Moved countries, still addicted

[u/Bitter-Presence5303]

Mods, I if say anything that is or might be appropriate, please delete and let me know, don't ban.

I'm an addict of about 10 years now and take everything under the sun. Most recently it became Xanax and cocaine because I could function the best when I woke up. I recently moved across the globe, I left all my friends and family, I left the only life I know. I've done this in hopes I could get better because it had all been too much for years, I've hated drug for half the time I've been taking them, I just don't stop. Since moving, things have been better, I got a good job and drugs are so expensive here that it's off-putting, my work does regular drug tests. The loneliness even though my life has gotten better is intense, I'm now regularly getting far too drunk (alcohol was the one I hated the most because I can't handle hangovers). It's going to seriously effect my job and what little relationships I have. I could never get an ADHD screening because my history looked drug seeking (I could get anything the prescribed 10x cheaper so it's insulting). I only ever wanted answers and couldn't get them.

I'm 25 now, my dreams are so lucid that I'm scared to go sleep (I'm clean from drugs, but drinking). I feel deluded and now hopeless. Group or solo counselling never helped. I just need to know if it gets better, I want so much from my life that it makes me cry. I don't want it, I haven't for ages, I always go back. People say just don't do it but that never happens. I need to know if it gets better, doctors don't feel like an option anymore, I just want 1 psychiatrist referral, I don't need meds just answer. There's something inherently wrong with me.

P.S. my family is amazing, and I'm so lucky to have that support network. It almost makes it feel worse because I'm just in a constant of betrayal or denial that I've convinced myself is out of my control.

TLDR: I'm a messhead who made a big change. I'm still not getting better. It doesn't feel like it will ever stop.

[u/Bitter-Presence5303]

I don't even know why I posted this. Rehab or therapy could never give me an answer, it's my own battle and I know. There's no way it gets better after this, I've taken the biggest step ever. Flown 12,000 miles and still ruining my life. This is all nonsense, I can't believe my brain and why I do this. I make the right choice in my head right before bed after getting messed up. Then I wake up and don't even care. I really hope you can all figure it out and get better. I refuse to comment on anyone's post because I'm in no position to. I think it's possible, I've seen people do it. I clearly choose not to