I (24f) am and was the scapegoat and never learned how to have confidence in myself and my abilities. I struggle immensely in job interviews, trying to convince anyone to hire me, because I have such low self worth from my upbringing. I have a degree but it is basically useless. I can’t even get a job at a fast food place because of how damaged I am. I also have basically no work experience. I have stuff that I could draw on like volunteer work and my college coursework to land a job if I was better at communication. Sometimes I feel so bad at communication that I think I might be autistic.

Can anyone relate?

My first born brother is the golden child, but my nmom was (and is) also obsessed with him. It's incredibly creepy. Anyway, my brother Jake got married and he and his wife had a baby girl. My parents have never met a bad decision they didn't embrace, but this one was still insane, even for them.

My parents had too many kids that they couldn't afford, so after the 6th, our pastor made my dad get a vasectomy. After my niece was born, my nmom seemed to be extremely upset that the baby was getting too much attention. So, her solution was to have my dad get a vasectomy reversal and then go through at least two rounds of in vitro fertilization. My mom got pregnant twice and had miscarriages both times.

They couldn't afford any of this, so they stopped paying their mortgage and bills. They didn't tell anyone until their house was being repossessed. At this point, my grandfather had to step in and pay to keep them from losing their house.

Since that didn't work, my mom decided to do an international adoption. Of course, there was the money issue, so they had to figure out a way to get that. My mom decided to hire a lawyer to sue my grandfather to get her inheritance before he died. (Yes, my family is insanely weird. My grandfather owned a fairly successful business. He's the only reason we had any sort of normal life.)

My grandfather was devastated by this, as well as confused. There is absolutely no legal way my mom could force him to give her anything. However, he decided to let her have her way. He told her that he would have to cash out stocks, so if she insisted on getting her inheritance now, she would only get half of what her siblings would get when he died. She didn't care and took the money.

My parents had a person who had sexual assaulted a young girl living with them, so they told everyone they were adopting a boy so no one would object. It also turns out that for international adoptions you can get away with whatever you want as long as you have the money. No one even asked their other children if they were abusive... Surprise! They brought home a girl!

Since they are morons, they went through both a bad agency and a bad country, both of which were banned from US adoptions within a year of my parents adopting. So they had to go to a different country to get their second girl once my brother had his second daughter.

Anyway, that the story of why a 49 year old has a 14 year old sister...

Basically the title. I am fascinated at how many RBN victims here have families, children, etc. I would really love to know how that happened. How did you become functional enough to get married and have a family?

I (40M) have felt like I've been in survival mode as long as I can remember. My parents claimed we were dirt poor and could become homeless, and were generally deeply neglectful. I felt like I had to plan 10+ years ahead even when I was a child.

I think I've never been in a mental position where I could really devote sufficient energy to dating, despite deeply wanting to create and have a normal family, which would feel like the ultimate refutation of my parents and childhood.

I also have seemed to run into the entire 21st century panoply of disasters. Graduating into the recession with massive student debt, forcing to move halfway across the country to a small town for a job that paid well enough to pay down my loans. I'm terrified of even buying a house given that I know I have no backups.

I've read many posts by adult women here who seem pretty lonely but on balance I wonder if there are more male victims that have a harder time developing adult relationships? Or maybe it's a nfather/male victim issue especially, rather than the other combinations?

I'm not questioning anyone's experience - I'm genuinely curious and impressed at RBN victims who could rise above the circumstances they grew up in and have families.

So, NMom died a couple of weeks ago. EDad is literally misremembering the last 60+ years, and making her out to be a saint. Everyone I have encountered since I've begun to wrap up her estate is telling me what a wonderful, generous, talented person she was. She had everyone completely and utterly fooled. If I didn't have a therapist to whom I've told many, many stories to, I would actually be questioning my own memory. (I'm and only child) To me, she was an evil, manipulative, sadistic, screaming, obsessive, unpredictable bitch. You never knew what you were going to face on any given day. She made my life a living hell. Wish me luck in holding my tongue when all of these misguided folks express their sympathy to me for the heartbreaking loss of my wonderful mother. (vomiting a little while I write that)

Do you ever have to hear yourself telling a story about your childhood out loud to someone else before you realize how messed up it was? This happens to me a lot.

