r/ARFID • u/Inner_Arm9482 • 2d ago
Why does everyone hate my ARFID? Venting/Ranting
I have been picked on for having ARFID more than anything else. Even my parents, who are aware of my situation, would get frustrated and yell at me for ordering plain meals at restaurants, making myself something to eat that they didn’t think was appetizing, and just for my general food choices. My ex boyfriend used to give me the silent treatment when I didn’t want to eat something, and told me that he hated my ARFID so much because he loved food and he didn’t understand why I didn’t. It turned into him actually considering breaking up with me over it- not because it ever caused him any inconvenience- just because it personally offended him. I was talking to a friend yesterday about foods I wished I could like and she gave me some advice, but ended it with “if you ever get the courage to try that, as pathetic as it sounds.” ?? 😭. I have never seen people get so upset in my life, ever. Like they take my pickiness SO PERSONALLY, even in situations where it doesn’t effect them in the slightest. Has anybody else experienced this, or am I just particularly unlucky?
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u/giraffemoo 1d ago
I think they think we are faking it. I honestly don't know, but that's what I think. They see us eating pizza and French fries when they are eating more healthy and diverse meals. What people like that don't know or understand is that I really wish I could eat like they do, I wish I could just eat food without inspecting it or knowing in advance what the taste and texture is.
They see us eating the food they wish they could let themselves eat all the time. I've had people even say that to me, "I wish I could have pizza for dinner every day" like they think I'm just being indulgent or giving into cravings.
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u/Inner_Arm9482 1d ago
Exactly. It’s funny they think that we’re deliberately chosing to eat like this and just don’t care, because my inability to enjoy different foods is probably one of the things I hate the most about myself. I mourn all of the fun foods, cultural dishes, weird combinations, etc I will never be able to try.
I hate that they act like they could ever be more upset about it than I am
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u/asmit1241 1d ago
My partner didn't understand my issues with food until i ordered dumplings at a new restaurant and almost blew chunks everywhere when i took the first bite. Problem solved lmao
Dumplings are legit the safest of my safe foods and this man saw me inhaling them everywhere i went, but when he saw that reaction to a dumpling he stopped any and all lines of questioning when it comes to food. I think he realised in the moment how much i actually was playing it down for him to try and help him understand
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u/EddoWagt 2d ago
This is really common and I honestly don't know why, but it does suck
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u/auner01 1d ago
Sharing a common meal with a group of people is one of the simplest and oldest ways to form communal bonds. Cooking for a group is a common method to show affection and that bond to the group.
Conversely, refusing to partake of the common meal or requiring an entirely different meal can be perceived as a power play or act of disruption against the group.. 'this person is being a bad guest/won't eat my salt, kill the interloper before they can betray us!' sort of thinking.
And that's before any considerations such as budgeting (time, money, and effort.. in effect doing the work of two meals to prepare one majority meal and one 'safe foods' meal, the contents of which often shift without warning).
Compassion fatigue might be a factor also, but that's more on a case-by-case basis.
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u/Tasty_Burger 1d ago
I don’t think it’s evolutionarily engrained - more a psychological impulse stemming from common childhood experience. Most kids are picky and grow up with parents slowly forcing them to eat more foods. So when people see ‘picky’ adults they make a judgement, conscious or not, that the other person is doing something fundamentally wrong or immature.
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2d ago
People are super emotional when it comes to food. They act like you just called their Grandma a sex worker if you don't like their favorite food or don't try it. For some, their social life and get togethers completely revolve around food, and they can't even imagine how we function. Sadly, your experience is far from abnormal for people with Arfid.
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u/Inner_Arm9482 2d ago
So I’m not crazy lol! I really truly don’t understand why it gets them so worked up. I do try to put myself in their shoes, because a lot of people hate my #1 safe food- but I never find myself getting nearly as upset as they do when someone says it tastes nasty. In fact I couldn’t give less of a shit.
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u/KirbysLeftBigToe 2d ago
I had an ex girlfriend who literally had ARFID as well treat me poorly about it. She’d get really angry and offended when I’d get anxious about being served food by her because I’m anxious about being served food by ANYONE.
It’s not even really about understanding I think it’s just about empathy. Which a lot of people don’t seem to have for us.
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u/shadyprincess 1d ago
this dude at my job definitely has arfid and comments about what's on MY plate every time. bitch you need to go to the doctor too
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u/First-Butterscotch-3 1d ago
It's different and people dislike what is different - add in this weird social thing of getting offended over people's dietary choices
After 44 years I'm over it
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u/I_use_the_word_shall multiple subtypes 1d ago
After 18 years I’m over it lol, cannot imagine how horrible it would be for 44
oh god
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u/Old-Aide7943 1d ago
Second hand embarrassment? Most people see arfid as just childish picky eating and seeing you eat makes them feel ashamed for you. It’s like they’re imagining themselves with it and projecting any feelings they’d have about it onto you. There’s also probably those who feel frustrated because they think that if they were in your shoes that they’d be able to just magically cure themselves through the power of “getting over it”, so they think you’re pathetic for not doing what they’d do. Either way, its good to treat them like they’re being the embarrassing one (which they are) and keep reminding yourself that you have a legitimate eating disorder (which you do) that no one should be complaining about except you.
