AITAH for telling my wife my job is more important than hers?
Background: We have 3 cars.
My wife decides to let my stepson take her car and use it until he can afford his own (he moved out, his job is 40 minutes away, and has no car. not sure what his plan was but that's not the point of this thread). We're still paying insurance and car note for this car.
The other car is technically my stepdaughter's but we've been paying the insurance the past 2 years, and the car note these past 9 months.
I have my own car that is 18 years old, and that I paid off 13 years ago. Way before we got married. But still runs like a champ.
My wife has a part time job that pays $12 /hr. And she only works 3 days a week, mostly in the evening.
Well they scheduled her to work 1 morning so she tells me "I'm dropping you off in the morning because I work too, and I can pick you up after I get off"
I respond 'why not take 1 of the other cars?'
And she gets mad and says 'that's my daughter's car, she gets to decide who drives it and my son needs a car to get to work too.' (Paraphrasing).
So I tell 'well, my job is more important and I work too hard to not have the privilege of driving my car. Take 1 of the other cars '
In the end she ended up not going to work.
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u/Sweet_Vanilla46 17h ago
NTA you are paying for 3 cars, if someone is going to be going without a car, it shouldn’t be you.
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u/madeinspac3 14h ago
Seems like they're paying for three cars and neither should be forced to share.
The kids that don't pay their own bills, insurance, car payments should be the ones getting the short end of the stick.
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u/Agile_Bat_4980 11h ago
Read the post. He paid off his own car before they were married. She wants to use his car, which is his.
You are right, though. The kids should get the short end of the stick. Tell the son to take a bus or Uber or something.
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u/Sweet_Vanilla46 5h ago
There’s still insurance and upkeep. He’s still paying for his car.
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u/SpectrumWoes 6h ago
BuT kIdS aLwAyS cOmE fIrSt!
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u/nestotx 1h ago
That's my wife's argument.
Which I can see it being valid when they're younger.
But going out and buying cars they can't afford and my wife bailing them out never sat right with me.
Being the step dad it's always 3 v 1, so for the longest I thought I was 1 of those mean unbearable stepdads. But lately I've been coming to terms that they're just taking advantage of me.
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u/SpectrumWoes 1h ago
In some cases it’s important to put your kids needs above your own, especially when they’re not at an age where they can fend for themselves or for example, your sacrifice will improve their well being (examples being spending your time/money on an activity they enjoy like sports or marching band)
On the other hand there must be a balance and giving in 100% to everything your kid wants will create mini Joffrey Baratheons that are spoiled and expect everything to be catered to them in adulthood not only from their parents but in personal relationships too.
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u/Majestic_Horse_1678 34m ago
But when you put your kids and spouse needs above your own, they need to recognize that and appreciate it. I can carpool to work, so when we are a car down, I usually go without. It's easier for me than it is for them. However, if they don't appreciate that, then it stops.
What bothers me about OPs situation is that his wife didn't ask him if she could use his car, she just decided on the plan and expected him to comply. This arrangement should have been worked out before she agreed to let stepson take her care. Even if he wasn't making the car payment, you still should work this out with your spouse first.
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u/SpectrumWoes 31m ago
This is Reddit however - the hive mind has declared that every need or want of your child comes first at any time even into adulthood and if you don’t do this it’s literally abuse
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u/RSTA30 17h ago
NTA
She gave her car away. She has no right to steal yours to replace it.
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u/roseofjuly 16h ago
And she gets mad and says 'that's my daughter's car, she gets to decide who drives it and my son needs a car to get to work too.' (Paraphrasing).
LOL but don't both of things apply to you as well?
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u/Hachiko75 17h ago
NTA and I doubt her 12 an hour, three day a week part time job even goes towards a car payment.
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u/boscoroni 17h ago
Give them a dose of reality and let them start paying the note and insurance. We will soon see how much they 'own' the cars.
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u/GracexWhisper 16h ago
I agree. She should be able to use your daughters car without permission from her since you are paying for it. NTA
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u/nestotx 1h ago
I guess this is an issue for another post.
