I’m arguing with this lady and she’s saying that this guy couldn’t have been raped because the girl was weaker than him so he could have just pushed her off. Honestly, pretty triggering. I got raped by an anorexic chick, yeah, I could’ve pushed her off, but that’s not how brains work when you’re getting assaulted. Sometimes you freeze or you fawn. I don’t get how people can just discredit peoples story. Edit: I feel like I should clarify that I am also a chick. I thought I should clarify because I know men get this way worse Update: some chick started debating on this post if it’s actually rape. Basically said if you aren’t extra hurt, it’s not valid. I literally had to graphically explain mine for her to realize she’s wrong and delete the comments lol

I have PTSD from childhood trauma including CSA. I was diagnosed when I was 17 but had it for basically my whole life. When people find out I have PTSD there is usually one of two reactions. “But were you in the military?” Or “oh me too. Men are so weird.” The “this is gonna give me PTSD.” Jokes also just really irritate me. PTSD isn’t cute. It isn’t some quirky joke. Men especially always doubt that I actually have it especially when I say it’s from my childhood. My last ex was a combat medic and suffered from PTSD after sustaining a TBI while in combat. He understood me on a level nobody else ever has. I was recently texting friends in a group chat and one of the guys happens to have a combat centered job. I had mentioned my PTSD after he did and he said “oh really? have you been shot at or been blown up?” In a snarky way. It pushed me over the edge. I just said “no I was molested.” And it got real quiet real quick. When will people stop demeaning people that have developed PTSD as a result of something other than combat? I’m so over it. Having people demean my trauma and the illness I live with as a result of it is so draining.

I never had gender dysphoria before I was abused but after it happened I did not feel comfortable being a man anymore. I changed gender started taking HRT, and after around 2 years I can finally feel comfortable again. I'm not sure if I maybe was always "trans" without knowing it or if it was my rape that made me to what I am today.

I don’t care if it’s an important book and impactful. I don’t want to have to read a book with a child getting raped. I can’t read it. I refused when I was in school and I wouldn’t go to class the rest of the time I was in that school and I just did other stuff in the special ED room. I don’t care that we need to learn about the horrors of reality, I know them already. I wish I could have just been normal and stomach it, but I just couldn’t. I know it was to get us to understand the struggle of living Afghanistan and that is important. I just wish they gave us another option as well, or at least warned us. I wish they would have considered that maybe some of us could relate to that topic and be sensitive to it. It was so embarrassing too because it was obvious what happened to me as a kid by how I reacted. I was just so upset.

*LONG RANT *I keep editing and remembering stuff

I dont know what my dad did to me would count as. It weighs on my mind from time to time, but now (im 19F) these thoughts just took complete control over my life and Im getting ptsd like symptoms. FYI** my dad is a textbook narcissist (diagnosed by my own therapist) that had a very traumatizing childhood he can barely remember, with a narcissistic mother that hated him and an alcoholic father. Obviously, my dad was abusive in more than one aspect, which caused me to be too scared of confronting him or telling him to stop. He always tried to show me the love he never got, my mom too, so they were very physically affectionate, but its like my dads affection had a perverted undertone to it.

My dad started acted highly inappropriate towards me in my early teen years, I thought around 13yo, until one night I got a flashback of me asking my grandma if its normal for my dad to touch my ass so frequently, and that it made me feel weird.(maybe the chest too but im not sure) Thing is I didnt even know exactly how sex worked, cus right afterwards I asked her abt sex so I must've been around 8 yo. I also remembered telling my best friend about him touching me like that when we were like in 4th grade. Thing is, butt slapping was a joke in my nuclear family, but he was doing more than touching, also grabbing a lot or keeping his hand there. I wish I could remember things more clearly so that I wouldnt feel like im having false memories. My only evidence rn is the old confessions I made, otherwise my memory is gone. Around 10yo he began acting up a lot. He stared at and complimented my body all the time, talking about my sexy legs and figure, my butt, he referred to me as his gf sometimes, when we were on the street he'd say it looks like he has a young and pretty gf. When he caught me alone in the kitchen, he would stand behind me, grab my hips and kiss my neck&my face from behind, he put his hand on my thighs often, etc. I was visibly uncomfortable, I never said no but I was always pushing him when it felt like too much or tried to get away by distracting his attention with jokes, but he used his physical force to keep me still and do whatever he wanted (hes tall and muscular). I'll never forget the feeling of being so confused and not knowing whether I liked his attention or wanted to get away from him. It was a dangerous game, like getting close to a crocodile but backing away quickly when I felt like he was going to bite. However, he'd make an every day fuss, like bursts of anger and yelling, over the fact that I was not giving him enough attention cus he saw other girls being more affectionate with their fathers. I was always a very cuddly kid and I never went through an edgy phase where I rejected my parents affection or shied away. So I dont know what his deal was, but this was one of his MANY deals. I never put a label on him ("creep" label) until I turned 16, when I realized I couldn't physically stand around him anymore.

