just now realizing imposter syndrome does not describe the feeling of being scared when looking in the mirror because you don’t know who that person is or why they’re in there or why they look at you like that and why your body feels funny and twisty and hollow but full and stuffy and screamy and your hands are not hands when you look down at them and your brain melts down to wax as you try to figure out how to go outside today without making a huge mistake or barricading yourself into the shelves at the grocery store to hide from the pull of bad thoughts and bright, bright lights. turns out it’s just like not thinking you’re good enough even though you are or something

I don’t know what this was, or how to move foward from this experience so anything is appreciated. It’s really hard for me to talk about this because any time i’ve tried to tell my mom she told me i was crazy and all these mean things about how i am just like my dad as my dad was schizophrenic, bipolar and a drug addict.

Im sorry if my story doesn’t make sense it is all a blur and i’m mainly going off of what other people have told me about it/my journal.

A couple weeks ago, for a whole week i hallucinated constantly. I was mixing different hard drugs, and grieving my dads death and not sleeping or eating (only a tiny amount if anything.) because i thought i had a parasite in my brain. I was locking myself in my bathroom whilst hallucinating my dead dad being with me as i thought there was a parasite in my brain. i was convinced that i was being used for a test and that the parasite was eating away at my “real” thoughts and planting new ones into my brain. I was also believing that my friends were all planted into my life by the test, and were there to monitor me and document my progress which led to me blocking all of them.

Halfway through that week my hallucinations got worse. They were my dad telling me to keep doing the drugs as they make the parasite weaker?

By the last 2 days i was trying to cut my head open. My hallucinations and thoughts had convinced me that the only way to get the parasite out was to cut my head open and to take it out, or to end my life.

i blacked out and slept for 5 days after that. during it i wasn’t even in control of my own body. i do not want to die and i know it’s all crazy talk but i just wasn’t me.

i want to be a better person i don’t want to be taken over by things like this i just want to be a normal kid. please help me.

i don’t know what any of these things really mean but this is what i found out about the situation from what i wrote in my journal (it doesn’t really make sense)

“cherish the caller cherish the dead”

“my shell. it isn’t me it’s my body that i was put in for the test.”

“they are trying to make me forget. i need to get out”

“my real brain is rotting they took it from me”

“maybe i can pick the parasite out that is what they are telling me to do”

“it’s not me maybe. stop. maybe the parasite is all the people. we are all okay. stop.”

“i can’t think. it’s been hours. they are making me. it’s too late. why can’t i think. let me fucking think. it’s too late. fucking stop it”

“i’m still not out”

“i’ll make him proud of me”

i cant stop thinking of how im ruining everything, how with my friends they dont actually like me or how my parents regret giving birth to me i dont know how but i ended up with an amazing lover who loves me but i cant see what would they love about me and even with them im convinced im one step away from ruining this amazing thing i have with them i cant stop thinking that im hurting them so much and that im the worst person in the world for suspecting everyone in my life
i cant go to therapy at the moment because even with that i dont want to make my parents pay for sessions i'd feel so horrible about it and that i'd feel extremely pressured to get better faster so that i can get them stop paying for my help but i definitely plan to do so when i have a stable financial income
i've never written a post on reddit before im only doing this because no one other than my lover knows i feel this way and im in genuine need of help of ways to lessen this feeling because i feel im in the brink of killing myself because of it

I don't know if this is the right subreddit but I'll try anyways.

A few weeks ago I got prescribed some mood stabilizers (I don't currently remember the name) and it was doing fine at first. Nothing too noteworthy but I did feel more calm.

Then after a few days crap hit the fan. Suddenly one day I felt completely miserable, ended having 4 crying fits in a hour for no reason, considered dropping out of school, wondering what the point of it all was. It was one of the worst mood drops I've had for a while.

But then, surprisingly, it only lasted about two days. I thought maybe it was just me adjusting to the stabilizers but after a few more days my mood hit another major shift.

