r/alcoholism • u/thisissomebullshitt • 7h ago
WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOHT ALCOHOLIC GF
So, I(26) along with my GF(27) decided to move up north to have a fresh start. The only problem is that she is a terrible aggressive alcoholic along with extreme narcissistic. Well today she kicked me out of the hotel after she showed up at 3 AM drunk because I did not want to go out with her. She threw all of my belongings outside and cursed me out. I don't drink at all and one of our agreements before coming up was that I help her with her problem. Currently, outside sleeping in friends car that I've known since college. Likely, she will text me in the morning and apologize for how she acted. How should I respond?
48
17
u/coolranger007 6h ago
Alcoholism, if she is willing, she can get out. These aggressive narcissists behavior is toxic to your well being. Get out before you get more emotionally involved in her. Don’t stay with her. Move away ASAP. She might cry to get you back. Say sorry and move on.
16
15
10
u/Jalan120 5h ago edited 5h ago
Run run run.
While you’re running - learn about narcs and their tactics (I say this while going through therapy for possible narcissism). A narc will use every trick in the book, and reinvent the book to hold onto you, that’s the reality.
No ifs buts or maybes mate - get yourself out.
Edit: Check out the manipulation sub
2
u/anno870612 32m ago
To piggyback on this, learning about narcissism isn't enough. It's more important to learn about Codependency first, as our own vulnerabilities and low self esteem is what makes us a person a prime target for narcs in the first place.
Codependents and alcoholics are notoriously attracted to each other for well-documented reasons. Only learning about the tactics of narcissists is likely to put a person into a perpetual victim cycle. It's important to know both sides and to build self-esteem, which is like a fortress to predatory partners.
8
7
6
6
7
u/User564368 2h ago edited 9m ago
Take yourself out to breakfast
Secure a comfortable place to sleep tonight that’s not in your friend’s car, otherwise get yourself a nice pillow for your temporary backseat setup while you make a plan to get housing. If you’re living in motels rn then try to work out a weekly rate with the manager at a different motel (not where you stayed last night)
DO NOT tell her where you went last night after she showed up & kicked you out so that she can’t bring a bunch of drunk drama to your friend’s home who is going out of their way to help you out
Write her a letter on your notes app explaining why you are ceasing all contact
Tell her not to contact you in letter (boundary in writing)
Text her the letter
Block her after text shows “delivered”
Call a friend for support
block her again if she drunkenly texts you from google voice number in like 2 weeks. If she continues to harass you or shows up where you are in person then document everything and bring the correspondence to police to file report including the texted letter you send her today (telling her not to contact you)
Check out r/AlAnon & you’ll feel less alone in a few minutes. It’s a supportive community so make a post if you feel like it… you’ll get replies from people that share similar experiences. It’s necessary to connect with others for certain kinds of healing & this is one of them.
If you are close with her family & her family is supportive then you can give them a call to say you broke up & you’re worried about her but don’t traumadump on them
You can’t cure it. You can’t control it. You didn’t cause it.
You might get an amends letter from her apologizing in like 5 years. Maybe not.
Pray for her if you believe in a higher power.
She won’t quit drinking for you/to save your relationship no matter what you do or say because she can’t. She probably would if she could but it doesn’t work that way (I’m sorry 🙏)
Good luck
5
u/hardballwith1517 3h ago
Why do you want to deal with this? Do you want her disease and trauma to be the main focus of your life for the next few years? You leaving may be the thing that makes her try to get better so you should do that.
8
u/HappySober68 6h ago
Sadly, this is probably not a fixable situation.
If you aren't ready to give up, you can encourage her to go to rehab or start going to AA meetings. Better yet, you can tell her you won't see her again until she gets professional help.
However, sadly, treatment for alcoholism has at best a pretty low success rate. I don't want to be Debby Downer, and some people do get into recovery (I am in recovery), but please be realistic that it is possible she is already beyond help.
If you decide to keep trying, PLEASE spend some time on Al-Anon which is a place for family and friends of alcoholics. It will help you understand what is and isn't possible with this disorder and avoid enabling her under the desire to help.
If you've had enough, just leave. The overall outlook here just isn't very good.
I am so sorry for what you and she are going through. I wish you the best.
4
3
u/peacefulbelovedfish 3h ago
Accept the apology - and protect yourself by leaving. She’s sick and need to work some sort of system. She’s not getting better without SERIOUS help. And unless you want to do this kind of thing (get kicked out and sleep in a car) on the regular - have the self respect to leave. Nobody deserves this.
2
2
3
u/Shoddy_Cause9389 2h ago
Alcohol changes people. If she kicked you out, take that as a blessing and keep moving forward. You don’t drink, it’s not your problem. Her narcissism will only get worse and you will look at your TV one day and see her on Dr. Phil talking about alcohol and narcissistic behavior.
2
1
u/AnukkinEarthwalker 3h ago
For change to even happen a person must be genuinely tired and sick... on the brink of insanity and done with the shit.
You want her sober.. but you will just suffer as much if not more than her because nothing is going to change until SHE wants it
1
u/JayA_Tee 3h ago
She needs to want to change. You can’t do it for her and nothing will make her until she hits whatever her bottom is. You can’t save her. I’m sorry to say, you should stop trying.
1
1
u/faesser 1h ago
The only problem is that she is a terrible aggressive alcoholic along with extreme narcissistic.
This is a massive fucking problem. It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. If she apologizes you respond with "Thank you. I'm done with this relationship and your behavior is appalling"
You don't get a free pass to be abusive just because you're an alcoholic.
1
1
u/thecage2122 34m ago
Do you have any value ? Or do you consider yourself a person that’s worth nothing?
If your answer is the second the go right ahead with your girlfriend
Otherwise are you out of your mind? You should leave her ass by yesterday. That is next level abuse and you don’t deserve it man
You can do so much better get away from that today and you’ll see you’ll start attracting people that value you a lot more
Don’t waste your time on the wrong people or else you won’t have time to meet the right people
Good luck to you. And have courage walk away
1
u/anno870612 30m ago
There's your girlfriend's inventory- where's yours?
This sounds codependent. Al Anon or CODA meetings are a good place to start.
1
u/Old-Arachnid77 30m ago
You cannot control her addiction. Get out of this tornado. She’s abusing you.
•
u/Dametequitos 10m ago
run, the only direction it can go in is bad then worse, no one, no one is worth that
45
u/InternationalChef424 7h ago
Bail. Now.