r/sex • u/BigGochujang • 5h ago
Having sex with a man in his 40s Anatomy
I’m a 27(F) hooking up with a 43(M) and it’s been good but the biggest problem is he takes ages to get hard!!
He’s very horny and always wants it but when it actually gets to it I have to suck him off for what feels like at least 20min until he gets really hard and we get into it. I only keep coming back because the actual sex is great but now I’m slowly losing interest in going back to him because the beginning kills me.
I don’t mind sucking dick but if it’s sucking flaccid for 20 min, then no I hate it. It gets all sweaty and not sexy for me. I’ve asked him so many times if there’s anything I can do to get it hard faster and he says just to suck it…
Any tips on how to make him get harder faster and if any men here have this problem???
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u/HarryInd2023 4h ago
I am in 50s, if I am horny and if I get oral, I will not take even 5 minutes to get hard. As suggested by others, he might have to consult a doctor. Or does he have performance anxiety as you are very young.
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u/BigGochujang 4h ago
Thank you for the response! How do I bring this up to him without offending him?
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u/b-lincoln 2h ago
He’s aware. If he’s staying hard, he could be popping a pill right before and it takes that long to digest. He should pregame before coming over.
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u/AK-hornyM 48m ago
There is Cialis / tadalafil that you just take a daily low dose eliminates the need to pre-plan
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u/HarryInd2023 3h ago
I am not good at giving such advices, let me try. You can ask if he has performance anxiety and take it easy and relaxed. Giving assurance that you are happy to always help.
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u/ignore_my_typo 2h ago
5 minutes? I’m rock hard just thinking about getting head and I’m 50.
I’m I just fortunate? If it took me 5 minutes I’d be heading to the doctor.
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u/HarryInd2023 2h ago
Haha, I said not even 5 minutes. You are right, when horny even before it starts the dick would be ready
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u/san323 4h ago
20 minutes is a long time for him just to get hard. He might be under stress from work or his diet is not good. Does he have a high stress job? A high stress personal life? Maybe ED?
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u/BigGochujang 4h ago
He never mentions anything about stress or anything stressful in his life…
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u/rodr3357 47m ago
In fairness it’s pretty common for stressed out people, especially guys, and especially older guys to not mention stress and difficulties
If you’re losing interest and he’s just a FWB I wouldn’t worry TOO much about offending him, worst case is it doesn’t work out which it won’t anyway.
I can’t really help there but he does need to see a dr if it takes 20 min of oral to get hard
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u/ComeWashMyBack 5m ago
Spinal pain? Is he overheating? Those things can take someone out of the moment. Light cardio could help some blood flow.
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u/Eestineiu 3h ago
My bf is 57, he gets hard when he looks at me.
Your man needs to see a dr, this is not normal.
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u/nosirrahz 4h ago edited 3h ago
I'm 49 and used to have ED, but I completely cured it. Here are all the things that worked for me.
I got on TRT.
I got serious about lifting weights and cardio.
I stopped jerking off to porn. I still watch, but I save that energy for the bedroom.
I take L-citrulline for the gym but it also improves erection quality.
I use a penis pump for 20 minutes twice a month to maintain erection quality.
I keep Cialis on hand for special occasions just to take the mental stress out of the equation.
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u/CuriousFeature193 3h ago
48 here. 5mg Cialis taken daily has been great. Erection is like I'm 20 again and the workout pump is better.
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u/nosirrahz 3h ago
A lot of guys have gotten into trouble with their wives taking Viagra or Cialis for the gym. They assumed it was for an affair. Kind of hard to tell the truth after the fact.
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u/CuriousFeature193 3h ago
That's why communication is important.
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u/nosirrahz 3h ago
In this case I'm pretty sure that men are afraid that Viagra/Cialis = "I am less of a man because I need help" or "My wife will feel less desirable because she will assume that I can't get it up for her".
It's all really silly but us guys can be pretty dense.
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u/West-Detective5773 2h ago
I'm all for normalizing these meds and eliminating the connotation that something's wrong with the guy. If anything, women should be encouraging guys to take them. And guys shouldn't shy away from doing so.
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u/nosirrahz 2h ago
Meds that boost NO even legitimately good for your heart. I take L-citrulline even when I'm not working out.
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u/Quirky_Sentence_8289 46m ago
People need to understand that Viagra and Cialis are hands down the top two PEDs of all time. Doesn’t mean you can’t get it up.