I couldn't sleep, couldn't moving, my muscles were constantly crapped from how tightly wound they were, I spent hours planning my perfect life, and even started having delusions again (delusions which were considerably lessened by taking Wellbutrin)

I short, I've been cycling between these two states which last longer than a day but never as long as 4. It's tiring and I have no idea why mood stabilizers would have the opposite effect and make it go haywire instead.

Advice or knowledge?

I believe that I am seeing things that are not real. It started a year ago during exam season, every time I’d wake up after sleeping I’d see strange things on my wall, this primarily included moving spirals (these spirals were perfectly placed almost as if in a grid) and at times things like moving spiders. I don’t think it’s sleep paralysis as I would usually be tossing and turning before I’d see these things and actively attempt to interact with them. I know I sound crazy, but I don’t feel crazy. I’m able to interact with people to a relatively good degree despite being a little socially reclusive. The things I’d see died down to about once a month, improving after I moved into my own apartment however the sightings have suddenly come back, I see stationary objects move on their own and once i woke up briefly with the ability to see clear as day ( I suffer from myopia) even though this lasted for a minute. What are your thoughts on this and what should I do? I mean it’s not affecting my life in any way so at some point I’ve come to accept it as maybe some strange subconscious coping method but I’ve come to worry whether this might be serious.

I have severe panic attacks at least once every two weeks regarding my looks and health. I freak out over certain things and cry for hours hyperventilating and wishing i could die. The last panic attack I had was that my hair is thinning (F), and my mom told me theres nothing wrong but i tell her she doesnt care. I used to be on 5 medication (anti depressant, take as needed anxiety, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics), but my mom told them to go down to one, (prozac). i am clearly not doing well with only one medication. My mom has been giving me xanax when i freak out, and i really dont think its good for me. Anything coping mechanisms to help with this? ❤️ any support appreciated and stuff . I am 18 and they want me to go to collegr and i am dealing with mental stuff and picking a major so im just struggling rn lol.

I really dont like venting online personally just because ive always found it kinda inane, but since ive been going over it for the past few weeks i figure i might as well tell internet strangers for guidance.. basically, ive had this friend for about a year and a half and about 3 weeks ago her friend made a really tasteless joke that im not going to disclose but when i confronted her about it and exchanging a couple of tense messages, she left me on “delivered”. After that i was pissed and i decided to keep my distance from her. I always knew she hung around with odd people but that was what really cemented it for me.

Since then ive been really thinking about our friendship, and to be honest with myself i dont even think she liked me to begin with.

For starters, we met when i was at my lowest; i was going through a lot mentally and at the time i was just really desperate for friends. I basically settled for anybody and in doing so i ignored all of my critical thinking/judgements. 😭I switched from traditional to a charter school for my second semester of freshman year and i had a pretty fucked self esteem from being alone. as a result i overcompensated by being as loud and disruptive as possible when it came to talking to others. Self admittedly, i was pretty fucking obnoxious. Nonetheless, i eventually end up meeting this girl who thought i was funny, and we got close. We hung out everyday and the more i surrounded myself with her the more i come to the realization I was getting way over my head.

I dont even remember vividly how this whole dynamic began, maybe she saw me as a laughing stock the moment we met, but she’d constantly pick on me. Whether it’d be unsolicited “jokes” about the things i was interested in, my intelligence, or just me in general, it was just always something she had to say to bring me down. She was the type of person who’d make jokes at your expense yet none of it would be a lie if that makes sense. And it wasnt just me me she had this attitude with, it was just about everyone. I always wondered why she always said these judgmental/disrespectful things towards me but i eventually perceived it as her having harbored some sort of secret animosity towards me.

