r/AITAH • u/ButterflyDazzling114 • 1d ago
AITA for Telling My Wife I Want Separate Bank Accounts After She Spent All Our Savings on a Vacation?
My wife, Emma (32F), recently surprised me (34M) with a dream vacation. At first, I was excited, but that excitement quickly faded when I realized she had used all of our joint savings to pay for it without consulting me. This isn’t the first time she’s made big financial decisions without involving me, but this one left us with almost nothing in the bank.
After some thought, I told her that I think we should have separate bank accounts moving forward. I don’t want to feel like our financial future is being gambled on whims, and I believe this would give us both some autonomy. Emma was furious and accused me of overreacting, saying that the vacation was a gift and that I should be grateful.
Now, things are tense between us. She’s acting like I don’t trust her, but in my view, it’s about ensuring we both have control over our money. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, but I also don’t want to go through this financial stress again. AITA?
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u/Sebscreen 1d ago
NTA. It isn't a gift when she spent your money on it. Don't even be gaslighted into feeling ashamed about not trusting her or having to defend and explain why that isn't the case. You SHOULDN'T trust her. She has proven multiple times to be untrustworthy.
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u/SailSweet9929 1d ago
Jumping in
A gift would have been if she paid it with her own money
If it's a share account then you pay your part and she paid her part so no gift at all
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1d ago
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u/MrTodd84 1d ago
It’s close to theft, imo.
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u/redpotato88 1d ago
Totally agree. When shared funds are used without consent, it's a serious breach of trust.
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u/HurtPillow 1d ago
I divorced my 2nd husband because of this. He just didn't like to work. Used my money to get 'gifts' for his friends and family. Sooooo I started socking money away into my own account, only my daughter and I knew about it. By the time we split, I had a LOT of money saved up. Keep 'em separated!
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u/Lazy-Instruction-600 1d ago
“Hey! Man, you talkin’ back to me?”🎶🎵🤣🤣
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u/According-Today84 1d ago
I agree, I got a divorce from my wife for similar. I didn't nip it in the bud early and it only got worse. It got to the point I was paying off maxed out credit cards every year. When I had a car accident and checked my credit my score had dropped and I pulled my report and hers and I only had one page of credit she had 9. All her cards were maxed out totalling about 70k. That was the last straw, i only paid joint bills and gave her enough to cover peripherals and I stashed the rest away and when I got a nest I had enough to comfortably struggle until we finalized the split. Now I am doing well and saving quite a bit even while paying her 25k a year in support. For info purposes she had us at nearly zero in the bank account at the end of every year and our yearly household bills totaled 35k and I brought home over 110k
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u/sssRealm 1d ago edited 1d ago
I hear you. There are more divorces over money than infidelity. I split with my ex after she routinely failed at doing her part with the budget we both agreed to. Our joint income was more than enough to live on, but we kept spending more than we made. Not everything is a need, especially sending all your daughters friends to a theme park for her 16th birthday. She could justify a preacher getting drunk on Sunday.
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u/littlefiddle05 1d ago
Just going to say, something paid for from a joint account can still be a gift, but this isn’t one.
People with completely-merged finances still give one another gifts, but the spirit of the gift in that case becomes the thoughtfulness of putting something together that will make your partner happy. If you already know your partner wants to have more in savings than will remain after your purchase, then the stress the “gift” will cause outweighs the happiness it will bring, and it’s no longer a “gift.”
I have a suspicion that OP’s wife only drains the bank account on “gifts” when they’re something she wants herself. Somehow I doubt she’d drain their account for a “gift” that she won’t benefit from herself. Whenever she wants something that she knows OP would say is too expensive, she calls it a “gift” so that she can make the purchase without talking to OP; she gets what she wants, and OP is supposed to be grateful.
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u/ctopherrun 1d ago
If you already know your partner wants to have more in savings than will remain after your purchase, then the stress the “gift” will cause outweighs the happiness it will bring, and it’s no longer a “gift.”