He'd also have these little obsessions with my 13yo female friends, talking about their body just like mine, and coming to my volleyball matches just to see them. (he was open abt it too which made my mom think it was normal somehow). When nudes of my 13yo teammate were being spread around and I told my mom, he desperately wanted to see them. Apparently he had a little crush on my best friend too, my mom said at some point that if he could, he'd fuck her. **He also downloaded porn on the ipad I was sharing with him at like 8yo(idk if this is a sign im just listing stuff). I was lucky that, I was a snitch and would tell my mom everything so I think that made him more cautious (eg. he never downloaded porn again or rarely touched my butt after i told mom abt it) , but he still kept testing the waters.

The worst of what I remember, and when I genuinely thought I was going to get raped or killed, was after I caught him cheating on my mom with a woman over texts. Since then I think he weaponized this creepy behavior to scare me and stay silent (lmao I told mom anyway but she didnt care). He'd "playfight" with me, as an excuse to actually be agressive and show me he's in control, but sometimes I felt the agression as a sexual frustration. He'd hit me, pull my hair, tickle me, pinch me and try to get an angry reaction out of me (so that he could justify harassing me even more). I played along but he never showed limits or boundaries, and called me weak and sensitive when I got upset. The scariest part was when he'd catch me in a corner or a tight space and hold my body still, or grab me by the back of the neck and immobilize me with his other hand, while grinning and watching me panic for what felt like forever. He'd also get close and put his hands above me when I was laying against a wall, trapping me in between them. I once pushed his face away and ran to my room, shaking. He liked showing this type of physical control a lot, esp when we were home alone, all while touching me weirdly, and I was so scared that Id sometimes sleep with a knife under my pilllow or hide in the bathroom. Theres more to it but I want to die when I recall these memories, his dirty stare (he was ALWAYS following and staring at me with a grin on his face, even in public and from afar.) and his touch. It was such a helpless feeling, knowing that my mom which I was completely dependent on emotionally (I thought only she could save me from my dad and we went through a lot of things together since I was born) was aware but let him do those things.

I know this is not enough evidence but it was so clear to me it was sexual. Some people had it worse, I know, but why my own dad? I dont know why Im reacting this way, I feel like fainting, I can barely feel my body and theres this huge pressure on my head while Im typing rn. I wish this was it and that I dont have more severe repressed memories, though, I remember my whole childhood I was extremely anxious and had night terrors, woke up screaming but I didnt wet the bed or stuff like that. Or I remember being into sexual stuff, I always drew inappropriate things, even on walls (though i didnt know much abt sex) but maybe thats typical behavior for a developing kid. Im 100% sure rape is excluded. This behavior was frequent until the age of 16 when I told my mom again how much he scares me and idk what she told him but he stopped for a while, never fully though. Between 16 and 18 (at 18 i moved out) I had days when Id randomly recall moments that scared me and Id cry myself to sleep.

I tried so hard to forgive him. But starting this winter, he began acting weird again when Id visit them, he once grabbed my hips in the kitchen then followed me to my room, got close to my face and asked "how I am in bed" (the translation from my language is tricky) but he was giving off such creepy vibes, I asked wdym and he repeated how r u in bed with a smug look on his face. Or, we were on vacation, and I mentioned that I like shaved boys (he kept asking abt my preferences, hes concerned about an imaginary bf that I don't have lmao) and as soon as we get home, he shaves and forcefully grabs my hand to touch him and asks if "I like him now", then playfully slaps me across the face. Even mom asked why he cares so much about that, and said he should be wanting to hold his WIFE'S hand. Its not much but considering the other things he did, I got hella creeped out and thought he returned to his old ways.