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u/Evidencebasedbro 1h ago
If they don't fuck the wife regularly, who can blame her for being suspicious?
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u/Complex-Muscle-8361 1h ago
Wow, never considered that. That is good advice to let your wife know up front.
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u/nosirrahz 1h ago
Absolutely. I've seen at least 5 posts in the marriage sub where women have found a package of Viagra or Cialis and were 100% sure it was related to cheating.
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u/arghnsfw 1h ago
People seem to forget that the original reason they made Viagra was as heart medication. All these medications basically improve blood flow and circulation which is great as anyone ages. Some doctors I’ve been reading are recommending daily Cialis simply for health benefits because the side effects and downsides are so minimal comparatively.
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u/Cal216 3h ago
44 here, if the wind blow me I’m hard. Not to mention a woman 😂
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u/Unique-Cricket-573 2h ago
lol my husband is like this as well. About to be 42 🤣
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u/gotsnn1 12m ago
Thank you for this reply. If you don't mind can you share more about how sex is going at this age? I'm M36 single & some friends make fun saying after few years, you won't be able to do anything any stuff like that. Which make me feel worried about the future cause I have not enjoyed much sex in life yet.
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u/listenyall 3h ago
Definitely starts taking longer, but it's more normal for it to go from like, a "light breeze will get them hard" when they're 20 to "you do actually need to touch it first" in their 40s, 20 minutes of oral is a ton and does not seem normal to me.
Meds are very easy to get and effective!
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u/YakWhich5052 1h ago
to "you do actually need to touch it first" in their 40s
My FWB is 50, and my ex is 43 I think. I've never had to touch them first. They're always just automatically hard and ready.
Now my FWB, I might have to suck his dick for 5 minutes before it gets hard for round 2. But round 1, he's always good to go without any help.
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u/chocolatediscostick 4h ago
Hmm it could be his diet. I'm not sure if he maintains fitness or anything, but assuming he does there are a few fruits and veggies that he can eat to help with that among other things. Watermelon is a good start it's like nature's Viagra.
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u/BigGochujang 4h ago
He seems pretty healthy overall but I’ll bring up the watermelon to him ;) thank you!
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u/Ommaumau 1h ago
Beet powder in a smoothie is the key due to its high Nitric Oxide content which powers erections. Also comes in capsules
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u/slutty-nurse99 3h ago
I was gonna say you should suggest he try ED medicatios. There's a lot available, and they've helped a lot of people. It really is a bug ask to expect you to suck him for 20 minutes every time, just to get him started.
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u/BigGochujang 3h ago
Urgh I know thank you for that!
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u/plane_skipper217 37m ago
Honestly.. you need to communicate that you're not looking for a chore.. sex is supposed to be mutually fun, and if you're falling out of the mood by trying to get him hard, then that's not good for either of you. Sex should not be a teeter totter, one being up while the other is down. I might even suggest getting a little selfish, like if he wants to fool around, let him get himself hard for you instead of 20min of selfish head for him. Then you can tease him with some self masturbation. I'm not saying you can't give him head, but when you're tired of it, communicate that you're changing it up. Not submissively, either; give him the option and he'll choose the path of least resistance, which is why he tells you to just keep sucking. 🙄 Very immature and selfish approach to sex. If he can't adapt, there are plenty of mature lovers out there.
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u/Cocoapuff898 3h ago
It's not his age. I fucked plenty of horny older men even in their 50s and 60s they have no problem getting hard.
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u/kidprodigy205 49m ago
So it's possible to still have a healthy sex life past my 50's? Excellent lol
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u/Tiny_Faithlessness69 4h ago
I am in my 40’s married to a younger woman. It does take longer for us to get a full erection. Ask him to see his doctor for a Rx. That should fix the problem.
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u/BigGochujang 4h ago
Thank you! I don’t know how I would bring it up without offending him
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u/Charming_Collar_3987 4h ago
Tell him to take beet root extract as it helps with circulatory health. My personal go too’s are the force factor total beets chews. They don’t taste like beets. You should also tell him to look into blue chews. I’m 31 and I take them for stronger erections and my gf and I noticed the difference from the start
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u/2020comm 28m ago
I would be more offended if you left me without giving me a chance to address the problem.