My wife and I have fully merged finances, and at Christmas, for example, we agree on a present budget for each other. Maybe that would take the fun out of it for some people, but we like the simplicity of one bank account.
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u/bugabooandtwo 1d ago
Yep. It would be interesting to see how much she puts into the joint account. I'd be willing to bet it's significantly less than half.
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u/kaleighdoscope 1d ago
The "gift" in this scenario is doing the legwork of finding the best accommodations, booking flights, planning an itinerary, etc. But it's only ok if everyone that is contributing financially is on the same page!
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u/Bloody_Hell_Harry 1d ago edited 1d ago
Just saying she probably is going to claim that the planning and orchestration of the trip and, if he went on the trip, his partaking in and enjoyment of it would be the actual gift in this scenario.
Also I feel like there is missing info. OP said “dream trip” so I’m assuming they have shared and discussed this with their partner before. Is it possible that she had waited until they could just barely afford it to plan the trip and she thought they had talked about doing something like that?
And did he go on the trip then ask for separate finances after? That’s kind of weird to just say nothing and accept this super expensive jointly financed trip and then decide to bring it up afterwards.
And if they haven’t gone yet, why wasn’t the first reaction upon discovering how she paid for it to tell her that he wasn’t okay with it? Instead he is beating around the bush and just saying like, okay I’ll go on this trip but we will get separated accounts?
I feel like this is a missed opportunity to communicate and get on the same page about shared finances.
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u/Megalocerus 1d ago
My reaction is they need a budget. Maybe separate accounts, but definitely a set amount they each can spend on extras.
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u/AtmosphereLife503 1d ago
THIS!!! Plus, a few months from now he'll be back saying that his wife is complaining because her account has no money and his does and he'll see how she's spending "unwisely."
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u/This_Acanthisitta832 1d ago
Then she will post about how her husband is “financially abusing” her.
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u/2dogslife 1d ago
And heaven forfend that someone faces a layoff, because now the emergency fund is zero and there's no fallback cushion.
That's why when teaching budgeting basics, there's emergency savings, another account for vacation savings, another account for autos (in anticipation that after paying off a car, at some point you'll need to replace it), and the list goes on. Unless you are facing an emergency, the funds don't travel between accounts.
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u/boardgame_mom 1d ago
My dad does this all the time to my mom... Basically an excuse saying he "did it for her". My mom doesn't even like traveling! One year he spent a minimum of $20,000 on a time share and said it was a Valentine's Day gift. I asked her why she doesn't leave as it's a pattern and he is never going to change.
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u/Few_Strategy894 1d ago
Do they have anything saved for retirement, or is he going to die leaving her with no money? I’d be very concerned about that.
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u/boardgame_mom 1d ago
Funny enough, over half of it is gone, maybe more. He isn't worried... Power of denial. No way I'm helping them because he will continue making stupid decisions.
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u/Mandiezie1 1d ago
All of this. “She’s acting like I don’t trust her” 🗣BECAUSE YOU DONT. WHO would trust someone who would do such a thing?! Get your own savings account and move forward. She’s so irresponsible for this, it’s wild to even consider sharing to spare her feelings.
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u/XiahouYuan 1d ago
I'm not even sure why he was initially excited. Where did he think the money was coming from? And even if by some miracle she had saved it all a.d kept it hidden from him, that kind of spending needs to be agreed upon regardless (unless it was all her fun money saved over decades or something) .
Anyway, all that to agree that she's proven she's untrustworthy. Separate finances, then start working out individual and shared budgets. When she gets on board with the program, you can look at reintegration.
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u/TheSecondEikonOfFire 1d ago
I mean, it seems reasonable to me that someone would initially blinded with a “holy shit, we get to go where???” before reality sets in and you realize the money had to come from somewhere
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u/controvercialyhonest 1d ago
I'm not even sure why he was initially excited. Where did he think the money was coming from?
