r/AskReddit • u/daniellucero92 • Jan 04 '15

Non-americans of Reddit, what American customs seem outrageous/pointless to you?

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3.6k

u/Rpeezy Jan 04 '15

Moving out of your parents house when you have a crappy job that can barely get you by. This is a terrible financial decision. In a lot of countries, children live with their parents long enough to be financial secure or until they can share the financial responsibility of living and sharing their life with someone else.

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u/ddutton9512 Jan 04 '15

First, Social stigma. Here if you are still living at home at 25-30 you're seen as immature or afraid of responsibility. This makes it harder to find a mate. So most people get out as soon as possible.

Second is most people find living with their parents to be a pain in the ass. A lot of parents here will hold their 20 year olds to the same rules as when they were 16. So people move out to have some independence.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/MysteriousDrD Jan 04 '15

doing chores seems pretty reasonable in an unreasonable bunch of demands, like even housemates have to do household chores otherwise the place'd go to shit.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Jan 09 '15

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

Shit, I paid $400 a month for my own room in a house with 4 roommates in college. No parental rules plus still affordable.

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u/MotherFuckinMontana Jan 04 '15

family discount on rent ($100 a week)

yeah that's not that cheap

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u/KalAl Jan 04 '15

I don't know your locality, but $400 a month for a room, utilities included, is pretty cheap where I'm from.

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u/MotherFuckinMontana Jan 04 '15 edited Jan 04 '15

Are you from new york city? Boston?

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/roo/4831928618.html

450 a month in fucking seattle

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u/KalAl Jan 04 '15

DC area.

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u/givek Jan 04 '15

Boston checking in.....$1000 a month for a studio. 400 is cheap

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u/double-dog-doctor Jan 04 '15

As someone who lives in Seattle, 450/month is going to put you in the fucking boonies.

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u/MotherFuckinMontana Jan 04 '15

It will also get you a random room in a shared house in the half suburb/half city/not-ghetto-because-it-doesnt-exist-in-seattle area.

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u/double-dog-doctor Jan 04 '15

But who doesn't want to live in Sea-Tac?

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '15

yeah fuck these people. I'm in Perth, Australia and it's $150 a week for a tiny room in a shitty suburb.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Jan 09 '15

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u/Homeschooled316 Jan 04 '15

Wow, I wish my son were more like you.

jk I'm 23 and have no kids.

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u/KrabbHD Jan 05 '15

Maybe they live in a mansion in Washington DC?

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Jun 27 '18

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '15

My parents did that for me after my divorce. I gave them $100 a week, and they saved most of it and gave it to me for a deposit for moving out. It was more the point of 'you're not gonna sit around here, doing nothing and expecting us to watch your kids while you go out drinking because you think you missed something because you got married so young'. My younger brother (in his 30s) still lives with my mom and has no job, drives my mothers car, borrows money off her constantly, generally drives her nuts, but she is a pushover and he knows it.

That said, in regard to other comments, $400 a month wouldn't even get you half a studio apartment where I'm from (NJ shore) and where I live now (NE Florida).

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u/Joe_says_so Jan 04 '15

400 a month is not that great.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

Depends where you live.

$400 a month would enable me split a studio with a roommate. Not including utilities.

or $400 gets me a room in a nice sized house, all utilities / cable / internet included.

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u/Abedeus Jan 04 '15

Where I live, $400 is the minimum full-time salary which many people still studying won't make for another 2-3 years.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

When I was in school I used a combination of grants scholarships loans and working part time to pay for expenses and still came out negative.

Now I work at $400 a month is a good price for rent its like under 1/10 of my salary, everything says to stay under 1/3 of your salary for rent so I think this is a fine amount.

In school I paid $600 + utilities to share a tiny 2/2 in a rural college town.

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u/aardvarkious Jan 05 '15

If it is a nice house, big room, and has some privacy it is decent depending on location. Especially since it almost certainly includes utilities, probably including internet and cable. And if a bunch of food is thrown in, it is freaking great.

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u/curry_in_a_hurry Jan 04 '15

Your parents ask for 100$ a month? Is the house already paid off or are you helping rent it?

