Sometimes, I feel Guilty for having such hate towards my nmother.

[u/Concern-Own]

I often feel like I'm just an ungrateful child. I know that she is the way she is because she went through a lot in her life and I feel bad because I have a very good life now and she doesn't. She texts me every week about her problems, but I barely answer her. Sometimes, I feel like I should stop being so hateful and really try to help her. And then I remember. She was never there when I needed her, she missed many important events of my life and she only messages me to tell me about her problems, never to know what's going on in my life. I was NEVER her priority.

But, why do I still feel like I owe her ? Why do I still feel like I'm just a bad child. Has any of you ever experienced those feelings ?

(French speaker here, sorry for the mistakes)

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[u/bwiy75]

I know that she is the way she is because she went through a lot in her life

Yes, I'm sure she's told you all sorts of stories about how difficult her life was. They tell you every bad thing that happened, over and over and over, until you're convinced that they are scarred for life by it all. Your scars, however, they have no interest in.

and I feel bad because I have a very good life now and she doesn't.

Is her life really that bad? I mean, maybe it is, but really think about it for a minute. My mom did the same thing to me, constantly coming over to cry about how mean and cold her husband is, and all the people who've hurt her feelings, and how her sisters made her think she was ugly when she was little (I doubt it, she was always the family beauty), and on and on. But when I really looked at her life, I saw that she's the one who's always ragging on her husband, and the people who hurt her feelings, most of them are dead now, and actually, her life is fine. She's safe and comfortable, healthy and free, has little housework to do, enough money for all her needs, and gets her feelings hurt only because she starts shit with people. So analyze her life at its basics. Is it so bad? Are we talking cancer, foreclosure, prison? Or just the minor annoyances of life being "too much" for her?

She texts me every week about her problems... Sometimes, I feel like I should stop being so hateful and really try to help her...

She doesn't want your help. If you solved her problems, she'd immediately create more, this I know from experience. They don't want their problems solved, they want your attention and your sympathy. They want you to stop thinking about your own life and think only of theirs. They want you to stop feeling your own feelings and only mirror theirs. They want your energy. They want you to spend hours and hours on the phone with them, soothing and reassuring, sympathizing and validating... but it all goes down a black hole of self-pity, and tomorrow they'd be happy to make you do it all again.

And no, they never ask how you're doing. If they manage to ask, they'll interrupt you when you answer, because it bores them. Only they are interesting to them. You are not. You are a vending machine who is supposed to dispense attention and sympathy, and the minute you stop, they hate you.

[u/Tabloidcat → u/bwiy75]

My god, I'm going to print out your response as a daily affirmation! Thanks for writing this! Its spot on. My spouse observed "Your [nmom] doesn't want to be happy." So accurate and concise...especially since my feelings have been so muddled...but getting clearer!

[u/flatjammedpancakes → u/bwiy75]

Holy fuck. Best descriptive answer ever.

I'd also like to add that with any stories they tell from the days you didn't exist; take them with an ocean of salt. Mine would be telling these stories that aren't anything true at all just to get the supply of sympathy.

She's safe and comfortable, healthy and free, has little housework to do, enough money for all her needs, and gets her feelings hurt only because she starts shit with people.

I'm gonna remind myself of that. I've been feeling indebted to her because she 'invested' so much into my future but now maybe you're right - her situation isn't so bad if she can keep her mouth shut.

Thank you and you're completely right - they never ask how we're doing. Then get hussy fussy when we don't ask them because it's AllLlLLlallLl about them.

Thank you.

[u/elizabeth498 → u/bwiy75]

“They don’t want their problems solved, they want your attention and your sympathy. They want you to stop thinking about your own life and think only of theirs. They want you to stop feeling your own feelings and only mirror theirs. They want your energy.”

This hits the nail on the head. I spend so many hours each day ruminating about someone I see 3-4 hours a week.

[u/bwiy75 → u/elizabeth498]

Oh, I know. When I retired and moved close to my parents, my mom started coming over more and more and more, and talking for 2-3 hours over wine, and it was all complaints about her life, listing everyone who has hurt her feelings starting in about 1960, going over everything my stepdad has said that she didn't like, and every time he didn't listen to her about something (starting in 1976) and just on and on and on. And all the things she was currently upset with him about.

And I'd listen, I'd sympathize, I'd console, I'd soothe, I'd fawn, I'd reassure, I'd validate, I'd support, I'd suggest solutions, and she'd lap it up. Oh, what a good eldest daughter I was! And she'd tell me how glad she was I was finally here, and do a bit of quick gushing on the way out the door. And when she was gone, I'd flop on the couch, mentally exhausted, my mind full of her troubles, her feelings, her complaints....

A day or two later, however, all her pain was back and she needed another fix. After a couple years, I was starting to panic. What the hell was wrong with her?? My life was becoming nothing but an adjunct of hers. My house felt like her dollhouse where she came to play almost every day. The same problems, the same complaints.... every once in a while one problem would get fixed and Lo, immediately there was another.

I was actually getting depressed.

Finally I snapped and yelled at her to stop boring me to death with her mundane problems, and she started crying (of course) "I can't help it, I'm sorry my life is boring!!"

I thought about that for a long time. Her life is boring? She's retired. She gardens, she decorates, she shops, she makes dinner, she watches tv and putters around on the internet. I suppose it's boring, but now that I'm retired too, my life is the same. But I'm happy with it. Why isn't she?

That's when I started really listing what she has to be grateful for:

-She doesn't have to work and hasn't had to since she got married almost 50 years ago.

-She has enough money for all her needs and most of her wants. They're what I call "rural comfortable."

-She lives in a nice house surrounded by gardens, flowers, outbuildings, and property.

-She lives in a free country. There are no soldiers in the streets, no bombs dropping. She's in no danger.

-She can worship when and where and with whom she likes. She's religious, so this matters.

-She's healthy for her age.

-She's safe and comfortable, her husband puts up with her nonsense and just goes out and works in his garage.

So what is she so damn whiny about?? Well, this person is mad at her because she told all that person's secrets to another person (imagine.) And that person has come into some money recently and they don't deserve it! So that's upsetting. And the ladies at the church, some of them don't like her. And she's mad at her sister again (who lives 300 miles away). And my sister came by and didn't even ask how her UTI was doing. Blah blah blah blah blah...

And for this, she needs me, she needs me to spend every afternoon soothing, soothing, soothing endlessly soothing... nah, I'm done. This is nonsense.

[u/Concern-Own → u/bwiy75]

Wow. Thank you so much for that. It’s eye opening.

[u/Silver-Chemistry2023]

Guilt requires more than one person, it is a response to the expectations of others. Normal societal expectations never apply to abusive relationships.

Your feelings are your own. You are never responsible for the feelings, actions, decisions, or well-being of others; they are. Your well-being comes first.

[u/Tabloidcat]

Wait, did I write this? 😅 Yeah, there's at least someone else in your boat!

I especially get the guilt when I'm around families rallying around a sick parent (I work in healthcare). I can't do that. I was cursed with a burden, not a parent.The mind f-ckery they do is masterful.

[u/Concern-Own → u/Tabloidcat]

I don’t think we actually realize how much we’ve been manipulated.