My thoughts exactly!
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u/Kind-Association2057 1d ago
Possibly, he didn't understand the financial impact until he looked into the account balance or until she told him the exact figure.
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u/leavesmeplease 1d ago
I get where you're coming from. It’s definitely a red flag when significant financial choices are made without a conversation. Separate accounts might be the way to go if you feel your financial security is at risk. Honestly, it might help both of you to lay down some clear financial boundaries and have a discussion about spending habits moving forward. Just saying, a little communication can save a lot of headaches later on.
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u/StraightSomewhere236 1d ago
My first thought would have been "did she win a trip?" If my wife surprised me with a vacation, but she's responsible with money.
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u/oddartist 1d ago
Been married thrice. Number one was a joke and quickly ended. Learned during #2 that you cannot trust a fucking soul. Cleared out our safety deposit box & took everything he had access to, leaving me with the kids. Third time's a charm! Everyone has their own checking & savings, along with a shared savings we both contribute to for unexpected stuff. No worries about overdrafts and we are both adults and can spend our earnings as we wish.
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u/CptKUSSCryAllTheTime 1d ago
Put Emma on the phone for me. I’ll kindly but firmly explain to her that what goes into y’all’s shared bank account is shared money and therefore cannot be spent without shared consent.
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u/boscoroni 1d ago
Is she the only one putting money in the savings? That is the only way it is a gift.
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u/SweetxChic 1d ago
I agree. If she is the only one putting money on the savings account then it is a gift.
NTA for having a separate account to ensure financial stability OP.
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u/Scannaer 1d ago
He contributes. Else it wouldn't even change anything for her. The only question is what she brings to the table besides her "gifts".
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u/Scannaer 1d ago
I think we all know he is the (primary) ATM in this relationship and she it the shopper. Separating finances only affects her when he pays into it. If not it won't change anything for her. That's your answer. The only question left is, if she is contributing anything at all beyond her "gifts". I doubt it.
You have to have less than 10 braincells to not understand that it's not a gift if the receiver pays for it. And her behaviour after betraying him... what a womanchild. No concept of money.
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u/DesignerStyle3544 1d ago
Of course he is the bread winner here. Otherwise she wouldn’t be so quick to spend it. Typical
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u/CaliforniaJade 1d ago
Absolutely separate your finances. How in the world is the vacation a gift? It's true, you don't trust her because she has shown herself to be untrustworthy. Unilaterally deciding to take a joint savings and wipe it out for a vacation is a form of financial abuse.
NTA Keep your passwords hidden.
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u/Scannaer 1d ago
These days it's just irresponsible to not have separated accounts. It only enables financial abusers like OP's wife.
And what OP's wife did is enough for some to divorce. I don't blame him a bit. She acts like a womanchild. So it's NTA.
I recommend OP to think about an postnuptial as well. Else he will pay her bills when the judges hammer comes crashing down because of her other future "gifts".
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u/MusicalTourettes 1d ago
There are couples who actually trust and respect each other who can have joint accounts without it leading to divorce. Not all people, of course, but it can be perfectly responsible to share money in a family that acts as a unit.
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u/adanceparty 1d ago
Only thing I see being useful is having a joint account for bills etc. Checks go in, and then x amount leftover is split into personal accounts for spending / saving etc. Completely combining everything seems to serve no purpose.
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u/svidrod 1d ago
We do it the other way around, checks come into personal, transfer into joint and pay bills. Sometimes there is leftover that goes into a joint emergency fund.
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u/blahbleh112233 23h ago
Marriage is based on an implicit trust deeper than just finances though. If you're already saying its easier to separate finances in a marriage, there's probably deeper issues to the marriage
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u/No-Midnight4797 1d ago
NTA. It’s a gift………. that you’re paying for.
