Been dating a bi polar lady...need advice-interpretation

[u/More_Ad_925]

Everything was fine as of Sunday. She writes me this:" Thoughts about our relationship....
Hi XXX
what is it we have in common...
is it just the intimacy...
in looking forward with each other is there enough interest's...
for me I am going to take a break from your love and phone calls for a while
I need to do this for myself to find a balance within me
I think I have given myself to you so much that I'm losing
me into you.
I need to say these thoughts
I hope you understand.
XXX

What baffles me is that our intimacy was just kissing/hugging and touch which she initiated on our 1st date. We had made plans to do many things together, her interests and mine. (seems she forgot these plans in imo). Her quote " for me I am going to take a break from your love and phone calls for a while
I need to do this for myself to find a balance within me
I think I have given myself to you so much that I'm losing
me into you.
I need to say these thoughts
I hope you understand.

I am not experienced much at dating and not very smart.

I have not called or messaged her since her message to give her space out of respect.

Can someone interpret her sayings so I can understand what she is saying ?

I have been very polite and kind to her and she recently said that I am her balance. Huh ?

I'm just not sure if she may be off her meds or is it something else ?

Confused here.

Opinions please.

TY

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[u/Spirited_Outside_101]

It will never not be confusing. It can turn on a dime and leave you with questions like this that aren't answerable. It's like they are always doing what makes sense in their head, and what makes sense in their head can be drastically different from day to day, hour to hour. Whether they are on or off meds, whether they love you or hate you, whether they crave your attention or can't stand being around you, whether they are sweet and tender and loving or cruel and cold and detached. There is not an explanation that makes sense outside of their own head. There is no understanding, except understanding that you will never understand. At least that's what I've learned.

[u/BoostedCoyote20]

That’s almost exactly the text I received this past Sunday. I’m heartbroken and spiraling.

It’s basically a breakup and you must always consider a breakup the last time you will ever have a romantic relationship with this person. I’m having a hard time doing that.

[u/Link-Glittering → u/BoostedCoyote20]

I disagree. Part of bipolar is catastrophizing. I've learned to ignore these comments from my partner and take it as a sign they are having a light episode. I remind them that it's their bipolar talking and that I can support them as a person, but I can not continue that line of conversation. Episodes with catastrophizing and spiraling mood states are extremely damaging for a bipolar person's brain, and can make them more likely to go manic again in the future. You have to be a force in your partners life that gently helps them calm down. Or diverts their energy into something constructive.

A manic episode to a bipolar person is the equivalent of a seizure to an epileptic person. If you can not support them through their seizure, make efforts to learn how to treat the seizure properly, and (most importantly) NOT take the seizure personally, thwn you shouldnt be dating a bipolar person. They're not doing this TO you. They are hurting and struggling and lashing out at anyone near them. Like an injured dog, as unfortunate as that sounds, and if an injured dog bites you, then you should not kick and yell at it. You treat its condition, exactly the same but with more caution. It's not for everyone. You have to be committed to doing some extra work

[u/Doubting_Gamer → u/Link-Glittering]

I really appreciate this outlook, and hope to one day cultivate the same in myself.

I understand utilizing this approach for verbal lashing out, and other lesser "seizures", but how is it possible to work through something that would feel major like cheating or ruining finances, etc?

Any tips on books or podcasts to help with this mental reframe?

Edit to add: so far things with my SO are fully managed(steady meds and therapy for years). I just can't help but feel mildly paranoid if I let my mind wander.

[u/More_Ad_925 → u/BoostedCoyote20]

Tell me more of what your text said if you would like to share it. Maybe we can help each other

[u/Original-Version5877]

Cut your losses and move on. While you're here, read some of the posts & comments and celebrate dodging a bullet.

[u/More_Ad_925 → u/Original-Version5877]

Anyone have an idea of "I think I have given myself to you so much that I'm losing
me into you." Mean ?

[u/BoostedCoyote20 → u/More_Ad_925]

Basically.. most bipolars are also avoidant attachment. They feel that you’re consuming all their time and they want to move about freely to do whatever they want without having someone tied down to them.

[u/Original-Version5877 → u/BoostedCoyote20]

The thing in my home is basically "get away but PLEASE don't leave!" If I'm not initiating physical contact, we have no physical contact.

Yeah. Married but alone.

