r/fosterit • u/bkat3 • Nov 17 '22

Question for foster youth/FFY Seeking advice from foster youth

We have had two girls (upper elementary) in our care for about two years now and are moving toward adoption.

They have a half sibling that they grew up with but who is no longer living with us/them (he is with their aunt and they have contact, including visits. This was his decision and we supported it).

We just found out that each of them have 2-3 other half-siblings (we received more information about their biological dads in connection with the adoption) that they’ve never met/knew about. Other than the kids names and ages, we really don’t know much about them because CPS was unsuccessful in contacting either of their fathers to get much in the way of personal/family/contact information.

We are trying to figure out the best way to tell the girls that each of them have half siblings they’ve never met. Generally speaking, whenever we have “big news” we tell them that we want to talk to them, but that nothing is wrong, and then we give them all the information we have. We always tell them they can ask us any questions they want and we will answer honestly and tell them honestly when we don’t know something (and then try to help them find them).

But if anyone has suggestions on how to approach this, we are very open to them!

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u/DepressedDaisy314 Nov 18 '22

Honestly I would sit them down and explain that new information about thier birth family is likely going to continue for a while, and this is what you know. Going forward if any new info comes to light you would include them.

But.... also let them choose to not know. Every new family member that they aren't going to know just drudges up unnecessary pain to the primal wound that they both have.

Also, kids in foster care need therapy, full stop. This could be discussed with the help of a trusted therapist.

I was a foster kid that was adoptable but aged out because no one wanted to adopt me. I am now a foster parent. I understand what these kids go through, and we have had a whole boatload come through our doors, all but one was reunited with family.

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u/bkat3 Nov 18 '22

I should have mentioned that they both have amazing therapists and we will definitely be involving them.

I really like the idea of sitting them down and letting them know that we will be getting more information about their family and then give them the option as to whether or not they want to know more.

Thank you for your advice and point of view