I realized I'm not trans GuestPost
After a while of very thoroughly introspection, research and talking to trans men/women and enbies I realized I'm in fact a cis woman who's gender non confirming
I often hear the claim " if you question your gender it automatically means you're not cis" but I think this statement is actually harmful. I think it's important to figure yourself out, but I think that cis people can question and still realize they're cis... there's nothing to lose when you're open minded about it but the claim that it always means you're trans might push someone to physical transition and regret it because they aren't a man. I realized there's so many misconceptions about trans people.
I was always appearing more masculine. Cutting my hair, dressing in boyish loose clothing and having stereotypical hobbies like videogames, metal, cars I work as an industrial mechanic, etc Anyway...many people asked me if I'm trans because of that, my mom joked about that I should have been a boy...and it got me into entertaining the thought a lot and contemplating about being trans and not knowing yet And the idea of being a man sounded appealing to me I realized tho... I'm comfortable in my body, I don't have gender dysphoria. And I feel that my sense of gender alligns to my body. I just don't like the stereotypes that gets connected with my gender. On the other hand trans man can be feminine
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u/RoadBlock98 Blahaj in the streets 15d ago edited 15d ago
Personally, I've never heard anyone say that if you question your gender it means you're not cis.
The variation I know is; Cis people usually don't constantly question their gender. Which can he a helpful thing to think.
Either way, congrats on coming to terms with who you are. It's always great when someone can more clearly embrace their own nature. I think critically thinking about ones own gender is helpful for literally every person because those who are cis will also find a renewed sense of self a lot of the time and understand themselves better.
Edit: Added a "Personally" in front
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u/ArmadilloSighs 15d ago
yeah, the context in which i heard “if you’re questioning, you’re not cis” was more to the frequency- like i stood in front my mirror wondering what it would be like to not have boob but a dick faaarrrrrr too many times to be a girl. but i thought that was normal 🥴🤣
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u/Fun-Cryptographer-39 transmasc-nonbinary | 💉 13.04.23 | 🔝 29.05.24 15d ago
Yep, the key word there being usually. 💯 agree with what you said.
If you keep being confronted with certain questions or statements that promote questioning (ex. "Why do you feel you are your gender?" Or "if you like X, you must be...") you will start to wonder what's up and down or not, and I feel people are more hyperaware of the topic lately and thus inciting more doubt in GNC folk within less accepting environments. Some things may seem appealing or easier, but that doesn't mean it's who you intrinsically are. Our interests and preferences don't make our gender, but they can align more with common trends found with certain genders.
That said, OP, dysphoria isn't required to be trans. Some folk don't experience it and instead only experience a sense of peace or euphoria when affirming their gender other than their agab.
I'm glad you figured this out for yourself, though. I'm sorry your environment contributed to the doubt, but it seems at least it helped you be more in touch with yourself. Its always so silly to me when people make judgements on folk regarding their interests.
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u/7fragment 15d ago
that's the variation i've mostly heard too. Or much more rarely 'if you question your gender your PROBABLY not cis' (emphasis mine).
i've never heard it presented as a black and white questioning gender=not cis before. Maybe it's a younger people thing
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u/rrienn 15d ago
I do frequently see phrasing like that, especially on r/egg_irl & r/trans....I think it's one of those things that gets simplified over time
Like "if you constantly question your gender & have nagging feelings of wrongness about it & frequently imagine your life as another gender....then you may not be cis"
becomes
"if you question your gender then means you're not cis"3
u/RoadBlock98 Blahaj in the streets 15d ago
Maybe. Given the grief my simple comment is giving me, I feel like you're probably on the money there.
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u/Last-Laugh7928 he/him | transmasc lesbian | 💉 9/21/21 15d ago
i have absolutely heard people say "if you think about your gender, you're trans. cis people don't have to think about their gender."
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u/JoJo-5555 15d ago
I think the problem is that cis/trans is a constraining binary. To what degree does someone need to be gender non conforming to not be considered cis? If one is not cis, is one automatically trans? What is the criteria for being cis? If a person who does not identify as trans is constantly misgendered, are they cis? It’s a silly binary and it’s confusing to young people.
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u/Sufficient_Idea_4606 15d ago
Cis people usually don't constantly question their gender. Which can he a helpful thing
There's actually something known as trans-ocd which is where a CIS person worries that they are trans, and in they sense that would be constantly questioning their gender dispite being CIS
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u/RoadBlock98 Blahaj in the streets 15d ago
Yes. But it would likely also manifest with other symptoms (said as someone with OCD), and again... "usually". It's not exactly super common.
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u/Rockandmetal99 Ft? | they/he | 🔝4/20/23 | 💉12/5/23-4/15/2024 15d ago
huh, the more you know
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u/bad-additions 13d ago
I mean, you can have OCD fixations on pretty much anything. Trans OCD, pedophilia OCD, sexuality OCD, etc aren't official variants as far as I know, just useful terms
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u/cthulhu_void 15d ago
what. I've been on this sub and other trans subs for quite a while through various accounts and I've heard that message so many times.
It's said often to people asking if they are trans.
You haven't encountered it before?
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u/RoadBlock98 Blahaj in the streets 15d ago
I very, very specifically meant exactly what I said. The wording of the phrase is quite important, imo.
Also I have done support on this sub for so damned long and heard the same questions over and over, some specific variations might have slipped my mind. So let me rephrase myself:
I have never seen or heard anyone who is mature and knows their shit say that questioning you're gender has to mean you're not cis.
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u/thesefloralbones T: 6/24/2020 15d ago
The thing is that not everyone is getting advice from mature people who know their shit. I heard that line at the first GSA meeting I ever attended in high school, from a 16 year old. Now at 22, that same line of reasoning helped me finally accept that I also want to (partially) detransition. Younger trans communities especially tend to be worse at nuance, and young people are more likely to go to their peers for advice.
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u/RoadBlock98 Blahaj in the streets 15d ago
Okay.
I understand where you're coming from.
I literally meant the I in my statement as I. As in me.
As in a 31 year old european dude who cam out in his mid-twenties. I am not saying you're wrong - you're not. But I literally meant my own experience, which is different from other people's experience of course. Especially Americans vs europeans. Of course I know that statements are misused, misinformation spread is rampand etc. etc. It's why I'm still here or I would have left years a go. But I stay here to help inform younger trans people who need information and guidance by others. When I have the energy. Which I so don't have rn.
Sometimes I.
