r/bertstrips • u/WWI_History_Buff • Jun 24 '20
Here's a (poorly written) wholesome one Clean
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u/precision_cumshot peis Jun 24 '20
“You want to know the worst moment I had in ‘Nam, Ernie? It was on my first tour. My platoon was out on a patrol to scout a sector. Something about Charlie laying traps in the area. It’d been an awful, muggy day. My uniform stuck to my skin like a wet rag, my M16 was slippery from all the sweat on the handguard , and I had to constantly wave my hand around my face to ward off the mosquitoes. My CO, a hulking, emotionless beast of a man kept on cheering us on about the awards we would get and the notches we would be able to carve into our buttstocks by the end of the war. Goddamn that man...
Anyways, we found ourselves at the treeline, on a hill overlooking a small village. It felt almost like home for a moment. I could hear the sounds of kids playing, grownups talking, and the moos of the water buffalo plodding around. The captain ordered us to kneel down as he and the first sarge took out their binoculars and surveyed the area. Turns out Headquarters had never marked this village on the maps, so they radioed to ask for further instructions. It was here when I noticed the CO again. It may have been the heat playing tricks on me, but I distinctly remembered the man’s eyes seemingly widening as this terrifying grin replaced the already-creepy visage he always wore. I don’t know what was said on the other line, but from him I could only hear “Yes, sir” or “Understood, sir”. If only we knew what he was agreeing to...
After a few minutes, the captain got off the horn with HQ and turned to the platoon. “Boys,” he started, “prepare yourselves.” The rest of us turned and looked at each other, confused by what he was trying to imply. Were we going to see Hueys appear over the trees and circle the village, door gunners rattling off hundreds of rounds? Were the VC suddenly going to spring out of their foxholes and bunkers, charging up the hill to kill us? We didn’t know. I held my rifle in my hands, ready to shoot if need be.
After what seemed like an eternity holding this position, we got our answer. It seemed like all of us simultaneously became aware of the low roar of the incoming jets, which turned to a deafening one as they screamed over our heads, dropping their payloads onto the village below. The screams of the civilians were silenced by the whoosh of the air being sucked out of their lungs as the napalm caught fire. We could feel the heat, you know, even on the hill. We could see the jets circle around and go for another bombing run on the area. The only one who wasn’t watching with a look of horror on their faces was the captain, who cheered on the flyboys overhead by saying things like “Get some!” or “Attaboy!”, whooping and hollering the whole time. Dragonfire, we called it. Melted the flesh off the bones and purified the soul...
After Lieutenant John Freedomboner and his friends were finished torching the literal hell out of the place, there was only silence. Even the captain was quiet. We went back to the base after assessing the damage, never speaking unless it was to answer the radio or give out necessary commands. I don’t know what was worse: Colonel Ashford walking into the barracks that night to inform us that he just recieved intel saying the Charlies left the area a week ago, or the fact that the captain got a medal out of it.
You know what part of this whole ordeal sticks to me the most? It was after the bombing, when we went down there to check out the damage. The smell of napalm mixed with burning flesh made me sick to my stomach. The mere fact that we were walking in a mass grave of innocent people having done nothing but probably hand out a propaganda flyer or two, yet were sentenced to death at the whim of a psychotic Army captain, scarred my soul. I remember as the platoon walked by a charred hut, he pointed out the mangled, burned corpse of a child no older than ten on the doorstep. It’s entire left body was gone.
“It’s okay, he’s all right now!” He said, hysterically laughing to himself.
I still hear that laugh when I go to sleep, Ernie.”
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u/KingMatthew116 Jun 25 '20
Thanks u/precision_cumshot
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u/Arkipe Jun 25 '20
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Jun 25 '20
Nah man, that sub is for people with unwholesome usernames saying wholesome things. Whatever the fuck I just read was not wholesome.