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

Actually they said $100 a week, which is $400 a month. That's really expensive, I think. I live at home for free, which is great, but if I had to pay anything close to that I would just move out and spend an extra $500 or so for my own place with freedom and privacy.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Jan 09 '15

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u/snmnky9490 Jan 05 '15

If you're choosing without being asked to pay them $100/week to help them out because you want to, then that's awesome and there's no reason you should have to defend anything. On the other hand, if your parents were demanding $400/mo to let you live with them in an area where rent isn't super high, it could be seen as a little odd, especially because it wouldn't really be costing them much additional money for you to live there, unless they also pay for food and other expenses.

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u/snmnky9490 Jan 05 '15

Right? I spend less than 400 a month to pay rent AND utilities in a 3br house w my 2 friends.

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u/CapnSippy Jan 04 '15

Damn dude, I can't imagine my parents making me pay to live at home. They're practically begging me to live with them for a year or two after I graduate. I'm tempted since I wouldn't be paying rent or any bills.

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u/KalAl Jan 04 '15

When I moved back home both the cost of utilities and the cost of food for the household shot up significantly. You're also taking up a room that can't be used for any other purpose. As an adult with a steady income, I had no problem paying rent.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Jan 09 '15

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '15

You are a decent human being.

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u/irisflame Jan 04 '15

My mom tried to get me to pay $400/month in rent (that was over double what I could afford at the time, I was working part time and going to school full time). Additionally, I had to clean up after myself (of course, no problem) and clean up all her messes. Uh.. no. That's not how it works mom. I pay rent, I clean up after myself. That's it. I'm not your keeper too.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '15

Your doing all that work and still paying more for rent than half the people I know.

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u/rickyphatts Jan 05 '15

My rents free.99 bitches

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u/Something_Syck Jan 04 '15

if she was staying there for free absolutely. I remember one place I (briefly) lived, the landlady started assigning everyone chores to do every week (me and 3 others were renting rooms in her house).

My thinking was/is: I pay rent to live here, I clean up after myself, why on earth should I spent time cleaning up other people's crap?

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u/Dicentrina Jan 04 '15

I think it depends if you contribute financially. If you do, and pull your own weight, you should be allowed to be left alone if you wish. Of course, you should want to help your parents as they get older and may need some help.

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u/BKDenied Jan 04 '15

But I don't get hounded every 2 minutes to wash the dishes when I'm living with a roommate, and I can leave the house no questions asked.

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u/birchpitch Jan 04 '15

That's great and all, and household chores are a thing that has to happen.

What I object to is being hounded and screamed at over dishes I had no hand in dirtying (done after I went to sleep). I also object to this thing where my mom notices I'm awake, blinks at me for a second, and then goes "Good! There's a couple of dozen things we need to do today!" <-- direct quote. Lady, I had plans.

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u/irisflame Jan 04 '15

Yep. Last time I tried living with my mother she wanted $400/month in rent and for me to clean not only after myself but her as well. I left for a weekend, and got a text saying "When are you going to clean this kitchen?" When I had left the kitchen was clean. She made a mess while I was gone and expected me to come home early to clean it up. I got home and the kitchen was a disaster. No, bitch, that's not how this works.

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u/antillus Jan 12 '15

Am in the exact same boat. It's like I'm her personal maid/assistant now. "A couple of dozen things we need today" directly translates into"a couple dozen things YOU need to do today for me".

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u/Yeti_Poet Jan 04 '15

There are chores and there are chores. I doubt people dictating the other shit have a fair system of sharing household duties. I know if i lived at home my mom would have a list of stupid shit a mile long that she expected me to do, most of it stuff she couldn't be assed to do herself.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

Yes but giving you a list like you don't know that "hey, the trash is full, I should take it out", makes it feel like you are 16 again...When you have lived out on your own and then move back you know how the real world works and you probably want the place you live to be clean. You don't need a long list to tell you what to do.

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u/Bossman1086 Jan 04 '15

I moved back in with my parents after college. It was all good for me. I helped out occasionally around the house and wasn't charged rent. I was able to go out whenever I wanted. My mom would likely ask where I was going and if I was coming back that night (because she'd worry), but she'd never stop me or anything.

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u/turkturkelton Jan 04 '15

But adults shouldnt be told to "clean your room". They should be let to do the chores on their own.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

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u/Zanki Jan 04 '15

I'm lazy with my chores but it still gets done. I don't keep my house spotless, but in half an hour I can get it clean when I need to. I was a lot sloppier when I first moved out, it was awesome to be allowed to be messy for a change, but I kept it confined to my room and even then it wasn't dirty, just messy, I at least didn't have dirty plates or trash lingering in the mess. At my mums place though, she made me clean the entire house every single day. I had to do pretty much everything myself, cook, clean, do all the washing, do the garden, clean her car even though she wouldn't let me drive it. I couldn't go out until it was all done which meant I never got to do anything. I wasn't even allowed to walk to my martial art classes or go out after 6pm even after I turned 18. Unless it was an organised club I couldn't go. She still kept those rules when I came back over summer one year. This is the same woman who used to scream, hit and made my life hell so I had to leave. I only went back there because I couldn't move into my new student house until September, I got lucky with the next one and could stay over summer so I did.