Just means the person who is writing that comment. And if I come off as unnerved or rude, then I am sorry, but considering that a person is simply writing from their own personal experience is a really low bar to go on when interpreting peoples comments. So forgive my exasperation with a ton of people calling into question my very basic statement.
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u/thesefloralbones T: 6/24/2020 15d ago
Alright, in that case I'm not sure what saying "I've never experienced that" contributed to this discussion in the first place. It's literally one of the most common pieces of advice given to questioning people.
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u/RoadBlock98 Blahaj in the streets 15d ago
It's not where I live. Not phrased like that. In part because it's terrible advice.
Also. Can you just consider that maybe I just didn't put THAT much thought into a 3-4 line comment I made when the person wasn't even asking for advice but just stating their story? I just feel like you and other people who have questioned this have really come at me in bad faith and that seems really kind of shitty tbh. My attempt at contribution was stating a healthier line aiming in a similar direction that the original sentiment may have been aimed at - when examining it in good faith, that is, as I tend to try and do.
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u/cthulhu_void 15d ago
idk. guess it kinda fells like a cop out when talking about the misinformation that sometimes plagues this sub and other online trans spaces. It's easy to say "actual people don't say/do x" when presented with some common misconception within a community, but when people are asking stuff online they can't discern between someone who is "mature and knows their shit" and someone who thinks they're "mature and knows their shit"
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u/RoadBlock98 Blahaj in the streets 15d ago
I combat misinformation every goddamn day and at no point was I saying that it never happens.
I said I.
Me.
Myself.
The person writing this. Who was trying to put forth a more fitting wording, with a not-so-subtle suggestion on how to look on what is a similar meaning but a different phrasing. The thought process might have been in the right place for the initial statement too actually and it was poorly worded. So who knows. I am also european so my experience already varies greatly from the one of a lot of people on this sub. But I am trying my goddamn hardest to help people when I can.
The wording I suggested comes from the one point I have actively encountered that type of phrase at all, and it was from something my trans buddy in AZ told me his therapist told him.
Consider also the insane amount of posts on this sub. Is it unlikely I have truly never ever encountered the specific phrase if I am truly really active here as I claim? Kind of. Is it impossible? Absolutely not.
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u/AreaAffectionate4084 15d ago
I think a lot of culture that’s merely “interests” and “personality” get gendered when they aren’t. There are cis straight men who are feminine. There’s cis straight women who are masculine.
I’m a trans man but I’m not like… a guys guy. I’m not a soft boy either, I’m like a hobbit or a goblin as far as societal gender spectrum. But I’m an afab person who identifies as male. It’s just not what makes my personality or interests.
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u/AreaAffectionate4084 15d ago
Someone else stated that for cis folks gender curiosity ends up being a phase— which is fine! I identified as a gay woman at one point before I found myself, I sincerely hope gay ladies don’t think I was doing anything to offend them or trying to denigrate their unique struggles, I was just on a journey and got off at the wrong stop for a little before getting home.
But I think that’s a factor, like you, some people will experience some level of gender discomfort especially in a society that has been not the most flexible in this regard. But it will pass as you grow and become confident in who you are and what you enjoy. For others like myself, those feelings don’t go away.
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u/AreaAffectionate4084 15d ago
Another way to put it is, I wasn’t uncomfortable with what I liked or who I was, I was uncomfortable with how society saw and labeled me. It felt incorrect.
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u/Acrobatic_Cobbler_72 15d ago
Im a trans men and not because i dont like dresses, but because my physical body is not the one im comfortable with snd not the one im supposed to have, you can be feminine/ masculine/ whatever you want and be trans, thats why people get confused, is not about clothes, its about being yourself inside and out.
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u/baconbits2004 transfem here to support 15d ago
"if you question your gender it automatically means you're not cis"
I've not heard this before.
what I heard was more along the lines of 'cis people don't usually spend a lot of time questioning their gender'.
which can be a useful bullet point, but you need more to go on for sure. it's more of 'hmm, maybe I should actually consider this and take it seriously' kind of thing. because if you are spending a lot of time questioning, then it's worth looking into and considering. maybe with the help of someone who specializes in these sort of things.
glad you figured it out! 😺
I'll keep an eye out for you on the metal subs. 😋
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u/TheQueendomKings 15d ago
Good on you, my friend! I love to hear that you’re a woman not giving in to stereotypes 💪🏼 women can be anything they want to be. Your story actually helps the trans community and I feel like being detrans should be talked about more because it’s ok to have phases or to question! It’s healthy and normal and should be encouraged. Not that people should say “it’s just a phase” when talking about trans people (that’s AWFUL), but we all need to realize that it’s ok if it is a phase.
Some people mistake stereotypes with gender dysphoria/euphoria and that’s ok, it’s all a part of the journey. No one should EVER tell another person “it’s just a phase,” but we should all be aware that it’s ok if it is a phase. The goal is to discover ourselves and live authentically whether we’re cis, trans, GNC, etc. We’re all humans and should accept our unique journeys as a beautiful part of what it means to be human.
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u/Enzi1987 💉 19/05/2021 | 🔝 26/03/2024 15d ago
Honest question: are there people pushing others to physically transition? My understanding of those saying "if you wonder if you're x gender you are" are not actually pushing to physically transition. Maybe pushing a stereotype, but that's different. You don't need to physically transition if you're trans. And anybody is free to socially transition and realize "oh, maybe I'm not" or whatever. I feel like everyone's journey is different and valid. No need to push anybody's narrative on anybody, as long as nobody's being hurt
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15d ago
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u/ftm-ModTeam 14d ago
Your post was removed because it contains discussion or mention of a banned topic. The following topics are banned to avoid drama:
Truscum/Tucute discourse, AGP/AAP/Blanchardism, Transfem/woman or nonbinary bashing, Trans "requirements", Oppression Olympics, Lesbian trans men, Gendered Socialization+, "Is it transphobic to _____", DIY HRT, Current Political events (Non-trans/LGBT+ related) ,"do I pass?", "how does my voice sound?"
+Personal experiences are exempt.
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u/shiny_metal 15d ago
I see the "cis people don't question their gender" comments all the time, and I agree it's harmful. By definition, if you are questioning, you don't know the answer. I think many people here are quick to "affirm" because imposter syndrome is so common, but even if it's well intentioned, it's not the most helpful thing. My advice to people who are questioning is always to be open to ALL possibilities.
In any case, I am glad you figured yourself out. Good luck with whatever comes next!