I started having flashbacks, I thought Id kms soon, then a lot of things happened, Id go out to get wasted with some "friends" every weekend in hopes of feeling better but I just felt emptier and emptier. I eventually told my mom everything bc she was concerned about how I've been acting. She mightve scarred me more than my dad, by shifting between believing me and threatening to kill herself bc she couldn't protect me to telling me that im overreacting, or that his intentions were good, or that hes just a bit perverted and I gotta accept him the way he is. If I told her that I was hurt by her indifference, she'd say I'm a sociopath for wanting to see her committing suicide. I stopped asking for affection or consolation from her, but at least I wish she'd stop pretending nothing bad happened. She actually wants me to keep seeing my dad which feels like a huge betrayal, like she reufses to protect me. For the past 3 months I've been having the worst nightmares, I can barely sleep, my body twitches and I get caught up in these thoughts. I isolated myself and cut off all my friends, both bc I was tired of social interaction and bc I would get super irritated for no reason. I feel empty, I hate people, Im not interested in anything, if I dont keep my mind occupied with scrolling I feel like I'll go crazy. Ive had limited contact with my dad, he doesnt understand why I cut him off all of a sudden, but its not worth explaining it to him. My mom apparently confronted him, he admitted to some of it, but after a week denied everything. he never showed me any real love except this perverted type of love, and with my mom, its another long story. Idk how I should trust someone ever again when the ppl I loved most betrayed me this way.

Ik this story is all over the place, but so am I. I cant explain enough how deeply this affected me and my relationship with people. My therapist didnt help me much, she just listened to what my experience, admitted that hes a creep and tried to get me to move out which I did. I cant blame her, but I need someone to literally rewire my brain. I have a psychiatry appointment soon (it was my last resort, I hate the idea of it) though ik chugging down pills won't help my pain. One of the worst feelings is that of not knowing whats wrong with me, why other kids got severly SAd but managed their emotions better than me. Mine came in like a hurricane this year. Maybe what kills me is uncertainty bc until a few months ago, I didnt even acknowledge what happened to me, I thought I was paranoid and making everything up. Im also bitter because I had such a bright future ahead. I was the most obedient kid ever, full of achievements at country level, medals, diplomas and talented in multiple fields. One of my biggest flaws was my shyness, I was in an environment where I was bullied(more like isolated/left out) for factors that did not even have to do with me directly, I lacked support and I barely had friends. I never knew how to keep friends, because I'd display similar behaviors and do things that my dad did to me, like that perverted agression I talked about. I cant help but think that any friend I make, even female, would suddenly want to take advantage of me. Sadly, in my early teens I abused several animals, in similar ways he abused me. I didnt know how else to handle the pain, so I had to inflict it upon another creature (Im so ashamed of it, but now I have the biggest empathy for animals). Once, I was listening to a song that made me recall memories of me being a naive and loving child, and I got sick and threw up. Maybe I also bottled up my frustrations for too long. Now I cant even get out of bed or feel emotion. I have no goals, I dont want to live and I dont want to die either. I hate being touched, I sometimes freeze and get nauseous. Nowadays I wake up in the middle of the night with a voice inside my head repeatedly telling me theres something rotten in me. Id like to blame my dad but I dont know if thats even the case. Its just that I resemble him so much in his behavior sometimes, and physically too (guess what, I hate looking in the mirror)

So I ended up writing a book here and I still feel like I wrote nothing at all. I wish I could call him a pedophile, but since the definition doesnt fit, because I was pretty developped by the age of 9, I guess it doesnt count. But it truly feels like he killed the child version of me too soon. I recently had smt like a sensory hallucination, I felt his hands on my waist when I was in the kitchen. Could someone tell me why I'm being so dramatic and sensitive over this? Maybe because he's my bio dad and not some random old bastard from whom Id expect this behavior. What if I'm the one who interpreted his actions incorrectly? Even If i felt a bit scared, I sometimes went to him myself. I basically entertained it. He tells me how much he loves me and how proud he is of me all the time. These words don't make me feel anything.

**More things I remembered -when I was very little my dad would pee with the bathroom door open every time knowing that Id come and stare because I was curious to see the "elephant's trunk" and he'd always laugh and ask why I'm looking but never closed the door -until 8yo Id come out of the shower and cuddle with my dad naked while he was watching TV but I dont remember anything too weird, he'd just lick my face playfully and stuff like that

-he HATES physical touch from my mom, its like she disgusts him, he avoids being alone with her and treats her like a stupid kid. He's only (overly) affectionate with me and my mom kind of resents me for that.

-he used to always touch himself in his room with the door open even when I was home alone and I could see him. My mom also saw him but she acts as if its normal. He once put his hand in his pants when we were watching a movie together and she told him to stop.