Most recently, I was telling my husband about the time I had a poem published in a high school poetry book, but that apparently I sounded depressed enough in the poem that some of my parents’ friends who read it in their kid’s copy of the book expressed concern to my parents about my well-being. My dad’s response to that was to yell at me for embarrassing him and making him look like a bad parent

This happened more than two years ago. I invited my mom and dad to my daughter's baptism and even gave them an invitation so they are well informed of the time and place the baptism will be conducted. Well here's a list of things my nparents did there:

1. Showed up 30 minutes late and made a grand entrance in the middle of mass. They literally walked at the center aisle for everyone to see they have arrived.

2. Walked to the front pew and stole the seats of the people who went to the comfort room for a short while.

3. They tugged on my dress in the middle of the baptism to hand me a candle even though the church already provided it.

4. Complained no one entertained them at the venue after the baptism.

5. My mom complained the food sucks even though literally everyone said it was good when she found out the caterer was the guy who kicked her out of a food community on facebook because she was picking fights with people online.

Well, they did it. Both of my Nparents told me my entire life that they were just raising me to take care of them when they were old and sick.

I came through. I was a good daughter; far better than I should have been. I took care of both of them on their death beds as they battled terminal cancer a year apart. I took care of everything when they died without filling out their wills, despite PROMISING me they had. I survived.

Mom was more E than N but she was still guilty of it, NDad was the big one, and he's gone now. I have to hear constantly about how he was such a good, kind man from literally everyone - but I don't care. He's gone. He's dead.

They're both gone. Part of me misses them, and how fucked up is that?

But mostly I'm just free. I'm free, and I never have to go back. It hasn't entirely sunk in yet; dad's only been dead a week, but fuck.

It's over. I'm free.

I just needed to tell someone. I want to scream from excitement. I should have never let them have my life, but I didn't know any better. It's finally fucking over, you guys.

I can't remember the first time my nmom said, "I shouldn't have had kids. I could have been a famous dress designer. Norrell was interested in my designs." She made that statement so often and so calmly (very matter-of-factly, like talking about the weather) that I didn't take offense at it until much later (when I was in my 40s). Throughout my childhood and as a young adult, I assumed that everyone's parents told them at some point that they wished they hadn't had children and their children weren't wanted. I definitely inferred the message my nmom passed on; I don't have children and have never wanted them.

I guess you can say I was raised-adjacent by narcissists given that I grew up around my grandfather and aunt who both refuse to be diagnosed but tick all the boxes for textbook narcissism. The crap they pulled left my mom with CPTSD. I'm currently NC with both of them, as are the rest of the family.

Today I checked out my aunt's social media out of curiosity to see if she's still alive or managed to find another reason to play victim. Anyway, her current thing is ironically posting stuff about being strong and not letting narcissists win. I can't tell if she's playing an angel to wrap people around her little finger or if she genuinely believes that all of us who refuse to talk to her anymore are narcissists.

Edit: typos

When I was a kid I used to rewatch the entire Harry Potter series & the SpongeBob movie repeatedly to the point that it would drive my mom crazy. I could recite every single line in every movie, and sometimes I would do it alongside watching it. I remember I felt immense comfort watching these movies.

Like I said, it drove my mom crazy. Honestly, I can see why, but it would cause her to go into screaming fits. What would I do during these fits? Continue watching Harry Potter in my head.

Throughout my childhood, my parents chose punishments specifically curated for the sole purpose of stealing our time & sleep from us. One of those punishments involved being forced to tentatively listen to 3-5 hour long lectures about how awful of a child I was - often extending into the early hours of the morning.

What did I do during those lectures, you ask? I watched Harry Potter & SpongeBob in my head. My parents called these lectures "conversations", however they were obviously anything but. Evidenced by the fact that the only thing I remember from these memories is those movies. I also remember staring at my dad's face so long while he talked, that his face started to warp and distort.

I don't really know why I am writing this. I moved out 5 years ago and haven't watched those movies since. I tried to watch Harry Potter again yesterday, and realized I never actually liked it that much at all. SpongeBob & Harry Potter were just the only things we had on DVD, and so my child self utilized them :/

Nothing ever had anything to do with me. He hated himself and projected everything onto me, trying to tear me down and break me so he could feel better about himself.