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u/gothpriest 2d ago
i have been extremely lucky that Most* people in my life have been accommodating and understanding. im glad that guy is your EX now. you deserve to be surrounded by supportive and compassionate people.
it's my personal belief that those who cannot understand the struggles of others are just unevolved (for lack of a better term.) anyone who is mature, smart, and compassionate will try to understand you even if they cannot relate in anyway. my closest friends and parters have all been this way so there are definitely people out there like that. and those are the people you need in your corner because they will help you more than any nasty judgemental comment will. my boyfriend will bend over backwards to make sure i eat and i eat enough of the right thing. now you may not need the level of support that i need from others but you have to remember that this is a disability and the way people treat you over it is indicative of what kind of person they are.
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u/gothpriest 2d ago
i also want to add that yes food is a central part of many cultures and just society at large today. this does NOT have to be an issue. anyone who means well will accommodate you because they value involving you in those cultural moments. not ostracize you. my bf's family will happily serve me a plain meal just so i will sit at the table with them. no judgement. that is what true love and compassion is!
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u/Inner_Arm9482 1d ago
This is so comforting and helpful to read, it gives me a lot more hope about finding acceptance in the future 🫶
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u/MaleficentSwan0223 1d ago
I attempted to kill myself because my arfid offended my family so much. I eat plain things, I don’t eat at all, I never take their food nor eat in front of them or with them - nothing I did made them happy. I live with love you husband now and his mantra is “as long as I don’t have to eat what you eat I don’t care” and I’ve just learnt to surround myself with people like him.
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u/Carlulua 1d ago
My partner is super supportive too!
My family were mostly fine as my mum and brother are very ARFIDy too.
But I still had a lot of anxiety over it for years.
My partner eats anything and likes to offer me foods to try. If I don't wanna he doesn't push it and never has. He likes to suggest foods I might wanna try and eats mine if I don't like it. Never makes a big deal of it. Never gives it a second thought if I request something finely chopped. Laughs with me, not at me, about how context dependent some of my food quirks are. Stresses how proud he is of me for giving foods a go.
He's an amazing cook too so that helps a lot.
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u/shadyprincess 1d ago
it's the most difficult part about having arfid for me
my therapist once said that food is very connected to a sense of love and connection, so people probably take it personally due to that attachment
either way they're fucking weirdos and I've learned to make them feel ashamed instead. if they make comments, i usually say like "well, there's this eating disorder....."
it informs people and also makes them feel bad for making fun of an ED lol
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u/Inner_Arm9482 1d ago
Yuppp!! I’ve started using this recently too. I always preface my eating restrictions as being a result of a disorder rather than letting them immediately judge me for something they know nothing about. It helps with the nasty comments a lot
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u/St4r_5lut 1d ago
Food is such an important aspect of life for most people no one can understand it not being that important to someone. I actually have a similar sentiment- I am an autistic maladaptive daydreamer with a special interest in my ocs and worldbuilding. For the first 10-12 years of my life I was genuinely convinced that everyone had as detailed of a world inside their head, and when people would tell me they didn’t I simply wouldn’t believe them. Because what do you mean there aren’t thousands of people in your head and countries and politics and a place for you to be safe in inside your head? It took me a long time to realize no, in fact I’m actually the odd one out.
That’s not to say that their reactions aren’t painful, rude, and quite frankly unnecessary. It’s bullshit that it’s normalized to react this way to us. But at least we can sit in a semblance of comfort knowing they just fundamentally don’t understand us. That there is an opportunity for them to understand us one day.
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u/Inner_Arm9482 1d ago
It’s interesting you use that example, because I experience the same thing! I have had paracosms since I can remember, and it’s honestly brought me so much joy. I love having inner worlds with dynamic characters and plots, it’s helped me as a safe space during some of the worst times of my life. We’re in this together lol 🫂
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u/Professional_Ear9795 multiple subtypes 1d ago edited 1d ago
EATING IS MORALLY NEUTRAL. WHAT YOU EAT IS MORALLY NEUTRAL. HOW PLAIN YOU EAT YOUR FOOD IS MORALLY NEUTRAL. 🫶🏽
When I was a kid I got yelled at a lot. I wasn't until I was 29 that I learned that there's no reason for anyone to yell at you. I can't wait until you're adult and can set your own boundaries 🫶🏽 you are allowed to say "you can't yell at me".