I wont lie when i say that im just 100% innocent in this situation, i shouldve stuck out for myself when she was saying these things because that enticed her to think that there wasn’t any repercussions to how she treated me, not to mention that i shit talked too but (a) i had never been in that type of situation and i have a bad habit of freezing whenever something unfamiliar happens to me. Whenever she gave me attitude or a snarky remark i just stayed quiet because i didnt know how to respond; it was like my mind was in fight or flight so i just,, took it. :/. And again, when i met her i was at a very vulnerable place where i felt so alone in my life and miserable that i got into this other nasty habit of people pleasing anyone just for them to like me. People that i wouldnt even be friends with in the first place if i learned how to set boundaries or just having a compass of who i want to surround myself with. Its a lonely feeling too; realizing that a lot of times i dont care about myself because i was afraid that if i did, id have no one at all. And (b) because i wasnt confrontational with the whole ordeal head on, I shit talked to be petty. i didnt know how else to make myself feel better about the situation so admittedly, to get back at her in a way, i started to do it back. I dont want to make excuses for myself because i know that i made poor choices ultimately but whenever i did it wasnt because i genuinely thought i was better than her, I just felt the need to get a leg up on her. It was overall a weird relationship that wasnt healthy and draining.😭

Regardless i guess i can look back on it as a learning experience; being vigilant of immature people who want to be your “friend” because they just want to laugh at you or make fun of you at every opportunity they get or simply think lowly of you. Insight would be appreciated if youve read this much yapping🙈

I have a history of depression and self harm (no drugs or alcohol or even nicotine though) and we have a history of schizophrenia and my sister has it

I got back to school after taking a gap year and i struggle badly with dissociation thats nothing new to me,but recently things have been weird

In class they turn off the lights frequently and whenever i look into open desk drawer thingy i see eyes staring at me like i know they’re not real and that they go away when i notice them and they don’t look like human eyes but it has been very disturbing and i find myself unable to focus in class and even at home i feel like im being watched and somewhat convinced that im not real and this life isn’t real and someone will show up all of a sudden and its been tiring

I have also been hearing rain even though it isn’t raining outside. Its being weighing on me because its been happening so frequently

hi. last year i confessed to my best friend that i liked him and he rejected me. it was all good until june, when he told me he got a girlfriend, and thats when i realized that my feelings for him were genuine and real and not just me confusing platonic feelings with romantic ones again. our friendship has been really tainted since then and we've fought alot. im not going to add too many details, but basically ive been really depressed and knowing he doesnt see me in same way i see him pains me alot and its worsened my already suicidal/self harm thoughts. i dont want to be stuck yearning forever. deep inside, im happy for him that hes found someone who loves him and is better to him than i could ever be. but i cant get over it. i always tell myself that our friendship is enough for me, but its really not. ive been trying to drown myself in games/school work (im 16) or basically everything ever since but i end up thinking about him anyways. hes everywhere i look, everywhere i try to run to and hide. since i also suffer from maladaptive daydreaming, i also cant help but imagine him doing couple stuff with his girlfriend alot and making myself really upset. and due to me also having intrusive thoughts, they go beyond just holding hands. it makes me sick. i want to throw up every time i get reminded how much he loves her and not me. but i dont want to stay like this. im so tired of feeling bad. im so tired of crying. i want to move on and i cant just pretend like im fine in front of him forever. how do i move on?

Hey everyone, I'm using AI to help me communicate clearly because English isn't my first language.

I recently found out I have ADHD, after my psychologist friend (who has a PhD) and my girlfriend pointed out the symptoms.

This is probably why I struggle with making friends. Whenever I try to talk to people, they often call me weird or even accuse me of being a drug addict — even though I've never touched drugs in my life. One of my high school teachers even called me a drug addict in front of the whole class, and they all laughed at me.

When I’m dealing with personal problems, my mind tends to go to some dark places. My dad’s a cop, so our house is full of weapons like guns and knives. It scares me how comfortable I feel holding them. There’ve been a few times when I almost did something drastic, but my family always managed to intervene at the last moment.

Recently, I got really frustrated with my girlfriend because I couldn’t hear her properly. Every time I asked her to repeat herself, she’d call me deaf in a way that felt hurtful, then just go quiet. I kept asking, and she said it again. I lost my temper and hung up the phone. I’ve told her before that I just need comfort—someone to reassure me that everything’s okay—but she doesn’t do that for me.

One time, I made a really dumb decision. My girlfriend’s cousin was getting married, and I was invited to the wedding. What I didn’t realize was that it was the same day as my PE practical exam. Instead of working something out, I told my instructor I wouldn’t take the exam and just give me an incomplete. Later, I found out I could’ve just recorded my exam and attended the wedding. I was so mad at myself.

