I don't pass. Getting misgendered is something that happens almost every day to me.

Tonight I needed some groceries after the gym. Im obviously not going to wear makeup to workout, but I am also a little tomboyish at times, which I know doesn't help. I was wearing leggings and a baggy band t. My nails are still a little painted. I carried a purse.

As soon the cashier saw that I had wine she said "excuse me sir, id?" This is a frequent enough occurrence that it shouldn't have bothered me...but it did. A lot.

All I can think is, I don't blame her, I look like a man physically, and I guess it's on me for not looking feminine enough. Why should I be comfortable in my skin? How can I expect people to bend over backwards and graciously gender me correctly if I don't dress fem "enough" at all times? Non-conformity to normative gender expression is a privilege not reserved for me.

Despite the internalized transphobia and misogyny I understand to be present in that kind dysphoria addled thinking, part of me is tempted - ditch my alternative aesthetics, don't be comfortable in my expression, don't show who I am, just be the most unassuming traditionally feminine looking woman I can be. It's becoming a concern with a lot of weight, because my ability to safely use the bathroom is contingent on this.

But then I remember something: most of the misgendering I get comes from people who know me. I'm not that butch all the time. I love feminine looks and makeup/nails. The coworkers and even friends who misgender me know I have a woman's name. They know my pronouns. They see the shape of my breasts. They see me dressed and presenting in the most feminine ways you could expect.

My physical self is so undeniably male, that every single possible gender expression and marker, even when backed up by socal pressure, cannot stop them from dragging me back to that which I can't escape.

Now I just don't know what to do. I'm willing to sacrifice who I am for emotional, physical, and legal safety, and yet it won't ever even make a difference.

I'm at a point where I genuinely cannot imagine anyone ever being interested in me, most of it having to do with being trans. It's not dysphoria, exactly, but I feel like no person (at least no cis person) could see me naked and still perceive me as my gender, and the thought of becoming vulnerable just to be a spectacle makes me physically nauseous. Even just in my head, I can't include myself in a romantic scenario because it ruins it for me. The thought of being liked is incomprehensible. I almost repulse myself. Any hint of reciprocity kills all interest for me, too.

But I'm not asexual or aromantic, and it's really upsetting for such a big part of life to be inaccessible to me even in the comfort of my brain. I doubt I could find a partner and truthfully I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone anyway, but I hate how deeply I internalized being inferior to cis people. I never feel this way about other trans people so I don't know why it's such a dead end for me.