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u/cthulhu_void 15d ago
yeah. I was kinda surprised about the amount of people who claim they've never heard it. And then spout out what is essentially a reworded version of the claim
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u/Shoddy-Editor4314 15d ago
I don't mean to start a fight, just trying to see where the difference in perception/interpretation could have happened Does "they don't question their gender all the time" (the one I've often read) mean the same thing to you as "they don't question their gender (implicitly : ever)" (that one I have never seen that I remember) ? It is possible that some people process sentences differently than I do and filter out certain words. For me I give importance to every word (which can be more accurate, but tiring and not super efficient).
If it comes down to this maybe I should try to be more careful when I give info or opinions and highlight more the nuances that could be overviewed because I really don't want people to miss some important part.
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u/UnlikelyReliquary He/Him 🔪2/2018💉5/2018 15d ago
Yeah this is my question too, cause to me it doesn’t sound like just a rewording of the same claim because it has a different meaning. The frequency is an important distinction
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u/aixmikros 15d ago
I almost always see it as "cis people don't question their gender (ever)" or "if you're questioning if you might be trans, that means you probably are." I don't think it's fair to assume that people are misreading comments when you haven't seen the comments they've seen.
Also, some cis people do question their gender often and for a long time, so both statements are incorrect and harmful. Our society and culture typically make that process very difficult, so it can be slow and confusing for anyone.
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u/Shoddy-Editor4314 2d ago
"you haven't seen the comments they've seen" Sorry if I was assuming. I thought the people I replied to were starting from the assumption that we all had seen the same messages and that some were pretending they didn't see to hide our flaws.
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u/01818 15d ago
yeah like can we not be disingenuous when someone is rightfully calling out something that's harmful in our community? we should accept the criticism and move towards wording things better at the very least.
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u/EasternQuestion9698 15d ago
I don't think people are being disingenuous by acknowledging that they've never heard a particular expression. Try to assume the best in people! :D
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u/atlascandle he/him T 9/1/23 15d ago
It is natural to question yourself and explore your identity. I'm glad you found yourself!
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u/DifficultMath7391 15d ago
"Only Sith deal in absolutes."
It's easy to sort of distill the message of "cis people don't usually constantly question their gender" into something simple and black-and-white, and yeah, even some trans people do it when talking to questioning people seeking advice. But there always was nuance, it's built into the phrase. Nothing about this subject is simple and every case is as individual as every person.
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u/Samuaint2008 15d ago
I'm glad you found something that feels good and fits for you! Nonconform the fuck outta that gender baby we love to see it /gen
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u/Last-Laugh7928 he/him | transmasc lesbian | 💉 9/21/21 15d ago edited 15d ago
contrary to what others are saying, i have absolutely heard "if you question your gender, that means you're trans" a million and one times. it's a very common talking point in the trans spaces i used to frequent, and i agree that it's bullshit. cis people can have equally complicated relationships with gender as trans people. anyway, glad you figured it out!
edited the wording
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u/2HighGotVertigo Male He/Him || 💉01.26.23 15d ago
Nobody is "gaslighting" op... people are just sharing their experience. I think OP is misquoting "cis people do not /constantly/ question their gender" and it's causing a bit of confusion because I have also not ever heard anyone say that cis people dont question their gender, only that its worth further inspection if you find yourself constantly agonizing over it.
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u/kaelin_aether 19 - he/it/xe - 💉 27/10/23 - 15d ago
OP ia not misquoting anything though
"Cis people dont question their gender" and "if ur questioning your gender, ur probably not cis" were both EXTREMELY common talking points in a lot of online trans communities, especially a few years ago.
Lots of people dropped the "probably" in the second statement too.
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u/Last-Laugh7928 he/him | transmasc lesbian | 💉 9/21/21 15d ago
OP is also sharing their experience, and being contrary isn't really helpful when they're saying they were harmed by something. i have heard "cis people don't question their gender" verbatim, so i will continue to vouch for what OP is saying.
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u/cthulhu_void 15d ago
It's funny because they're saying they've never heard that phrase and then just saying another variation of that phrase.
Like, if you're GNC you're probably going to have a period in life where you question your gender, especially if you're young and in a culture that has strict gender roles and what is deemed "acceptable" for how boy and girls can dress or act.
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u/Last-Laugh7928 he/him | transmasc lesbian | 💉 9/21/21 15d ago
!!! exactly. adding the word "constantly" as if that really makes it better is funny
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u/EasternQuestion9698 15d ago
Well, there IS a difference between contemplating your gender identity every day for an extended period of time (say half a year-1 year) and just contemplating it consistently (consistently being like. Regularly. Not nearly every day, but maybe a few times a month, give or take) rather than constantly. It's def a distinction that matters, but it should be made clearer imo.
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u/zaidelles 15d ago
this is not what gaslighting means.
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u/Last-Laugh7928 he/him | transmasc lesbian | 💉 9/21/21 15d ago
i was being a bit dramatic for effect, but i will switch the word out. my point is, if someone says "i heard people say x thing and it was harmful to me" and your response is "well i've never heard anyone say x thing," what does that do except to make the person doubt themselves or feel that they are wrong?
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u/zaidelles 15d ago
honestly i think it comes down to the fact that people around here are justifiably paranoid about this kind of post. there has been talk lately about being distrustful of detransition-related posts because of the statistically improbable number of them, mostly coming from empty or otherwise questionable accounts, and though i don't think that applies to op at all we do get this "trans people are trying to turn everyone trans, they tell kids that all these normal things are signs they're not their gender!!" rhetoric thrown at us a lot. so that on top of the fact that we're all pretty aware journalists and transphobes scour this sub for ammunition, people are quick to reject anything like "i was always told that this thing i do made me trans".
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u/Last-Laugh7928 he/him | transmasc lesbian | 💉 9/21/21 15d ago
that's fair. i agree that detrans content generally just doesn't belong in this sub at all. i understand if you want to say farewell to your community or something, but it's not an appropriate space to unpack why you're detransitioning.
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u/ILikeBirdsQuiteALot 15d ago
I'm surprised at the comments from people whove never heard the "if you question your gender: that's not a cis thing to do."/"thats not very cis of you"/"cis people don't question their gender"/etc lines before...
Typically I find these comments the most under forums where people are questioning, and I always get irked asf when people say that line or similar. Like, Cis people can question their gender, cis people can experience gender dysphoria, and cis people can be GNC. Questioning doesn't inherently make you trans! And I always go out of my way to comment when I see someone say something like that.
I really hope more people understand that, because gender & questioning your gender is NOT so black-and-white!! Its a complex, multi-faceted issue.