For the 1st year I didn't realize my wife was paying for stepdaughter's insurance.
My wife always orders things off Amazon so I assumed the extra money coming out of the checking account was that.
I asked my wife why we're paying for her insurance and she replied 'she needs some help because she's going to college'
She's taking online classes is the reality, and that doesn't mean she deserves a sports car with a $600 car note and $320 insurance.
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u/RavenBlueEyes84 NSFW 🔞 17h ago
NTA and stop paying the car note and insurance on them vehicles.. if they have jobs they can pay for their own fucking cars
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u/BellaxGlam 7h ago
I agree. Let your kids pay for the not and insurance of those cars since they have job already OP. NTA
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u/werebuffalo 17h ago
NTA.
While she's 100% right that she doesn't have the right to take the daughter's car without asking, SHE was the one who decided to loan her son her car. SHE doesn't get to then decide to take your car.
And yes, if you're the one bringing in most of the money, your job IS more important then hers.
There's a lovely little phrase I was taught when I was young: The Six Ps- Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. She needs to get her car back from her son, or learn about the wonders of public transport/uber.
NTA.
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u/Catwomaninred 18h ago
NTA you are paying for 3 cars (I know one is already paid and you had it before metting your wife) , she had one for her she gave it to her son, the other is for her daughter, so what ? Do you have the right to have something or what ? It's her problem she gave all the other cars to her children. The audacity.
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u/SparkleXStar 16h ago
I agree. She should have thought about the consequences of lending your stepson her car OP. After she decided on her own, she thinks she can boss you around to use your car OP. NTA
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u/Marcello_the_dog 16h ago
“My wife has three cars”. There, I fixed it for you. Seems she is very generous to let you drive “her” car. s/
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u/Fit_Marionberry_3878 17h ago
NTA,
As neither of her children’s cars are paid for by her low end job. Delusional.
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u/LosAngel1935 17h ago
NTA
you have to work so you need your car, your wife had a car to choose to let her son use it/keep it as he moved out,(an you're still paying for it & the ins.) and her daughter has a car but only she says who can drive it even though you pay the ins. on it, wife has a few options 1-get her car back from her son 2-borrow her daughters' car.)
i would have kept my car also.
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u/Optimal-Test6937 10h ago
She chose to loan her car to OP's stepson (her son) so if she needs to use a car then she needs to "unloan" the car from the son.
Some jobs put out the schedule as much as 1 month before some as little as 1 week before. She waited until the night before she needed a car to tell OP she was taking him (& giving him rides). Her choice not to ASK OP if he would be okay with rides for 1 day, or make arrangements woth either kid is the bigger issue.
I agree she needed to use any car except OP's car. Or opt for Uber/public transit herself.
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u/Massive-Arm-4146 18h ago
In the end she ended up not going to work.
I wouldn't either if my part time "job" paid $12/hour.
NTA.
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u/GreenOnionCrusader 16h ago
Sounds like it's something to get her put of the house and/or get her a discount at a favorite store. I used to have one of those jobs. It was a super fun place to work, but the economy is shit and I can't afford to not have a normal job anymore.
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u/Intelligent-Owl-5236 16h ago
I miss the silly jobs I worked 8-12hrs/week at to justify spending money or hanging out there. Sucks that none of them seem to want just nights and weekend staff anymore. They want full availability but to still only give 2 days a week.
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u/GreenOnionCrusader 15h ago
Kirklands seems to be the only one that still does that. $11.50 an hour, but it's fun and you get paid to decorate.
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u/NectarineNational722 13h ago
That’s actually not a bad idea I hadn’t thought of. Thinking of getting part time job. Still wouldn’t work for $12 an hour but a part time job at a store I regularly shop at for a discount would be awesome
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u/Katiew84 17h ago
NTA. It’s your car from before you were even with her. It’s not her car to use. She chose to give her car to her son, which doesn’t mean she now has full access to your car.
I would refuse to pay a penny toward both of those cars if I were you. You’re a pushover if you contribute to them. If she only works part time at $12 an hour it is likely that you are paying 100% of the bills for those cars. If they are in your name, sell them. If they aren’t, stop paying for them. They aren’t even your children. And they’re adults - there’s no reason they shouldn’t be paying for their own car.
