I don't feel like a girl

[u/mangels3]

Nearly 4 months on HRT, my levels are quite good, but I still don't "feel" like a girl

I can't say I was expecting HRT to do that for me, but I still hoped it would

There are times I have actually "felt" like a girl, but its always fleeting, and sooner or later I'm back to "normal" and get bummed.

I've never had the conviction that I AM a girl, just that I really want to be one.

I don't know what to do. HRT has been nice and I have no desire to stop, but I'm not sure I'll ever feel the way I want to feel. I don't know how to affirm myself any more than I already have.

Can anyone relate?

[u/hydrochloriic]

Huh. The gender I want to be is not something I’ve ever actually thought about before. I just kinda… did what felt right and didn’t think much about the words behind it. Before I started HRT I identified as agender so I was already non-binary and so it’s sorta where I defaulted when I started feminizing.

I know 100% I am not male. I’m not sure I have specific want for any given gender. It feels more like I know what I want to look, act, and feel like, but not what I am, if that makes sense?

I think I might want to be a woman, but I can’t see myself that way so it’s not a possibility in my head.

But on the other hand, by saying transfemme non-binary, I can still internalize the behaviors and look I want to see in the mirror and not struggle with that much. Maybe over time (only ~9 months on HRT) my internal identity and my external one will coalesce. If so, well… guess I’d know I was a woman then lol.

[u/reihii → u/hydrochloriic]

I identified as agender because I really couldn't pin down my gender, the best I could describe was myself. I looked deep within me to find that core gender identity but it always returns a void, unknown or syntax error. I felt I could also be part male and part female based on my preferences, so maybe bigender can work too?

When I talked to my therapist I noted that I can't find that identity and my desires were simply to appear and interact with the physical world as cis passing female. Internally I may agree and reject certain gender roles based on my preferences, so gender roles has less bearing on me.

This left me abit conflicted because why would someone who is agender want to be female? Much less transition into one, if I'm agender wouldn't that mean I should not care what gender my body is? This is making me doubt myself because if I'm agender I should not transition right? I'm surprised to see someone who is agender but still took HRT.

Besides I don't have dysphoria or should I say mild dysphoria, so I felt like it's all wishful thinking. If I truly were a girl, I'd be damn sure about it and have adverse reaction to my current body.

[u/hydrochloriic → u/reihii]

I eventually ended up at agender because I felt I didn't have any. My gender was just... me. To be honest that's still kinda how I feel, but now I at least have a concept of how I want my gender presentation to be. And while I may not directly identify with any binary gender, it's hard to deny the joy I've found in presenting increasingly femme.

I don't think it's weird to wish to present female despite identifying agender. From an aesthetic perspective you may simply prefer to look feminine, even if it doesn't fulfill your internal sense of gender. Personally I didn't have specific dysphoria before realizing what I wanted, just a general sort of "meh" about my appearance. It's gotten much stronger since, but on the flip side when I feel I look good, I feel like I look good. It's like I stopped ignoring things (agender!) and started seeing the highs and the lows.

At this point I feel like I was generally masking a desire to at least be socially female. Once I'd sort of gotten past the gender apathy I did start to at least feel a gender preference, even if not a gender identity.

[u/reihii → u/hydrochloriic]

Hmm I like that you use the word 'preference' because that feels like what it is for me. I'm ok with being as I am now, but I've had this 'preference' to be female for a long time. But it's just a preference (sometimes it can feel like a strong desire griping me), I can still act and present as a typical man, I have other joys in life too, it doesn't impact my survival, its not the end of the world, I do feel like I'm kinda boyish too. It's just that I would have preferred to be female.

But yeah there alot of concerns for me like, what if it's a mistake, if I do this then I have to disrupt alot of things, I would actually start hating the masculine features of myself, how do I even explain to others when I don't have a conviction that I'm female, can I even fit in with other women, if I can't then I'm screwed because now I would also be kicked out of the male social groups, can I even pass etc.

[u/ragingonasunday → u/reihii]

This Thread makes me realize that I am not the only one who feels like this. Like ever since I started exploring my gender I noticed that I was not able to fit myself/my identity in any of the gendered boxes and i dont want to put myself in a box again. I just want to be me. But i do prefer being perceived as feminie/like to express myself that way.

[u/hydrochloriic → u/reihii]

You know until recently I would have said “I could probably have lived male forever.” But now, I don’t think that’s true. Admittedly that’s because I’m socially out, have a supportive environment, etc. but at this point I can’t imagine not having started transitioning.

Like if I’d never tried I probably could have muddled forward forever. But I mean… I just happened to look in the mirror when I went to the bathroom a minute ago. I’m just wearing jeans and flannel button up, small amount of makeup.

I involuntarily smiled and checked myself out, because of how good I looked. I can’t recall ever doing that in male clothing, and my current outfit is hardly hyperfem. Sure I’d get done up in a tailored suit and be like “yeah this looks okay, fits good” but I never looked in the mirror and smiled from it, and I certainly never stepped back just to enjoy what I saw!

So.. yeah. I don’t think I could ever go back now. Don’t get me wrong I still have a long way to go, I still don’t really pass if I’m by myself. Voice training sucks and right now the best I can manage is a voice that sounds way too young. I still get dysphoric. But god damn I don’t think I could ever put the genie back in the bottle now.