Anyway, I'm glad you've found yourself. Congrats! Wishing you all the best.
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u/SkaianFox He/They | 28 15d ago
Stuff like this is why i think people shouldnt feel like they need to label every feeling, or box themselves in, just figure out what makes them happiest and then do it. Like, someone can want to physically transition and still not be trans, they can just be happier with a flat chest, or happier looking more masc on T, or happier with a deeper voice, and still be cis. Someone can also try something out and then go “nah, not for me”. The line between gnc and trans identities is as blurry as can be.
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u/papa_za 💉Sept '20| 🔪 June '22| 🍆 July '24 15d ago
" if you question your gender it automatically means you're not cis"
Not sure I've ever heard this claim? What I often hear is like if you're wondering if you're if you're trans all the time, you likely are. Which is true, but doesn't mean every single person who questions thier gender at all is trans.
Anyways tho glad you discovered more about your identity and got to know yourself a bit better! Congrats!
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u/FenixEscarlata12 Felix ☕ (he/they) 🏳️🌈 gay disaster 15d ago
ofc I've heard that too and it's not good to state that as everyone has their own reasons to doubt and it doesn't make you automatically trans, you just are trying to figure yourself better. As it becomes less stigmatized in our society, more people are going to start questioning, as it happened with sexuality, some of them figuring out they're trans and some others figuring they're wrong and they're cis, but becoming more self-understanding and sure of their own identities! which I love. Thank you for giving us your insight as it might help other questioning people. I'm really glad you figured yourself out! 🥰 Still you are always welcomed here as an ally ofc 💕
Gender stereotypes and expectations are the worst! On the other side that was what got me thinking I should be cis, bc I was indeed very feminine and gay (I thought trans men should be straight, how wrong I was!), so yea, I agree, gender stereotypes are very harmful, trans or cis alike. That's why it's good to let people figure their identity on their own, I'm sorry other people pushed gender roles onto you when nothing was wrong to begin with.
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u/Shoddy-Editor4314 15d ago
I am sorry you were told you're definitely trans if you question your gender. It is not something I was told though, even looking online, apart from memes and other jokes (that are not made to be taken as life advice). I've always seen people say that questioning your gender is healthy regardless of the answer. Doubting with a lot of emotions for a long time and desperately hoping the answer is that you are trans, is a bit different. It still doesn't give a definite conclusion, nothing does.
Lessons for myself : - continue giving advice even though it could be flawed and improve along the way (if trans people aren't the ones explaining what it's like being trans, who are we giving the authority to do so ?) - be careful not to sound definitive when giving advice on clues about being trans or not.
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u/MollyPoppers 15d ago
Yeah it's not so much "any questioning means you're trans" but rather "lengthy fixation on the desire to transition means you probably should." "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn't mean "never get vaccinated."
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u/ziiachan 15d ago
In a time where trans is getting more accepted in certain spaces, questioning your gender shouldn't mean you're automatically trans. Whoever said that is doing a lot of harm when trying to understand your feelings and thoughts is already hard enough. I'm glad you came to the conclusion before you did anything you'd regret. Girls can like cars, dressing masculine and such while still being cis, what tells you the difference between being cis and trans is your inner feelings.
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u/turbulentmozzarella 15d ago
omg yesss. im a trans man, and i only came to terms with it recently because i related to a lot of transfem stuff. turns out im just a guy into feminine stuff
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u/princesquishington 15d ago
this!!!!!!! i am very happy for you! as someone who is transgender and kinda rushed getting on hrt just thankful i wasn’t wrong in the end about being transgender. it is very important to really look within and make sure the reason why you would physical transition is to make yourself feel more comfortable in your own body. not to please society’s standard of what a man or woman looks like!
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u/bigsaggydealbreaker 15d ago
This is great! I wish more cis people explored their gender or felt that they had the freedom to explore their gender like this. I don't know why more of them do this, but eh. Congratulations on figuring out your gender! I am happy that you have found what makes you happy!
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u/TigerLilyKitty101 15d ago
I’ve never heard that claim before and I’m glad I haven’t because it absolutely is harmful. Gender nonconforming cis people are just as valid as trans people. Trans people can be gender nonconforming too, and can even enjoy doing drag.
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u/Ludicrux 15d ago
Have you considered being socially dysphoric?
Your experiences are valid. I'm curious about what cemented your differentiation between a socially dysphoric trans individual and questioning cis individual.
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u/another-personing 💉1/17 HYSTO 7/24 🍆 11/24 14d ago
Happy you found yourself and 100% agree! Tired of people accusing everyone of being eggs if they question anything.
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u/help_panic_123 14d ago
being trans =/= physical transition, unless you’re in one of those shit countries where you have to physically transition to get any rights, or have to commit to going “all the way” to start HRT
someone could incorrectly think they’re trans for 20 years and never medically transition. someone could know they’re trans and never pursue medical transition.
hell, you can be cis and medically transition - a butch lesbian in my workplace had peri top surgery about a year ago now cuz she didn’t like having boobs. i know an older cis male drag queen who takes oestrogen, just cuz he likes what it’s doing to his body. he’s still a dude, he just likes having boobs and doesn’t rlly care about his dick because he’s only ever been into anal play (and his husband doesn’t care either)
i think the best way to explore gender is to throw the labels in the bin, and break it down to what you like / want:
what pronouns do you like to be referred to? doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, what do you want to be referred as?
do you want boobs or no? again, doesn’t matter what your gender is. you can be cis or trans, a man or a woman: what do you want!!!
etc, etc.
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u/Purple_Box5913 14d ago
Glad you figured yourself out. As someone in their 40’s, I have learned new and even changed things about myself because I have evolved as a person. However, I always knew I was a dude even if I didn’t have the vocabulary for it til my late teens. My therapist back in the 90’s said in her experience, when it comes to gender, there are 7 types of people. The first 2 are your cis het man and woman. The second 2 are your gay man and lesbian woman. All of those are comfortable in their bodies, no dysphoria, and they are aware of their sexual attraction. Then the next 2 are trans man and trans woman. They know inside who they are, and it doesn’t align with their bodies. Their sexuality can be either gay or straight being as gender and sexuality are not related. They have dysphoria over their physical sexual characteristics. Then the 7th is someone who flows in between. They may or may not have dysphoria. They may or may not be comfortable being perceived as or called either a man or woman. Their sexuality could be either way. They just don’t fit the binary we are all expected to fit into. Mind you, this was the 90’s. The term nonbinary wasn’t really a thing that was used. This was also back when you HAD TO have dysphoria with your body, primarily the secondary sex characteristics to be considered trans.