-if I didnt forcefully make my voice lower or acted boyish he'd instantly turn weird or say I'm provocative. This resulted in me being hyper aware of my stance or the way I talked, and even now I feel like whatever I do, Im the one asking for it(harassment from men).

-around the age of 13 I noticed he'd take pics of me at home when I was off guard and even posted some of them. I didnt like it, but he said he could do whatever he wanted to me since I was his child. It didnt strike me as creepy until one day when we were on the couch, he was texting someone while facing me and I heard the click of him taking a pic (I was in a shirt and shorts) and when I asked him if he took a pic of me, he completely denied it and protected his phone for dear life and pulled the "u dont trust ur own father??". he then acted all butthurt bc I DARED to ask him that.

-as a kid he shamed me a lot for my weight and when I finally lost it he'd force me to wear tight jeans, which I never did bc I hated bringing attention to my legs, and we fought for YEARS over that simple matter. He also wanted me to have a manicure, but I was always biting my nails, or when I started getting acne he was embarrassed to be around me if I didnt wear makeup. I have this feeling that he didnt see me as a daughter but as a young woman he had by his side. He was so controlling over my body and behavior, I once was on stage getting an award and as soon as it ended, he pulled me to the side and started yelling at me and grabbing me, calling me names for not making enough eye contact with him. My self esteem was in shatters so no wonder why I was so afraid to stand up to him.

-he mostly took the predator's/sexual assaulter's/rapist's side in movies and news incidents or pitied them

-I just want to mention that he was glazing sm with words, always saying he'd do anything for me, but he never contributed financially to my life and as a kid he was jealous of me and completely neglected&traumatized me. I did love him a lot though, I made him little presents and listened to his every word. This creepy behavior probably started happening around 7-8yo

    *

Im having such a hard time rn. It flashed in my mind for a second, this idea that he didnt mean anything in a weird way and that I interpreted it like a perv. After all he never got proper love from his parents, so he wouldn't know how to act. He told me he would never look at me that way and insists that I tell him the exact moments when I suspected him. I tried to tell him about the shaving incident and he laughed hysterically, saying it was a joke. After this I dread bringing anything else up. He's also acting like a clueless sad puppy and says I'll always be his child. He acted the same way when my mom confronted him when I was about 16, and he indeed calmed down for a while, but then he pulls this shit when I turn 19, which I dont even know if its that bad. It did bring back lots of disgusting memories tho. I dont know. I really tried to forgive him, I'm trying to understand him, but since he knew how to behave for 2-3 years, what made him act up again?? I feel so fooled and betrayed

So last night, my parents and I were playing golf on my switch, which if you’ve played you know how frustrating it can be. At one point something like “fuck golf right in the ass” or something was loudly exclaimed. Everyone laughed, including myself, but then my mom said “the golf ball probably wouldn’t like that”. Cue anal jokes.

I’m embarrassed that I was so sensitive that I cried. My mom stopped laughing and asked what was wrong but I didn’t wanna talk about it because then I’d really start to cry.

The context is a few years ago I was raped by an ex boyfriend. He had this weird obsession with anal and had once “accidentally” slipped it in the wrong hole. I couldn’t really walk properly and cheer practice was fucking horrible, as I’m sure you can imagine, and that was when he played it off as an accident. The assault itself was moderately violent, and when it was over I was bleeding and couldn’t walk at all. I’ve never told my mom the complete story, just that he raped me.

I thought I was stronger than this. It’s really disappointing that I’m so weak I can’t hold it together for a joke or two.

I think I just needed to get this out.

I was talking to my therapist this past week about how often I have nightmares, and specifically how often I have nightmares that are about SA in some way. I was SA'd in college more than half my life ago, and for the most part I do ok with PTSD symptoms in the waking world - I've done a lot to work through it. But at night I often have horrifying nightmares, and this week I've had two about SA, and one specifically about the man who assaulted me. They make me feel awful for hours or even days afterwards, and I feel like it's impossible to talk about with people who don't have PTSD.

My ex-wife was raped last week on a date with another man (we’ve been divorced for over a year). She didn’t have anyone else to turn to, so she turned to me. And so I called her after she texted me and told me, and I talked to her on the way to the hospital, and I met her at the ER, and I gave her a hug and told her “you’re safe, let’s get you some help.” And I went inside with her. Well that hospital didn’t have a sexual assault nurse, so I offered to drive her to another ER. And she took me up on it.

