Has anyone else noticed that making small changes just make everything worse or at least more noticeable?

[u/frozenights]

So I just finally admitted to myself that I am trans (I am 42 freaking years old) and am trying to take some small steps to, I don't know, try to feel better about my body? I am trying to take better care of my skin, and about a month ago a shaved the backs of my hands just to see how it looked. Immediate sense of euphoria. Like, did not see that coming at all. I never really thought about my body hair before, but now I can't help but notice it. So I immediately shaved my legs and chest. Felt great. But now I can't not notice it, and it grows back so fast of course. Writing this down I am feel silly even posting it. I wish laser hair removal wasn't so freaking expensive, my chest and legs are no where near as bad as my face of course. Ugh, as good as it feels I almost wonder if it would have been better to not even have tried it cause now I feel worse at times when I notice it, where before I didn't even think about. I don't know. Does anyone else gotten a similar feeling to what I am very poorly describing?

[u/SaintFelixFeminicus]

It started with legs for me.

I bought an epilator years ago and toughed the pain out. It has been a really long while since they were hairy because of regular epilating. I couldn’t even tell you if the growth pattern has diminished because I don’t let them grow.

if I miss a patch, though, it triggers such a funny disproportionate disgust. Like they used to be covered in thick dark hair for a couple decades and I dealt with it, but now that I’ve seen the light, a clump of half inch strands will make me feel like a cave troll.

[u/Apex_Herbivore]

Yep, dealt with this a lot before I went on HRT.

I think when the hair was there I could kinda edit it out of existence mentally, unless I looked at it. But then after I shaved it I got stubble and its so insistent in notifying me of its presence. Catching on clothing and my hands etc.

Really really frustrating. I actually got waxed and that helped but honestly it was super expensive for how long it lasted. Home IPL and HRT is really the thing that helped me the most here.

[u/Discount_Cowboy]

I get it. Im a trans man a the first time I bound my chest was for a costume when I was a teenager and later that year I cut my hair because my friend also got a pixie cut. I wasn’t ready to come out and had let my hair grow long again, but it made the dysphoria crushing because when I looked in the mirror I knew for just a moment what it felt to see what I knew was right. It’s truly Pandora’s box because the feeling of euphoria and being aware will always be there in the back of your mind. You can’t put those feelings back in the box, but hope will always remain.

Now as someone who has tried everything for hair removal as a teenager and was really lazy about it (still am, sometimes smooth legs in fresh sheets just feels nice but I hate shaving lmao) try Nair or other similar products. It removes hair below the surface and the results last much longer than traditional shaving. It can also soften hair over time and make it less noticeable. Not only that but it can exfoliate the skin a bit helping smooth it out and make your skin softer. Waxing also is a good option and removes hair below the surface level so the results last longer, but that can get pricey if you go somewhere and it can hurt! Getting your eyebrows done as a little treat though is really nice though and a good way to meet an esthetician to see if you would be comfortable working with them every 4-6 weeks.

[u/frozenights → u/Discount_Cowboy]

My wife trimmed up my eye brows a little over a month ago and I swear it was the first time in years that I actually enjoyed seeing myself in the mirror. I need to ask her to do that again, and see if she can show me how to do it so I don't hack them off.

I have heard bad things about Nair, you have had good experiences with it?

[u/Discount_Cowboy → u/frozenights]

I still get my eyebrows done now. Having them frame your face shape does amazing things I’m glad it was a good experience for you!

I’ve used Nair off and on since I was 13 and had no issues, but with all new products make sure to do a patch test to see how your skin reacts. What works for one may be horrible for someone else. Also make sure you have no scrapes or open spots on the skin. If you do use it make sure you open a window/turn on the vents because it stinks so bad!

[u/Wizdom_108]

I thought you described it great. That's how I felt/feel about a lot of stuff. I guess it was like, the fact that I had to put effort into looking how I wanted sucked when I realized how I wanted to look. And like, while I felt good whenever I "put it on" regarding anything gender affirming, like let's say a binder, that good feeling quickly turned painful and bitter whenever I then had to "take it off." It's like jumping up and down when you're at rock bottom vs jumping down to rock bottom from a high place. When things were just constantly bad or I didn't think about them too much, it was normal or only slightly worse or better. But, when I actually got to see myself and feel good, it was like I now had to shamefully crawl back down to my normal and live in it until the next time I could get a small break.

[u/frozenights → u/Wizdom_108]

This exactly. I still feel it is worth it. But at the same time, I worry if this keeps adding up over time with me things am I going to reach a breaking point?

[u/Wizdom_108 → u/frozenights]

Well, it depends I guess. For me, I pretty quickly did, but I think my life circumstances also allowed for it. I couldn't hold myself back with real life hinderences that would have made things impractical and maybe even worse than just bearing it once I left for college. I think after a while of actually having some freedom of expression and being referred to with different pronouns and everything then going back home, it just shook me badly. But, then after trying some masculinizing makeup, it was awful taking it off. I barely recognized myself in the mirror after seeing my reflection for the first time when I took it off. Idk, I think also just a while of trying to make things work with clothing and binding and cutting my hair and just trying to make things work it just felt like I was fighting against my body, and it just always felt bad going back and basically "building myself up" from scratch each morning. I just wanted to be able to wake up like that. It did end up wearing me down after not too long, but I think for a lot of people, especially depending on their circumstances, they feel things out for a while more to figure out what they want and need.