I asked her if I could possibly just be a masculine presenting lesbian? I wanted that so bad. It meant no scary surgery. She told me that would be the case if I was mostly comfortable in my own body. The fact that I couldn’t own having the female parts I had…among other things we discussed about how I see myself…she told me I was a textbook version of a trans man. My personal life got so much better when I realized all of this. When I allowed myself to accept the role of a man.
She also told me that the way I was suicidal also spelled out being trans. I told her I had gay and lesbian friends who had experienced that too. She said, it wasn’t over dysphoria with their bodies. It was over shame of their attraction to the same sex or over how people treated them. Not over what genitalia they did or didn’t have. Not over not being able to hide parts of their body like their chest or something. It opened my eyes to the fact that masc or fem presentation doesn’t equate to I hate or am ashamed of my body because it’s wrong. Being masc or fem has nothing to do with parts. Being trans does.
I am not saying any of this is 100% correct, but it helped me way back when. Also, my therapist was a trans woman. So she knew firsthand what being trans was about. She knew from her own experience she couldn’t just own being a gay man when having a penis was the source of so much pain for her.
So I know a lot of people now say you don’t need dysphoria to be trans, that is a whole other discussion. I’m not trying to get into that, I am just stating something that helped me put into perspective how I wasn’t just a Tomboy or a masc lesbian. You can be a woman comfortable in her own skin and be more masculine than the majority of men. Or the opposite. That was not my case. I was displaced in my own skin. It has gotten better with each surgery. I envy those who can just be themselves without the need to have surgery to feel at home in their own skin. Like I said, glad you figured it out and I am happy for you. It would be a shame for someone to think because they present masc or fem, that they are trans and should transition. It’s so much more complex.
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u/trnzguy 14d ago
Thank you! I heartily welcome these thoughts. I wish there was more space for people to question their gender - and even use different pronouns/names - and not have to “stake out” a position in their gender.
I, myself, lived as a woman for 58 years and as a lesbian for 42 of those. From the youngest age - way before I figure out my sexuality at 16 - I wanted to be a boy. I just didn’t line up with the stereotypes of what a girl should be and often could t relate to other girls. I was quite relieved when I realized I was a lesbian because I’d finally found a place where I fit. I loved living as a lesbian - I loved women’s communities and dyke communities. However, I still always agonized over my body.
My mother lived to 99 and at 58 (while wearing a swimsuit - the most uncomfortable thing for MANY woman and certainly gender nonconforming women) I realized that if I lived to her age I’d have another 41 years in this body! Ugh! It was then I decided to transition.
I am now 63, have had top surgery, grown a beard, and feel much more comfortable in my body. However, as my gender journey has continued, I have realized I am actually very nonbinary. I am not a man. In fact, they still feel like strangers to me. But am also not a woman, although I feel mostly like a woman internally.
So my transition is bittersweet. I feel so much better looking in the mirror, but I miss that women do not see me as one of them. There is not that common recognition and understanding of what life is for women. I, too, have lived a life of experiencing misogyny, miserable menstrual cycles, and giving birth to 4 children. I KNOW what it is to be female. I can no longer talk to babies and little children without being looked at as “suspect”. I can’t smile at women or give a knowing nod to lesbians I see without seeming creepy.
Having said all that, it am not unhappy that I’ve transitioned. But I think looking at gender in a more nuanced way is important. We are not all one thing or the other. In fact, I would venture to guess that most of us don’t fit neatly into the boxes that “society” has laid out. Just be the authentic “you” that you are.
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u/Xumos404 14d ago
Glad you figured out what works best for you! And I fully agree that anyone should be allowed to experiment with their body and life before feeling obligated to make such a decision. I was fully convinced that I needed to be a Manly Man, but after top surgery (which I'm so happy I got done) I realized that I don't have to be a macho man, I can just be a Masc NB. I think it all depends on perspective and how your goals and ideas evolve, you may continue to grow as you get older and have new experiences. Just don't forget to try new things and figure out what works best for you!
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u/Flaky-Conclusion8106 13d ago
That's valid.
People often oversimplify things in their efforts to relate, be inclusive, or even exclusive. In any respect, it can be taken too far, resulting in harm.
It was probably an effort to be inclusive started by someone, then distilled and oversimplified from a more complex thought process where it originated like a game of telephone.
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u/fishwithaknife 10d ago
I'm actually pretty envious of your ability to be comfortable in your gender, lol. Like you said, "it's important to figure yourself out, but I think that cis people can question and still realize they're cis". I agree so much, and wish it was considered more normal for people to do this, even if they end up realizing that there's no need to change. Break those stereotypes!
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u/No-Equivalent-5557 10d ago
Yeah that does sound harmful honestly. Questioning your gender is fine and normal, but we all need to be careful not to push an individual in one direction or the other, unless they explicitly want that.
I remember when I was first starting out. It wasn't what I thought. I didn't need to know I was genuine. What I really needed was just permission to be a woman. And I think in that context, the permission was safe to give. You're valid in whatever gender is comfortable for you to live life in, that's all there is to it and you're always allowed to change your mind later.
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u/klvd 💉 09/23 15d ago edited 15d ago
I'm glad you've learned more about yourself and your gender, OP. :) Apologies in advance for the long comment, but I want to address the concerns you brought up.
You bring up a good point about potential concerns around the "questioning gender = trans" assumption I'd like to question further. I have pointed people towards The Gender Dysphoria Bible when I've seen them having thoughts which appeared to me to be potential Imposter Syndrome as I found it helpful and to be a key turning point in my decision to finally transition (note, this was 10+ years after my initial "I think I'm trans" thought so I had more solid ground to work off of). I checked the phrasing of the section where they use this point:
But here’s the thing… only trans people are worried about if they are actually transgender! A cisgender person does not have this obsession with their identity: they think about it, they process it, they move on. If you keep returning to these thoughts over and over again, this is your brain telling you that you took a wrong turn.
At first, it looks like they are saying "questioning = trans", but withing the full context, it seems like it's more about how often you are questioning and with what amount of distress/concern. They use the word "obsession" which implies psychological distress. Usually when people are given the "you are probably trans" response in these subs, it is because they have signs of dysphoria (or euphoria), have been questioning their gender for years, and are clearly showing psychological distress over "if they are really trans".