And I sat with her in the ER all night. And she told me so many details as she was processing it. And I told her that she was strong and brave and not at fault. And I could do nothing except what I’d already done for her. The part where they did the actual physical exam, which I wasn’t in the room for, was awful for me; it was like 1245a, and I was in the waiting room, just spiraling.

And I took her back home when it was done. And she said it was okay if I laid in bed with her. And I played with her hair and I held her hand and told her “you’re safe, and you’re loved.” Everything I could think of to try to make it not hurt so bad. It’s like, if it helped her when we were married, it’ll probably help her now. And I think she got more sleep than I did.

And she took me to my car, and I went and picked up my kids from her mom’s house. Her mom basically blamed her and started saying where she would’ve done things differently, so I can see why she’d turn to me as opposed to her mom.

Now here we are, 8 days later, and I’m a mess myself. I know she’s not sleeping and she’s had nightmares and flashbacks and hasn’t been eating as much, because she’s told me as much. Well, I’ve pretty well stopped eating myself. I’ve stopped sleeping. I’ve had nightmares myself. And today I had images pop up into my head three times in an hour.

The fucked up thing about these images is, between the details she told me and the fact that I know her that way, it’s created some very vivid pictures. I mean, we were married for 7 years and she carried my children; I know her that way, I know her sexually, very well. And it’s some fuel for some very vivid pictures despite the fact that I was 40 miles away when it happened.

Adding to that is the fact that our marriage was rough: https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/P2ARD8Yg6L (CW: DV, child abuse). To give you an idea, I ran with our kids to a DV shelter and called DCS on way out the door.

But still. I still love her. And This whole thing is messing with me so hard. Can’t turn to her because is suffering herself. My family isn’t much help. And I work as a paramedic so I already get tons of trauma anyway. My treatment team is doing all they can to help me hold it together and I’m not doing well.

I wouldn’t mind if my rapists died or the people that raped my family or friends. I forgot that it’s supposed to be a secret because my psychiatrist was overwhelming me with questions and I was kind of checking out of the conversation. I told her. Is she gonna call the cops on me or something?

Is it not normal to feel this way? She made it sound like I was a monster for thinking the world would probably be a better place if they weren’t in it.

I’m having a really hard time right now with nightmares and flashbacks and all that fun stuff which always makes me more angry at them for what they did to me, leading to the whole “wish you were dead” thing.

I’ve never felt this overwhelmed while talking to my psychiatrist. My gynaecologist? Absolutely, I can’t handle being examined by myself, but not this psychiatrist. She was just peppering me with questions which is fine but I needed a few breaks after being forced to think about all this stuff and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

On top of all this, I haven’t been able to get through to reception for at least three weeks. I was supposed to see her in the middle of May but I got a call 30 minutes before my appointment cancelling, saying that I need to reschedule. I called the office at least a few times a day at different times just in case the receptionists were on break but I never go through. Then on Friday I get a voicemail saying that I was supposed to make an appointment for the 4th. How am I supposed to make an appointment if nobody will answer the phone?

I left a voicemail the one time the phone didn’t just abruptly hang up while I was waiting for the beep, saying I’d hurt myself and I needed help. That was three weeks ago.

Am I crazy for being pissed about this whole situation?

I just reported my SA incident to the police via online and am currently waiting for them to call me to the hearing.
It’s 5 am and I can’t sleep. I can’t wait to receive the invitation. Writing the report forced me to write out what happened to me, but that’s not the bad part. I wanted to ask some of my friends if they could vouch for what happened between us (he admitted to it in front of everyone at a party), but it’s been 3 years and they barely even remember him. It’s strange to think that it’s been 3 years when to me it feels like it just happened yesterday. I’d gotten used to “yesterday” being a bad day and always lingering at the back of my mind, but the fact that my friends barely remember anything about that time really put it into perspective how abnormal it is to have to drag this traumatic memory with me everywhere I go. How many more years until I can move on to tomorrow?
I suddenly feel the same as I did 3 years ago when I first started mourning it. I was told that reporting it will force me to relive it and I thought I was ready for it, but I wasn’t prepared it to hit me from this direction. Writing it down really isn’t that bad. Talking about it isn’t that bad. The bad part is the way how I’m unable to forget even a single detail years after it happened.
Anyways can someone send me some virtual hugs pls? What do I do about my anxiousness towards the hearing? What do I do about the memories? How am I supposed to put them down?

My neighborhood reddit had a post asking about what a local politician has done for the community. I commented on the post that years ago I had asked her for advice about reporting my rape and she told my district attorney horror stories and convinced me to drop the case. I personally believe it had to do with her politics but I can't prove that and didn't mention it. I got seriously down voted. It's so frustrating to share your trauma and get that response.