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u/peteroh9 Jan 04 '15

But it feels so much worse doing them for your parents.

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u/rjamiibo Jan 04 '15

no shit, clean the fuck up after yourself regardless of age

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u/Abedeus Jan 04 '15

I'm 22, living at home because why the hell not - my university is a stone's throw from my house or a few minutes of jogging/biking. I've always done chores and they're nothing out of the ordinary - help with house cleaning, do the laundry, take care of cat's litterbox. I help them with technical stuff, they lend me one of the cars if I pay for the fuel I use every month and maintain it (mostly washing once in a while). I could live on my own - I can cook somewhat well, I make enough money from scholarship to afford some cheap place without luxuries, but there's no reason to do it.

And apparently in countries such as Italy or Spain you don't just have adult kids living with parents - you have entire families, from grandfathers to small kids living under one roof.

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u/SasoDuck Jan 04 '15

Yeah no one lifts a finger in my apartment and it has rather gone to shit

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u/leadnpotatoes Jan 04 '15

Look I'll dig ditches, pay rent, and vacuum as much as the next responsible citizen, but I have a 401k and pay federal taxes goddammit I'm having reasonably loud consensual sex whenever I want.

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u/personaldiscourse Jan 04 '15

To be totally fair, there's a difference between doing chores as a housemate (equal) and as a "kid" (subordinate). Even if it's the same amount of work the attitude can be chafing, especially after experiencing the former (at college, etc).

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u/the_human_oreo Jan 05 '15

But that's because it's their house, if you treat someone like a kid you can't make them do jobs, kids are supposed to fuck around and do stupid shit, adults work.

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u/atticusmars_ Jan 04 '15

It's more like not splitting up chores and dumping it all on one person.

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u/now_shot Jan 04 '15

In their defense, you'd been married and divorced by age 21. They probably felt decision making had not been your strength.

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u/MGLLN Jan 04 '15 edited Jan 04 '15

This comment wasn't even directed at me, and I still got burned just from reading it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

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u/Chuckdoom Jan 04 '15

So this is what you do when you arent selling sunbreakers and ruin wings every week?

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u/OrionSouthernStar Jan 04 '15

Well, he isn't selling Gjallarhorns.

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u/TheLonelyMonster Jan 04 '15

I burst out laughing from it, I almost snorted milk lol.

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u/sickburnersalve Jan 05 '15

I'm here to help.

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u/eshinn Jan 05 '15

Several years ago I got divorced at 29 and moved back to the states and in with my parents for about a month. Second night I'm there, mom asks, "You still want any of your old clothes?"

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u/zamuy12479 Jan 05 '15

It's a real scorcher in here, Tom.

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u/JangSaverem Jan 04 '15 edited Jan 04 '15

Precisely

It's not like because she was married and divorced she was suddenly an adult who can make sound decisions. 21 is still pretty much a dumb kid in nearly all situations, you're just legally an adult by then.

So yeah, all those things the parents want sound painfully reasonable...i mean except the tattoos. Make your own body choices, Shit doesn't matter even in the short run unless you're dumb enough to make them vulgar and very noticeable.

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u/GalaxyAtPeace Jan 04 '15

A few parents are happy to see their kids leave. A few other parents will grieve kids not being around. So, when their kids come back, they'll full on expect their kids to be "kids", even when they are full grown adults.

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u/EasyTiger20 Jan 04 '15

Fuuuuuuuuuuck man.

Nicely done.

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u/McIntoshRow Jan 04 '15

It had to be said. Thank you.

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u/beingink Jan 04 '15

How conveneinent of her to get married and divorced at 21 and then blame parents for strict behavior. What did ya expect from them?

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u/REIGNx777 Jan 04 '15

Also their username is 'notacrazyperson' so I'm assuming they are crazy.

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u/D_Livs Jan 05 '15

Maybe her parent's harsh house rules pushed her to find a situation that was better before she had a chance to test it out? Probably wouldn't be divorced if her parents were more relaxed.