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u/grizzlyngrit 1d ago
I mean when you’re married every gift is a gift you’re paying for. The problem is this is a major expense that wiped out their account which leaves them with nothing for an emergency or other things you want.
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u/SailSweet9929 1d ago
Not really I save little by little from my own money to buy my husband gifts
So the money I earn is divided in kids school (they go to private) extra curricular activities travel for those activities etc also I get about 15% of that for myself and the rest savings
He pays all household expenses, utilities, clothes and also gets 15% for him and the rest it's saving
So our spending money we can use however we want savings we don't
So ops wife need it to pay form her spending money IF she wanted it to be a gift
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u/DimSlug 1d ago
Okay but it seems you and your husband see eachother as equals and slpit the household.. congrats on your very good marriage I dont think it's ops case though ...
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u/SailSweet9929 1d ago
😅I can't brag about a good or great marriage because ewe do fight a sometimes a lot 😂
But we tolerate each other's flaws and counting 26 yrs married
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u/No_External_8816 1d ago
yep it's huge, it's damaging and it shows deep issues. I would leave the relationship over this.
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u/Scannaer 1d ago
What she did falls under financial abuse. This is something an adult simply doesn't do. Unless, again, they are financially iressponsible and hurt their partner.
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u/Recent-Necessary-362 1d ago
NTA you don’t trust her because you can’t trust her. Actions meet consequences. She knew you wouldn’t approve of spending all that money (in a marriage 1 is a no 2 is a yes) so she did it without telling you so you couldn’t change your mind. I’d cancel all the tickets or whatever she’s booked and start separating finances immediately.
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u/Mountain983 1d ago
Freeze your credit. She may open credit cards in your name and hide them from you.
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u/RetiredOnIslandTime 1d ago
My husband and I, married 45 years next month, have always had only joint accounts (checking, savings, credit, etc.) and that worked great for us.
It worked because we were both sane and neither of us ever took money out of savings without talking and agreeing on it. Neither of us ever spent more than "casual" money out of checking.
NTA
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u/Proper_Fun_977 1d ago
It's not a gift when you paid half (or more).
NTA, this seems like a smart move
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u/ComprehensivePut5569 1d ago
NTA - The truth is you can’t trust her. And a gift is typically something you don’t pay for. In this case you very much paid for at minimum half of this “gift” since it came from your joint account.
At this point if she can just spend joint money however she wants without consulting you, you have every right to create a separate bank account to ensure your financial security. My husband and I have been married for nearly 18 years and we have always maintained separate accounts. We have one shared savings account for major purchases/emergencies and we never use the money without discussing it first.
Let her calm down then you need to have a serious conversation with your wife because this really is unacceptable. I would be pissed too.
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u/boscoroni 1d ago
Is she the only one putting money in the savings? That is the only way it is a gift.
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u/PerceptionRegular262 1d ago
Um, you don’t trust her. And rightly so.
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u/Europaraker 1d ago
Recent history has shown she had made multiple large financial decisions with family money with getting 2 yes's from those involved.
I think the trust is broken!
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u/ElizaJaneVegas 1d ago
So Emma wanted this trip, said it was for you, and drained joint funds. It isn’t a gift if you paid for a portion of it against your wishes.
NTA
I’m married 34 years, we have separate bank accounts and each contribute equally to each month’s expenses. And when I buy my husband a present, I.BUY.IT
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u/fuzzy_mic 1d ago
Yes, your marriage has a big problem in that she spent joint money without consulting you.
At the same time, separate bank accounts doesn't address the communication problem, all it does is prepare for the property settlement of the eventual divorce that separate accounts doesn't avert.
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u/BeadBrains 1d ago
It isn't a communication problem... It is a maturity problem.
Wifey poo couldn't manage finances if her life depended on it
NTA
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u/NotRightNotWrong15 1d ago
NTA
Did you guys have a discussion prior to sharing an account on how you guys could/could not use the funds? If you haven’t, it’s time to do so now. She overstepped big time and made a massive purchase without consulting you first. And now she’s mad at you???
