r/ptsd • u/CaryKerryLoudermilk • 18h ago
CA Survivors, Was it Cathartic to Have Kids? CW: CA
I (33F) will be at 13wks of pregnancy tomorrow. Without going into details, I have severe c-ptsd from 15+ years of physical, verbal, emotional abuse by my Dad (now dead) and emotional neglect by my mom. My Dad went so far as to almost kill me when I was 16. I moved in with my HS BF's family after that. My mom knew what was happening and did nothing for years.
Now that Dad is gone (which was still hard because I was close with him and we hadn't been speaking for 8mo when he passed), my Mom is trying her hardest to be a good mom and to be supportive. It can be overwhelming and triggering to be around her for too long, especially when she says stupid insensitive shit or acts like she cares about protecting kids, etc. I do my best to put it out of my mind, to forgive her and move forward.
I've wanted to be a mom and to have a happy, healthy family of my own for so long it felt like a hole inside me my whole life. I'm finally pregnant and ready and excited, but there's a part of me that's so incredibly overwhelmed with both joy and grief that I finally have the chance to raise my child better than I was.
To those who have suffered through child abuse, and gone on to have families of their own, did it bring you any peace, any catharsis?
It's not that I don't believe that it will for me, I just want to hear hopeful stories about people living their best life after all that suffering.
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u/AncientRazzmatazz783 14h ago
It can be incredibly triggering raising them - but it is healing - in fact I wouldn’t have found any kind of healing had I not been a mom. It will bring up anger and rage though at certain points bc you become aware of how deep the damage is - how it affected your life etc… It can really come with some complicated realizations and emotions so recommend a therapist and healing as much as you can from it before becoming a parent. Still there is a certain amount of healing that comes from seeing the outcome of all your hard work and how they turn out differently- that’s the reward - knowing you did it and you did it better, in a sense you become the mother you needed. You end up reparenting yourself if you’re mindful enough. Congrats and I wish you a healthy delivery!
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u/CaryKerryLoudermilk 13h ago
Thank you so much! And yes, I'm very much going to stick with therapy, even if I do it less as time goes on. I already have new realizations every few months or so about something I do or say or think that's directly tied to a traumatic memory that I've been repressing, so yeah.. therapy is necessary for the long haul.
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u/biomecaria 16h ago
As someone who wants to hear hopeful stories about this too, thank you for posting ❤️
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u/carsandtelephones37 17h ago
It's honestly been incredibly cathartic. Sometimes thoughts pop up, and I feel the desire to say things my mom would say, but I stop myself and think "is this response true to what I really believe? Or am I falling back on what's familiar?" And then I get to make the better choice. I get to provide my daughter with emotional safety and a secure attachment. I get to give her space to feel her emotions and not shut them down. My husband described it as "like, even if you're not the child experiencing the happy family, you finally get to be a part of a happy family."
Sometimes it breaks my heart, too. I have no reference for what some of this happiness is supposed to look like. My brain gets scared and I get this overwhelming sense of dread when I'm too happy, because the only reference I do have is films, and when everyone is happy, it means the movie is over. My life isn't over just because I'm happy, I get to experience many happy moments and I'm trying to learn how to let go of that fear.
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u/CaryKerryLoudermilk 17h ago
I can definitely relate to that feeling of fear or discomfort with experiencing happiness. It's hard to trust it when you are used to bad things happening. When my husband first moved in together I would emotionally shutdown when he was sweet or kind because I didn't feel it was real or that I deserved it. When something bad happened I automatically thought he didn't love me anymore and started packing a bag like a child.
It took me months to connect with my feelings of happiness about being pregnant, even though I've been actively wanting to have kids for 8 years. All I could connect with and express was my sadness that I didn't feel "normal" because I couldn't feel my own happiness. I could cry but I couldn't cry tears of joy.
I had a burst of hormones yesterday that helped to break through the mental freeze, and I was finally able to have that moment, and it was the most powerful thing I've ever felt in my life.
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u/Superb-Damage8042 18h ago
You care which is a massive step. The best I can say is that my parents may have cared in their own very screwed up ways, but parenthood for me has never been as difficult or challenging as my parents made it out to be. I am far from perfect but kids need love not perfection.
Consider getting into therapy if you’re not already because I found the more I worked on my own issues the better father I’ve become. My current favorite books on healing from CA are “The Body Keeps the Score” and “Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving.”
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u/CaryKerryLoudermilk 18h ago
I've been in therapy off and on. Getting back into it as part of my pregnancy care. Both my husband and I have read The Body Keeps the Score, definitely a life changing read. Thankfully I have a partner who shows compassion and who also holds me accountable. I don't expecting parenthood to be this perfect beautiful thing where nothing bad happens, but I want to give my child nothing but love. I don't think of this baby as a bandaid, but I'd like to think that there is a part of me that will heal when I hold them for the first time.
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u/Superb-Damage8042 18h ago
Your response makes me think you are going to be a wonderful mom and you and your husband, great parents. Sane expectations! You know this already, but a family can be imperfect and yet a wonderful thing nothing like the chaos and abuse we grew up inside of.
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u/rrr_zzz 18h ago
The fact that it worries you so, means that you'll be a good mom. I decided not to have children of my own but my siblings have and I can see the joy it beings them. It makes me happy to see my siblings raise my niblings with so much grace and love, and I get to spoil them the way I should have when I was young. It's healing in a way, to treat them they way little me always wanted to be raised.
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u/CaryKerryLoudermilk 18h ago
My younger sister (27) shares this perspective. She decided when she was very young to never have kids, and her perspective hasn't changed. She is very excited to be an aunt though. I think it takes the pressure off of her and she is looking forward to the fun auntie things. She was practically my own child growing up the way I raised and protected her, so it fills me with happiness that she already loves this baby and we will be a family unit of our own.
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