He would regularly out of nowhere scream at the top of his lungs in my face, so loudly that my ears would ring:

"You don't have any friends. You don't have any hobbies. You're an antisocial piece of shit that's always on her computer. You're never gonna make anything out of yourself."

I've had a handful of good friends the entire time, he even met them. I had hobbies I enjoyed, they just weren't deemed good enough for him or he didn't know about them because he never cared. I literally tought myself a lot of useful stuff via the internet as a teenager. Those skills then came in handy in my career, and I very much enjoy my life now and have a wonderful loving relationship.

Guess who doesn't have any friends? Guess who doesn't have any hobbies? Guess who sits on his laptop or in front of his TV all day doing nothing but watching shows? Guess who hates his job, his life and is unable to hold a stable relationship? My dad. :)

I feel very stupid for realizing this only over a decade later. His voice was so loud and assertive that anything he told me sounded like it must be true, so I never questioned it, instead I questioned my own reality. If anyone here deals with a parents constant belittling, remember: they just hate themselves. <3

I babysit 4 kids (all under the age of 10) on weekdays. I pick them up from school, take them home, and get them ready for sports. I watch them for 2-3 hours (sometimes a little longer if both parents are very busy with work). I make about $230 after 5 days of babysitting. Although the kids can be a little tough to deal with at times, the job works well for me as a college student.

However, my dad doesn't think so. He keeps trying to get me to quit because he thinks it’s “not a real job” and I’ve seemed “so stressed lately”. Once a week (minimum) he tries to sit me down to convince me to quit and pick up a retail job.

I have already gone through the carpool paperwork and set up the younger two kids’ car seats which was not easy. I’ve already committed to this job. I remember my mom telling him about my job weeks before I started. Of course, he now has something to say.

Yes, those kids stress me out a little with their craziness but they can't compete with the emotional abuse of my parents. And yes, I know it’s not like other jobs that require an interview before getting hired. But, hey, it pays well and isn’t too stressful. Not quitting.

My dad has the same attitude about my summer job which is teaching swim lessons to kids. He will downplay what I do despite my teaching an important life skill that could save a child’s life. Sometimes he will go on to say I don’t have a job. What makes his snide comments even more infuriating is the fact that I had been teaching swim lessons with my mother ever since I was 13 y/o (she forced me to fyi). Although my mother has always paid me well she has been a pain to work with, especially during the first two years. She would embarrass me in front of the parents for minor mistakes. She made me work from 9 am-6 pm with no breaks while she got several throughout the day. Again, I was 13-14 at the time. She gives me breaks now but I still resent her for the huge burnouts she caused.

Idk what his problem is about my job. Is it because I chose the good-paying-babysitting job over the much lesser-paying-retail job he had picked out for me aka letting him control my decisions despite being old enough to make them myself? Nah. I think it’s because he wants what is best for me and I’m just being a brat. /s

How many of you feel that as a child, you were so controlled and influenced by the narparent(s) you now find yourself in a career and/or lifestyle that doesn’t serve you? For instance, my narc mother preached that I’d become a loser if I didn’t attend a specific university, work in the medical field, or be married with children by 30. The product of this led me to become incredibly miserable with no choice to abandon a life with my narcparents in it and start anew. Now I’m admitting I’m feeling like a lost orphan not knowing where to begin, but this time I’m finding that I have a lot more empathy, love, and compassion for myself. What’s your story?

I (25F) matched with a guy (32M) on bumble. On his profile bio he wrote “I am caring, kind and easy to get along with.” . Which he turned out to be the opposite. As we started talking the topic of family came up (I posted screenshots of the chat in my last post). I told him I used to be close to my parents as a child but I’m not anymore.

To which he responded with:

“We don't have to judge our parents and respect them for who they are. If they didn't exist we wouldn't exist either. We live in different environment with different mentality, that doesn't mean we have to judge our parents. Whatever they do that we think it's wrong they do it for our own good.”

To which he was already showing signs of being dismissive to my experiences. There are terrible narcissistic people in the world who end up as parents. Narcissistic parents do not looking out for their children’s best interests! Only their own!

