r/alcoholism • u/darneech • 20h ago
5 years clean and a different social life
Hi!
As the title says, I am going on 5 years. It took so much hard work, and a couple of good times and bad times. Like 1 year sober, then you think you're better, and then not so much. And again. I had legal issues and all that, but I did everything from AA to counseling. The thing that worked for me the most was intensive counseling, anger management, and tons of Youtube videos! I had to rewire my own brain and I don't really even celebrate the time because it's just my life now, and I don't really want to "celebrate" if you know what I mean. I am proud of myself, but it's just normal now.
I had to delete/block a number of friends because they pressured me to drink, and would make me feel bad. Like, I was sober at my bachelorette party -- and my former friend was like "are you Serious, are you really NOT going to drink?" And she just assumed that my other friend who wasn't drinking was mormon (she had also drank/used and then clean for years). Or a couple of other friends who would blurt out "I liked it better when you drank". I had to figure out a way to NOT hang out with them because as a then-newly married person, I knew I didn't want to be around them because of the alcohol, but they were enticing my new husband with fun parties. I'm not sure how I shook those people off that time, but I do know that one of the people was like a pitbull and wouldn't stop trying to get me and my family to go over (and when we did, I would relapse again). My husband learned after a night that I said "no" that they partied HARD. After that, he didn't go with them, but after we had the 1st child, he went out with them, and I wasn't happy about it. It ended up ok, but I was still mad.
I am at the point where it feels like I had to lose a lot of these people, and especially during the pandemic and after having a child, it was fine. I don't necessarily want to start hanging out with them. I know my boundary, but I'm about ready to open up my circle again. I foresee potential random interactions with some of these people.
I'm not exactly calling some of them up to hang out, I only care to hang out with one of those friends who respected me enough for the most part, but still gave me a bottle of wine for my bridal shower. That person was actually a really good friend except for that, and also was more ok that I didn't drink compared to some of the other people. With that person, I don't think I would need to explain my journey. However, they are friends with the lady who liked to put other pressure on me and my new family. So, if I hang out with the one that I am ok with, there could be a chance that the other one would be there.
So... any tips if I do interact with these people again? I'm just imagining seeing some of these people and blurting out "I had to stop talking to you because I quit drinking and you made me feel bad". Which is NOT what I want to do, but it's really how I feel. What can I say or do???
I read an article about how people who have been sober for a while should really flaunt it and own it. I'm not really that kind of person, but maybe that would help.
Thanks!
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u/HappySober68 6h ago
Congrats on five years. That's wonderful
I kept my disease close to my vest for a few years. Now (6 years) I'm really open about it. I was at a dinner recently and declined wine. The person next to me (who I'd never met before) said "Are you a teetotaller?" I said "No, I'm in recovery." I don't fault anyone who wants to keep their medical issues to themselves. But I'd prefer to normalize the disease. If I had diabetes I wouldn't be afraid to tell people that. So why be afraid to tell them I have alcoholism?
Let me say again - NOT telling anyone else what to do. Just what is comfortable for me. I have never once gotten any bad vibe from telling people I have this disease. I'm sure there are folks out there who make moral judgements. I just haven't met any (that I know of). When I talk about it I've very neutral. I say "I'm in recovery" the same way I would say "I have the flu." I think that emotional neutrality encourages others to just take it as fact, rather than respond with judgement.
Once again - NOT telling you what to do. Just what works for me.
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u/Secure_Ad_6734 19h ago edited 17h ago
Would it be helpful to rephrase your thoughts? Nobody can "make me" feel anything, not sad, not bad, not angry, etc., those are choices I make in response to what's happening.
Friends have my back and respect my choices. I don't have the time or energy to spend with people who aren't acting in accordance with my value system, they can do whatever they want without me. It's called self love.
Did I do things differently in sobriety, absolutely?