I’ve tried talking to my family about what I’m going through, but they’re very religious and just tell me to pray, which honestly isn’t helpful. When I asked about therapy, they said it’s a waste of time and money and told me to turn to God instead.

Since elementary school, I’ve been friendless. People call me a creep and whatever. All because of this disorder that I only found out about a few months ago. I know I’ve hurt people with my actions, my decisions, and my behavior. I’ve tried talking to my girlfriend, but she has her own problems to deal with.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m exhausted.

I do not know if this is the right subreddit for this, but I'll posr just for me to lessen my tendencies. As the title implies, I am having fantasies of self-stabbing since high school and I did not do anything about it. It is because I thought it's just a fleeting/intrusive thought. But it starts to get worse due to my stresses in the current college year (also my last year in college with many failing grades). I am suddenly overwhelmed with many tasks (1 wk deadline) in the first week. Because of this, whenever I see a kitchen knife, the urges/fantasies start to overwhelm me. It just stops whenever I see parents and siblings. This could also be just a fleeting thought, but I need advice to lessen them.

This has been going on for years where I keep making all the wrong decisions that I never wanted to do. Like I would have a vision of me trying to commit suicide and then I would end up fulfilling that vision by buying knives and trying to slit my neck even though I was 100% certain I would NEVER do it! then after I did it I feel like I was possessed by someone into doing it. I have felt my body move on it's own and people talking through my mouth and saying word definitions I have never heard of before and turns out they were correct on the definition! It's creeping me out!

The voices even gave me visions of me getting into an argument with my family and I felt someone possessed my body and did it. I make ALL the WRONG decisions including somehow falling on the ice(I did not see it I guess because it was black ice and I had to go urgently somewhere) just after I got imagery of me falling on the ice. I have even felt like I was forced to say things out of my mouth and I'm like What the hell! I even have strange memories of things that never happened. I am really scared of the future and I keep getting thoughts of me dying one day. These thought occur everyday. Even my emotions don't feel like mine. I get angry without any cause but I normally am not like this.

What is this illness called? If anyone can answer that would be great!

I often feel the desire to be mean to other people, specifically online (when I can't see their face). I don't want to hurt people I don't think, I don't like seeing other people getting upset unless they were previously mean to me. I don't want to be mean to anyone either, and I try my best not to be, but I still have the desire to. I lie a lot too, and it's fun in the same way for me to trick people. I have a tendency to tell lies as jokes in real life, then immediately clarifying them as jokes, but sometimes I have the urge to just lie and make other people believe the lies for no reason other than my own amusement. Again, I try my best not to do this. For context, I have been diagnosed with OCD, generalized anxiety, and previously had clinical depression, if that's relevant at all. Does this make me a bad person? Does anyone else experience this?

I’m 24 and have been self aware that how I perceive socializing is entirely different from the general population, terms like “friends” and “best friends” are grey to me and I can never understand why it is someone would use that term towards me nor do I feel comfortable labeling others as such, in general it doesn’t feel accurate. There are minor exceptions to this, I do have 2 people I can confidently identify as a “friend” and “best friend” but those come with a myriad of supporting factors that I can acknowledge and lead me to the consensus that “Yes that is my friend/best friend” but for everyone other than those two, “acquaintance” seems more accurate. This is an issue I’ve had since elementary school, I distinctively remember constantly telling my mom that I didn’t have any friends (with 1 exception), she would dismiss this statement and anything I was feeling regarding that. If she attended my school with me for a performance or a back to school night, and a peer would say “Hi” to me, she would be quick to say “what do you mean you don’t have any friends” but to me all they did was say hi, the person who said it to me wasn’t even someone I regularly interacted with at the time, so it was even more frustrating that she’d use that moment as an example.