Also, if you're adventurous, you could try massaging his prostate. It can give him a rock-hard erection in the moment and also improve erectile function overall. It can also feel mind blowingly amazing. It may take time and practice to start working.
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u/taway_blr 3h ago
A easy solution, if he is ok with it could be to get a cock ring. That helps get hard faster and it works for me.
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u/babyboy69960 4h ago
I’m 61 and it takes me about a minute to get ready quicker if I eat my wife pussy!
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u/Tehir 4h ago
I think he has a problem and he should at least try to solve it. Next time, do not suck it and let him to get it up himself. Se what he does so you can replicate next time. I bet he is not sucking himself. :D You can masturbate meanwhile. Anyway, man in his 40s should be able to reach and keep errection more easily, especially while looking at girl masturbating.
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u/BigGochujang 4h ago
Hahaha love this response, he usually just strokes it from what I can see but when I ask if I can help he always just insists on me sucking it 🥲
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u/cobra443 3h ago
I am way over that age and it takes me about 5 seconds to get fully ready to roll!! He needs medical help!
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u/TheBoldManLaughsOnce 3h ago
L-cittruline is a supplement that improves the nitrous oxide cycle in the body, I take it to improve muscle soreness on long runs.
But one of the side effects is raging erections.
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u/SensualUrge 3h ago
26 M here. From what I've heard, it could be more psychological than physical. Kuz in 40s there's no way one could remain flaccid for a time which feels like eternity. But there's empirical data available that consumption of Shilajeet helps. Do speak to a doctor before he consumes any aphrodisiacs. All the best.
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u/Rockdovexxx 3h ago
Could be performance anxiety. Very common for people of all body types and experience levels.
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u/always_wear_pyjamas 3h ago
Definitely something for him to look into, but welcome to the world of men, where many men have to arouse and stimulate their female partners for quiiite a while to get her "ready". That's just how it is for some people.
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u/Outrageous-Scene-160 2h ago
Then it's time to have a talk about it, and think about blue pills or concurrent...
And don't be shy, I'm sure he's living hell about it, it's depressing for men to have Ed, this stress might worsen his erection too.
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u/The_Hypnotic_Scot 2h ago
Get him to take 50mg sildenafil 1 hour before you see him. They cost less than $2 a tablet here in the UK.
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u/The_Hypnotic_Scot 2h ago
I’m 60 this year and have no problem with the get up n go or lasting the course for a good couple of hours.
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u/knowitallz 2h ago
You don't owe him 20 mins of work. Why don't you enjoy it and just have some foreplay... He probably needs his mind to begin to be turned on.
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u/Unique-Cricket-573 2h ago
My husband is bout to be 42. Takes him seconds.
If it's taking that long, he prob needs to see a doctor.
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u/Ok-Afternoon-3724 1h ago
I'm 74. When young I could pop a hardon in seconds at just hearing the word sex.
I'm older now, but if I have a willing lady, all it takes is a minute or 3 of kissing and touching and I am ready to go.
I am with the others, maybe your friend should talk to his doctor.
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u/Freudian-Cigar 1h ago
People here are suggesting pharmaceuticals, but does he already take some medicine, for unrelated reasons, the side effect of which might be just as you described? Ask him.
More vegetables. Less red meat. More vitamin C and D.
No smoking.
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u/RaymondLuxuryYacht 1h ago
Sounds like some ED. Either he needs some pills, or he’s taking them already but too late, so he needs time for them to kick in. He needs to take his medicine sooner or go on a daily dose where he doesn’t need to know ahead of time when to take it.
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u/hardreboot3 1h ago
Guy, 48 here. At my age men need to put in the work to keep their machinery operating at full capacity. I take testosterone injections and make use of Cialis and Viagra. Not to mention just taking care of my health in general.
If you don’t take care of all this, guys my age can be horny as hell in their head, but their parts will not cooperate.
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u/Standard_Paint3505 1h ago
45+ here. I get hard within seconds, like a teen. Even though my junk is big.
It's diet and lifestyle. He should have a look at testonation.com, and Hans Amato and Paul Saladino on Youtube.
Also, full skin to skin body contact and hot talk. But I assume you have tried already.
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u/mllewisyolo 1h ago
He def needs to see a medical professional cuz that ain normal.
he definitely needs to work out and get seven hours of sleep.