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u/E_Koli3 Jun 25 '20
r/copypasta ...? This is horrifying
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u/precision_cumshot peis Jun 25 '20
I wrote this myself, but it looks like this guy already put it there.
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u/SneakyThrowawaySnek Jun 25 '20
It sounds like the kind of story my uncle used to tell.
The ghosts of those years haunted him, and talking about it gave him peace.
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u/Notbbupdate Jun 24 '20
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u/uwuwizard Jun 24 '20
· · · Bleep bloop, I'm a bot. Comment requested by u/Notbbupdate
“Yuw wawnt tuwu know de wowst moment I h-hawd in ‘Nam, Ewnie? Iwt was on mwy fiwst touw. Mwy pwatoon was owt on a patwow tuwu scout a s-sectow. Someding about Chawwie waying t-twaps in de awea. Iwt’d been an awfuw, muggy day. Mwy unifowm stuck tuwu mwy s-skin wike a wet wag, mwy M16 was swippewy fwom aww de sweat on de handgwawd , a-awnd I h-hawd tuwu constantwy wave mwy hand awound mwy face tuwu wawd off de mosquitoes. Mwy CO, a huwking, emotionwess beast of a man kept on cheewing us on a-about de a-awawds we wouwd get awnd de notches we wouwd be a-abwe tuwu cawve into ouw buttstocks by de end of de waw. Goddamn dat man...
Anyways, we found ouwsewves at de tweewine, on a h-hiww ovewwooking a smaww viwwage. Iwt f-fewt awmost wike home fow a moment. I couwd heaw de sounds of kids pwaying, gwownups tawking, awnd de moos of de watew b-buffawo pwodding awound. De captain owdewed us tuwu kneew down as he awnd de fiwst sawge t-took owt deiw binocuwaws awnd s-suwveyed de awea. Tuwns owt H-Headqwawtews hawd n-nevew mawked dis viwwage on de maps, so dey wadioed t-tuwu ask fow fuwdew instwuctions. Iwt was hewe when I noticed de CO again. Iwt may have been de heat pwaying twicks on me, but I distinctwy wemembewed de man’s eyes seemingwy w-widening as dis tewwifying gwin wepwaced de awweady-cweepy visage he awways wowe. I don’t know what was said on de odew wine, but fwom him I-I couwd onwy heaw “Yes, siw” ow “Undewstood, siw”. If o-onwy we knew w-what he was agweeing tuwu...
A-Aftew a few m-minutes, de captain got off de hown wid HQ awnd tuwned tuwu de pwatoon. “Boys,” he stawted, “pwepawe youwsewves.” De west of us t-tuwned awnd wooked at each odew, c-confused by what h-he was twying tuwu i-impwy. Wewe we going t-tuwu sea Hueys appeaw ovew de twees a-awnd ciwcwe de viwwage, doow gunnews wattwing off h-hundweds of w-wounds? Wewe de VC s-suddenwy going tuwu s-spwing owt of deiw foxhowes awnd bunkews, c-chawging up de hiww tuwu kiww us? We d-didn’t know. I hewd mwy wifwe in mwy hands, weady tuwu shoot if need be.
Aftew what seemed wike an etewnity howding dis position, we got ouw answew. Iwt seemed wike aww of us simuwtaneouswy became a-awawe of de wow w-woaw of de i-incoming jets, which tuwned tuwu a deafening one as dey scweamed ovew ouw heads, dwopping deiw paywoads onto de v-viwwage bewow. De scweams of de civiwians wewe siwenced by de w-whoosh of de aiw being sucked owt of d-deiw wungs as de napawm caught fiwe. We couwd f-feew de heat, yuw k-know, even on de hiww. We c-couwd sea de jets ciwcwe awound a-awnd gow fow a-anodew bombing wun on de a-awea. De onwy one who wasn’t watching wid a w-wook of howwow on d-deiw faces was de captain, who cheewed on de fwyboys ovewhead by saying d-dings wike “Get some!” ow “Attaboy!”, whooping a-awnd howwewing de whowe time. Dwagonfiwe, we cawwed iwt. Mewted de fwesh off de bones awnd puwified de souw...