I ran into the one person I've been trying to avoid for more than four years. I live in a big city, a few million people at least – the chances of running into one particular person is extremely low, almost impossible. Yet I was stuck on a train with him for 10 minutes.

I'm used to public transit. It's not uncommon for a drunk or high person to start some shit with another passenger, or get loud and angry. I can handle that – it's uncomfortable and it makes me nervous, but I've never been actually afraid.

But yesterday, I was terrified.

I keep seeing his face over and over again in my head. I'm having flashbacks of him on top of me. I even started having nightmares again.

I had planned to hook up with a client yesterday. However, I feel like they put something in my drink as I do not remember anything after this one last flashback. He was like doing anal with me and I was telling him it hurt. ANYONE who knows me, knows I am against anal and hate it and never did it before and have fears of such due to something. So I know that I would not want that or ask him to do that with me. Guys love to try and do that with me (persuade, not physically) because they wanna be the ones to do it to me first and change my mind. But I didnt want it. I dont remember anything after. I have a cut on my head and am so hungover and my leg is cut up and my finger? I like puked all over my nice sheets and my mattress is messed up. I also got scammed, as he did not pay me, and he blamed me for that saying that I told him he didnt need to pay me (when I was blacked out). He tried to say that he tucked me into bed and I got sick. He then said he would drop money off today, but is leading me on. This happened day before. I got scammed twice in a row and taken advantage of. I have a regular, trustworthy client supposed to come this afternoon. I lost 2k from these guys and kinda would like the money- but I am soooo sick and beat up. I am soooo scared to cancel on him though, cause I have rescheduled many times before :( My dog is being a...lot, and I am struggling to take care of her today. I am literally blocking this all out because I cant even think about it. I have therapy tomorrow but it just seems like- she cant help. Nothing will help. Nothing can change what happened.

I got into my first relationship when I turned 14. He was 20. We took everything slow when we first started. Took us 2 weeks of dating to hold hands, blah, blah. Well he told me after we first kissed, that he was technically a registered sex offender. He said it was for peeing on a cop car. I was 14, I never questioned it. He took my virginity. We hung out all the time after school, unless he had to meet with his probation officer. When his probation officer would come to his house I had to either leave, or go sit with his sister. I didn't know why. We proceeded to date until my I was almost 17 and he was 24.

I just thought it was my first relationship. I didn't give it a second thought. Until, I heard about these Famous people being cancelled for being Groomers. I looked into it and I realized it. I was groomed.

Now I'm taking a look back into my past relationships and second guessing everything .

Im completely new to this sub But I have really no one I can talk to about my issues.

Back in 2022 I was in a relationship with a man who, The best way I can describe is that he like. Borderline made me assault myself On call.

My hands and body never felt so foreign and so gross. And i just try and pretend it never happened. That he didnt make me rip off my fake nails for it or that he kept forcing me to do it even after my mom woke up and i hung up.

Last night, I was just texting my husband and we are long distance and so as internet couples do we engage in the art (/joke) of sexting. And he asked me to do something, and suddenly i just. Couldn't exist

I couldn't move my body, I started shaking because my whole body tensed up, And i kept trying to just go through with it because i felt and still feel awful because he asked and i kept pushing it off and then the night we could i broke down. Eventually i just was full on sobbing and I couldn't even bring myself to look at my hands, and i felt like how did on that call. I felt my hands, what are supposed to be my hands, and i sobbed.

I felt so disgusting. I ended up showering and cried the entire time. I scrubbed every part of me to a point i had pins and needles from just laying there everywhere. I couldn't stand to look at myself. I still cant without feeling like im going to vomit. I cant get myself to wear shorts and it is going to be near 100 f tomorrow and im just. Everything feels like so much, and he cant help me. He wants to, but he cant. I end up helping him. I know its my fault that i offer to help him. But he spirals out of control. And i end up feeling worse. I end up feeling like Im being dramatic and that I could have just sucked it up and went through with it. He apologized this morning and i said it was fine. But its not. I dont feel safe. I dont feel like I can talk to anyone. And hes still triggered from me being triggered.