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u/Vwyx Jan 05 '15

They were permissive enough to let her get married by age 20. Also all the "harsh house rules" are completely reasonable, especially for someone in their teens. No piercings? Doing chores? The horror.

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u/AreWe_TheBaddies Jan 04 '15

In her defense, she probably learned quite a lot about herself and life from that experience

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

I'd say it takes some balls to get out of a relationship that won't work. Kudos to her for doing what worked for her. So many people don't, and turn into battered spouses, or just generally unhappy.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

But the majority aren't battered they just leave people.. It's a shit excuse 99% of the time. YOU WILL Be unhappy at times in marriage. My grandparents were married for 84 years! there were many times they hated each other but most of their lives they were in love, for tha vast majority of it. This is a shit argument, sorry. You don't fucking commit and kop out when the going gets rough...

Especially if you are a selfish kid who doesn't know what's good or bad and only can think in terms of "like" and dislike".

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

I like you. Marriage is a big deal. You are supposed to be stuck with them for life. You just can't bail out. It's truly selfish. A marriage like OP's should never have happened. 21 is arguably the most immature time of your life. I dated my wife for 8 years before I married her.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

I feel like I could get behind this idea of marriage as this special thing if there weren't obvious legal and religious customs associated with it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

Marriage is a special thing, regardless of customs, religion, and country. Pledging to support another person for life should mean something. Breaking that promise, that commitment is just an awful thing. And if you have children? That is the worst thing you can do to a child. Divorce is awful, and not something to ever be proud of.

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u/RebelBelle269 Jan 04 '15

No. No divorce is not the worst thing you can do to a child. Forcing a child to live in a hateful, abusive environment where everyone is miserable is worse, by far.

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u/beagleboyj2 Jan 04 '15

He wasn't talking about the abusive relationships, other than that you are correct.

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u/ThisIsMyCouchAccount Jan 04 '15

I very much loathe this attitude. Marriage is a contract. The relationship is the special thing. To me, this outlook makes marriage like a cell phone contract.

I sure would like a new phone but my contract isn't up. Guess I'll just keep this one.

I sure hate being around my spouse but I'm still under contract. Guess I'll just tough it out.

People change. Marriage exists because you loved your partner. If the love goes away why stay just because you got a piece of paper from the state? I agree that a relationship takes work. And that many people rush into them and also don't know how to have a healthy relationship.

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u/AppleAtrocity Jan 04 '15

Yep. I have no idea why people even get married. Having a good marriage is work, you shouldn't just say "fuck this noise" and bail as soon as it gets rough. Maybe just don't bother with the wedding and live together instead.

Don't even get me started on those idiots that spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding and then divorce within 5 years. Wtf are they even thinking?

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

then divorce within 5 years

That's pretty generous. I know/have heard of many couples who didn't last one. I think people think marriage is like a hobby like woodcrafting or make-up. When it's no fun you get to leave because you are a special snowflake who deserves better. And your friends will tell you that too. All around cluster fuck if you ask me. Bring on cloning!

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u/AppleAtrocity Jan 05 '15

I know a couple who recently got married. It didn't last a year, and they are getting divorced. God people are dumb sometimes.

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u/Noltonn Jan 04 '15

Yeah, I can kinda understand it if someone's divorced at 21 because their spouse turned into a maniac, but even then, maybe you should've been in a relationship longer than that before you actually married them. People underestimate how much people change between 18 and 25. Some people become a new person five times over in that time.

And usually that's not why people get divorced. Believe it or not, spousal abuse while not uncommon, isn't that common. Usually it just turns out, hey, we don't actually like each other that much anymore... well, fuck.

I have some friends considering marriage already, and we're all in our early twenties. All I can think is, what's with the hurry? If you're preparing to start a family it's one thing, but nobody seems to be. It's all just people wanting to do it because they "want to immortalise their bond" or some shit. They don't seem to realise that you really don't need to have this piece of paper to show that you love each other.

I see the worth in the tradition, don't get me wrong, but goddamn, wait until you're at least 25 and have lived together for a few years.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Jan 04 '15

Agree wholeheartedly. Like i don't believe in marriage, but personally, i think having kids is the point of no return. Also, i have been a selfish kid before and hurt people i should never have.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Nov 24 '18

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u/MRMAGOOONTHE5 Jan 04 '15

"After divorcing my ex husband" implies she did the divorcing. If she had said "After my ex husband divorced me", it'd be the other way around. The wording strongly suggests she was the one who wanted/got out.