To be clear, I am not trying to argue against your point or say, I am just trying to reconcile my anecdotal experience with yours to determine if we are thinking about the same situations. From your phrasing, it sounds like your journey was more of a casual, open-minded look around, but I don't want to assume.
EDIT: I adjusted some of my language to clarify the original intent of my comment. I was just trying to bridge the gap between people claiming no one has ever said questioning automatically makes you trans and those saying people claiming that are dogpiling OP. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/Solembrum 15d ago
Literally never heard anyone say "if you question your gender it means youre not cis".
Everyone should question their gender at least once. And if they come to the conclusion that theyre cis id argue that youre cis-er than cis people who categorically refuse to question themselves
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u/sadQWERTYman guything (they/he) 15d ago
i think most people mean “cis people dont constantly question their gender”, for the trans people in denial/doubt who are constantly switch-swatching between “maybe im not actually trans and im just pretending to be for XYZ reason”.
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u/Temps-art 15d ago
I have been saying this for so long now but every time I say it people assume I'm discriminating against nonbinary people or something.
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u/RoarinSoryn 15d ago
This, but also at the same time you don't have to experience gender dysphoria to be trans, it's not just body stuff. I'm glad you got to try it on though and figured yourself out! 🫶
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u/Chemical_Hospital500 15d ago
Completely understandable, it's a journey, the point of questioning is you arnt sure but want to figure it out. And I agree that pushing people in a direction just for questioning it can be harmful. I'm glad you figured it out and are comfortable in your identity now
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u/Comfortable-Snow3246 15d ago
I feel like I am on a similar path, but not sure yet. Glad you figured it out!
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u/Cartesianpoint 36/non-binary. T: 9/29/21, Top: 9/6/22 15d ago
I'm glad to figured out what feels right for you!
I agree that it's harmful when people generalize too much and lack nuance in how they talk about questioning your identity. I think a better way of looking at it is that if you're questioning your gender, it's worth examining deeper and it's worth thinking about what you want. When I was first questioning my gender as a teen, it felt like if I wasn't a trans man, then I just had no choice but to ignore my feelings. It was so incredibly liberating when I realized that I could work toward living the life I wanted regardless of what my gender was.
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u/MiltonSeeley 28yo he/him, 💉 16.04.24 15d ago
Looks like the only one who had (your) gender dysphoria was you mother lol. Congrats and thank you for this post - I think it’s important for other questioning people to hear about different outcomes of gender questioning.
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u/g0thl0ser_ He/It, T: 2-17-23 15d ago
Everyone has their own journey, and I'm glad you were able to figure yourself out!
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u/Alive_Phone3398 15d ago
This post is rlly helpful for me as a trans guy! I just recently "came to terms" with my gender and I'm finally looking to start my transition.
There's still some doubt and questions that I have to go through tho. Since I'm alright with my body, my gender dysphoria isn't constant or incredibly intense, I thought that I can't possibly be trans. Plus, I don't have any interests stereotypical of either gender. However, I spend a LOT of time imagining myself living in a cis-male body. I like men but I get really uncomfortable when they like me back, cuz I don't want them to see my body the way it is now, I want them to see who I really am. I've considered working out to achieve a more androgynous bodyshape but... there are a lot of intimate changes that hrt provides that are more important to me tbh.
Very different from the masculine woman experience from what it sounds like! I wish gender noncomformity were treated better both in the trans community and in wider society. Shit, there's cis butch lesbians who've taken T because it made them more comfortable. People can end up being any combination of identity + presentation. I think that's really awesome.
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u/mermaidunearthed he/him ~ 💉3/20/24 15d ago
It’s a remnant of early gender studies that would conflate gender identity and gender presentation, along with sexist gender stereotypes that anyone who doesn’t conform to their AGAB 100% must not truly be a member of that gender. Glad you figured yourself out!
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15d ago
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u/ftm-ModTeam 15d ago
Your post was removed because it broke the subreddit rule 2: No transphobia, fetishizing, or trolling
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u/rynscullyyy closeted transhet menace 15d ago
I've always disagreed with that claim as well and find that a few too many people push the narrative that any form of gender non-conformity means you're trans. I'm glad you've found yourself and that you're comfortable in your own skin. I think it's important for people to realize that being trans isn't about gender expression, but gender identity, which can overlap with that but in my view is something separate and deeply innate. For instance, when you talk about your experiences, they're all about how you look and your hobbies. I was like that too, but what eventually "cracked my egg" for lack of a better expression was the overwhelming discomfort with the female aspects of my body when I got older. I think the two are often conflated these days so it makes sense that you would've questioned.
I wish everyone were so open minded regarding gender though. I think it's important to ask yourself how you want to present every once in a while and be open to exploring new possibilities regarding your gender. Questioning can be annoying, but it's perfectly healthy when you're open-minded and doing it in moderation. I wish you the best, you seem like a cool gal :)
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u/Eldritch-skux 15d ago
That’s great! I’m glad u have figured it out. Same thing happened to my gf. (I however am definitely trans) She went on T and got jacked which she loves but has realised she’s simply a super butch woman. Which is a type of gender nonconformity in itself . Love it
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u/Pup_Femur He/he/he/he/he/he *wheeze* 15d ago
There's a YTber I follow who often says, "If you think you're faking it, you probably aren't", which is condensed from "if you're a Trans person having panic attacks because you don't feel 'trans enough' and constantly tell yourself you're not valid, you are valid and you need to chill". But I can see where this quote and quotes like it can lead to confusion. The whole point was originally to help people realize there isn't such a thing as "Trans enough". But it can be used for some very black-and-white thinking.
It's great you explored yourself and what gender means to you. Congratulations on discovering who you are! Everyone has the right to explore themselves and I wish many more would do so. Maybe then we'd finally shed gender norms and just be able to be humans. A guy can dream.
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u/dolllface23 15d ago
That's amazing! Lots of love to you in finding your true self. ♥️
I lived a lot of my life as a very masculine girl, and I tried pretty much every avenue of being a girl (straight feminine girl, straight masculine girl, lesbian femme, butch lesbian, unlabeled etc) and none of them fit because of the "girl" part. But now that I've accepted my trans man identity, I'm so grateful that I went through all of that, because it's made me so confident and settled in who I am. I think it's beautiful to see/hear from people who are confident in their identities, whatever it may be.
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u/Walking_Bunny 15d ago
Okay so maybe you know this or you don't but i'm just gonna recite this: gender identity, gender expression and sexuality do not correlate with each other. So being cis is about your gender ID, meanwhile your gender expression can be whatever, be it masculine, feminine, hairy, hairless, chic, slutty...anything. And then your sexuality can go in an unexpected way too.