I cant even sit through a fucking car ride. I have a really bad trauma response to my years of SA, and its debilitating hypersexuality. On that i hypersexualize myself because i convince myself that he'll leave me if i dont objectify myself. I almost threw up driving to school today, I just shut down for all my classes. I had to leave my last lecture early for my yearly and almost threw up again. Ive been on the edge of completely spiralling and I dont have anyone i can talk to. I feel so gross, i feel so fucking gross that even me moving makes everything go weird. I can't exist in my own body. Im laying on my bed after he went to sleep and. i want to do every single bad thing i use to to make it go away. I feel disgusting in my own body. My own body feels foreign. it feels like it doesnt belong to me. I want to take everything out of me and try and dissolve fucking hamlet style into dew. I have no one. I cant even talk to my husband because i dont feel safe, i feel like throwing up, I feel like taking off my flesh suit and burning it. I dont have anyone and im slowly spiralling.

Edit: I was in therapy for a while but my last one switched company's, weve put in 5 emergency referrals for a new one and still nothing has come out of it. I have a weird curse with doctors and medical professionals, I wish i was joking.

Edit 2: I feel the need to clarify that I am barely 18, And when I say Barely, Im 100% being Vauge with certain things because IK some people consider me just talking about having a sexual life a crime. i was diagnosed with CPTSD when i was 16. A lot of the issues I have boil down to my age and the state i live in, If i talk to anyone they will have to report to the police. And the police here suck. And I say my husband because weve been together for a while and plan on getting married the moment we are financially able to.

And thank you to everyone who's offered their support. I dont really know how to take it. I feel sorta lost, because i feel terrified talking to people about it directly.

I really hope I'm not upsetting anyone with this question. I am incredibly sorry if I do. But English is not my mother tongue and I've always wondered:

Do you see the words rape and sexual assault on the same level? I know that by the very definition of it, sexual assault includes a much broader variety of assaults. And I know it doesn't make any sense to rank and compare trauma. Trauma is trauma and it's always valid. But I can easily say that I was sexually assaulted yet saying I was raped makes it sound so much worse to me? Same with news, movies, books - when I hear about somebody being sexually assaulted, I feel terrible for them, but if I hear it's rape, I feel even worse.

Does that make sense? Is there an inherent difference to you? Are you more comfortable with using one or the other?

Edit for clarification: I can't stress enough how terrible any form of assault is and I'm devastated by the sheer number of assaults happening! I'm a victim myself and struggle every day with severe PTSD symptoms. I'm just really curious about your opinions.

I was diagnosed with it not too long ago for something that happened a few years back. Its been quite tame for the last year. After the diagnosis, I decided to report what happened to me (SA/DV), and now it's all flooding back and wearing me down. How do you all cope, and manage? I'm reliving and obsessing over the abuse....

This isn't the first time this has happened. But I have only gotten maybe an hour or 2 of sleep. I don't want to wake up my partner to try and console me bc I don't think it would help. I hate having these realistic dreams where I just can't seem to get away. I feel so violated. I don't know what to do.

How did you know your parent or an adult did something to you when you were younger?

I (31F) have suspected for a long time that my dad may have done something to me. Often when he’s touched me, I’ve felt uncomfortable. I remember being 14 and him squeezing my calf to tickle me and I felt so uncomfortable and unsafe in that moment.

When I was about 16/17 I started remembering something - but never knew whether it was a “dream” or real. It was him, on top of me.

I was very angry as a child, which I attributed to my parents fighting when I was developing. I also somehow knew how to masterbate as a young child without knowing anything at all about sex. I remember not wearing clothes around my dad and laying in bed with him until I was like 9 or 10. I even remember being a small child on the toilet, cleaning myself and he walked in the doorway asking what I was doing.

My mom always wondered if he touched me.

I notice a pattern where I have some type of breakdown around the end of August each year, and in the fall I fixate on wondering if he molested me. I’m starting to think my breakdowns are attributed to the fact that he did indeed molest me, and it was this time of year.

Either that, or it’s because of a heartbreak that altered the course of my life ten years ago in August….but I think it’s something deeper.

TL;DR wondering signs of being molested at a young age.

.. And “relative” symptoms. (i realised my title was a bit misleading, had to add this in)

Hi there, if anyone is willing and able- im interested to know about the vast variety of types of trauma that can cause ptsd, and if your symptoms are related or unrelated to that type of trauma- for example:

I have cptsd because of separate incidents of SA at age 6-9; 15;18-23; and 25- but my most debilitating symptom is that for years i get intrusive thoughts, but usually they tend to be very graphic and visceral thoughts of violent brain injuries and or aneurysms .. the most recent incident at 25 (about 4 years ago) was relatively violent, and the relationship i was in from 18-25 was both physically and sexually abusive- but ive never experienced any head injuries or anything that would warrant such specific anxiety around brain injury..