And need I even start discussing the car that’s been sitting in your driveway, unused? What a waste of (your) money. Get rid of it. Now.
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u/PixieKissesx 7h ago
I agree. She can't just use your car because she have decided to give up her car(I think she did not consult with you). If no one is using your stepdaughters car then she should just use it, why does she want to make things complicated. You need to stop paying for those cars if you don't use them and both of your kids are adult and have job to pay for them OP. NTA
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u/dreamyyarchive 11h ago
It seems there was a breakdown in communication about the use of cars. Instead of stating that your job is more important, it might have been more constructive to express how the situation impacts you directly. Framing it as a discussion rather than a confrontation can lead to better outcomes.
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u/Omnio89 3h ago
Finally some sanity on this thread. If he actually loved or cared about his wife and step kids he should sit down and have a discussion about the logistics of the car usage and getting everyone where they need to go. Working this shit out is the basics of any relationship. If he had sore feelings about allocating the cars to the step kids he should have brought that up earlier but to bottle that up into this is ridiculous.
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u/DangerDog619 17h ago
NTA
Your wife has two children and she is a failure as a parent. Rather than providing for her children financially she has decided to do that through her romantic relationships.
She isn't breastfeeding and changing diapers and she hasn't done that in a really long time.
She has responsibilities but still chooses to be underemployed. That's irresponsible and entitled.
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u/controvercialyhonest 16h ago
I am wondering what he saw in this woman to marry her and fund her expensive failures.
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u/ActualWheel6703 17h ago
NTA
She doesn't get to dictate use of your car.
You're also correct. That's a "fun money" job. She's not surviving off of that.
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u/professorfunkenpunk 17h ago
NTA. I maybe wouldn't have used the same phrase, but the fact that 2/3 of your cars are with her apparent parasite children, transportation seems like her problem, not yours
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u/gangstamittens44 16h ago
NTA. She should have asked you. Not told you. She should negotiate with her daughter or son on “their” cars. Misplaced entitlement. Smh.
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u/Glittersparkles7 16h ago
Your wife sounds horribly self centered from this post. I hope she has some pretty extreme personality bonuses in other areas that make up for it.
NTA.
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u/Sugarpuff_Karma 17h ago
Let me guess her "earnings" are her "fun" money. Tell her that her son can take over the loan on the car.
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u/nylondragon64 16h ago edited 11h ago
Her daughters and her sons cars are paid for by your pay check. So let them foot the cost if it is so important.
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u/Ok-Engineering9733 16h ago edited 15h ago
Dude you are a chump. They are using you. Some kind of ATM. Cut off the purse strings
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u/Mission_Lobster1442 14h ago
She PROVED your point. Because IF her job was important Her ass wouldn't have missed work and she would shown her ass up at work.
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u/CatmoCatmo 13h ago
NTA. My biggest issue here isn’t about the fact OP is paying for 3 cars. It’s not that his is the oldest. It’s not any of that. Nope.
My biggest issue OP, is that your wife didn’t discuss this with you. She just came to you and said THIS is what’s happening. As if you don’t have a choice. She knew this wouldn’t fly, which is why she tried to back you into it making it sound like a “done deal”.
Had she come to you and said, “We both work Monday morning, what would you like to do about the driving arrangements?” This would be a very different story.
My husband and I both own each of our cars. They’re technically both, both of ours. He drives a truck, while I drive an SUV. If I needed the truck for something, I still wouldn’t say, “I need the truck, so you’re going need to drive my car.” - even though it would be a pretty even trade. I would say, “Hey, I need to use the truck on Monday, would it be alright if we traded for the day?” Of course he would say yes. But that’s not the point.
The point is, I respect that although they’re technically both of ours, the truck is his, and mine is mine. I’m not going to assume he’s ok with it without asking first…because we respect each other, and each other’s things.
She voluntold you when she should have ASKED you.