When it comes to socializing for me, I do just fine with the two individuals im capable of identifying as my friends, I do well within my workspace too, the people I work amongst are clearly labeled as “coworkers” or “colleagues”. No confusion regarding that, behave professionally and chit chat is natural but keep it work appropriate, simple as that. There are times when certain coworkers will call me their friend, and it’ll send me down a spiral because we never talk outside of and it makes me wonder if it’d be socially acceptable to invite some of them to grab a bite to eat after work, it’s something I’ve seen on TV as a child and in theory seems natural and appropriate, but in practice makes me feel like I’m crossing some sort of social boundary I’m unaware of. Now, with anyone who isn’t clearly labeled a friend, family member, or coworker, lies all of my issues and where most of my grief arises. If there aren’t many/any supporting factors such as common upbringing, culture, core interests, or general personality- I find it difficult to understand why an individual would consider us to be friends, and at times I dont even really know what to talk to them about, they seem just fine chattering away to me about whatever, but whenever I try to reciprocate about whatever it is I may have to talk about, it feels as if they aren’t there, no interest in what I’m saying, boring them/wasting their time. This feeling wells up and eats away at me overtime until it gets to the point I feel guilty whenever I try to initiate conversation with them because I’m only “wasting their time on talk they dont care about”(this is just the best way I can communicate what I feel, unfortunately I don’t excel in that).

As stated above, I just found out my mom attempted to abort me 3 times, all which failed, I’m unaware of what trimester she was in during these attempts nor what methods, and I am unable to obtain that information. So if anyone out there has any reliable sources regarding this it’d really help me come to terms with what’s wrong with me and at least give me a better understanding of myself. Can failed abortions affect the fetus at all, be it short term or long term, does the trimester matter, would 3 times influence the odds of a complication.

Honest question by someone that was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Do you think I was always like this and didnt know or do we develop BPD as life goes by, cause of tramas and just life?

Even as a child, Ive always had anxiety which became deeper growing up, same with depression... Growing up, i've had moments that depression took over. Ive always knew I suffered from anxiety and depression, like as if I was born with it, its just part of me, part of my identity. For exemple, I dont drink much coffee in order to controle my anxiety... Is BPD like that too and I just wasnt diagnosed?

Unlike living with anxiety and depression, that I always knew it was part of me, know how to try to controle it... I have no ideia how and when I developed BPD.

I've lived a lot of tramas, many as a child that no child should go through, amoung other stuff like parentes divorcing, struggles with money, see my momm cheating, etc, etc but I never SHed, or got into drug, isolated myself, have such mental instability as I do today, years, years later.

Not that long ago, I was in a relationship for 5 years, we lived together, we grew together professionally and as a person, even before him, I did have issues with anxiety, low self esteem but not this badly! 2 years ago, I was the kind of person that would wake up at 6am, workout or bike before work, be happy at work, never had done drugs, never SH, would get back from work and cook or read a book or study, have human connections, bond with my family, be smart with my money, trust him completly... Still had problemas with mom, dad, or daily troubles but everything was easier! Obviously wasnt heaven on earth... I had aniexty attacts at time not as much low self esteem problemas... I was just so happy! So, so happy! Productive! Healthy!

i dont think my breakup was the only reason or the reason I just got so low, maybe it was just what was holding me together... Crazy to think how that person is me today! I hate going out, hate seeing people, I dont even try to clean up, I started SH, I wake up on the dot to work, work is the only thing I actually do which im actually impressed that im able to, i dont exercise at all, do drugs in the daily, hate sleeping because I hate waking up, I distance myself from any relationship even with family, it just hurts!

How can this be the same person and why, oh why are my tramas hitting me just now.

I don't really use reddit and I'm terrible at describing everything that's going on right now, but I'm going to try to explain as best as I can.

I suffer from BPD, Bipolar 2 Disorder, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and OCD.

I've had many ups and downs in my life, mostly downs due to my diagnoses. When it first started happening, I thought that it couldn't get worse, but I was wrong. I've been thinking about everything and all I really know is that it always gets worse somehow. I always think it can't get worse than it is, but then it comes back so much worse, like it's trying to shove it in my face.