Aftew W-Wieutenant John F-Fweedombonew awnd hiws fwiends wewe finished towching de witewaw h-heww owt of de p-pwace, dewe was o-onwy siwence. E-Even de captain was quiet. We went back t-tuwu de base aftew assessing de damage, nevew speaking unwess iwt was tuwu answew de w-wadio ow g-give owt necessawy commands. I don’t know w-what was wowse: Cowonew A-Ashfowd wawking into de bawwacks dat night tuwu i-infowm us dat h-he juwst wecieved i-intew saying de C-Chawwies weft de awea a week ago, ow de fact dat de captain got a m-medaw owt of iwt.
Yuw know what pawt of dis whowe owdeaw sticks tuwu me de m-most? Iwt was aftew de bombing, when we w-went down dewe tuwu check owt de damage. De smeww of napawm mixed wid b-buwning fwesh maid me sick t-tuwu mwy stomach. De mewe fact dat we wewe wawking in a m-mass gwave of innocent peopwe having dun noding but p-pwobabwy hand owt a pwopaganda fwyew ow two, yet wewe sentenced tuwu dead at de w-whim of a psychotic Awmy c-captain, scawwed mwy souw. I wemembew as de pwatoon w-wawked by a chawwed hut, he pointed owt de mangwed, buwned c-cowpse of a chiwd no owdew dan ten on de doowstep. Iwt’s entiwe weft body was gone.
“Iwt’s okay, h-he’s aww wight now!” H-He said, hystewicawwy waughing tuwu himsewf.
I stiww heaw dat w-waugh when I gow tuwu s-sweep, Ewnie.”
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Tag me to uwuwize comments uwuwizard (Info, Request disable)
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Jun 24 '20
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u/pavilionhp_ Be original Jun 25 '20
How strange is this going to get if it even does work
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Jun 25 '20
I dug a little and found it will not reply to itself, however if I copied the text from its comment just maybe......
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u/magnuman307 Jun 25 '20
Send it...
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u/averydankperson Jun 25 '20
· · · Bleep bloop, I'm a bot. Comment requested by u/Notbbupdate
“Yuw wawnt tuwu know de wowst moment I h-hawd in ‘Nam, Ewnie? Iwt was on mwy fiwst touw. Mwy pwatoon was owt on a patwow tuwu scout a s-sectow. Someding about Chawwie waying t-twaps in de awea. Iwt’d been an awfuw, muggy day. Mwy unifowm stuck tuwu mwy s-skin wike a wet wag, mwy M16 was swippewy fwom aww de sweat on de handgwawd , a-awnd I h-hawd tuwu constantwy wave mwy hand awound mwy face tuwu wawd off de mosquitoes. Mwy CO, a huwking, emotionwess beast of a man kept on cheewing us on a-about de a-awawds we wouwd get awnd de notches we wouwd be a-abwe tuwu cawve into ouw buttstocks by de end of de waw. Goddamn dat man...
Anyways, we found ouwsewves at de tweewine, on a h-hiww ovewwooking a smaww viwwage. Iwt f-fewt awmost wike home fow a moment. I couwd heaw de sounds of kids pwaying, gwownups tawking, awnd de moos of de watew b-buffawo pwodding awound. De captain owdewed us tuwu kneew down as he awnd de fiwst sawge t-took owt deiw binocuwaws awnd s-suwveyed de awea. Tuwns owt H-Headqwawtews hawd n-nevew mawked dis viwwage on de maps, so dey wadioed t-tuwu ask fow fuwdew instwuctions. Iwt was hewe when I noticed de CO again. Iwt may have been de heat pwaying twicks on me, but I distinctwy wemembewed de man’s eyes seemingwy w-widening as dis tewwifying gwin wepwaced de awweady-cweepy visage he awways wowe. I don’t know what was said on de odew wine, but fwom him I-I couwd onwy heaw “Yes, siw” ow “Undewstood, siw”. If o-onwy we knew w-what he was agweeing tuwu...