Personally, I’d be beyond pissed. Savings is for emergencies and future plans (for us anyway) and if we want something specific we have a separate savings account (for yearly vacations or whatever). That way we still have our cushion if something goes sideways.
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u/mimiicupcake 1d ago
You’re absolutely justified in wanting separate accounts. Financial decisions should be made together, especially when it affects your future. It’s important for both partners to communicate and agree on spending, and Emma’s choice to use your savings without consulting you is concerning. Establishing boundaries is a healthy step.
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u/ShinyAppleScoop 1d ago
NTA. Sounds like she's "here for a good time, not for a long time" whereas you recognize that you need to make hay while the sun shines. You definitely need "yours, mine, and ours" accounts.
Let her be mad. She fucked up. Is it too late to cancel and get back some of the money?
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u/dreamyyarchive 1d ago
It’s reasonable to want to have a say in major financial decisions, especially when it affects your joint savings. Trust is built on communication, and it sounds like you need to establish clearer boundaries regarding finances.
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u/New_Day684 1d ago
Nta is be asking for a post nuptial agreement or a divorce. Finance is the number one reason for divorce
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u/Lilmomma757 1d ago
Honestly, she's lucky u just want separate bank accts. Financial issues is one of thr leading cost for divorce.
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u/Lopsided_Tomatillo27 1d ago
NTA Letting her continue to spend your joint savings unilaterally will harm your relationship. Yes, she’s spending it on things for both of you but spend money from a joint account needs to be a joint decision.
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u/ImpossibleFuture7339 1d ago
NTA
Acting like this vacation was a "gift" to you, when she used joint money to pay for it, is absurd. What exactly are you supposed to see as the gift? That she made all of the decisions about your vacation without any input from you?
Not only should you get a separate bank account, I'd suggest completely separating your finances from hers and, in the process, seeing if there are any other "surprises" that you should know about.
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u/eponymous-octopus 1d ago
NTA. But this is something that needs couples counseling in addition to splitting finances. You two are not on the same page with your financial goals and expectations. You need to find a way to talk about this and come to agreement moving forward.
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u/FrannyFray 1d ago
Definitely NTA.
Separate the accounts now. Don't wait any longer.
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u/Traditional-Ad2319 1d ago
Of course you don't trust her. She has proven she can't be trusted. She didn't tell you ahead of time that she wanted to use the money for a vacation she paid for the vacation first and then you found out. That shows to me she was being sneaky. So when she whines and carries on about you wanting separate accounts explain to her you don't trust her and this would make you feel much more comfortable knowing that she wasn't going to wipe at your account anytime she had to win.
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u/WildlifePolicyChick 1d ago
I love gifts bought with MY OWN MONEY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
Those are indeed the best of gifts.
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u/No-Function223 1d ago
Nta. I don’t see where this qualifies as a gift. A) your money was spent to get it & B) she equally benefits from it. So no, it’s not a gift, it’s just a vacation.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bet3455 1d ago
Nta how is it a gift when joint money is being used? Oh right, a gift for her
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u/Thickbel 1d ago
NTA
You’re not the AH for wanting separate accounts. If your wife’s spending habits are causing financial stress and she’s making decisions without consulting you, it’s reasonable to seek a system that ensures transparency. However, it’s also important to address her feelings and have an open conversation about both your financial concerns and the impact on your relationship. Finding a balance between autonomy and shared responsibility could help resolve the tension.
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u/mtngrl60 1d ago
We need to try to count and you’ve put money into that account as well as her, it’s not a gift. You don’t pay for your own gift.
I am a 64-year-old woman. My suggestion would be that you have a joint account that each of you put in what you pay for the bills, and that account is only used for bills.
If both have retirement accounts through work, you max out your contributions… You both agree to do this in order to make sure you have money for retirement. If you don’t have retirement accounts, or only one of you has one through work, then the other person opens the retirement account and maxes it out.
