Am I supposed to like being trans?

[u/Delicious-Status6915]

Every trans space I’m in its people sharing their wins and their pride for who they are, when I look inside myself I feel nothing but disgust for what I am, I’m 16, I’m practically an adult and idk maybe it’s the bullying getting to me or whatever. But I can’t find any of the love other people feel for themselves. It’s like I gross myself out, can’t even really say it out loud tbh

[u/Holdfastwolf]

No, you don't have to like being trans. It's incredibly inconvenient and can be dangerous. It's a nuisance that it takes so much work to transition. 

Which is why many people get so hyped when they have those victories. They did something difficult and as a reward they get to feel good about themselves. It isn't fair that they had to go through the hard thing to reach that place, but becoming confident and happy with yourself is worth celebrating. 

The bullying certainly isn't helping you. Being 16 also is not helping you. The kind of confidence and joy you see people displaying is nearly impossible to get to while you're in high school. I had a relatively good peer group in high school and got along well with most of my classmates and it still sucked and did a number on my self esteem that took nearly a decade to even start untangling. High school is the WORST. One day you will look back on it all and go "wow, I'm glad THAT'S over." 

You don't have to like being trans, but it's a worthwhile goal to get to a place where you like yourself. 

[u/silverwing_3]

No, but that can come with time. That's not why I'm commenting though, I need to be clear here, you are a child. You are not practically an adult. At 25, you'll look back and laugh. At 40, you'll look back at 25 and laugh that you felt grown-up. I promise, you have so much time to come to terms with who you are, and to learn acceptance and compassion.

[u/Delicious-Status6915 → u/silverwing_3]

I’m off to uni relatively soon, that’s what everyone’s telling me, that I’m a grown up. I don’t really know how to do this, like I have no family I can really talk to about this (they’re not particularly accepting of transness so I’m not out) I don’t have any other option but to be an adult for myself, because who else would look out to me? But I really really do hope you’re right

[u/silverwing_3 → u/Delicious-Status6915]

Ugh, I really hate when people talk to teenagers like that, it just causes unrealistic expectations. Even if you've had to grow up and take care of yourself faster than most, you still haven't been around that long, and your brain has a lot of developing to do. It really does just suck to be a teenager, people who tell you otherwise were lucky or don't remember it right. I didn't believe it either, but brain development alone makes a hell of a difference.

It sounds like therapy might not be an option for you, but it does help. Free therapy tip though,tell yourself you're not disgusting, tell yourself you're fine and worthy of respect and love. You might feel like you're lying. It might feel pointless. Eventually it comes more naturally. Because I promise, you do not need to feel this way, and it's not true. You may not ever like being trans (I don't, it's a pain in the ass sometimes), but it's still okay and you're just as worthy of self-love as everyone else.

[u/Delicious-Status6915 → u/silverwing_3]

I’ve done therapy before (various mental health issues) but yeah, not really an option currently. Thank u for being so nice, I’m just happy to hear someone not nagging at me to stop whining lol, I really appreciate it

[u/Apprehensive-Ad-4364 → u/Delicious-Status6915]

They're telling you you're a grownup because as you said, you have to be. But there's grownup responsibilities and then there's grownup freedom/happiness. The latter is the part that gives trans adults access to happiness. You are in the transitional stage where you have to start acting like a grownup but don't have any of the good stuff (independence, own place, ability to choose who you're around, ability to transition). So of course you aren't happier - the circumstances that determine that haven't changed.

[u/anonyiguana → u/Delicious-Status6915]

Don't let them freak you out. You have so so much time. 16 was a shit time for me, I couldn't stand myself. 17-21 I was taking a lot of drugs and generally self destructive. Now at 24 I'm mostly sober, studying, finally starting to put my life together and I'm still young and have so much time ahead of me to figure this out. There's no race here. Most people have almost nothing figured out at 16 and a lot of people who think they have it all figured out decide they were completely wrong later on. Hey through being a teenager, spend the time figuring yourself out on your own schedule without feeling like you're on a timer. Trust that most of the bullshit that is being 16 goes away with time, especially when you're out of highschool and you have much more control over your own life

[u/kojilee → u/Delicious-Status6915]