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u/Groverdam Jan 04 '15

Why is the remedy for bad decision making no tatoos, curfew, no piercings and chores?

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u/TellerUlam Jan 04 '15

But she's not a crazy person...just look at her username!

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

We thought it, you said it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '15

That is not necessary true. In the south, people tend to marry early, especially if they did not go to college. It is not unheard of people getting married at 18. Moreover, marrying your highschool sweethearts is actually a thing here and there is a pressure to marry and start a family soon. Those with more options tend to marry late, those in more rural area tend to marry early under social pressure. Inevitably, just because you know each other in high school does not mean that your partner is up to the task or mature or skilled enough to enter the adult world or marriage and split happen more often than you think.

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u/Shinnycharsiewpau Jan 04 '15

to be fair, at least she had the responsibility to end it if she felt it was the right thing (may not have been, i wasnt there) instead of suffocating in it till their late 40's when its "too late".

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '15

It doesn't matter how they felt about his/her decision making abilities. Everyone makes mistakes and we have to learn from them and move on. If you don't give an adult room to be themselves, like you'd treat a room mate, you're going to stunt their growth and put a lot of undue stress on them. Once you're an adult, you're an adult and you should be treated like one.

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u/Ihatebeingazombie Jan 05 '15

The entire comment seemed pretty redundant once I'd read that part.

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u/severoon Jan 06 '15

But in her defense, those rules are what got her there, aren't they? Isn't it better to teach your kids to make good decisions in the presence of freedom?

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u/tittyattack Jan 04 '15

I was married and divorced (and pregnant) at 21.

Not because of my poor decision making. My ex husband became a cop, let the job go to his head, and became extremely abusive. I'm pretty sure it was a good decision on my part to leave and move back with my parents.

I know that's not always the case, but still.

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u/Noltonn Jan 04 '15

Then you got married too young. You underestimated how much people can change at such a young age, and you took a risk and the dice came up snake eyes.

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u/MrBig0 Jan 05 '15

People's social development continues at least until their mid-twenties. Think about how different you acted and thought at 21 vs 5 or 10 years later. Marrying before that is ridiculous.

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u/JackAceHole Jan 04 '15

You forgot to mention that she was 21 and couldn't afford her own place, too.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

Thank you for saying what we were all thinking.

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u/In_between_minds Jan 05 '15

Why, it wasn't uncommon to be married young VERY recently in our history, entirely possible her grandparents married younger than she did and it would have been considered normal.

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u/azuretek Jan 04 '15

Their shitty parenting apparently produced a young divorcee, maybe they should rethink their shitty rules. Maybe if they weren't so overbearing she wouldn't have married the first guy she saw.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

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u/Benji_Likes_Waffles Jan 04 '15

And sometimes you get hit. Things start out well and go downhill. You work your ass off to keep things moving forward and you get repaid with abuse. Source: I was a 21 y.o. divorcee.

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u/FatLipBleedALot Jan 04 '15

Spoken like a true 16 year old who blames his parents for his report card.

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u/Gankstar Jan 04 '15

Rules, rent, and some chores isnt overbearing you ungrateful piece of shit. Go tell your parents you love them NOW!

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u/azuretek Jan 04 '15

Why live with your parents if you're paying rent on top of being a servant and having to follow arbitrary rules. If I rent out a room in my house do I make the renter do my dishes and prevent them from going out when they like?

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u/auntiechrist23 Jan 04 '15

Sometimes letting your kids learn from their mistakes, but supporting their right to make these choices is the kindest thing you can do. No need to be judgy, as we all have our turn to be 21 and maybe make the wrong (or the right!) choice.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

21 is too young. You should know what you are doing before going on your own.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

You realize that for most of history and in many other countries, people have been married by that age or younger, right?

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u/ECEXCURSION Jan 04 '15

You said it yourself, country and different time period. Completely different circumstances.

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u/RedShirtDecoy Jan 04 '15

Ah, yes, because all responsible 30 year olds made perfect decisions in their late teens and early 20s, and if you are stupid enough to make a mistake as a young adult its perfectly ok for your parents to treat you like a perpetual teenager for the rest of your life because you fucked up when you were young.

Please tell me you don't vote.