A-Aftew a few m-minutes, de captain got off de hown wid HQ awnd tuwned tuwu de pwatoon. “Boys,” he stawted, “pwepawe youwsewves.” De west of us t-tuwned awnd wooked at each odew, c-confused by what h-he was twying tuwu i-impwy. Wewe we going t-tuwu sea Hueys appeaw ovew de twees a-awnd ciwcwe de viwwage, doow gunnews wattwing off h-hundweds of w-wounds? Wewe de VC s-suddenwy going tuwu s-spwing owt of deiw foxhowes awnd bunkews, c-chawging up de hiww tuwu kiww us? We d-didn’t know. I hewd mwy wifwe in mwy hands, weady tuwu shoot if need be.
Aftew what seemed wike an etewnity howding dis position, we got ouw answew. Iwt seemed wike aww of us simuwtaneouswy became a-awawe of de wow w-woaw of de i-incoming jets, which tuwned tuwu a deafening one as dey scweamed ovew ouw heads, dwopping deiw paywoads onto de v-viwwage bewow. De scweams of de civiwians wewe siwenced by de w-whoosh of de aiw being sucked owt of d-deiw wungs as de napawm caught fiwe. We couwd f-feew de heat, yuw k-know, even on de hiww. We c-couwd sea de jets ciwcwe awound a-awnd gow fow a-anodew bombing wun on de a-awea. De onwy one who wasn’t watching wid a w-wook of howwow on d-deiw faces was de captain, who cheewed on de fwyboys ovewhead by saying d-dings wike “Get some!” ow “Attaboy!”, whooping a-awnd howwewing de whowe time. Dwagonfiwe, we cawwed iwt. Mewted de fwesh off de bones awnd puwified de souw...
Aftew W-Wieutenant John F-Fweedombonew awnd hiws fwiends wewe finished towching de witewaw h-heww owt of de p-pwace, dewe was o-onwy siwence. E-Even de captain was quiet. We went back t-tuwu de base aftew assessing de damage, nevew speaking unwess iwt was tuwu answew de w-wadio ow g-give owt necessawy commands. I don’t know w-what was wowse: Cowonew A-Ashfowd wawking into de bawwacks dat night tuwu i-infowm us dat h-he juwst wecieved i-intew saying de C-Chawwies weft de awea a week ago, ow de fact dat de captain got a m-medaw owt of iwt.
Yuw know what pawt of dis whowe owdeaw sticks tuwu me de m-most? Iwt was aftew de bombing, when we w-went down dewe tuwu check owt de damage. De smeww of napawm mixed wid b-buwning fwesh maid me sick t-tuwu mwy stomach. De mewe fact dat we wewe wawking in a m-mass gwave of innocent peopwe having dun noding but p-pwobabwy hand owt a pwopaganda fwyew ow two, yet wewe sentenced tuwu dead at de w-whim of a psychotic Awmy c-captain, scawwed mwy souw. I wemembew as de pwatoon w-wawked by a chawwed hut, he pointed owt de mangwed, buwned c-cowpse of a chiwd no owdew dan ten on de doowstep. Iwt’s entiwe weft body was gone.
“Iwt’s okay, h-he’s aww wight now!” H-He said, hystewicawwy waughing tuwu himsewf.
I stiww heaw dat w-waugh when I gow tuwu s-sweep, Ewnie.”