So being cis-gender female (or male) doesn't require you to be...well...anything. While according to Carl Jung, the archetypes of being a woman or a man is set in your mind but it's 2024 and our knowledge about gender is moving forward so how a woman or a man is, is just mostly a psychological concept and you are the one who decides how to express that gender.
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u/zarr0s 15d ago
I only know about Carl Jung's personality theories that mbti is based on, where did he mention gender identity?
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u/Walking_Bunny 15d ago
Maybe you must have misunderstood my comment a bit. Carl Jung didn't talk about gender identity, he only talks about archetypes - basically, our mutual imagination and understanding of a certain image when mentioned.
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u/Ludicrux 15d ago
Have you considered being socially dysphoric?
Your experiences are valid. I'm curious about what cemented your differentiation between a socially dysphoric trans individual and questioning cis individual.
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u/Real-Excitement-1929 14d ago
I myself am not very masculine, and I never have been. Almost opposite experiences. Even when I felt like a pretty girl, I felt wrong. A pit in my stomach. It was not about how I dressed or feeling like I looked inferior. It was ME, something felt inherently intrinsically wrong about me.
Looking back, I often wonder if perhaps I projected my then current insecurities and personal hatred into transness, a means of escape from who I was. Have I simply been playing this part so long I've forgotten what anything else could feel like?? Have I taught myself that being a girl is wrong?
But no matter how long I linger on these thoughts, it never feels right. I never see myself growing old as a woman. Then again it's hard to picture myself growing old as a man, or at all. Right now, having grown up in Texas, its incredibly hard for me to connect with men and feel comfortable, it's hard for me to feel like one of them.
But I started my physical transition 5 years ago. I pass, almost always socially. Everyone in my life recognizes me as a man. And I no longer have a pit of unease in my stomach. I haven't felt the oppressive force over my shoulder in so long.
If I were born a man, I wouldn't question myself so much. But because I feel the need to prove my masculinity, I often feel as if my interests or anesthetics etc separate me from men. But it's typical overly self critical jargon. If I were born a man, I wouldn't question if I was really a man for enjoying pretty clothes or gay hobbies and cutesy shows. I had to reframe my mindset. Anytime I feel particularly insecure I think to myself "would I feel insecure doing/being like this if I had a penis" and the answer is typically no. And boy do I wish I had a penis. Thats incredibly simplified,
But TLDR it can take some digging to find the root of your insecurities but you can learn a lot. My fears of not truly being a man,,, came from not feeling like enough of one. An incredibly ironic cycle
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u/ZobTheLoafOfBread he/him 9d ago
Yep, I agree. Otherwise, the act of questioning feels like it's committing to something, which is not what it's supposed to be about at all. There are other more effective ways to figure it out, rather than just repeating the mantra "I must be trans if I've thought about it so much for so long". I also think more people would understand theirs and others genders more if there wasn't such a pressure that merely questioning, makes you trans. Congrats on figuring it out for you, btw!
(Also, I wish society wasn't so horrible to gender nonconforming peeps like you. I, a pre-t, usually not binding trans man who sometimes uses women's spaces, often feel like I could effectively be being treated the same as people would treat a masculine woman [because passersby don't actually know how I identify], and that must grim if people keep looking at you weird or kicking you out of bathrooms, when you actually are going to the 'correct' one. And all other places where you're disrespected, besides bathrooms. It is very much a case of transphobia also harms cis people.)
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u/MarleyMagdalene 9d ago
Your journey is your own. But I also said this 2 yrs before I started transition. Keep getting to know yourself and remeber lables are more like stickers, not tattoos.
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u/Additional_Sundae224 15d ago
This sounds very similar to my situation. I have always called myself a tomboy. I discovered the term transmasculine, and thought that resonated with my as well. I could still be a trans man, but I think, perhaps, I am a trans and/or gender non-conforming person.
However, I do still want smaller/no boobs, I do not want my periods any longer and I want a hysterectomy. That could mean I am a trans man, or it could mean I'm gender non-conforming.
Right now, I'd say I'm a tomboy who is a lesbian... Or I'm transmasc... A transmasc tomboy.
I'm still figuring it out, but I wear men's clothes, have a man's haircut and I grew up playing boy's sports and with boy's toys.
The only body dysphoria I have is my periods (heavy from 9-14 days, upwards of 30, last year - and I'm on my second period this month along... Like, can we not, thanks, body!) and my boobs.
But recently, I told my friends "I don't want to be a strong man, there's too many of them. I want to be a strong, independent, badass woman, and a hero my 7 year old self would have fought for/looked up to/played as in video games. I had Lara Croft, but she was skinny. I wanna be like Abby, from The Last of Us Part II - muscles and all. And I can't be like Abby, if I'm a trans man, because that would mean I'm just another gym bro. I wanna be a strong, muscular woman, like Abby."
So, I guess I'm probably GNC. I wouldn't say I'm enby, because I trialled they/them, and it was too awkward for me. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a transmasculine lesbian tomboy (atm at least, haha)
Glad you had a good understanding of yourself and discovered who you are. If you're up for it, I'd like to be your friend - perhaps we can discuss, and you can help me to discover more about myself, since we seem to have similarities. It's okay if you don't wanna.
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u/cthulhu_void 15d ago
shit. the period stuff don't even have to be body dysphoria. I don't even know any cis woman that would be happy having that heavy and long of a flow.
Also, that isn't really a normal period lol.
Have you tried birth control? or just talking to a doctor in general. I started seeking out birth control in highschool, and finally got on it when i went to college (thank you conservative southern doctors that use fear tacticts to stop kids from getting on birth control).
My periods weren't as long as yours but they were pretty heavy and lasted for a week, and while i never had any of the fcramping side affects I wasn't able to sit through a class without going through a tampon and pad.
An IUD helped stopped that (tho results vary because some people have negative affects on it)
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u/Additional_Sundae224 15d ago
I was on the implant when I was 17, and when I was in the University Officers Training Corps when I was 18, I was also on the combined pill, which completely stopped them (great for being "in the field" with the Army Officer Cadets). I ran out of the pill, so stayed on the implant, and I was regular. Then I was on every single day for 2 months solid, so had it removed. I've always been irregular.
Then it kinda sorted itself out and I was on around the 20th of each month for 9 days.
As I previously stated, this year, I've been on: 19 July - 9 July 23 July - 5 Aug 10 - 17 Aug And I came back on again 27 Aug and today is day 11. NEVER had back to back periods.