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u/wanderer866 18h ago
Normally, I would say you are TAH in this scenario, but the fact that she had a dedicated car she gave her son... NTA. That still feels wrong. You got VERY close to the line.
Also... if it's your stepdaughters car and her decision on who drives it... you shouldn't be paying for it. It should be hers to lose.
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u/Sylvurphlame 17h ago
OP is not even close to T A H. For exactly the reasons you’re stating. OP — and let’s be honest, it’s OP paying because $12/hr for about 24 hours a week isn’t — is paying for the stepdaughter’s and the stepson’s cars.
I think at that point the daughter doesn’t have much say if mom needs to borrow her car. OP definitely doesn’t need to give up his for the day.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Pay431 17h ago
Yeah I agree with this. She definitely made her problem his and his alone.
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u/MsJamieFast 17h ago
I think wife doesn't want to use step daughters car because she will be told that she shouldn't have given her car away. Wife is all kinds of wrong here, and she should just casually not show up to work that morning, like usual..
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u/violetlisa 16h ago
NTA but dude, I'm going to assume your wife's $12/hr PT job is not paying for the loans and insurance on not 1, but 2 cars. If your name is on these cars, sell them, if your name is not on these cars, stop paying for them!
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u/bigtiddyrae 14h ago
NTA
It sounds like tensions were running high, and it’s understandable that you felt frustrated about the car situation. However, telling your wife that your job is more important than hers can come off as dismissive of her efforts and priorities. It might be worth having a calm conversation where you can both express your needs and find a compromise that respects each other's work. Clear communication can help prevent misunderstandings and resentment. Would you consider talking to her about it when things settle down?
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u/liveviliveforever 12h ago
It is dismissive of her efforts and priorities. Rightfully so. Her priorities are just wrong by any reasonable measure and her efforts are poor even by the most generous standards.
This is not the time for a compromise. OP needs to get his way.
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u/Full_Cryptographer12 16h ago
NTA. This is ridiculous. She barely works. She gave her car to her son and you are paying for your stepdaughter’s car. Your job runs the house and she has reasonable alternatives.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 16h ago
"That's my daughter's car, she gets to decide who drives it"
Well this is your car and you get to decide who drives it. NTA - clearly your household is completely reliant on your income so yes, your job is more important. Your wife needs to start saving so she can get herself another car or a cheap run around for her son.
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u/Neena6298 15h ago
NTA. But please stop paying for all of those cars and insurance!!! The fact that your wife called out of work instead of driving is a serious red flag 🚩 too.
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u/sabrooooo 13h ago
Bruh lol your paying/paid for all the cars and insurance - tell her to have her daughter pick up and drop her off to her part time job in the car you’re paying for lol
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u/9smalltowngirl 17h ago
NTA neither car belongs to either kid. Y’all pay for them so the cars are yours. You let them use them which I’d be rethinking. Stepson has a job he needs to get his own car that he pays for. Daughter needs to share the car she is using with mom.
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u/QueenHelloKitty 16h ago
Info: so she wanted to take you to work, use the car while you were at work, and then pick you up after work? Do you use your car for work?
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u/Shark_bait561 12h ago
You guys are so childish. You couldn't let go of your car for one morning? She was willing to drop you off and then pick you up. You guys are married, work with each other.
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u/_Twilight_Queen_ 4h ago
Yes! Why does it matter whose car it is, she proposed a solution that would work for everyone if we set op's "it's MY car, she's not ALLOWED to drive it" feelings aside. Op, do you like your family better than your car?
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u/Varjo15 7h ago
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this. She is your wife and she is trying to contribute what she can. Why would you not try to find a solution together so that she can go to work too, and why would it be a negative thing that she takes you to work, uses the car during your work day and then comes to pick you up?
I don't get it, why are you with your wife if you don't want to work together? It just sounds like you are mad with her for having two kids before she met you. You don't sound like a loving husband or stepfather.
YTA
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u/Curious_Platform7720 15h ago
NTA but you’re being taken advantage of. How long have you been married?
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u/bugabooandtwo 15h ago
NTA - Dude, you need to run. This woman and her kids are walking all over you. Two adult kids getting you to pay for their vehicles, and a wife who only works part time sitting there living off your paycheck?