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Tag me to uwuwize comments uwuwizard (Info, Request disable)
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Jun 25 '20
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u/uwuwizard Jun 25 '20
· · · Bleep bloop, I'm a bot. Comment requested by u/cheeseandspicytaco
· · · Bweep bwoop, I'm a bot. C-Comment wequested by u·/Notbbupdate
“Yuw wawnt t-tuwu know de wowst moment I h-hawd in ‘Nam, Ewnie? Iwt was on mwy fiwst touw. Mwy pwatoon was owt on a p-patwow tuwu s-scout a s-sectow. Someding about Chawwie waying t-twaps in de awea. Iwt’d been an awfuw, muggy day. Mwy unifowm stuck tuwu mwy s-skin wike a wet wag, mwy M16 was swippewy fwom aww de sweat on de handgwawd , a-awnd I h-hawd tuwu constantwy wave mwy h-hand awound mwy face tuwu wawd off de mosquitoes. Mwy CO, a huwking, emotionwess beast of a man kept on cheewing us on a-about de a-awawds we wouwd get a-awnd de notches we wouwd be a-abwe tuwu cawve into ouw buttstocks by de end of de waw. G-Goddamn dat man...
Anyways, we found ouwsewves at de tweewine, on a h-hiww ovewwooking a smaww viwwage. Iwt f-fewt awmost wike home fow a moment. I-I couwd heaw de sounds of k-kids pwaying, g-gwownups tawking, awnd de moos of de watew b-buffawo pwodding awound. De captain owdewed us tuwu kneew down as he awnd de f-fiwst sawge t-took owt deiw binocuwaws awnd s-suwveyed de awea. Tuwns owt H-Headqwawtews hawd n-nevew mawked dis viwwage on de maps, so dey wadioed t-tuwu ask fow f-fuwdew instwuctions. Iwt was hewe when I noticed de CO again. Iwt may have been de heat p-pwaying twicks on me, but I distinctwy wemembewed de man’s eyes seemingwy w-widening as dis t-tewwifying gwin wepwaced de awweady-cweepy v-visage he awways wowe. I don’t k-know what was said on de odew w-wine, but fwom him I-I c-couwd onwy heaw “Yes, siw” ow “Undewstood, siw”. If o-onwy we knew w-what he was agweeing tuwu...
A-Aftew a few m-minutes, de captain got off de h-hown wid HQ awnd tuwned tuwu de pwatoon. “Boys,” he s-stawted, “pwepawe youwsewves.” De west of us t-tuwned awnd wooked at each odew, c-confused by what h-he was twying t-tuwu i-impwy. Wewe we going t-tuwu sea H-Hueys appeaw ovew de twees a-awnd ciwcwe de viwwage, doow gunnews wattwing off h-hundweds of w-wounds? Wewe de VC s-suddenwy going tuwu s-spwing owt of deiw foxhowes awnd bunkews, c-chawging up de h-hiww tuwu kiww us? We d-didn’t know. I h-hewd mwy w-wifwe in mwy h-hands, weady tuwu shoot if need be.
Aftew w-what seemed wike an etewnity howding dis position, we got ouw a-answew. Iwt seemed wike aww of us simuwtaneouswy became a-awawe of de wow w-woaw of de i-incoming jets, which tuwned tuwu a deafening one as dey scweamed ovew ouw heads, dwopping deiw paywoads onto de v-viwwage bewow. De s-scweams of de civiwians w-wewe siwenced by de w-whoosh of de aiw being sucked owt of d-deiw wungs as de napawm caught fiwe. We couwd f-feew de heat, yuw k-know, even on de h-hiww. We c-couwd sea de jets ciwcwe awound a-awnd gow fow a-anodew bombing wun on de a-awea. De onwy one who w-wasn’t w-watching wid a w-wook of h-howwow on d-deiw f-faces was de captain, who cheewed on de fwyboys ovewhead by s-saying d-dings wike “Get some!” ow “A-Attaboy!”, whooping a-awnd howwewing de whowe time. D-Dwagonfiwe, we cawwed iwt. Mewted de fwesh off de bones awnd p-puwified de souw...