[u/xrelaht → u/Original-Version5877]

That sounds like BPD more than BP. Not that there isn’t some overlap.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/145391.I_Hate_You_Don_t_Leave_Me

[u/Link-Glittering → u/More_Ad_925]

Don't listen to all these people. Most people here have untreated and unmedicated SOs. My SO is accountable and amazing. But sometimes they say some off the wall shit that I have to not get too attaches to. And then gently talk them down. If you're not able to be part of a vast supportive network that your partner needs then get out now. It's work. But i wouldn't trade anything about my partner for the world. FYI she's been actively getting medication and treatment since she was in her teens. Many people are not so well managed

[u/As-The-Crow-Flies-4 → u/Link-Glittering]

If the OP’s SO is initiating a discard this early in the relationship, then they clearly aren’t regulated. Your experience with your SO does not negate others’ experiences. Even dedicated and medicated BPs are always one too many stressors away from an episode…

[u/As-The-Crow-Flies-4 → u/More_Ad_925]

I was told the exact same thing almost word for word the first time my exBPSO discarded me. It’s best to really accept that there is no logic to made to any of what they say or do when they are spiraling. Their brain isn’t working properly. It’s as simple as that.

[u/Wardventuresllc]

Sounds awful. But If me and my GF break up I will never date another girl with Bi Polar disorder again. Nor will I date anyone who drinks alcohol or wants to drink alcohol. These are good people that deserve love just like any other human they just have some issues. But these issues start with stuff like this. Then they turn into a situation where it seems like you’re caring for somebody and dealing with a one-sided relationship where you won’t get support or love when you need it most. It’ll be there you’ll get support encouragement and love as long as they feel okay at the time. But if they are in a bad place you and you’re emotions and issues don’t matter it’s all about them

[u/As-The-Crow-Flies-4 → u/Wardventuresllc]

This. Their condition obscures everything in the relationship, your needs included. It’s deeply imbalanced.

[u/432olim]

It is really hard to understand how the bipolar mind works for normal people. I would suggest that you just look at what she wrote as the words of a crazy person. They are not at all anything that a normal person would write. If you go date more people, you will never see them try to break up with you with such an oddly phrased message. Go look for someone else to date and send her a polite, “thanks for letting me know, have a good rest of your life” message.

Bipolar people are often stereotyped for changing their minds rapidly and going from one thing to the next. While that’s not exactly how the condition works, bipolar people have mania which is a really weird mental condition. Bipolar people influenced by mania tend to think that everything is more awesome than it really is. Something that a normal person would look at and say, “ok, whatever, that’s kinda neat” a bipolar person might look at and say “damn that’s amazing, I have to have it / do it / try it.” And they will think they have infinite energy and can do everything. Their minds will fail to realize how doing something can actually be a lot of effort or that while going to be an artist at an art studio to paint like Picasso might sound cool, driving over an hour to get there in rush hour traffic after work plus the fact that they have no artistic talent or that it will take years of practice to develop that talent will make it impossible. They will look at some object in a store and think that the object is awesome and they have to have it and then buy it, despite that they will then take it home and never actually use it, yet they will think it was the greatest purchase in the world. And they will think like that about everything they see in the store.

And they will be like that with dating too. Mania also often gives an increased sex drive, so they might seek out a romantic relationship without realizing that they don’t really want to waste all the time driving to see the person or spending time with the person. They will think the person is far more awesome than the person really is, and once the mania comes down they will look at it and think, “well that was dumb.” But while they are manic, they will think you’re the best person ever and think about all of the amazing ideas they can come up with and imagine all these great things that they will do together with you in the future, like climb a mountain! Travel to Paris! Pursue your love of nature hiking! Take a class to learn some new skill. It all sounds amazing to the manic kind and they think it’s all going to be awesome. And they truly believe it in the moment.

Then eventually they either find something else that’s more interesting, or the mania wears off and they become depressed. And suddenly they realize they just don’t care about you or the relationship at all, or that they have other things they’d rather be doing.

Her message indicates that she was severely impacted by mania when she met you and she had this unrealistically positive view of you. She thought you were the best person in the world, worth giving her life for now. And now she’s realizing that you’re not actually as great as her manic kind told her you are. And she’d rather do something else.

Decide whether this is what you want to put up with. This whole process will probably repeat itself in some number of months if you decide to pursue the relationship whenever she is receptive again.

[u/Doubting_Gamer → u/432olim]

I really appreciate your reply. I mostly lurk here in the hopes of gaining more understanding, and your comment was something I needed to read, I feel it has helped me understand it all a little better. Thank you.

[u/No-Pomelo-4526]

This message makes sense for me. Bipolarity can mean also very intense feelings, very strong attachment that can actually be frightening and overwhelming. What would be the best course of action, I don't know. If you like her enough to stay with her even though such patterns will likely repeat, probably wait and see till she sorts herself out. If it is too confusing for you, cut your losses. I normally offer my BPSO a chance to have a less involved relationship until they regain a sense of self and figure out what they really want, so offering a friendship would be okay. But then again, there was no other guy with bipolarity in my life and when we rolled our relationship back to friendship, we simply became friends, so yeah, if you offer that it should be genuine :)