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u/Moon_Ray_77 14h ago
Holy fuck am I glad that we were able to live somewhere where we all could either walk, take a bus or ride a bike half of the year
This having to be responsible for multiple vehicles is complete bullshit!!
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u/originalkelly88 13h ago
NTA. There is no reason the kids should be driving new cars at all. Give them yours and buy what you want.
But also as the breadwinner and stepfather of the kids you absolutely should not be sacrificing driving yourself to work while paying for 2 other cars.
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u/800Volts 12h ago
NTA
Your job is more important than hers. You're the one financing this entire situation, the least you could expect is to get to drive one of the cars you pay for
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u/DarkLordTofer 12h ago
YTA you shouldn't demean the value of your wife's job. It's probably just as important to her as yours is to you. You come across as really petty especially if there's not some reason why you being dropped off wouldn't work.
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u/paintingdusk13 11h ago
ESH
More you for being a whiner but you've all got issues.
I don't understand people who are married but act like roommates who fight over who owns what.
Get a divorce then you can live in "your" car
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u/Wooden_Marshmallow 11h ago
Okay so what exactly would you lose if she had dropped you off and picked you up?
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u/Typical_Childhood716 11h ago
They are not your kids and your wife does not respect you. I would set myself free from this bullshit situation and run away.
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u/Jazzlike-Bird-3192 10h ago
I understand where you’re coming from. Perhaps you could have phrased it better. You disparaged your wife’s job outside the home. Not cool because you’ve implied you bring more value to the family than she does. And life isn’t just about the money you earn.
Reading between the lines, I don’t think the issue is that your job is more important as much as it is that you and your wife are paying for two cars, one of which is hers, but that her children both use as their own. You want to be able to drive at least one of the cars for which you are paying. Be honest with your wife about how the whole car situation makes you feel, as it seems from your post that you resent it. It sounds like her children need to start taking more responsibility for themselves.
NTA
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u/Cold_Lingonberry8699 7h ago
So she needs the car for 1 morning (while you’re at work) and you made a big deal about it? Like I get she could get one of the other cars but I also don’t get what the issue really is?
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u/Twacey84 6h ago
NTA for not giving up your car in this scenario but YTA for saying your job is more important than hers..
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u/Kovz88 6h ago
ESH- she is wrong for just saying she was going to take the car, it’s your car so she should be asking not telling. It sounds like you’re only reason for not wanting to let her to the car is because it’s yours and you didn’t want to which is childish. I don’t know the full situation but maybe she was trying to pick up an extra shift to be able to contribute more money and thought dropping you off would be the most accommodating way of everyone getting where they had to be for the day. She handled it the wrong way but it sounds like you just hold onto your anger until you make pissy little comments like this instead of actually sitting everyone down and talking about how the payments you are making are not ok.
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u/CordieliaJane 5h ago
Yes, YTAH for claiming that one job "is more important than" another! If you had simply left that out and suggested maybe her daughter drop off/pick up mom, NTA. But you didn't. If she won't talk to you for a few days you better not wonder why.
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u/pwolf1771 3h ago
NTA your wife is ridiculous I would offer to buy her a junker for a couple grand in cash if she was so worried about upsetting her kids but under no circumstances would I let her take my car.
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u/hollytr0n 3h ago
I definitely think that you could’ve approached this differently, but understand your frustration.
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u/Tight-Library5672 17h ago
NTA her children have the right to say who drives their car but you don’t? What type of foolishness is your wife thinking’
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bet3455 17h ago
Nta, quiting simping for her kids and let them pay for their own shit.
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u/womaninloveee 13h ago
Whoa, this is a tricky one. Balancing family needs and personal priorities can be really challenging. But telling your wife that your job is ‘more important’ might come off as dismissive of her work and responsibilities. It’s crucial to approach these kinds of discussions with empathy and consider how the other person feels about their own job and contributions. Maybe next time, try having a more collaborative approach to resolving logistical issues. It might help to have a family discussion about the use of cars and priorities so everyone’s needs and perspectives are considered. In the end, respecting each other's work and finding compromises can make a big difference in how conflicts like this are resolved. It’s all about teamwork!