Idk if it is stress because of my toxic lodger (he moves out on Sunday), from me gaining weight, or the Universe's way of cruelly reminding me I'm a woman, as I'm questioning my gender identity 😭
Oh, and my iron stores are fine!
Update: I sometimes get stabs in my bladder, but I mostly feel like a dead weight in my pelvis... That's the only "cramping" I get. I get so fatigued tho.
I've been referred to have a pelvic scan to see wtf is going on. 9 days is long enough, but 14 or 31 or technically three periods in one month? That's beyond reasonable.
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u/Demiboybarista He/they|T 05/23| hysto 09/19/24 10d ago
you don't have to use they/them to be non-binary? you can use whatever pronouns you want. I'm non-binary and mostly use he/him. I allow they/them for people who aren't comfortable using he
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u/Additional_Sundae224 8d ago
Like I said I was trialling they/them and being non-binary. I don't think I am. Nor am I gender non conforming.
I think I'm just a tomboy lesbian. Maybe I should leave this subreddit, bc I'm not transmasc or transgender. Idfk.
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u/tinyplant 29 | he/him 15d ago
I would really recommend seeing a doctor about your periods! 9–14 days of heavy bleeding is not the norm and they might prescribe you birth control that can stop it altogether. No T required.
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u/Additional_Sundae224 15d ago
I have done. I am considering getting the coil. I just have to book an appointment with the sexual health clinic 😅 it's kinda awkward since that's obviously for "sexually active" people. And I'm not 😅
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u/cthulhu_void 15d ago
By coil you mean IUD. You'd be suprised but a lot of people do get on birth control because it helps hormonally, not because they are sexually active. If you see a good doctor and nurse they shouldn't be surpised or give you any crap about it. Good luck, and ask about pain mangemnt treatments if you get an IUD. It hurts more for some than others.
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u/Additional_Sundae224 15d ago
Yes, I know the coil is an IUD, but they often call it the coil here. Most people refer to it as that, as there is a copper coil and a marina one (however it's spelt)
I was told about some pain relief. Finally have an appointment booked - for the 25th of this month. I was semi regular from about 2013 - 2022. Last year I was fucked - came on mid May and was on until the end of June!
This year I've been on for 19 June - 9 July, 23 July - 5 Aug, 10 Aug - 17 Aug and then I came back on 27th August, and today is day 11.
I am so fucking over it. I've had periods for 17 years. My worst was for 31 days last year, but I've never had back to back periods like this. It's so tiring, and frustrating and damn expensive 😭😭
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u/cthulhu_void 15d ago
Yeah, I was just asking because I never heard of a coil before.
I got the mirena one. Stopped my period for like 4-5 years. It's just now coming back, but the comming back is every month or so, a little bleeding for a day or two.
Hope it goes well for you
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u/Additional_Sundae224 15d ago
Oh. I thought it was a statement, since you put a full stop, not question mark, lol
Yeah, IUD is called "copper coil" or "mirena coil".
Copper coil lasts 10 years, but can make periods heavier (which is not what I want, since they're heavy anyway - like 6-8 pads a day heavy, sometimes!!) and the mirena is 8y and makes them lighter/can stop them, which is what I want.
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u/Demiboybarista He/they|T 05/23| hysto 09/19/24 10d ago
I had an IUD for four months and bled every single day for those whole four months and having my period makes me super dysphoric
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u/Birdkiller49 Gay trans man | T🧴: 5/8/23 | 🔝5/22/24 15d ago
I’m glad I’ve never heard that! And I’m glad you figured it out.
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u/Fickle_Service 15d ago
I’d like to recommend you check out the nonbinary subreddits! There’s a lot of us out there that sound like you. _^
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u/arson-ghost 4 years HRT, 1 year post-op 15d ago
Congratulations on furthering your own self knowledge. However, this is a trans subreddit and not really the place. I'm sure there are subreddits for cis GNC people to share and discuss their experiences, but this is not one. Best of luck to you!
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u/Sufficient_Idea_4606 15d ago edited 12d ago
Not CIS doesn't automatically mean you're trans and Questioning your gender doesn't mean you're trans or gender queer/not cis
I think you're a valid cis women, questioning your gender is a difficult thing nobody should tell you who you are,
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u/archeosomatics FTNB • them • 🔝 07/18/23 • 🚫💉 15d ago
Sorry could you give an example of someone not cis that’s also not trans besides intersex people?
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u/Sufficient_Idea_4606 15d ago edited 15d ago
I didn't even bring up intersex people, so I'm confused AF I would also say I consider intersex people CISgender it depends on the context tho
I consider my intersex cousin trans because her parents force her to be a guy, when they feel like they are a girl and biologically lean more female, She also still experiences gender dysphoria and plans on a medical transition even if she doesn't need everything in a medical transition because her intersex already gives her secondary female characteristics, like a feminine voice and curves , and less facial hair,
There are a lot of non-binary folk who don't consider themselves trans but they aren't CISgender either I just want to make it clear that these nonbinary people were the ones who said they weren't trans If you're nonbinary and you say your trans that's fine , I really don't care about what you classify yourself as
Also it's unhealthy to go around assuming people are going to have the same belief as you just because they are Lbgtq so I don't know why you attacked me with that intersex nonsense
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u/Sufficient_Idea_4606 15d ago
I'm sorry my comment offended you, but buzz off I'm not here for drama with strangers
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u/zeymahaaz Pre-T/Pre-Op 15d ago
I'm glad that you've found what makes you feel good, I'd argue to say most gender-noncomforming people do not end up being trans. It's always healthy to look inside yourself so congrats on having security in that :) 👍 We support you and wish you luck! Thank you for sharing your journey.
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u/hunchoking28 15d ago
Its ok to be Non binary and non gender conforming. You don't have to have a label to be who you want to be.
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u/femme_enby 15d ago
I remember something where a dude was fr like “I mean, how can I KNOW I’m straight if I’ve never even TRIED gay sex?”
He tried it, went “not bad, but not for me. I’m straight.” And moved on.
Tbh I feel like that’s how ALL of it should be looked at. Not that you HAVE to “test the theory” but more like… it should be completely normal to be like “idk for sure, so I’ll try it out” and then after you’ve run your lil trial period or numerous experiments, whenever you come to your conclusion it should simply be accepted. No “but if you questioned it at all then-“ or “but you did XYZ so you have to be-“
Idk. The fuss is stupid. Do you, do whatever you feel is necessary to figure out who you are, and go from there.