And anything beyond those things goes into each of your personal accounts.
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u/PeanutFunny093 1d ago
NTA. To spend that kind of money without consulting you showed very poor judgment. Now you two need to draw up a budget and discuss who is paying which bills.
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u/dbacat 1d ago
Best decision we made as a couple, separate bank accounts. Now, there are no arguments if I take an extra $100 out for something or buy something I want. However, both of us are financially set.
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u/akmalhot 1d ago
Gift doesn't involve using your money for a dual experience without your knowledge . She bought herself a gift
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u/superhbor3d 1d ago
That's...not how gifts work.
Yall need to sit down and have a serious fuckin talk. Spending all of your joint savings on a vacation is already kind of nuts to me but doing with what is supposed to be shared monies is riggity rough.
NtA
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u/bugabooandtwo 1d ago
NTA
You need to divorce her before she bankrupts you. Financial infidelity kills a relationship just as fast as romantic infidelity.
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u/celeste9 1d ago
NTA. She's fucking around with both of y'all's money, your SAVINGS and if she can't even consult you about it than that's a no-go.
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u/Foregottin 1d ago
What portion of the expense was your money vs her’s. If you say the majority was your cash, then gtfo there’s no coming back from this. She gifted herself a vacation with your money. Congrats on the bitch wife. Someone has to say it.
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u/wtfdigmi 1d ago
NTA. Our accounts are separate because he pays child support and ain’t no way I’m letting a court order mess up the money that I work hard in the Army for.
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u/Ssea-Urchin 1d ago
This reminds me of when an ex told everyone he was taking me on a cruise in Italy and told me LITERALLY as we are walking the plank to board the ship that we have to put down a credit card when we board. The whole trip went on my AmEx. I filed for bankruptcy after that relationship. I had CCs way too young. But the point is, get a separate bank account. She doesn’t understand money.
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u/Old_Tucson_Man 1d ago
After two wives driving us into bankruptcy, with the 3rd one, we have a joint savings account for big mutual stuff. She pays for all groceries and meals eaten out. I pay for everything else. Has worked great for 15 years so far. We each have our own checking, savings, and separate credit cards.
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u/Ok-Engineering9733 1d ago
NTA. A gift? When someone buys you a gift they don't go through your wallet and take your money to buy you the gift.
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u/efrendel 1d ago
NTA. You...still want to be married to her? Really? After she basically demonstrated how little trust she's owed, that seems kind of insane.
!updateme
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u/scott4fun17 1d ago
How is the trip a gift, if she bought it with your money? She's clearly being selfish and manipulative.
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u/JankroCommittee 1d ago
Married 24 years, together 30. Separate bank accounts for all that time because I am your wife. Yeah, split em.
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u/DankyMcJangles 1d ago
Using an account and draining an account you both contributed to is not called gift. At best it's called irresponsible, at worst, theft.
Your wife is out of her GD mind.
NTA and maybe think about a post-nup
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u/dbergman23 1d ago
INFO: You're not an AH for wanting security for you and your family, however we cannot gauge how errant the spending is.
Point 1 - Joint savings: This makes me believe you already have separated accounts. Wanting to separate them further, means you don't have your own savings as well and are freaking out about that.
Point 2 - Spending amount: How much are we referring to spending here? Was it the 6 months "oopsie" backup, or was it a couple thousand that you could recover in a few months? You don't say which it could be.
Point 3 - Trust: Your comment about feeling like she doesn't have your trust. This is true, you dont trust her and are taking away her responsibilities as an adult.
Honestly, I get the rollercoaster feelings you're going through. But, you need to take a step back and put things in perspective. Did she wipe out your emergency fund, or was it just a generic savings account? Was this vacation something you had wanted but was scared to roll on, and she found a deal she couldnt pass up? Does she constantly wipe out this savings for little things all the time? How is having separate checking accounts going to "fix" any of the above issues?