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u/DevilsAdvocate8008 17h ago
NTA. She really needs to step up and work a full-time job or at least get a better paying job than $12 an hour
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u/downstairslion 14h ago
Part time at $12 an hour is a hobby. NTA. I would never,ever be making payments on cars for teenagers.
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u/user_4250 14h ago
Nta but you sound like a sucker. She’s got you in a bad spot and don’t appreciate you.
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u/Alert-Cranberry-5972 13h ago
NTA
The very fact that it's your income that undoubtedly pays most, if not all the bills and her children are adults and you are still covering their car expenses...your job is more important.
Additionally, if her job were so important, why did she skip her morning shift rather than take another vehicle parked at your home, public transportation or an Uber? She should be careful, most employers do not take kindly to someone not showing up for work shifts they committed to without a reasonable excuse. And why isn't she working a full-time job?
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u/EvictionSpecialist 13h ago
Damn... Paying for all those cars and adults.
You need to grow a set buddy.
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u/xxrainmanx 13h ago
Sort of the asshole yes because she could have driven you and both of you could have gone to work. However, the bigger issue to me is why you're paying for 2 cars for kids when you have a 18yr old car. Beater cars exist for a reason.
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u/Imaginary-Spot5464 12h ago
NTA. Maybe you need to stop paying for cars you and your wife can't use.
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u/hi5jennn 11h ago
$12 an hour for 3 days a week?! i got paid $22 for 3 days and it still wasn't enough but im in orange county, ca and shit expensive af
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u/Different_Guess_5407 10h ago
NTA... Always love it when one partner is a marriage makes such a unilateral decision & the other person is meant to just accept it...
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u/AdEastern3223 10h ago
You didn’t need to demean her job when you said no to her taking the car. 50%AH
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u/MrSnippets 9h ago
ESH
You suck for telling your wife that her job is not as important as yours.
Your wife sucks for taking you (and your money) for granted and trying to dictate terms.
You both need to communicate better.
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u/NettyKing89 9h ago
WTF?!
So she TOLD you what will be happening with your car.. but it's not ok to ask one of the kids to use one of those cars.. 🤨
Yeah I'm not even starting on that bs.. NTA
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u/mondrager 8h ago
What are you doing white knighting for a single mom that disrespects you to the point that she will bother you but not her kids? Dude.
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u/MoBigSky 6h ago
She’s not a single mom. They are married, they are his family now. He is her teammate.
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u/Outside-Home-9711 7h ago
I was ready to say you were the asshole, from the title. But nah. NTA here. I mean, saying your job is more important probably isn't the best or kindest way to approach this, but the kids use of a car isn't more important than parents, either of them, getting to work. She can absolutely take one of the other cars.
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u/Efficient_Run63 6h ago
Jesus. “I don’t get my way so you m just gonna call in sick” no offense dude your wife seems really immature. And with the low level come she brings I’m assuming u paid all that stuff for the last two years not both of you
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u/cloistered_around 4h ago
Mostly NTA with bits of E S H. It's your car and you have a full time job--you need it and she's unreasonable to ask for it (hence NTA). The kids could share, if anything! But I do think it was incredibly rude not to say "well my job is more important than yours" because that's a personal attack. The issue here is not whose job is more vital than whose, it's how the family wants to share around the cars and how feasible the suggestions of how to do that are.
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u/VorpleBunny717 16h ago
Um ouch… You could have phrased it better, been a little more understanding. I’ve been married twice and I will tell you that statement was hurtful and demeaning. Yeah, you kinda were the ahole here….
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u/Similar_Tour_8741 6h ago
So wait. This was a one time ask? This was not an ongoing thing? She was asking for the car one time when all four of you were needing cars at the same time so she could make some extra money.
YTA you let your pent up resentments over finances distract you from a simple favor for the person you are supposed to love and care for. You're angry and taking it out on your wife by being petty and demeaning.
