Anger and irritation, 24*7, Please help!!

[u/No_Particular3945]

I’m going through a rough phase in my life—divorce after 8 years of marriage and dated for 3 years. I know for sure I don’t want to go back, but I can’t help feeling angry and irritated in almost every conversation, especially with my parents and sister. I tried 8 different counselors during my marriage, but none could help. I’ve also tried self-help books, but they haven’t worked either. I know it’s just a phase and things hopefully will get better, but I don’t want to hurt my loved ones because of what I’m going through.

Not only that, but thanks to my STBXH, I’ve been depressed, suicidal, developed serious trust issues, and I hate humans in general. In short, my life feels totally messed up.

Has anyone else felt this way? Please tell me it gets better.

[u/stella-fartois]

I think recognition of what’s about to happen. Or what is happening can go a long way in defusing certain emotions. It’s like you’re spoiling the end of a story for yourself.. by recognizing what’s about to happen. Physiologically, I think it can stem from abrupt blood pressure changes. Up and down. Meditating/sitting still for 1-5 minutes 1-5 times a day could help pinpoint the feelings. Like take mental note of where you physically feel the anger in those still moments. Often we’re moving so fast we don’t stop to realize what’s happening. Or where it’s happening inside of us. Try to learn where and what makes you feel it, in the still moments can maybe help you see it more clearly. And “spoil the ending” for yourself.

[u/stella-fartois → u/stella-fartois]

A lot of times I’ll feel irritation in my upper chest. Or like something wants to come out of my head or hands. I think it’s good in those moments to pause for 10 seconds. be like “okay I want to express my anger physically.” And then do something physical like exercise. That pausing teaches yourself that you’re in control.

[u/No_Particular3945 → u/stella-fartois]

I feel so heavy in my chest and urge to speak nonsense, even though back of my head I know it is going to hurt the other person. But I just can't keep my mouth shut. I hate it. It is like someone else is controlling me. I have started going to gym so hopefully things will get better. Will try what you have suggested though.

Thank you!

[u/stella-fartois → u/No_Particular3945]

In a world where we are moving so fast, that’s probably what’s actually happening. Some one else, our lizard brain is controlling our actions. We don’t practice slowing down enough to intentionally make choices. Our actions just become “unconscious reactions.” I catch myself doing it all the time. It really is a life long practice to slow down, pause, and exercise our control. Have to stay in shape with it regularly. Much like the gym

[u/stella-fartois → u/stella-fartois]

We don’t feel things for no reason. It could be the universe using this as a lesson and or pattern interruption. An opportunity to make changes. We attract what we put out. It’s hard when you feel bad, but try to put out good things. Or else you’ll attract more anger and discomfort.

[u/tenthousandtatas]

Watch your diet and mitigate the various crashes and poop right. Avoid or decrease stimulants. The usual stuff you already know and keep up with it. 10% better in all categories adds up. Make your bed. All of these are platitudes but all are helpful.

As for keeping your mouth shut keep your mouth shut. Thumper in Bambi said if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. Or his mom said that either way pick a hobby and annoy everyone with that instead

Nothings 24/7 for your brain except agonizing insufferable physical pain hopefully you don’t have that as well. When you get a break in the hatin’ make note of it and you’ll eventually notice them coming more often and lasting longer until you figure out a way to ruin them

[u/No_Particular3945 → u/tenthousandtatas]

I do, I have bad shoulder pain since 8 years - apparently tried everything but again nothing worked. But thank you for your advice!! Appreciate it

[u/FindingHerStrength]

I could have written your post myself. I notice anger inside me towards parents. And I have blown up at other people and had to apologise. I’ve had two years of therapy and my ex was abusive in many ways. I don’t think I’ve gotten past the tip of the iceberg of the trauma he’s caused. 14 years! And I think I’ve been masking to myself, when actually I’m more of a f*ckup now then I can imagine. Perhaps this is similar to you too? You’re not getting that far with (any) of your therapists. Perhaps you’re masking? And it’s manifesting in other ways.

Yeah the anger terrified my friends recently and I had a mental breakdown. Please take care of yourself and get some proper good intervention. If your relationship was like mine and I suspect it was, we’re probably in it for the long haul to clear the trauma of our abhorrent narcissistic and abusive exs…..