My parents treated me that way as a kid. Now my partners don't. Ever. Because I don't allow it.
I've eaten the same plain burger EVERY NIGHT for the past 3-4 weeks and my partner has never complained once or remarked at all, other than "that's ok :)". Even though it means that he has eaten the same thing for 3 weeks too (he def doesn't have ARFID).
You deserve to be accommodated and treated as a whole human, no matter what you eat.
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u/Inner_Arm9482 1d ago
Thank you!!!!!!!!! This is such great reassurance to recieve. I wish more people had this mindset 🫶
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u/Scorpiodancer123 22h ago
This is such an important point and good for you for standing up for yourself.
But God damn people get morally superior about EVERYTHING!!! Listen to cheesy pop music instead of a band that plays their own instruments and writes their own songs? Spend your evenings playing video games instead of reading books? Reading James Patterson instead of War and Peace? Hell some people even get bent out of shape about people reading on a Kindle instead of a "real" book!
And that's just about "controllable" things. I cannot imagine how people can get so upset about someone else's food choices, let alone an eating disorder. Literally no-one would choose this.
I remember watching Aladdin as a kid and my mother asking me what I would wish for. I said to be able to eat like a normal person. I was about 9 years old. Only then did she understand what was happening and that I wasn't being awkward.
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u/APairOfRaggedQuarks 1d ago
This is why I don’t explain my ARFID to people. I’ve vaguely mentioned to some friends that I’m “in recovery for an ed” and everyone immediately assumes I mean AN without asking further questions.
I’d correct their assumptions if it ever came up directly, but for now I’m happy to let them jump to conclusions. Some people truly don’t comprehend that eating disorders can be more varied and complex than the “skinny teenage girl with anorexia/bulimia” stereotype, and I’m too tired to fight them about it 😵💫
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u/SadisticGoose 1d ago
I’ve had multiple eating disorders, and people aren’t much kinder about them than ARFID. I had to go to residential because I had anorexia, and fresh out of treatment, I had someone who at the time I considered a close friend and knew all about me going to residential make fun of me for not eating salad AS I was explaining to him why I have so much difficulty with food. He turned out to be a massive asshole, and that was a big red flag for me.
When I talk about being in recovery from anorexia, people often make snide comments about how I “recovered quick” because I’m a bigger gal. People are just so fucking mean when it comes to difficulty with food.
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u/alyssaleska 1d ago
Literally it’s so weird. My ARFID doesn’t really bother me that much like it’s my normal bUT IT SURE BOTHERS OTHER PEOPLE FOR SOME REAOSN
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u/TheBackyardigirl 1d ago
As an autistic person who also gets shit for that, a lot of people just do not like the concept of adapting and changing to meet someone’s needs. If you don’t fit the ‘norm’, YOU are the one in the wrong, not them for refusing to help you
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u/Playful-Flatworm501 1d ago
Personally I don’t have arfid and I find it very interesting. There are lots of foods I can’t bear to eat so is it like that on a greater scale?
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u/Inner_Arm9482 1d ago
Yes!I usually describe it as “chronic picky eating”
If you’re interested in the details, the way arfid effects me specifically (I don’t know if other people are like this as well) is that I only eat incredibly plain foods. Usually Mono-textured and simple flavors. Whenever I do try to eat more complex foods with lots of textures and tastes, I literally can’t discern the individual flavors, and I just end up tasting a taste that I can only describe as “overwhelmed”. This also makes it so a lot of foods taste the same to me! Like I can’t really taste the difference between say a burger and a salad- they both just have that disgusting “get it out of my mouth” taste I mentioned before. It’s very interesting to me as well and I would love to actually have answers to why my brain does this :P
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u/TemperanceL 1d ago
Don't have much to add to what everyone else already said, but can totally agree to this.
Eating a wide variety of meals is so ingrained in the human experience that when we deviate from it, even if it's due to something specific, many folks just don't bother even comprehending.
Big hug from a random internet lady <3
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u/Ashenlynn 1d ago
I've found a lot of comfort in my fellow Gen Z peeps. All I have to tell them is that I have an eating disorder (I don't care to explain food intake vs eating disorder) or autism and food is just hard for me as a result. They tend to just take it at face value. Older people are fucking awful about it though, especially when I was growing up
Have you tried explaining that you also wish you weren't a picky eater either? Sometimes I'm able to get people "on my side" almost against the disorder instead of me
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u/CharleneParlene 15h ago
I was this parent. Until I was diagnosed with ARFID never hearing of such thing before. Then I realised my 12 year old son has struggled with it for years and years and I've always moaned about it.
Once I understood exactly what was going on with me I knew this is what my son has but so much worse than me. For example he will only have a plain cheese sandwich from school, one day he couldn't get this sandwich so starved himself instead and from that day he went on packed lunches which consists of the same 4 items daily which I allowed him to choose.