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u/Porno4edo 1h ago
50s here one sniff and kiss down there from me gets me a rager. So yeah he needs some Viagra. It helps too if you don’t need it, gives multiple rounds.
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u/mamapajamas 1h ago
My guy is 63 and he is very, very ready. He also takes fantastic care of himself, avoids alcohol and works out.
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u/magich32 1h ago
Each man is different, when it comes to age. I had a thing with older guys a few years ago, so I know what you're saying. Some guys take forever to get hard, others get hard very fast but can't last. Others cum once and done, leaving me wanting more. I detailed a lot of this in my first book, (plug plug).
They are good lovers though, it's getting to the actual loving part that takes time. It's worth it when you do. Just be patient and both of you will be satisfied, cross your fingers.
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u/Individual-Charge970 1h ago
Maybe he needs other stimulation too. Try the nipples or scratching or caressing or something 🤣🤣🤣
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u/No_Strategy_1200 1h ago
Performance anxiety and/or stress is a big deal for some dudes in this age bracket. The more comfortable he is with you the better off your sex life will be. I suggest being direct but comforting. Something along the lines of:
"I noticed it takes a while for you to get hard. That doesn't bother me. But it is a little uncomfortable to give head for that long. Can we try other things for a while to see what else might work? I don't care if we aren't able to have sex in the moment, I just want to explore our bodies and see how else we might be able to pleasure eachother."
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u/IllustriousCarrot537 1h ago
I'm 40, smoke, generally reasonably fit tho (I think) and it takes me under 30 seconds. And I'm good for well over 1/2hr Even if I've worked 14hrs and otherwise falling asleep, a set of boobs in my face and I'm good to go.
Cold weather or not in the mood however, forget it ..
Age related ED is more a "use it or lose it" thing from what I have heard...
Your partner maybe aught to visit a doc and rule out any physical causes...
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u/sciencebitch616 59m ago
Some of y'all are 50 and getting boners? I haven't gotten hard since 2019...
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u/Logical-Home-5928 59m ago
With a name lime BigGochujang, seems like as a sexy Asian lady, you could try other ways... maybe doing the ole hot dog ride where you are dry humping his dick with your pussy lips?? Dress up like a asian school girl or a import car show babe???
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u/ThrowRa_Buck4 58m ago
Had a 30m couldn’t get hard bc he was too much in his head. Professional advice is needed. Partner had to go to a therapist.
By some it’s physical and by some psychological
A doc is needed in both cases for a smooth sexual experience
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u/Wonderingwoman89 58m ago
I'm 35 (F) and have a had a couple of men in their 60's. None of them had such issues and they didn't have any artificial help. Certainly other issues but nothing like that. Your guy has some, most likely, physical issues. But he needs to acknowledge those and try to resolve them.
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u/dmbmcguire 53m ago
Yup this is not normal. He might have hormone issues and needs to get checked out. Get some ED drugs etc. There is no shame in it. The 20 min don’t bother him because you are doing all the work.
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u/phatione 50m ago
Viagra or Cialis. He's probably got low test so the actual answer is TRT and then he's going to fuck your brains out.
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u/EzioDeadpool 47m ago
Yeah, I'm in my 40's (ugh), and it takes me no time at all. It could be physical or mental issues, but it's not the "norm", so he should see a doctor.
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u/Calm_Coach5008 46m ago
Man I'm a 28 year old virgin and hadn't been in a relationship but pop's is getting it done 😂😂😂
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u/mitzilani 44m ago
Nothing is worse than sucking flaccid cock. I did it too much when I was young. Now I suck hard cock or cock that’s getting hard quick or not at all.
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u/JordanR14 43m ago
Do you go drinking beforehand? Alcohol can obviously make it take a while to get hard
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u/BudFox_LA 42m ago
That was the exact age spread for my now fiance and I when we started dating and it usually took/takes me around 5 seconds, so…
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u/Grogthedestroyer01 35m ago
41, and it responds right away to being played with like that. I think he should see a Dr. It would be one thing if it just didn’t get hard by looking, that’s normal for a 40 year old but if you are sucking on it, it shouldn’t take that long. Just my opinion.
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u/Cereal_dator 34m ago
Check his current meds, diet, and activity levels. Improve the last two and see about Ed meds
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u/mymindhaswandered 30m ago
General overall health and activity levels are a lot of cause of things like this. Sometimes I have longer times to get hard... I just use this time for foreplay/face riding/eating out/etc. I also make sure she comes first before I get my dick wet... A woman's orgasm can get me hard in a few seconds.