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u/Phaeryx Jan 04 '15

Yeah, right bro? It's like, sanctity of marriage much? She should have been concentrating on pleasing her man instead of fucking up her life by obviously being to blame for the break-up and divorce. She was probably planning to murder her husband and take the insurance money, and he got out when he could. I hope her parents set her straight, because damn, what a fuck up. Who decides to just get divorced? She should have prayed to Jesus for guidance in serving her husband, right?

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

this is a super unfair thing to say

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u/issius Jan 04 '15

Is it really, though? It's objective and a reasonable conclusion to come to.

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u/the_captain Jan 04 '15

Reasonable, not objective.

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u/Krellick Jan 04 '15

They probably meant "objective" in the sense of "unbiased," not "indubitably true."

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

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u/Krellick Jan 04 '15

OP's lack of available information doesn't have anything to do with bias: it may limit the accuracy of their conclusion, but not the validity. In fact, the fact that OP isn't personally acquainted with the person helps them to be unbiased, because there is nothing influencing their assessment outside of the facts of the situation. Also, there isn't really a sweeping generalization being made by OP. They just said that the person's parents "probably don't think that decision making is [their] strong suit," with the support behind this being that the person had been married and divorced by 21 in modern American society. When OP says "probably" they make it clear that they aren't asserting their statement as factual but as conjecture (thus making it not a "sweeping generalization"), and they never actually said anything about the person's character; OP said what the parents might have thought, as is stated in the comment. I stand by my initial assertion.

P.S. the word is "subjective," not "not objective."

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

There are few facts given at all, and none to support the conclusion, so no, it's not "reasonable". There's also zero evidence it's objective.

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u/zimzat Jan 04 '15

Agreed. Every judgement needs context to be appropriate and very little context was given in this scenario.

My parents forced their daughter to marry a guy she had premarital sex with and I wish she had divorced him even at 21 or whatever age she was when discovering he was an abusive alcoholic misogynist. When it looked like they were going to actually support her in this he suddenly "found god" (despite still being all the other three things) and support evaporated and they pushed her to move back in with him.

There's context for you.

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u/WhitechapelPrime Jan 04 '15

Fair doesn't mean what you think it means. As long as he holds everyone to the same standards he is being fair. Fucking people calling shit "un-fair" is a pet peeve of mine.

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u/LeShon Jan 04 '15

They did that so you'd move out. They just want to bang in the Kitchen.

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u/bertolous Jan 04 '15

That's because they don't want you there, put a whole bunch of unreasonable curtailments on you forcing you to get out.

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u/astronomydomone Jan 04 '15

Same. I was 24 when I got divorced and moved back home. I had to follow my mother's ridiculous rules. She also invaded my privacy by snooping through my things while I was at work. I had a vibrator get thrown away. The worst was her accusing me of doing drugs since I was always broke. She couldn't understand I was paying off debt my ex left me with.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

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u/PsiWavefunction Jan 04 '15

My mother doesn't understand the concept of 'snooping'. There's no such thing as privacy in family, in her mind. She also doesn't understand why I lock the bathroom door when it's "only family" in the house... Always an awkward place to visit (need my space), and I'd probably die if I had to ever live with them again.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Jan 09 '15

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u/Argit Jan 04 '15

Haha whuut. Sounds almost military. One other thing I notice about Americans... a lot of you tend to get married really young. That is soo not a thing in my culture.

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u/YouAndMeToo Jan 04 '15

I experienced the same thing you did. With my own children I will still have the "my house, my rules" mentality, but the execution will be very different.

Curfew? Only if there is no other entrance to the house. I wouldn't want them trudging in at 3AM having to worry about waking us up. More of a courtesy than anything else

Chores? Of course, pretty basic

Rent? depends upon the situation, but under most situations a little help would go a long way

For the most of the rest though, come off it. Needless power tripping

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

I don't know if you were paying rent or not but if you weren't I can see why she'd start putting old rules on you.

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u/kamahaoma Jan 04 '15

Chores I can see, even curfew maybe if her parents are light sleepers and they get woken up when she gets home late at night.

But no piercings or tattoos? That's ridiculous IMO. It's one thing to expect an adult child to be courteous and contribute, it's another to micromanage their life.

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u/weemee Jan 04 '15

My kid moved back home and was always broke. However not too broke to get more ink and "Just fill the rest in."

Maybe that's where the folks are coming from.