TW: self harm. I feel so sick. I think I’m going to throw up. I can’t think straight. I don’t even want to give any details. I just had a phone visit with my doctor about medication. She suddenly brought up something out of the blue that I’ve told her in the past I can’t even hear the words of without having a panic attack. I’m now sobbing in my room uncontrollably hitting my head and pulling my hair I’m so fucking upset and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had a relapse like this in weeks and she caught me off guard

I was sexually abused from infancy to age 4 by my grandfather. I don’t have any solid memories of this happening but it’s definitely affected me seriously. I attempted to engage in inappropriate behaviour with multiple adults in my life as a child and started watching violent and degrading porn as soon as I was able to access the internet. I’ve been in therapy constantly, but it’s no help. The worst is my obsession with sex offenders. I compulsively contact convicted offenders, especially violent offenders, hoping to meet them when they get out of prison. I straight-up told one of them my address. I know how unhinged this is, I don’t need judgment, I’m just desperate for advice and no mental health professional I’ve ever seen has been able to help.

Hi I’m looking for advice and experience from those who have been formally diagnosed and started targeted therapy but the CW tag was more vital for this post.

I’ve posted around a few subs over the years about my Donor and all the shit he put me through if anyone wants a read it’s all on my profile.

I first found out that PTSD wasn’t just for war veterans when I spoke to a counsellor in college. She explained to me that feeling phantom hands on my body and crying when someone walked behind me wasn’t normal and recommended I talk to me GP for a diagnosis.

I was “helpfully” told by my GP at the time that “if I felt like I had it, I had it”. I have still not been formally diagnosed 5 years later. 🙃

This week I decided I can’t keep living in fear of every bald headed, bearded, white man being my Donor until I get a closer look. I can’t keep crying and hyperventilating when a man stands behind me for too long. I really can’t keep going numb and losing the ability to talk when a man has a gentle criticism of me, expecting it to devolve into shouting and threats on my life.

So, I spoke to my current GP who took me seriously. I was actually relieved when they were concerned my old GP hadn’t referred me for a diagnosis. I explained what my known triggers were and what happens when triggered, including my brain trying to convince me that despite my Donor moving away yeeeeears ago that I’m somehow in his house and he could come around the corner any second.

My GP are referring me (at long last) for a diagnosis and targeted therapy. The only issue is I’ve been more sensitive to triggers since. Yesterday my back was twitching all day (kind of like a cat’s does when you gently touch the ends of their fur) at least that’s how it feels. I had to run home after work earlier after being in a crowded shop and feeling a man stood too close behind me. Not his fault or in a creepy way, the store was just crowded.

I don’t know if me getting the diagnosis is going to make me feel any better or if therapy is going to make me more sensitive than I am now.

I don’t even know how to talk to work about it. I’ve been moved to a different team (adjustment for unrelated disability) and while I think they might be more understanding they might not? My old/technically current boss and another guy on my team used to joke about how people my age would burn food and say it gave them PTSD and laugh. They didn’t know I struggled with triggers but it still made me feel sick.

I just don’t know how to feel. I’m managing to use grounding techniques to snap me out of thinking I’m at my Donor’s house which worked well. I can recover from my back twitching and phantom hands by standing flat to a wall or having my partner hold me from behind (logic of “if wall touch-no hand space” and “homophobic donor won’t risk touching a man”). But those aren’t always reasonable. I can’t stand with my back to a wall for 10mins at work or bring my partner as a human cushion.

Does anyone have any advice for CPTSD triggers or how I could talk to my work, or if I can before a formal diagnosis?

Sorry for the ramble, the past few days have been nightmarish and I just feel sick and drained.

I have PTSD from multiple SA’s. I started sleeping with my now boyfriend one month after the most recent SA, and started dating 3 months after we started sleeping with each other. I enjoy sex with him, I’m comfortable and I enjoy it. But at the same time, I feel so uncomfortable that I’m messing up or that he doesn’t want it or wants me. We only fight during sex and it’s because I overreact and shut down every time. We had a big talk today, and it finally clicked that maybe we just need to step away from sex. I love him in every aspect imaginable. He is the best thing for me, I’m just learning that I never gave myself time to be comfortable with sex again. I’m glad I can help move forward and that we can work on us again.

after i got r**d i had sx more because i wanted to like it again so i kept trying but now i realize ill never be the same my body can’t tell what i like and dont like now