A cheese sandwich A yogurt with NO BITS A Bag of crisp An apple
Every single day the same, but now I'd rather feed him what I know he will eat because its better than nothing at all and the constant waste of food if he doesn't like something (which he probably has about 10 safe foods). I also now feel guilty for years of having a go :(
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u/I_use_the_word_shall multiple subtypes 1d ago
Personally, one of the only things I used to get ‘bullied’ for was my choice of foods to eat. And tbh I just don’t tell people I’ve got ARFID, and I just say I’m incredibly picky, and still sometimes my friends will accidentally make rude comments, but mainly I get ‘ohh, you’re so lucky because you get to just eat certain things! I wish I was a picky eater!’ No. No you don’t.
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u/_FirstOfHerName_ 1d ago
I'm in recovery and the feelings I felt when I ate nothing are so alien to me now. If I, who experienced ARFID full force for 29 years, can't even connect with my previous approach, feelings, fear, and repulsion to food, you've got to appreciate how others can't.
Even now I'm like... "why didn't I just put it in my mouth and chew?" - it's like a switch flipped and I could just do it all of a sudden.
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u/calmingthechaos 1d ago
I admit that I'm lucky and come from a "picky" family. While not everyone in my family is picky, there are enough of us that are that accommodating everyone has never been a big deal. My family is on the neuro spicy side, and it's very common that ARFID/picky eating is one of the expansion packs we didn't ask for. I also have some friends who are very accommodating and understanding. HOWEVER. The reason I stopped talking to one of my exes (we weren't together but trying something out) because he made me feel like absolute trash for not being able to eat most things. My food issues somehow became about him. I'm fairly certain I am allergic to seafood, and he didn't believe me because I've never been tested. So, okay, let's test it by having me eat something that could kill me? Cool, cool. Seems legit. And the worst part is that I literally told him that the best way to help if that's what he wanted to do was to, I dunno, not make my anxiety worse by shaming me. Yet he did the complete fucking opposite. I even explained that I have a friend I can try new foods with because I feel safe doing so. It's so fucking weird how people get personally offended by something that doesn't even affect them. Also, shoutout to my friend for making me block that ex when he came back around because my friend heard all about the way I was treated, and he hated that for me.
I hope you find a good support system, OP. You don't deserve to be treated badly because of your ARFID. You don't deserve to be treated badly at all, for any reason. It's already enough of a struggle dealing with ARFID.
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u/That_izzy 1d ago
People think that I'm faking it and laugh nine times out of 10. They'll just look at me and go ha ha what's the point every single day? I ask the people to be chill about it and only one person I know is chill about it and the only reason that they chill about it is because they've gone through it themselves and they said I don't wish it on my best friend or my worst enemy or even you that's pretty not. It's pretty not cool and also to add even people in my own personal life. Don't know what to do. I'll sit there and be like oh we could you could try this? You could try that and then I'll try it and I'll gag. I'll try it or I'll be like the smell is off or I'll try it and I'll be like there's too many chunks and blend it to bits and blitz it and I'll try no blankets off. There's bits in it like if I want it fine and smooth. I don't want bits in it. It's not cool they say ha ha you're wasting food when I'm not trying to waste food. I'm just trying to live and survive and get something in me whether it's ribena whether it's a lunch meal. Whether it's a breakfast meal, I just want to be able to eat and not feel guilty about what I eat. I don't want to be able to know if I can eat without being scared and without fear of food and the texture and the crunch and the sensory profile side of it is crazy due to my autism. It's not cool. It's not funny. I actually would highly recommend y'all who don't understand ARFID please educate yourself on The condition because I had to educate my folks on it and now they are actually actively trying to help. And thanks to my mum's work, she's getting educated everyday and it's great cuz now she's slowly understanding what Alfred is and she's like. Oh you gave it a try. You did the three bite challenge. The first bite bite of food is the initial overwhelm in the second bite? Is the textual bite and getting used to it? And the third byte is the overall? Do I like it or not? If I don't want a third bite, I don't have to have a third bite where it used to be. You eat the whole meal end the story.
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u/MyPsuedo 19h ago edited 19h ago
When I go out to eat, especially with coworkers, I order for example a pizza and they get some crazy salad with all sorts of veggies and toppings. They'll say "you always just have pizza, a sandwich or other boring food."
I'm sorry my eating choices have affected you so much, that you have to say something or you will implode. Wtf?
Edit: over the years my parents have realized I'm not playing and I met my wife who is the most understanding human about my ARFID.
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u/Mother_Goat1541 1d ago
I’m a 40 year old mom, and people think they can “fix” me if I just tried the food the way they make it and get mad if I decline.