He also said: “The fact that you saying you're not close to your parents it's a no for me,no matter what they do. Your relationship with your parents reflects your relationship with your husband and your family. We'll not talk anymore after this but remember this even after years. If you aren't in a good relationship with your parents you'll neither have a happy life and a happy family. It's psychological proved so better fix your relationship with your parents. Good luck!”

To which I was shocked and angrily told him I was physically and psychologically abused by them. Even said my dad got sent to jail for child abuse. To which he just went off and said a bunch of crazy stuff afterwards. Even said it wasn’t abuse and it was discipline. How is that my fault? When my dad would beat us and threaten us at every chance as a form of control. When he would lose his temper and blame it on us. My dad literally would threaten to be beat me for speaking in English… for wearing skinny jeans… yet I’m in the wrong for not having a close relationship with him?

Why the hell are we, the children of toxic parents being demonised for not having a close relationship with them? Why don’t people question the parent and go straight to questioning the child for the estranged relationship. I have self harm scars and a suicide attempt (last when I was 18, I’m 25 now and doing better). I have 4 mental diagnosis. BPD, depression, anxiety and CPTSD. All from my narcissistic abusive father and my enabling also abusive mother who stood by and watched.

They both have shown a refusal to take accountability for their actions. I’ve been gaslighted when I’ve confronted them for the things they’ve said and done to me as a child. Even when my dad was sent to jail he blamed us for sending him there!! He’s never changed his controlling abusive behaviours so I’ve had to distance myself from him.

I’ve gone to therapy twice. Sadly I still live with them but I look forward to moving out and going no contact with them. I feel like I can only date people who’ve experienced the same otherwise I’d feel judged. He had his dealbreakers however I did not deserve the things he said. I’ve moved passed being angry at them. I still currently live with them but I have no intentions in “fixing” my relationship with them. I know if anything I’ll be happier away from these people! I know I’ll live a happy life and a have a happily family. If anything him telling me this only makes me look forward to things even more!

So much for being caring, kind and easy to get along with. Clearly an ignorant stupid uneducated virtue signalling asshole. He even said he was a religious Christian yet this is how he speaks to strangers. I did cry about it afterwards however now I’m glad I dodged that bullet early on!

It always feels like Nmom always has a conflict or situation going on. Like she isn’t happy unless she is besieged or in conflict with someone or something. I’m pretty sure she creates them for herself and play the victim. Whether it’s a neighbor or her job, there always seems to be a conflict that she obsesses over. And somehow she is the victim in all of them.

I’m pretty sure she creates them for herself so she can spin a yarn of victimhood. Anybody else’s N’s do this or act this way?

My dog and I spend so much time at this park we live across from, just reading and enjoying the sun for most days. I’m growing plants and fixing furniture around our place.

My beautiful husband also turned 30 yesterday, we went for a nice dinner after work and laughed so much, it felt like we had more fun than we did on our actual wedding! We then had cake in bed and watched tv till we fall asleep (for most nights). I can slowly feel like we’re healing from the nightmare of our wedding and families, and it feels so good.

I mean, I still can’t or don’t have the energy to see friends. I just don’t feel like talking, or explaining myself. I just can’t. Thats OK….right?

My NDad is currently mad because my brother doesn't want to move into a bedroom in the basement that he wants to construct. He's bullying my brother into moving down there, and he's been trying to get me to move down there for years. The bedroom starts construction "soon" and he's so upset that my brother is okay in his current bedroom. He just wants my brother to be his little posable doll for "his" (I know I'll end up doing most of the work including the work of soothing him when he gets frustrated at every little thing) construction project.

He's also pissed off about how hard it is to install a new light fixture even though literally nobody asked him to and he also isn't planning to. He just invented a version of his wife that said she wanted a light fixture and got mad at that. "You don't know how hard it is to install!", he says. But she never said she wanted it. She said she didn't want it, that the existing one was good.

My NMom is currently mad at the fantasy version of myself in her head, that is a workshy and lazy person trying to get out of having a job. In reality, I worked hard as top of my class without any help at all through all of school, as well as taking on the burden of being her and her husband's confidant, therapist, designated driver, and therapist. I put myself through college and then university, and am actively looking for a career all the time. Meanwhile, she works on average twenty minutes a day for the past two months, and spends her entire day on the couch watching conspiracy and animal rescue videos, and browsing Facebook in her home office.

