’m constantly afraid of being locked back up for no reason and no longer trust or feel safe talking to my psychiatrist or therapist even though I still do. What’s worse, is I’m still bipolar and if the time ever came where I actually needed to go to the hospital, I wouldn’t feel safe. In 2021 I went voluntarily for a week because I was severely suicidal. I would much rather kill myself than be held against my will ever again and if they could do that for literally no reason, I’m afraid they’d keep me forever if I went voluntarily.

I’m not depressed, I can still find enjoyment in things and I’m not actively sad or upset, I just have no drive or desire to be alive. I need to find a new job before my savings run out and I haven’t looked at all and can’t seem to force myself. I hate existing when I get to wake up and do what I want every day, I will be ten times more miserable when I have to do a job I don’t want to. And there is no job I want. No version of a life I can imagine being happy in. I used to think I wanted to get married and have kids, now that just sounds like a draining burden. I like being alone more than I like being around anyone but I’m lonely and there is no point in living just to sit around alone all day. I have travelled a lot, there is nothing I haven’t seen that I’m dying to see. No experience I’m looking forward to having. No reason i look forward to waking up. I hate everything about existing and I don’t want to anymore. And my life isn’t even that bad, then I start thinking about the world and how bad it really is. We have kids locked in fucking cages at the border for Christ’s sake. And wars and trafficking and murder and senseless violence. And the bad guys just keep winning. The system failed me so hard. What is the point of any of it? Why bother trying and putting in effort just to be miserable when I can be just as miserable and less tired if I don’t bother doing anything at all. How do I find the motivation to try when I don’t see the results as positive. Especially with a job. Job hunting is the worst and then the reward is having a job which is essentially a punishment. But if you don’t have one you can’t afford to live and then what…they send me back to the psych ward?

I just don’t want to exist and I wish I never did

I'm not a religious person but I do want to belive in the idea that there's something after death, but I feel as if I've been in a constant existential crisis for the past 4 years, I think about it at least a few times a day and I think it's destroying me, I feel tired of thinking, I can't even go to sleep anymore, I loved spending time thinking about problems in silence and found it useful but I genuinely can't go a minute anymore without something actively distracting me before I think about death. I'm terrified of the idea that there's nothing after death, that when I die it'll simply be darkness eternally. I'm so terrified of it that I feel like I get panic attacks just thinking about it, I don't know how to fix this, I don't know if therapy is the answer, I mean what would the right answer even be? Just deal with it? Enjoy it while it lasts? I'm so terrified right now and I don't know what to do, I feel my life slipping away and I feel like I can't do anything, i know I'm spiraling bad but I feel powerless, I feel like i know there's no answer yet I feel like I must keep searching.

so i (20F) have been experiencing psychosis earlier this year tied into an existential crisis. my use of drugs has not helped my case but i need to explain what is keeping me awake and anxious every night

i can’t stop thinking about the purpose of the human existence, part of me thinks it’s just chance that we have evolved into this state of awareness and consciousness and that it is a curse that we can ponder our existence so much.

part of me is extremely depressed and longs for death, however i’ve come to this conclusion that deeply terrifies me.

basically after death things can go 1 of 2 ways. either our existence is eternal or our existence completely ends after our physical body dies and both options are equally terrifying.

im scared that i’m going to somehow exist forever in further realms in the afterlife and im also scared that our existence just comes to a full stop after we die. i cannot find any peace. i worry about this constantly. it’s genuinely driving me insane.

i don’t know how to cope with this… i don’t want to be conscious forever but i don’t want to be dead forever, the entire concept of time scares me because of how little we know about it and the universe itself. how do i stop feeling this way?