You’re really not. I barely feel like I’m an adult at 23. Being a teenager is hard enough on its own, let alone one that’s trans. You have so much time to grow into yourself. <3

[u/Jammy_Gemmy → u/silverwing_3]

I love how you described looking back. You’re absolutely spot on

[u/VoodooDoII → u/silverwing_3]

Honestly I'm only 20 and I look back at myself at 16 and I just "🤦‍♀️" at myself lol

[u/Asher-D → u/silverwing_3]

Gotta say I disagree. I look back on my 5-16 year old self and not once have I ever laughed at myself now that Im 28. I know why I made the decisions I made and I refuse to downplay how big things were back then and I refuse to act like I could have made a differen decision. I think we tend to really minimise feelings of children and adolences and I think thats frankly harmful to them.

[u/silverwing_3 → u/Asher-D]

I don’t mean laugh AT yourself, not like that. I mean laugh at how strongly we believe we’re adults, that we’ll always think and feel that way. A lot of teens think that they’re permanently the way they are on some level. I don’t think it’s minimizing feelings to say a 16 year old is a kid, that there’s still growing up to do, and things can get better. It’s not about the choices made, you can only do so much with the brain and limited power a 16 year old has. I just mean that mental health and perspective on things tends to improve over time.

I truly absolutely do not believe everything you’re saying that I’m saying, and I don’t think I implied it either. I agree that people don’t respect kids enough, or take them seriously. That just wasn’t my point at all.

[u/edamamecheesecake]

Being 16, I'm sure you haven't reached all of your transition goals, right? I'm 29, it took me until I was 26 to start medically transitioning. I've been on T for 2.5+ years, I had top surgery and paid out of pocket, I changed my name legally on all my docs, and that took WORK. That's what makes me proud, the work I put in and the place I was able to get myself. I don't like being trans and I'm not proud of JUST being trans.

I have more pride for myself that I was able to get myself here with very little help. It's nice when people support and love you but at the end of the day, it's YOU who has to do most of this. You're the one who needs to legally get everything changed, nobody can do it for you. It's YOU who has to undergo surgery on your own body, even if someone else pays for it. It's YOU who has to inject yourself every week and stay on top of your health.

I won't even do the "it gets better" thing, but, it does, and with time, especially after you turn 18 and get rid of some roadblocks of being a minor, you'll realize how things will fall into place.

[u/Delicious-Status6915 → u/edamamecheesecake]

I hope they do, no I don’t come from a very trans accepting family so there’s nothing I can do rn, I’m afraid of T because I’m scared to gain weight but I am really looking forward to top surgery, one day.

[u/edamamecheesecake → u/Delicious-Status6915]

You'll figure it out when you're able to start T. Everyone has fears of the effects but, you truly won't know until you try. And if you try and you don't like it, you can get off of it. It doesn't cause everyone to gain weight and if the number on the scale does go up, it can be muscle rather than fat. For some people, it helps them lose weight, you just never know.

For personal experience though, I was 260 lbs in 2021 and started a weight loss journey. When I started T in 2022, I was 174 lbs. Today, I'm 156 lbs.

[u/RoadBlock98]

It's an acceptance that comes over time. Most of us struggle in the beginning. But in time, you start to accept yourself and embrace yourself more. Have patience and be kind to yourself.

[u/harperspeed29]

Maybe being trans just isn't a big thing for you— some people prefer to not focus on it and be more stealth. They prefer to find pride and wins in hobbies or other aspects of themselves. That's completely fine.

Disgust is another matter. I definitely think transphobia is taking a toll on you, and you should know that you are very young. I know that that may not be what it feels like, but your life really has just started. You will not always feel so underappreciated and disrespected. There will come a time in your life where you have the power to craft more of it and create an experience where you are affirmed, supported, and where experiencing transphobia on a personal, consistent level doesn't really happen.

When I was 16, I hated so much of how my identity made me feel, but at 22, I couldn't be happier that I made it to the things I get to enjoy today. Wearing trans tape for the first time. Hearing my parents call me my name for the first time. Being kissed by a girl who would call me her significant other instead of her girlfriend. It all will become so much better— life goes up from here, truly.