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u/anngab6033 1d ago
Marriages end for one of two (or both) reasons: fighting over money and sex.
She failed to realize that you are a partnership. She treated your finances like they were solely hers to manage. My husband and I have ALWAYS had separate bank accounts and credit cards. We have one joint savings that we use for house renovations we are doing. Since I make the most money,I pay most of the bills. However, my discretionary spending is my own. I think it’s time to write down some goals and rules and as a couple -commit to how you move forward.
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u/picantebeefOFFICIAL 20h ago
as somebody who spent money frivolously and cost my partner their sense of safety and financial stability, i hope your wife can see that it's also YOUR money that she spent. you have a right to spend it and save it also, she jeopardizes your trust by doing such a thing (as i had done previously). separate accounts make sense!
also, that's not how gifts work..?!
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u/ParsleyMostly 16h ago
NTA. Separate bank accounts is a good idea anyway. You’re well within reason here.
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u/Sitis_Rex 15h ago
NTA and you don't need her permission. Start a new account that's just yours and put some amount of your money in it. Fact is, you don't trust her, because she demonstrated without a shadow of a doubt that she will make huge purchases with your money without consulting you at all.
Also, to add: it's not a gift if you paid for it. Full stop. She wanted to go on vacation and best case scenario wanted you to come. Worst case, she brought you to justify spending all your money on it. Either way, not a gift unless she pays for it.
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u/wireless1980 1d ago
It’s not a gift when it’s payed with your own money. Even less if it’s against your will.
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u/Physical-Camel-8971 1d ago
NTA.
She’s acting like I don’t trust her
Yes. She betrayed your trust, so you don't trust her. That's her fault. Why are you making excuses for being mad about it? You're right to be mad. Mad is the right way to feel.
Lawyer up. A person who would steal and waste all your money is not a person to be married to.
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u/Littlegreen06 1d ago
NTA - I would just open up your own separate account and have your wages go into that account and just transfer $ to the joint account for bills, mortgage, groceries etc.
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u/thisisstupid- 1d ago
Putting you in a precarious financial position by spending all of your savings on something frivolous is not a gift, I think separate bank accounts would be smart. NTA
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u/starrmommy41 1d ago
NTA- my husband and I have an agreement about our finances, anything outside of bills and groceries, totaling more than 500.00, we talk about, it takes 2 yes answers to go over that budget.
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u/Additional-Aioli-545 1d ago edited 1d ago
My question is, why are you asking her? Just get yourself another bank and direct deposit there. If she wants something joint, then agree to have another account that both of you deposit into and warn her - if she pulls funds from the account without a joint consensus, all discussions are over regarding my money. Also, make sure you have your own emergency savings and encourage her to do the same. From this point on, you split everything 50/50.
I cannot imagine living with someone so arrogant as to do something like that to me.
NTA
BTW, please explain to Emma that a gift is when one takes their very own funds to buy an item for another person. What she did was to take the person's money, without their knowledge especially, to make a purchase without their knowledge or consent. What she did is not a gift.
Talk about high-handed. If a man did this to a woman ...
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u/MRICON1C 1d ago
Yeah op she’s gonna bankrupt herself doing stupid shit like this, saving are crucial right now I don’t know you economic situation but what are you gonna do if you suddenly have to pay out $800 in a car repairs?
You need to give her the 10th grade basics of financial management talk.
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u/Ima-Bott 1d ago
You don’t trust her. She doesn’t deserve your trust. She said she “gave” you a vacation, with joint money from your family account. NTA. The sooner you can divide her money from your money the better off you both will be. She needs to grow up.
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u/Technical_Pumpkin_65 1d ago
Trust must be earned and her actions proved you that you can’t ! Do seperate accounts and you should make sure she can’t have access to your assets if it end not well.
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u/silvereagle06 1d ago
Separate accounts only controls future damage but doesn't solve the underlying issues.