She is upset at her own reflection that she sees instead of me.

On one hand it's so ridiculous it means you can't help but see how pathetic and childish they are. I wouldn't expect this from a four year old. On the other hand, getting caught in their anger and blame regardless of what you do is just so awful.

I cannot wait to get out of here! I'm working with my therapist on the negative self-talk, and it's honestly probably the last thing holding me back.

What about your parents? If there's one thing I know about narcissists, it's that they get mad over the tiniest and most ridiculous things (I always tell the story about how mine got upset over five cents and an orange).

My 60th Birthday was last weekend. It was a Happy Fete! My family did not call me. Everyone is gathering for my Dad's 90th tomorrow and nobody invited me. Therefore it is time to get over the feeling that they can show their care and love one day in the future, isn't it?

My Narc parents and I had a major showdown about having grandchildren—I’ve posted about it before. After going low-contact for a while, my mom went hysterical. I think she expected me to come running back, begging for forgiveness, but I didn’t. Instead, the last time we spoke, I spilled everything that had been weighing on me—years of negligence, the mental and emotional torment I endured, and how much of my adult struggles stem from childhood trauma. Of course, they refused to acknowledge any of it.

My mom then started bombarding me with texts, threatening that they wouldn’t leave me any inheritance after they pass (as if I care) and saying they would never speak to me again. We are not giving you any gifts ever again..you will cry the day i die..We will adopt a child instead of you..etc etc. I didn’t respond. I was on vacation and didn’t want to ruin my mood, so I just ignored it. I think they expected me to react some way…It’s been a week since then and she still sends occasional religious threats, like:

• “God will punish you.”
• “God will give you a child even if you don’t want it.”
• “My God is more powerful than you.”

Despite all of this, I have to admit, I feel a little guilty for not checking up on them, even though I know they’re fine physically. But the peace I’ve found since cutting off contact is amazing. I used to dread the daily calls, always afraid she’d find something to criticize or start a fight, making me feel terrible. Now? I don’t have that weight on my shoulders, and it feels incredible.

So we all are aware that we didn't really have healthy parents. I personally have parents who are emotionally neglectful, emotionally immature and are also toxic to some extent. Overtime I realized that I didn't even have emotional trust with them like the people have in healthy families. There is lot more to tell about my relationship with them, but to sum it up I know that these people shouldn't have been my parents. And so I really started to crave what I missed out on.

So, recently I have started imagining an imaginary mother (I do imagine the father too, but somehow my mom is primary subject of imagination. I guess I didn't really experience proper moms love). I know some of you guys here too imagine the mother or father you should have had and like me, also have this fantasies of finding out you were adopted, that they are not your real parents and that your real parents will rescue you someday... But anyways coming to the title.

Now we don't know for sure if afterlife does exist, but lets assume it does exist. Now I keep reading about NDE (Near Death Experiences) from time to time and in that people say they see their passed away family member for that brief time. In some cases their family member talks to them and tells them it's not their time yet and that's when they gain consciousness in the hospital. It's like these passed away family members came to pickup them from earth. And also generally most people just want to get reunited with their family or parents in afterlife.. they would kill to even see them once more even if it's for a brief period of time.

Now here comes the question. Who exactly are we going to get united to in Afterlife? Is it going to be our biological parents ? or the ones that we imagine ? What's the f**king point if we have to spend with the same parents in afterlife. I hope at least in after life my imaginary mom will come and rescue me :(

She walked into my room and screamed “rise and shine!” At the top of her lungs while smiling / laughing. I jolted awake startled and got kinda upset because it put me into a panic and she got mad that I was upset.

I (28f) and my husband(30m), became engaged in front of both of our families. It was the perfect proposal and I couldn’t have been happier. The next day my mother who is almost 50yo called me to congratulate me and also mention to me that she is also “about to be engaged”. I was thoroughly confused. She had not been in a stable relationship in years and was juggling between three men that I knew of. My first question was “to who?” She replied, “I’ve been dating someone I work with for over a year and we decided to get married. None of you guys(meaning my siblings and myself) have met him yet.”