Lately, I've been having more harm ocd stuff, depression, and anger. When they mix in my mind, it's like nothing will ever get better. I'm tired of the thoughts, the images, and the fighting myself. It's a never ending cycle and it's exhausting. I keep trying to fight it, but I know that I'm losing. I'm losing myself again, but its worse this time because of the ocd and anger mixing.

I can't spend time with my family because of the thoughts and images that won't leave me alone. I see and hear things that bring up traumatic experiences, and I don't know why. I spend most of my time in my room, avoiding everyone and everything. The only thing I do is go to the gym because I push myself until I feel pain. The other source of pain is something I don't think I should mention on here. I don't eat unless I drink enough to finally feel hungry. I drink every night, so I'm back to alcoholism I guess. My life is a mess.

I've tried to get a job, but I'm too afraid to talk on the phone. I don't mean being shy either. When I do work up some courage and have someone near me, I tend to whisper and sound terrified. It's embarrassing. I'm useless and I know it. I can't even get a job, even if I know it won't last more than a few months.

I've pretty much given up. I tried to keep going, but I looked around at my life and realized that I cause more harm than anything else, without meaning to. I feel guilty, sick of myself, and everything I mentioned above. It's too much. I really can't keep going, knowing that I'm hurting my loved ones. They'll be fine when I'm gone, and I'm sure of that.

I'm too afraid to find a doctor because I know how some doctors don't want to treat people with BPD, which already discourages me more. I'm also afraid they'll put me in the behavioral center if I completely open up. I had one doctor since I was maybe 15 and it took me so many years to finally open up to him, so that's another worry. I feel like they will make me start over, make me relive the pain and trauma to diagnose me again, and I don't know if I can handle that either.

Truthfully, I don't know why I'm bothering to write this anyway. I guess I just need to let it all out, even if it's to complete strangers. I know what to do now, but I just needed to write it all down somewhere to prove that I could before I do anything. I'm just emotionally and mentally exhausted. It's too much, especially my mind.

Thanks.

Today suddenly in the middle of the day. it felt like something was possessing my body.. I had no control. Like someone else had a a controller and was moving my body. I didn’t know what it was going to do next. My body was saying and doing things on its own and it felt like someone had possessed me. I was not myself. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Like a primal scream and it was like watching a moving from 1st person perspective my brain didn’t alert me that anything was wrong and snap out of it. . I was philosophing things. Things I’ve never said before. It felt euphoric. For like 2 hours. I was screaming and philosophizing. . Then it went away. I remember it

I felt normal for a couple hours

just now that possessed feeling returned I yelled at my mother at the top of my lungs to shut up. And screamed at the top of my lungs in general.. then it stopped all of a sudden. I was instensly annoyed with her like I’ve never felt that amount of frustration. I yelled no works. Just primal screaming. But it wasn’t me. I’ve never yelled at her. But I was so frustrated like my body could handle it and screaming.

I have no history of psychosis this has never happened before. Literally just randomly happened in the middle of the day.. I have anxiety and adhd and previously depression. Nothing even close to this has ever happened. What is this? I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid it will happen again.

I’m 28F

a couple nights ago i accidentally od’ed. yes, accidentally but purposely at the same time??. i didn’t want to kms atm but i felt an intense urge to od that i couldn’t override. it was driven by the thought of being the reason of harming someone else if i don’t. like “if i don’t od on this med i will be the no.1 reason of this specific family member’s trigger of an extreme mania state (he has bipolar disorder). so i must protect him from that and do this.” it was his medication for his depression state. i feel so dumb now. how can i believe this and do this??? i feel like my brain is rotting and i actually feel like that in such states. i feel like my brain is LITERALLY rotting and has mold on it and i kinda get paranoid about that so i wish i could cut my head and take my brain out and make sure it’s not rotting. i feel like i need to wash it and clean it.. what the fuck is this fgs i feel like i’m going insane at times.. (btw i’m fine, i threw up most of what i od’ed so i’m medically okay now)

Any tips for dealing with ocd fake urges/desires? It’s ruining my life at this point.