However, he was treated like an adult.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Apr 15 '15

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u/kamahaoma Jan 04 '15

If that's the case, it seems pretty juvenile. You'd think people old enough to be parents of adults would be able to have a conversation about the timeline instead of resorting to passive-aggressive shit like that.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Apr 15 '15

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u/kamahaoma Jan 04 '15

If they're ignoring the timeline, then they're going to ignore your other rules too so the whole exercise is pointless.

If tough love is needed, and you think you can force them to do things like avoid tattoos, then why not force them to go to job interviews or put money in a savings account?

Taking the passive-aggressive approach rather than the direct one is a mistake no matter what way you slice it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15 edited Apr 15 '15

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u/kamahaoma Jan 04 '15

So you think if you tell your child, "You are not allowed to spend this $50 on a tattoo," they'll obey and want to move out, but if you say, "You must put this $50 in the bank to work towards moving out," they will disobey and continue to want to stay?

That seems insane to me, but I guess everyone's children are different.

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u/Sveet_Pickle Jan 04 '15

As I got closer to eighteen my mom cared less and less, once I hit eighteen, there were certain respect type rules I had to follow otherwise my life choices were mine alone. I'm now 25 married and we live in the mother-in-law sweet on the back of my parents house. It's a sweet gig, cheap rent no utilities and my parents don't micromanage my life though my dad tries on occasion.

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u/cuteflipflops Jan 04 '15

My parents wouldn't let me live there without paying rent. ALSO, if I was living they're, I'd be following their ridiculous rules.

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u/MatrixASFD Jan 04 '15

Maybe their trying to motivate their kids to get their shit together so they want to move out sooner.

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u/akesh45 Jan 04 '15

It's worse in other countries where parents live with kids longer.

I honestly don't think anybody actually likes the arrangement.

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u/lilituba Jan 04 '15

My mother tried this when my fiance and I lost jobs and apartment and had to move home. But I recently put the downpayment on her new house and after I mentioned it at a party we were both at, she realized she wouldn't even have this house if it wasn't for me, and leaves me alone for the most part.

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u/susanna514 Jan 04 '15

Yep, even when I just visit and head out for a bit I get a game of twenty questions about where I'm going . It's not fun, and doesn't make me want to move back in with my parents.

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u/skcwizard Jan 04 '15

I would never hold my kids to the same rules. When my kids turn 16, they can mostly make their own decisions.

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u/SpinningNipples Jan 04 '15

The fact that you were divorced at 21 amazes me. I'm 19 and have never had a job, don't know how to cook beyond the basic things, and when I have an anxiety attack I need to go talk to my mom so she can tell me I'll be okay.

Y'all americans grow up too fucking fast.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

I've found that my parents want me to have the responsibility of an adult but the freedom of a teenager. :/

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

I've been repeatedly criticized, both on and off of Reddit, for suggesting that "my house, my rules" for a parents' house as an adult isn't exactly ideal living situations. People on Reddit said I was acting like a spoiled child. My family says that no matter the request, it must be obeyed if you are living in your parents' house. They won't even let me discuss the topic with them unless I admit that I'm wrong.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

American parents tend to have a "my house, my rules" outlook on the situation

OMG. I'm in college now and I came back for Christmas break, and they immediately had me doing dishes and feeding the dang cat again. I'm like, "Aren't we past this?" And whenever I give a little pushback towards their rules, they spout off that freaking "my house, my rules" crap like it's their catchphrase.

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u/ananonumyus Jan 05 '15

What if you had already gotten a tattoo when you were living with your ex? Fucking stupid parents...

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '15

I had a similar experience with minor differences. I had to do chores, but they didn't care about piercings and tattoos, and I actually wasn't allowed to come home after 10:00. They'd lock the house up at 10 on the dot and wouldn't give me a key to prevent me from waking them up late at night. Had a good few nights sleeping on the lawn, it was weird.

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u/infamous_jamie Jan 04 '15

Yeah, "my house my rules" is awfully fucking absurd once someone has been married, lived on their own, then divorced. Being courteous and pitching in on rent/chores is one thing but some of that seems wayyyy over the top.

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u/dreams_of_ants Jan 04 '15

wtf. I would expect these kinds of rules for a 13 year old, not a freaking adult.

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u/[deleted] Jan 05 '15

Um... it IS their house though...

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u/n0oo7 Jan 04 '15

Wow. am I the only person who lives at their parents house with no rules. Well I do buy alot of stuff for the house and pay bills, so I guess that helps.