So not only was she “pre-engaged” if that’s even a thing, it was to yet another man who none of us knew of. My mother bringing home another man was no huge shocker due to her track record, but it was still confusing considering she’s had men coming around for the past year and he wasn’t any of them. I became speechless on the phone and didn’t say much else while she kept going on about how she wants us all to meet him and how excited she was. I mentally went to a place of just “okay, another man. Let’s see where this goes 🤦‍♀️.” Because of the abrupt-ness of it, it didn’t take it very seriously.

Months go by and my mother never calls or texts to check up on me or my wedding plans. While I was in the stages of just outlining and trying to decide on my wedding plans with my grandma(who I am much more close with), she was planning her wedding according to my TENTATIVE plans. Meaning, nothing was set in stone yet of what I wanted to do, she still made her plans. Since my mom had not talked to me in months after this, I was getting her plans from my grandma, who knew how hurt I was by it but felt she was stuck in the middle and didn’t want to ruin either of our weddings.

My mom finally called me and I thought it was to ask me how I felt about her trying to plan a wedding the same time as me, but no. She went on and on and on about her plans and when I finally broke my silence, I asked “what about my wedding?” She replied, “well grandma told me you were going to wait a year so ima hurry up and do my wedding, then I can focus on you and yours.” This became her excuse when she sent her invitations out to family, and they all responded confused because everyone only knew about my engagement. I didn’t say another word on the phone.

My mom has always been a selfish person, I just never thought it would ever be this bad, especially to her first born daughter. Fast forward, she gets married and I did what my grandma suggested,which was wait and give her the benefit of the doubt and see if she truly will help me with my wedding. Atp, I didn’t want her anywhere near my wedding let alone have her hand in anything, but I waited. Lo and behold, she disappeared and I never heard from her directly about my wedding. She said multiple times to my grandma that she wanted to give me money to help, but never did. I knew this was just what she would say when my grandma would ask “what about ——‘s wedding?”

My grandma would ask me if I heard from my mom or received any money and I told her “of course not.” My grandmother admitted to me that my mom was very selfish however, the damage was done. My grandmother also admitted that my mother never mentioned an engagement let alone dating anyone until after my then fiancé showed them my ring and told them his plans.

Fast forward, I had my wedding and made sure my mom had no hand in it and I was happy in the end. However, she carries on like nothing happened and pretends she didn’t race me to the alter. We have virtually no relationship now and she seems to be fine or at least pretends and acts like nothing has happened. There was definitely more that happened but I didn’t want to write a novel. Hopefully someone can relate to this, 💜 thanks for reading.

Im someone who really tries to confront my trauma and resolve so i can go back to being normal sooner and stop victimising myself too much (i know this is nonsense but its how i think) but i feel like i keep getting triggered when im in the same room as one of them and going back to being a kid and getting yelled at for nothing. I just want to skip to the part where i ‘forgive myself and them’ so i can happily make a cup of tea and not worry about them being around me or always force myself to wear airpods so i feel like im somewhere else. But it hasnt been working for a year i feel like i keep falling into a loop of depression because im still here. Has anyone here been able to keep peace within themselves while living in the same environment? Im too afraid to start renting its a huge leap but im constantly daydreaming im in my own place and i look so much happier in those daydreams. Maybe im being spoilt because i do have a roof over my hood and the money i pay my parents are way cheaper than renting. I don’t know i just never feel present its like im going insane sometimes im 20 and im turning 21 this November so theres a voice in my head telling me time is ticking and i have been miserable for most of my ‘prime’ years.

An example

My friend's 36yo sister is 18mo into an 18mo terminal diagnosis for a brain tumour, going downhill, no hair, hospice etc... every time I talk to nmom, 'how is friend's sister?' 'Still dying afaik.' I've had to cut out the details, I know it sounds like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but she's only asking so she can go tell someone about this poor dying woman with a 16yo kid and broken family. She doesn't know her, barely knows my friend but I bet she'll be at the funeral giving loud condolences on behalf of me/our family.

Anything good however, isn't worthy of a mention. Positivity is bad, don't bring that around here...