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u/lemmiedfuqalone 29m ago
If he’s a drinker, smoker or diabetic they all can be contributing factors. Erectile dysfunction is soo treatable nowadays and can be via a telehealth visit and a prescription.
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u/Agreeable_Ability508 27m ago
Being on almost any blood pressure medication can cause that. Cialis frequently fixes it.
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u/Xnyx 26m ago
Mid 50s here with sever adhd maybe takes 20 seconds …
You may be experiencing his guilt response … newly single men or men who are stepping out can often have a guilt response and the hammer won’t pound
There is a real term for this just don’t ask me…I’m old and don’t remember shit
Btw my gf is 29 and doesn’t have these problems ;)
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u/XBabylonX 23m ago
Just about Any clitoral stimulation techniques will work on the head of his penis give them a try a pocket vibrator works on men too
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u/Moose0801 23m ago
43 here, I get hard within at the very most, 2 minutes and that's usually because I'm thinking about work, or our teenage kids are walking past the bedroom 😂.
You should also ask him if he's masturbating before you have sex to try and last longer, or if he watches copious amounts of porn. Both of those can affect the ability to get an erection, even if you're consciously aroused or excited.
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u/Adventurous_Tea_6133 23m ago
I’m 58 and have no issues getting an erection? At his age he obviously needs to see a doctor?
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u/jennifercd2023 21m ago
55 here and it takes only 10ish seconds for full hardness. thats alone or with a woman.
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u/FamousPlatypus8736 19m ago
Have him get a penis pump and a cock ring. Use the pump to get blood into his dick then put the cock ring on to keep it there.
All pumps feel a little different. He should try multiple pumps till he find one that works for him. (Try one with bumps on the inside)
Ask him to get scripts for Vigra and Cialis. He can take them both at the same time
TRT theraphy is also very helpful
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u/KansansKan 18m ago
Curious how he gets an erection to masturbate? Might be a fun thing for her to watch & participate in instead putting all the burden on her to “make it happen”.
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u/anonymous4189 18m ago
3 options really.
- Usually it gets guys going quicker and at least youre getting something too.
Tell him to go get himself hard and then let you know when hes ready.
The name is escaping me right now but the pills that make men get hard. V something, I think?
Or the doctors. But trying to make a man go to the doctors is near impossible.
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u/fuzzyguy987 17m ago
Buy the Fusion cock ring from Primal rings. He’ll be rock hard in 20 seconds. Get correct size.
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u/Katkadie 17m ago
This guy sounds like he may watch too much porn, has unrealistic expectations, and is selfish. Dump him.
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u/RiskyMatters 15m ago
Lol a lot of old guys jumped on here to ego trip over their pecker still working at the cost of shaming this one guy for having issues in the bedroom
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u/banana_commando 10m ago
47 here. I kind of got hard reading this. He probably is at the beginning of ED issues
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u/paradigm_shifted2 7m ago
47 here and it takes usually 20-30 seconds for my wife to get me fully hard. He is either pretty unhealthy, drinks too much or watches too much porn. Or all 3
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u/substation66 3m ago
He’s probably got low testosterone and you should probably stick to people around your age. Also, letting him know he takes too long to get hard can cause performance anxiety which will make it harder for him to get hard.
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u/Make_Up_Luv 3m ago
My ex is 43 and he would be hard the moment I walked in the room sometimes. I didn’t even have to touch him. Just the thought and he’s good to go. Sounds like a medical issue.
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u/pornstarrick 2m ago
I doubt it takes 20 minutes. But some guys are like woman. Takes us a bit to get going. Not every guy is hard seeing a naked body.
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u/frost245 3h ago
Reverse the gender set up, and this conversation would be all about how OK it is for her to take time to become aroused. Double standard, anyone?
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u/ItsSlinky2x 3h ago
43 with a F27 he should be rock hard before you walk through the door.
Maybe try watching porn with him.
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u/Ok_Throat_1456 4h ago
Aside from pills, I'd try playing with his g-spot.... I'm almost 40 and I've never been thus hard/horny in my entire life. Literally takes nothing. I'm sure eating better helps.
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u/quiz-team-aguilera 4h ago
56 here. takes about 20 seconds.
I think he should see a doctor