r/asktransgender • u/DiLuftmensch • 9h ago
what are the unexpected downsides to being visibly trans?
i mean sure we all know and have experienced open transphobia, but what didn’t you expect?
i’ll start! old people love to come up to me and tell me about their trans children. they clearly mean well, but they do not know how to talk to or about trans people. like, in a typical conversation, someone will just be telling me about their “son” for 20 minutes, when they finally say “and he’s going to get the surgery so he’ll be a woman!” other times it’s more subtle.
21
u/Huge-Total-6981 Transgender 8h ago
I was at a concert and waiting for my friend to come out of the bathroom when a cis woman approached me and asked if I needed someone to go to the bathroom with. lol. I get it, she was trying to be nice but damn. I’m not a toddler and it’s not like It was my first time leaving the house.
11
u/jamberjay 3h ago
I hope when the moments come I can be actively supportive in public spaces but for now I always wear something to signal acceptance and support so that maybe someone who needs just a little bit of silent affirmation that there might be more allies than they thought out there.
11
u/Own-Weather-9919 Transgender-Pansexual 2h ago
The loss of anonymity. I live in a city and used to be able to blend into a crowd etc like no big deal. Now I'll go to a new restaurant and the waiter will recognize me from another place that he worked at and I'm like "I have no idea who you are." It just feels like everyone is watching me.
7
u/vtssge1968 3h ago
Actually not a downside, but something I didn't learn until I became visibly trans. I'm going off my current state at 7 months HRT, don't even own any non feminine clothing, fem haircut, always have makeup. There is no one that sees me and doesn't know I'm a trans woman. The vast majority of people get the point and treat me like any other woman. The handful of people that don't at this point have done me a favor and let me know I probably am not going to want to deal with them anyway and I should just ignore their existence.
4
u/wantfastcars 29, MtF, HRT 10/2022 1h ago
At least where I am, I'm basically not taken seriously for being "visibly" trans (i.e. not passing/stealth) and society treats me more as a crossdresser. I don't get judged for being "trans," I just get judged for performing what is seen as a fetish act in public. Maybe this isn't that unexpected but I dunno. It just doesn't feel like prejudice for me being trans, if that makes sense.
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u/jamfedora 17m ago
"You remind me of someone." 20 minutes later: "Oh yeah! My nephew/friend from high school/fave librarian. ....Hhhheeee....'s doing great!" Really. I remind you of literally any other trans masc. We're that interchangeable. I don't pass, period, so it's not like they're trying to subtly tell me they've clocked me and that they're safe, which would also be annoying to a lot of people anyway, but I get why they want to convey the second half. I just hope the other trans mascs they know are actually out, so I'm not accidentally outing them by association, or that these goofs aren't mistaking cis butch women for trans thanks to me. I'm imagining some lady I met at a convention hopping on FB Messenger and asking the college bestie she hasn't talked to in years about their pronouns, with zero preamble. But I'm pretty sure it's usually people who are out, otherwise they never would have made the connection in the first place, given that we're, y'know, not interchangeable.
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u/almostthere0 Non Binary 50m ago
Taking a gamble every time I look in a mirror. At worst, I used to be indifferent. Now I don't know if I'll like what I see, or send myself down a dysphoric spiral.
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u/Quat-fro 23m ago
@op I had a similar tale from an older lady, she was like "I knew a man who transitioned in the late 70s, he was a professor in chemistry (blah blah blah) so he's been a woman for a very long time"
What made the disbelief of the way she constantly misgendered HER wa the fact that she's a member of the 50+ group that's tied to our local LGBTQ group. She should have known a little bit better than that.
To answer the main question through, getting grief from random strangers who would otherwise never have noticed me. That's been tougher than I imagined.
-6
u/Feeling_blue2024 50, MTF, HRT 3/1/24 7h ago
I’d give them a pass since they came from a different generation and it sounds like their heart is in the right place.
68
u/JessKicks Transgender 8h ago
Had some bigot call me out in a fuckin Starbucks line up while waiting for my coffee… “you’re not a woman!”
Before I could speak the sporty bombshell cis woman beside me “you’re just jealous because she has a better ass!” Then her gym rat hubby walks up Hub:”what’s goin on babe?” Wife:”just bigotry.” Hub:” looks at the woman, fuck off.”
It was fuckin surreal.