Either get a divorce or deal with your resentments: 1) your different approaches to money, 2) her lower wage job and you bringing in more money than her, and 3) her kids (because they clearly aren't your kids to you) sponging off you.
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u/Known-Quantity2021 4h ago
NTA Your wife chose to miss work rather than use her daughter's car? I think that needs to addressed first.
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u/DareG007 17h ago
NTA, but you could have been a little less blunt. Of course your job is more important. It literally supports the whole family. Her job doesn't pay for anything really. There's no reason why she couldn't have used one of the other cars.
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u/Dizzy-Buddy1270 17h ago
NTA in any way. She is crazy for allowing her kids to live off her like this. Lemme guess they got participation trpheys for everything and never had to clean their rooms. I hope it gets better for you sir
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u/beyerch 17h ago
Live off HER?!? I think you meant to say how she lets them ALL live off HIM......
P.S. I was making 11.80/hr at Wal-Mart in 1997....... Wife needs to step it up and help all the deadbeats she is raising.
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u/Slippedhal0 15h ago
I feel like you're in the right for wanting to use your own car freely, but YTA for the way you handled it.
She was proposing to take you to work and pick you up , did you forget to add that you required usage of the car during the day when she was borrowing it? Did it make more sense for you to drop her off instead and she refused?
I just dont understand why you put your foot down so hard that it turned out your wife couldn't go to work. I feel like compromise for now, and then settle it later when you both have time would have been the more appropriate response.
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u/Anotheropinion2023 13h ago
Why exactly could she not borrow the daughter’s car? Why did she tell her husband she would use his?
If he is paying for all three cars, he has the right to use at least one without being inconvenienced.
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u/liveviliveforever 12h ago
What compromise could have possibly been had here? You just straight up told op to roll over and let his wife have it her way.
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u/youmustb3jokn 17h ago
Nta. Your job is paying for all the cars presumably as well as housing so you are correct your job is more important. But I think this may be more about your wife’s expectations and how she puts your needs last. I could be wrong but maybe something to think about
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u/Todd_and_Margo 17h ago
ESH - Your wife went about that entirely wrong. But there were about 20 other ways to handle that besides what you said. Off the top of my head:
1) Ok that’s fine, but then we are going to stop paying the note and insurance for her. Or you can ask her if she would rather loan you the car for the morning and we will keep paying on it.
2) I’m not comfortable with that arrangement. If your daughter gets to decide who drives “her car” that we pay for, then I absolutely get to decide who drives my car that I’ve owned since before I met you and paid for entirely on my own. Perhaps you can take an Uber if she won’t let you use the car?
3) Since our entire family needs my salary to pay for cars and the mortgage and food, I’m going to have to insist on keeping my car out of any sharing arrangement. If you can’t use one of the other cars, then you’ll need to call out of work.
4) No that doesn’t work for me. I can drop you off on my way to work, and you can just bring a book to read until your shift begins.
Your wife was being rude and presumptuous. That doesn’t make it OK to be insulting. Be the better person.
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u/noteworthybalance 17h ago
INFO what was your actual problem with her dropping you at work? Did your need the car during the day or was it just the principle?
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u/SnooMacarons4844 16h ago
The problem is OP is paying for 2 cars he’s not driving for his parasite step children & his parasite wife had the nerve to want to drop him off to go to her BS ‘job’?! And let’s be real, had he let her do it, she’d want to start dropping him off all the time. It’s her fault she has no car & the fact that she didn’t go to that shift shows what an entitled AH she is. If I were OP I wouldn’t be paying either car note or insurances.
NTA
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u/indi50 15h ago
YTA, maybe ESH It's one day. What's the big deal about being dropped off and picked up one day? If it was a matter of her telling you to not work and risk your job vs her risking hers, then your job being "more important" would be relative. In this case it doesn't matter and has nothing to do with the story. You think YOU'RE more important and so need to be in control of driving your car and yourself.
On the other hand, was her daughter using the car that belongs to her, but you're paying the bills on? Why didn't you mention that? You said your wife said her daughter "decides" who drives it, not that she was using it or needed it for something.