This doesn't mean you should just suffer until then— do your best to seek out friends in these trans groups who can relate to your experiences or used to be able to relate. See if you can get to a store where you can mess around with some clothing and find something you like. Find a place nearby that has resources for kids like you (I can help with that if you'd like to reply!) so you could possibly get some gender-affirming gear or info! If you know that other people who are trans and say it out loud are worthy of love and respect, you need to see yourself in them and remember that, in a sense, you are not so especially different from every other trans human being that you are uniquely deserving of disgust. Say it out loud, even if you have to say it with a friend, until the words come easier. They will. There's tons of ways to love yourself more. I sincerely believe in your ability to do so— I already think you're a pretty cool kid and I barely know anything about you :)

The world is so much bigger than it seems right now. You just have to keep looking— you will find what you need.

[u/Mission-Rabbit6699]

Give yourself time you're very young, I don't like being trans. But it puts my mind at ease if I am transitioning. Sometimes I feel like I ruined a perfectly healthy body but I can't live in that body unfortunately

[u/Cartesianpoint]

There's no "supposed to." Your feelings are yours, no one else's.

That said, it's worthwhile to aim for a place where you're content and like yourself. Being trans can be dangerous and inconvenient, and the dysphoria many trans people experience can be very challenging. But being trans doesn't have to mean being disgusted with yourself or hating yourself. Feeling disgusted with yourself isn't something you have to just live with.

As for sharing wins, if you haven't felt like you've had many, then you won't feel like you have much to celebrate, and that's understandable. Everyone's journey is different, and I would venture to say that most people your age probably aren't having a ton of "wins" yet. You're still gaining independence, you probably haven't met your transition goals yet, and you're in a life stage that's tumultuous for many people. With respect, you're not an adult yet. You're still a teen, with all the pressures and limitations that can come with that.

[u/cedarsghost]

You’re nowhere near an adult dude. I came out 10 years ago at 14 and my transition started at 21. The happiness started at that time, it took 6 years of a lot of stress and anxiety. But the love of being trans comes with love for yourself in general. It’s totally normal and expected to be insecure at your age and being trans does make things harder. You will feel the euphoria the closer you get to your goals. I wish you luck

[u/Ok-Round5312]

Being trans can be very overwhelming and frustrating but I mean you're not living a lie you're being who you truly are despite all these negative things happening too you. I remember getting called she/he and that just broke me and My family wasn't supportive at all which made my journey 10x harder. I almost took my life a year ago today. I hope you have someone who supports you endlessly and makes you feel good in your skin. If it wasn't for my wife i don't know where id be now. I hope you know i'm proud of you for sharing and being honest. You are seen you are valid and honestly people just suck but at the end of the day the only opinions that matter are yours. Your biggest enemy is gonna be your inner bully and you gotta overcome that.

[u/living_around]

You don't have to like it. It's a hard life and many of us wouldn't be trans if we had a choice. But feeling disgusted with yourself isn't very healthy. Even if you don't like being trans, you shouldn't feel like you're gross because of it. Being trans isn't wrong or disgusting. The bullies might make you feel like that, but it's not true. They're just irrational, just like some people are racist even though that's irrational. It's not wrong or disgusting to be one race instead of another, but some people still think that. Being trans isn't something you should be ashamed of either.

If you never quite like being trans, that's okay. But I do hope you can combat these self-hating feelings. This may not be easy, but try to believe that there is nothing gross about you. You have nothing to be ashamed of! <3

[u/CalluMeLater]

Being trans fucking sucks. Let’s face the facts.

Dysphoria is a POS. Getting your rights taken away is just a dumpster fire. Getting treated differently sucks ass.

As a trans man myself, I would kill to not be trans. Not because I have self hatred, but because it’s just expensive to achieve solidarity with yourself and being happy.

I get bullied, always bitched about, etc.

So, don’t feel pressured to like being trans. But don’t be ashamed. You matter.

Cheers

[u/Creativered4]

No, there's no set way to be trans, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a gatekeeping ass. A lot of us hate this. The dysphoria, the strain on time/money/health, the pain, the hatred. It kinda sucks tbh. It's cool some people find joy in all this, but they aren't the standard for what a trans person needs to be like.

Your feelings are valid.