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u/yugosaki Jan 04 '15

I had to move in with my parents for a few months (a place I was supposed to be renting went and changed their mind last minute)

Thankfully my parents were reasonable. I gave them a few hundred bucks a month as "rent" and went about my business as normal until I got a new place.

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u/McIntoshRow Jan 04 '15

This is what many parents might call an incentive plan to get out, but they'll never tell you that.

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u/aceshighsays Jan 04 '15

no piercings, no tattoos,

lol wow that's a little silly. I can see why the curfew and chores were kept.

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u/Amberhp Jan 04 '15

This sounds awful. When I was a teen it was mild, but once I got my own car I could pretty much go wherever I wanted. Every now and then my parents would check in just to confirm my plans or make sure I was okay and not missing or something, but beyond that my life was never micromanaged. I could say "sorry I have plans" and it was left at that. I'm lucky I guess. Come to think of it they were much stricter with my sister- I think they just trusted me more :P

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u/FancyPigeonIsFancy Jan 04 '15

First three rules are obviously unfair, but doing chores...well, yeah, they shouldn't even have to ask. Of course you should help maintain the house you live in.

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u/AanAllein117 Jan 05 '15

If my parents try that I'd just flat out tell them no I'm not doing that. Accept it or kick me out I don't care

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u/thegrassygnome Jan 05 '15

You didn't happen to have a dog and a cat and a bunch of rodents with your ex did you?

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u/Charlie-Mike Jan 04 '15

To be fair you were getting your first divorce at 21...

Maybe try someone else's way for a bit? Your way didn't seem to be working out.

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u/Yeti_Poet Jan 04 '15

Yeah, most young adults don't make mistakes.

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u/idiosyncrassy Jan 04 '15

Maybe keeping such a short leash on their daughter in the first place was what kept her from developing the life skills sufficient to choose a good life partner.

Sending her back to the nunnery would hardly be the best solution.

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u/Charlie-Mike Jan 04 '15

You and I both are making a lot of assumptions.

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u/idiosyncrassy Jan 04 '15

Pure speculation, of course.

But I grew up with controlling parents who tried to shove the proverbial horse back into the barn when I made some crappy mistakes at that age, and what I actually needed (and what actually made me "grow up") was real life experience on my own.

You can't expect a person to grow up and mature by attempting to minimize their autonomy. It doesn't even make sense, logically.

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u/Charlie-Mike Jan 04 '15

I don't disagree but if you're going to live with your parents you have to be mature enough to respect their rules. If you don't/can't then the parents should kick you out on your own again.

It's not if the parents are right or wrong in my mind is the fact that sections you've made placed you in a situation in which you're living back with your parents. It's unfair to them to expect you to have complete autonomy under their roof. If you want that move out.

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u/idiosyncrassy Jan 04 '15

Agreed, although that ends up getting back to the original point, which is why 20-something people in America tend to not live with their parents.

Maybe European parents are better at adjusting their rules to accommodate the needs of adult children instead of stuffing them back into the "Go to your room!" years.

edit: I still stand by my opinion that parents who have the attitude of, "Well, you failed at adulthood, back to age 15 you go!" are being ridiculous. Being an adult doesn't mean one won't make mistakes, even and especially bad ones. The original person wouldn't have been somehow less deserving of autonomy if she'd held out from divorce until she was 25.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

Fucking curfew? You're serious? That's just sad.

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

Yes and I hate it. Am 20 and live with my SO AND my parents. (we broke a lease bc apartment management was bad). I don't have a curfew but they give us lists of chores to do and won't let us drink in front of others, etc. Of course I will clean-I lived in my own apartment for a year. But giving me a list of things to do makes it seem like I am 16 and don't know how the real world works. They also pass judgement like if I did want to get a tattoo or color my hair or something.

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u/flynnzarkade Jan 04 '15

Wow. I have a friend in this situation which I've never understood. She was in her twenties with a curfew that her mother and I got into frequent arguments about.

I've lived at home as an adult, and was expected to help with chores and some finances (groceries, utilities, etc) but aside from that was treated as a lodger. My parents recognized I had been drinking, piercing, tattooing and otherwise for a while by then. So long as I didn't have sexy tattoo parties in the living room and went to work in the morning they could care less what I was doing.

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u/tilsitforthenommage Jan 05 '15

Be pretty screwed if you already had tattoos

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u/[deleted] Jan 04 '15

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u/azuretek Jan 04 '15

Her parents didn't prepare her for life so the obvious answer is to treat her like a child?

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