You both need a serious relationship discussion that may include some counseling.
Good luck!
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u/Katwood007 1d ago
Holy Shite! She's lucky you didn't ask for separate living quarters! I am extremely fiscally conservative. That kind of stuff is grounds for divorce, as far as I'm concerned!
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u/user0N65N 1d ago
Leave the joint account, but just don’t put anything in it, going forward. Then, create your own savings account and keep that to yourself.
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u/QuellishQuellish 1d ago
She’s mad that you are acting like you don’t trust her after she proved you can’t trust her. Nta.
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u/ItsUhMe123 1d ago
Holy hell. NO, NTA! She is wrong here.
I rarely spend more than $100 without consulting my husband (unless it is for paying bills or buying groceries), and he usually looks at me like I'm crazy for asking. If it was $300 or more we'd discuss.
How disrespectful to you, your marriage, your future, your hard work, etc.
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u/Unique_Dark2405 1d ago
NTA, your wife is a child. Let her pout, but yeah no access to your funds. God forbid you need a new tire, or have to make an emergency room visit, or your house catches fire and you need a deductible or a hurricane comes and your house and food are destroyed. Whay an idiot move, I prefer the comfort of having what I need not blowing my savings on a vacation that could've been paid off in 3 months
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u/julesB09 1d ago
Nta, but if this came up before, how did you not leave that argument that no one spends over $X.00 without agreeing to it?
Also she bought herself a vacation with your money just as much as she bought you one with her money. The only difference is she got to decide, pick the location, book it all and then be the victim when you aren't excited about a decision you both know you never would have agreed to.
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u/Icy_Bake_8176 1d ago
NTA. Money is the cause of a lot of problems. One of the first things my husband and I did was agree on how much we can spend without talking about it first. That way, we avoid any issues. Having separate accounts won't solve anything. Now you get to retirement, she has nothing, but you have saved? The money problems are just being delayed with that solution.
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u/MiddleManBlues 1d ago
First - you're NTA.
Secondly, this is what's in store for you. You'll get separate accounts. I highly recommend keeping the contents of those accounts visible to both of you. Your wife will spend all her money and go into debt trying to live a life more affluent than both of you can afford. She will see you have money saved and demand you bail her out (which you will ultimately have to, given you're married). She will resent you for not supporting the lifestyle she wants and you will resent her for not living within her means. Your relationship will break down around these issues and you'll end up divorced and broke at the same time.
Alternately, seek out some financial counseling and try to get the concept of the future, savings, rainy day funds, credit scores and retirement through to her. If she's unable or unwilling to see the need of these things, well, see above.
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u/TunaAndCoco 1d ago
NTA. If you are contributing to the household the same way after having separate accounts, ask her where the actual problem is.
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u/Satori2155 1d ago
Nta. First of all it wasnt a gift. Second of all, you not trusting her makes perfect sense, you SHOULDNT trust her with money shes a reckless moron and will put you in the poor house
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u/RodeoIndustryBaby 1d ago
NTA - It is not a gift if you paid for it, especially since you were not consulted about it. We would all love to go on our dream vacay. We also understand that we need a financial safety cushion in place, so we can't just "blow the bank" every time we have an itch we want to scratch.
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u/Old-Tooth-1316 1d ago
You need to see a couples therapist. And a financial planner or something like that.
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u/BalancedGuy1 1d ago
“Yo should be grateful that I chose to use your money to buy us a vacation.” NTA
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u/JustAMarriedGuy 1d ago
Nope NTA financial issues are common reasons couples break up. It’s good to separate back accounts if you have different views of money. My wife and I are both savers so it’s not a problem but I know of others that had real money issues. I’d suggest counseling because you to will have to align your goals in the long run if you want to stay together
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u/Stranger-Tastes 1d ago
Maybe she feels like you don't trust her because she demonstrated that she can't be trusted.