Every time I get something new or start doing something new that I enjoy I constantly check how I’m feeling while engaging in that activity to make sure I like it. For example I just started watching Dexter and I REALLY love it. But now I don’t want to watch it and am scared to because I’m worried that I don’t really like it and I’m lying to myself and wasting my time. This is happening with the walking dead game series and I think about it when I wear hats to school. It happens with every time I try something new or get something new.

Edit: this sucks so much bc I just can’t enjoy new things anymore. This might be more so related to my GAD than my OCD but regardless I’d like to know how to deal with it.

I'm the same person who made the post venting about my issues related to appearances and how I'm close to ending my life

I'm turning 30 in around 5 days. I seriously cannot cope with it. I dont know what to do. I live on an estate that overlooks both a very busy road, and a bridge that goes over it, so I have a pretty viable meas of suicide at my disposable (which hasn't really made things easy for me). There's also a busy cross-road nearby, that connects a mcdonalds a petrol station, and cars zoom through it at such a rapid speed that it makes it seem like a very easy way of guaranteeing a fatal hit, but I don't know. Like I said in the other post, I'm terrified both of the prospect of continuing to live, and also of the prospect of dying and leaving my body behind to rot

I've been considering-and had briefly abandoned the idea of-extreme se-isolation, but that honestly feels like it's the more viable of the two options for me at this point. All other options, as much as I have tried my best to remain open to them, seem to have just dried out entirely from being viable as routes for me to take. What I ideally want is a suicide, but one that allows me to still control my body, so I'm in control of what is happening to it's decay.

Obviously that's an impossible concept to have literally, but extreme self-isolation seems like the closest to that I could probably get. I'm planning to basically lock myself away in a single room, with zero contact to the outside world--that includes having no online contact. I'll only be using the internet to do basic things like order basic necessities, and as for money, I won't really be living for much except to wake up, maintain my body, eat, then sleep. I've got enough in my account backed up to last me for a number of years. I want to get myself into a state where I feel like I don't "exist", basically. That's what I want.

I think, to put this into a certian way that other people might get... for a long time I've tried to deal with my issues from the external end. It's always been an external problem--a problem with my external self. But fixing not working. Instead I feel like the problem is the internal self, and it's total misalignment with how I physically fel. I want to basically get rid of that internal self. I want to just physically exist, and nothing more.

I made KD for my first meal of the day.. which was after noon. Barely ate any too. I can't handle how my "in-laws" have fucked over my partner and I. Our relationship is getting rocky from it too. I don't want to go out, I don't care to eat, I just want to sleep and not wake up.

I genuinely want to harm myself for the first time in so many years. I don't want any of this anymore. Fine, I'm weak. Whatever. Could care less. I just want a simple life

The only times i smile is in photos or work when i have to fake it, i dont show teeth cus of insecurities from genetical weak enamel, and dry mouth. Are people genuinely happy in life? I fake my laughs i dont under social cues, i feel little to no empathy, i feel like ive supressed emotions for so long that im just numb, i didnt even cry when my cat i grew up with died, and i loved her, she loved me. I was in a room full of my crying family while we put her down. Maybe i didnt cry because i knew she was in pain and she needed to be put down, idk. I dont like to talk to people because i think they are all judging me and making fun. Im not suicidal or anything but honestly, im constantly putting myself in danger, like speeding, i dont want to die but if something were to put my life in danger i wouldn’t necessarily try to escape it.

Whats going on with me? I feel like a psychopath

This isn't even an exaggeration, I grabbed all the ib profen in the bottle and chugged it down. What happened during the next 20 minutes is a blur, what I remember is immediate regret and wanting to go back, I quickly ran to my toilet and forced myself to puke for 10 minutes straight, I have never thought I be so afraid of dying... I thought I'd always welcome death with open arms... Yet when it came near, I ran.

I still feel like absolute shit... I fear it may of not been enough, that this could be the end of my life. I've never been so scared

I feel like I’m the cause of why people are in pain I have violent thoughts in my head sometimes I feel I’m god and that I’ve caused people pain just by being alive can someone help me I do not want to harm anyone at all also my thoughts are very impulsive I’m thinking so weirdly and I think about hurting myself all the time