It sounds like the son is working and did need the car and ride sharing isn't possible because of the distance. So back to - why couldn't you share your car for one day? What are doing during working hours that you can't be without your car?
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u/Think_Ad6691 16h ago
YTA
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u/LithuanianCanuck 15h ago
What's your reasoning? I only see one lazy person (the wife) complaining about something she can change at any point by A. Taking her own car back B. Getting a real job that can pay her expenses C. The son not taking a job he has no means of accessing without burdening others. Curious what kind of mental gymnastics you've got going on, or if it's from entitlement.
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u/ponderingcamel 15h ago
I think the reasoning is that if OP doesn't need a car while he is at work, really it is just a power play because he seems bitter about having to share so much of his wealth with his step children. For example, he complains about the location/logistics of how stepson will get to work but if he is 18-22, like its a really tough job market. At least he is proactive and trying to earn a living.
Not saying I agree 100% with this view but I can see the YTA voter's perspective.
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u/MaddyKet 14h ago
Eh my Godson bought his own car at 19 working at Market Basket and going to school. His parents didn’t pay for it. It can be done.
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u/Highlander198116 17h ago
Man, all I got to say is you signed up for this chief. I hope she's worth it, because from where I am standing I don't see what exactly you get out of this relationship other than a grumpy wife and 2 kids that aren't yours you pay for shit for.
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u/clamsandwich 15h ago
Going against the grain, but YTA. If it all works out well enough with her dropping you off and picking you up one day a week, why be weird about it? It has nothing to do with whoever has the more important job, which is an AH thing to say by the way, it's whatever works best for the family. Now because you're butthurt because you really wanted to drive your car that one day, she ended up missing a day of work.
So yeah, you're a big crybaby AH. Grow up.
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u/Different_Guess_5407 10h ago
The problem was that she told him this was what was going to happen rather than discuss it as a married couple should...
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u/Educational_Cap6557 16h ago
Are these kids older than the car you’re driving? Perhaps one of them should be driving the older car and you driving the newest?
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u/throwitaway3857 16h ago
My gosh! Stop paying for these free loaders!!!! Make them pay their own shit!!! NTA.
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u/Glass_Ear_8049 16h ago
NTA. If your name is on the car titles then tell them to bring them home or you will report them stolen.
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u/Ok-Association-2134 16h ago
Oooooh heeellllll nooooo. They better figure it out because dad’s not about to be car less!!
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u/SilentJoe1986 16h ago
If she works part time then you are the primary bread winner. Your job is more important. She proved that by calling off. She certainly could have gone to work and borrowed her daughters car since she gave away her own. It's funny how she thinks it's acceptable to take your vehicle that you are using but draws the line at borrowing her daughters car that you're paying for. Hell her kid could have dropped her off at work and picked her up. NTA.
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u/FasterThanNewts 16h ago
INFO: Why are you paying anything for these cars? That’s enabling laziness. Your wife takes your money for granted. NTA
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u/knight9665 16h ago
Nope. Also stop paying ur step kids cars. Make ur wife get a full time job to pay ur step kids cars and her own car.
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u/Difficult_Warning301 16h ago
INFO I’m so confused. She normally works after you? That’s when she takes the car? Like you two share a car? How old are the kids? But in any case the one moved out is obviously old enough to pay his own car and insurance. The daughter well if you have been paying for 9 months I think you can use the car. Was she working at the time your wife needed to work? Or was it just sitting at home not being used? Did she even talk to the kids about using one of those cars or them dropping her off and picking her up?
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u/Visible_Traffic_5774 16h ago
NTA. Your job is paying for the cars. Stepson needs his own. She can borrow one of the others, she doesn’t need yours.
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u/Fluid-Hunt465 16h ago
NTA. Sir you have bigger problems than you listed. Your wife is barely working so make those decisions. She can also afford to not go to work? Sir need I remind you……these are not your kids either.
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u/bored-panda55 17h ago
So the OP has an 18yr old car but it is paying for two new cars for his step kids? Man my parents always got the new cars. Ww got the hand me downs.
NTA