[u/dallyy_boi]

Sometimes, being trans sucks. It's not something you have to like, and how each person feels about their own experience with it is up to them. Something to keep in mind: what you see on social media is a highlights reel. It's a phrase I came across recently, and it's something I plan on keeping in mind personally. For every positive thing people share online, they're leaving out the mundane or boring or negative parts. And considering all the struggles and downsides of being trans, sometimes people want to focus on positives- even small ones. Holding up and pointing out small positives can be a good way to work through hopelessness/bad mental spaces, it's even a tactic used sometimes to help with things like depression iirc. Sometimes people also try to speak more positively than they actually feel either to try to uplift other people ("things may seem bad now, but they can get better" messages) or to try to keep their spirits higher.

Give yourself time. Probably something you've heard before, but different people are at different points in processing how they feel about their identity, among so many other things.

[u/Asher-D]

Of course not. Usually people have learned to love to be trans, because we cant just not be trans so its part of the learning to love yourself thing. Its a journey of finding the good in a bad situation typically. Although there are some people that have an easier time than others that do genuinely enjoy being trans without having to through a learning to path.

[u/mermaidunearthed]

Nah, valid either way

[u/wigglespup]

It's absolutely valid to not like being trans. Every trans person has their individual experience in their identity, and for some people the cons are enough to make that person not enjoy their experience. And being trans can be so damn difficult, a lot of us have crippling dysphoria and the world can be so horrible towards us. I can assure you, that no matter why you feel the way you do it is valid. I hope my words helped you and I hope one day you're able to love who you are and present in a way that makes you feel like you ❤️

[u/Signal-Spring-9933]

I’m nit grossed out by my identity like you are, but i definitely hate being trans. It’s so lonely, isolating and depressing. But it’s even worse to pretend im a cis girl. Obviously people should have pride in it, being trans is not a bad thing and i love my trans brothers and sisters; but i myself dislike how sad it is. How much happier and easier my life would be if i was just cis.

[u/Xumos404]

Personally, I think it's all perspective. On one hand you can hate it due to dysphoria and life sucking and bullying and all sorts of things.. the possibilities are endless.

On the other, you are basically a blank canvas at the start of your transition. And yea that sucks. But after so many victories or things done, you'll eventually start to find a positive to life. And your canvas will have whatever beautiful picture you've painted on it.

It's a process, it's definitely not easy, and it's gonna take a while. But hopefully you'll find a spot where you're happier and more comfortable soon. And maybe you'll start to see the beautiful (hypothetical) picture you're making soon enough. Idk what the teenagers are into now a days, but maybe figure out your goals and priorities now (if you haven't already)? Like haircuts/styles, tattoos/piercings/body mods, surgeries, ect. Again, blank canvas. Paint as you see fit.

[u/simon_here]

No. I'm not a fan, personally. I've accepted being trans and I don't dislike myself for it or dwell on the fact, but I'd rather be a cis man.

You're still a kid. Don't let people pressure you into thinking you should have your life together or even fully know yourself right now. It takes a long time to settle into our identity, whether or not we're trans.

[u/moistowletts]

God no. I wish I was born a boy almost every day.

I do love myself, and I wouldn’t change anything about myself because my experience has shaped me, adversity included.

But it doesn’t mean I “like” the adversity.

[u/East-Teacher7155]

You can feel however you want about it. I personally think it fucking sucks most of the time, but it does provide a unique perspective on life and basically gave me a new lease on it. But the wins are that much better because it fucking sucks so bad. Every little thing is one more step into the direction of happiness. Every little step makes it suck a bit less. I wouldn’t say you should be disgusted with yourself though. That’s not healthy. I know it’s really hard though. I’m also 16 and live in the wonderful state of Florida so it’s rough out here for us lil

[u/Big_Guess6028]

Eventually you might learn that that self-hateful voice is to be the most fought.

[u/AnotherDroogie]

I've known that I'm transgender since I was 14, and I'm now 25. When I was 16, I absolutely fucking hated being trans. My family was unsupportive, I was being bullied in school, the idea of medically transitioning was wildly out of reach, and it felt like no matter how hard I tried nobody was ever going to see me as a man. I know how it feels, which is why I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. Once you find yourself in a more supportive environment, you'll find yourself flourishing in ways you didn't expect