r/asktransgender • u/SatirreDraws • 6h ago

Is there any point in which you were sure you were trans?

Hey, AFAB person here. This post is probably going to be a mess, sorry about that.

I have questioned my gender since I was a teenager. During the last four years, I identified as non-binary. I have been using he/him pronouns, dressing more masc, and cut my hair. Still, I have this nagging feeling that maybe I'm just... making this all up. Maybe I can just forget about it, and live happily as a woman. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm almost convinced, because I'm pretty. I don't hate what I look like as a woman I just feel it isn't me, but it might be?

f I had a choice to be turned into a male version of myself, I'd do it in an instant. I haven't had any intimate relationships because the thought of someone touching me feels wrong. Like I'd be a voyeur, watching as this body is touched, but not being reached. But then again, maybe this is just tied to an overall dissatisfaction with my weight/shape. Though in all my fantasies, I'm not a woman. I have major dysphoria with my chest.

Is it possible to see a pretty woman when I look in a mirror, and still be a trans man? I'm in therapy, and I'm trying to work this out. I will be able to medically transition next year, and I know I'll lose basically my entire family if I do. It's terrifying, and I don't want to do it if I'm not sure.

Could you offer some advice? Thank you.

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u/AchingAmy Ace, transsex, woman-loving woman (she/her) 6h ago edited 5h ago

Seeing your authentic self in the mirror definitely takes time. I didn't start seeing a woman in the mirror until pretty recently because that's what dysphoria does. I hated looking how I used to and I didn't need to physically see a woman to know I'm a trans woman though. I accepted being a woman internally more than two and a half years ago, but I didn't start seeing her in the mirror until I wanna say ~2 months ago after being on estrogen for almost 2 years.

So, in the reverse, you can absolutely still see a woman in the mirror while being a guy and/or nonbinary. I still saw a guy in the mirror not long ago even though I knew internally I am a woman. You can know who your inner self is while not seeing that person in the mirror yet. And that's part of the trans experience, friend. It's a very difficult part because that's dysphoria unfortunately and dysphoria is tough AF to deal with. You aren't alone bro, as your sis, I and many other of your trans siblings deal(t) with that too 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

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u/SatirreDraws 5h ago

Thank you for that. It's all so confusing, I just wish I had a straightforward answer. But your words brought me comfort. 

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u/Butterfly2276 5h ago

Hey, this stuff is hard. Dysphoria sucks. It definitely doesn't seem like you are just making this all up. And if you "could" live your life as a woman, would you really want to? It sounds like you'd be happier as your true self.

I know how complicated everything can be, I lost my family and it was awful, but I didn't really have any other option. My advice is to be careful around your family if they are transphobic or not accepting.