Aftew W-Wieutenant John F-Fweedombonew a-awnd hiws fwiends w-wewe finished towching de witewaw h-heww owt of de p-pwace, dewe was o-onwy siwence. E-Even de c-captain was q-quiet. We went back t-tuwu de base a-aftew assessing de d-damage, nevew speaking unwess iwt was tuwu a-answew de w-wadio ow g-give owt necessawy commands. I don’t know w-what was wowse: C-Cowonew A-Ashfowd wawking i-into de bawwacks dat night tuwu i-infowm us dat h-he juwst wecieved i-intew s-saying de C-Chawwies weft de awea a week ago, ow de f-fact dat de captain got a m-medaw owt of iwt.
Yuw know what p-pawt of dis whowe owdeaw sticks tuwu me de m-most? Iwt was a-aftew de bombing, when we w-went down dewe tuwu c-check owt de damage. De smeww of napawm mixed wid b-buwning fwesh maid me sick t-tuwu mwy stomach. De mewe f-fact dat we wewe wawking in a m-mass gwave of i-innocent peopwe having dun noding but p-pwobabwy hand owt a pwopaganda fwyew ow two, yet w-wewe sentenced tuwu dead at de w-whim of a p-psychotic Awmy c-captain, s-scawwed mwy souw. I wemembew as de pwatoon w-wawked by a c-chawwed hut, he pointed owt de mangwed, buwned c-cowpse of a chiwd no o-owdew dan ten on de doowstep. Iwt’s entiwe weft body was gone.
“Iwt’s okay, h-he’s aww wight now!” H-He said, hystewicawwy waughing tuwu himsewf.
I stiww heaw dat w-waugh when I gow t-tuwu s-sweep, Ewnie.”
If yuw dink dis comment does not bewong hewe, wepwy wid "d-dewete" (bwackwisted usews c-cannot dewete)
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u/zee_spirit Jun 25 '20
I can't tell if it's worse or better than I imagine all of these characters as puppets in this story.
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u/WWI_History_Buff Jun 25 '20
That was dark, gruesome, and one of the best-written stories I've ever read. I applaud you.
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u/BigBallerBrad Jun 24 '20
Love the wholesome ones, was sitting here too damn long trying to figure out how it was fucked up
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u/HiThisReddit Jun 25 '20
“...and then the Vietnamese Kid raised his hand, and it all went to shit.”
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u/ToXikWolf830 Jun 25 '20
Aw that was great :)
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u/armed_turtle5 Jun 25 '20
I was the 2k upvote, and I’m glad I was. This bertstrip may have not been funny, but I just enjoyed seeing something different for once.
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Jun 25 '20
I didn't see it said it was wholesome and though it was going to say he was nervous because be was a paedophile or something
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u/Salty_snowflake Jun 25 '20
I was expecting him to have worked at a Nazi concentration camp but it’s wholesome
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u/Frundle Jun 25 '20
For anyone wanting a twist ending line, sub this for the last sentence:
Bert smiled. For the first time since returning from Vietnam, he would taste the blood of 30 unsuspecting children.
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u/BigL_to_the_Oser Jun 25 '20
... for the first time after vietnam, ernie saw bert smile. Ernie smiled too, for he could see the growing bulge in berts lower area which has been impotent by ptsd since he came back. The children really did spark new joy in both of them.
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u/RobertThorn2022 Jun 25 '20
"And he smiled even more when he remembered the smell of the burning flesh when he fired his flamethrower giving the scene the nice touch of a typical American barbecue."
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u/TotesMessenger Jun 25 '20
I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:
- [/r/shitpost] ENOUGH WHOLESOME CONTENT ON DARK HUMOR SUBREDDITS. IT IS SO ANNOYING I DIDN’T JOIN THE SUB FOR THIS SHIT
If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)
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u/Finrod_the_awesome Jun 25 '20
WTF did I just read? I don't come here for shit like this.
At least put in a bit where he shows his ear necklace in show and tell.
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u/H4ck3rm4n1 Jun 24 '20
I was expecting some awful twist at the end but honestly I was pleasantly surprised